If It Meant Living: From the Beginning
by Graceyn
Summary: Mass Effect. The story of Commander Graceyn Shepard-life, death, rebirth, and life once again-in her own voice.
1. Beginnings

**If It Meant Living – Chapter 1**

"**Beginnings"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot "If It Meant Living." Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<br>_

* * *

><p>The whole classroom stared at Graceyn Shepard. She was undeterred.<p>

"It's just that… Anna Karenina is a completely uninspiring heroine! She whines for 800 pages then commits suicide. For that time period she has all the luxuries of life handed to her. She's beautiful. She has more than one man who loves her. But instead of appreciating any of it, instead of embracing the gifts of her life, she destroys it all and ultimately herself! You know, if Anna was the image of a female heroine of the time, it's no wonder it took another 100 years before women were allowed to fight in the military." Shepard made a face of disgust and slouched back down in her desk.

The teacher couldn't help but smile inwardly at this remarkable, precocious girl. _She's not long for this planet, that's for sure._ Cognizant, however, that she was still teaching a class full of unruly 13 year olds, she instead said "But Graceyn, can you at least admit that Anna went through a number of very difficult and challenging experiences in her life?"

Shepard frowned, eyes narrowed. "Doesn't everyone? That's no excuse for –" The bell rang, cutting off what she thought was a perfectly valid argument.

As she gathered her books and headed out the door Riley approached her. "Hey, want to come over this evening and study Algebra?"

Riley was her boyfriend – despite the fact that her parents insisted 13 year-old girls did _not_ have boyfriends. Okay, fine. He was mostly her friend, but they had kissed a few times – more so recently. It was awkward and fumbling but they were getting better at it. Riley was smart and funny, if unremarkably normal in the looks department, which was fine with Shepard; all the really cute boys were stuck-up and obnoxious. "Sure!" she smiled broadly, letting go the contemptible Anna Karenina.

* * *

><p>"What are you watching? I thought we were studying Algebra."<p>

"It's this show about a vampire, only he's good and honorable. Well, most of the time." Riley had a thing for late 20th century "TV" vids. For the life of her she couldn't figure out why. The modern world was much more interesting.

She sighed. "What about that Stargate show? At least it had space travel and other planets and aliens."

Riley shot her an exasperated look over his shoulder. "That show's boring. We can already do all that stuff, there's no mystery. But vampires could be REAL!" He lunged over the couch, clawed hand reaching towards her face menacingly. She giggled, dodged his hand effortlessly, and plopped down next to him. On the vid a teenage girl ran around her bedroom packing her clothes while two adults looked on disapprovingly.

"Is that one of the main characters?"

"Nah, though she's a regular. You know, she kind of reminds me of you…"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. "What? She's got long brown hair and is scrawny!"

"Yeah…" Riley replied thoughtfully. "You _are_ prettier than her." Shepard tried not to giggle, instead plastering a look of curiosity on her face. "Is that so?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, you –"

"Rewind it" Shepard interrupted.

"Okaaaaay" Riley frowned.

On the vid the girl turned to the older man with a look of exasperation and said "_Dad, I love you like pancakes, but I'm getting the hell outta here!_" and resumed packing.

Shepard flashed a half-smile and her face took on a thoughtful, faraway look that made her seem aged well beyond her young years. Riley never could figure out that look.

"I like it."

* * *

><p>The crowd cheered as the home team scored a goal. Shepard looked on in amusement. She enjoyed rugby. The intensity of the gameplay, the athleticism of the players, the floodlights illuminating the night, the energy of the crowd. She wasn't entirely sure of the wisdom of throwing oneself repeatedly into other players at great risk of personal injury, all for a chance at glory. Though now that she thought about it the idea might have some merit.<p>

Despite enjoying the game and the companionship of her friends, however, Shepard was bored. She simply couldn't believe she had almost two more years until graduation, until she could get off this backwater colony. Two years! School was unchallenging; she got top marks without working very hard, and that gave her plenty of time to read up on the happenings around the galaxy. Humanity's first contact with alien species only occurred 12 years ago, but already humans had an embassy on the Citadel, the remarkable super-structure that served as the hub of galactic society. There was so much going on out there, events were moving so fast, humans were expanding throughout the galaxy, and aliens were everywhere! Except here.

Shepard sighed inwardly and felt the sudden urge to go running. Whenever she got angsty and fidgety she went for a run. Ostensibly she was training for the distance running competitions but she was already easily the fastest on the team. No, she was running for herself – to feel the wind on her bare skin, to stare up at the sky and make her plans. As she ran in circles. Mindoir was a small town even by colony standards and the undeveloped land beyond still held dangers. So she ran around the entirety of the town, around and around….

She glanced up at the night sky as a group of lights appeared to fly overhead. Hmm. Transit ships weren't that common on Mindoir, especially at night. The crowd roared as the game clock ran out, the home team victorious.

If the crowd hadn't erupted in cheers at that moment she may have heard the high-pitched whine of the gunships' engines as they hard-banked into town. If the crowd hadn't erupted in cheers at that moment they might have had more warning. Some of them might have lived.

As the crowd dispersed Shepard strolled with her group of girlfriends towards the local hangout. The only hangout. Jennifer was gabbing on – and on – about the most fabulous new clothing styles she had seen on the extranet the other day.

Everything seemed to happen at once. The unmistakable sound of staccato gunfire broke through the night. The emergency sirens wailed. Someone screamed. Then another. Shepard looked to her left towards the screams just as Jennifer's chest exploded in blood and gore.

She ran.

She ran faster than she had ever run before. She ran towards the dark, instinctively knowing that only in the shadows did she have a chance of staying alive. She ran through the streets and around the corners towards home as explosions started ringing out. At home were her parents. At home there were guns.

She rounded a corner and collided with…an alien. Even in the dark she could see his four eyes. _Batarian_. She had never actually seen a Batarian before, of course, or any alien for that matter, but she had devoured the news vids for years now and prided herself on being able to recognize all the major alien species on sight.

The Batarian – grinned? – lecherously at her, lowering his assault rifle a bit and reaching for her. "My, aren't you a pretty little thing. You'll fetch a nice price, better keep you alive."

Consumed with rage and fear, Shepard reacted without thought. The Batarian went flying 20 feet through the air, slammed into the side of a building, and crumpled in a heap on the ground.

For a split-second Shepard froze. Was she a _biotic?_ Memories flew through her mind. A propensity to create static electricity; a voracious appetite that never touched her athletic but slim figure; the odd tingling sensation that occasionally rippled _inside_ her skin when she got emotional; the two or three times objects had seemed to move on their own, chalked up to "ghosts" by any friends in the vicinity. But _how?_ She wasn't actually born on Mindoir; her parents lived on Earth until she was 6 months old and the colonization opportunity opened up.

No matter. Later.

She ran.

She skidded around the last corner and barreled into her house screaming for her father. He came out of the kitchen, loading the shotgun as he did so.

"It's Batarians! They're attacking in the town square! People have been shot! Jennifer-"

"Get down Graceyn! Hide, now!"

She nodded, running past him into the kitchen. Just then two Batarians appeared in the doorway and the world exploded in gunfire.

It was over in a matter of seconds. She peeked around the corner. The two Batarians lay sprawled in the doorway bleeding from numerous shotgun wounds. Her father lay on the floor a few feet away, an ominous pool of blood spreading under him.

She crawled to him – "Dad! Dad, hold on! Let me help you." He reached up and grasped her arm, letting out a horrible gurgling cough. "Graceyn…you're so grown up, so beautiful, so strong…" He coughed again, this time sputtering blood down his chin. "I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive. _Live._"

He let out a last gurgled breath and was silent. She huddled on the floor next to him in quiet devastation. The right side of the house exploded, catching the outer edge of an explosion. Momentarily stunned, she shook it off and stared at the large pile of rubble that moments ago had been her bedroom. She looked back at her father one last time, whispered in a strangled voice "_I will, Dad" _and crawled under the rubble to hide.

To live.


	2. Makings

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 2**

"**Makings"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot "If It Meant Living." Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<br>_

* * *

><p>A bead of sweat rolled down her face. She held for a moment longer, gathering together her biotic energies, and then leaned out around the barricade. She threw out a <em>singularity<em> directly at the two remaining hostiles. Unwilling to wait for the gravitational forces to rip their bodies apart, she followed up with a _throw_ and grinned as they crumpled against the opposing wall.

The lights came up and the virtual enemies disappeared. The lieutenant walked through the double doors. "Nice job Shepard. I do believe that's another record time. Get cleaned up and meet up in the classroom in twenty."

Shepard headed for the showers, barely suppressing a smile. That was fun. Not as fun as flesh and blood enemies, perhaps, but fun nonetheless. She wondered if she'd have an opportunity to try to break the record she just set before graduation in two weeks. If that last group of enemies had just cooperated and clumped up a teensy bit more she could have taken them all out at once and cut at least 10 seconds off her time.

Eighteen minutes later she slid into her seat near the front of the classroom. "Heard you broke another record in the sim Shepard" Walinsky offered. "Couldn't have slacked off just a bit this one time and not made the rest of us look so bad?"

Shepard volunteered her middle finger over her shoulder without turning around. "It's what I do, Walinsky. It's what I do." Several of her classmates chuckled…"Serves you right Walinsky"…"Give it up man…"

Lieutenant Mickelson strode to the front of the room with a stack of envelopes as everyone snapped to attention. Despite the focus of every student in the room on the envelopes, Mickelson proceeded to set them on the desk and teach for an entire hour on tactical decision making in small squad defensive scenarios.

As the clock at last ticked to the top of the hour he reached for the stack. "As you know, we've got a week more of classes and training, then a week of examinations before graduation. On the assumption that none of you miscreants will totally fuck up your exams, I have here your initial post assignments upon graduation." He handed out the sealed envelopes one by one. "That will be all. See you tomorrow. Shepard, stick around a moment."

She stood at attention until the classroom emptied. "Sir?"

"Go ahead and open it."

She opened the envelope, read for a moment, and failed at suppressing a smile. "Special Forces?"

"That's right. You'll have six months of the most intense training of your life. If you don't die or wash out, you'll then be assigned to a special unit. Then your real training will begin." He paused a moment. "I have no doubt you'll make it. I can't show favoritism in here, but you're one of the most talented, capable students I've seen come through the Academy in the ten years I've been here. It won't be easy; in fact, it'll be a good deal harder than anything you've faced before. But you'll do it."

She reached out to shake his hand. "Thank you sir. I'll try my best to live up to those expectations." She saluted, turned, and barely suppressed the urge to skip out of the classroom.

* * *

><p>A bead of sweat rolled down her face. She held for a moment longer, gathering together her biotic energies, and then leaned out around the barricade. She threw out a <em>singularity<em> directly at the two remaining hostiles. Unwilling to wait for the gravitational forces to rip their bodies apart, she followed up with a _throw_ and grinned as they crumpled against the opposing wall.

Then she grimaced. She was exhausted, starving, and bleeding. She glanced back around the barricade to confirm the kills – and it turned out those weren't the last two hostiles. She ignored the grumble in her stomach and the gash on her arm and again gathered together her dwindling biotic energies.

She hadn't really wanted to take shore leave. She was just starting to settle in with her unit, starting to not feel the rookie outsider in the small group of lethal killing machines. But Alliance regulations clearly stated that all soldiers must take one week of shore leave per year, subject to emergency and wartime assignments. So she had packed up her books analyzing the military strategies employed by the Alliance and the Turians in the First Contact War and headed off to Elysium for the week.

_But those damn Batarians._

She had been strolling through the outdoor market in the center of town when the ships had blasted down less than half a mile away, blowing up a few buildings on their way down. She turned and bolted for the local Alliance station she had passed a block earlier. She burst in to find an officer at the desk and 3 enlisted men playing poker in the corner.

"Sergeant! Get the weapons locker open NOW! How many men do you have?"

"Um…six…ma'am?" The three men in the corner stumbled up to attention.

Well that was just great. "Get them formed up and armed and meet me at the edge of the market!"

"Um…who are you…ma'am?"

"Lieutenant Shepard." She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "On shore leave…." She straightened up and glared at him. "Now! Goddamned move!" Everyone scrambled.

She ran to the weapons locker and started hunting. Assault rifle…shotgun…Hahne-Kedar pistol - she grabbed it and clipped it to her belt…submachine guns…ahhh, there we go – Kassa Fab Harpoon sniper rifle. She slung it over her back and ran.

Civilians were running in circles screaming and tripping over one another. She slipped through them to the edge of the market area and started flipping over fruit carts, clothing stands, anything of substance she could find and began building a makeshift barricade. The sergeant and his men appeared and she immediately started issuing orders. Some of the civilians came up and started pitching in. More than she would have expected – and good on them for that. In five minutes they had a barricade of reasonable strength and height. She doubted it would hold, but it was all she had. In six minutes the first wave of Batarians rounded the corner.

Ten hours later she leaned against the barricade and gathered together her dwindling biotic energies. Sergeant Bradley had died protecting his men from a grenade. Four of his six men had later died in various acts of greater and lesser heroism. Half the civilians that had stayed had died in more ways than she wanted to recall. They were almost out of ammo. She had been relying on biotics whenever possible, jealously guarding every sniper rifle bullet for the rare, perfect shots. But biotics were a tricky thing; she was running out of that ammo too.

Her mind raced – what else could they use as weapons? She looked around at the ruined remains of the market – was there anything there she could make bombs out of? Molotov cocktails at least? The swords from the "ancient weaponry" stand had already been gathered and stacked, waiting for what now seemed inevitable.

She breathed in deeply. A sword fight would be kind of cool. She'd had plenty of close-quarters combat training but had never had the opportunity for a real, live, non-sparring sword fight. There wasn't even a slot for a sword on standard-issue Alliance combat gear. She put aside the thought, pulled up the sniper rifle, aimed, and took the head off the Batarian that foolishly peeked around the corner.

Shit. There were more coming. A lot more. She shouted some orders to the remnants of her ragtag team, but doubted it would matter in the end. She eyed the swords again.

Then, like a gift from the heavens – no, an actual gift from the heavens – an Alliance gunship rose above the financial district buildings, swept over their position and opened fire on the Batarian stronghold. In the distance another Alliance gunship appeared and swept around the side. The cavalry had arrived.

She slumped down against the barricade, spent. Alive.

_I found a way to survive Dad. One more time, I found a way._


	3. XO

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 3**

**"XO"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot "If It Meant Living." Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<br>_

* * *

><p>The Normandy SR-1 shone like a star beneath the floodlights of the Arcturus dock. She was <em>beautiful<em>. Smaller than most Alliance warships, but sleek and graceful. This really might be fun.

Shepard was late. She had been in the middle of blowing up a Batarian slaver outpost when the new assignment came in; these things took time. This was her first XO assignment – N7 Special Forces marines didn't typically serve long, stable tours, on land or in space. But this was the most advanced Alliance warship in the fleet, a prototype, everything but its existence classified. She wasn't sure how long this assignment would last after the shakedown cruise was completed; but then again, she rarely knew where she would be the next month anyway.

They had waited on her because Captain David Anderson had specifically requested her for his XO. Anderson had been in command of the initial unit to arrive at Elysium, officially relieving her of duty from her homemade barricade. He had brought food too, so he was a goddamn capital "H" Hero in her book. Since then they had crossed paths three or four times in assignments around the galaxy, never working together for long but developing a comfortable relationship of mutual respect.

Of course, Anderson had specifically requested most of the officers on the Normandy. She had reviewed as many of their files as possible during the flight to Arcturus, and recited them in her head as she boarded the Normandy for the first time.

_- Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau_. Almost as many reprimands for insubordination as commendations for exemplary service. Disabled, chip on his shoulder over it, but likely the best natural pilot in the military. She wondered idly if he'd be a pal or a royal pain in her ass. Or both. Probably both.

_- Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko_. Tech, medic, biotic. L2 biotic, she had noted with a combination of sympathy and wariness. The most highly decorated officer on the ship outside of Anderson – and her – though, so she assumed he was functional enough. Handsome, too; god, she hoped he wasn't stuck-up and obnoxious….

_- Chief Physician Doctor Chockwas_. Years of experience aboard warships but with extensive knowledge of alien physiologies as well. Loved by all with whom she had served. Cool, maybe she wouldn't get all disapproving at all the cuts and…life-threatening gashes…she frequently came back to a ship bearing.

_- Navigation Officer Pressly_. Xenophobe. But he had worked with Anderson before, and been at Elysium, so he couldn't be all bad. Right?

_- Chief Engineer Adams_. Engine nerd. He's served on virtually every type of ship the Alliance built and knew their engines inside and out. She wondered if _anyone_ knew the Normandy's shiny new prototype engine inside and out. Well, at least she'd always know where to find him.

She stepped aboard to the salutes of most of the officers she had just been thinking of and a few more. How had they known she was there? She tried to suppress a grin at the pomp of it all. The first impression of your XO as a grinning, giggling idiot couldn't possibly be the right one to make! She (mostly) succeeded, returned the salutes, introduced herself, and scuttled off to her quarters. She had almost made it there when she felt the engines fire under her feet as they left dock. They really _had_ been waiting on her.

She made it back up to the flight deck just as they were hitting the Arcturus Relay. A Turian was positioned behind Joker in the cockpit. _Spectre_. She had heard the word whispered no less than three times during her quick traverse of the ship. He certainly wasn't in the roster file she had been forwarded.

Five minutes later she knew why he was here, and a great deal more. Beacons, Protheans, pirate threats - that did in fact all sound quite entertaining. But Spectre candidacy…. Okay then. She'd be lying if she said she didn't want it. What soldier hadn't dreamt of working without rules, without bureaucracy and endless regs? Not this one. But she understood the realities of galactic politics and humanity's complicated position in those politics. She studied it for a hobby. She knew becoming a Spectre was a long shot for her. For any human, for a while longer yet.

Nevertheless, this was the Big Show. And she was being dealt in. _Time to put your game face on, Shepard. Tamp down the smirk; kill the grins (mostly). And whatever you do, don't grin at the Lieutenant._

* * *

><p>Of course, everything went to hell the moment they got to Eden Prime. Geth – Geth! Groundside forces ambushed. A mysterious ship the size of a city hovering overhead. They had barely put their boots on the ground when that kid Jenkins she had just met five minutes ago ran out into the open like the FNG he was and got himself killed.<p>

She turned around to go all Commander Fucking Shepard on Alenko, to berate out of him any emotional shock at Jenkins dying in front of him and whip him back into some kind of shape. But when she finished turning around she found him standing on guard, scanning the vicinity for more hostiles, heavy pistol at the ready. Huh.

Just because he's an L2 doesn't mean he's a basket case Shepard. He's a soldier, by all accounts a damn good one, she berated herself. Wait – she was berating _herself_ now? She shook her head and wondered how that had happened.

Around the corner they found Geth vs. the sole surviving member of the groundside team. After the Geth were dead the woman soldiered up and gave a full report. That full report included the facts of her entire squad being massacred.

She regarded Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams' stiff upper lip and shining eyes with a great deal of respect. She knew first-hand what it was like to watch everyone around you die. Squadmates or classmates, the blowback was surely the same. She had held it together and found a way to survive when everyone else died. So, it seemed, had Williams. She squeezed Williams' shoulder and gave her a warm smile. "Come with us."

The beacon was missing. The apparent cause of all this mystery and massacre and reappearance of AIs from beyond the veil was _missing_. However, before she could finish conjuring up a great theory of a team of rogue ninja Turian Spectres beaming it up to the stealthed twin of the mysterious ship in the sky and share it with Alenko and Williams, they were being attacked by glowing blue skeletons. Yep, she said _glowing_ _blue_ _skeletons_ – no doubt about it. Luckily glowing blue skeletons only had rudimentary motor skills and she quickly _threw_ them up into space.

"Damn….nice."

She glanced over at Williams with a casual shrug.

"I'm sorry Commander. It's just – I haven't worked with many biotics. That was….that was the _shit_. Ma'am."

She burst out into full-throated laughter. "Why thank you Gunnery Chief Williams! It's been some time since I was on the receiving end of that particular compliment. I appreciate that quite a lot."

Williams took it in stride. "Lieutenant – just out of curiosity – could you have done that?"

Alenko got a dead serious thoughtful look on his face and rubbed his chin. He glanced at Williams, then glanced at her, then studied the rapidly disappearing blue glows in the sky.

"Yeah."

He spared one more glance at her with a raised eyebrow.

Well then.

The jovial mood was shattered when they found Nihlus dead. Woah. What in the _hell_ was going on. Maybe being a Spectre wasn't such a great job after all. Sure, soldiers died all the time, but they weren't usually shot point-blank from behind by a co-worker. This was definitely going to require some thought at a more convenient time.

They took the tram to the spaceport only to find it had been rigged with explosives. Rogue ninja Turian Spectres anyone? Before she could think the better of it she said "At least we'll go out with a…bang."

She cringed, probably outwardly . Dammit, her jokes couldn't be expected to be high quality when she was busy flinging Geth – honest to god no shit Geth! – off of platforms left and right while a bomb timer ticked down, now could they? Alenko quickly set about diffusing the bombs – without her even having to instruct him to do so, she noted dutifully – while she threw some more Geth off some more platforms. And watched Williams splatter Geth goo all. over. everything.

Impressive. That was some assault rifle. With a real soldier wielding it. Williams wasn't half bad at all, especially considering the incredible emotional strain she must be under. No, she took that back. Given her background she more than most knew that personal baggage shouldn't factor in to assessments of skill and performance. Williams wasn't half bad at all, period. She made another note to make sure Williams found her way onto the Normandy.

Alenko was quick and efficient, and they didn't blow up in a blaze of glory. Good things all. The Geth appeared to all be dead and they'd found the beacon. Even better. She called Joker for a pickup and started to chat up Williams, while Alenko wandered up to the beacon. She chuckled to herself. Leave it to a techie.

She had just learned that Williams had been stuck on this idyllic, scenic, thriving and utterly boring-as-shit colony (Williams' words, not hers) for the last three months when suddenly the scene went into the slow motion frames that usually meant death for some or all – the beacon was emitting a high-pitched noise, almost a wail – Alenko was dragged inexorably towards it – she ran for him – she was the Commander after all, it's what she did – he was lifted in the air – she reached him and threw him off to the side – felt herself pulled towards the beacon – she couldn't fight it – couldn't figh –

– Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Screams, words that could only be pleas for help even as they were incomprehensible. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. And through the barrage, one emotion, one message dominated every image –

_Warning. Warning. Warning. They are coming._


	4. Spectre

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 4**

"**Spectre"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<br>_

* * *

><p>She awoke 15 hours later in the Normandy medbay. Fifteen hours of a nightmare. But she was nothing if not resilient, so up off the bed she came. Chatted with the crew. Reassured Williams and Alenko that they had done nothing wrong, which they hadn't all things considered. Did the things she had read XOs did and tried not to think about blood and death and the ruin of the galaxy. Thanks to her extended nap, they were at the Citadel within a few hours.<p>

She remembered fantasizing about the Citadel as a teenager. On Mindoir. Before. _The remarkable super-structure that served as the hub of galactic society_. And in person, it surely was, and did. Gaping out the viewport with Williams, she put away the gloom and smiled. Remarkable indeed.

Ambassador Udina, however, was quite possibly the most vile, obnoxious man she had ever encountered. To be fair maybe not the most obnoxious _ever_, but close enough. So long as he served as the Ambassador humanity would surely never get a seat on the Council. She sighed in annoyance at his ineffectual blustering.

On the way to the Council Chamber (the Big Show indeed) they encountered two Turians arguing right in the middle of the walkway. The one in blue was sputtering in what was surely righteous indignation; his companion was unimpressed. In her experience she'd rarely seen Turians outwardly display much in the way of emotion; it was intriguing. And more than a little amusing to witness.

* * *

><p>"You can expect me to kill you the next time I see you!" Shepard fumed. The Council meeting was not going well. Did the Council members think some random dock worker had just pulled the name "Saren" out of a hat as a great name for a Turian or something? For the guardians and arbiters of the galaxy they sure were <em>dense<em>. She decided that she despised Saren the instant she laid eyes on his virtual form. Reading the body language of alien species was difficult to say the least, but he positively oozed malice. Danger.

He nonetheless won this round. But she wasn't done.

The unmistakable dark red glow of a seedy strip bar surrounded them; the slightly foul scent of human and alien alcohols mixing together seeped into their pores. Ahhh, this must be the infamous Chora's Den.

Ashley smirked. "A million light years from where humanity began, and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half-naked women shaking their asses on a stage." Shepard started to laugh aloud – she was really starting to like Williams. Before she could, however, Alenko retorted in as convincing a straight-face as she had recently seen, "What? You don't think they're here because of the food?" Then she really did laugh aloud.

She glanced at the plates on a table nearby. "They're not here for the food."

Harkin had yet to make an appearance, so they sidled up to the bar for a drink while they waited. She glanced idly up at the ring of strippers. While she wasn't inclined to ogle them, as a rule she didn't have anything against strippers. She had hardly been the first young girl desperate to get off a backwater colony, out of a one-ship town. She had talents useful in making such an escape successful but not everyone was so well-equipped, as it were. All too often they found themselves out in the big bad world with a powerful need to take care of themselves. She didn't begrudge them the result.

She was, however, disappointed in the disproportionate number of Asari over human strippers. Asari were nearly uniformly physically attractive, but they were also nearly uniform; she much preferred the infinite variety of human beauty.

Williams took a long sip of her drink. "Awfully quiet Commander, something on your mind?"

"I was just considering Asari versus human strippers."

"Hmm. Any conclusions?"

"Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, no matter the species."

Williams nodded sagely. "I know that's the truth."

Alenko had his drink halfway to his lips, his head cocked sideways; he was staring at them as if they had suddenly begun conversing in Krogan. She started to ask him whether he had a different opinion on the matter when she was interrupted by the bartender. "That guy you were looking for? Harkin? He just sat down over there."

"Bottoms up, ladies and gentlemen." She downed her drink and headed in the direction the bartender indicated.

Harkin was pathetic. Also disgusting. But helpful. They mercifully departed Chora's Den for the Med Clinic and that overly-emotional Turian they had encountered earlier.

The route to the Med Clinic happened to include the passing by of an absolutely spectacular, drop-dead gorgeous, utterly awe-inspiring view of the Citadel arms and the Nebula beyond. They wandered over to the two-story high windows as if pulled in by a magnet. In the understatement of this year at least, Alenko interrupted the gaping in awe with – "Big place."

Williams didn't cut him a break, but, feeling generous and generally awe-inspired, she did. "The Council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they are careful with newcomers" she remarked. Oblivious to the completely unimpressed look he was getting from Williams, Alenko replied "They probably just want to keep things running. It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together."

Williams scowled. "Or maybe they just don't like humans."

Not particularly desiring to address Williams' possible xenophobia at the moment, Shepard decided to keep things light. "Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love… according to all the old vids, we've got everything they want."

"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you – I mean us – humans – ma'am."

She couldn't help but look over at Alenko and…

_Shit. She had grinned at him. The beacon must have blown a fuse in the discipline region of her brain._

She was quite relieved when a few moments later they got to walk into the Med Clinc and shoot some bad guys, then sprint back to Chora's Den and shoot lots more bad guys. Nothing like shooting bad guys to distract the brain from endearingly cute lieutenants _under her command_.

Their little band of merry warriors had acquired themselves a Quarian – how cool was that? She peppered Tali with questions all the way back to Udina's office. What was the Migrant Fleet like? Where was it now? Did she ever get to go without her suit? What the hell was up with Geth outside the veil? Shepard had seen a sensationalistic "documentary" on the Quarians when she was in high school that claimed to answer those questions (except the last one), but she had been highly skeptical. Fortunately, Tali turned out to be a gregarious, delightful young woman who was as eager to share as Shepard was to ask.

* * *

><p>Two hours, one self-righteous Ambassador and one spunky Quarian later, she positively sauntered up the staircase to the Council Chamber. Saren was <em>so<em> going down.

Ten minutes and a lot of pomp and circumstance later she was a Spectre. The first and last line of defense of the galaxy. Holy fucking shit.

_I think you would be proud, Dad. _

_Not of my foul mouth of course._

It was going to take many hours for Anderson and Udina to push around enough papers to get her what she needed. She was pumped high on adrenaline and giddy on life. She grinned mischievously. Free time and the largest space station in the galaxy equaled nearly unlimited opportunities to get into some good, old-fashioned, (mostly) harmless trouble. She gathered up her growing band of merry warriors and managed _not_ to run down the Council Chamber staircase.


	5. Liara

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 5**

"**Liara"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>Shepard sat in the dark, the small desk lamp the only source of light. The Normandy was hers. Fortunately or not so much, depending on one's perspective, so likely was the fate of the galaxy.<p>

The adrenaline rush of becoming the first human Spectre and of overnight becoming the Captain of the most advanced warship in the Alliance fleet had long since worn off. Now the hard work began. That was fine – she didn't actually mind hard work so long as it was in pursuit of a tangible goal. She stared again at the long-range scans of Therum, studying the unmistakable markings of sentient activity. Tomorrow morning they would drop the Mako near those markings.

She had a number of leads to pursue – rumors of Geth activity here, colonies dropping out of contact there. But simply killing more Geth wasn't the quick path to Saren and the Conduit. She needed leverage. Human leverage, for lack of a better term. As a result their first stop was the daughter of Matriarch Benezia, the apparent right hand of Saren.

She sighed, wondered how life had gotten so damn complicated and then remembered that she had asked for it, fought for it and worked for it her entire life. She turned off the light to get some sleep.

She dreamed of blood and death and the ruin of the galaxy.

* * *

><p>The Mako flew over the top of the hill. She giggled in delight. The dark thoughts from the night before were quickly forgotten in favor of the visceral <em>fun <em> of driving her new little tank. Williams stared out the tiny window and tried very hard not to appear awe-struck at the strange, red, alien world. Alenko did not stare out the tiny window and worked very hard at not appearing like he was about to be sick.

Garrus and Wrex were back on the ship, likely sulking. Too bad. Her logic was impeccable. She needed Alenko to keep her alive _and_ to pick all the locks. Neither Garrus nor Wrex could offer both those skills in a single package. But since she then had two biotics, she needed a big gun. And while the two testosterone-filled aliens – were male aliens actually filled with testosterone or something altogether different? – would be loath to admit it, Ashley simply had the biggest guns. The Mako only held three passengers, so that was that.

Besides, she liked Ashley's company. The young woman was perhaps a bit provincial and definitely ignorant of many of the complexities of the finer species of the galaxy, but she always said exactly what she thought, usually with aplomb, and approached most encounters with zeal and a bit of a devil-may-care attitude. That was something Shepard appreciated to no end. She liked Alenko's company too. That was a different matter. One which she was not going to discuss. Nope. No way. No sirree. Not on a bet.

As she struggled to obey her declaration a Geth dropship buzzed the Mako and dropped its cargo just over the ridge. Oh thank god.

Until a week ago, no one had seen a Geth in over two hundred years – now they were falling out of the sky like flies. This surely couldn't be good for the health of the galaxy. On the other hand they _were_ fun to kill. Consisting of nothing but logic circuits, they were predictable. Given a static playfield they would move exactly the same way in exactly the same order every single time – the logical way. She was going to enjoy playing with them.

One hard-fought hour and an astonishing number of Geth crawlers (she didn't know what the hell else to call the four-legged variety) later, they reached the bulls eye on the map, an underground Prothean ruin. Shepard wasn't optimistic; with the number of Geth here it was exceedingly likely that Dr. Tsoni was either dead or working with Saren. Of course if she _was_ working with Saren, that would create its own advantages.

The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death. What they found instead was an Asari suspended three feet in the air, held aloft by some sort of energy field. In Shepard's new world of Geth crawlers and animated glowing blue skeletons, it really just didn't seem that odd. Another day at work.

Apparently the woman (mono-gendered or not, Asari were undoubtedly women) had trapped herself in a nifty Prothean security cage while trying to hide from the Geth. Getting her out presented something of a puzzle, so off they went to scope out the cavern and what treasures or handy escape devices it might hold.

"Alenko, do me a favor and make that mining laser fire if you could." She casually sighted the sniper rifle just off the edge of a rock a Geth thought he was hiding behind. The mining laser shot out a stream of plasma, the cavern wall disintegrated, the Geth peeked out from behind the rock, and she fired a single shot. She turned back around and gazed appreciatively at the gaping hole in the cavern. "Nice job!"

"I aim to please, ma'am."

_I'll just bet you do._

She picked her way over the rubble and found herself in an artificial circular structure. Oh look – a button. She scanned the room for a moment, shrugged and pushed it; the entire structure rotated up to the Asari. It was probably a good thing the floor hadn't opened up and dumped them all into a lava bed. She chastised herself for considering that possibility only after she had already pushed the button.

Dr. Tsoni swore she was not working for Saren, which given her current predicament meant absolutely nothing. If she was lying, that was fine; Shepard didn't have to turn around to know that Williams' assault rifle was trained on the doctor. In a positive turn of events, however, the doctor did not try to kill them on being released – it was a good start.

Then the earth moved under their feet and a fine dust started falling from the ceiling. Powerful mining laser blast, decaying ruins…oops. They ran.

Right into a snippy Krogan and his Geth pals. Krogan and Geth working together? What on earth was Saren doing?

Shepard smirked at the Krogan. "She'll stay with us, thanks."

Did he smirk back? "Not an option. Saren wants –"

"Williams, shoot this guy."

"With pleasure."

At least the hail of bullets didn't ricochet…. Two seconds after the Krogan (finally) hit the ground, they were again running. The cavern ceiling began collapsing on top of them; the ground began falling out from under them. Despite the fact that she could easily outrun them all, she stayed at the back of their little escape train. No one would be getting left behind. Ahh, the joys of command.

She broke the surface as a truly gigantic boulder fell behind her. The Normandy swooped in and they leapt aboard as the catwalk collapsed. Joker was totally her hero. Oh, and he would never let her forget it.

* * *

><p>Liara Tsoni was a Prothean expert. And 106 years old. And a child.<p>

Shepard sighed and shook her head. What was the point of living a thousand years if you spent the first five hundred growing up? A waste of a perfectly good couple of centuries.

That evening they all sat around the mess table and listened to Liara go on and on – and on – about the Protheans. Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. In reality, Shepard sat at the mess table and listened to Liara go on and on – and on – about the Protheans and her crew did what they would. Seeing as the Protheans were swimming about in her brain, she was actually quite interested, though rather more in their destruction than their culture.

Wrex lasted all of five minutes before interrupting Liara. "Are we going to need to kill any of them?"

Liara sputtered "Um…they're already dead…."

Wrex grunted, "No difference to me then," and wandered off.

Garrus gave a valiant effort to appear interested. He lasted twenty minutes before begging off to go fix the shocks on the Mako, which had _unaccountably_ become damaged while on Therum. That elicited another giggle from her, for which Garrus showed no appreciation. She was going to need to issue Garrus a sense of humor.

Ashley had her head in a datapad, murmuring "hmm" and "interesting" at marginally appropriate moments. Shepard stole a glance at the contents of the datapad – an article analyzing the differences between the Elkoss Combine, Hahne-Kedar and Elanus assault rifles. Good and proper reading material for a Gunnery Chief, even if the timing was a little suspect. Oh well – Ashley was stretching her comfort zone admirably by sharing breathing air and combat decisions with both a Krogan and a Turian; it was probably too much to expect her to stretch all the way to caring about a long dead alien species no one had ever seen.

Alenko appeared for all intents and purposes to be listening to the story of the rise and fall of the Protheans; in reality, he was mostly just staring at Liara with a combination of wariness and – and what, exactly? It wasn't interest was it? Surely it wasn't interest. Liara wasn't his type. Wait, how the hell did she think she knew his type? Why the hell did she care? She gently shook her head and realized she had lost track of Liara's story for a moment.

That was the second time today he had distracted her from the task at hand. Dammit, distractions had meant death for more than one soldier. Not that death was likely to come calling at the dinner table, but the point was no less valid for not being relevant at that moment.

She refocused herself on the rather thorny problem at hand. What must the Reapers _be_ to have completely destroyed a civilization that spanned half the galaxy, that built the mass relays and the Citadel?

What weapon could she possibly find that might defeat such an enemy? She paused and looked around as a radical thought hit her – could it be that such a weapon was sitting and walking and working throughout the Normandy right now?

She chuckled to herself. God, she was such a romantic.


	6. Thorian

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 6**

"**Thorian"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>Fai Dan pulled the trigger and blew his brains out.<p>

_Shit_. She had worked her ass off _not_ killing the crazy possessed colonists, even violating one of her most basic rules: Whenever possible, try to kill someone who is shooting at you. Then their revered leader goes and blows his brains out and ruins the whole thing.

This entire mission had been an unmitigated disaster from the start…

...

Following the rescue of Liara from Therum Shepard's hopes had been high that she was on the right path. That high quickly faded as it became obvious that Liara was not going to be of much direct assistance with Saren. Oh, Shepard knew much more about the Protheans now, which wasn't a bad thing in and of itself – she was sure it would come in handy one day. But Liara hadn't spoken to Benezia in several years and simply didn't know a damn thing about Saren.

She _needed_ to find Saren and make good on her promise to kill him. Barring that, she needed to find the Conduit and destroy it. Barring that, she needed to find a weapon to use against the Reapers. If all of those plans fell through, she needed to find a quiet place with a view to sit back and watch the destruction of all sentient life.

She sighed. Not really. She would fight no matter what. The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death. She would fight as long as there was the smallest chance of victory. Of course that wasn't exactly Plan A. Saren. Conduit. Weapon.

The problem was Shepard could see no direct path or action to take on Master Plan A at the moment.

So it was back to the Geth. In the absence of a direct pathway to her goal, she went back to what had been working – well, what had been productive anyway. She ran around the galaxy killing Geth. These days it seemed that was all she did. It was fun, no doubt about it. She sighed, again. She wasn't actually on this mission to have fun. Mostly.

Feros was infested with Geth – they had practically set up house here. So to Feros she had gone.

...

They had been on the ground for all of ten minutes when Shepard had decided that these colonists were – what was that _ancient_ movie Riley had insisted they watch on Halloween?_ Invasion of the Body Snatchers_? That was it. She hadn't known these colonists before… whatever happened to them, but she was fairly certain they had been body snatched and replaced with pod people.

Putting aside the crazy pod people for the time being, they had killed all the Geth. Again.

Now she needed to deal with one ancient mind-controlling plant. At her request, Wrex was checking on the hopefully unconscious colonists. He didn't much appreciate the assignment – "I'm not a damn nurse Shepard." He had done it anyway; she could hear him grumbling from around the corner.

She walked up to the crane controls and stared at the bank of buttons, dials and levers in bewilderment. Shepard was very, very good at a great many things, and bad at only a few. She was bad at tech. She sighed. Kaidan would have this thing moving in 5 seconds flat. For at least the fifth time today she asked herself why she hadn't brought him.

She hadn't brought him because Wrex was going bat-shit stir-crazy sitting in the ship; she was beginning to worry he would shoot a hole in the hull just to get out. It wasn't fair to keep him cooped up. She hadn't brought him because it was important to get all her crew out and fighting and gaining experience against the enemy; one never knew when they would need it. Mostly, though, she hadn't brought him because she was disturbed by his propensity to distract her, and she hadn't figured out what to do about it yet.

She stared at the crane controls, willing them to arrange themselves in a logical order. Ashley wandered over and joined her in looking at the controls. "Shooting them probably won't work, will it?"

"Wouldn't it be awesome if it did?"

"Most things are, ma'am."

She chuckled and started pushing random buttons. In a stroke of what was surely luck, the random combinations eventually mimicked an actual pattern and the structure lifted to reveal a stairway.

They gathered together at the top of the stairs. Shepard stared down into the dark, then at her teammates. "We go down." As they descended they began planning strategy for dealing with… they stopped dead in their tracks. The Thorian.

Dear god.

Shepard sighed dramatically. "Nothing's ever simple, is it?"

Ashley whistled. "We are gonna need bigger guns."

Wrex just grunted. "Da-amn." Then the Thorian _regurgitated_ an Asari Commando.

And the creepers woke up.

Creepers were disgusting. Really and truly. She had plenty of opportunities to study just how disgusting they were, because they were damn persistent. And numerous. And disgusting.

Ashley cursed, and shot, and cursed some more. And shot some more. As was true of many marines, she had quite the vocabulary. Then she muttered what could only be a curse in...Krogan? Wrex howled in delight. "You _have_ been paying attention!" Then he lumbered into the middle of the latest crowd of creepers and began firing his shotgun in a circular pattern while the creepers pawed ineffectually at him.

Fully 206,541 creepers later – she had counted – the Thorian splattered to the ground below. An Asari, thankfully one without a gun, crawled out of the remains.

Shiala gave Saren's warship a name – Sovereign. She claimed Saren was somehow using the _ship_ to exert control over the minds of his followers, slowly indoctrinating them to his way of thinking.

How could a ship act to control minds? With that kind of power Saren would represent an altogether different kind of threat.

But Saren had an interest in the Thorian beyond mind control. The Thorian had lived while the Protheans lived; it had absorbed knowledge of them. From it Shiala had acquired the knowledge of the Protheans. Thus Saren had acquired the knowledge of the Protheans. And so Shepard would acquire the knowledge of the Protheans. She steeled herself and embraced eternity.

In the space between the seconds before the vision assaulted her, she couldn't help but note that she had always been "embracing eternity." Her entire approach to life was all about embracing eternity. She really didn't see what was so special about the Asaris and their overwrought dramatic magic show presentation of embracing eternity. On the other hand, her eyes didn't glow black when she was embracing eternity, which, as she had just pointed out, was pretty much all the ti –

– Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Screams, words that now were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. The message was now unmistakably, horribly clear –

_Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._

She sank to her knees, overwhelmed by despair.

* * *

><p>She managed to get through the post-mission debriefing without trying to rip her brain out through her ear. Prothean visions <em>sucked<em>. Being able to understand the words did nothing to rectify the fact that they _sucked_.

Everyone filed out of the meeting room; Kaidan fell in beside her as they started down the stairs. "I heard you had some technical difficulties groundside. I could have helped with that."

"Could you have now?"

"Yes ma'am. You know, if you had taken me along."

She shook her head in frustration. She was strung out from the Cipher and not thinking overly clearly. "Dammit Alenko, you distract me! And distractions will get us all killed, I can't have them. Just...argh!"

He stopped short on the stairs. "I...I do what?"

Oh, to be able to rewind about ten seconds. "Nothing. Forget I said anything."

He swung around in front of her and stopped, blocking her path. "So I'm grounded now or something?"

"No, of course not. I mean – "

"If you are just going leave me behind then you might as well drop me off at the next planet with a spaceport."

She quit trying to go around him. "Do you _want_ to be reassigned?"

He looked at her for a long moment. "God no. But let me _help_ you."

Oh, she was weak. Weak, weak, weak. Pudding. She closed her eyes for a moment.

"Okay. No more grounding." She tried to laugh it off. "Besides, Wrex bitched, moaned and insulted the colonists the entire mission. I was ready to throttle him."

She turned to walk off to her quarters.

He called out after her. "I promise I'll try not to distract you."

It took every ounce of her depleted willpower, but she didn't stumble; she didn't even slow her gait. She just walked straight into her quarters, let the door close, then leaned back against it and glared up at the ceiling. This man was going to drive her insane.


	7. Sins

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 7**

"**Sins"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<br>_

* * *

><p>The distress call had come in just as they were returning from a little side trip to retrieve Wrex's ancestral family armor. If such a thing were possible, Wrex could possibly be considered giddy. Shepard was grinning and shaking her head at Wrex when Joker broke in over the comm. An asteroid was being artificially propelled straight into humanity's largest extra-solar colony and they were the only ship with a hope of reaching it in time. So they turned around, put their armor back on, and landed the Mako on an asteroid – to Joker's gleeful delight.<p>

Shepard jumped out of the Mako to turn on a transmitter at the crest of a "hill" and stopped in her tracks. Terra Nova dominated the sky, looming impossibly large over the asteroid. She swore she could almost reach out and touch it. It was stunning. She had seen many beautiful places in her life; that fact in no way detracted from the fact that the vista in front of her was absolutely stunning.

"Anyone got a camera?"

"Sorry Commander, left it on the Normandy with the backpacks and picnic basket." Shepard shot Ashley a mildly dirty look. If she didn't want to appreciate the spectacular sight above, that was just fine. Shepard would stand there and gawk as long as she wanted, dammit.

Her gawking was promptly interrupted by a squawk on the radio. A woman's voice started speaking in what seemed a hushed whisper. "I don't know who you are, but I hope you're here to help. There are three propulsion torches around the asteroid you need to shut off."

"Who is this?"

"My name's Kate Bowman, an engineer on the project – I need to go; they're holding us hostage in the—" She broke off in static.

Shepard wistfully took one last look of wonder at the view before her. "Time to go to work."

The first torch was just down the hill, the "off" switch presumably in the adjoining building. A vehicle was parked outside. They went in with weapons drawn.

A Batarian mercenary team met them inside the door. _Goddamn Batarians_.

The room exploded in mass effect fields and bullets. After appropriately dealing with the mercenaries, they quickly located the conveniently-labeled "off" switch. One down, two to go.

On the way back out, however, they were met by a human. Did he seriously just _shoot_ at her? She sighed. Her rule about trying to kill someone who was shooting at her was really become more of a "guideline," wasn't it? Chief engineer on the project, turned out. He explained in excruciating detail just how much worse the situation was than she had thought. He also had some helpful information on the Batarian terrorists running this operation.

Shepard responded to the information with disdain. "The Batarian government is a rogue state. They don't abide by the Citadel's rules, regulations or treaties. And…if even they can't keep their own crazies in line, well, we'll do it for them."

As they left the building Kaidan remarked, "Commander…I've never heard you talk about aliens that way before."

"Then you've never heard me talk about Batarians before. I've never met one who was worth one goddamn."

Kaidan frowned. "Well, neither have I, I suppose, but I don't doubt they exist."

"I do. Slavers, thieves, killers. Every one of them." Shepard quickened her pace and strode off towards the Mako.

Unwilling to let it go, Kaidan jogged up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Shepard, stop. What's going on? I've never seen you like this before."

She whirled around, knocking his hand away. Her face was as hard as steel behind the breather mask. She stared at Kaidan with such intensity he flinched. "Batarians killed my parents. My friends. My classmates. My teachers. Just about everyone I'd ever known in fact. On Mindoir…I was sixteen years old."

"I…I'm so sorry Shepard. I didn't know you were from Mind– "

She kept going, as if not noticing he had spoken. "On Elysium they spent _ten hours_ trying to kill me. Damn near succeeded. They killed everyone around me, those I had promised to protect. They intended to kill tens of thousands of people, whose only sin was being successful, of creating something new and bright." Her eyes burned with hatred – or possibly with tears. "They failed that day, but obviously they are undeterred."

She looked up at the beautiful planet looming ever closer. "Today they plan to kill millions. _Millions_." She thrust a finger at Kaidan's chest. "I will _not_let them do this." She turned on heel and practically charged the Mako, leaving Kaidan and Ashley standing frozen, mouths agape.

...

She flipped the "off" switch on the second torch. Kate came on the comm link. "Wonderful! Only one mo—"

A Batarian interrupted her. "Who's shutting down the torches?" The silence stretched across the seconds. Then a shot rang out; the comm went dead.

Shepard stared unblinking for a moment. "Fuck!" She slammed her fist into the control panel.

Kaidan instinctively reached out for her but his hand stopped short. "Shepard –"

"Come on. We're running out of time." She turned and stormed down the stairs, droplets of blood falling from her knuckles and marking her path. For the second time in less than 30 minutes she left Ashley and Kaidan standing speechless.

...

The first minute of the drive over to the last torch occurred in silence. Finally Kaidan could stand it no longer.

"Look, Shepard – "

"Don't."

He sighed in frustration. "Well can I at least take a look at your hand? Get some medi-gel on it?"

"I said _don't_. It's fine."

The remainder of the drive occurred in silence.

...

They came down the stairs from turning off the last torch to find a small group of Batarians waiting for them. Shepard's hand pulled back, readying a biotic _throw_, when the Batarian in front raised his hands in a universal peace offering.

"This doesn't have to end in bloodshed. The whole thing has gone to hell anyway. I told Balak it was a bad idea."

She stared at the Batarian, ice in her eyes.

"This isn't just a slave grab any more. Millions of people are going to die. You keep listening to this Balak and you and your men will end up dead."

"I know that! I knew this was trouble from the start." He sighed. "But what Balak wants, Balak gets. I can't change that."

"I can." She fired.

...

She stared at Balak in utter disbelief. Did he really just blame Elysium on _humans_?

"I'm leaving this asteroid. If you try to stop me, I'll detonate the charges on the holding cell and your helper and her friends are all doing to die. Kill me and you kill them. Choose."

Shepard stood perfectly still. She didn't blink. Her finger on the trigger twitched.

Kaidan interjected. "Shepard, it's over. We stopped the asteroid. You don't have to—"

She fired.

Balak staggered and fell. "You humans think you're so superior. But you're no better than us. I gave you a chance to save them and you threw it away. Who is the real terrorist now?"

"You. But you're dead."

She fired again.

Balak sputtered and fell silent – his hand opened – a trigger rolled across the floor.

Behind her a bomb exploded.

* * *

><p>She sat on her bed in the pitch dark, arms wrapped around her knees, pulled close to her chest. In her mind the fallen bodies of her classmates became bodies piled up against a barricade became a room of bodies charred beyond recognition, cycling in an endless loop.<p>

There was a knock on the door. She ignored it.

A second knock. She ignored it.

The third knock never came.

_She didn't have to do it._

She could recite a long list of excuses why it was a justifiable decision. Tried to find new reasons to add but kept coming up blank.

Kaidan had been right. The colony had already been saved.

_She didn't have to do it._

And what good had it done? It didn't bring back her father, her mother. It never did. It didn't bring back Riley or Jennifer. Hell, it didn't even bring back Sergeant Bradley or Ensign Anders.

She saw the bodies charred beyond recognition before the loop cycled again. Their blood – Kate Bowman's blood – Kate, who had stood up and risked her life to help Shepard save them all – all their blood – was on her hands.

It would be many hours before she slept.

* * *

><p>After a day of doing nothing but flying, they all sat around the mess table for dinner. Wrex regaled them with a wild tale of a three-day battle against an Asari commando and friend. "And then I got this message. All it said was 'Better luck next time.' Son of a bitch, somehow she had gotten out! What a girl!" Laughter abounded around the table.<p>

The story concluded, everyone started to disperse.

"Ashley, Kaidan, hang out with me for a minute." They quickly resumed their seats, Ashley across from her, Kaidan beside her.

She took a deep breath. "I owe both of you an apology. I behaved badly yesterday. Unprofessionally. You had no way to know of my history, of my…feelings, and you didn't deserve the way I treated you. I don't – I've had other hostile encounters with Batarians in the last six years; I don't know exactly why this one set me off so badly. Regardless, it was unfair to you. And for the record, if I had it to do over again I would let Balak go. Killing him wasn't the right choice. He was a bad guy, but it wasn't worth the cost. Anyway, I'm sorry."

"It won't happen again."

Ashley flared, fervor in her voice. "Commander, if I had been through what you had, I would have absolutely done the same! Probably worse. I don't have a personal reason to hate Batarians, though I do. But you – _you_ – have the most justifiable reason I've ever heard in my life to feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up over it. I wouldn't. This is a war. People die. Sacrificing lives is just the price we pay for making the tough decisions, for doing what has to be done." She sat back and crossed her arms in some measure of defiance.

Kaidan simply said "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

Underneath the table, though, he reached over and squeezed her hand.

For that moment she didn't worry about what it might mean, about regs and ranks; she simply returned the squeeze, grateful to not be alone.

Understanding, he didn't let go.


	8. Surprises

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 8**

"**Surprises"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>The snow swirled around her face then stuck to her hair. It would have been delightful if it wasn't <em>twenty degrees below zero<em>. Her ears were going to fall off and shatter on the ground below. She really should have worn a full helmet...

"We're clear." Garrus came over the comm link. They couldn't hear each other for crap over the wind.

Other considerations aside, she had meant it that she needed to get all her crew out and killing bad guys. Liara was something of a necessity on this mission. Of course, three biotics would have been idiocy.

...

Kaidan had understood.

They had talked about it last night after dinner. She had wanted him to understand she wasn't going back on her promise – especially after what had happened at Terra Nova. And after. They had talked about other things too, and eventually he had told her about the fateful day at Jump Zero when he had killed Vyrnnus.

She looked at him for a long moment; long enough that he started squirming. "Are you afraid of me now?" He looked down at his hands, visibly uncomfortable. "Afraid I'll snap?"

"Of _course_ not."

He looked back up at her. "Then what is that look you are giving me?"

"Respect." She chuckled softly. "I was arrogant enough to assume that I was the only one here who had lived through a horrible childhood trauma and successfully overcome it."

"No, there's no _comparison_ to…and I was the cause of this – it was my fault."

"It changed your life forever, didn't it?"

He sighed. "Yes, yes it certainly did."

She smiled. "Well there you go."

...

Garrus was a good, good soldier. A warrior even. He made her wish the Mako held four. In the firefight at the Synthetic Insights office he had easily followed her lead, and hadn't complained once about having to try to aim and shoot all the bodies flying around and through the air, presumably recognizing it as a hazard of running around with two particularly powerful biotics.

"Okay, back in the Mako. We're almost to the Peak. I think."

"Yes, Commander." She could hear the uncertainty in Liara's voice even over the comm. Liara was nervous about seeing her mother, and becoming more so by the moment.

Shepard imagined that if her mother was 900 years old, she might be a little intimidated as well. If she was 900 years old _and_ had turned into an evil mastermind, even more so. But Shepard couldn't not bring her – she owed Liara that much – even if she had to kill Benezia before it was over. That seemed the likely outcome, though she was hopeful it would end in a cleaner, better way. The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death. She mostly really hoped she didn't end up having to kill Liara as well.

Liara had a good heart and a kind soul. She would never willingly choose the side of Saren and the Reapers. But the side of her mother? All sentient beings craved the love and approval of their parents; it would certainly be unfair to expect Liara to be any different.

She would just have to be ready.

...

"What could I say, mother? That you're insane? Evil? Should I explain to Shepard how to kill you?"

Shepard's heart simply broke at the raw, visceral pain in Liara's voice, in her eyes, on her face. She was going to enjoy killing this cold heartless bitch standing before her. Only two dozen Geth and a handful of Asari Commandos in the way. Piece of cake.

It mostly was.

Benezia bowed her head for a moment, then looked up – and was a completely transformed person. _This_ was going to be interesting.

She spoke quickly and with purpose. She spoke of Saren in her mind and indoctrination; of Sovereign and its immense power; of a hidden relay and a path to the Conduit.

Then she faltered, wavered.

"– His teeth are at my ear, his fingers on my spine – "

"Mother! – I – don't leave, fight him!"

"You've always made me proud Liara."

In an act of supreme self-sacrifice, Benezia allowed herself to die.

Shepard had been wrong – absolutely, completely, one hundred percent wrong – about Benezia. It gave her a moment of pause. It was a timely – and perhaps needed – reminder to never stop questioning, never start assuming she knew all she needed to, and most of all never buy into her own press. The world, not to mention those who inhabited it, would on occasion continue to surprise her.

It turned out the world wasn't quite done with the surprises – not just yet.

The commando she was relatively certain she had killed a moment ago lurched to her feet and slowly began speaking in a hitched, staccato manner. Beyond the glass a giant creature moved to the front of its gilded cage.

Even translated through a dead Asari's vocal chords, the Rachni Queen's language was _beautiful_. Shepard tried to imagine speaking not in words, but in colors and music. It was an exquisite vision. It was also in jarring disharmony with the irrefutable evidence that it was a _bug_ speaking. A hideous, multi-legged, antennae-wielding _bug_. And its voice was beautiful.

Shepard shook her head and jarred herself out of the spell. She was fairly certain important things were being said here.

The Rachni Queen begged for her life, for the life of her species. Don't misunderstand, she was dignified and proud about it – yes, she had in fact just called a giant bug _dignified_. But she begged nonetheless.

"We stand before you. What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to fade away once more?"

Shepard had not been alive during the Rachni Wars. Humans had not even conceived of space travel when the Rachni Wars occurred. She was not a historian well-versed in what she was certain were the intricate nuances of the Rachni Wars. In short, she had no right to make this decision.

Except that the Council had granted her the right to make _all_ the decisions when they named her a Spectre, hadn't they?

So she talked with the Queen – about her memories, her children, her species. And while she didn't understand what must have happened during the Rachni Wars, she knew instinctively that, alien and unknowable as she was, the Queen fundamentally meant her no harm, meant none of them harm – at least in the abstract of course. All creatures meant harm to those who would attack them.

Most of all, she couldn't kill this creature. Not after hearing the music. Not after seeing the impossible colors.

"We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children."

A few short minutes after taking such an incredibly noble action, she would be required to kill many hundreds of those children.

They headed down the hallways towards the Hot Labs. Garrus fell in beside her. "Is every mission like this, Commander?"

She grinned. "Whatever do you mean Garrus?"

"Oh, I don't know…powerful mind-controlled adversaries, long-extinct species making cameo appearances…"

"Actually, yes. Remarkably so, in fact."

"How do you do it? How do you know the right decision to make? When I was at C-Sec, it was easy. We were the good guys; the criminals were the bad guys. Arrest them if you could, shoot them if you couldn't. But out here, there aren't any rules…there aren't even any guidelines."

"I _don't_ know Garrus. You're right, there isn't a rulebook. I can only try to see the whole picture, keep in mind the goal – saving the galaxy of course – and do what my teaching, experience and most importantly my heart tells me is right. It usually works. Usually."

"Well Commander, I'd rather you be the one out here making these decisions than anyone else I know."

She smiled at him appreciatively. "Thank you, Garrus."

* * *

><p>Liara remained incredibly strong in the face of witnessing her mother's death. Shepard took her aside, tried to get her to talk about it, to get her to admit sadness, regret, anything; but Liara would have none of it. She stoically held her head high and spoke of her mother in a reserved, flat voice. Perhaps she wasn't such a child after all. Never start assuming.<p>

And then…and then Liara smiled. "But let's not talk about Benezia any longer Com – Shepard. I'd rather talk about you." She paused. "You….you intrigue me. I thought that maybe – I didn't know how to bring it up –but I thought that…there might be something between us. Something personal. Something special."

Wait, _what_?

Shepard made it a point to be friendly and open with her team. She was in charge; none of them would ever doubt that. As a result there was no need to lord it over them. She had no problem being their friend, even if at times only on a superficial level. It built camaraderie and trust among everyone, two things that could one day – any day – mean the difference between living and dying.

Liara had made it clear early on that she didn't understand much about human relations. It wasn't her fault. Shepard…should have been more careful with her.

Once she recovered from the momentary shock, she tried to let Liara down gently. As gently as she possibly could. It probably wasn't gentle enough.

"Liara, I'm sorry… I don't…."

It was not a good day in Liara's world.

After finally escaping that – holy fuck – uncomfortable situation, Shepard wandered around the ship talking amiably with the rest of the crew. Despite her outward demeanor of casual – and with one exception, absolutely, completely platonic – friendliness, her mind was racing around in circles. People on two different planets had spoken of mind control, of indoctrination. Of Sovereign. A ship unlike anything ever seen. This much she knew – she had seen it herself. But how could it give Saren the power to control minds? Was it truly possible?

What was Sovereign? What _was_ she truly facing?


	9. Persuasion

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 9**

"**Persuasion"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>It was a sheer stroke of luck that she had managed to mostly push aside the beacon's insistent whispers and get a good night's sleep before arriving at the Citadel. It was supposed to be a quick stop off to report back on the results of various endeavors. No one had informed her she would need to be at the top of her game from the moment she stepped off the Normandy.<p>

Rear Admiral Mikhailovich waited for her on the dock catwalk, claiming the right to inspect _her_ ship. He was spoiling for a fight, but she would not indulge him.

She straightened her shoulders and put on her most convincing soldier face and proceeded to win him over with a smooth voice, irrefutable logic and a barrage of facts. He wandered off pondering a new perspective on intergalactic relations. It probably didn't last much past the elevator ride, but that was long enough.

She then proceeded to step off the elevator from the docking bay into an ambush.

"Khalisah Al-Jilani, Westerlund News. Commander Shepard, the people want to hear from the first human Spectre."

She had seen this woman's previous work – hit pieces consisting of little more than insinuations and slanderous accusations disguised as questions. More than one celebrity had fallen into the trap on camera.

Shepard let slip the smallest of grins. This celebrity – _how_ _cool was that_ – would eat this woman for breakfast, with a smile and a twinkle in her eye.

The lights of the camera turned on her, and she _shone_. She projected the very picture of the best of the military, of the diplomatic corps, of the Spectres, all wrapped up in a perfect package – grace, authority, confidence, a natural likeability. She seemed someone people could envision leading an attacking force as much as having over for a leisurely dinner in their home.

She concluded the interview with a thoughtful look towards the camera. "Respect is a funny thing; people always believe they deserve it. Respect is _earned_ – and I firmly believe we can earn it."

In a matter of minutes, she had earned the respect of a great number of people in a great number of places.

...

"It's _beautiful_…"

Ashley removed the HMWA X Assault Rifle from the rack and lovingly ran her hand along the barrel. Shepard idly wondered whether any of Ashley's lovers had ever been so gently caressed. Probably not.

"The body is made entirely of carbon fiber, so it's twenty percent lighter than the lightest rifles – and it has fewer moving parts so it's easier to maintain – it has this special mechanism that – "

"We'll take it."

Ashley looked up, eyes wide. "Oh, no, Commander! We couldn't. It costs a third of my yearly salary!"

Shepard grinned broadly. "Spectres are very well funded. You wouldn't _believe_ what I saw when I checked my account earlier."

"We can have it? Really?"

"_You_ can have it."

Ashley squealed in delight – gasped in horror as she realized what she had done – clamped down her expression – and stood up ramrod straight. "Thank you ma'am."

Shepard chuckled and turned to pay the C-Sec officer. The HMWSR X sniper rifle positioned next to the now empty rack slot caught her eye.

"That one too."

...

Her comm buzzed as they strolled along the Presidium Lake, interrupting a perfectly lovely afternoon.

"Commander Shepard? Lieutenant Girard. I'm sorry to bother you. It's just – we've got a situation and I hope you can help."

She sighed imperceptibly. "Go ahead Lieutenant."

"There's a young woman at the docks…she was taken by slavers in the Mindoir raid when she was a little girl. Apparently she just escaped from them, hid in a ship's cargo hold, and ended up here. She's pretty messed up Commander. Somehow she got a gun and is threatening to kill herself. We've got her isolated, and we have a sedative for her, but she won't let anyone anywhere near her." He paused. "Thirteen years as a slave, Commander…."

"I'm on my way."

She cut the comm and ran, steeling her mind against the incoming onslaught of memories. Mindoir. The cheers of the crowd. The screams of the crowd. The gunfire. The blood. Her father. Her moth– she had never seen her mother's body.

_I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive. Live._

Nine days out of ten, she didn't think about it. She didn't need to. Nine days out of ten she had overcome the past.

She had reached higher and farther than her father could possibly have imagined. She had taken tragedy and turned it into a life of adventure, even of joy. She had walked away from a tragedy that would have broken most people – from the very tragedy that broke this girl. This girl she was going to save.

She looked at the shattered young woman with pure empathy. "Talitha, I was on Mindoir. My parents died in the raid too."

"Why are you alive? Why are you – why aren't you like her? Broken, only fit to dig and carry!" she spat.

The girl would only refer to herself in the third person – no doubt to distance herself from all the horrors that had befallen her – but Shepard continued to use her name. She needed to convince her she was real. _Alive_.

Shepard's voice was soft, gentle. "For a while I was broken. I lost my whole family Talitha. My friends, my childhood. I had to pull myself up and keep going. I had to _live_."

Talitha stared at her, a light slowly growing in her eyes. "You lose your mommy and your daddy but you don't dig, you don't carry. You stand up."

"She wishes she could stand up." She reached out and took the sedative.

"Will she have bad dreams?"

Shepard hugged her gently. In this moment, when she had come so far, Shepard couldn't disrespect her with a lie. "I'm sorry. I honestly don't know." Talitha squeezed her tight then went limp in her arms. Shepard laid her down gently against the crates and motioned for Girard's men.

The crisis over, Lieutenant Girard railed in indignation. "Why the hell are we out here if we can't keep one little girl safe?"

Shepard looked hard at him. This man might have a heart too big for the military. She hoped he didn't lose it. "Bad things happen to good people, Lieutenant. That's why you and I are here. Don't wring your hands over her – _help_ her."

* * *

><p>She sat at the mess table and absently sipped her coffee. She was emotionally drained. Good lord but the Citadel was a viper's nest of traps and snares and political machinations.<p>

She thought about Talitha, about a broken life that maybe now had the smallest chance of being redeemed...about a life that but for a moment's difference might have been hers. She liked to believe she would have fought, every second and every inch; she liked even more to believe she would have prevailed. But the universe was a finicky place; one never truly knew about these things.

She looked over and smiled as Kaidan sat down beside her.

"You did a great thing today Shepard."

She sighed. "I hope so. She's got a long path ahead of her to walk. It won't be easy."

"It never is." He paused, then tilted his head a bit and looked at her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She stared at him for a long moment then looked down and swirled her coffee.

"There was a big rugby game that night. Everyone was at the stadium…"

She lost all track of time and place.

Some time later, she let out a long breath, almost as if…a weight had been lifted? No, that was _silly_. "Some soldiers found me under the rubble eighteen hours later. I was badly dehydrated and…I was kind of out of it for a while." She grinned a little. "Not long though. When I was healthy enough I was initially put in the foster system, but I scored high enough on the academic and intelligence tests that I was allowed to attend a boarding school mostly for military kids. And the rest is history."

Kaidan smiled gently at her. "You loved your father very much, didn't you?"

"I – I loved my mother too; she was a wonderful woman. But…yeah, I did. My father's the reason I am who I am."

"Then I very much would have liked to have known him. To create such a remarkable woman – and send her my way."

She looked up at him, surprised. He was rarely so…bold? Confident? I mean, he was certainly confident enough on the battlefield, or when knee-deep in circuitry, but in more _personal_ interactions he tended towards shy, awkward. She could only suppose that exposing her own soft underbelly had somehow…emboldened him. Hmmm.

He was grinning mischievously, though sweetly. "What? You're not going to deny that you're remarkable _now_, after all you've done, are you?"

"I – "

"And I'm surely not the first man to tell you that, am I?"

She was completely flustered. "Well – "

He lost the grin and grew serious, reaching out and grasping her hand. "Thank you. Thank you for telling me. I know it was difficult, and it means a lot. I only hope that it's made tonight a little easier for you."

She looked at him in wonder. What…what had he _done_ to her?

His confidence petered a little. "Um…what does that look mean? I never know what you're thinking…should I…" He started to drop her hand; she grabbed ahold of his.

"It did. Thank you. It's just…I haven't talked about it with anyone in a long time."

He breathed out, visibly relieved. "Okay." He looked down at their hands, now well and truly intertwined. "I know there's a better than average chance we won't make it out of this alive, or –"

She interrupted him with a grin. "Are you kidding? I always survive."

"Because your dad told you too."

"Pretty much."

He breathed in. "Okay, then, on the assumption that we _will_ survive…when this is over…undoubtedly with a positive outcome…would you…would you consider going away with me…if we _get_ a shore leave, I mean…would you…want to spend it together?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yyyyeeeessss."

"Okay then."

...

She walked into her quarters. What had she just done? What was she – oh, screw it.

Shore leave with Kaidan. The idea was...intriguing. Appealing. A tropical resort perhaps, or cold, snowy mountains….

_Great_. Now every time she looked at him she was going to be thinking about –

No matter. Later.

She grinned.


	10. Cerberus

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 10**

"**Cerberus"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added and dialogue modified), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Notes<strong>__: If by some strange anomaly you have not played both Mass Effect 1 and 2, __**SPOILERS**__!__ Also, the second part of this chapter briefly references events that occurred in the novel Mass Effect: Revelation as well as, indirectly, the comic Mass Effect: Evolution. Finally, the end of this chapter is arguably non-canon (we really don't know for sure yet, do we?). _

* * *

><p>Admiral Kahoku's body lay in the midst of Thorian Creeper entrails.<p>

Shepard fumed. "Goddammit! Cerberus has one hell of a lot of gall to murder an Alliance Admiral in cold blood – then leave his body to rot with monsters."

Kaidan crouched beside the body. "Ligature marks on his wrists and ankles…some bruising that could indicate torture…needle marks on his arm. Could be the ultimate cause of death."

He stood up and wiped creeper goo from his hands to his pants legs. "This is…this is inexcusable. I know Cerberus is mixed up in some sick business, but this is beyond the pale."

Shepard frowned, still staring at Kahoku's body. "I don't know, I was kind of partial to 'turning innocent colonists into Husks for shits and giggles' occupying the number one slot on the Cerberus shenanigans Top Ten List. But I don't disagree."

Ashley returned from checking the last room. "Are you two necking _already_? Sheesh, I leave you alone for two minutes…" She shook her head in an exaggerated motion.

Shepard froze, eyes wide. Wha – How? What must Ashley think? But they hadn't even – how was she going to deal with… She groaned inwardly. _This_ was why there were regs against fraternization.

"No – we – the Admiral – "

Ashley looked at her with a straight face for a moment, then burst out laughing. "Your _face_ – it – and _then_ – " She suddenly realized what she was doing and tried to stop laughing, though she couldn't entirely kill her grin. "I'm sorry Commander. No offense meant. I only – "

Shepard couldn't help it; Ashley's bout of giggles was infectious, her pathetic attempt to stop them even more so. She dropped her head a bit and started chuckling. "Congratulations Chief. You can now add to your list of achievements 'totally and completely flummoxing your commanding officer'."

Ashley looked at Shepard with a measure of…affection? "Thanks Commander. I'd been looking for that one."

They both turned and looked at Kaidan. He had his head in his omni-tool, fingers flying across it. "Anything to add, LT?"

He glanced up. "Me? Nope. Not a thing." – and went back to his omni-tool.

Shepard cocked her head at him for a moment, then caught a glimpse of the Admiral's body behind him – and the reality of the situation came crashing back in. Moments of levity were a necessity in the face of so much death, but they never lasted long.

"No, Chief, we were discussing where this particular atrocity fell on the Top Ten List of Cerberus Sins."

"Number two" she replied without hesitation. "Number one is definitely letting thresher maws kill nearly an entire unit of marines – then experimenting on those that survived. Marines!" She shook her head in disgust. "And they call themselves pro-human. Motherfucking barbarians."

Shepard clicked her comm – "Joker, let Chakwas know we've going to need a retrieval on a body…yes, I _know_ we don't usually pack up the bodies we find and take them home with us. It's Admiral Kahoku…okay, that will be fine."

She looked around at the stacks of boxes and equipment along the walls. "Tear this place apart. I don't care how long it takes. Find anything and everything you can on Cerberus and their dirty little secrets. We aren't done with them."

She finally turned from Kahoku, walked to the nearest box, and started ripping it apart.

She was on her twelfth box when Kaidan squatted down next to her. "I broke the encryption on the central terminal. We've got the location of their headquarters – for this cluster at least."

She smiled at him – not her usual grin/almost smirk, but a genuine, full smile. "Damn nice job." She even let him help her up; her legs _were_ cramping – a little – from squatting for two hours. He kept a hold on her hand for one…two seconds longer than was in any way appropriate. Electricity – not entirely biotic in nature – flowed between them. Okay, that was plenty long enough for public consumption.

She turned and scanned the room – mostly hiding the fact that she was checking to see if Ashley was looking their way. Dammit, she was. Shepard sighed quietly. They were really going to have to be more careful. Yup, this was _definitely_ why there were regs against fraternization.

"Let's get this crap loaded up and go kill these fuckers."

... ... ...

The last member of the not insubstantial Cerberus defense team crashed against the wall and crumpled to the floor.

Shepard grinned in satisfaction. While she didn't normally _exactly_ take pleasure in wiping out entire squads of living, breathing human beings – though so long as they had been shooting at her first she reserved the right to not _dislike_ it either – Cerberus had righteously pissed her off. Oh, she had been highly annoyed at the other nefarious acts she had caught them engaged in – but murdering an Alliance Admiral was just…insulting. A personal affront.

So she took pleasure in destroying the entirety of their operations in this sector of the galaxy – elite defense squad included.

"Shepard, this computer is the motherload. Admiral Hackett is going to have his hands full investigating all this information."

"Good. You got it all?" At his nod, she finished setting the last charge. "Williams, let's go!"

They ran out of the Cerberus underground headquarters, then turned to watch in satisfaction as it blew to smithereens.

"Hell yeah."

* * *

><p>The Illusive Man finished reviewing the report on the destruction of the Voyager Cluster operations. C<em>ommander Shepard<em>.

He sighed; no one was in his office to see. The Commander was costing him a lot of time and money. He entered some directives on relocating the research that had been conducted in the cluster then pulled up an older file.

Commander Shepard was tracking Saren Arterius. But The Illusive Man already knew where Saren was. More importantly, he knew what Saren had. _A Reaper_.

Eighteen years ago Saren had acquired the location of an alien artifact from the records of Dr. Shu Qian – and then killed him. That artifact, he knew, was actually Sovereign, a warship of tremendous size and power. It also happened to be a member of an ancient race of sentient machines. Machines that sooner or later would be returning from dark space intent on wiping out all advanced civilization.

He leaned back in his chair and pondered matters silently. _So many pieces on the board_. Adversaries and allies, constantly switching back and forth. Plans, research, investments – many of them years in development. He carefully considered his next move.

After a time he pulled up the video of the recent Westerlund News interview with Commander Shepard. She was indeed impressive. A shining example of the best of humanity. She was rapidly becoming a symbol – a person humans and aliens alike looked to both for inspiration and for reassurance that the galaxy was in good hands.

He frowned. Cerberus was supposed to represent humanity's interests, to preserve and encourage the best of what humanity had to offer. He had influence – safely removed by several steps of course – with the great majority of the important players in human affairs on Earth, Arcturus and the Citadel. He guided, manipulated – at times controlled – events, elections, public sentiment.

He looked up at the video of Commander Shepard. Beautiful, spirited, confident. _Larger than life_. He frowned again. He didn't control her. He didn't even influence her.

After a long moment, he reached for the comm and made a call. He had no need to identify himself to the man on the other end. "I understand you have the ability to initiate contact with the Collectors."


	11. Choices, Part 1

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 11**

"**Choices, Part 1"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. Reading it is in no way a requirement for enjoying these chapters - but of course I recommend it for a full understanding of the Shepard brought to life here. This story is generally canonical (though new scenes are added and dialogue modified), but the focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events. So even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note<strong>: I know this chapter sticks fairly closely to the events of the game. I find Virmire one of the most well-done, impactful missions of both games, and simply realized there was very little I didn't want to present in Graceyn Shepard's voice._

* * *

><p>At first glance, Virmire was something of a paradise. Crystal clear waters, sandy beaches, beautiful rock formations. It might even be a reasonable candidate for that mythical upcoming shore leave – if it weren't for the Geth infestation. Of course, after she fixed that problem, it might have real potential. On closer inspection, however, there were vicious lightning storms off-shore, and strange creatures with knife-edged appendages. Oh well, perhaps not.<p>

Whatever was going on here, it was big. There were heavy – and active – AA guns; a quantity of Geth even she hadn't heretofore seen; an entire STG regiment that couldn't fight its way out. She felt a faint tingle at the edges of her consciousness. _This is the one_, it whispered.

Joker came on the comm. "Commander, we've landed. And it seems we're grounded. I'll let the Salarian Captain explain when you get here."

Okay then. Now she was intrigued. Oh, who was she kidding? She had been intrigued from the moment the Mako landed.

... ... ...

"Saren's base of operations."

"Is that so?" _Jackpot. Master Plan A, back in action!_

"Yes, he's using it as a research facility – to breed an army of Krogan."

"What did you say?" Wrex magically appeared from – well, from way the hell over _there_ – at just the right moment. _Excellent_.

... ... ...

Shepard saw the motion. She pulled her gun on him a split-second before he pulled his on her. "Goddammit Wrex, please don't make me shoot you."

"Ha! Don't make me shoot _you_. I like you Shepard, but you've got to give me something to work with. We're talking about the survival of my _people_ here."

"Wrex, think! You're smarter than this. It isn't a cure, it's a weapon – and if Saren's allowed to use it you won't be around to reap the benefits. _No one will_." She stared him down. She didn't blink. Good lord but he was big.

After seconds – minutes? – hours? – he lowered his weapon. "Alright Shepard. I don't like this… but I trust you. You've never led us astray."

She let out a deep breath she didn't know she had been holding and reciprocated. "Thank you Wrex. I won't let you down."

... ... ...

She shook her head and looked at the Salarian skeptically. "Captain, it's a good plan, but your men are going to get slaughtered."

"We're tougher than we look Commander. But it's true, I don't expect many of us to make it out alive. And _that_ makes what I'm about to ask even tougher. I need one of your men to accompany me."

He had lost most of his command structure in the initial infiltration attempt. He was splitting the ragged remains of his men into three teams. Of course he would need all the help he could get. He would need to entrust one of the teams to someone with experience and –

"I volunteer Commander." She glanced at Kaidan with not a small amount of relief. He really was a soldier – an officer – through and through. Before anything else. In the deep recesses of her mind, another tiny bit of resistance silently fell away.

"Not so fast LT, Shepard will need you to arm the nuke – "

"With all due respect Chief, it's the Commander's decision to make – "

Ashley huffed. "Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' what they really mean is 'kiss my ass'?" Behind Shepard's back, Ashley gave Kaidan her middle finger.

Despite getting some measure of amusement at the display before her, Shepard scowled. This was deadly serious business. Though honestly, wasn't it deadly serious business every time they touched down on an alien world? Or, she recalled ruefully, sometimes a not-so-alien world.

Regardless, Ashley was right; she needed Kaidan to arm the nuke. She really shouldn't arm the nuke, and Ashley certainly couldn't arm the nuke. How was it that she had made it through N7 training without being properly trained how to arm a nuke? She needed to file just such a suggestion with Arcturus at the soonest available opportunity. Which was not now.

"I do need the Lieutenant to arm the nuke. God knows you don't want _me_ anywhere near it. Williams, you'll accompany the Captain."

They talked through strategy, drew up battle plans, set communication protocols, gave things code names. Then it was nearly time to go. She walked with Ashley and Kaidan along the shore.

"Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone LT. I know it will be tempting, but _do_ try not to."

Kaidan threw his arm around Ashley's shoulder briefly. "We'll be fine Chief. We always are."

Ashley was uncharacteristically…unsure. "It's just weird, going under someone else's command. These last months, I've really gotten used to working with you guys. I feel more comfortable with you than I ever did with the 212…you guys are practically my family."

Kaidan stopped and looked Ashley in the eye. "Don't _worry_ – we'll see you on the other side."

Shepard stood slightly back and smiled as she watched them, chuckling briefly at the sight of Kaidan telling someone else not to worry. She was proud of how far they'd come. Her team. Her comrades in arms – and shenanigans. Her _friends_. Above all else, her friends.

She reached out and put a hand on each of their shoulders. "Now listen up you two. These Salarians appear to be pretty good. We're better. And we have a galaxy to save. So whatever happens, just. keep. shooting. We go in hard, hit them harder, and we'll be the only damn thing that comes out the other side."

"Yes ma'am."

They headed back to the encampment as the Salarians gathered. Damn, but this Captain Kirrahe could give a motivational speech. The Alliance really needed to hire him for the Academy Commencement address. Every year. God knows he was a damn sight better than that soldier-turned-poet that had spoken at her graduation. She groaned inwardly as _that_ memory reasserted itself unbidden. She returned to the present just as the Captain advised them all to hold the line. Check.

"Garrus, Kaidan – let's go."

_Showtime_.

* * *

><p>"We're studying Sovereign's effect on organic minds."<p>

Saren's base of operations had turned out to be quite impressive indeed. Levels and tunnels and medical labs filled with scanners studying trapped Husks and the mindless remnants of Kirrahe's regiment. Curiously, none of that involved breeding an army of Krogan. Saren was apparently a busy man.

Shepard stared at the Asari before her with a combination of casual ease and lethal threat. "Tell me."

Rana Thanoptis stuttered. "Y-yes ma'am. It's that ship. It emits some kind of signal. Direct exposure to the signal turns you into a mindless slave – but there's collateral damage too. Spend much time near the ship, and you start to hear it…it's like a whisper in the back of your mind."

Shepard frowned in genuine puzzlement. "But why is Saren _studying_ it? Doesn't he control it?"

"The signal comes from the ship. It makes us obey Saren…but I don't think he controls it." She paused. "I think he's afraid it's affecting him too. Indoctrination is subtle. By the time its effect becomes noticeable – it's already too late."

_Sovereign_. The name kind of gave away the game, didn't it?

She cocked her head at the woman and…smiled. A predatory, vicious smile. "I'm going to blow this place to hell and gone. If you want to make it out alive, you'd better start running."

"But – you can't! No! I – ah!" She took off in a sprint, arms flailing.

Kaidan looked at her, a grin slowly pulling at his lips. "You enjoyed that."

She returned the grin in full. "Damn straight I did."

Then she turned and entered Saren's lab.

Oh look. A beacon. _Terrific. Awesome._ She sighed a long, overly-dramatic sigh and approached it.

Kaidan stepped up and touched her arm. "Commander, maybe you don't have to – couldn't you just…leave it?"

"Part of the message is missing, remember? I have to." She looked over her shoulder with a smile. "Don't worry."

She prepared – tried to prepare – for the onslaught. Took the last step.

– Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. _Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._ Screams, words that were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. More planets; more systems; more synthetics. _Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._ Impossibly more devastation, ruin. It would surely never end –

She collapsed to the grate flooring, gasping for breath. She could feel Kaidan approaching, waived him off.

_Commander._ _Leader_. _Example_. _Stand up Shepard_.

She splayed her hands on the floor, willed her legs to move…and stood up. Turned around and flashed her very best impression of a self-assured grin. "That was fun."

Kaidan gave her a wry smile and shook his head. Could he really see through it? Did he think he knew her so well already? _Did he?_

She shook off the beacon and started walking. Miles to go. "We need to – " She stopped. A hologram filled the room. A hologram of Sovereign.

Garrus stared. "This is _not_ good."

Then the hologram spoke.

"You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign."

_All the puzzle pieces snapped into place._

"You aren't just some Reaper ship Saren stumbled upon. You _are_ a Reaper."

"A name the Protheans invented to give voice to their destruction. What they chose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are."

She cocked her head at it, an eyebrow raised. She believed that did annoy it just a touch.

"We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are _nothing_. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

Intimidating words. She didn't flinch. "Inevitable?"

"The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can imagine. Organic life evolves, advances, and at the pinnacle of their achievement, they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel, the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind."

"Why." It wasn't a question, but a demand.

"By using our technology, your society develops along the paths we desire. You exist because we allow it. And you will die, because we demand it. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom."

She tried to be serious, she really did. She had absolutely no doubt that this was a serious as serious got. But…damn, this really old, really massive AI was a pompous, self-important asshole of proportions nearly as big as his…proportions. She figured she could still get under his skin…metal...whatever.

She positively smirked at the hologram. "You're not even _alive_, not really. You're just a _machine_. And machines can be broken."

She couldn't be certain, but she believed the hologram _flinched._ "I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over."

She grinned in satisfaction. _Couldn't take the heat, huh?_

She turned to walk away when Joker broke in. "Uh, Commander? That ship Sovereign – it's moving. I don't know what you did down there, but it's coming your way, and it's coming _hard_."

"Let's go gentleman."

... ... ...

Shepard breathed a sigh of relief as the Normandy banked in for a landing. Kaidan took charge of getting the bomb off the ship and into position. She took a moment to…_pause_. They had made it. Absorbing yet another beacon followed immediately by a game of one-upmanship with _a fucking Reaper_ had been more than a little taxing. She stood back and observed the flurry of activity with a measure of satisfaction.

Her moment of – gloating, she had to be honest – was soon interrupted. "Commander, can you read me?"

"Williams, the nuke is almost ready. Get yourself down here."

"Negative, the Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We'll never make the rendezvous in time."

_Shit._

The nuke was safely off the ship. "Joker, get them out of there, now!"

Ashley broke in – "Negative, it's too hot. We'll hold them off as long as we – "

_Goddamn fucking shit. Hell._

Kaidan's hand rested on her forearm. "It's okay Shepard. I need a couple of minutes to arm the bomb. Go. _Go get her_."

She stared into his eyes for an infinite second and gave a quick nod.

Then she ran.


	12. Choices, Part 2

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 12**

"**Choices, Part 2"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>She ran –<p>

Into a room filled with Geth and Krogan. She threw them all up in a massive _singularity_ – one that single-handedly sapped her biotic energy almost to zero – and kept running.

She knew without looking that Garrus and Wrex stayed behind to shoot anything that needed shooting when it finally landed.

She hit the second floor at a full run. She ran through the hallways and around the corners towards the AA tower as explosions started ringing out. A powerful wave of _déjà vu_ crashed over her; she kept running.

_It wasn't enough._

A Geth dropship buzzed her on the way to the bomb site. _Faster_.

Ashley broke in over the comm, out breath. "Kaidan, look out! There's a Geth ship headed to your location– "

"There's already here – Geth pouring out – "

She pulled to a full stop. "Can you hold them off?" Her voice was calm but insistent.

She could hear him breathing. "No. There's too many…I'm activating the bomb."

_Goddamn fucking shit. Hell._

"Alenko, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm just making sure this bomb goes off no matter what… It's done. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here." His voice was _remarkably_ calm, even. What a soldier. He was incredible.

Ashley broke in, even more out of breath than before. "Screw that!" She gasped. Shepard could hear her gasp. "We can handle ourselves" – gunfire – "go back and get Alenko!" What a soldier. She was incredible.

_But they couldn't handle themselves. She knew it. Too many_.

In the roughly two seconds she had to make the decision, a thousand thoughts passed through her mind in an orderly procession honed by years of real-life-no-shit combat situations.

She was _so close_ to Ashley. Around one more corner, up one more staircase, down one more walkway. She had almost made it. Ashley was her friend; she needed to save her. Wanted with every ounce of her being to save her.

But Ashley was just a soldier. A damn fine soldier – Shepard couldn't ask for better backing her up. But she was just a soldier – and there were lots of soldiers.

Kaidan was a biotic, something still rare and valuable among humans. He was the primary tech for the Normandy. Difficult to replace. He was the superior officer, by several levels. Had a bright future in the Alliance.

More important than all of that combined was one simple fact – he was guarding the bomb. If the Geth killed – _she cringed_ – him they stood a chance of disarming the bomb before it detonated. She couldn't let that happen. No matter what else, she couldn't let that happen. That bomb had to destroy this abomination.

She made her decision without having to reach any more personal considerations. To the only consideration that might have mattered in the end, had she let it.

"I'm sorry Ash. I'm so sorry."

"I understand Commander. I don't regret a thing."

_Oh god._ She would cry. Later.

A horrifying thought suddenly shoved itself to the front of her mind. What if Ashley thought she was saving Kaidan because –

"Ash, I swear –"

"I know Shepard. _I know._ Thank you."

"Now if you'll excuse me" – Ashley grunted with exertion – "I have some _fucking _Geth" – gunfire – "to_ fucking_" – gunfire – "kill!"

_Goodbye friend._

Shepard turned and ran back in the direction she had come.

... ... ...

Into chaos. Geth marched through the water – Saren flew in overhead – the Normandy disappeared beyond her view – Ashley yelled over the comm – was it her last – _oh god was it her last?_ – Kaidan turned towards her and was hit with a massive blast – she gasped and flattened herself against a crate.

Saren hovered triumphantly above the battlefield.

"I can't let you disrupt what I've accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

_Like _hell_ she couldn't._

"You've seen the vision Shepard" – yes, she most certainly had, more than she had ever wanted – "you of all people should understand what the Reapers are capable of. Don't mire yourself in pointless revolt. Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

Was it? Submission at least held the possibility of a future. A chance to – _no_.

"I'd rather die than live under the rule of those machines." She meant it with every fiber of her being.

"If we work _with_ the Reapers, think how many lives can be spared! Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign. Though I was aware of the…dangers." His voice shifted down, almost to a whisper. "I had hoped his facility could protect me."

_Bingo. _She had him.

"Sovereign is manipulating you and you don't even know it. You're _already under its power_."

He railed in indignation. "No, Sovereign needs me!"

Shepard was the very picture of calm, layered above a body exhausted, spent. She stood up, gun aimed, hands steady. "You were a _Spectre_, sworn to defend the galaxy – then you broke that vow to save yourself."

"Don't you see? Sovereign will win, it is inevitable! In doing this, I will save more lives than ever existed!"

She couldn't help but shake her head at his incredible capacity for self-delusion.

"But you would doom your entire civilization. And for that, you must die."

_Okay then._ She charged with everything she had. Battered him, knocked him off his nifty little hoverpad. She ran by Kaidan bleeding on the ground. Didn't pause.

Saren jumped up and rushed her and before she could blink, grabbed her by the throat and pulled her up in the air.

She stilled.

She _reached_, deep inside. She readied – the bomb started ringing its klagon. Two minute warning. Game on the line.

Saren yanked his head in the direction of the bomb – oh, look, there's a _fucking nuclear bomb up your ass_ – she punched him – it seemed the best option at the time – and he dropped her in surprise. Then he ran.

She stared after him for a long millisecond, wanting with all her might to run after him. She was fairly certain she could catch him, exhausted or not.

No time. Two minute warning. Correction – one minute forty –five seconds at most.

_Another time, Saren. Soon._

She turned and grabbed Kaidan by the hand. _Shit, he was hurt. Really hurt_. She had almost no strength left, but she dug deep and found what she had, and picked him up.

_Save him, at least_.

The Normandy swooped in over the horizon. She really owed Joker a drink. Several. Many.

She staggered up the ramp. It took every ounce of her being not to crawl. They flew away. The bomb detonated.

And Ashley died.

* * *

><p>"But why me? Why not her?"<p>

_Why you? _

"I had to choose." She didn't look around the room at the team; she looked at him. _God it hurt_, but she looked at him. "You were guarding the bomb. I chose you."

He was utterly defeated. "But if I'd done my job, you wouldn't have had to make that call."

"You did your job – it wasn't your fault!" She took a slow, deep breath; calmed herself. "It wasn't my fault. The only one to blame is Saren."

He seemed completely lost to her. His voice was flat, dull. "Yes, Commander. I – we'll get it done."

Her heart broke into a thousand pieces. For Ashley – _god, for Ashley_ – for Kaidan – hell, for Captain Kirahhe and the remnants of his Regiment, almost all of whom had lost their lives in making sure the bomb went off.

She hated Saren. _Really_, _really _hated him.

She stood, embraced eternity for the hell of it. Noted Ilos as their destination – hey look, Liara's encyclopedic knowledge of the Protheans paid off in the end. Gave a rote report to the Council – true to form they mocked the idea of the Reapers. She didn't give a damn. She just turned and walked off to her quarters in a fugue.

... ... ...

Shepard tried to sleep. She really did.

She closed her eyes, exhausted, and even drifted off to sleep _– and heard a final yell over a comm and saw a nuclear explosion in all its deadly beauty; saw an ancient machine hover over her and felt Saren's hands on her neck; saw blood and death and felt the ruin of the galaxy_. She jolted awake, sweating, gasping for breath.

She collapsed back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling.

Finally at 2 am she realized she was starving – she had burned one helluva lot of biotic energy today – and made to find food…possibly a buffalo if one was available. The ship was quiet, dark. She went softly around the corner to the mess – and found Kaidan in a corner, slumped against the wall, datapad in hand.

She started to retreat; she wasn't ready for this conversation just yet.

"Don't go."

She stopped, put a casual expression on her face, turned and went to get some tea. "Whatcha reading?"

"I have no idea." He threw the datapad down on the table. "I can't seem to get past the first sentence."

She sat down across from him and sipped her tea.

He propped his elbows up on the table and dropped his head into his hands. "The Geth got the drop on me. I was concentrating on getting the bomb armed – the damn thing wasn't exactly standard factory issue, you know? I wasn't paying enough attention to my surroundings. If I had been, I could have taken cover sooner, I might have been able to hold out longer…."

She shook her head softly. "I should have left more people with you." _Except there were no more people._ "Your job was to get that bomb armed; that's what you did."

He nodded and dropped his head back down; he didn't appear convinced.

She took another sip of her tea. "Did I ever tell you I was a track champion in high school? I mean, not that there was much competition on Mindoir… but even if there had been…"

"I can run. Fast. Really fast."

He chuckled in spite of himself. "I _had_ actually noticed that."

"Today, I ran. With everything I had. I haven't run that fast since – since I was sixteen years old. I threw enemies out of my way left and right, burning every ounce of biotics I had, not even looking back. I left Garrus and Wrex. I was alone, exposed, but I just kept running. If anyone – _anyone in the world_ – could have gotten to her, it was _me_."

She held his gaze. "It wasn't enough."

They sat in silence for a while. Regretting.

"She was your friend. Why – " He stopped a moment. "Why didn't you choose to save her?"

She growled in pent-up frustration. "Kaidan, I could sit here and rattle off a dozen objective, no-shit-Alliance-Approved reasons why you were the right choice – but I'm not going to, because you already know what they are. And on top of all those, you were guarding the bomb. If the Geth had gotten to that bomb, it all would have been for naught. _All of it_. I didn't just decide to choose you; I _had_ to choose you."

He looked at her, but she could see the wheels turning behind his eyes. Finally he let out a long breath. "Okay. You're right. I believe you."

She sat back, relaxing –

"What if the roles had been switched?"

She stopped. Bravely tried to hold his piercing gaze but failed. Turned her head and looked away. Was silent.

"I'm sorry…it wasn't my right to ask you that. I sh– "

"I don't know" she whispered. She finally turned back and found his eyes again. "I don't know."

He just nodded.

Her tea had gotten cold. And she was suddenly tired. So very, very tired.

She reached out and put her hands over his. "Are you okay? The end game is upon us. It's only going to get harder from here – and it all matters _so, so much_. I need – " _What did she need from him? If only she knew._ "– I need to know you're going to be okay."

He smiled a tired, sad smile. "Yes ma'am, I'll –"

"Dammit Kaidan, there's no one here. It's the middle of the night. I swear to god, if you call me _ma'am_ one more time, I _will_ throttle you."

His smile turned slightly less sad and he looked her directly in the eye. "Alright, Graceyn. Yes, I'm okay. Or I will be anyway. I wouldn't miss this fight for all the world."

She nodded and squeezed his hands, then let go and stood up.

"Goodnight Kaidan."

She made it to her quarters and crashed onto her bed.

_Shit – she had forgotten to eat._

She buried her face in the pillow and slammed her fist into the bed.

The first tear fell because she was so goddamn hungry and she _couldn't _go out there again. The rest were for Ashley. For the impossible weight of a galaxy on the precipice.


	13. No Return

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 13**

"**No Return"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Chapter Note: Significantly<em> _less mild Shenko._

* * *

><p>"You did <em>WHAT<em>?" Shepard stared at Ambassador Udina in utter disbelief.

"We've locked out the Normandy's primary systems. You're grounded."

"I – you – are you _insane_!"

"It's time for you to leave Commander Shepard."

It's entirely possible that she was about to take a swing at him – though in retrospect she would never admit to that fact. Regardless, Garrus stepped up and put a gentle but firm hand on her arm.

"Come on Commander, let's get out of here."

She gave Udina one last glare, full of icy hatred, then turned and stormed out of the Council Chamber.

... ... ...

Shepard stood, hands on the Normandy lockers, arms outstretched, head hanging. A hundred scenarios raced through her mind. She thought of every trick she had ever tried – or seen tried – or even read about being tried. Nope, none of those would work. She considered another meeting with the Council or with Alliance Command and whose door would be best to kick down to get those meetings. Gave up in frustration when she realized the Reapers would be ripping the Citadel apart while the bureaucrats either put up new doors to block her or found an opening in the calendar.

_If Ashley died for nothing, if _all_ this was for nothing, if they were all going to die…_

She slammed her open palm into the locker then slid down to the floor.

And found Kaidan looking down at her.

"Shepard – are you okay?" he asked, echoing her question of the night before.

"No. No, I am not okay. Goddammit!" She slammed her hand back into the locker, just to hear the sound reverberate through the room.

He rubbed his jaw with his hand. "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat."

She remembered her not so different thoughts back on Feros. _The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death_. She took a deep breath and calmed herself. She would find a way.

"We lost the battle, not the war. We just need to take a little initiative."

"You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? What am I saying, when don't you? That's what I love– appreciate about you."

She blinked. "What did you say?"

He dropped his chin to his chest – possibly so she couldn't see his eyes. "I said that's what I appreciate about you. Which I do."

She cocked her head and stared – currently at his forehead. "Okay."

After several seconds of silence he seemed to think he was in the clear and raised his head – and found her eyes waiting for him.

She quirked a slight grin to make him feel more at ease, but kept staring. To his tremendous credit, he didn't look away. _What were they doing…_

After what felt like hours but in reality was probably only seconds, he reached out and offered her a hand up. But…she came off the floor with too much speed…or he pulled her up too hard…or an unseen force intervened and pushed her…whatever the cause, in a split second she was in his arms.

The universe shrank down to the two feet encompassing them.

She pulled back – but just enough to be able to look into his eyes.

The universe shrank down to a few inches. She couldn't breathe; there was no air.

She drew towards his lips – Joker came over the speaker – the universe zoomed back out to its normal dimensions with dizzying speed – she stepped back unevenly. As she instinctively looked up at the ceiling speaker, she heard him take a very, very deep breath and turn away.

_Oh my._

* * *

><p>She gave a quick, perfect salute, sat down and leaned forward, hands clasped on the table. "Tell me you have something."<p>

Captain Anderson smiled. "I do."

She leaned back then, grinning broadly. "I _knew_ it. Let's hear it."

"I break into Udina's office, hack his terminal, and lift the lockdown on the Normandy. You high-tail it to Ilos."

She started "You –" Then she stopped, sat up straight. Her voice was quiet but determined. "No. Absolutely not. You'll be court-martialed. You've already given up so much – too much – for me. I'll find another way."

Anderson gave her an affectionate smile. "I appreciate that. And I know you mean it. But there's no time. If Saren uses the Conduit, life as we know it is over. If the Reapers invade...we're not ready. _We. will. lose._" He paused. "No, this is the plan." He gave a quick nod as if to emphasize the point.

She looked at him for a long moment, weighing, judging. Finally she let out a long breath. "This is the plan."

Anderson stood as she did, started to shake her hand, then reached out and hugged her instead. She returned the gesture in kind.

He stepped back and gave her a long look. "I'm sorry Shepard, but it's all up to you. Of course, I guess it always was, wasn't it?"

She smiled a smile that could light the night sky. "It's what I do."

... ... ...

Shepard hovered over Joker's shoulder in the cockpit. They both stared at the unlit, unresponsive controls. Joker drummed his fingers on the panel, playing a tune that existed only in his head.

"So, Commander, what do you think the odds are that the beds in military prison are comfortable?"

"I'll be sure and let you know. Assuming I'm allowed contact with the outside world."

"You don't think I'll be joining you? Which is fine. I'm game. I'm just saying…"

"Nope. Just me." She sighed. "And Anderson. Don't worry Joker, I won't let them get you."

"Whatever we need to do Commander. Whatever it takes."

She smiled at him. "Thank you Joker."

The panel lit up like Christmas.

"Go."

She thought about the Council. They had been so smug, so confident they were in control. Well, she would save their narrow-minded, blind asses anyway. She was the first human Spectre. Humans _fought, _no matter what. And she was the best. Yes, she would save them all, whether they liked it or not.

"We're headed way the hell out to the middle of nowhere Commander. It'll be about eight hours before we're at Ilos."

_I just hope I'm not too late._

She watched the Citadel retreat as the relay grew ever larger. She had always loved the relays – massive, sparkling wonders that no one alive understood. But now she looked upon it with a measure of suspicion and wariness. The relays had enabled Humans, Asari, Turian, Salarian, Krogan and dozens of other species to find one another; to find the stars. They were a miracle. But now she knew the depressing truth – the relays were a tool of the Reapers. They were all beholden to the whim of the Reapers_._

They hit the relay and jumped halfway across the galaxy.

"Joker, open the general comm."

She took a deep breath. "Attention crew of the Normandy. This is Commander Shepard. First, I want to thank you for your exemplary service these last months. This has often been a difficult journey. It is a heavy burden knowing that the future of galactic life is threatened, but you have born it well. You all make me proud."

"As many of you know, our mission on Virmire revealed that the Conduit Saren seeks is on Ilos, an ancient Prothean world through the Mu Relay, deep in the Terminus Systems. You deserve to know – the Council determined that a mission to Ilos was not worth the risk; they have opted merely for a defense barrier at the Citadel."

"Also, at the request of the Council, Alliance Command issued a lockdown order on the Normandy to prevent us from undertaking such a mission on our own."

"I believe a few ships at a relay will not stop Saren and Sovereign when they come for the Citadel. Our best chance for saving our way of life is stopping Saren from ever using the Conduit. Therefore, I made the decision to disobey the lockdown order. We are currently en route to Ilos in a last attempt to stop Saren before he takes an action that will ultimately cost trillions of lives."

"This decision was mine and mine alone. I take full responsibility. Rest assured that I will take every step necessary to ensure that none of you face negative repercussions from my actions. However, any of you who feel the need to express your objections explicitly, please file a statement with Navigator Pressly and he will forward them to Alliance Command on our return. I won't hold it against you in any way."

"For now, we are on a mission to save – _everyone_. It is the most important mission you have ever served on. No matter what happens, you should be proud – of all you have done these last months, and of what you will do this next day."

"Ilos is a remote planet; it will be morning before we arrive. Everyone try to get some sleep; we are all going to need it."

"Thank you all."

* * *

><p>She sat at her desk studying…well, not much of anything. Ilos was through the Mu Relay – and no one of record had been through the Mu Relay. There was of course data on the Protheans, but she'd been studying that for months; in truth there was nothing more she could learn.<p>

So mostly she sat and thought. It had been an unbelievable, whirlwind journey. At times it seemed only days had passed since she stepped aboard the Normandy for the first time. If only she had known, if only she could have seen….

Then what? Would she have done anything differently? She certainly wouldn't have turned away. She could have done better – she wasn't so arrogant as to think she couldn't _always_ do better. Maybe even better enough to save Ashley.

If she had known more at the start, perhaps she could have been fast enough to catch Saren before he left Eden Prime that first day, could have short-circuited all this. She sighed. No, Sovereign would have continued, found another unwitting servant. One she might not see coming.

_Oh hell, what was she doing?_ She wasn't one to second-guess the past. Her past was too crazy – she had learned quickly that down that path led madness.

No matter what had led to this moment, this is where she was. And it was her moment; in a way none had ever been before.

She wondered what the Conduit _was_, what –

The door opened and Kaidan stepped inside. "Commander..."

She stood up and just stared at him for a long moment. During that moment, she realized their encounter at the lockers had crashed through her defenses, her resolve. The galaxy stood on the precipice – and she would gladly fight that battle. She couldn't – wouldn't – fight this one.

Finally, she smiled at him. Taking it as an invitation, he approached her.

He stopped – inches away – slowly returned the smile, and she was lost.

* * *

><p>"...<em>I<em>..._can't_..._any_…_more_…"

"Of course you can…"

– he murmured softly in her ear, "…you're Commander Fucking Shepard…"

– gently, _but not too gently_, bit her earlobe, "…Hero of Elysium…"

– kissed down her neck, "…first human Spectre…"

– _breathed_

– "…you can do _anything."_

_He was right._ A moment later she threw her head back – gasping – for what surely must have been the millionth time that night.

* * *

><p>She slowly woke up.<p>

_Warmth_.

She smiled and snuggled back against him, reveling in the wonder of skin on skin.

_Safe. Strong. Amazing. _

But after a minute she opened her eyes and looked at the clock.

Almost time.

She closed her eyes again, taking one more moment. One more moment to just _feel_.

She brought his hand up to her lips and softly kissed a knuckle. He murmured in his sleep. Then she carefully, quietly disentangled herself from his arms, and arose.

_Time._


	14. Lessons

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 14**

"**Lessons"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>She gently brushed the giant frond away from her face and lined up a shot on the Geth sniper. Sniper on sniper – she chuckled silently. She closed an eye and aimed, started to pull the trigger – and the sniper collapsed.<p>

"Garrus! That was _my_ sniper…"

"Oh...right. Sorry, Commander." He didn't _sound_ sorry.

Kaidan came over the comm. "If the competition is over, I believe that was the last one."

"_Fine_. Head for that…indentation…thingy…that looks vaguely like it could be an elevator."

Ilos was strange, exotic, beautiful. And wild. Mostly wild. Enormous plants and ivy had completely taken over every structure, every path, every wall. Hidden behind the growth, though, were both artificial structures so vast, so high you couldn't see the ceiling, and cramped, winding, labyrinthine tunnels.

It was as if a magical spell was draped over everything – each step seemed to whisper 50,000 years' worth of secrets, of stories, of lives. It was surreal.

She shook her head gently, trying to break the spell. _No time. Got a galaxy to save._

She met them at the – oh awesome, it really _was_ an elevator. Garrus actually looked vaguely embarrassed. She put her hand on his shoulder and looked sideways up at him. "I was only kidding Garrus. Always take the shot. _Never_ wait for me."

He chuckled. "Understood ma'am."

She hit her comm – "Joker, we are secure groundside. Listen, I want you to head back to the Citadel – well, not _all the way_ to the Citadel, you'll be arrested – but _close_ to the Citadel. If we're too late here, they are going to need all the help they can get, especially from the Alliance's most advanced warship…No, we'll be fine, we'll just bunker down in a nice cozy corner somewhere and wait for you to come back and rescue us." After a moment she rolled her eyes. "Joker, this is an order from your Commander. Go."

She let out a deep breath. "Okay guys, we're on our own."

As they rode the elevator down – how the hell did this thing have power anyway? – she stole a glance over at Kaidan. And was practically overwhelmed with the memory of – touches…kisses…raging passion…gentle caresses. _Woah_, _head rush_.

She mostly managed to stifle a giggle, but the little noise she made got his attention. He looked over at her – _winked – _then returned to looking straight ahead.

Oh my god. Did he really just _wink_ at her? Feeling rather more confident now that he had done…well, her, was he? He would _so_ pay for that later – after they saved the galaxy. _If_ they saved the galaxy.

She realized suddenly – she was going to sleep with him again. The astonishing clarity of the thought disturbed her. She really should need to think about it. The whole thing was surely a dangerous, complicated minefield of regs and ranks and assignments and emotions – right? _Then why did it seem so simple?_

The elevator doors opened to a barrage of Geth fire. How in the _hell_ did Saren manage to get so damn many Geth here in a day? She grumbled aloud as she let the biotics fly.

Above the massive room was some sort of communication center. At a touch a hologram flickered to life and a broken, garbled, chilling voice filled the room.

"…_invading fleets… no escape… too late… seek refuge… inside the archives… Reapers… Citadel… overwhelmed… only hope… act of desperation… Conduit… all is lost… cannot be stopped… cannot be stopped…"_

She shivered in spite of herself. Through the electronic filter and through the static bled sheer terror. Desperation.

Kaidan walked up behind her. "I think I got the gate open. _Ma'am_."

She looked over her shoulder, eyes narrowed in threat. _Don't even…_

He grinned.

... ... ...

They drove the Mako down a long, narrow, flooded pathway. On each side the walls went straight up into infinity. All along the walls, oval containers jutted out. She stared at them, one after another after another. They looked almost like…

"Stasis pods?"

Were there really _Protheans_ in those? Were they…alive?

Thoughts on the implications of such a possibility were interrupted by a shimmering wall blocking their path. She was out of the Mako in an instant, gun raised, looking for – there was no cover, only sheer walls filled with dead, or possibly alive, Protheans.

But there was no threat. Only an elevator. An elevator that led to –

_Vigil._

"You are safe here, for the moment. But that is likely to change. Soon, nowhere will be safe."

She watched the flickering, flowing light dance. "I know. Why have you brought me here?"

The electronic voice echoed around the cavern. "You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years. But to do so, you must understand."

"Tell me."

And so Vigil recounted the tragic tale of the fall of the Protheans to the Reapers. The vision from the beacons played along in her head, keeping tune with the tale, scenes finding their home at last.

Shepard sighed in desperate frustration. "What can I do? There must be a way!" _Find a way to survive._

"The Conduit is the key. We were on the cusp of unlocking mass relay technology. Ilos was a top secret research facility. We created a prototype, a small version of a relay that linked to the Citadel."

"But – what good does that do? Before I exposed him, Saren could walk into the Citadel any time he wanted."

"The keepers are controlled by the Citadel. Before each Reaper invasion, a signal was sent, and the keepers opened the Citadel relay to dark space. But our scientists used the Conduit to travel to the Citadel. They altered the signal. This time, when Sovereign sent the signal, the keepers ignored it. For the moment, the Reapers are trapped in dark space."

She nodded, the wheels starting to turn. "Saren has a plan to undo everything you did."

"He will use the Conduit to bypass the Citadel's defenses, then bring Sovereign inside. Sovereign will override the Citadel's control systems and manually open the relay."

"And the cycle of extinction will begin again."

She turned to go. "We have to catch him."

"Wait. I have information that will corrupt the security protocols and temporarily give you control over the Citadel's defense systems."

She nodded to Kaidan and his fingers flew over his omni-tool.

"Saren has not reached the Conduit. No yet. There is still hope – if you hurry."

They ran.

... ... ...

The Mako flew over the ledge, water spraying wildly. Dominating the skyline was the Conduit.

When using a mass relay, a ship never got closer than hundreds of kilometers to the relay and its massive, spinning arms. The field extended out into space and sent a ship on its way long before one could get truly close to it. This relay, however, was _right there_.

The arms spun impossibly fast, throwing shining azure light in all directions. It hummed an insistent vibration she could feel in her bones, in her teeth.

Between her and the Conduit were approximately 8,247 Geth – she had counted.

"Oh, for _fucks_ sake!" She floored it.

They were going to run into it – she swore they were going to smash right into the damn thing – when it _pulled_ the Mako – up – floating – flying – thrown at impossible speed to the stars beyond.


	15. Savior

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 15**

"**Savior"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko.<em>

* * *

><p>Garrus stared ruefully at the wreckage of the Mako, spread out over the Presidium promenade in several more pieces than it should have been. "I don't think I'm going to be able to fix that."<p>

Shepard burst out laughing, doubled over in pain though she was. "No Garrus, I don't expect you will."

The Citadel Conduit twin slowly spun down, the blinding light slowly fading, leaving her blinking away the halos it left behind. The discordant hum in her teeth finally, mercifully receded.

Kaidan massaged his shoulder gingerly. "I told you that statue hummed." She smiled over at him as she carefully tested out weight on her ankle. He returned the smile in full and with a look of…_something_. What was it? She blinked. _Focus on the task at hand, Shepard_… just call it unadulterated affection for now; revisit it later – if a later came. She was fairly certain she wouldn't have any difficulty recalling this particular look at such later, calmer time.

Satisfied that her ankle wasn't going to betray her, she straightened up.

"Who wants to go save all sentient life with me?" Two hands obediently rose. "Let's do this."

A few minutes later the elevator, formerly zipping along with all due speed, suddenly lurched to a violent stop. They were stuck, suspended two-thirds of the way up. She looked up, then down.

"Suit up. We're going outside."

Garrus broke the glass and she stepped through – into nothingness.

She floated for the briefest of moments before her boots clamped down on the…wall, for lack of anything else to call it. She didn't notice. She was frozen in_ awe_.

The arms of the Citadel extended out in every direction. A million lights of civilization twinkled around her, dancing in a rhythm that sang _life_. She could feel it in her skin, in her mind, in her heartbeat. The nebula glowed lavender and blue through the spaces in between, enveloping the Citadel in its warmth. The trillion stars of the galaxy peeked in from beyond.

_Oh Dad, I have done so, so much more than survive. If only you could _see_ me now, standing before all the wonder the galaxy has to show me._

"Um…Commander?" Garrus cleared his throat over the comm.

Kaidan chuckled softly. "The Commander has a weakness for scenic vistas, Garrus."

"Sceni – scenic vistas! Do you two not _see_ this? It's magnificent – incredible – _beautiful…"_ She turned to Kaidan, gesturing out at the marvel beyond.

She could see him smile behind the helmet. He mouthed, silently, "_Yes._" But it seemed he looked only at her.

She took one last, long look at the remarkable view before her, then sighed dramatically. "Okay. Galaxy. Sentient Life. Reapers. Moving on."

Fiery pieces of ship wreckage floated in the air as they climbed – down? up? sideways? – towards the Council Chamber, flinging Geth out into space along the way. Sovereign was _attached_ to the top of the Spire, legs wrapped around it protectively. As mammoth as Sovereign surely was, he was utterly dwarfed by the Citadel arms; a speck of dust in a city. Admittedly, a horrible, lethal terror of a speck of dust.

They fought the whole way – Geth, Krogan, turrets, dropships – it was a never-ending sea of adversaries. With each enemy encountered and disposed of, she became more energized, but also more…_twitchy_. Seconds were ticking by, one after another after another. She hoped it wasn't too late – the Citadel arms hadn't exploded in the fire of a massive Reaper invasion, so she assumed it was not – but it _felt_ too late. She wanted to run. She needed to run. Unfortunately, magnetic boots in zero gravity did not lend themselves to running.

Finally, after what seemed months, years, they reached the hatch that opened to the Council Chamber.

They dropped down into fire. The trees and plants that decorated the Chamber entrance, gathered from a hundred worlds, were ablaze. Flames licked at the walls, stripping off the murals that had covered them. It was a vision of Hell. But further, above the Council meeting area, bright white light streamed in, almost as if rays of sunlight shone down from Heaven.

The fire and the light met at the edge of the walkway, where Heaven and Hell raged a battle. And at the center of the battle stood Saren. At last, she ran.

... ... ...

She threw herself against the staircase as the grenade exploded. Garrus on her left, Kaidan on her right, found some measure of cover.

"I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time Shepard."

She smirked, not caring that he couldn't see it. "Had to wipe out a few hundred of your followers along the way. Sorry if I kept you waiting."

He didn't turn around, kept working at the panel. "In a few minutes Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems. The relay will open. And the Reapers will return."

"Saren, I am coming for that control panel, and you won't be able to stop me."

He turned towards her then. "You survived our encounter on Virmire, but I've changed since then. Improved. Sovereign has…_upgraded_ me."

Holy hell. Her skin crawled. "You let Sovereign _implant_ you? Are you insane!"

"My doubts are gone. I believe in Sovereign completely. I understand that the Reapers need organics. Join us and Sovereign will find a place for you too."

_Oh yes, let's sit at the right hand of the Devil as he slaughters the world…_

"I would rather die than live like that."

"Then you will die. And your companions. Everyone you know and love. Everyone you've ever met. Don't you understand? You will all die! The Reapers cannot be stopped."

He didn't know it of course, but thirteen years ago she had watched all her companions – everyone she knew and loved – everyone she'd ever met – die.

_She had lived._

She stood up, gun aimed, hands steady. "I can _stop_ it from taking control of the station. Step aside, and the invasion never happens." She began approaching him, step by slow, careful step.

He waved his arms about. "You saw the visions, you saw what happened to the Protheans. The Reapers are too powerful!"

Another step. Calm. Even. Focused. "Some part of you must still realize this is wrong. You can _fight_ this."

He blinked, and for a moment looked remarkably like Matriarch Benezia had in the moments before her death. "Maybe you're right…maybe there is still a chance for…" He clutched his head and doubled over. "The implants…too strong…too late…"

She planted her feet solid. "It's not over yet. You can still redeem yourself."

He calmed; a look of peace came over his face. She had never seen this Saren. "Goodbye Shepard. Thank you."

He blew his brains out and crashed through the glass to the garden below.

She smiled. That worked too. She imagined the smart-ass comment Ashley would have made – "_We traveled halfway around the galaxy, to every shithole, third world, backwater planet in charted space, just to shoot that son of a bitch, and in the end he does it himself. Dammit!…who should I shoot now, Commander?"_ – and laughed as if it had been spoken aloud by her friend.

But then she remembered. _Sovereign_. Not done just yet.

She opened the holographic control panel and fed it Vigil's data file. The Chamber immediately filled with the sounds of battle. A distress call rang out from the Destiny Ascension. "…40 percent…Council aboard…failing…"

"Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that's you Commander."

She grinned. "You were expecting someone else, Joker?"

"No _ma'am_. We caught that distress call. I'm sitting here at the relay with the entire Arcturus fleet. Open the relays and we can save her."

She took a second – maybe two – to think. She really didn't like the Council. She appreciated them for naming her a Spectre and all, but really, truly, didn't like them. They were smug, arrogant, condescending, narrow-minded, consumed with political maneuvers. She listened to the battle rage outside. She didn't know for certain how many Geth ships were out there. The Alliance fleet would probably be able to buy enough time for the Destiny Ascension to escape, but there would be casualties. A lot of casualties. And then there would be Sovereign.

She had ordered men to their death before, with full knowledge that she was doing so. But never when there was any other choice…and never so many.

She looked out at the Citadel arms surrounding the Spire. So much life. A galaxy's representation of life. The Council held it all together. It stood as a symbol – a sign – to the trillions of people from hundreds of races, thousands of worlds, that it was okay for them to live in peace; to work together, or at least not apart. If the Council died, the galaxy may be saved, but the glue holding it together may fail. And that was the truth at the core of it all.

"Opening the relays now Joker. We need to save the Ascension, no matter what the cost."

In a few seconds Admiral Hackett's voice joined the cacophony, directing the Alliance fleet. Oh how she wished she could see the battle; it was surely a sight to behold.

"Destiny Ascension, you are all clear; repeat, you are all clear." She let go the breath she had been holding. "The Citadel is opening – move in, concentrate on Sovereign!"

Her wish was granted, and the arms expanded outward to reveal a sky in chaos.

After a moment she tore her eyes downward to the body below her. "Make sure he's dead."

Garrus and Kaidan wound their way down to the garden below. Garrus walked straight up to Saren and shot him in the head.

Okay then.

She started to consider relaxing – sure, Sovereign was still attached to the Spire, but the galactic fleet could handle that much better than she – when the floor under her feet _moved_. Everything was moving – the room shook, glass shattered – the floor cracked then disappeared.

She crashed to the ground below – hey, at least it was grass. A silver lining in every fall, that was her motto…okay, not really. The ankle she had banged up in their slingshot across the galaxy throbbed in agony – and was immediately forgotten in the face of what appeared before her.

The remnants of Saren glowed red in an intricate weaving of wires, implants, cybernetics. It was a _monster_. In a strange moment of pity, she found herself glad Saren could not see what he had become. For all the evil he had wrought, he had been but a pawn in a game of chess played by the masters.

The monster stretched to its full height and _roared_. "I am Sovereign, and this station is MINE!"

_No, no it most certainly was NOT his fucking station…_

She struck out at him. They all did. It jumped, and flailed about, and threw out biotics, and roared some more. The battle raged in the ruined garden. In the end, they were better.

And so in the culmination of the hundred events of her life that led to this moment, she saved the world. All the worlds. The monster fell. The briefest of moments later, Sovereign fell.

_They had won._

She laughed in delight, in joy. She was alive – so very, _very_ alive.

She turned around to find Kaidan behind her and moved to grab him and kiss him – Garrus surely wouldn't mind, just this once – when the remaining glass shattered and pieces of Sovereign came flying towards them.

"GO!"

She ran – but there was nowhere to run to. Impossibly large pieces of an impossibly large enemy crashed down upon them.

... ... ...

She slowly opened one eye. Ugh. That hurt.

She took a moment to determine what hurt the most. Her ankle…no, her arm. Definitely her arm. That was a break if she'd ever seen one – which she had. She set about the task of removing the Reaper on top of her with her one good arm. Eventually, she succeeded.

She climbed over the wreckage, scanning for – _there_. They were okay. And Anderson was there too. She grinned.

_I found a way to survive Dad. To live. _

_One more time, I found a way._

* * *

><p>She stood respectfully at Anderson's side in front of the Council, dress blues pressed, shoes and buttons shined to a gleam, unruly hair mostly tamed into a tight ponytail. It had grown quite a bit during her journey; there was no time for haircuts when saving the galaxy. She should probably see to that – later. Ceremony. Accolades. <em>Focus<em>.

"We have gathered here to recognize the enormous contributions of the Alliance forces in the war against Sovereign and the Geth. Many humans lost their lives in the battle – brave and courageous soldiers who willingly gave their lives so that we may live. The Council also owes you a great personal debt Commander. Your actions saved the lives of trillions from Sovereign and the Reapers."

"Humanity has shown it is ready to stand as a protector and defender of the galaxy. We are prepared to offer humanity a seat on this Council."

Off to her right, Udina preened. "On behalf of humanity, we thank you and humbly accept." She rolled her eyes.

The Asari Councilor turned to her. "Commander, given all that has happened, I am sure your recommendation will carry a great deal of weight. Do you support any particular candidate?"

She grinned. They was going to be _so_ much fun.

"We need someone with the courage to stand up for what he believes in." She glanced to her left, mischief dancing in her eyes. "Someone like Captain Anderson." He glared at her, eyes narrowed, and muttered under this breath. "I will get you for this..." She laughed.

Udina, however, did not laugh. He sputtered. "HIM? You must be joking! Anderson prefers his fists to do the talking!"

"Only with you, Ambassador. Only with you."

Udina was unfazed. "Are you _sure_ about this Commander? The Captain is a _soldier_, not a politician." He spat the word _soldier_ as if it were an epithet.

She turned to Udina in annoyance. Enough was enough. "I'm not picking you! Get over yourself already and save us the torture of listening to you beg."

Behind her, Anderson tried valiantly – but ultimately unsuccessfully – to choke back uproarious laughter.

Her work here done, Commander Graceyn Shepard turned and strode away wearing a smile that could light the night sky.


	16. Interlude

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 16 **

"**Interlude"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. Also, mild Shenko -<strong> except for this chapter, which is all Shenko, all the time<strong>.  
><em>

* * *

><p>The chilly morning breeze came in off the ocean and blew at the wisps of hair that had escaped her ponytail. Shepard ran along the beach, tempting the water to reach her with every wave.<p>

The three weeks following the attack on the Citadel had been nothing less than insane. There had been debriefings with the Council, followed by debriefings with the Alliance. She and Anderson had received an Official Stern Look for the "lockdown incident." They had almost immediately thereafter been awarded medals for valor for everything that came after and because of that incident.

There had been a mountain of crew commendations and recommendations for promotions for her to write, all of them deserved. There had been a series of memorial services honoring those that had died aboard the ships destroyed in the battle. Those were followed by memorial services for the inhabitants of the Citadel that had been killed when Sovereign exploded.

Mourning appropriately completed, there were parties. Good lord were there parties. There was a friggin parade; a concert; four cocktail parties. There was a huge fancy ceremony inducting Anderson to the Council, followed by another party – _and what a party it was_. She chuckled remembering the shenanigans that had ensued. And there was of course round-the-clock cleanup of the incredible mess the battle had made.

Then at long last, there was shore leave.

She turned in a wide arc to head back to the house. She had warned Kaidan that when she went running, she meant it. But still...she should turn around, lest she run forever. With every step, a tiny bit of the weight of the world fell away.

The weight had started out rather heavy; she had some steps still to go.

They were at his parents' retirement home outside Vancouver. His parents, however, had absconded off to an undisclosed location. They had spent most of the first day asleep – there were after all months' worth of sleep to make up. They had also spent the second day...inside. Mostly in the bedroom. Not entirely though, she recalled with a mischievous grin. _Probably best to not tell his parents about that._ But this morning she had awoken bright and early, refreshed, and with a powerful itch to get outside, in this beautiful, peaceful place.

She had spent precious little time at the ocean in her life but had already decided that was something she would rectify going forward. The ocean exerted a powerful force over her. It was at once both magnificent and calming. It stretched out from her feet to infinity, an entire world to its own. When she stuck her feet in, the water swirled around her toes like an old friend, playful, teasing. It was much too cold to go swimming, of course. That was a shame – she would very much have enjoyed losing herself in the waters.

She looked out upon it in wonder, in awe, in joy. _In peace._

* * *

><p>She jogged up the steps and through the screen door and was greeted by the aroma of...bacon? Oh my god.<p>

She snuck up behind Kaidan at the stove and slipped her arms around his waist. "You. are. my. hero."

He turned and smiled. "I aim to please, ma' – " She cut him off with a kiss before he could get himself into trouble.

After a minute he smiled against her lips. "The bacon's going to burn…"

"We can't have that." She pulled away and went to sit at the table, impatiently awaiting presentation of her breakfast.

"How was your run?" He asked as he set down a plateful of bacon, eggs and buttered toast before her.

"Glorious…though this may be better." She dug in immediately.

"Oh my god, this is _delicious_, Kaidan…" She gleefully munched on a slice of bacon while grinning across the table at him. "When did you learn to _do_ this?"

"I kind of picked it up while I was…in between Brain Camp and when I enlisted."

She smiled at him over her bacon. The only period in his life he still wasn't ready to share with her.

"Found I enjoyed it, so I've tried to keep it up whenever I get the opportunity."

She closed her eyes in bliss at the first bite of eggs. "This actually makes me wish I could cook."

He cocked his head at her. "You don't cook?"

"Nope."

"At all?"

"Well, I can build a little campfire and do that survival stuff…so, nope. Not at all."

"At all?"

She chuckled. "My parents were farmers – it was kind of a retirement gig for them – so they were basically 'at home' to cook meals. I mean, my Mom showed me how to turn on the oven, and how to heat up food in an emergency, but not much more than that. I was more interested in other things anyway." She stopped to take another bite.

"After…well, I've always been at a place where either they made the food for you or it came in shrink-wrapped packages. Boarding school, the Academy, Special Forces training, then a hundred different assignments – ships, military bases, out in the wild. I've never really had the need, or the opportunity, to cook for myself." She quit talking to start on the toast.

"What about when you go home?"

She held up a finger for a moment. Her mother had taught her manners. A few. "I don't have a home."

He put his fork down and looked at her curiously. "You mean you have an apartment somewhere that you hardly ever get to."

"Nope, don't have one of those. I have a little storage unit on Arcturus where I keep some things – the few mementos that survived Mindoir, some trinkets I've picked up over the years, medals and such…" She cringed. "My Star of Terra is in there – for Elysium – I should probably get that at least and put it in my Normandy quarters…"

He seemed baffled. "But…where do you go when you have shore leave?"

She grinned. "Someplace beautiful. Occasionally, someplace interesting. Every now and then, someplace crazy."

He frowned. "But…it's kind of tragic that you don't have anywhere to call home."

_He was so sweet._ She reached over the table and grasped his hand. _"I don't mind._ Really. My home is…out there…the entire galaxy." She smiled and waved her hand towards the windows in a dramatic gesture before returning to another bite of eggs.

"Kaidan this really is wonderful…someday you'll have to teach me how to cook."

He cocked his head and looked at her in a way that quickly made her realize that statement might be a little more loaded than she had intended, might convey a level of…stability…permanence…to their relationship that she – she looked into the chocolate brown eyes that were threatening to pierce her soul – _really might mean_.

Deep inside, a hidden part of her heart that had heretofore remained untouched silently fluttered awake.

For the moment he didn't pursue the unspoken question. He just smiled gently.

"I'd like that."

* * *

><p>She was stretched out on the porch's couch, head in his lap. She watched the gorgeous sunset and sipped a delicious glass of wine while he read aloud the newest feature article on her to hit the extranet. It had been a wonderful, <em>perfect<em> day. It would surely be a wonderful, perfect evening. And night.

He idly ran his free hand through her hair. She purred in…contentment? Yep, contentment. _I'll be damned. _Who'd have thought such a thing was even possible.

"If you passed her on the street, Commander Graceyn Shepard would not cut an imposing figure. But standing up on the stage as Admiral Hackett told her story, she was every inch the Savior of the Citadel."

She giggled in delight. "I'm – " Both their comms buzzed on the table inside. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously and she got up to retrieve them. They contained matching messages ordering them to report back to the Citadel for immediate re-deployment. She was on the comm to Anderson in less than 30 seconds.

"What the _hell_ does this mean, "immediate redeployment"? Shore leave was supposed to be two weeks. It's been FOUR DAYS!"

"I know Shepard. I'm sorry. But the Amada System in the Omega Nebula has come under systematic attack by the Geth. No one knows more about fighting Geth than you do; we've sent an emergency team but we need you to get out there."

She sighed. "Are you _sure_?"

"I really am sorry Shepard. I'll owe you one."

"I thought you already did." She closed her eyes and let out a long breath. "Okay."

She stepped back out and leaned against the door frame.

"Our favorite full-metal friends didn't get the memo that the good guys won. They're attacking colonies in Amada. We're being sent in to stop them."

Kaidan groaned and covered his face with his hands. "No, no, no. Absolutely not."

"I'm afraid so. Apparently we are only people in the entirety of the galaxy that can kill AIs."

He stood up and slowly paced along the edge of the porch. Waves crashed in their chaotic rhythm behind him.

"What are we going to do Shepard? About...us, I mean? I know you're a superstar right now, but the regs against fraternization don't come with an asterisk that reads 'Unless you're a genuine hero, in which case don't worry about it.'"

She sighed. Kaidan was mostly wonderful, but he could be such a damn _worrier_. She'd never met a problem that got solved by _worrying_ _at it_.

She crossed her arms over her chest and kept her face neutral. "What do you want to do?"

He stopped pacing and stared at her, she thought perhaps all the way through to her soul this time.

"I want to be with you."

Her breath caught in her throat. _God help her if she was falling for this man._ She dropped her head to her chest for a second before looking back up at him with a brilliant smile. "Then we'll figure it out. Don't worry."

When she smiled at him like that he could believe anything was possible. He let out a deep breath. "Okay."

He moved to go inside. "I guess we should go get packed and head out."

She watched the last of the sun drop below the horizon and the waters turn inky black. "Oh, I think the morning will be just fine. It won't be the first time the Normandy has waited on me."

He stopped in the doorway, she imagined formulating some _worried_ response. Instead though, he turned and in a rapid motion, pinned her against the door frame, a mischievous look on his face, lips inches from hers.

"I agree."

_Oh my._


	17. Life, Interrupted

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 17 **

"**Life, Interrupted"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained. <em>

* * *

><p>Shepard rolled over and threw an arm into Kaidan's face.<p>

"Ow."

She opened one eye, stretched up and kissed him. "Sorry."

He smiled sleepily. "You're forgiven." He paused and looked over at her affectionately. "Of course, you're always forgiven."

She scrunched up her face at him. "Isn't it a little early in the morning to be saying such things? I haven't even gotten started with my day yet – lots of time left to prove you wrong."

He chuckled lightly. "Never. So, what do you want to do today?"

She pretended to consider the question. "Well, I guess we could kill some Geth. Toss some Geth into the sky. Map their traversal patterns in the dirt and play Geth Bingo on it. Snack on some energy bars. Kill some more Geth."

She grumbled. "Of course, we have to _find_ some first."

"Have faith." He leaned over and kissed her again, longer and deeper. After a moment she pulled away, albeit reluctantly.

"You _have_ to stop that. If you aren't out of here in the next – " she glanced at the clock – "fifteen minutes, you'll be too paranoid someone will see you leave and you'll be stuck in here all day. I'll have to pretend to organize a search party."

He sighed and sunk back into the pillow. "Do you think anyone knows?"

"Well, Joker knows, and he does have a big mouth – but I threatened to break both his legs if he told anyone. I was _very_ convincing. Garrus knows, but he's safely back at the Citadel fighting injustice. Anyone else? I honestly don't know." She kissed him softly. "But you're stalling. Shower. Go. Now."

He crawled out of the bed and wandered towards the shower. He got halfway before stopping and turning back to her, an eyebrow raised.

"Come with?"

Her eyes narrowed and she looked at him suspiciously. "But that will defeat the purpose."

"Not if we do things in the right order."

She couldn't help but grin and roll her eyes in mock exasperation. "Okay."

... ... ...

The ship shuddered violently and sparks flew from the panels around them.

She activated the official "We're Fucked – Abandon Ship!" siren while Kaidan continued to try in vain to put out the closest fire.

"I need to you get the crew into the evac pods while I get Joker."

He didn't turn from the fire. "They're big boys and girls, they can get themselves in the pods. I'll help you with Joker, and we'll leave together."

"There will be injured – they'll _need_ your help."

He threw the fire extinguisher to the side, finally admitting it was useless, and turned to her.

"Shepard – "

"Kaidan, go. _Now_."

He stared at her for an infinite second, as if trying to convey a thousand feelings, emotions, through his helmet and hers, to eyes he could barely see, before letting out a long breath and nodding.

"Aye, aye." He turned and disappeared into the chaos.

It was the easiest order she had ever given. She knew he wanted to stay with her, but at the beginning and the end of the day they were both marines, and they did their duty. Besides, this way he would almost certainly live – and she really wanted to him to live.

Satisfied she no longer needed to worry about him, she turned her attention to worrying about Joker. Stubborn, infuriating Joker, determined to save his baby. She turned and ran up the stairs, on fire though they were – and stepped out into space.

The magnets in her boots pulled her feet back down to the floor. She looked up in disbelief. The entire middle section of the Normandy's roof was sheared off. Holy shit they _were_ fucked.

Alchera loomed large above her. The silence was deafening. But she had no time to stare in awe, nor in horror. She pushed forward to the cockpit. Agonizingly slowly.

Joker's hands were frantically flying over the controls. "I can save her Commander!"

"The Normandy's _lost_ Joker. Trust me on this one. We have to go."

His hands dropped from the controls in resignation. "Okay. Help me up."

She managed to get a recalcitrant Joker in the escape pod and was ready to step in herself. It was _right there_. She moved forward.

The attacker sent a powerful beam through the ship. She was thrown backwards, spinning. She was too far from the pod, couldn't seem to move in that direction. As the ship broke apart, she reached out and hit the outer eject button with her fingertip. Her momentum continued carrying her out. Away. Space.

It had all happened in a split second. Her ship disintegrated in front of her eyes.

Gone. All gone.

She floated weightlessly, staring at the scattered pieces of her ship aflame with odd fascination. Then a puff of gas dispersed as it passed by her. Oxygen? She was venting oxygen…

Her throat became tight. She fought against the inevitable, as she did with all such things, sure she would find a way to fix it. Her arms grasped for the back of her helmet, trying to reach the leak, as her body began to insist that she panic.

…_"But Graceyn, can you at least admit that Anna went through a number of very difficult and challenging experiences in her life?" Shepard frowned, eyes narrowed. "Doesn't everyone? That's no excuse for –"…_

…_"Dad, I love you like pancakes, but I'm getting the hell outta here!"…_

– she tried desperately to control her breathing – what there was of it – and concentrate through the growing fog in her mind –

…_"Couldn't have slacked off just a bit this one time and not made the rest of us look so bad?" She volunteered her middle finger over her shoulder without turning around. "It's what I do, Walinsky. It's what I do"…_

…_She opened the envelope, read for a moment, and failed at suppressing a smile. "Special Forces?"…_

…_"Um…who are you…ma'am?" Sergeant Bradley asked hesitantly. "Lieutenant Shepard." She sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "On shore leave…_"…

– for a second she reached the O2 leak – she tried to pinch it – and it slipped away –

…_"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you – I mean us – humans – ma'am"…_

…_She quit trying to go around him. "Do you _want_ to be reassigned?" He stared at her. "God no. But let me _help_ you." She closed her eyes for a moment. "Okay." He called out after her. "I promise I'll try not to distract you"…_

…"_My father's the reason I am who I am." "Then I very much would have liked to have known him. To create such a remarkable woman – and send her my way"…_

– she wanted to scream in frustration – in desperation – but there was no air to scream –

…_"I'm sorry Ash. I'm so sorry." "I understand Commander. I don't regret a thing"…_

…_"You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? What am I saying, when don't you? That's what I love– appreciate about you"…_

…_"I'm sorry Shepard, but it's all up to you. Of course, I guess it always was, wasn't it?" She smiled a smile that could light the night sky. "It's what I do"…_

– she wrenched around ineffectually and found herself facing the stars as she fell towards the planet – it was _so_ beautiful – all the stars of the universe twinkling at her, welcoming her –

…_"But…it's kind of tragic that you don't have anywhere to call home." She reached over the table and grasped his hand. "I don't mind. Really. My home is…out there…the entire galaxy"…_

– her vision began to blur and grow hazy at the edges – she gasped in the tiniest bit of oxygen –

…_She crossed her arms over her chest and kept her face neutral. "What do you want to do?" He stopped pacing and stared at her, she thought perhaps all the way through to her soul this time..._

…_"I want to be with you"…_

– she made one last desperate attempt to reach the O2 line – but it didn't matter, the tank was empty – she gasped again – but there was nothing –

– I'm so sorry, Kaidan –

…_I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive…_

But I _can't_, Dad…there's no air…

…_Live…_

I can't –

* * *

><p><em>There was no air<em> – she couldn't breathe – she couldn't –

She awoke with a gasp.

_Alive?_

She blinked a few times. There was air. But she wasn't where she had left herself.

_Kaidan_ – he would be worried, anxious – he would be nearby –

She lifted her head – _Owwww_ – and looked around the room. It was deserted.

Where the _hell_ was she?


	18. Through A Glass, Darkly

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 18 **

"**Through A Glass, Darkly"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Zero days since Resurrection <strong>__** || 3 months, 5 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

– she made one last desperate attempt to reach the O2 line – but it didn't matter, the tank was empty – she gasped again – but there was nothing –

– I'm so sorry, Kaidan –

…_I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive…_

But I _can't_, Dad…there's no air…

…_Live…_

I can't –

* * *

><p><em>There was no air<em> – she couldn't breathe – she couldn't –

She awoke with a gasp.

_Alive?_

She blinked a few times. There was air. But she wasn't where she had left herself.

_Kaidan_ – he would be worried, anxious – he would be nearby –

She lifted her head – _Owwww_ – and looked around the room. It was deserted.

_Where the hell was she?_

A female voice with a vaguely Australian accent came over a speaker. "Wake up Commander. Shepard, do you hear me? You need to get up. This facility is under attack. Your scars aren't fully healed, but I need you to get moving."

Scars? What?

"Commander, you need to move! There are mechs advancing on your position. You need to get to the shuttle bay on the – "

She stumbled off the bed. Every inch of her body hurt. She looked around in puzzlement. This didn't look like an Alliance medical facility; the styling was all wrong. Too sleek. Too shiny. Too…yellow.

Where the _hell_ was she?

The all-too-familiar sound of mechs and heavy weaponry broke through the fog in her mind. In a flash her instincts, both natural and honed over years of experience, kicked back in and took control.

No matter. Later.

She ran.

... ... ...

"_Two Years?_"

Shepard shook her head roughly then frowned. "But...I...I closed my eyes and I woke up. How could it have been two years?"

The earnest and muscular young man who had identified himself as Jacob Taylor answered with a non-answer. "Two years and 12 days to be precise."

My god...she felt dizzy, as if the world had just been revealed to be upside down, when all along she had thought it was right-side up.

A horrifying thought came to her. _"What am I?"_

"As far as I know, you're you. I don't think you're a clone or anything. All along, the point of the project was to bring _you_ back – exactly as you were. If I heard Miranda say that once I heard it a hundred times."

He paused a moment. "And – I saw how you came in, how you looked for a long time. It wasn't pretty, but it could only have been the _you_ that got spaced at Alchera."

Okay then. She certainly _felt_ like herself; remembered her entire life in a way that no one could duplicate; knew who, what, why – if not where or when – she was. Though her body was...not quite right. She could only assume she was part cyborg now.

_Okay then._

She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, lifted her chin, and gave him a half-smile.

"Let's go."

* * *

><p><em>Cerberus<em>.

The word conjured up images of grotesque experiments – innocent colonists turned to mindless Husks – Admiral Kahoku lying dead amidst Creeper entrails – hundreds of mindless Rachni pouring out of holes in the ground – one devastated Marine driven mad by the loss of his entire squad for the sake of research. It also conjured up the _kick-ass _memory of a magnificent explosion as their base of operations in the Voyager cluster went boom.

_Yet they had saved her._ Spent billions and years to bring her back to life. Why? To what purpose? Not that it really mattered in the end. She was _alive_, and she would do as she would.

She cocked her head at the holographic image of "The Illusive Man" – oh my god how lame was that moniker – and smirked, a combination of casual ease and lethal threat. "Is this a volunteer job, or am I _being volunteered_?"

"You always have a choice Shepard. If you don't find the evidence you need, we can part ways. But first, go to Freedom's Progress and see for yourself. I brought you back Shepard; it's up to you to take it the rest of the way."

Despite his platitudes, she could hear the subtle insinuation in his statement. _I brought you back Shepard. I spent billions and years on you Shepard. I own you Shepard._ She suppressed the urge to laugh at him. She was certain he was a dangerous, powerful man. An adversary to be handled with care, no doubt. But no one had ever owned her. She had forever escaped that fate when she was sixteen years old through nothing but her instincts and a stubborn determination to live. No one would _ever_ own her. He would discover that fact…well, whenever he happened upon it. Besides, so long as he was unclear on the matter she had an advantage over him.

She turned and strode out of the communications room.

... ... ...

Shepard absently studied her temporary comrades-in-arms during the shuttle ride to the colony. Jacob seemed for all the world to be a sincere, good-hearted soldier just trying to do the right thing but lacking a compass to point him in the right direction. How else would such a man end up working for Cerberus? For now, it was enough that she was fairly certain he had no inclination to shoot her in the back when she wasn't looking.

Miranda also seemed unlikely to shoot her in the back, though for different reasons. Shepard's first, instinctual reaction to her was simply…_bitch_. Childish and immature, perhaps, but there it was. Intellectually, she knew without a doubt that there was much, much more to this woman. Anyone who oversaw the two-year long _resurrection_ of a human being and could at the very least hold her own in a firefight was surely brilliant, skilled, and complex. Still…_bitch_. She inspected Miranda out of the corner of her eye. _"The Bitch."_ It would suffice for now.

The moment she stepped off the shuttle onto Freedom's Progress she felt a chill run down her spine. The colony was a tomb – only there were no bodies. It was as if everyone had just stopped in the middle of whatever they were doing and…vanished.

They had, however, left the mechs in working order. She was happy to note that Jacob and The Bitch were more than competent in combat, as she was having a little difficulty shutting her brain up and focusing on the task at hand, which would be taking down mechs.

The adrenaline that had inexorably rushed through her veins as combat began had also triggered a flood of recollections, so vivid she was having difficulty separating the reality of mechs shooting at her from the memory of her…death.

In her head, the attack on the Normandy had _just happened_. She could still feel the intensity of running through a ship on fire; the shock at tumbling through space; the brief moment of wonder and awe at the enormity of the galaxy surrounding her – and the planet rushing towards her – before she realized she was venting oxygen; the seemingly endless panic and pain of slow asphyxiation. She shuddered and ducked into cover, trying desperately not to hyperventilate. Her vision swam.

In the corner of her brain that wasn't paralyzed by the act of trying to breathe when there was plenty of air, she realized The Bitch had yelled over the comm –

"Commander! We need you up here!"

She shook her head roughly and rubbed her hand over her face.

_Focus. Now is not the time to relive your death. You're _alive_ – make sure and stay that way._

No matter. Later.

She leaned around her cover, quickly surveyed the situation, then stood up and _threw_ the mobile turrets that had Miranda and Jacob pinned down into the opposite wall.

"On my way."

The Bitch glanced over at her as she ejected a spent thermal clip. "Everything okay, Commander?"

Shepard gave her a curt but definite nod. "Sure is."

They walked into a structure and came face to face with – _Tali? _ Holy small world…

If she could see Tali's face, she was sure it would be displaying shock, eyes wide and mouth agape. "Shepard? Is that – you're _alive_?"

She grinned broadly. "It would seem I am. It's good to see you." She cocked her head a bit. "But...I've just _got_ to ask…why am I seeing you _here_?"

Tali stared at her a moment longer then snapped out of the shock. "We're here looking for a young Quarian named Veetor. He was here on his Pilgrimage."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, he liked the idea of helping struggling colonies; he was…nervous…around crowds."

The other Quarian with Tali seemed to smirk. "She means unstable. And now he's freaked out, hid himself in a warehouse, and programmed the mechs to attack anything that moves."

Shepard nodded. "He'll know what happened here. We'll help you get to him, okay?"

Tali's companion started protesting, but she smacked him down hard. "You're working for me. If you can't follow orders, you can go wait on the ship."

Shepard was floored, and for the first time since waking up on a Cerberus lab table felt a bit displaced in time. This was not the gregarious but goofy and earnest young girl she knew. How had two years honed her into a leader? What must she have experienced while Shepard slept?

"We'll meet you on the other side Tali. Let's go."

"Will do. Whatever happens…it's good to have you back Shepard."

_I daresay it's good to be back._

_... ... ...  
><em>

She stared at the wall of video of strange insect-like aliens carting off colonist in cocoons. It was creepy. And disturbing. And _creepy_.

Veetor was babbling about swarms. "It's how they find you. Machines like tiny clouds – they find you, they sting you, they freeze you. The monsters took the people onto the ship and left. But they'll be back for me. No one escapes."

Poor guy. As he continued rambling she idly wondered how much was before-crazy and how much was after-crazy. Then Tali showed up and argued with The Bitch for a few minutes. Shepard sighed.

"Miranda, this kid is injured and in need of medical care – he's going to the Flotilla. We'll get a copy of his data, don't worry." She rolled her eyes then turned to Tali.

"Want to come with me?"

"I'm sorry Shepard…I can't. I have a mission of my own; it's too important to abandon – even for you."

Shepard reached out and hugged her old friend. "I understand. Be safe Tali."

* * *

><p>She found herself arching an eyebrow at the Illusive Man yet again. "You're holding out on me. How do you know the Reapers are involved?"<p>

"The patterns are there, hidden in the data. And I've made a sizable fortune out of finding patterns hidden in the chaos of data. The Council and the Alliance want to believe the Reaper threat died with Sovereign. You and I know they are wrong. I won't wait until the Reapers are on the march. We need to take the fight to them."

In truth, Shepard didn't _know_ much of anything at this particular moment. And in the absence of knowledge, she was sorely tempted to call him crazy and blow him off, go hitch a ride to the Citadel or Arcturus, and try to pick up her old life where she had left it.

Except…Freedom's Progress had been disturbing; the video of the Collectors even more so. They had abducted the _entire colony_; frozen them and hauled them off to – where? Worse, they had apparently already done this to hundreds of thousands of people. The implications were staggering. As much as she hated to admit it, the Illusive Man seemed to be onto something. So she made the calculated decision to play along for now.

The Illusive Man was pleased – _go ahead and smile all you like you asshole_ – and then he sunk the hook. Goddammit.

... ... ...

She stared at the impossibly shiny, nearly impossibly beautiful SR-2. It was slick, to be sure. But what was with all the yellow? Cerberus trying to pretend they were an official organization or something? The logos everywhere were ridiculous. Bad enough that she had to wake up in a room full of them – now she had to fly around the galaxy sporting them too?

Nonetheless, on the whole the ship was _most_ impressive.

She glanced over at Joker. Two old friends appearing in the first day – maybe being gone for two years wasn't going to be that big of a deal. "Do you really trust the Illusive Man?"

He chuckled. "I don't trust anyone who makes more than me – except for you of course. But they brought you back, let me fly. And…_look_."

"It is something."

... ... ...

Inside it was something indeed. It was gorgeous, sleek, shiny and new; the spitting image of the real Normandy, but just a touch bigger and brighter and better in every detail.

A crew of strangers bustled about doing the work of operating a starship. No one saluted. And that seemed to expose the lie, rip away the façade. _It was a fake._ Billions of credits in the making, state of the art technology, working and real. _But a fake._ She felt an unexpected wave of sadness, of loss, and a cavernous ache threatened to open up inside her.

She willfully pushed it away. She was _alive_, dammit. Anyone else in all the universe would be dead, but she was _alive_. The ship might be a fake, but it flew, and it fired guns, and that would be more than sufficient for the time being.

So she strolled around the ship, running her hand along the walls and chatting with the crew. And with the AI – how cool was that? Sure, technically illegal and all, but damn it was cool. Cerberus including monitoring devices on board, not so cool. She would need to look into taking care of those in due time.

Joker was more than eager to share with her how everything had fallen apart after she was gone. She thought about reminding him that she wouldn't have _been_ gone if he hadn't been such a stubborn, infuriating cripple that wouldn't leave a ship broken in pieces – but she didn't. Honestly, she couldn't say she wouldn't have acted in exactly the same manner had she been in that chair. The odds never mattered in the games of life and death, right? So she let him be.

Eventually she made her way to her private quarters. She walked in and gazed around in amazement. These were some _seriously_ nice digs – it was practically an apartment. She'd never had an apartment. And this was an apartment with a fish tank! She had never thought particularly much about fish, but found herself suddenly intrigued by the idea of owning some. _Her fish_. She grinned.

She sat down at the desk and opened the terminal, wondering what she might find. 243,816 spam messages? Instead she simply found a message from Captain Anderson.

"_In the off chance that the rumors are true and you are actually alive, I need you to come and talk to me on the Citadel. A lot has changed in the last two years. You put me on the Council, and it's only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing."_

She frowned. This was all going to be terribly complicated, wasn't it? She was suddenly aware that she had a splitting headache. It had been one hell of a first day of her second life. Or was it her third?

She stood up to go check out the inviting-looking bed when a picture frame to her right flickered on. Kaidan stared out at her. She almost jumped. _How the hell?_ _How did they know?_ She let the thought pass for the moment, though, as she looked at the picture and smiled.

In the universe that was her brain, they had made love in the shower less than two days ago; in the bed hours before that. And it honestly did seem like less than two days ago. She didn't even really miss him – she had just seen him after all. And yet…

She knew she should think about it having been two years instead of two days ago; about the fact that it _had_ been two years for him; about the fact that she was apparently supposed to be dead. She chose not to do so just yet.

No matter. Later.

She found herself reaching out and gently touching the picture in the frame. After a moment she turned decisively and headed back to the elevator. She went straight to the cockpit and casually leaned over the back of Joker's chair.

"Joker, take us to the Citadel."


	19. Old Friends

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 19**

"**Old Friends"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>3 days since Resurrection ||<strong>__** 3 months, 2 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

There were a number of reasons why Shepard was at the Citadel. She was there to respond politely and with due speed to Anderson's message; she was there to find out whether the Alliance was really ignoring the colony attacks; she was there to find out whether she was still _in_ the Alliance; she was there to find out whether she was still a Spectre.

But mostly she was there to find Kaidan. Any of those reasons standing alone would almost certainly have brought her to this place, at more or less this time. But today she had decided to be honest with herself, and so she had to admit she was mostly there to find him.

She was alone. The Bitch had argued and come close to pitching a fit – "But what if something goes wrong Shepard?" "But what if they try to arrest you?" "But you need someone watching your back!" In the end, though, Shepard was in charge now, and that was that. And she was _not_ bringing Cerberus operatives to a meeting with an Alliance Captain and the Citadel Council. No way, no how. And _definitely_ not The Bitch.

The C-Sec guard made a face at his console and pushed more buttons. Finally he looked up at her in embarrassment. "Um, sorry for the inconvenience ma'am, our scanners are picking up false readings. They seem to think you're, uh…dead."

She smiled sweetly at the guard. "I was only mostly dead. Try finding that option on government paperwork."

His expression deepened in confusion. "Yeah…we need to get that cleared up…talk to the Captain through these doors if you would ma'am."

Captain Bailey welcomed her over. "I see the problem already Commander Shepard. My console says you're dead."

"About that…turns out there was a…small mistake? Any chance you could help clear that up?"

"I can see you're a busy woman, so how about I just press this button here, and we call it done?"

She smiled genuinely at the Captain. "I would be really grateful."

"Done. You're good to go."

"Thank you Captain." In a calculated move, she began walking off, took a few steps, then stopped and turned as if she had just remembered something.

She put on her most genuine, innocent smile. "Oh, Captain…I don't suppose you could check and see if a Kaidan Alenko is currently on the Citadel by chance?"

Bailey rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I'm not really supposed to give out that kind of information without an official request…but you _are_ a Spectre, so I guess any request by you is an official one, right?"

She grinned at him like he was an old friend. "Absolutely."

He typed at the terminal for a moment. "No, I'm sorry. Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko, Alliance military – that the right one? – departed the Citadel two days ago."

Staff Commander? _Damn._ She was happy for him; proud of him. He deserved it. Though now he outranked her… Suddenly two years felt like a very, very long time; the Battle of the Citadel… Vancouver… the real Normandy… all so very, very far away.

Yet he had been so very, very close –_ just missed him. _

She simply nodded, her face giving nothing away. "Great, thank you for the help Captain. I appreciate it."

She turned and strode into the Citadel – where her face scrunched up into a frown of sorts.

Sovereign's attack on the Citadel had provided the opportunity for a lot of…changes. Refurbishments. Relocations. Much was different, from the docking location and procedure, to the stores, to the art decorating the walls. It was a bit disconcerting, as if she had woken up in a near-perfect copy of her universe, one that was just _slightly_ different. Or maybe it was just that she had been dead for two years. Yeah, that could be it…

After a moment she shook it off and headed for the Presidium – with a brief detour to pick up some Alliance fatigues. Like hell was she going to spend her days wearing Cerberus-issued clothes with Cerberus logos plastered all over them…

... ... ...

She walked into Anderson's office in the middle of a Council meeting. Dammit, she had hoped to have the opportunity to talk to him in private before dealing with them.

The Asari broke off in mid-sentence. "Oh, Commander Shepard! We were just talking about you."

Anderson turned from the other Councilors, smiled, and greeted her with a hug. After a moment he pulled back and looked at her, questions filling his eyes. She smiled vaguely and gestured to the Council with her eyes. "Later."

"We called this meeting so you could explain your actions, Shepard. We owe you that much. After all, you saved our lives in the battle against Saren and his Geth."

She smirked. This was off to a good start. "You mean the battle against the Reaper Sovereign and the Geth? If so, yeah, I did."

The Turian Councilor scoffed. "Ah yes, Reapers…we have dismissed that claim."

Her eyes grew wide. "You…_dismissed_ that claim? You –"

Anderson stepped in, cutting her off. "Shepard, no one else was able to interact with the VI on Ilos, and you and your crew were the only ones to speak with Sovereign. I believe you, but without evidence from another source, the others think Saren was behind the Geth attack."

She groaned. "You have _got_ to be kidding me… Look, do you really think the Geth would follow some Turian? Because he asked them nicely?"

The Asari Councilor, ever the diplomat, responded. "Saren was a compelling and charismatic leader. He convinced the Geth the Reapers were real…just as he convinced you. We believe that you believe it, but that doesn't make it true."

She stared down the Councilors, threat in her eyes. "I kept Sovereign and Saren from conquering the Citadel; I sacrificed over _a_ _thousand_ human lives to save this Council. Remind me again why?"

"Watch yourself Commander. You are working for Cerberus, a terrorist organization. This is a capital offense. We could –"

"That's too far! Shepard is a hero!" She glanced sideways at Anderson with a grateful smile.

She sighed. "Look, I'm not actually here to argue about the Reapers. Odds are you'll discover the truth sooner or later, likely in the worst way possible. I need to investigate the recent large-scale attacks on human colonies by the Collectors. Am I still a Spectre? Do I have the authority of the Council?"

"We cannot become officially involved in events in the Terminus Systems; they are beyond our jurisdiction. In addition, we will not officially associate the Council with Cerberus. However…if you keep a low profile and restrict your operations to the Terminus Systems, we would willing to offer you reinstatement as a Spectre – if only as a gesture of good faith and appreciation for your prior actions."

_Well that was the biggest mouthful of double-speak and cowardly hedging she had heard in quite some time._ But given the circumstances, she should probably take it.

"I accept your offer. It is good to have the Council on my side. Thank you."

The holograms shimmered away. She turned and rolled her eyes at Anderson with a grin.

He chuckled. "Well, that went better than I'd expected. You do realize the Council's offer is just symbolic though; they won't actually do anything."

Her eyes twinkled. "Yeah, but the guys out in the Terminus Systems don't know that. I – "

Ambassador Udina barged in. "Anderson, I stopped by to – Shepard! What are you doing here?"

"I invited her. We just finished our meeting with the Council."

She smiled smugly at Udina. "The Council reinstated my Spectre status."

Udina's eyes narrowed. "You really should have consulted me first Anderson."

"I _don't answer to you_ Udina. Why don't you go to your office and think about that for a while?"

Udina eyes widened and he turned and left in a huff.

As soon as the door shut, she burst into full-throated laughter. "Oh, that was just…beautiful! I am _so_ glad I recommended you for Councilor."

Anderson chuckled. "Sometimes I'm not. But yeah – that's never going to get old."

Then he turned serious and looked at her with questioning eyes. "Shepard…what _happened_? Where were you? You should be dead…"

She let out a long breath and wandered over to the balcony, staring out at the Presidium Lake.

"I was."

He joined her on the balcony. "I don't understand."

She finally looked over at him. "I don't either, not really. I got spaced when the Normandy was attacked. My O2 line was blown, and I…suffocated." She cringed at the memory and for the briefest of seconds she couldn't breathe. "I woke up on a Cerberus lab table a few days ago. They claim to have recovered my body from Alchera and spent the last two years patching it back together."

Anderson stared at her for a long moment; his eyes seemed to lose some of their warmth. "Shepard, that's impossible. We can't bring the dead back to life. No one can."

She grumbled in frustration. "I don't know – maybe I wasn't entirely dead – maybe my suit kept me alive somehow – maybe – I don't know! All I know is I lost consciousness and I woke up, having gained some shiny new cybernetic implants and having lost two years." She stared directly at him. "I don't know what else to tell you. You're just going to have to take my word for it."

He just said "Okay." She didn't entirely believe him.

They looked out at the lake in silence for a time.

Eventually she looked over and smiled gently. "How have you been Captain?"

He sighed and shook his head slightly. "Sometimes it feels like I'm beating my head against a wall. Knowing the truth about Sovereign is brutal; it's nightmare stuff. I don't blame others for not wanting to believe it. But I know how important it is, so I keep trying. Fighting the good fight, right?"

"Didn't they examine the wreckage? It should have been obvious that Sovereign wasn't Geth technology."

"No one really knows what Geth technology looks like anymore. Sure, Sovereign was more advanced than the Geth ships we were able to recover, but it could have been a prototype. And the keepers scuttled off with much of the wreckage before we could claim it. What we were able to collect was intriguing and baffling, but it wasn't enough."

She nodded thoughtfully. "What happened to my crew after the attack? I know Navigator Pressly and some of the lower deck crew were killed."

"They scattered. Many received new assignments, some left the service. It was a traumatic time."

She stared out at the lake and worked to keep her voice neutral, keeping the same tone as the earlier question. _Careful, careful, careful – _the last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize his career in any way. "What about Staff Commander Alenko?"

Surprise passed across his face for the briefest moment before he tamped it down. _Thought you were going to be able to spring that one on me, judge my reaction, did you? Please, I'm not some rookie fresh off the transport ship…_

"The Commander is off on a special mission. It's classified." She could feel him staring at her; she kept looking casually out at the lake. "I can't say anymore. Not while you're working with Cerberus. I'm sorry, I know the two of you worked well together."

_Goddammit_.

She just nodded and moved on._ Later._ "What is the Alliance doing about the colony attacks? I was told they were doing nothing but I just can't believe that."

He sighed again. "Shepard, the colonists in the Terminus Systems are out there because they don't care for the Alliance. _They_ _don't want our help_. We're trying to do what we can anyway, we're investigating, offering assistance. But there's very little we can do."

"Are you serious? Entire colonies have gone missing. Hundreds of thousands of people! Are you telling me that _fucking Cerberus_ is doing more to stop the attacks than the entire Alliance military?"

"No, I am not telling you that. We're doing all we can. I'd do more, but Alliance Command doesn't actually have to listen to me anymore. But even within Command, Admiral Hackett is doing all he can. We're trying."

She glared at him. "It's not enough. The Collectors are doing something…terrible…with _human beings_. We have to stop them."

"How do you know the Collectors are behind this? It's not their MO."

"I saw them. At Freedom's Progress. Video footage of them anyway." She paused. "And I think they're working for the Reapers."

Anderson closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "The Reapers? Shepard, they're still trapped in dark space. You saw to that."

She looked at him speculatively. "Are they? Two years is a long time. Besides, Sovereign was right about one thing. The Reapers are beyond our comprehension. We have no idea what their communication, their travel capabilities may be. They could absolutely be using the Collectors. And they could be here tomorrow. Or any day."

He looked at her imploringly. "Do you have _any_ proof, anything that shows the Collectors are working with the Reapers?"

She shook her head in resignation. "No."

"Then there's nothing we can do."

"But you _can_ do something about the Collector attacks. Reinstate me in the Alliance. I'll give Cerberus the finger. Give me a ship and send me out there. _Please_."

He leaned dejectedly against the railing. "Shepard, if you try to get reinstated you'll face more bureaucracy than you can imagine. There will be hearings and investigations. They will insist on knowing where you've been for the last two years and they won't take 'being resurrected' for an answer. Best case scenario, you'll be trapped in administrative hell for months before they agree to give you a ship. Worst case scenario, you'll be thrown in the brig for desertion."

There was a measure of desperation on her face and in her voice. "_Fuck_, Captain! I can't be trapped behind a desk for six months while Alliance Command tries to figure out whether I'm _alive_!" She pushed off the railing and paced angrily around the room.

"As a Spectre you may be able to get around some of the worst of it, but… probably not much."

She stopped pacing and looked up at him with a dead serious expression. He had once been her mentor and perhaps was still her friend.

"What should I do?"

"Officially? You should petition for reinstatement in the Alliance. You're a marine, your home is with the Alliance. Suffer the indignities they inflict upon you and hopefully come out the other side in a few months." He paused. "Unofficially? You – No. I can't tell you that you should work with Cerberus. There is no scenario in which that is a good idea."

He paused again. "But you _are_ a Spectre. Go be one."

She looked back at him for a long moment. _This wasn't how she wanted it to be. _She didn't want to work with those she hated. She wanted to be Commander Fucking Shepard, Hero of Elysium, Savior of the Citadel, Golden Girl of the Alliance.

But this is how it was. It appeared no one else was going to bother stopping the Collectors. So she would, with whatever tools and resources she had available.

She nodded, resigned determination on her face. "Thank you for your help with the Council. I'll go be a Spectre. And I _will_ stop these attacks. We'll see how Alliance Command feels about me after I've saved their asses – again."

He embraced her briefly. "Do me a favor and _be careful_. No matter what, you can't trust Cerberus."

She whispered – "_I know_" – then turned and walked away.

David Anderson watched her walk out the door, his expression slowly darkening into a troubled frown.

* * *

><p>She sat cross-legged, lotus style, in the middle of her bed on the SR-2, her eyes closed but her mind racing around in circles. The rough path of the circles consisted of: Alliance-Council-Kaidan-Collectors-Colonists-Kaidan-Cerberus-Reapers-Kaidan. Some indeterminate amount of time passed.<p>

Abruptly she called a halt to the circular train, slowly letting out a very long breath. This is where she was. She was a Spectre – the first and last line of defense of the galaxy. Idealistic, even corny, but all too frequently true. She had a powerful ship at her command and seemingly endless resources from her devil-in-disguise benefactor.

Once before she had acted when no one else dared and had saved everyone. She could do so again.

And she couldn't be distracted from it by a man. Not even a strikingly handsome man with a heart of gold and a number of impressive talents, professional and…otherwise, and who seemed to prefer her company above all others – and truth be told, who's company she preferred above all others. No, the mission must always come first. He would understand. He would agree. In her place he would do the same. She wouldn't stop looking for him when and where she could – but she had colonies to save; bad guys to kill; Reapers to stop.

She nimbly crawled off the bed and went to her desk. She sat down at the terminal, opened the "Dossiers" folder, and started to read.

* * *

><p>Kaidan Alenko stepped off the shuttle onto Horizon with some trepidation. He wasn't expecting an overly warm welcome – people who chose to relocate to new colonies in the Terminus Systems, as a rule, didn't have a lot of faith or trust in the Alliance. Nonetheless, here he was. Here to help them – if not here <em>only<em> to help them – whether they liked it or not.

"Commander Alenko?" A woman approached him with a friendly smile – well there was _one _anyway. He nodded and she offered a hand. "Pleased to meet you. I'm Lilith, I'll be your primary point of contact for the project." He smiled professionally and shook her hand. "If you'll follow me, I'll show you to your quarters."

They stepped out of the landing port and the colony spread out before him. He quickly surveyed the layout – structures, open spaces, throughways. Not that he really needed to. Like the vast majority of colonies founded in the last ten years, Horizon had utilized the standard-issue prefab buildings, laid out in the time-tested most efficient pattern. Other than landscape features, Horizon looked exactly like the last dozen human colonies he had visited.

What was it Shepard had called them? He smiled as he heard her voice, saw her smirk in his head. "Copy-paste colonies," that was it.

Lilith glanced over at him as they headed down the steps. "Something you find amusing, Commander?"

He sighed and pushed aside the dull ache that inevitably lingered after thinking of her, much like a halo after staring at a bright light. Rather a lot like that, actually.

"No…just a memory."


	20. Garrus

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 20 **

"**Garrus"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Garrus Vakarian**

**LAST UPDATE: 15 days before Activation of Omega 4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 29 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

In retrospect, the mission would probably have been much easier if I had known ahead of time that I was retrieving Garrus. On the other hand, it might not have been as much fun. Plus, I would have missed out on one of the great surprises of my life. I don't mean that finding Garrus is the greatest thing to happen in my life (and what _is_ the greatest thing to happen in my life is a topic for another day in another journal). Make no mistake, it is a joy to see him again and a tremendous comfort to have yet another of the old crew back with me; another layer of insulation against the insidiousness that is _Cerberus_ permeating the ship.

But the greatness of it is that it was a _surprise_. As a kid, I had almost always seen "surprises" coming a mile away. As an adult, I _had_ always seen them coming a mile away. It wasn't that I wanted spoilers – in truth, I'm pretty sure I would rather enjoy being genuinely surprised; it looked like fun when it happened to others. But it didn't happen to me. Well, except for that time – those two times – on Noveria with Benezia and the Rachni Queen, but those were much too super-serious-galaxy-in-the-balance-important-decision-required to be any real fun.

Regardless, as a general rule, I just don't get surprised. It's kind of a bummer, but there it is. But Garrus – well, he surprised me. And it was awesome. At least until he got shot.

... ... ...

"Miranda, I _know_ we need to get Dr. Solus as soon as possible. I get it, I really do. And I agree. But it sounds like the good doctor is safe for the moment – at least as safe as one can be in a quarantined plague zone overrun by Blue Suns and Vorcha. On the other hand, it sounds like this Archangel guy has got a couple of hours left, at most. If we want Archangel, we're going to have to go get him. Now."

She glanced down for the briefest moment, then back up at me, head held proud as ever. "You're right, Commander. Your analysis of the situation is spot-on. Let's go get Archangel."

I smiled at her genuinely. "Thank you Miranda." I was all about rewarding reasonableness and non-Bitchitude.

Once we arrived at the merc command center, we set about causing as much trouble as we could. As I stood staring at the mech controls, I suddenly wished I had brought that lovely shadow of a girl Kasumi I had picked up at the Citadel. But Miss "genetically-modified-to-be-perfect" turned out, not surprisingly, to be quite proficient in yet another skill. She'd never give Kaidan a run for his money or anything, but she smoothly hacked through the mech's friend-or-foe system then smiled triumphantly. "Perfect. It will be hostile if they activate it."

I smiled appreciatively. "That'll be fun to watch."

Sergeant Cathka turned out to be fairly likeable and reasonable, for a Batarian mercenary. I had been making a concerted effort to be more…open-minded…about Batarians since Terra Nova. It wasn't easy, since everywhere I turned they were still scum terrorists and mercenaries. But I was trying. And in this instance, I was totally and completely justified in zapping the guy with his electrified repair tool. Furthering the mission and all. He'd be fine. Probably. And I got to walk away with the moral high ground – I _had_ tried…

When the call came for the next merc team to storm the bridge, we slipped in with them, moving quickly and quietly around the mercs and the gunfire. Archangel really did have a perfect setup; he took out fully two-thirds of the mercs before they got across the bridge. We took care of the rest in the stairway.

We moved into the room Archangel was holed up in carefully, weapons drawn. But he just stood at the ledge, sniper rifle aimed, taking out another wave of mercs. He _had_ to know we were there – yet he made no move to protect himself or to take us out. Finally I gave up being stealthy and just walked out into the open.

"Archangel?"

He held up a finger then headshot the last merc. Then he turned, propped a leg up on a nearby table, removed his helmet, and cocked his head to the side.

"Shepard…I thought you were dead."

"Garrus?" _What the hell?_ Garrus was back at the Citadel, rising in the ranks of C-Sec once again. I had just left him there two mon– _years_ ago. What had happened to _him_ while I slept?

I reached over and hugged him – as much as one could hug a Turian in armor. "What are you _doing_ here?"

He tried to smile. "Just keeping my skills sharp…a little target practice." The smile quickly faltered. He looked exhausted; worn; damn near defeated. He was hanging on by a thread.

"You okay?"

"Been better. Sure is good to see a friendly face though."

"Look, more mercs are coming, so here's the short version. The Collectors are abducting entire human colonies out here, and I'm putting together a team to try and stop them. I wanted 'Archangel' on my team…but I want you on my team a lot more. You game?"

"Mysterious, powerful enemy, impossible odds of success, time running short?"

"Yup."

"I'm in. Just like old times."

I smiled at him. "Okay then. How about we get outta here?"

The plan went smooth as silk until that damn gunship arrived while Jacob and I were still on the way back from locking down the basement shutters. _I knew I should have killed that son of a bitch Cathka_. We ran back into the room just as Garrus fell from a barrage of gunship fire.

_Shit._

I yanked out my shiny new Arc Projector and fried the gunship to hell and back, then ran to Garrus, bleeding his strange blue dextro-blood all over the floor. _Shit._

"Just hold on Garrus. I've got a doctor who knows all about how to patch you up." I hit the comm. "Joker? Let Chakwas know we've got incoming wounded – it's Garrus…yes, _that_Garrus – " I glanced over and realized Jacob was leaning against a pillar, blood seeping through fingers held over a wound in his side. " – and Jacob."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 27 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Chakwas worked her usual magic – Garrus pulled through mostly okay, and Jacob would be good as new in a day or two. Modern medicine really was remarkable. By the time we got back from picking up Dr. Solus, Garrus had talked his way out of the Med Lab and settled in at the gun batteries room. God, did that Turian love to tinker…

"You are one tough son of a bitch Garrus."

"Eh, I just have good armor is all. I've looked worse. Not much, mind you…" He sat down on the bench then looked up at me. "Frankly, I'm more worried about you. _Cerberus_, Shepard? You remember those sick experiments they were doing?"

"Every night in my nightmares, Garrus." I leaned back against the wall.

"What's going on here? If you don't mind me asking – and don't misunderstand, I'm glad that you aren't – but why aren't you dead?"

I raised an eyebrow over at him. "Because I always find a way to survive?"

He just looked at me.

I sighed. "As near as I can tell, Cerberus decided I was worth keeping around. Can't say I disagree. They recovered my dead – or nearly-dead – body from Alchera and spent the last two years rebuilding me. I woke up for the first time in two years a week ago. And no, before you ask, I'm not here because I feel beholden to them. I'm sure as hell grateful to them for bringing me back to life and everything, but even that doesn't begin to make up for all the evil they've done."

I took a deep breath. "But they are currently the only organization willing to bankroll an attempt to stop these attacks on human colonies out here in the Terminus Systems. I saw what's happening with the attacks…and they have to be stopped. So here I am."

He just looked at me for a long time, but eventually he nodded. "Okay. I don't pretend to understand how someone can be brought back to life – but damned if anyone can be, it would be you. And I don't pretend to want to work with Cerberus – but I trust you. I'll help you get this done. I don't have…anything else, anyway."

I started to probe that last point – I knew he wasn't in a good place – but he cut me off. "So where's Alenko?"

I pushed off the wall and went to stare at the gun assembly. "I don't know."

He sounded confused. "You haven't sought him out? But I thought…I mean…I know you weren't public about it, Alliance regs and all, but…weren't you…"

I glanced over at him with a sad smile. "We were and I did. He's on a secret classified mission for the Alliance…or the Council…or something."

He scoffed. "What's a little 'classified' designation to someone like you? Just ask Councilor Anderson, or Admiral Hackett, or whatever other big-wigs you know."

I shook my head softly. "I don't exactly have the full trust of the Alliance…or the Council…or even Anderson…what with having been dead and now running around on a Cerberus ship." I sighed quietly. "Given that, I didn't want to press the issue too hard and risk getting him into trouble – you know, those pesky Alliance regs and all. He even got a nice promotion and everything while I was gone. I…don't want to screw things up for him."

"Oh. I – I'm sorry Commander, I didn't mean to…"

I shook it off and smiled genuinely at him. "It's okay. This mission is important. I'll do whatever I have to in order to stop the Collectors and save as many colonists as possible. I can deal with the rest after we're successful."

"Of course Commander."

I had intended to push him on what had happened to him – on how he had found himself light years from the Citadel, at the other end of the galaxy in more ways than distance, holed up in a bunker with nothing but a sniper rifle and all the mercs on Omega out to kill him. But I was suddenly very tired; it could wait.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 2 months, 24 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

As I strolled through the ship on my way to have another try at Garrus and his personal baggage, I tried not to think about how little I had slept the previous night, about the dreams of a beach in starlight or the nightmares of the absence of air. It didn't matter. I had operated on far less sleep for far, far longer. This was child's play.

"Garrus, how much work can these guns need? I was under the impression that this was the most advanced warship in the galaxy, or damn near to it."

He shook his head dramatically. "Oh Commander, Commander. You have no idea the intricate work required to keep these guns running in tip-top shape. The more advanced the gun, the more the work."

I chuckled. "No, I don't. You know I suck at tech."

"You do. You really do." He smiled. "But at very little else."

"I'll take the compliment I can get. Have time to sit with me a bit?"

"Sure, I don't suppose we're apt to get attacked at this particular moment." He suddenly realized exactly that had happened to me the last time around and glanced away uncertainly.

I grinned. "It's okay. I'm fairly certain we're safe for the moment. And if we were to be attacked, EDI would take over anyway."

"Riiight, you've got an AI. Aren't those illegal?"

"Yes, yes they are."

"Just checking." He sat back next to me on the bench.

I glanced over with what I hoped was a fairly serious, yet gentle look. "So what happened Garrus? I thought you were determined to fight the good fight at C-Sec? Make a difference within the system where you could do some real good? How did you get…where I found you?"

He did that frustrated grumble thing that Garrus does. "I tried…I did…but with all the damage and deaths from Sovereign and the Geth, C-Sec was in chaos – the whole Citadel was in chaos. There was no order, no leadership, no anything…just 'clean up this mess!' So I left. After all we had done, I couldn't be a damn janitor, Shepard!" He sunk his face into his hands.

I put a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. And I was. "Okay. So what happened?"

"Ahhh. I figured I could do some good on Omega. People there needed someone to believe in, someone to stand up to the local thugs."

"And others rallied around you?"

"You prove you can get things done, people want to join up. You should know – I was merely one of the first in a long line of people choosing to follow you against Saren."

I smiled. That I did.

But then his face grew grim. At least, I thought it was grim. Probably. "And now they're all dead. Shows what I know."

_Shit._ _Stay strong Shepard. He needs you._

I waited patiently, hand still on his shoulder. Eventually it all came tumbling out.

"There were twelve of us – former military operatives, C-Sec agents, the usual. The thugs were kicking the helpless. I formed my team to kick back. We made money enough to fund us by taking down slavers, pirates and gangs that went too far."

"Having been a victim of slavers, I think I can say thank you."

He grinned, but it was a weak one. Keep pushing.

"You got three separate gangs that hate each other to unite against you. I am _most_ impressed."

"Yeah, well, they got us in the end though. One of my own people betrayed me, a Turian named Sidonis." He spat the name. "He drew me away while the mercs attacked my team. And now everyone except me is dead. Because of him – and because I didn't see it coming."

"Are you sure? Maybe they just took him out first?"

His face turned hard as stone. "No. He booked transport off Omega just before the attack and cleared out his private accounts. He sold me out and ran."

"Do you know where he is now?"

"No. But I'll find him."

Somehow, I didn't doubt that he would. "Help me out until you do?"

"Always, Shepard." Then he shook his head slightly and seemed a bit embarrassed. "I – I've got some things to take care of."

I watched him thoughtfully as he strode away. Such a good, heroic, tragic man.

... ... ...

When I finally made it to quarters tonight, I found waiting for me a message from the wife of one of Garrus' team.

"…_I know Garrus blames himself; he took every shot fired at his squad as a failure on his part, and it was clear when he sent me the message that my husband had died that he thinks it was his fault. But whatever happened there wasn't Garrus' fault. Please, if you can, help him stop blaming himself…"_

I leaned back in the chair and let out a long breath. Garrus was stubborn, quick to shut down when a conversation hit a sensitive spot, and internalized everything that happened to him. How was I going to help him?

Well, I was stubborn too. I would find a way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 2 months, 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Well I'm not entirely sure that helped. Maybe. A little.

I took Garrus with me to procure "Subject Zero" from Purgatory. I thought…I don't know, I thought reminding him of what real criminals were, of where they ended up, might help set his mind back on the right path.

Instead he railed against the prisoners; he railed against the guards. When it turned out the Warden was crooked, he damn near got himself shot in the head shouting at the loudspeaker in righteous indignation rather than getting into cover where he should have been. He second-guessed me when I was dancing a negotiation tight-rope with the lovely creature known as Jack. That one resulted in a post-mission visit...

I found him in little better a state. He paced around the battery room. "Shepard, are you _sure_ we should have brought that…crazy…criminal…_person_ onboard the Normandy?"

I raised my hands in surrender. "I know. I _know_. But I couldn't leave her to die on that ship, not when I was the cause of it exploding and all."

"Um…not to belabor the point Shepard, but…you left the rest of the criminals to die on that ship…"

I flopped down on the bench and dropped my head back against the wall. "Yeah. I did, didn't I?" I stared at the ceiling. "Sometimes I hate this job."

He joined me on the bench; his shoulders slumped dejectedly. "Shepard, what's the point? When the criminals are killers, when the jailers are criminals…when a teammate is liable to betray you while you're looking the other way…what are we fighting for? Why do we bother?"

I looked over at him, projecting the certainty that I _mostly_ felt but had to fully display. "Because most of the people out there _deserve_ our help, Garrus. We can't withhold it just because someone undeserving might happen to benefit in the process."

He let out a long sigh. "I suppose…it's just…when the world is this fucked up, how do you know what to trust?"

It was a good question – and an uncomfortable one. His usually were.

After a moment I pulled myself off the wall and looked back at him. "I trust in myself, Garrus. You're right – sometimes that's all there is. And in those times, it has to be enough." I grinned at him. "This time though, I have you too."

If Turians could blush, I thought he was probably blushing. "I – thank you, Commander." He always reverted to calling me "Commander" when he got nervous or uncomfortable.

He stood up and went over the control panels. "I'll, um, think about what you said…maybe find some inspiration somewhere…but right now I, uh, need to re-calibrate these guns, so…"

I shook my head and let him be.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 1 day until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I was talking with Kasumi in her room when Garrus burst in. "Shepard – there you are. Can I, um, talk with you for a minute?"

"Of course Garrus." I noticed the agitation in his movements and realized it was serious. "Shall we…go to my quarters?"

"That – yes, if that's okay."

I smiled gently. "Sure. Kasumi, we can talk about this some more later. For now…carry on." She just smiled back mischievously.

Upstairs, I sat down on the couch and looked up at Garrus pacing back and forth. "Sit?"

"Um…no…I'm fine."

"Garrus, what is it? Just tell me before you wear a hole in the carpet."

He stopped short and looked over at me. "I got a lead on Sidonis."

I just looked at him, voice even. "Okay."

He started pacing again. "He's on the Citadel, but he may not be there for long. There's a specialist, name of 'Fade', helps people disappear. Sidonis was seen with him a few hours ago."

"How on earth do you _know_ this?"

He smiled at that. "Not _all_ my contacts from my C-Sec days are entirely on the correct side of the legal divide."

I chuckled a bit but quickly turned serious. "Garrus, what do you plan to do?"

He stared at me. "I plan to kill him."

I nodded and dropped my head for a moment then looked back up at him. "You sure that's how you want to play this?"

"I'm sure. I don't need you to agree with me, but I'd like your help."

"Of course. Always." I stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "We'll go now."

After he left I l sunk into the couch, thinking for awhile. Eventually I went to my desk and opened the message from the wife of one of Garrus' team. _Please, if you can, help him stop blaming himself_. I knew that killing Sidonis was not going to fix Garrus' guilt; if anything, it would make it worse – once Sidonis was dead, he would have nothing left but himself.

I looked over at the picture on the desk. "Kaidan, you were his friend. How am I going to stop him from doing this? How am I going to save him from himself?"

The picture was not forthcoming with any answers.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 29 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

By my third visit I was almost getting used to the _ever so slightly different_ Citadel. I still didn't feel comfortable there, but I was no longer repeatedly stopping short with a confused look of "but that should be…"

Also, I had never been to the factory district on the "old" Citadel – that probably helped. We cleared the doors into the factory and walked into a meeting of a couple of Blue Suns mercs and… _Harkin?_ Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me...

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me! _You're_ Fade? _You_?" I groaned audibly.

"Shepard? Shit! Just what I need…" Harkin turned and ran through the door.

Garrus looked over at her. "Well, at least now I won't feel bad when I beat him up."

Try as I might, I just couldn't disagree. I rolled my eyes and headed through the door.

Eventually only a room full of mechs stood between us and Harkin, who had holed up in the control room overlooking the factory floor. I called for a break to catch our breath in the entry room; Harkin had managed to get himself trapped and wasn't going anywhere. But Garrus didn't even lean against a wall; he just kept fidgeting and pacing around the room. He was wound tighter than a two credit watch. I leaned back and watched for a minute.

"So, you still planning on killing Sidonis when we find him?"

He kept pacing. "That's the plan. It'll be quick and painless, unlike everyone he got killed, which is more than he deserves – but as long as he's dead, I'll be satisfied."

I raised an eyebrow. "Will you?"

He finally stopped and looked at me. "Shepard, I know you don't like it, but I have to do this. I'll pull the trigger, I'll live with the consequences. All I'm asking is that you help me find him."

I just nodded. "Let's go."

... ... ...

"Harkin's a bloody menace; we shouldn't have just let him go. He deserved to be punished." Garrus glared out at the world as we drove to the meeting Harkin had set up with Sidonis.

I frowned. There was no more time for screwing around.

"Garrus, you were going to _shoot_ him. God knows, no one is more annoyed by Harkin than I am, but I don't want to _kill_ him – and neither should you. It's just not like you."

He glanced over at me. His voice was quiet. "What do you want from me Shepard?"

"I want you to be at _peace_, Garrus. And I don't believe killing Sidonis is going to give you that."

He growled in frustration. "What would _you_ do if someone betrayed you?"

What would I do? "Well, Udina betrayed me after Virmire, and I'm pretty sure I tried to punch him...until my friend stopped me." I smiled at him.

"Shepard, that's not – that's not the same, and you don't get to manipulate me with it." He let slip a little chuckle. "Good try though."

I nodded. I owed him an honest answer. "I honestly don't know. But I do know I wouldn't let it change who I am."

"Yeah, well, I would've said the same thing before it happened to me. Shepard, who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows, nobody else cares. I don't see any other options."

"Garrus, I understand, but this isn't like you."

His voice was flat. "I'm not like you Shepard."

"This isn't like _you_ either."

He landed and turned off the engine then looked over at me. "Really? I've always hated injustice. And you know what is unjust? Him going on living while ten good men lie in unmarked graves." He turned and opened the door. "You'd better go; he'll be here soon."

I sat in the vehicle a moment longer, mind racing. _I was losing him._

_... ... ...  
><em>

"You're in my shot, move to the side."

I looked at the Turian standing in front of me. He was fidgety, nervous. He looked tired, though I really couldn't be sure. Mostly though, he didn't look like an evil mastermind – he looked like a sad, lost man. I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. No going back.

"Sidonis, I'm here to help you, so listen carefully. I'm a friend of Garrus. He wants you dead, which probably isn't a surprise – but I'm hoping that won't be necessary."

His eyes widened. "You're not kidding, are you?" He turned to run, but I grabbed his arm in a vise-grip.

"Don't move. The only thing standing between you and a bullet in the head is me. And I'm a little twitchy."

"Fuck! Look, I didn't _want_ to do it. I didn't have a choice!"

Garrus's voice reverberated in her head. "Everyone has a choice."

I looked speculatively at Sidonis, eyebrow raised.

"They got to me – they said they would kill me if I didn't help them!"

Garrus growled in my ear. "_Let me take the shot Shepard._"

I stared at Sidonis, unimpressed. "That's _it_? You let ten men die to save yourself?"

Sidonis suddenly looked very small. "I know what I did. I know they died because of me. I wake up every night, sweating, their faces staring back at me. I'm already a dead man – I can't sleep, I can't eat. Some days I just want it all to be over."

"_I can grant that wish_" in my ear. I sighed.

"You've got to let this go, Garrus. He's already dead – there's nothing left to kill."

I could hear Garrus' outward struggle, could imagine his inner one. Then he let out a long breath. "Just…just tell him to…_go_…quickly, before I change my mind."

I cocked my head at Sidonis. "He's giving you a second chance. I would suggest not wasting it."

He nodded, looking very much like the man who had suddenly been given a second lease on life that he was. "I'll…try, Garrus. Tell him _I'll try_. Thank you." He hurried off.

I let out a long, relieved sigh, the tension flowing away. I turned and went back to the transport. Garrus shortly came up and I opened my mouth to speak. "I – "

"I know you want to talk about this, but I don't. Not yet."

"Garrus – "

He shook his head. "He deserved to die. I just…"

I smiled gently. "The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know."

"Yeah…I…it's easy when it's black and white. Gray…I don't know what the hell to do with gray."

I patted his arm. "Come on, let's get out of here."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SEVENTH ENTRY: 15 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

It is my hope that at long last Garrus has found some measure of peace – with himself and with his past. Standing in Zakera Ward between him and his target, I worried that I may save Garrus' soul but at the cost of his friendship. A trade worth making, but not one I wanted.

He likely hated me for a little while – I do, after all, have a tendency to frustrate his righteous temper tantrums at regular intervals. But today he seemed okay. Better than okay – relaxed and engaged in a way I haven't seen him since his arrival on the ship, or possibly ever.

We talked tonight for a long while, about the good old days of chasing Saren across the galaxy, about the true risks of the current mission, and about more personal matters. Somehow that even led to him sharing a story about one of his sexual trysts and a good bit about reach and flexibility – which I'm not sure I _really_ wanted to know. I mean, how do they…and what about the…never mind. Not the point.

The point is that he is okay, and I am very glad to have him here, watching my back and competing with me for sniper kills, as we once more prepare to go into the breach.


	21. Allegiances

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 21**

"**Allegiances"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>9 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 2 months 26 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Shepard stared at the bathroom mirror, brush in hand, attempting to tame her perpetually unruly hair. It was a battle she had fought virtually every morning since enlisting in the Alliance twelve (or fourteen, depending on how one counted) years ago. She hadn't had to fight her hair the mornings of those two years, so she personally didn't count them.

She tucked the wayward strands behind her ear again, then stuck her tongue out at the mirror as one after another the tendrils fell back across her face. She started to brush them back _again_, then stopped with the brush in mid-air.

Fuck it.

She apparently wasn't really _in_ the Alliance anymore. Sort of. It was at the very least safe to assume that she wouldn't be subject to a uniform and personal appearance inspection anytime soon. And among the many regs that Cerberus didn't have were the regs covering the acceptable length and cut of one's hair – not that she would be inclined to follow them if they did.

She grinned.

_Fuck it._

She ran her fingers through the wayward strands once and left.

... ... ...

She went to inspect the new weapons her "illusive"devil-in-disguise benefactor had been so kind as to provide. As he seemed to always be, Jacob was in the Armory.

She leaned back against the work table. "How're things looking, Jacob?"

He turned his attention from the test machines and leaned against the bench. "Have to say, you run this ship tight, and we're getting things done. I'm impressed…but not surprised."

She grinned slightly in recognition of the compliment. "I know you said you were with Alliance for a couple of years, but I heard a rumor that it was a bit more than that. Sounds like we may have a few things in common."

He – did he blush? "I did some things. Didn't drive a Mako through a Relay or take down a Reaper or anything – you covered that."

She looked at him speculatively. He may be with Cerberus, but he was a military man through and through. Disciplined. Proper. Formal. On guard. That was good; she respected it. But still…with Cerberus he was.

"You don't seem like the 'results at all costs' kind of guy. Cerberus' methods don't bother you?"

"Hell yeah they do. I have issues with many actions Cerberus has taken in the past. But how much better is the Alliance, really? It's all politics. At the end of the day, somebody has to take down the bad guys. The Alliance doesn't seem inclined to do its job and take down the Collectors. So long as Cerberus wants to do so, I'm on their side."

She cocked her head at him. He wasn't wrong…but he wasn't right either. She wasn't so naïve as to think the Alliance was all sunshine and roses and American flags (she had read her history). Bureaucracy and corruption were an inevitable result of an organization of any size and history.

But at its core, the Alliance did more or less hold true to a core set of values – strength, discipline, honor, duty, loyalty, sacrifice, and most importantly, _right_. She had no doubt that while Cerberus may pay lip service to some or most of those credos, all of them went out the window the moment expediency reared its tempting head.

She didn't share these thoughts with Jacob, for now. "While I don't profess to really understand why you left the Alliance, you're honest and not afraid to express a clear opinion. I really can't ask for more from my team." She paused. "Well…I could also ask for steady shooters who remain calm and focused in combat situations…but you're good there too, so we're cool."

His armor showed a chink. "Ah, hell Commander. It was all bullshit anyway." He looked over at her. "Did you know the general public never knew you died? Or what really happened at the Citadel? Did you know they used your likeness on recruitment ads for like six months? Then one day you were just replaced with some computer-generated image. Guess you didn't focus-test right. Perfect example of humanity, and they still dumped you."

_Perfect example of humanity_. She looked over at him, saw the faintest hint of flirtation, of desire – appreciated it, acknowledged it with the slightest curve of her lips and nod of her head – _and passed it by_. She had a date – albeit one without an actual _date_ – with a strikingly handsome man with a heart of gold and a number of impressive talents. She couldn't – wouldn't – be distracted from it. From him.

So she just chuckled lightly. "Way to boil it down Jacob. Any chance you have a better outlook on our current mission?"

He returned the acknowledgement with the slightest nod, then transformed back into the consummate soldier. "Don't worry Commander, this is exactly what I signed on for. We'll get it done."

She walked back out into the Command Center, looking forward to a relatively idle time of getting to know the crew of this fake Normandy a little better. But instead the intrepid Miss Chambers waved her over immediately. "Commander! You have a new message at your private terminal!"

Well how private could it be if the intrepid Miss Chambers knew whenever it contained a new message… She smiled sweetly and came over to the terminal station.

_Cerberus Command Request_

_We'd like you to look into a situation on Lorek, a nearby planet in the Fathar system; we believe Eclipse mercs are holding one of our operatives there. You should be able to detect the operative's transmitter. Extract the operative; if the operative is beyond rescue, recover any relevant intel that Eclipse may have collected. This is a very delicate matter, Shepard. We trust your discretion."_

Ah, what the hell. They were close – and her experience with Eclipse when extracting Garrus from Omega had left none too good a taste in her mouth.

... ... ...

Garrus was insisting he had fully recovered from his near-death-by-gunship on Omega and was good to go, so she took him along. It should be a short, relatively easy extraction; it would be a good way to ease him back into things. She had enjoyed Kasumi's company when getting Mordin, so she grabbed her too.

They found a small but filled-to-capacity Eclipse base. The close quarters of prefab buildings were a perfect venue for biotics though. She didn't even reach for her rifle – she just let the power fly. The singularities practically bounced off one another and the walls.

Garrus looked over at her with a smirk as the bodies fell. "Shepard, I know you want to ease me back into things, what with my injuries and all, but was that really necessary?"

She grinned broadly. "Probably not…but it was fun."

She stepped over the bodies to the computer terminal and scanned over the entries related to the Cerberus operative.

"_Eclipse targeted Agent Rawlings some time ago. We know Rawlings is connected to the encrypted data we acquired. The data could conclusively prove Cerberus' involvement in Rachni experiments…"_

– well she could have told them _that_ –

"…_We believe Rawlings possesses a cipher that can be used to decrypt the data."_

"_The interrogation has failed. Despite some of our most advanced interrogation techniques, Agent Rawlings managed to evade our questions. Eventually his resistance caused tempers to flare. We consider it unfortunate that Agent Rawlings did not live to pass on the cipher."_

Interesting. But not interesting enough to ignore the second wave of Eclipse mercs coming through the doors. Garrus did his best to take out as many as possible before she wrecked them all as they foolishly clustered in the doorway. She grinned an acknowledgement at his efforts before moving to the next building – where she found the remains of the resilient Agent Rawlings, and another computer.

She opened up the files – she wasn't _that_ bad at tech – to find the encrypted data Eclipse had acquired. These guys were sloppy. She closed her eyes and considered her options for a moment, then decided.

"Kasumi, come over here for a sec." The girl shook her head roughly and snapped out of the horrified stare she had been frozen in since entering the room, then quickly stepped away from the tortured body and moved to Shepard's side.

"Can you by chance…find a way to send this file to Alliance Command, Attention Captain Anderson… without our Cerberus friends noticing?"

Kasumi grinned mischievously under her cloak. "Yeah. I can totally do that." She squeezed Kasumi's shoulder and turned to watch the door. "Excellent."

* * *

><p>By the time she got back to the Normandy she already had a message from Anderson waiting:<p>

_ From: Alliance Command_

_ Commander:_

_We got the data you sent. If this went public, it could do some serious damage to Cerberus' image. This intel will take years to decode, but just having it is a huge win for the Alliance._

_Well done, Shepard. Good luck on your mission._

_- Anderson_

She grinned and typed out a quick reply to the original request from Cerberus:

_I regret to inform you that Agent Rawlings was found deceased. We searched the terminals at the location but no meaningful data was recoverable._

_- Commander Shepard_

She wandered the ship idly pondering the day's events. She wasn't foolish enough to think that this one simple action would be enough to win the Alliance's trust. But it was surely a good start.

Besides, a little rebellion was good for the soul. She smiled, and for the first time since leaving the Citadel, felt a bit of optimism…of rightness…of _place_. Wrapped in those feelings, she went to see The Bitch…

She stopped at the elevator and squeezed her eyes shut. If her time on the SR-2 was not going to be quite so temporary, she was going to have to grow up and lose the petty childishness. Miranda was arrogant, curt, and generally not an easy person to like – not to mention the top agent of the Illusive Man. However, thus far in three missions she had always followed orders – if invariably expressing her opinion first – and had proven even more skilled in a number of areas than advertised. Plus, she was taking care of all the administrative work of managing the Cerberus crew members, saving Shepard from at least some of the constant reminders that this was not an Alliance ship.

Okay, okay, _fine_ – she was going to see Miranda. _Miranda._ She rolled her eyes at no one in particular and stepped into the elevator.

... ... ...

Miranda looked up from her impressive display of monitors as Shepard walked in. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "I'm impressed Shepard, so far things have gone exceptionally well. As Cerberus operations go, this is one of the best I've been a part of."

Shepard sat down across the desk and mimicked Miranda's pose. "_Maybe_ that's because this isn't a Cerberus operation."

"Not to _you_ maybe, but I report to the Illusive Man." Miranda cocked her head a bit at Shepard. "Cerberus gave you a second chance, Commander. Perhaps you should do the same for us."

_No_. Cerberus lost their second – and third – chance long ago.

She just shook her head and looked at Miranda curiously. "What on earth did Cerberus _do_ that makes you so damn loyal?"

Miranda stood up and paced slowly around her office – then, astoundingly, _actually answered the question_. "Being genetically altered wasn't my choice. My father…created me. In a laboratory tube, to be precise. He's very controlling and very wealthy. He – didn't want a daughter; he wanted a dynasty." She turned and looked at Shepard. "I ran away as soon as I was old and brave enough. I went to Cerberus because I knew they could protect me. And they did."

She looked speculatively at Miranda, and _tried _– but she just couldn't trust her yet; couldn't break through that wall. It was probably a failing on her part. She would work on it – though perhaps not just yet. A little longer to play the game would be fine.

"I assume that Cerberus approves of your _enhanced_ abilities?"

Miranda sat back down behind her desk. "Of course – Cerberus endorses enhancements of humanity, including genetic ones. But unlike my father, they see the bigger picture…and I feel like I have a purpose here."

Shepard leaned forward, elbows on her knees. She was caught up in the moment in spite of everything. She felt Miranda's emotional turmoil, her need – and found herself wanting to help her.

"Miranda, you talk about yourself like you're just a tool, to be used – by your father, and yes, by Cerberus. But you control your own life, your own purpose, your own destiny. No one else. Only you. _You don't have to be beholden to them._ You can make your own choices."

Miranda looked at her curiously, as if she didn't know quite what to make of her. Finally she sighed. "Maybe for you Commander." She looked down at the desk for a moment then sat up straight, proper and formal. "Cerberus has given me everything, and entrusted me with great responsibilities. I'm proud of the work they've done and the role I've played in it. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Shepard just shook her head in frustration and stood up. _Nope, not today._ "Kasumi's heist is tomorrow night. Bekenstein should have a sophisticated market sector – draw up a list of things we need and you can go shopping while I play dress up."

"Of course, Commander."

... ... ...

Shepard was fidgety; unsettled. She needed to go for a run. So she did – but the treadmill in the workout room was a poor substitute for fresh air, wind on her bare skin, sun on her face. Considering that she'd spent most of the last year of her _conscious_ life on a ship, she really should have learned to get what she needed from the treadmill and the music in her ears. She hadn't entirely done so.

Well, there was more than one way to settle down. After a shower and a quick dinner she headed for the Med Lab.

"Doctor…what would you say to cracking open that brandy tonight?"

Chakwas grinned. "I thought you'd never ask!"

The brandy was smooth and went down easy. Soon they were giggling like two schoolgirls…

"I thought Alenko's biotic display might have broken Jenkins' back, but Jenkins pops up…" – Chakwas demonstrated said popping up in full – "…and yells 'That was AWESOME!'"

She collapsed back into the chair. "Ahhh, Jenkins. Soldiers like him and Alenko make the Alliance great. Cerberus lacks the same…enthusiasm."

Shepard smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to get to know him better." Chakwas raised an eyebrow at her. "Jenkins, I mean. Because, you know, he was killed on my first mission, whereas Alenko served with me for months, and so of course I got to know him better…because we served together. For months. As opposed to Jenkins…" Chakwas just gave her a _completely_ unimpressed look. Shepard tried to keep a straight face but after a few seconds burst out laughing and raised her hands in surrender.

Chakwas grinned warmly. "Of course! Makes perfect sense."

After the laughter finally subsided Shepard cocked her head at the doctor. "You could have gotten a tour of duty on any Alliance ship in the fleet – and I _know_ you're not the human supremacist type. Why are you here?"

Chakwas sighed. "You're right, I have little sympathy for Cerberus' philosophies. It's just…maybe it's less about leaving and more about staying. As a military doctor I often treat people in bad shape. Sometimes they die. If I _can_ help them, they move on. Either way, they leave. But…for instance, Joker will always have Vrolik's Syndrome. He'd never admit it of course, but he needs my help and always will."

"Treating Joker gives you a kind of stability."

"Yes…but so does this ship, even if it is a copy –"

"A fake."

Chakwas looked at her with an uncomfortable amount of perceptiveness. "Yes. A fake. You know…maybe it's you. _Shepard_, our immovable center. Our guiding light and strength in the darkest times…" She stopped and dropped her head, flushing with embarrassment. "Or…maybe I'm just happily drunk…" She looked back up. "Would it hurt if it was just simple like that for once?"

Shepard smiled wistfully. "Right now I'll take anything simple I can get. And _thank you_."

Chakwas refilled her glass then raised it in the air. "A toast – to the Alliance, and the brave men and women who serve it…" – she glanced over at Shepard with that same perceptive look – "…both in and out of the uniform. May they live and die with honor."

Shepard clinked their glasses together. "To live, and die, with honor."


	22. Mordin

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 22 **

"**Mordin"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is (mostly) canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Mordin Solus**

**LAST UPDATE: 3 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 28 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Since it was so late by the time we got Garrus and Jacob back to the ship and safely in Dr. Chakwas' care following our not-so-fun-in-the-end encounter with all the mercenaries on Omega, it was the next morning before we headed back into the fine establishments of Omega to see about getting ourselves a scientist.

We headed straight for the quarantine zone; no sense putting off the fun. Humans were immune to the plague, but there was no way in which traipsing through the plague-infested district was a pleasant experience. Bodies were being burnt on pires; yet still more bodies were piled up in corners. The stench was overpowering. Five minutes inside the quarantined area and Kasumi summed it up nicely: "I've seen a lot of bad before. This is worse. Way worse." I filed away for later consideration the question of how it was that such a young woman had seen that much _bad_.

It did, however, seem possible that the plague was near to running its course. Practically the only things alive at this point were human Blue Suns and Vorcha. At least until we stumbled upon a dying Batarian slumped against a wall. Why did it _always_ have to be Batarians?

I approached him warily – which was a good thing, because he spat at me. "Get away from me human, you've done enough already! Your plague did this to me!"

I sighed in annoyance. "Humans didn't create this plague."

"Lies drip from your mouth like the blood from my sores."

"Look, I just need to find Mordin Solus. Do you know which way his clinic is located?"

"Humans looking for the human sympathizer. Damn you!" He was overtaken by a massive coughing fit, spitting up blood and phlegm. He also appeared to be…crying? _Shit._

Sometimes having a conscience sucked.

I squatted down and gave him some medi-gel. "Here...it won't cure the plague, but it should help with the pain a bit."

He looked up in wonder. "You…you helped me? Why?"

I forced a smile. "It's what I do."

"Your words sound sincere. Maybe it's the fever, who knows. But you have given me a flicker of hope to light my dying hours."

Hell, that was almost…poetic. Did Batarians even have poetry? _Dammit Shepard, how many times are you going to have to be reminded to never stop questioning, never start assuming you know everything there is to know?_

The Batarian offered some parting advice. "This doctor…Solus…be careful. The Blue Suns tried to press him for protection money. He killed them all. He's not just a doctor – doctors don't execute people…and display the bodies as a warning."

Great. A psychopathic doctor. Just what a Cerberus ship needed. The fact that this guy qualified as the type of doctor Cerberus _wanted_ did absolutely nothing to convince me that Cerberus was anything other than what they in fact were – a bunch of opportunistic, amoral terrorists.

But what we found when we entered the clinic was something altogether…different. Nurses and aides were bustling around tending to dozens of plague victims; humans sat against the walls clutching meager belongings. And in the back, a Salarian flitted around a lab table, giving orders in every direction.

"Professor Solus?"

He looked up but kept pacing. "Don't recognize you from area…too well-armed to be refugees…no mercenary uniform…investigating plague?...here for something else?...per –"

Aria's words suddenly rang completely and absolutely true. _Just don't get him talking. He _never_ shuts up._

"For the love of god, take a breath! I'm Commander Shepard. I'm here on a critical mission and I need your help."

"Mission? What mission? No. Too busy. Clinic understaffed, plague spreading too fast. Who sent you?"

No need to scare him off before we had him. "A covert and privately-funded human group."

He kept pacing. "Related to plague?…doesn't affect humans…equipment suggests military…non-standard though…Spectres?...no, human…only one option." He stopped short and looked up. "Cerberus sent you."

_Okay then._ If I wasn't careful it was clear that Dr. Solus was going to run circles around me. I needed to up my game a notch. Possibly two notches. "You're well-informed. How did a Salarian scientist hear about Cerberus?"

He twitched. "We…crossed paths."

"The Collectors are kidnapping entire human colonies. We're going to find out why and stop them. Interested?"

"Collectors. Intriguing. Must stop plague first. Already have cure. Need to distribute it at environmental control center. Vorcha guarding it. Need to kill them."

I let out a long breath. I was finding that since waking up on a Cerberus lab table a week ago, I just didn't have the patience with people that I did…before. The quirky inhabitants of the galaxy were tending to grate rather than entertain. My head hurt.

"Just once I'd like to ask someone for help and hear them say 'Sure, let's go, right now, no strings attached…'"

Dr. Solus looked over at me. "Life is a negotiation. We all want. We all give. To get what we want."

_Well, yes._

_... ... ...  
><em>

We opened the doors to find Mordin's assistant Daniel at the gunpoint of three Batarians.

"Don't move! One more step and we kill your friend."

This I could do. "I know you're scared – of the Vorcha, of the plague – but this man isn't to blame. If he was spreading the plague, why would he come into Vorcha territory, they're immune. Just _think_ for a minute."

The Batarian stared at her with all of his eyes. "If we set him free, you'll let us go?"

_Dammit, haven't I already done my Batarian atonement good deed for the day?_

"You have my word."

He waved the guns down. "Okay, you got what you want _human_. Are we free to go?"

I stared at him a moment. My trigger finger twitched. These guys were mercenaries. They weren't going to run off and suddenly become upstanding citizens helping the poor and downtrodden.

I lowered my gun anyway. "We had a deal. Get out of here."

The Batarian scoffed. "Human nobility. I didn't know such a thing existed."

Didn't know such a thing _existed_…ugh. I should have shot him, I really should've shot him. _How long was I going to have to pay for the death of Kate Bowman? Of twenty innocent people?_ The answer came back surprisingly swiftly and as a bonus, bearing the voice of Kaidan Alenko.

"_For as long as you choose to."_

_... ... ...  
><em>

We killed 723 Vorcha, Krogans and Batarians – at a minimum – to get the ventilation fans started up again. Whatever other issues I may be dealing with, a second chance at life meant that my rule about trying to kill anything that was shooting at me was back in full force and effect. So die they did. All in a day's work for the Hero of Elysium, Savior of the Citadel, first human Spectre. Yay me.

But whatever the body count, at the end of it we inserted the plague cure into the environmental control system, got the ventilation fans restarted, then picked our way back through the corpses we had made to inform Dr. Solus of the good news. We found him instructing Daniel on the many quirks of running the clinic. Daniel looked vaguely shell-shocked, and I felt a moment of sympathy for the poor guy.

Dr. Solus finally noticed me leaning against the doorway, arms crossed over my chest, and turned from Daniel. "Heard the vents start up, assume they carry the plague cure – guessing you wouldn't leave something like this half-done, no? Am leaving Daniel in charge of clinic. Will meet you on your ship within the hour. Okay, yes?" He didn't wait for a response before turning back to Daniel and the wide-eyed nurse standing behind him.

I jerked my head curtly. Okay then. Fine. I looked over at Kasumi and Miranda with a cold smile. "Let's go."

True to his word, Dr. Solus was on the Normandy within the hour. And unlike me, he had not lost any energy.

"Cerberus working with aliens. Unexpected. The Illusive Man branching out, maybe? Not so human-centric?"

I scoffed. "Don't kid yourself Professor. Humans still come first in the Illusive Man's mind. This problem is simply bigger than Cerberus."

Jacob briefed him on the attacks. "At this point several colonies have been hit. There is virtually no evidence at the location that anything at all has happened. Except that every man, woman and child is gone."

"I will need a lab. Samples. Subject– "

EDI interrupted him. "A state of the art research laboratory is available and ready for you on the Normandy, Dr. Solus."

He stopped. "Who's that? Pilot? No, synthesized voice. Simulated emotional inflections. Could it be...no. Maybe. Have to ask. Is that an _AI_?"

I just nodded.

"An AI on board, non-human crew members…Cerberus more desperate than I thought."

_Trusting a two billion-credit ship and the entire mission to one recalcitrant, annoyed, recently-dead Spectre who would just as soon blow them up as work for them? Professor, you have _no_ idea._

I left him to his new playtoys, all but crawled to my quarters and crashed onto the bed.

As perhaps was inevitable after the moral quandaries of the day, I dreamed of the fallen bodies of classmates, of bodies piled up against a barricade, of a room of bodies charred beyond recognition. And of a hand that grasped mine and didn't let go.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 26 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Now that I wasn't so damn cranky, I stopped in to check on our newest team member today. Ten days into Life 2.0 and I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my refurbished and upgraded body.

"How's the lab Professor?"

"Excellent! Found a few surveillance bugs…destroyed most of them, returned expensive one to Miranda. Nothing unexpected."

I laughed in appreciation. "After you get settled in I have a little side job for you."

"Of course. Will have downtime. Waiting for lab results. Statistical analysis."

"So, Professor, I've heard some interesting things about you; seems you have quite the history."

He glanced over at me while moving quickly around the lab. "You mean STG. Yes. Not simply research there. Studied Krogan genophage. Served under a Captain named Kirrahe."

I grinned. "I worked with an STG Captain named Kirrahe. His team helped me destroy Saren's cloning facility on Virmire."

"Ahh, heard he was part of that. Jury-rigged explosives – brilliant. Always got job done with limited resources. Good Captain. Bit of a cloaca though. Loved his speeches. 'Hold the Line!' Personally preferred to get the job done and go home."

I chuckled. "Yes, he did give quite the speech. And he did in fact 'hold the line' admirably. We – " I stopped short, the memory of leaving Ashley to die washing over me like a wave.

_"I'm sorry Ash. I'm so sorry."_

"_I understand Commander. I don't regret a thing."_

I took a deep breath and tried to shake the memory. " – anyway, he seemed a good, honorable man. I'm glad I was able to get him out alive."

"Yes. Good Captain. Excuse me, Commander, must get back to work. So much data."

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 2 months, 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I'm glad Wrex isn't here. If he were, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep him from killing Mordin, and we need Mordin if we are to stand any chance against the Collectors.

I went to chat with Mordin today, trying to get to know better the man who likely held all our fates in his twitchy hands. And in the course of our conversation I learned a great deal more than I wanted. I didn't need the weight of _this_, on top of everything else, on my shoulders. But nonetheless, here it was, and I now bore it. On top of everything else.

It seems the good doctor had a hand in the Krogan genophage. Not in the initial implementation, of course, but it turns out the Krogan had recently begun showing signs of adapting past the genophage, so the STG…modified it. Then redeployed it.

I really struggle with how to feel about the genophage. Intellectually, I understand what happened after the Rachni Wars. I know the Krogan Rebellion was a brutal, deadly time for the galaxy. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? There were occasions when they really did.

But the genophage has all but destroyed the Krogan species. Listening to Wrex talk about his people, about how far they had fallen, how their society had crumbled to pieces, how he held so little hope for anything – it was heartbreaking. Not that I would ever have said that to Wrex, of course, not unless I was itching for a Krogan fist in the face.

The Krogan are not an easy species to like, much less to admire. As a rule they are brutish, rude and violent; they lack much in the way of cultural or technological achievement; since wiping out the Rachni almost two thousand years ago they have done little to nothing to improve the state of the galaxy.

But get to know one, a single individual, and you find that they are as deep, as complex, as interesting and unique as any other sentient being. It turns out they are no less worthy, no less deserving, of the right to live and thrive, as any other species – certainly no less than the Turians, Salarians, and Asari who determined their fate. I wonder if Mordin had taken that into consideration when he chose to reinforce the genophage virus.

I admit, I don't know what I would have done to bring an end to the Krogan Rebellions, had I been there. But I can't countenance the action they took. I just can't.

_Dammit. _ How much of this is just my feelings of affection, of camaraderie, towards Wrex? Krogan overrunning the galaxy would be a nightmare of epic proportions. Was it a nightmare I was willing to just dump on the Council, while I sat back and gloated at my moral superiority? Not that they didn't deserve it, goddamn self-righteous blind assholes…

I stopped short and sat up straight. Faced myself clearly, painful though it was. Yes, and no. I _did_ have a soft spot for Wrex, with all his lovable flaws. But despite the occasional flight of fancy, I was all too capable of seeing the bigger picture. I wouldn't have risen so far as I had otherwise.

I _did_ know that unleashing the potential of the Krogan also meant unleashing the danger of the Krogan. And that would have to be dealt with, no doubt about it, and it likely wouldn't be easy or fun. But we did _not_ have the right to exterminate them, to sentence them to a slow, painful death. We simply didn't – none of us. Not the Council, not Mordin and his STG, and certainly not me.

I dropped my head to my palms and longed for the easy days of facing a brainwashed Turian and his army of Geth.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 3 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Well, the good news is, I got to see Wrex. And he didn't kill Mordin. Of course, I didn't tell him who Mordin was, either…

I had been playing referee, arbiter, and parent to Joker and EDI – their latest "disagreement" involved proper entries in maintenance logs – when EDI announced that Mordin needed to speak with me as soon as possible. I glared at Joker and…well, I couldn't really glare at EDI, being virtual and all…ordered them to at least _act_ like grown-ups, and went straight from the frying pan into the fire.

"Shepard! Important news, know you're busy, planning attack on Collectors, too important to wait. Not sure where to begin, too much intel!" He actually stopped and took a breath. "You remember our talk? My work on genophage modification?"

I just nodded. I certainly did.

"Good. Blood Pack mercenaries captured former teammate of mine – Maelon. Last seen on Tuchanka. Rescuing Maelon would be personal favor to me. Need to rescue him. Want to rescue him."

"Do you think they found out you updated the genophage? Because if they did…I'm sorry Mordin, but I don't see how he's alive."

"Unclear. No way to tell. Hope not."

I nodded. "It so happens we need to go to Tuchanka anyway to try to _fix_ Grunt before he destroys the ship. We'll get there as soon as we can."

"Appreciate it. My assistant – my…student. Want to see him safe."

... ... ...

Tuchanka was…a _disaster_. It looked like a hundred nuclear bombs had gone off. Which, in fact, they had, so I really shouldn't have been surprised. But it was an absolute wreck. I could understand why so many Krogan had left.

Yet Wrex had come back.

"Shepard! My friend, you look well for dead." He grasped me in a crushing embrace. "Should've known the void couldn't hold you."

I grinned while I disentangled from him and actively did _not_ rub the new pain in my shoulder. "Eh, life's too interesting to check out while the show's still going on. But it looks like you've been busy while I was...sleeping."

"Hah. I'm going to drag the Krogan together and to glory whether they like it or not. But that's a boring story; I like good stories. What brings you here? How's the Normandy?"

"Destroyed in a surprise Collector attack. I ended up spaced."

"Ahh, the benefits of a redundant nervous system…"

I grimaced. "Yeah…humans don't have that."

"Ouch! Well, it worked out. You've got a powerful new ship, and if you're here you've got a new mission. You know, seeing you takes me back to the old days. Us against the unknown, killing it all with big guns. Good times…"

I chuckled heartily. "That they were, Wrex. I miss them." I paused, closed my eyes, and willfully pushed away the emptiness constantly looking for an opportunity to overwhelm me. "So listen, we're here - among other things - to try and rescue a Salarian doctor, a colleague of my companion here." I gestured to Mordin bouncing on his heels beside me. "He was kidnapped by the Blood Pack and brought here."

"Ah, yes, I have heard rumors of this Salarian. My Scout Leader has more information, he's over that way."

"Thank you Wrex, I appreciate it." I turned to go.

"Oh, and Shepard – watch yourself out there. Tuchanka isn't safe and homey like Feros or Ilos!"

I laughed heartily, waving over my shoulder.

... ... ...

The Krogan used industrial-sized "trucks" to get around. I missed the Mako.

We infiltrated the Blood Pack camp, a repurposed – and mostly destroyed – hospital. It wasn't long before we came upon a human body lying discarded in a hallway. That was odd; I had figured I was the first human to visit Tuchanka in quite some time. Mordin rushed over and bent down over the body.

"Human. Sores. Tumors. Ligature, track marks. Test subject – victim of experimentation. Not surprising, humans useful as test subjects - genetically diverse, more variable, peaks and valleys, mutations, adaptations, larger reactions to smaller stimuli."

"Well I'm sure that was quite a comfort to this man as he lay around being tortured to death."

Mordin looked up at me sharply. "Never used humans myself. Disgusting, unethical, sloppy."

I looked at him skeptically. "Who did you use then?"

"No one. Unnecessary. No live testing on species with members capable of calculus. Simple rule, never broke it."

"Well, I guess that's…a pretty good rule…all things considered…" I shook my head and put aside the rather _arduous_ task of trying to understand Mordin for the moment. "We can't help him now. Let's go."

This section of the camp was largely deserted. A mere few rooms over a dead Krogan lay on a lab table. Mordin went up to inspect it. "Dead Krogan. Female. No restraint marks…_volunteer_." His speech slowed down for possibly the first time since I had met him. "Sterile female…willing to risk procedures, hoped for cure…_pointless_. Pointless waste of life."

I looked at him curiously. "I didn't expect you to be disturbed by this."

He whirled around to me. "What! Why? Because of genophage work? Irrelevant! No, causative! Goal was to stabilize population. _Never wanted this._ Can see it logically…but still unnecessary, foolish waste of life. Hate to see it!"

He whirled back and stared at the dead female. After a moment he reached over and closed her eyes. "Rest, young mother. Find your gods. Find someplace better."

He turned around to find me staring at him in disbelief. He coughed and looked away nervously. "Genophage work caused many emotions – humility, nature of life, death, universe. Explored religions after work completed. Different races." His voice dropped to a whisper. "No answers. Many questions."

I was surprised, shocked even, but I just couldn't feel sympathy for him. Seeing first-hand the utter ruin that was Tuchanka, Krogan "society", had killed any doubts I had about the wrongness of the genophage. It was a travesty of virtually unparalleled dimensions.

"There's no religion that will cure a guilty conscience, Mordin."

"Not guilty! But…responsible. Genophage does not kill…but still caused this. Hard to see big picture behind pile of corpses."

I paced around the lab table, agitated and frustrated. "Damn hard. _How_ do you justify this?"

"Wheel of life. Appealing to see life as endless; fix mistakes in next life. Learn. Adapt. Improve. Refuse to believe life ends here. Too wasteful. Have more to offer. Mistakes to fix. Cannot end here…could do so much more…"

I stopped pacing and sighed. I watched him _wilt_ before my eyes; watched his irrepressible energy disappear. Nothing was ever simple.

"Mordin, it's obvious your work on the genophage bothers you. You…you could have cured it instead; could have brought hope to the Krogan instead of despair."

"No – you assume human response. Krogan are different. Galactic expansion only logical outcome. More war. Genophage saved millions of lives war would have ended."

I shook my head ruefully. "I'm sure you tell yourself that at night when you go to sleep – and it may even be true – but the fact is you murdered millions as well."

"No! Not murder – affected fertility is all." He looked up to stare at me, conviction in his eyes. "Have killed many, Shepard. Many methods. Gunfire. Knives. Drugs. Tech attacks. Once with farming equipment. _But never with medicine._"

He turned away to stare at the dead female, then spoke softly. "Krogan forced genophage. Us or them. No apologies for winning." He finally looked back up. "Let's go. Find my student."

... ... ...

We found the rest of the Blood Pack, fighting and killing them through hallways and broken stairways. Three levels up it finally quieted. I opened a door to find a room notably cleaner than any I had seen during my short visit to Tuchanka. Scrubbed-to-a-shine lab tables competed for space with terminals and screens. At the largest screen stood a Salarian with his back to us.

"Maelon! Alive. Unharmed. No signs of restraint. No evidence of torture." Mordin tilted his head to the side in obvious confusion.

Maelon turned to us, a look of – oh, who was I kidding, I couldn't read Salarian facial expressions. But the tone of his voice was undeniably contempt. "For such a smart man Doctor, you've always had trouble seeing evidence that clashed with your preconceptions."

I took a deep breath; this was _not_ going to be fun.

I touched Mordin's arm gently. "He wasn't kidnapped, Mordin. He came here voluntarily to try to cure the genophage."

Mordin sputtered and started pacing. "Impossible! Whole team agreed, project necessary for health of galaxy!"

"I was your student, how was I to supposed to disagree with the _great_ Dr. Solus!"

Mordin gestured quickly towards the door as he passed near it. "Experiments – murder!" He whirled around to Maelon. "How could you do that?"

Maelon scoffed. "We've already got the blood of millions on our hands, Doctor. If it takes a bit more to put things right, I can deal with that."

I regarded Maelon speculatively. "You _honestly_ think the experiments you did here were justified?"

At last he became agitated. " We committed cultural genocide! Nothing I do will ever be justified! The experiments _were_ monstrous…" He glared threateningly at Mordin. "…because I was taught to be a monster."

Mordin stopped pacing and met Maelon's gaze. "No. Never taught you _this_ Maelon."

"You taught me that the end justifies the means. We justified this atrocity by saying the Krogan would cause war and chaos. But look around you, is this a more peaceful galaxy due to our actions?" He gestured violently at the screens. "Don't you _see_? We tried to play god and we _failed_! We only made things worse…and I'm going to fix it." He turned back to the terminal and made as if he was going to resume working.

I looked sideways at Mordin. His face was contorting through various expressions and his hands couldn't seem to find a home. I spoke quietly, calmly, but with unmistakable seriousness, "Mordin, what do you want to do?"

He answered, but didn't seem to really be talking to me. "Unethical experiments. No justification. No choice." His fidgeting hands reached for his gun and raised it to Maelon.

_Jesus, Mordin_ – I quickly reached out and put a firm hand on the arm holding the gun, guiding it downward with a measured but clear amount of force. "_Wait_. You don't need to do this, Mordin. I'm sorry for what I said before – I don't believe you're a murderer."

He quit fighting my hand on his arm and it fell limply to his side. He hung his head, all energy evaporating in a flash. His voice was quiet, flat. "No…not a murderer." He looked up enough to meet my eyes. "Thank you, Shepard."

I smiled kindly and nodded.

Then he straightened up and his voice became cold, hard. "Finished, Maelon. Get out. Project over." Maelon turned around but didn't otherwise move, seeming uncertain about how to react.

I gave him five entire seconds to move before stepping in. "You heard the Professor. Better get out before he changes his mind." There was threat in my eyes, on the off chance he could read human expressions.

Perhaps he could. His bravado collapsed and he started pacing in agitation. "Where can I go? What should I do?"

Mordin hadn't moved. "Don't care. Try Omega. Can always use another clinic."

"The Krogan didn't deserve this – the genophage must end!"

Mordin's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Not like this."

Maelon threw his hands up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Mordin dropped his head back down. "Apologies Commander. Misunderstood mission parameters. No kidnapping. My mistake. Thank you."

I shook my head gently. "Mordin…I understand. But…are you okay?"

"Should have killed him. Easier. Easier than listening."

If I knew him better I would have hugged him, comforted him with more than words. But he was a very difficult man to know, and it wasn't my right. So I just gave him his space and showed no inclination to leave until he was ready.

He moved to the primary terminal and started searching. "Maelon's research. Only loose end. Could destroy it. Product of evil actions. But valuable. Work could cure genophage. Don't know. Effects on Krogan. Effects on galaxy. Too many variables. Too many variables!"

He started to slam his fist into the terminal; I grabbed it. I spoke in as soothing a voice as I could muster. "Hey, hey – it's okay…"

He turned to look at me. "I don't know what to do."

"_Keep_ the data Mordin."

He nodded. "Yes. Correct thing…right thing…to do."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 1 day until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Sigh. Yes, I just wrote the word "sigh." Because that is what I am doing, and there isn't a better word to express it.

When we got back to the Normandy day before yesterday Mordin had wandered off to the lab, head hung low. So I had let him be. Then yesterday I had to kill a fucking _thresher maw_ for Grunt – I know, I know, team, squad, battlemaster, etc., etc. But, well, I was the one with the BFG…

Anyway. I was dying to talk with Mordin about all that had happened, so I went by to see him today. I found him practically dancing around the lab, flitting from terminal to screen to experiment glovebox. He glanced up when I walked in but didn't slow his path.

"Still can't believe Maelon betrayed me. Disgusted by his actions! Proud of his nerve though…always thought he lacked a backbone. Hope he finds something new. Better goal. Better purpose. Fewer torture tests."

I stood halfway into the lab, head cocked to the side, mouth slightly opened. _Wha–?_

I turned my head to the opposite side and narrowed my eyes at him. "You're…really okay with what happened?"

Mordin danced around his lab (and make no mistake, it was _his_ lab). "Yes, of course. Can't change what happened. Back to work." He glanced up at me and seemed to realize his behavior may require some explanation. "Salarian emotional processing faster than other species. Has to be. Short-lived culture. Can't spend time reminiscing."

Reminiscing…? Not exactly the issue. "You…_really_…don't feel bad…?"

Mordin nodded decisively as he poked at a swarm creature in the glovebox. "Correct. Now, at least. Distressed at time –" He looked up at me to emphasize the point "– stages of grief, loss, anger, dealt with it. Some issues settled on Tuchanka, some on shuttle back to Normandy, rest overnight."

I looked at him suspiciously. "Maelon didn't seem like _he_ processed his emotional responses quickly."

"True. Didn't mean to imply Salarians were healthier emotionally. Can still make wrong choices, bad decisions – from grief, anger, guilt. Salarians still feel – just resolve it quickly."

I finally nodded, accepting – for the moment – his assertion. There were other, more fundamental, considerations.

"What about the research."

He glanced up again. "What about it? Have it over there somewhere. Have to focus on Collectors for now. Appreciate your help on Tuchanka." He paused a second and seemed to frown a bit. "Lots to do. Talk later?"

I stared at him a moment, a look of utter confoundment surely plastered on my face. After a moment I shook my head and walked away. What else could I do?

He was as frustrating and incomprehensible as a gaggle of fourteen year old _boys_had ever been.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 12 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

So Mordin thinks I made a pass at him. Maybe. Or maybe he was pulling my chain. I swear, every conversation with that Salarian leaves me either doubled-over in laughter or absolutely speechless – in shock or in horror. Sometimes both. Sometimes all three.

He saved our asses on Horizon though, and he'll probably save them again. I just can't figure out whether he's doing all this as a measure of atonement for the genophage modification (and who knows what else), or merely as a scientific challenge to be conquered. I'll suspect it's the former, but then he'll go off on some tangent or other and…I don't know. It doesn't matter of course, except for my own edification. It's just…I really want to understand the man; I have ever since I first met him. Not sure I ever will.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SEVENTH ENTRY: 3 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Wow. Just…wow. He…_sang_.

I should back up a little bit. We were having dinner, after a fashion. Gardner had been, after a few early missteps, doing an admirable job of juggling the varied dietary needs of half a dozen species, and after a while a routine of gathering more or less together at more or less dinner time had developed – at least on travel days.

Not everyone was there of course. Samara was meditating, per usual. Jack was, well, not present. Zaeed was oiling his guns…or something…or whatever.

Mordin didn't typically appear for communal food gatherings. If questioned, he just muttered something about data analysis and kept going. But tonight he appeared, a bounce in his step. He fluttered about, obviously looking for someone with which to share the thoughts surely bursting in the confines of his brain. So I took a deep breath and approached him at the counter. I just wasn't ready to give up on The Great Quest To Understand Mordin Solus. Call me a glutton for punishment.

"Good evening, Doctor. How go the Collector studies? I imagine our Collector Ship infiltration has provided a lot of new data to analyze."

"Yes. Lots of data. Most enlightening. Time on Tuchanka set me to thinking. About cultural matters. Examination of Collector Ship confirmed suspicions. Collectors were once Protheans, but have been modified, adapted over tens of thousands of years to Reaper purposes. No longer have culture. No art, no literature, no music. Sad."

Okay, _sure_, what the hell – I was game. "I didn't realize you had any interest in the arts?"

He glanced over at me, fork in mid-air. "Of course! Found time in my early studies to explore arts. Music in particular. Even did a little performing. Multi-species productions for cultural exploration. Gilbert and Sullivan. Always had me do the patter songs."

I dropped my head and raised an eyebrow. "Wait. You…sang?"

"Absolutely." He placed his fork on the plate, stood up straight, and stepped to the center of the room.

_I am the very model of a scientist Salarian,  
>I've studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian.<em>

_I'm quite good at genetics (as a subset of biology),  
>Because I am an expert (which I know is a tautology).<em>

_My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian,_  
><em>I am the very model of a scientist Salarian!<em>

As his arms spread out wide in a grand finale, Kasumi stood up on her chair and began clapping dramatically. "Bravo!" The others picked up on the vibe, closed their respective gaping mouths, and joined in the applause. Thane even stepped out as a mock emcee and gestured grandly to Mordin as he bowed to everyone.

I grinned broadly and giggled in delight, applauding appreciatively. For just a moment I felt at peace. This crazy bunch of misfit savant killers was my crew, my team. They would kill for me. And together we would surely save everyone.

Mordin glanced over at me in between his bows and I gave him a knowing, understanding smile of surrender. _You win, Mordin._ You win.


	23. Kasumi

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 23 **

"**Kasumi"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is (mostly) canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Kasumi Goto**

**LAST UPDATE: 3 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 3 months, 1 day until activation of Omega 4<strong>** Relay**_

I met Kasumi in the strangest way – a talking advertisement on the Citadel. That in and of itself isn't so strange, advertisements talk all the time. My new favorite is one that says _"Shepard, I see you have been recently dead…."_ Why yes I have – thanks for noticing! But in this instance, the talking advertisement happened to _be_ Kasumi – and when I talked to it, it talked back.

The advertisement smiled under a hooded cloak. "Commander Shepard."

I raised an eyebrow at the…advertisement. "How do you know who I am?"

The advertisement looked at me speculatively. "There's a certain…_aura_…about you, like you've seen things no one else has. Even without knowing what you looked like, I knew it was you."

…_Terra Nova dominated the sky, looming impossibly large over the asteroid. She swore she could reach out and touch it. It was stunning..._

…_Ilos was strange, exotic, beautiful, and wild. It was as if a magical spell was draped over everything – each step seemed to whisper 50,000 years' worth of secrets, of stories, of lives…_

_...The arms of the Citadel extended out in every direction. A million lights of civilization twinkled around her, dancing in a rhythm that sang life. She could feel it in her skin, in her mind, in her heartbeat..._

"Commander?"

I gave the slightest grin. "Sorry, I was just thinking about a few of those things I've seen."

"Ah…perhaps you can tell me about them one evening."

"I take you are coming with me on my 'mission' then?"

"Cerberus has made me a fine offer to do just that. All I ask in return is your help on a little…job."

I had other things on my mind – Alliance/Council/Kaidan/Collectors/Reapers – so I just smiled and nodded. "I'm sure that won't be a problem…and I'm guessing I'll do it even if it is."

The non-flashing-neon Kasumi shimmered into view on the catwalk above. "In that case, I'll see you on your ship, Commander." I nodded in appreciation and she took a slight bow before disappearing into the shadows. I moved on to a nerve-wracking struggle with the Council and Anderson, followed by a soul-searching evening with no easy choices.

As we flew towards Omega to begin acquiring those whom the Illusive Man had so _helpfully_ selected, I went to check in on our new guest.

"So why did you decide to take up residence in the bar?"

Kasumi grinned broadly. "It's a heavy traffic area; this way I get to hear all the gossip."

I shrugged. "Okay, that works. On that note, want a drink? I picked up a lovely wine on the Citadel; Kaid– " I stopped myself. No need to go there first thing. "I recently discovered it. It's quite delicious."

She regarded me with a twinkle in her eye and a thoughtful smile on her face. "Certainly, then."

I grabbed two glasses and popped the cork. For a second the aroma transported me back; I could almost feel the ocean breeze on my skin and his fingers running through my hair. It seemed like yesterday. I shivered slightly and shook it off, pouring the glasses and joining Kasumi on the couch.

"So tell me about this heist…"

It was several hours before I left the Port Observation room. Kasumi was a fascinating girl, and a very, very welcome change from the ship full of Cerberus operatives, affiliates and spies. A little sad though. She tried to hide it behind witty repartee and enigmatic retorts – but I could see it, undulating just below the surface. Pain.

Who knows, maybe a galaxy-spanning quest to save humanity would help with that. Or maybe, just maybe, I could help…maybe we could even help each other.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 25 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

"I'm wearing…_that_?" I looked over at Kasumi threateningly.

"Don't be so cross – you'll look ravishing."

It wasn't that I had anything against evening wear. Hell, in the weeks after the attack on the Citadel I'd spent fully a quarter of my time in it, what with all the damn parties. But I didn't give a lot of thought – okay, any thought – to the latest fashion trends, or _any_ fashion trends. Just give me a simple sleeveless sheath of a dress in a rich, solid color and I was good to go. Comfortable, flattering, easy. But all of those dresses had burnt up over Alchera.

This, however, was…this was…revealing. Sexy. Slutty? If not, damn close.

I sighed and looked over at her in resignation. "Okay, but if I have to punch some guy because he tries to cop a feel, I'm holding you responsible for the consequences."

... ... ...

"Bekenstein – 'the humans' Ilium'. A place where new money tycoons flaunt their wealth and the have-nots are rarely spoken of."

The shuttle VI informed us of this and other helpful facts as we broke through the lower atmosphere and turned towards Hock's estate. I hit "Mute", turned to Kasumi, and grinned. "Two minute briefing – go."

She nodded. "You're Allison Gunn. You run a small but talented band of mercs out in the Terminus Systems. I took the liberty of giving you a reputation, including a recent expose in a popular underground zine. Just don't start talking business with him, and you'll be fine."

"You don't think I can bluff being a merc runner?"

"Okay, fine. Just…no reason to push it, okay? Anyway, Donovan Hock is a weapons dealer and smuggler. Rich, charismatic, willing to crack open a man's skull to get at the neural implants inside. Which is pretty much what he did to my partner – and lover – Keiji." She looked away out the window for a moment before turning back, her face slightly colder. "He's throwing a party for his closest 'friends', all bringing gifts as a tribute to the man himself." Then she grinned mischievously. "Your tribute is a lovely statue of your old – and vanquished – nemesis Saren. Filled to the brim with our armor and weapons of course. We need to find Hock's vault, then we'll case the security, crack it, take Keiji's graybox, and walk away." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And I'll finally get a chance to say goodbye."

I looked over at her kindly but seriously. "It's not just about that though, right?"

"No. Hock killed him for a reason. Keiji broke into somewhere he shouldn't have, found something he shouldn't have. He never told me what it was, but he said if it got out, humanity would be in trouble. To hide the information, he encrypted it in his memories…to get to it, you have to sift through all our time together." She swallowed and lifted her chin. "It would be virtually impossible to crack, but Hock isn't the kind of man to back down from a challenge. He wants that secret."

As we banked towards the landing pad, I took a deep breath, rolled my shoulders, tousled my hair a bit (more), and turned to Kasumi. "Allison Gunn, at your pleasure."

She whistled at me appreciatively. "Da-amn."

"Let's do this."

There is an old military saying that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. The saying has stuck around so long for one simple reason – it's usually true.

We were greeted at the shuttle by Mr. Hock himself. I extended a graceful hand. "I've heard a lot about you Mr. Hock – name's Allison Gunn."

He took my hand and raised it to his lips. "And I about you. The images on the extranet did not do you justice."

I smiled dangerously at him. Hey, I was a merc runner – I was _supposed_ to be dangerous.

"Welcome to my…celebration." His eyes flicked over my shoulder. "You brought a guest."

"Yes, my business associate, Ms. Gardner."

He frowned. "I am terribly sorry, Miss Gunn, but I must ask Ms…Gardner to stay behind. Security, you understand."

I didn't even blink. "It's your party."

He made a semi-bow and backed away. "Enjoy."

After he disappeared up the stairs I turned to Kasumi, an eyebrow raised. "Plan B?"

Her brow was furrowed. "We go on with Plan A."

"You _do_ know I can't hack, right?"

She grinned. "Yeah, Garrus told me. It's okay. You'll just need to do all the talking, and I'll be invisi-girl." She made a small motion with her hand and shimmered out of existence.

I whistled softly. "That's just…_neat_."

I turned and strode up the stairs and into the den of thieves.

The next half-hour consisted of a game of detective the likes of which would make any pre-teen adventure novelist proud. I alternated floating around the grounds, making glib conversation with truly vile people when required, with sneaking down stairways and through doorways hacked open by invisi-girl.

We slipped back out of Hock's bedroom and down the hallway to find him giving a grand, pompous speech in front of his _indoor_ fountain. "…Few understand the lengths we go to keep the barbarians at bay. People these days want comfort, entertainment, love. They don't see that the galaxy is fragile. This party is for us, the cleaners, the support structure for the galaxy's gleeful delusions of peace. May there always be a market for the things we do." He tipped his wine glass the crowd then raised it to his lips. Applause reverberated through the room.

How _dare_ he. Few understand the lengths _we_ go to keep the barbarians – barbarians like him – at bay. The galaxy definitely _is_ fragile – in his arrogance he had no idea just _how_ fragile. But he didn't hold it together. _I _ did. Kaidan did. Anderson did. Hackett did. As much as I often hated to admit it, the Council did – most of the time. And I would do everything in my power to make certain the inhabitants of the galaxy _kept_ their gleeful delusion of peace. It was my – all of our – gift to them.

I was suddenly much more invested in Kasumi's mission.

I moved to slip back down the stairs to the vault, passing a conversation as I went – "Some say Commander Shepard is still alive." "Really…wishful thinking at best."

I tried not to chuckle at the wishful thinking that I was alive. Too much of that and it might go to my head…as if being coined "Savior of the Citadel" hadn't. But…what if I _were_ dead, and people talked about me like that? I would never hear it, never know it, because I would be gone…

_Take note Graceyn, there is indeed no greater gift than to be alive. In your weakest moments, remember this._

When I got downstairs Kasumi had cracked all the locks and was working on the door. The drawer in Saren's base was open, displaying an array of armor and weapons. But I didn't immediately grab my gear. Instead I stared at the statue a moment. Other than being gold, it was a very good likeness.

I could see his hands on my neck on Virmire. I could also see him blow his brains out, a pitiful shadow of his former self. Yet he had very nearly been the catalyst that destroyed the world.

"Shepard? As stunning as you look in that dress, I'd personally feel better if you at least took a gun into the vault…"

I shook my head clear of the memory and reached into the drawer. "Not to worry. I'll take a lot more than that."

We entered a cavernous warehouse, filled nearly to the brim with treasures and artifacts from a hundred worlds. I surveyed the room from the entrance while Kasumi wound through the aisles, stroking art and caressing sculptures. "Michelangelo's David! Just…wow. Think we could get this out through the door?"

I grinned at her. "Nope."

She sighed. "Alas."

Another minute later she gasped from a nearby aisle. "Oh my god…there it is."

I moved next to her to see an unremarkable neural implant in a small container. She started to fiddle with it, but I touched her arm. "You have the rest of your life to spend with it. But now we need to go." She nodded and we moved to leave out the back door, when we were met with an oversized hologram of Hock's face.

Dear _god_ what an ego this man had.

"Don't bother Miss Goto. I'll admit your skills are impressive – you got into my vault like I'd left it open. But I will kill you rather than let you leave with that graybox."

He seemed to barely notice me in his verbal sparring with Kasumi. It was entertaining, but every second we stood there was another second his mercs had to move into position. We _needed_ to go. I eyed a particularly large and elegant sculpture in a place of relative honor – pulled out my pistol – and shot it. It shattered in a hundred pieces to the floor.

The hologram screamed out in rage.

I smirked at him. "Have I got your attention?"

"You will PAY for that!"

"You'll have to catch me first." I turned and ducked behind a pedestal and took off down the aisle towards the door, Kasumi right behind me.

To call the battle that followed "easy" would be unfair. Hock employed an impressive arsenal of mercs and droids who certainly posed a challenge. But Kasumi was good – one of the best I'd seen, particularly at her age – and I was, well, _better_. Over the course of a thousand bullets and a hundred mass effect fields, in the end it always boiled down to simply that. I was better. We both were.

Then – oh, _terrific_, another gunship. Did _everyone_ have one of these stashed in their garage these days? I ducked down next to Kasumi and she glanced over. "Can that shiny thing on your back take out its shields?"

"Worked last time" I muttered.

She nodded. "Get those shields down and I'll take care of the rest."

I raised an eyebrow at her, but she just smiled. "Trust me." Then she was gone.

_Okay_, should be fun. I yanked out the Arc Projector, threw up a _barrier_, and stepped out into the fire. I ignored the few remaining droids and let loose a barrage at the gunship.

A minute later I yelled, "Shields are down!" across the platform to Kasumi. She nodded, then…_scaled_ the platform scaffolding, jumping from rail to rail as if she were weightless. When she reached the top she waited the briefest moment for the gunship to swing in her direction, then she _leapt_. She was suspended in the air for an eternity, then sank to the top of the gunship just as it passed underneath her.

_God. Damn._

Her omni-tool glowed for a second, then sparks started flying out of multiple areas of the gunship as it began rocking violently. She looked in the windshield, gave Hock her middle finger, then jumped. Two crates to slow her descent and she landed softly on the ground, one knee bending and one hand to the floor to steady herself. Meanwhile, the gunship landed decidedly less softly a hundred yards behind us in the sea and broke apart in fire.

I stared at her, a look of awe on my face. She stood up and grinned. "That was fun."

"I don't even…how did you…that was fucking _amazing_!"

She took a dramatic bow. "Why thank you dahling."

Finally I shook my head. "Okay then. Let's…get out of here."

The jovial atmosphere soon dissipated on the shuttle as Kasumi stood by the window fondling the graybox. Eventually she entered some commands and a hologram of a young man came to life. "If you're seeing this, it's because I'm dead. The information I found is all here. It's _big_. If the Council ever got wind of this, the Alliance could be implicated. If anyone knows about this, then I've made you a target, my love. I'm so, _so_ sorry. I know you'll want to keep these files, but you don't need some neural implant to know that I'll always be with you. Please destroy the files – they are too dangerous."

Kasumi blurted out at the hologram – "I can't do that, this is all that's left of you!"

But of course the hologram did not hear her. "Goodbye Kasumi. I'll always love you."

The hologram faded and revealed the window and the stars beyond it. Kasumi leaned her head against the window dejectedly. My heart broke for her. But then I spared a selfish thought – _was this what Kaidan had felt when I was _gone_? Was I arrogant for thinking he might have felt so deeply as that? I wouldn't have wanted this pain for him. Dammit, where _is_ he?_

Moment over – back to being the _Commander_ – back to caring for Kasumi. I spoke gently. "Is there any way we can just destroy the data, but keep the memories?"

She shook her head slowly. "No. Keiji's a master a encrypting files – he laced the files _into_ his memories. You can't get one without experiencing the other."

This was a difficult choice, complicated further by my convoluted allegiances – and duty? – to both the Alliance and the Council. I wasn't overly surprised that somewhere, sometime, someone in the Alliance had done something _bad_. I wasn't keen to disrupt humanity's burgeoning status in Council Space with a scandal. But I _also_ didn't care to excuse it and thus take the first step down a path that led straight to corruption and my world turning various shades of grey.

And then there was Kasumi – sweet, sad behind the mask, wonderful, talented Kasumi. Left alone in the world when she had just started living. She didn't care what the secret was or its impact on galactic politics. She just wanted her love.

I closed my eyes and made a decision. "If it's that important to you, keep it. Just make sure you're ready to live with the consequences."

She looked up at me, light in her eyes. "I will – I am. I know how to stay off the grid, to not exist. I…I really think I want this." I smiled as my friend hugged me. "Thank you Shepard."

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 2 months, 21 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I gave her several days of space before going to see her. I found her standing at the window, staring out at the stars beyond. It took her five or so seconds to notice my presence, but then she turned and smiled. A bittersweet but not sad smile.

"Do you want to know it?"

She didn't need to say anything else. I had given a fair amount of thought to the matter. I _really_ did want to know. I was curious by nature. _Intensely_ curious. And loyalty to the Alliance aside, if they had done wrong they should face the consequences. Yet…well, I had already decided the answer, I was just checking with myself one last time.

I shook my head. "No, don't tell me. If I know, it will just distract me. I'll spend entirely too much time stewing over it – and I have more urgent matters to focus on. Keep the secret. For now at least."

She nodded and moved off the window to sit on the couch, leaning back against the cushions. "It's nice to have him back, you know. As much as I thought I missed him, I had no idea until I saw him again." She paused. "Virtually, of course. There's nothing…new…in there; it's all things I've experienced before – for real. It will never change, never grow, there will never be anything else. But…" She looked up at me. "It's _so_ much better than nothing. Thank you."

I smiled at her. "Take good care of it." I turned to go, but she called out after me.

"And, Shepard – don't worry about me. I'm good to go, whenever you need me. I won't let this…I won't let you down."

"I know you won't."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 months, 22 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Given recent events, I've been thinking a lot about how I got _here_. And about how I can get _out_, get back to the life I once knew. Eventually an idea began to develop. A risky, long-shot of an idea.

Kasumi was the best hacker on the ship, bar none – she had to be to have pulled off all those shenanigans. Maybe not better than Tali, but Tali wasn't here yet, and even if she agreed to join me I wouldn't lay something like this on her first thing. Luckily enough, Kasumi was also the only person on the ship other than Garrus that I would trust with such a task.

Over the last month, Kasumi and I had become, well, best friends. I didn't have many friends in this new life, and she was the best one. While I made an effort to show attention and interest to everyone on the team, if I had some downtime and felt the need for companionship, I often found myself with her. She had told me the stories behind all her prized "possessions", mementos from a very busy life of thievery –about the painting she had intended to steal only to find it in the process of being taken; of how she tackled the thief to the floor only to meet the love of her life; about the art painted for her by a child prodigy after Kasumi had rescued her from slavers; of her collection of printed novels, both pulp and priceless. She had already lived a life of remarkable adventure.

Still, this was an enormous thing to ask of her. It wasn't that I thought she couldn't handle the responsibility; it was just that I didn't like to ask of others what I couldn't do myself. But in this case I had no choice. I gazed around my quarters; I was growing accustomed to the relative luxury. But like most things, it was a Cerberus trap, a snare designed to wear down my resistance. Resolved, I stood up and went to visit Kasumi.

She was sprawled out on the couch reading one of her old romance novels, but sat up and smiled when I came in.

"Shepard, I'm so glad you came by. " She tilted her head a bit. "You look…better. Better than I've seen you since…well, you know."

I flopped down on the couch and grinned sheepishly. "I got a message from him yesterday. It wasn't exactly a declaration of undying – or irrespective of dying I guess – love, but it was…_something_. Enough. Enough for now."

"I'm glad. And relieved. I knew that, despite what I saw, he must be a good man for _you_ to love him."

I looked over at her sharply.

"Well, you do, don't you? Love him?"

I looked down and shook my head in surrender. No point in running from it any longer. "Yeah…yeah, I do. I really do." It was a relief to say it aloud. God, I was grinning like an idiot; next thing I knew I would be shouting it from rooftops…

I tried to refocus then looked over at her. "Have you swept for bugs recently? I _really_ don't want to be overheard."

She grinned. "Every evening. It usually takes them several days to get new ones in here. We're clear."

I nodded. "Alright then. I have a question and a proposition for you. You can absolutely, positively say 'no'; _I will completely understand_. It's unfair of me to even ask, so if you have any misgivings, _please_ say no. Okay?"

"Ooh, this is going to be fun."

I chuckled. "You miiiight want to reserve judgment on that. Okay – first, the question. Can you hack EDI?"

Her eyes widened for just a second at the sheer audacity of the question, but she quickly absorbed it and the wheels behind her eyes began to spin. "How long do I have?"

"Until we finish putting together the team _and_ find a way through the Omega 4 Relay. Weeks, at least."

She looked down for a moment, deep in thought. Then she looked back up at me and gave a brisk nod. "Yes. I can do it."

"I lied – there are two questions. Can you do it undetected?"

She smiled. "Well it would hardly count if I was detected, now would it?"

I returned the smile but then grew serious. "You know I have no love for Cerberus – and I think you agree with me on that." She smirked and nodded firmly. "I am not here, on this ship, because they brought me back; I am here solely because I was given no other options for stopping the Collector attacks. I don't trust the Illusive Man's stated motives for backing this mission; after Horizon I don't trust anything about him – not that I ever did. When the mission is over, I fully intend to tell him to go fuck himself and walk away."

"But I fear that isn't going to be enough. I would like – if you agree, again, completely your choice, no strings attached – I would like you to extract as much information as you can regarding Cerberus from EDI's files. I don't mean EDI any harm, and I don't intend to take action against any of the Cerberus crew that are helping us. Not against Miranda. Not against Jacob. Not against Ken or Gabby. But I need everything you can get on Cerberus – their structure, their funding sources, their protocols, their operations. And if you happen across files on my…resurrection…those too."

She nodded, her mind obviously already racing around the problem, then looked at me. "What are you going to do with it? Are you going to give it to the Alliance?"

"I honestly don't know yet. Would you be comfortable with it if I did? I realize you know something… unsavory…about them…"

She hesitated a moment before answering. "Yeah…I'd be okay with that. All organizations are corrupt; I know the Alliance mostly tries to do good. And I can't think of any organization _better_ than them. So…yeah."

I gazed over at her. "So what do you think?"

She grinned. "I think it sounds like a capital idea. I was bored to tears anyway – I mean, I've read this novel a dozen times already. It will be a great challenge, and great fun."

I impulsively reached over and hugged her. "Thank you. _Really._ Now listen, I want you to be extremely careful. Go slowly. Take as much time as you need. If at any point you think you might get caught, stop. I'll take whatever you get. I don't want to put you in _any_ danger over this."

She laughed. "Don't be silly, Shepard – you put me in danger every time we go on a mission. And I love it."

"I know…but this is different. This is a personal favor for me, and one that could put both of us in the Cerberus cross-hairs. I hate asking; if there was any other way I would take it."

"I want to help you, Shepard – and I hate these guys. Besides, it's been a while since I've had an impossible job to pull off brilliantly. I look forward to adding this to my _very_ long list of spectacular feats that no one will ever know of."

I stood up. "Okay." I smiled at her before leaving. "Good luck. And _thank you_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 3 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I went to see Kasumi yesterday to see if she wanted to go on Legion's mission to take out the Geth "heretics"; I found her curled up on her couch, holographic visor in place, having traded the real world for the virtual one of Keiji's memories. I didn't disturb her; I couldn't. I do worry about her though.

Whenever she is with the rest of us, she is engaged, active, as on the ball as ever; her combat skills haven't diminished in the slightest. If anything, they have improved; she moves quick as lightning and quiet as a mouse. And she did everything I asked of her and more – she gave me a chance, a pathway out; one that I have already set in motion.

But she spends more and more hours lost in her virtual paradise. And who could blame her? Wouldn't anyone be greatly tempted to do the same if the option was offered them? Live with the constant pain of loss of the one you loved, try to hold on to the memories – to the vision of their face – as time steadily eroded them away? Or immerse yourself in those memories, forever perfect, never fading, living _in_ them as they happened over and over?

I don't begrudge her the choice. And I don't regret allowing her to make the choice. But I do worry about her.


	24. Whispers

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 24**

"**Whispers"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

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><p><em><strong><span>Chapter Note<span>**: There is a bit of a time dilation effect at the end of this chapter. The last two sections occur essentially simultaneously, with an event linking them together._

* * *

><p><em><strong>17 days since Resurrection || <strong>__**2 months, 18 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

She was reading over the dossier for "Jack" with a growing sense of dread when Joker interrupted her.

"Commander? I know we're headed towards Purgatory, but we just picked up an automated distress call."

EDI broke in. "Scans depict a rapidly decaying derelict ship in orbit of the planet Jonus. Registration matches the MSV Broken Arrow. The ship's manifest notes volatile munitions cargo onboard. If left undisturbed, the ship's trajectory will lead to impact with Jonus within the hour. There is a high probability that the crash site will be Fargone, Jonus's largest human colony. I have also detected Geth signatures aboard the MSV Broken Arrow."

Joker came back on. "We're close, Commander. With FTL we can be there in half an hour."

_Thank god, we don't have to get Jack yet_. She quickly chastised herself for the thought. A human colony was in grave danger, and that was _not_ a cause for celebration. Still…

A derelict ship with no apparent power – she was going to need to take the grease monkeys with her. "Joker, get us there. EDI, tell Garrus and Jacob to gear up and get to the shuttle ASAP."

She met them at the shuttle. "Gentlemen, good news – we get to be heroes. All we have to do is power up a derelict ship before it falls from orbit and crashes into a fairly large human colony. Oh – and there will be Geth. Any questions?"

Garrus thought a second. "How long will we have to get the power on?"

"EDI?"

"I cannot give an accurate estimate until you are aboard the ship and I can access additional data. Less than half an hour."

She raised an eyebrow at Garrus.

"_Half an_…I'm sure it won't be a problem."

They boarded the Broken Arrow five minutes later. As Garrus unlocked the main bay doors, EDI gave them an update.

"Shepard, the ship's orbit is deteriorating rapidly; collision with the planet's surface is imminent. I am transmitting to you a countdown until irreversible collision. I should also inform you that once collision is certain, you will have very little time to get off the ship."

She glanced down at her omni-tool after picking up a datapad off the floor and scanning it. "It's a self-destruct scenario, so no mechanical failure at lea – _Six Minutes!_" She breathed out in a whisper. _"Fuck."_

Apparently a rather loud whisper – Garrus and Jacob both turned abruptly to look at her.

"Don't stand there staring at me – MOVE!"

They met their first Geth opposition through the next door. Luckily, it was the next-to-last door. Unluckily, the _last_ door revealed the engine room – with a squad of Geth entrenched on the second floor. Two balconies extended out into the room. She quickly scanned the area – there was no obvious way to get up to those balconies, and they didn't have time to double back. The Geth had superior position and cover. _Shit._

"Cover, _now_." Garrus dove to the left, Jacob to the right; she ran forward. Ducking low against some machinery, she glanced at the timer. _3:47_. _Shit_.

"Garrus, snipe them down when they poke their flashlights out. Jacob, keep the rest occupied. I'm going for the first power coupling."

She threw up a _barrier_ and ran, low but otherwise confident they would have her back. She yanked the power lever and hurried back to her meager cover.

Jacob yelled from his position across the stairway. "Commander, we're taking them out, but more just keep coming! How the hell many are up there?"

"At least they aren't coming downstairs yet – keep them pinned up there. I'm headed for the other power coupling."

She took a deep breath then bolted across the room and yanked the lever without stopping. A number of lights came on, but the engine remained silent. She turned to run to relative safety – saw a Geth sight down point-blank on her – then Jacob _pulled_ him off the balcony and shot him.

She slid into cover next to Jacob and nodded appreciatively at him. "Thank you."

He seemed a little embarrassed. "Never know whether a _barrier_ will hold or not, can't take any chances."

"Nope." She checked the timer. _1.16._ _Shit._

Garrus came on the comm from across the room. "I see a control panel up at the top of these stairs. It's got to have a way to shut off the self-destruct."

She was closer. "I'm going. Get up there as soon as you can."

She created the strongest _barrier_ she possibly could – she wouldn't be able to spare any offensive biotic attacks while it was up – and took off up the staircase. Three floors. Geth shooting. _Tick. Tock._

She reached the control panel and scanned it quickly. Code-locked.

She couldn't do it, not in – she glanced down – _42 seconds_.

She had a secret she hadn't yet shared with anyone. Faced with a string of lonely nights that would be…unhealthy…to spend with the thoughts in her head, she had at long last begun studying tech and hacking these last two weeks, often into the wee hours of the morning. It was preferable to the endless nightmares of asphyxiation, occasionally spiced up with remnants of the Prothean visions. But at this early point she was as a child learning her ABC's. Not ready for this.

"Garrus! Get your ass up here!"

"A little busy!" he yelled, voice raspy with exertion.

She looked down the staircase. Three Geth had entered the engine room and were blocking his path to the stairs. There was no good cover from both the Geth on the main floor _and_ the Geth on the balcony.

She dropped her _barrier_, stepped out – exposed – immediately created a _singularity_ on top of the Geth on the main floor, then quickly moved back against the control panel.

As soon as the Geth were in the air Garrus ran for the stairs.

"Cover him, Jacob!"

He reached her and the control panel. _26 seconds._

His fingers flew over the panel, accompanied by a string of colorful Turian curses. _14 seconds._

The panel turned green and the engines hummed to life.

She dropped her head back against the wall and exhaled. "Holy. _Fuck_."

Garrus sank down to the floor against the control panel and chuckled. "That was…close."

"You have _no_ idea." She held up her omni-tool, now blinking a steady _0:13_.

His eyes widened.

Jacob came running up the stairs. "The balconies are clear – I think we _finally_ got them all, or they bailed when the engines – " He froze, staring at the blinking numbers above her arm. He finally shook his head. "_Damn_, Commander. Are things always this interesting around you?"

She wiped sweat off her brow and grinned over at him. "Nah, there are definitely…occasional…days where I'm fairly sure we aren't going to die a horrible death."

... ... ...

She had hit the treadmill for a solid hour in an attempt to burn off the adrenaline. She stepped out of the shower to be immediately greeted by EDI.

"Commander, Kasumi has asked that you stop by when you get a minute."

"Okay, thank you EDI." She dressed, grabbed an energy bar and headed towards the Port Observation Room. She walked in to find Kasumi – and Jacob, Garrus, Gabby, Ken and some other guy from engineering whose name she couldn't recall – scattered about on the couches and the floor, all with drinks in hand. She leaned against the doorframe and raised an eyebrow at the crowd.

Kasumi jumped up. "Shepard, yay, you're here! We've having a little party on account of you guys having such a close call today. I picked up some 'elasa' – it's this delish Asari liquor – and have been saving it for a worthy night. It was decided by public acclimation that tonight is a worthy night. Let me fix you a glass."

…_They had been back on the Normandy for just over a week when they had located and wiped out a spectacularly large Geth stronghold. With Wrex, Garrus, Tali and Liara all off the Normandy and following their own paths, the hard work had in large part been up to she and Kaidan. The Normandy had acquired some talented new marines, but they were inexperienced at fighting Geth - well, before that day anyway. Regardless, it had been an intense, hours-long fight, testing all their skills. And they had won with flair, style and big explosions. It had called for a celebration._

_ Joker, Chakwas and Adams had joined them all in the mess and they had cracked open several bottles of elasa – a parting gift from Liara. What had followed was a lively, occasionally raucous evening of increasingly-embellished storytelling. They had regaled the new guys with tales of the chase after Saren._

_ Kaidan was not a heavy drinker; it was just part of him always keeping control. Only he didn't realize just how potent elasa was; neither did she. But it turned out Kaidan was a good drunk – funny, relaxed and completely free of any social awkwardness; he even turned out to be the best storyteller of the night._

_By the time the party finally broke up, they were both well and truly drunk. As soon as the last person stumbled off to their bunk, he grinned and grabbed her hand._

_"Come with me."_

_They tip-toed into her quarters; he hit the door lock then picked her up and pushed her against the wall, kissing her roughly along the way. She banged her head against the wall. "Owwww!"_

_He grinned. "You're a marine, suck it up."_

_She giggled against his lips. "Sir, yes sir."_

_"Oh, am I in charge tonight?"_

_"Sure..."_

"_Excellent." He moved them off the wall and towards the bed, her legs wrapped around his hips, arms around his neck. On the way he bumped into a table chair and sent it skidding loudly across the floor and into the wall. _

_She laughed in delight, but said "Shhhh, someone will hear us!"_

_He dropped her unceremoniously on the bed, pulled off his shirt, then followed her down. "Let them."_

_She looked up at him in shock, eyes wide. "What?"_

_"I said _let them_. Tonight I don't care. Not about anything but you."_

_She grinned, pulled her shirt over her head, pulled him to her, and whispered in his ear. _

_"Show me."_

"Shepard?"

She blinked and found Kasumi staring at her.

"Is elasa okay? Cause I can get you something else...?"

She breathed in sharply and ran a hand down her face roughly, taken aback by the vivid clarity of the memory – by all rights she should barely remember that night at all.

She forced a smile. "No thank you – I'd love to, but I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do tonight. You guys have fun...just be careful, elasa will kick your ass if you're not paying attention."

... ... ...

The doors to her quarters shut behind her; she leaned against them and closed her eyes. The adrenaline high had finally dissipated, leaving behind only weariness. After a minute, though, she pushed off the doors, went to her desk, and settled in at the terminal. She sighed. Messages first.

There was already a thank you from the Governor of Fargone. She smiled at that. Being a hero never got old. Hmm, this one was unexpected – a message from Chairman Burns, that politician they had rescued from biotic extremists…a lifetime ago.

_Commander Shepard,_

_Udina said this would reach you. I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten what you did for me the day those crazy biotics took me hostage. You talked them down and you got me off that ship alive._

_I won't lie to you. I took this job for the pull and the power. I saw the biotics issue as a stepping stone, something good to put on my resume. And I was wrong._

_We all serve humanity in our own way. I don't know what you're doing, but I'm going to see to it that humanity reaches its potential with a minimum of bloodshed. I'm getting letters of thanks from L2 biotics who just received their reparations. Those letters should really be coming to you. I just thought you should know._

_Good luck. I've taken some political heat, so I don't know that any offer to help you would ever be useful. But if you need me, I won't let you down._

_Martin Burns, Chairman, Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies_

She smirked a little at the message. Burns had been a basket case, babbling and hysterical, when he was a hostage; she wouldn't be surprised if he had soiled himself there, on his knees, a gun to his head. Well, at least he was grateful, and did in fact follow through on the promise that saved his life.

The group who had taken him hostage hadn't been professionals; just angry, desperate men and women. Of course, when fired from two inches away a bullet from a gun held by an amateur would kill you just as properly as one from a gun held by a professional.

The terrorist in charge had been difficult to talk down; he saw himself as backed into a corner with no choices. She had offered him a way out, made Burns promise to reopen the reparations hearings, but he had just shouted "I can't trust you! I can't trust him!", hand shaking dangerously. She had thought she was probably going to have to shoot him, when Kaidan had put away his gun and stepped forward. "I'm an L2 as well. I _know_ what you're going through. If you think you can't trust her, then trust_ me._" It had worked; the guy had backed down.

She was the illustrious Commander Fucking Shepard, she had gotten the credit – was still getting the credit. But Kaidan had been the hero that day. The event had occurred shortly after she had been made a Spectre; she hadn't known him very well at the time. But his cool head, decisiveness and calm under pressure had made an impression.

She leaned back in the chair and looked over at his picture. "Okay Kaidan, it's official. I miss you." She dropped her head back and stared at the ceiling.

"_Where are you?"_ she whispered.

* * *

><p>David Anderson cut the link then leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't take any pleasure in deceiving Alenko. He sighed. Sometimes he hated this job, would give anything for a ship under his feet and the stars in his path.<p>

Political machinations. Double-dealings and betrayals. Deceptions and manipulations. They were nothing like space warfare or battlefield tactics, and he just wasn't any damn good at them. Some days the only thing that kept him going was the thought that if he left, _Udina_ would be making the decisions – and these decisions were far too important to let them fall to Udina.

When the attacks on the colonies in the Terminus Systems had started, Cerberus had quickly shot to the top of the suspects list. Their mission statement may be human ascendancy, but they had never shown any compunction about using and abusing humans in furtherance of that goal. Still, it seemed an enormous undertaking even for them. But if not Cerberus, then who?

Then suddenly there was Shepard. The Illusive Man had deep-sourced rumors that she was alive and working for him about a month ago. It had seemed just another scheme on his part for god only knows what purpose – but then she was here. She walked in like it was the most natural thing in the world, like she hadn't been gone for two years, like everything was…_normal_. The story she had told was _impossible_. Yet it had been clear to him that she believed it to be true. That might mean perhaps the worst possible outcome – the Illusive Man was controlling her; had brainwashed her; had done _something_ to her.

Yet, causing the attacks while purporting to fight the attacks…that was stretching it even for Cerberus. He couldn't shake a nagging feeling in the back of his mind; it whispered to him that something _more_ was going on here.

Through back channels and chains of intermediaries, a trap was set in motion. The only real question was who was trapping whom. Cerberus was laying a trap that at least appeared to be designed to draw out the colony attackers. The Alliance, believing them to _be_ the colony attackers, was laying a trap for Cerberus.

And in the center were the unwitting bait – Shepard and Alenko.

He sighed deeply. It wasn't fair to them; he hated being a part of it. Though it had never been confirmed and he never wanted them to confirm it, it had been impossible to miss the fact that they cared deeply for one another. After the Battle of the Citadel he had chosen to ignore it, had sent them back out together, because, well, at heart he was an old softie. And after saving the galaxy, dammit if they didn't deserve it.

Alenko had been devastated when Shepard "died," far more so than even a long-time team member and friend had a right to be. He had learned to hide it under a mask of control and professionalism, but it was still there, undulating just under the surface. And now Anderson was putting him in the line of fire – without alerting him to the real danger – and worse, setting him up for emotional devastation.

Irrespective of the relationship complications, he very much liked and respected them both – at least, Shepard as she had been; he wasn't entirely sure what or who she was now. They were good marines, some of the best he'd seen; more importantly, they were good people. Heroes.

But this was about more than two people. It was about the loss of _hundreds of thousands_ of people; about taking down a deadly terrorist organization that even before this was responsible for untold deaths. So he carried on with the plans; the schemes; the deceptions. But he didn't get much sleep.

* * *

><p>Kaidan fumbled with the door lock one-handed, his other hand and both eyes occupied with the news story displayed on his omni-tool. He finally got the door open and walked into his temporary apartment, absently kicking the door closed with his foot. He wandered towards the desk, banging his knee on the corner of the table in the process; he barely noticed. He looked away from the omni-tool long enough to yank off his jacket and toss it on the table, then sat down at the desk.<p>

He reached over to the terminal and had just pulled up the story where he could read it more clearly when the terminal started blinking, signaling an incoming call from Anderson. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second. _Dammit_. He took the call.

"Commander, glad I caught you. How are things progressing on Horizon?"

"We finally got the power grid installation completed today. That thing is a monster. I hope to fire it up and begin the first tests of the lasers in the morning."

"Excellent work. Listen, we haven't had any reports of colony attacks in a few weeks now, so we're due – be on your guard."

"Of course." He paused a moment; his eyes flitted over to the story still displayed on the left half of the screen. "Sir, have you seen this news story about Shepard? Claiming that she had been seen alive on Omega recently?"

Anderson studied a datapad in his hand. "I've seen it. I wouldn't lend much credence to it - this is Omega we're talking about after all." He looked up from the datapad at Alenko. "I'm sure there's nothing to it, Commander."

"So am I, sir. It's just...odd."

"Thank you for the update, Commander. Good luck tomorrow."

Kaidan shut down the video feed and sat back, thinking quietly for a moment. Then he reached up and expanded the story to the full screen.

...

_**Is Commander Shepard Alive?**_

"_It has been widely accepted as fact that Commander Graceyn Shepard, who was the first human Spectre and is credited with playing a pivotal role in the defeat of Saren Arterius and his Geth army in the Battle of the Citadel, was killed just over two years ago when her ship was attacked and destroyed by an unknown enemy._

_However, in the last few days rumors have surfaced that Commander Shepard may, in fact, be alive. There are several reports of her being seen recently on Omega with Aria T'Loak, known to be the most powerful person on the relatively lawless space station. There are also reports of Commander Shepard being seen exiting a quarantine zone on Omega. The area had been quarantined in order to contain a plague of unknown origin - a plague which was cured around the time of the reported sightings._

_For now, there is no photographic evidence of Shepard, and the persons reporting these sightings wish to remain anonymous. So perhaps it is just a case of mistaken identity. At the very least though, a question thought answered is again being whispered in the alleys of Omega and, increasingly, elsewhere - what really happened to Commander Shepard?"_

_...  
><em>

He sunk back into the chair, brow furrowed, eyes narrowed. He stared at the screen for a long time, then finally let out a long breath and shut off the terminal.

He activated his omni-tool and pulled up the picture he kept of her. It was from their visit to his parent's house. She was standing on the porch, leaning against the railing column, wrapped up in his cableknit sweater. The wind was tousling her hair, the waves crashing on the beach behind her. She was looking at the camera with a slight but mischievous grin. Considering what had transpired moments after he had snapped the photo, it was surely foreshadowing.

Even in the frozen moment, she _radiated_ life.

_"I miss you, Shepard"_ he whispered to the picture, then closed it.

He would give the wealth of nations to have her alive again. But it could never be. She was gone.

He had briefly worked up a case in his head for the story being somehow, someway, _true._ For a few minutes he had allowed a glimmer of hope to kindle inside. But that was a fool's errand. A frivolous, momentary distraction from the bitter reality. Anyway, if there had been any truth to it, Anderson would have known about it and would have told him.

The rumors were simply that. Rumors, started by some low-life on Omega looking for his fifteen minutes and stoked by a reporter eager for a sensational story.

Besides, if by some impossible miracle she _were_ alive, she would have found him long before now.

Right?


	25. Jack

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 25 **

"**Jack"**

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><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is (mostly) canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Chapter Note<em>_: __**Language Warning**__. I'm adding an additional "strong language" warning here. It is a chapter about Jack, after all, you probably shouldn't expect anything less. I don't think I need to bump the entire story up to an "M" rating for a bit of extra language, but…you have been warned._

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><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

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><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Jack**

**LAST UPDATE: 20 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Good god almighty, what the _fuck_ was the Insufferable Man thinking asking me to bring "Jack" on board this ship? He's the one that spent two billion credits building the damn thing, then he okays the addition of a "team member" that is liable to blow the ship up the next time she gets pissed off?

Maybe Garrus was right; maybe I should have left her to die on Purgatory…

But I couldn't do that. While I never – ever – would have _chosen_ Jack for my team if I had known what she…is – I feel as though she became my responsibility the minute I stepped on to Purgatory and triggered a chain of events that resulted in total destruction of the floating prison.

We finally caught up with Purgatory; it turns out that it periodically jumps to random systems in an effort to prevent being tracked; to prevent an attack. I took Garrus with me, in an ultimately misguided attempt at mental therapy, and Miranda, because I already had a bad feeling about this particular acquisition and wanted to be sure Miranda witnessed any…difficulties.

Things started off on a lovely note when the Warden attempted to confiscate our weapons for the duration of our visit. Now, I understand the concern – I really do. On a ship full of killers, it only takes one slip-up, one moment of inattention, and a vicious murderer with a powerful motivation has a deadly weapon.

But we were not the type to have a slip-up.

And I believe I mentioned that my rule about trying to kill anything that was shooting at me was back in full force and effect? Got to have a gun to do that. And since the Warden was going to try and abduct us and his guards were going to start _shooting_ at us in a few short minutes, on the whole a wise inclination on my part.

So Commander Fucking Shepard won that little game of chicken. _Seemingly_ appropriately cowed, Warden Kuril gave us a little tour and aggrandized about the philosophy behind Purgatory. Which ultimately boiled down to extorting governments with the threat of releasing deadly criminals back on to gravitated soil, but that's picking points.

Then I asked about Jack; probably a mistake, though a good heads-up.

"Cerberus hasn't told you? Jack is the meanest handful of violence and hate I've ever encountered. Dangerous, crazy and very powerful. You'll see soon enough."

_Excellent._

The Warden left us to ostensibly check on the Cerberus funds – the most important part of Purgatory's operation, after all. We shared some tender moments with some of the finer inhabitants of the facility on the way to the out-processing room, then promptly were met with the double-cross that we all should have seen coming except for its too- narrow-mindedly-_stupid_-to-actually-be-tried nature.

As we stepped through the door Warden Kuril came over the loudspeaker. "I'm sorry Shepard, it turns out you're worth a whole lot more as a prisoner."

I let out a dramatic sigh. Did this two-bit prison guard _seriously _think he stood a snowball's chance in hell of successfully holding _me_ prisoner for money? Still, it was going to be a royal pain in my ass to have to shoot _all. those. guards._

I started to make an obnoxious wisecrack on the way to cover, when Garrus strode out and started shouting up at the loudspeaker.

"You talked up your noble intentions, but you're just a criminal like the rest of them! Worse than them, because you hide behind a façade of respectability and honor! You're the worst kind of scum there is – a traitor! I'll take pleasure in – " The first wave of guards, complete with droid and Varren companions, came down the hall and into the room. Garrus just stood there in the open – enraged and apparently convinced that his righteous indignation and rage would protect him from the incoming fire.

"Garrus! Get your ass _down_!" I sighted the sniper rifle and took out the first to hit the door, but he had friends. Miranda set about confounding the droids, but we _needed_ Garrus to be fucking shooting – and also, not _dead_. "Garrus, _now_!"

He shook his head roughly, turned to look at me, then jumped when a bullet whizzed past him. That, _finally_, shook him out of his righteous-anger-fueled state, and he slid into cover. I dropped my head against the desk for just a second. _Thank god._

Now that we were all properly _focused_, we set about disposing of the variety of guards and their companions. As a rule the guards were good shots – it wasn't entirely easy. But once we able to fight our way out of the trap that had been laid for us, it was eas_ier_.

We made our way to one of the control rooms overlooking the maximum security wing – cryo storage. Garrus secured the door behind us then we all walked up to the control panel and stared at it in silence for a moment.

Eventually Miranda idly commented. "Press that button and you let every killer in there loose."

"Yeah…" I remarked.

"We could just leave him…" Garrus suggested.

"Yeah…on the other hand, we _did _come all this way."

I glanced over at Miranda. "Is there any other way to get Jack out?"

"Not that I can see. I'm sure there's a much more…helpful…control panel somewhere, but I doubt we'll find it easily, if at all."

I pondered for a moment, then nodded. "Okay then." I reached over and casually slid the lock from red to green.

While there wasn't a way to unlock individual cells from here, there was a handy listing of the inhabitants of each cell. We watched as Jack's cryo-storage unit rose up and slowly opened.

The steam slowly cleared to reveal…a girl. Of sorts. Tattoos of an infinite variety covered fully 80% of her exceedingly exposed body. She was skinny and tall, all elbows and limbs.

Garrus' jaw dropped. "That's…Jack…?"

I sighed audibly. "Apparently."

Short version – we killed the few guards left standing in the wake of Jack's path of destruction through the ship. Jack was a rampaging machine, with one goal – getting out. And she was _powerful_. She left the Warden for us though; it was a pain in the ass, but we killed him too.

We finally caught up with her in a passageway almost back to the Normandy. As we came around the corner we found Jack plus three guards. Jack quickly had two of them under control, but the third was a fair space apart and she couldn't catch him in her truly _massive_ mass effect field. He was lowering a high-powered rifle on her when we arrived. Without even pausing I _threw_ him against the wall and didn't stop to watch as he crumpled to the floor.

Jack turned from the two bodies she had created. "What the hell do _you_ want?"

This was going to be fun. Possibly also hard. But I had, on occasion, run across her type. In the short term – though probably not in the long term – she respected one thing. Power.

"I just saved your ass. Show some respect."

"He was already dead. He just didn't know it. I say again – what the _hell_ do you want?"

I showed the slightest hint of hardened compassion. "You're in a bad situation, and I'm here to get you out of it."

She spat. I groaned inwardly. "Shit, you sound like a pussy. I'm not going anywhere with you." She looked out at the SR-2 docked outside. "You're _Cerberus_."

"Jack, I'm here to ask for your help."

"You show up in a _Cerberus_ frigate to take me away somewhere – you think I'm _stupid?_"

Well, yes, though not exactly in the way she meant. But there was at least one way in which she was assuredly not stupid. She wanted to live. And that, I respected.

"This ship is going down in flames. We can get you to safety – and as a bonus, we're asking for your help."

Garrus, who had been fidgeting in agitation since we had gotten to the docking bay, finally blurted out the thoughts harassing him. "Shepard, do you really want to do this? She's…crazy! And a criminal – a killer!"

_Goddammit,_ Garrus. Not. the. time. I growled at him. "Yes, Garrus, I'm sure."

"But Commander – "

"Not _now_, Garrus!"

He dropped his head to his chin. "…Yes, Commander."

Jack was pacing back and forth in the confined space. The windows were starting to warp from the biotic overflow she was throwing off.

Miranda, who had never stopped having a gun trained on Jack, looked over at me. "We could just knock her out."

I sighed in abject exasperation. The problem with having really talented, intelligent teammates was that they had a propensity to have opinions of their own at the _worst possible times_.

I muttered under my breath. "We're not going to knock her out."

She tried to hide it, but Jack was increasingly noticing the flames, the explosions, the deteriorating trajectory of the prison ship. She broke the tiniest bit. "Look – you want me to come with you, make it worth my while."

Finally, some progress. "Join my team and I'll do what I can for you."

She spat. "Don't make promises you can't keep. I bet that ship has lots of Cerberus databases. You want me on your team? Let me go through those databases."

Well that at least was easy. "Done."

Miranda exploded. "Shepard, you are _not_ authorized to do that!"

"Awww, it upsets the cheerleader – even better."

I stared over at Miranda. Calm, controlled, and deadly serious. "Miranda, this is the deal we have. Take it or leave it. Your choice." Of course she would take it. The Illusive Man believed Jack should be a team member – and he was a wise and sage leader who knew better than she.

She closed her eyes for the briefest moment. "Alright."

Jack smiled a predatory, triumphant grin. "So what are we doing standing here? Let's get the fuck off this piece of scrap."

I let out a long breath. This was going to be…_not_…fun.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I stared at the datapad, my face scrunched up in an expression of confusion. Why couldn't all species use the same encryption systems? It was going to be hard enough learning to _recognize_ each one of the roughly two dozen common encryption techniques, much less learning to _hack_ them. I dropped my head back on the pillow. I really should have enough on my mind, enough to consider, enough to plan, enough to study, enough to track, without adding this little project to the load…

I closed my eyes. It would be so much easier if Kaidan were here – he could handle all this tech stuff and I – we – could rather more enjoy this ostensibly free time…

"Commander? I trust I am not disturbing you; sensors indicate the lights are partially illuminated, thus you are likely awake."

"Yes, EDI, I'm awake. What do you need?"

"The night-shift cleaning staff is reporting loud noises coming from the lower level; I have run diagnostics and have not discovered any mechanical issues that would cause sounds of the nature they are describing."

_Jack._

I sighed. "Okay, EDI, I'll look into it. Thank you for the heads up."

"Of course, Commander."

I started down the stairs to Lower Engineering, aka "the Basement." _Clang!_ I stopped and took a deep breath. _Bang!_

I headed in – only to dodge a datapad as it whizzed past me and slammed into the stairwell. _Clang-Clang-Clang!_ I leaned against the wall casually and raised an eyebrow at her. "Something…wrong?"

She jumped up on to her cot and leaned back on her knees. "Nah. Just letting off some steam."

"It's two in the morning, Jack."

"What do ya fucking know…did I interrupt your beauty sleep? Did I interrupt the cheerleader's beauty sleep? Cause that would make me _happy_."

"Jack, why are you throwing datapads at the wall?"

She jumped off the bed and started pacing, her movements resembling a predatory cat. "I was reading some of the Cerberus files. They made me think about the shit Cerberus did to me. I got angry, so I threw the datapad. I liked the noise it made. So I picked up another datapad, and imagined it was the crew of the freighter that picked me up when I escaped form Teltin – they fucked me, abused me, then sold me – and I smashed it against the wall. Picked up another one, saw the cult I joined – they used me in a different way – you get the idea. I got a lot of demons."

She looked over at me. "Luckily I got a lot of datapads."

"Or…you _could_ try talking about it with someone…someone else who also happens to be awake at two in the morning."

"Don't try to be my buddy Shepard. You need me to kill for you; I need you for these Cerberus files. That's all we are ever going to be to each other."

"I see. What happens when you find what you're looking for in those files?"

She smiled, though it more closely resembled a sneer. "I go hunting. Anyone who screwed with me pays. Their associates pay. Their friends pay. The galaxy's going to be a lot emptier when I'm done."

I kept my relaxed posture; I didn't need physical intimidation to make my point. "I won't let you go on a killing spree, Jack."

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist Shepard – I'm here for your mission. But after that, all bets are off."

I looked at her speculatively. "What the hell did Cerberus _do_ to you to make you so damn _angry_?"

"They raised me in a 'research facility', they called it. It was a motherfucking torture prison. I don't know where I came from before that – my first memory is of my room there. But I showed them. I escaped, even though I was just a kid. And soon, I will make them pay."

"You think about this a lot, don't you?"

"I go to sleep with it. I wake up with it. Every person I kill, I pretend it's one of those that did this to me." She sat down on the cot then looked up at me. "Your Cerberus friends are some sick bastards, Shepard. Wouldn't have figured it from you…you don't seem the type."

I glared at her. "They are _not_ my friends."

"Could've fooled me. Their ship. Their crew. The Illusive Man points and you scurry. I got that about right?"

"Fuck you, Jack."

"Fuck you too, Shepard."

I turned to go. "No more throwing datapads. You want to take out your frustrations, hit a pillow. Quietly. Understand?"

"Whatever."

"Jack…"

"Yeah, yeah, I got you. It was losing the thrill anyway."

And now I sit here at this terminal. And I'm afraid she may be right.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 months, 21 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

"I found them, Shepard."

I looked up from my dinner plate. "Found what, Jack?"

"The coordinates. I know where Teltin is – it's on Pragia, it's – "

"Slow down, Jack. In fact, why don't we go…" – I thought better of letting Jack into my quarters – "…down to your space?"

"Okay. Fine." She paced back and forth behind me, hands fidgeting.

Downstairs she didn't settle down any. She was pacing so fast it was making me dizzy to watch her.

"I got thoughts, like little bugs crawling around in my head. I can't stop them. Like I told you before, first think I remember is my room in that place. They did experiments on me. The doctors, the other kids, every one of them hated me. They let me suffer."

"What did they hope to gain by torturing a little girl?"

"Something about pain breaking down barriers and making for a stronger biotic."

I raised an eyebrow. "Just to see if they could make a strong biotic? That's it?"

"How the fuck do I know, Shepard? I was a little girl crying in a cell, begging for the pain to stop."

"And you did, Jack. You got away."

"Yeah. There was…some kind of emergency, and I made a break for it. I killed everything in front of me and ran." She stopped and stared at the floor. "But I didn't escape" she whispered.

"Are you absolutely certain that Cerberus was running this place?"

"I was a kid, but I wasn't dumb – I knew how to listen. It was Cerberus. They thought they were so clever. Turns out, mess with someone's head enough and you can turn a scared kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fucking idiots."

Well, at least I finally knew why the Illusive Man had suggested Jack for the team. He created her. _Bastard._

"Shepard, I want to go there. I want to go to the middle of my room. I want to deploy a big fucking bomb and watch from orbit when it blows to hell."

I sighed. "Jack, as appealing as blowing up a Cerberus facility may be…" – _to me_, I didn't add aloud – "…attacking our _benefactor_ when we haven't completed this mission is probably not the smartest idea."

"The facility was shut down years ago, abandoned after I escaped – it said so in the files. They going to care if I blow up a garbage dump?"

"Jack, you've lived with this your whole life – why do this now?"

"Because now I _can_."

I nodded. "Okay. I understand. And we will go. But Jack, we can't go now. We don't know when the Collectors might strike next, and we've got a shit-load of new team members to run around the galaxy 'recruiting', and it seems half the _current_ team has an emergency…and you have a vendetta. Jack, stop and look at me. We _will_ go. But I _need_ you to be patient."

She stared at me for a long moment, then finally nodded. "Okay, Shepard. But I won't wait forever."

And so I add blowing up a Cerberus torture camp for children to my now very, very, _very_ long list of Shit-To-Do-Before-Saving-The-Galaxy.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 22 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I leaned against the stairway railing. Jack was lying on her cot, hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. "Wanna go blow up Teltin?"

She looked over at me but otherwise didn't move. "Hell yes."

I just nodded. "EDI will let you know when to get ready."

I definitely wasn't taking Miranda with us; Jack and Miranda could barely be in the same room for ten seconds before trying to kill one another. I wasn't taking Garrus, he was still barely speaking to me after I stopped him from killing Sidonis. I took Kasumi. She was one of the few people who just took Jack, as she did most things, totally in stride. She didn't try to fix Jack, or kill her. If Jack could look outside herself for a moment, she might realize that Kasumi would be a good role model for Jack on how to deal with loss and pain and go on living. I had my doubts, but it was worth a shot.

The shuttle came in low under the cloud cover, the rain cut visibility to near-zero. Jack bounced in her seat.

"I forgot how much I hate this place. Damn it! It was a mistake coming back here, Shepard."

I put a hand on her shoulder, stilling her. "Get a hold of yourself, Jack. It will _be_ okay."

"I'm fine! Okay. Let's just get on the ground already. I want to watch this place burn."

The facility was decaying from years of neglect. Plants and ivy grew everywhere, over the buildings, down the walls, up from cracks in the ground.

For a moment it almost reminded me of Ilos. But it had none of the magic, none of the mystery. And it did not hold the key to saving the galaxy – unfortunately I didn't yet know what did. It was nothing more than a place of evil.

Also, Ilos had included a strikingly handsome biotic with a heart of gold whose playful wink had sent shivers of delight down my spine. Teltin, on the other hand, included a batshit-crazy tattoo-covered biotic disaster whose glare sent shivers of dread down my spine.

I missed Ilos.

We entered a large room with high ceilings and equipment scattered everywhere. Jack stopped in the doorway. "I remember escaping to this room – violently. I saw sunlight through the cracks in the ceiling. Only a half-dead guard between me and freedom." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "He begged for his life…" She stared up at the ceiling as if looking for those rays of sunlight.

"This looks like an arena."

She snapped out of the fugue. "Yeah. They staged fights here, would pit me against the other kids. I _loved_ it. It was practically the only time I was out of my room."

Kasumi looked around the setup in disgust. "_Why_ would they do that? What could they _possibly_ hope to accomplish?"

"Hell if I know, maybe that's how they got their rocks off. I never understood a damn thing that happened here…"

I was trying to work all this out in my head. "Jack, did any of the children die in these fights?"

Oops, wrong question. "Fuck, Shepard! You want to know if I killed any of them? Probably so! I was a kid, filled with drugs – I got shocked when I hesitated – narcotics _flooded my veins_ when I attacked! So guess what – I attacked." She kicked a piece of wreckage and sent it skidding into the wall.

This was…abhorrent. "They _rewarded_ you for attacking?"

She turned to glare at me. "Yes, Shepard. They did. They conditioned me. And it worked. I still get warm feelings during a fight. I still crave the rush."

She spotted a security panel and stormed over to it. It flickered to life and a ghostly, broken voice echoed around the room_. "The subjects are out of their cells, they're tearing the place apart! Subject Zero is going to get out – I need authorization to use lethal force."_ Another voice_. "All subjects are expendable except Zero. Keep Jack alive!"_

Jack practically ran around in circles. "No – that's not right! I started that riot – I was the cause!"

"Jack, this is a big place. Other things might have happened that you couldn't see."

She whirled around. "The other kids attacked me. The guards attacked me. The automated systems attacked me. They weren't protecting me – they were trying to kill me!"

I met her gaze calmly. "Jack, it's okay. You were a child – "

"You don't get it Shepard." She sounded desperate, lost. "I survived this place because I was tougher than the rest. That's who I _am_." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "If that…if that isn't true…_who am I?"_

"You are more than this place, more than what they did to you here."

"Maybe…"

We entered a room lined with flat tables, waist high in height. They looked almost like…

"Oh my god – this was a morgue. These were tables for dead children…for dissecting…dead children…oh…my…god…" Kasumi fell back against the wall in horror.

I started to add a string of curses when a squad of Vorcha and Krogan blasted through the door.

"Jack, I thought this place was deserted!" I yelled as I dove into cover.

Jack didn't dive into cover. She just stood and raged, filling the room with mass effect fields. She glowed a violently bright blue with the effort. _Good lord but she was powerful. _There were more than enough fields in the room already; I pulled out the rifle and concentrated on those falling outside the _singularities_ bouncing around the room. Kasumi bombarded them with grenades; she couldn't sneak around in there for fear of getting caught up in the fields.

"Jack. Jack, they're all dead. Stop."

She blinked and shook her head. "Right…okay. My room is this way." She turned and walked off.

We walked into her room to find a young man standing in the center, alone and unarmed.

"Who the _fuck_ are you?" Jack shouted.

"I know you, Zero."

"How the _fuck_ do you know me?"

"We all knew your face. They inflicted horrors on us so they wouldn't hurt you." He paused. "You were the question – and I'm still looking for the answer."

"It looks like you weren't the only one pulled back here, Jack."

He chuckled bitterly. "I tried to forget, but a place like this, it doesn't forget you. It follows you wherever you go. So I'm rebuilding it. I'm going to find what they were searching for – how to unlock true biotic potential in humans. It will be _beautiful_." He stared off in the distance, forgetting us for his delusion.

Jack shoved him to the ground biotically and put her pistol to the back of his head. He didn't resist.

"Jack! What are you _doing_?"

"He's going to restart the facility! He has to be stopped!"

I moved forward deliberately. "He's crazy and delusional and he's never going to restart this facility. Jack, you've _got_ to let this go…your past does not have to control you. You're _stronger_ than him."

She squeezed her eyes shut; her face contorted as she tried to bring the raging emotion under control. Finally she lowered the gun and turned away in disgust. "Fuck! Go, get out of here!"

She stared after him as he ran into the darkness. "He's not worth it. None of this is." She slowly gazed around the room, at the overturned furniture, at the broken bed. She'd surely try to kill me if she knew I saw, but a single tear rolled slowly down her cheek.

Then she lifted her chin up and turned to me. "Let's blow this place to hell."

She was silent on the shuttle. She was silent as she watched the facility explode in smoke and fire. After another minute I asked her gently. "Jack…you okay?"

She just stared out the window.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 20 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Not long after we returned, Jack confronted Miranda about Cerberus' actions at the facility. I had to separate them before they collectively blew a hole in the ship.

I don't know…I thought we had made some progress at Teltin; I thought I had started getting through to her. But I have no doubt – she would have killed Miranda if I hadn't stopped her.

Maybe – hopefully – it was simply the final wave of rage triggered by revisiting her horror of a childhood.

I gave her a day and a half to burn off the adrenaline, the emotions. Plus, I needed the sleep.

I found her kicked back on her cot, one leg hiked up, reading a datapad. When she saw me she put it down and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"I…needed to wipe that place off the map. It wasn't enough, but…it was a start. Thank you, Shepard. I owe you."

I sat down on the crate opposite her. "I'm glad I could help you."

She stared off into the distance. To another place. "You don't know what it's like, Shepard. To have garbage like that following you. It marks you in ways you…you don't expect."

"Maybe not. But I've had to make a lot of hard choices, Jack…like what to let go, and…what to hold on to." _Hope. Belief. Love. Purpose. Life._

"It's hard to walk away from it. I thought it would be easier now that that place is a crater, but…" Jack shook her head wistfully.

"Well, I have to say, I never thought I'd see you show mercy – but you let that kid live."

She stood up and started pacing slowly, thoughtfully. "He was trapped in the past, reliving it every day." She looked over at me. "You showed me that could be me…but I'm not getting stuck like that. I'm better than him, and I'm not going to carry that crater around with me any longer." She nodded sharply as if to reaffirm the point.

But then she dropped back on to the cot and her head onto her hands. "It's just…I know that place is gone, but…" She looked sideways over at me. "I still kinda want to kill every person I see. No offense."

I dropped my chin to my palm. "Can you at least try _really hard_ to restrain that urge while you're here? Maybe?"

She…did she _smile_? "Yeah, I think I can do that."

All things considered – for now at least – I really can't ask anything more of Jack than that. So I'll take it.


	26. Grunt

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 26 **

"**Grunt"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is (mostly) canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Grunt**

**LAST UPDATE: 1 hour before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 1 month, 27 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

So I have a Krogan in a tank. Have had one for about a week, actually. But I've been…otherwise occupied. In fact, I'm still otherwise occupied, which is why the Krogan is still in the tank.

_Things that do _not_ require my attention: _

1. I have a "Gunnery Sergeant" – of sorts – with a powerful sense of honor who despite eight years of exemplary service in both the Alliance and Cerberus was not recognized as the prize he was by either.

_Things that _do_ require my attention: _

1. I have an XO with a self-loving/self-loathing, superiority complex about her inferiority complex, tangled mess of daddy issues.

2. I have a kleptomaniac invisible girl with a broken heart who is rapidly becoming my best friend.

3. I have a scarred-up, banged-up Turian with a hero complex and a death wish.

4. I have a genius Tasmanian devil scientist with a God complex and genocidal guilt issues.

5. I have a disfigured former mercenary leader holding a powerful twenty-five-year grudge and who I'm halfway convinced is going to (try to) kill me or (try to) rape me every time I see him.

6. I have a batshit-crazy tattoo-covered biotic killing machine with revenge issues – a _lot_ of revenge issues.

7. I have an infuriating, cocky cripple of a pilot who I think is falling in love with an AI.

8. I have an AI.

When, _exactly_, do I have the time for an embryonic-yet-fully-grown, educated-by-the-voice-of-a-sadistic-madman, _Krogan_?

Unless Jacob is willing to take on new duties and raise a Krogan, he's staying in the tank for now.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 1hour until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Oh yeah, I opened the tank. And now I have a Krogan.

We'll be at the Omega 4 Relay in about an hour, and we're going through it. The Collectors attacked my ship, abducted my crew. We have the Reaper IFF, we can get through; luck, skill and my father's talismanic words willing, we can get back.

I've done the soul searching; I've done the deep thinking. I've sent messages to Kaidan and to Anderson letting them know we're going through the Relay. I've thought about what I'll say to the team in about half an hour. I've got nothing left to do. So I sat down and opened my Journal.

And realized that I had forgotten to say anything about Grunt. Oops?

I opened the tank. And I met Grunt. As a result of meeting Grunt, I got to kill a thresher maw.

Grunt is a valuable member of the team and will surely kill a metric shit-ton of Collectors this day.

Grunt is not Wrex. For a long time I tried to make him _be_ Wrex. He…resisted. The simple fact is, he's not Wrex.

I miss Wrex.


	27. Horizon

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 27 **

"**Horizon"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." This story is canonical with respect to the major events, but new scenes are added and dialogue is often modified. The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>30 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 2 months, 5 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Shepard watched as three members of the service crew struggled to get the enormous tank into the corner of the cargo bay. Finally the last edge clunked to the floor; the Krogan in the tank didn't seem to notice the jolt.

"Thank you gentlemen." She nodded as they wearily exited. Once she was alone she cocked her head to the side and studied the being inside the tank. Was he aware? Was he –

"Commander?" Miss Chambers interrupted her thoughts on the comm.

"Go ahead."

"Commander, the Illusive Man has requested to speak with you in the briefing room. He says it's urgent."

She rolled her eyes, though no one was there to see. "I'll be up in a minute." She looked back at the sleeping Krogan in the tank. Created by a madman to be perfect. Wrex would just _love_ this. After another moment she turned and headed for the elevator, already dreading the upcoming conversation. A perfect way to end her day…

... ... ...

"Shepard, I think we _have_ them. Horizon, one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems, just went silent. If it isn't under attack already, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?"

She shook her head. "Not yet."

"Then let's hope he works well under pressure."

She chuckled slightly. "I doubt he'll notice the difference." She turned to go. "Send the coordinates and we'll head that way."

"Already sent – but there's something else you should know."

She stopped and turned halfway back around, an eyebrow raised.

"One of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed on Horizon."

A chill cold and sharp as burning ice shot down her spine. For a second she couldn't breathe. _Kaidan…_

She approached every encounter with the Illusive Man like a battle mission, so she remained hyper-aware of her surroundings – and she couldn't let him see her weakness. She breathed in and plastered a neutral expression on her face.

"Thank you for the heads up. We'll head there now." She walked out of the briefing room and straight for the cockpit.

"Joker, get us to Horizon. _Now_."

He looked over his shoulder curiously but didn't ask. "Understood, Commander."

"How long?"

EDI answered. "The trip will take approximately 15.78 hours, Commander."

She closed her eyes and dropped her head to her chest. _Too long_.

"Anything you can do to speed that up, do it."

"I assure you, my calculations are – "

"Just do it."

_Keep it together._ She went to the lab.

"Tell me you have something."

Mordin looked up from his terminal and…smiled. Didn't think she'd seen that before.

"Yes."

"Oh, I could hug you – but I won't."

"Best not – implications…uncomfortable – will keep working instead."

... ... ...

It was the longest night of her life. She paced around her quarters, up and down the steps. Sat at her desk and stared at his picture. Paced some more. Tried to study the data they had on the Collectors. Eventually sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed, eyes closed, and worked to slow her relentlessly pounding heartbeat. But her mind just danced in memories.

"_Okay, then, on the assumption that we will survive…when this is over…undoubtedly with a positive outcome…would you…would you consider going away with me…if we get a shore leave, I mean…would you…want to spend it together?"_

She unfurled her legs and hugged her knees to her chest.

_"What do you want to do?"_

_He stopped pacing and stared at her, she thought perhaps all the way through to her soul this time. _

_"I want to be with you."_

Her pounding heart skipped a beat the same as it had that day.

"_Shepard – "_

_"Kaidan, go. Now."_

She let out a long breath and fell back on the pillow. She wouldn't be helping him by not getting any sleep this night.

Sleep, when it did finally come, was plagued by a succession of nightmares – Mindoir – Terra Nova – the Reapers genocide of the Protheans – the destruction of the Normandy. But inevitably, each one ended with the Collectors carrying away a cocoon, Kaidan frozen inside, her unable to stop them as she floated away from him into space, with no suit, no air.

* * *

><p>Kaidan grumbled in frustration. He was sure he was close to figuring out the targeting issue with the GARDIAN lasers, and now the colony's communications system goes out… Of course the colony <em>should<em> have people responsible for fixing that kind of thing, but they had asked for his help anyway.

"Okay, Lilith, just show me where the communication center is located. I'll take a look."

"Thank you, Commander. The sooner we can get communications back up, the sooner you can get back to the lasers."

Walking through the colony, he stated the obvious. "They're blaming me for this too."

She sighed. "You have to understand Commander, it's not personal; people out here just don't trust the Alliance."

"I do understand that Lilith, it's just that…" His voice trailed off as the sky erupted in sound. A massive ship that looked like…_like the one that attacked the Normandy_…descended through the atmosphere on a trajectory straight for the center of the colony.

His gun was out in a flash. "Lilith, go. Get everyone you can into the underground shelter. Now!"

A dark cloud descended and began moving through the colony. It was on them in a flash. Only it wasn't a cloud…it was a swarm. He threw up a _barrier_, he tried to _throw_ them away, but it only slowed them down for a moment. A thousand insect-like creatures bombarded them. And him.

Suddenly one broke through the _barrier_ and stung him in the neck. He had barely swatted it away when he suddenly found he couldn't move. He didn't fall, he just…stopped. He could breathe. He could see. He could think. But he couldn't move.

The attackers were here, and he was powerless to stop them.

His mission had been to protect the colonists, and he had utterly failed in under a minute. Dammit, what had Anderson been _thinking_ sending him out here alone? In the distance he saw dozens of dark shapes start to exit the strange ship; he took little comfort in the realization that he never would have been able to fend off this attack alone. And alone he was.

He watched the swarm move through the colony, paralyzing everyone in its wake, with nothing but the knowledge of his failure to keep him company while he waited to die.

... ... ...

EDI had found some optimizations and they made it there in 14.62 hours. It wasn't enough. A massive ship of strange design hovered over the center of the colony. The Collectors were already here.

She, Garrus and Kasumi departed the shuttle. No Cerberus personnel on this mission. No murderers or mercenaries or crazy people. Just the two _relatively_ normal people she trusted. She stared up at the towering vessel with dread and foreboding.

"Garrus…Kaidan is supposed to be here. So…keep an eye out for him, will you?"

Garrus looked at her with surprise, then concern, then understanding. "Of course, Shepard."

She took the briefest moment to close her eyes and focus. Freaking out and being an emotional wreck wasn't going to save him, much less any of the colonists. She had forced a few tortured hours of sleep for a reason. Focus.

She opened her eyes and gave a curt nod. "Let's go."

It was deathly quiet. There were empty cocoon-like containers scattered around everywhere – against the walls, thrown on the ground. Soon, there were colonists frozen in stasis. Her eyes flitted quickly over each one. _Not him. Not him._

The first mass Collector attack came a few hundred yards in. Up close, they looked vaguely like giant roaches, only with numerous eyes. Wings folded against their back and spindly legs grew from a thick trunk.

Then one of them glowed, floated up in the air for a moment, and _spoke_.

"_We are the Harbinger of your destiny."_

Um…what?

Once it was dead, she and Garrus stood over it.

"Well, _you're_ not."

They came around a corner to find a cluster of Collectors working at a large door. Easy to clean out, what with them all staring at the door and not behind them.

Kasumi hacked the door. They entered a storage room to find a colonist cowering in the corner.

"You…you're human… What are you doing out here, you'll bring them right to me!"

She smirked at him. "They were busy clawing their way through the door when we got here. They knew you were in here."

He paced and threw his arms around angrily. "Damn it – it's the Alliance's fault. They stationed that Commander Alenko here and built those defense towers. It made us a target!"

Her heart skipped a beat at the very mention of his name. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrus glance over at her, a worried expression on his face.

"Tell me about him."

"Commander Alenko? Heard he was some kind of hero or something. Didn't mean anything to me though; would've rather he stayed back in Council Space."

_We save the entire fucking galaxy from destruction, and he's all "didn't mean anything to me." Would that he knew what we did for him, for them all…_

She stared at him with a measure of contempt. "The Collectors are targeting remote colonies; the Alliance was _trying_ to help."

"I don't need their help. He said he was just here to get the defense towers online, but mark my word – there's more to it. He was here for something else. Spying on us, maybe."

"What are these towers?"

"A _gift_ from the Alliance. High power GARDIAN lasers. But we couldn't get the targeting system to work. So the Alliance gave us a giant gun that couldn't shoot straight. Stupid sons-of-bitches."

She looked over at Garrus. "We can use them against the ship."

Garrus nodded. "We'll get them working."

She turned to the man. "Lock yourself back in here. Who knows…_maybe_ they won't get through."

... ... ...

His heart was racing so fast he thought it might burst out of his chest. For all that his life had mostly felt like a nightmare the last two years, for all the moments of despair in the dark of the night when he had wished he had died with her – now that death was here he found that he _really_ didn't want to die. For all the times he had faced near-certain death in combat, he had never been forced to wait for it, helpless, powerless, as it oh-so-slowly came for him.

The Collectors were only a dozen or so yards from him when they suddenly stopped their work of placing the frozen colonists in the cocoon-like enclosures then carting them off to the ship, and began to move off in the direction of the laser assembly.

In the detached, oddly calm portion of his brain – sitting idly at the center of the storm raging around it – he considered the Collectors. He had only seen a few photos of them, some years ago, but they were unique enough that he was certain these were Collectors. And, well, they had gotten their name for a reason; it certainly seemed that they were _collecting_ the colonists. Though as far as he was aware, in thousands of years they had never done anything remotely on this scale.

Regardless, something had distracted them from their work. _Certain death appeared to making a detour._ He struggled against his pounding heart, his jumbled, racing thoughts, to focus. To focus on finding a way to live.

He strained against the inability to move with everything he had. If he could get free while they were distracted, he could do _something_. He _pushed_ outward – hard – with his biotics. And moved a millimeter.

He breathed in and _pushed_ again.

... ... ...

The next section of the colony was completely deserted. They hurried through empty buildings and rooms. Nothing.

Kasumi shook her head. "I thought that we'd come across more of those frozen colonists by now."

Garrus frowned. "Probably loaded onto the Collector ship by now." He paused and looked over at her, concern now evident in his eyes. "We should hurry."

She just nodded, but her mind raced in a hundred directions, all of which ended at the same place. _Where was he?_

At last they entered a large open area with a tower and control panel at its center. Garrus set to work at the panel.

"EDI, can you get the defense towers online?"

"Errors in the calibration software are easily rectified, but it will take time to bring them to full power. I recommend a defensive posture – I will not be able to mask the power increase."

"Excellent. Any other helpful tips?"

"Just one. Enemy reinforcements are closing in. I suggest you ready weapons."

She squeezed her eyes shut briefly. "We'll make sure and do that."

Enemy reinforcements were in fact closing in. Waves of them. The rest of them, she suspected.

... ... ...

He _pushed_ one final time and collapsed to the ground. Breaking free of the strange stasis field had taken everything he had; he was spent. But there was no time to be spent. He needed to get to those lasers. He picked himself up off the ground and ran.

He rounded a corner and ran straight into a Husk. _Husks?…_ No time. The Husk clawed out at him, scratched his face, made for his eyes. He beat it off with his gun, tripped it off its feet, then smashed its face in with the butt of the rifle. He saw a Collector ahead moving towards the laser assembly, sighted down and shot it.

It was then he realized there was gunfire in the distance. A _lot_ of gunfire. Had some of the colonists managed to fight back?

He ran.

... ... ...

She was knee-deep in husks when she heard one of the Collectors speak again.

"_Preserve Shepard's body if possible."_

What. The. Fuck.

They knew her name? They knew who she was? _They wanted her body?_

She shook her head roughly. No matter. Later.

With a bit of added incentive – not that she needed it – they fell one after another. Soon their bodies littered the ground like leaves.

The lasers at last powered up and shot massive beams of energy at the Collector ship. They didn't destroy it – didn't really even damage it that much – but it must have spooked them, because they beat a hasty retreat.

_Wait, no, that wasn't what she wanted…_

_... ... ...  
><em>

He could hear the lasers fire, saw it make contact full-on with the Collector ship. After a few seconds the ship fired its engines and lifted off.

He slowed to a stop and stared up at the ship as it accelerated away. How many colonists were aboard? What would they be thinking as they lie, frozen in cocoons, flying away to horror and death? _The Alliance let us down, just like we always knew they would. Commander Alenko said he could help us, but he failed us. If he even tried. And now we are all going to die._

He thought maybe he deserved the worst they could think of him. He wearily moved to go check on whomever it was that had managed to fight back and get the lasers fired. They had saved people, which was a hell of a lot more than he could say about himself.

... ... ...

She stared up in desolation as the ship accelerated away. He was on the ship. He had to be.

He was gone.

Off to her side, Kasumi laughed in delight. "Take that, you Collector assholes!" Then she looked over. "Shepard…what's wrong? Are you – ?"

She couldn't breathe. She was suffocating again, just like at Alchera. She sank to her knees and dropped her head.

_You were supposed to live. I made sure you would live…_

Garrus hurried over and put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on Shepard, let's keep looking. I'm sure he's here somewhere…"

She just shook her head, defeated, and whispered. "I don't think so."

... ... ...

He rounded the corner and started to enter the open area surrounding the laser assembly – then froze.

_Shepard._

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He had obviously died when he had been stung by the swarm insect, and this was just his brain firing random neurons in the seconds before it shut down for good.

He shook his head roughly, drug his hand down his face. Squeezed his eyes shut, opened them again. He was still here. _And she was still there._ Breathing. His heart pounded, harder and faster even than it had when the Collectors had drawn near him. In that detached, oddly calm portion of his brain – _still_ sitting idly though at the center of an entirely new storm raging around it – he wondered how much more his heart could take; if he might actually have a heart attack and die standing here, staring at the impossible.

_She was alive._

_... ... ...  
><em>

The colonist from earlier came running around the corner. "No! Don't let them get away!"

She pushed herself off the ground and glared at him. "And what, exactly, would you suggest I do? Lasso the ship with my magic rope?"

"But half the colony's in there! They got Egan and Sam and…and Lilith! Do something!"

Her anger melted away, to be replaced with a vast emptiness. "I didn't want it to end this way…I…I did everything I could…"

Kasumi smiled gently at her. "Yeah, you did Shepard." She glared at the colonist. "If it wasn't for the Commander, you'd _all_ be on that ship."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Shepard…I know that name. Sure, I remember, you're some kind of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard – "

She jerked her head over to the source of the words, eyes wide.

" – Captain of the Normandy – "

Kaidan walked slowly towards them. He was clad in dark brown armor, beaten and scuffed. He had a cut on his forehead that had barely stopped bleeding. Sweat had dampened his hairline.

" – first human Spectre –"

She had seen many amazing, wonderful sights in her life. He was the most incredible sight she had ever seen.

" – Savior of the Citadel."

He turned to the colonist. "Delenn, you're in the presence of a legend." At last he looked at her.

"And a ghost…"

The colonist said something and walked off. She didn't notice.

She tilted her head a bit and slowly smiled. Her eyes started to water a bit. "Kaidan…"

_She was soaked in sweat, her hair an absolute mess. A piece of her black armor was hanging off her arm. She was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen._

He grabbed her in a fierce hug. She buried her face in his shoulder and squeezed with everything she had. "I thought they had taken you…" she whispered into his neck.

For the first five seconds, his hold on her was warm, welcoming._ Like coming home._ She felt a measure of peace for the first time since waking up on a Cerberus lab table 31 days ago.

_He held her against him with everything he had. He thought he'd never feel her in his arms again after 773 days alone. It was impossible, yet she was here, alive. _

_But…if she was alive…that could only mean…_

Then he started to stiffen, to pull back; she could feel the distance even when there wasn't yet any.

He looked at her, eyes clouded with confusion. "I thought you were dead." His arms dropped to his sides and he took a step back.

She looked up at him with a silly grin. God, he was alive. He was okay. She had found him.

"I…kind of was…I –"

He didn't seem to hear her though, and his face took on the strangest expression. What –

_His head swam with confusion. What had happened? How had she lived? Why hadn't she come to him? Why would she need to hide from him? Why…_

"_Where_ have you been_?_ Why did you… I…I thought we _had_ something, Shepard. Something real. _I…I loved you._ Thinking you were dead tore me apart!"

– was wrong? Why was he looking at her that way? Wait, he said he _loved_ her? Then why –

"How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were _alive_?"

– was he yelling at her?

A puzzled expression took over her face. She couldn't seem to think clearly. "Kaidan, I – we did, we _do_ – I _was_ dead – and I tried, they wouldn't tell me – "

_She couldn't have been dead – she was alive. Did she honestly think him a fool? Had she all along? How dare she? He may have been an utter failure as a marine this day, but he surely deserved better than to be thought a fool as well, and by the great Commander Fucking Shepard most of all..._

"Shepard, I'm not a fucking idiot!"

She jerked. Kaidan rarely cursed. And never at her.

She looked at him. Opened her mouth, then closed it. Opened it again. Tried to find the words. "I got spaced. I died – or near enough to it. Cerberus recovered my body from Alchera and spent the last two years…rebuilding me. I only just awoke – "

_Cerberus. The word hit him like a Krogan punch to the face. Fucking Cerberus. She would have been right – he had been a fool. A fool to spend two years mourning a woman who thought him a fool. A woman who was working for terrorists._

His face, his eyes, turned to steel. He took another step back. "You're working for _Cerberus_ now. And…_Garrus_ too…I can't believe it. How _could_ you…"

She blinked a few times and became aware of a growing dread in the pit of her stomach. She tried to focus, to speak slowly and clearly.

"Kaidan, we're trying to stop the Collector attacks on the colonies. Cerberus is providing resources to aid in the effort – resources the Alliance wouldn't provide. That's all. I'm working _with_ them, not _for_ them. And just for now."

He looked at her with disbelief and…scorn? Oh god.

_Bullshit! She even sounded like one of them now, all 'the Alliance won't do what is necessary, blah, blah, so we experiment on people to improve them, blah, blah'… Fucking. Cerberus. _

"You can't _really_ believe that Cerberus is working in the best interests of these colonists. You know what Cerberus is like – you've seen what they're capable of – what they _do_!"

She dropped her head fractionally and nodded. "I know. I do. And if there was _any_ other way – "

_There was another way – there was always another way. Dammit, he had learned that from her, watched her prove it again and again. He had believed it. He had believed her, believed in her. He had been such a goddamn fool. _

_Everything he had thought he knew about the universe and his place in it flipped inside-out._

He once again didn't seem to hear her. His face now bore pain, even anguish. "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like _this_. I don't understand…"

"I – "

"You've turned your back on everything we believed in…everything we worked for…everything we achieved." His voice cracked. "_Everything we had._"

He paused, and the anguish on his face was overtaken by anger. "You've betrayed the Alliance." Took another step back. "You've betrayed _me_."

No, no, no, no, no. No way. She felt herself starting to panic. "Kaidan, _no. Never._ I'm only trying to do what I've always done – save these people! The Collectors are targeting human colonies – they've taken hundreds of thousands – and they're working for the Reapers!"

"Did Cerberus tell you that? Hit that little sensitive spot of yours? Did it even occur to you that they could be using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you? Control you? What if they're behind it? The Alliance has intel that _they're the ones_ behind these attacks – why do you think I'm out here!"

Garrus suddenly stepped up, seething with barely-controlled anger. "Damn it, Kaidan! You're so focused on the Cerberus boogeyman that you're ignoring the real threat! Look around you!"

_Garrus. His friend. She had sought out Garrus but not him. He had thought she was dead, he had longed for her, he had wanted to die with her, he had barely lived at all except through his work – and all that time, she had been running around the galaxy with Garrus? Were they "together"? _

_Had everything been a lie?_

Kaidan looked over at Garrus with an odd, cold expression. "I never thought I'd see _you_, champion of justice and defender of the helpless, working for Cerberus."

He paused and cocked his head to the side. "But then again, you'd follow _her_ to the Devil's front door, wouldn't you."

"Wouldn't _you_?"

_Wouldn't he? For a minute the anger got pushed to the back by a sudden, powerful…longing. He had believed in their mission more than anything. There had been no greater moment in his life than saving the galaxy at her side. Oh god he had loved her, so, very, very much. _

_And he had been made a fool. _

Kaidan blinked, then blinked again, and for the briefest moment the coldness slipped and was replaced with confusion and pain. But then the cold returned.

Garrus had asked the question but it was unquestionably her to whom he responded. "No…not to Cerberus."

_He stared at the stranger standing before him, wearing the face, bearing the voice, of his love. _

He stared back at her with a look of icy curiosity – that in a flash turned hot. He stepped forward and grabbed her arm.

"Are you even really _her_? What are you? Are you a clone? A machine? Do you even _feel_ this?" He squeezed her arm impossibly tightly.

She threw his arm off roughly. "Yes, goddammit!" She looked at him in abject desperation, eyes wide, pleading. "I…I'm _me_. I don't know what else to tell you…"

"Don't you _know_? Can't you _see_?"

_It looked like her. It sounded like her. It smelled like her. It felt like her. Every fiber of his being screamed at him that it was her. She was looking at him with what was surely pure emotion. Pain. Desperation. With those sparkling eyes that when they shone with joy could light the night sky._

His face transformed through a series of emotions – suspicion, pain, uncertainty, confusion. She felt the faintest, tiniest bit of hope –

_But if it was her then she had betrayed him. Left him. Left him alone in the world. Left him to mourn her every night for two years. While she…did what? Did Cerberus' dirty work? Laughed at the thought of his pain? Fucked Garrus? WHAT?_

_Whatever light had been left in him, carried in the memory of her, flickered and went out in the face of the undeniable, ugly truth staring him in the face._

– but then his eyes darkened and turned cold. Dead. Empty.

"The Shepard I knew died two years ago at Alchera. I don't know who you are." His voice was as flat, dead as his eyes.

Her heart broke into a thousand pieces and shattered on the ground. Surely he could see the pieces lying there, if he would just look down.

"I have to report back to the Citadel. Who knows, maybe they'll believe your story." He turned to leave.

"Kaidan – wait!" He stopped, but just barely, and turned halfway back towards her.

"I need your help. Come…come with me? _Please_."

He looked at her with the saddest eyes she had ever seen.

"No."

Then he turned and walked away.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Also see a special one-shot, "If It Meant Living: Parallel Realities" (I can't link to it, but just click "Graceyn" at the top left to get to it). What if she had run after him?<em>


	28. Blowback

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 28 **

"**Blowback"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>31 days since Resurrection <strong>__** || 2 months, 4 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Shepard stared at the Illusive Man in disbelief. Not that she should – she already believed him capable of just about anything. Nonetheless, somehow she hadn't believed him capable of _this_.

"You set this up!"

"No, Shepard. I simply created a set of circumstances conducive to attracting the Collectors' attention."

She shook her head and chuckled bitterly. "You risked the life of my _friend_, my crew, and the entire colony, just to lure the Collectors there. How _dare_ you."

"I suspected the Collectors were looking for you or people connected to you. Now I know for certain. I told you I wouldn't sit idly by while the Collectors and the Reapers gathered strength. Besides, they would have hit another colony eventually. Without a way to predict which one, they would've abducted everyone."

He paused, leaned back in his chair, and took a drag. She glared at him with undisguised contempt. "Shepard, I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega 4 relay. The important thing is that your team be strong. There's no looking back. The same goes for you."

He tilted his head a bit and his holographic eyes looked directly into hers. "Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?"

_Did he _really_ just_…the arrogant, deceitful, manipulative _son of a bitch_.

Her face lost all expression as she gazed back into his holographic eyes.

"This conversation is over."

"Shepard – " She slammed the disconnect button then stormed out of the briefing room and to the cockpit.

"Joker, take us to the Citadel."

"But Commander, I thought we were going – "

"I. _Said_. The Citadel."

"Yes, ma'am."

She looked up through the overhead view windows as they accelerated to FTL and the stars sped to a blur.

"So…um…Commander…Alenko…was he…?" Joker couldn't seem to figure out how to end the question.

She just shook her head faintly.

"Bastard."

That made her chuckle the slightest bit. She gave a sad smile to Joker. "No…" She sighed. "Just a reminder that I've lost more than time." She whispered to herself. "A lot more."

Joker looked away uncomfortably. "Understood, ma'am."

She looked back up through the windows at the blur of stars surrounding the ship before turning to go.

"_But…it's kind of tragic that you don't have anywhere to call home."_

"_I don't mind. Really. My home is…out there…the entire galaxy."_

For the first time since the day she joined the Alliance, she felt the absence of a place to call home.

Her next stop was the Port Observation Room. The bar. Kasumi was already there, settling back in after the mission. Shepard didn't even glance at her as she went behind the bar, crouched down and started rummaging. After a moment she came up with a nearly-full bottle of Tennessee whiskey. She had never been to Tennessee but had been assured that their whiskey was top notch. She grabbed it by the neck, started back around the bar, and found Kasumi blocking her path.

"Shepard, look...I don't know exactly what happened down there, but I know it wasn't good for you. Why don't you stay? Pour me a glass. We'll get sloshed and share our tears. I'll tell you about Keiji, you'll tell me about Kaidan, we'll long for what once was – together."

Shepard gave her a sad half-smile and sighed. "I appreciate the offer – I really do. It's very tempting. But...I don't even know what I would say. I need...I need to think about things." She glanced at the bottle in her hand. "Even if I don't remember it in the morning. But _thank_ _you_."

The truth was that though the idea of companionship was actually tempting, she simply could not allow anyone on her team, not even Kasumi, to see her as weak, as fragile, as she suspected she was about to be.

Kasumi reached out and gave her a quick hug. "Okay, Shepard. But I'm here if you want me." Shepard managed to smile then made her way to her quarters, grateful she didn't run into anyone else on the way to the elevator.

Kasumi watched her as she left then sighed. She knew what it was like to be alone, when before there had been love. She wouldn't wish it on…well, most people at least…but certainly not Shepard. She wished she had found a way to get her to stay, if only for a while.

... ... ...

Shepard sat on the floor, back against the couch, glass in hand, watching the fish swim back and forth. She would give anything for a do-over. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to transport herself back in time to the moment he stepped out into the open. After a while she peeked open one eye. It hadn't worked.

How had she managed to screw that reunion up so ridiculously badly?

She should have anticipated his reaction. Dammit, she was good at reading people. She had succeeded in turning more than one dangerous encounter to a peaceful resolution by seeing, understanding, and giving a person what they needed. She should have _known_.

It's just that…everyone else had reacted to her standing before them...better. Decidedly better. A second or two of shock, a few questions, a joke or wry remark, and it was back to old times. But then again, Garrus, Tali, Anderson – well, they hadn't loved her, had they? Respected, admired, liked her; had feelings of affection and friendship towards her. But not love. It turned out love was a difference of kind, not of degree. And he loved her – _had_ loved her.

_Fuck._

Why hadn't she known? Why hadn't he told her? If she had known, she might have been better prepared. Oh, who was she kidding – how _exactly_ would she have been better prepared?

Gut-wrenchingly painful though it was, she sat there, drink momentarily forgotten, and replayed the conversation in her head. The problem, she realized, was that she had let him get sidetracked by the Cerberus _complication_ before he truly accepted that she had been dead – unconscious – unaware – _gone_ for the last two years. She had frantically chased his Cerberus accusations when she should have been focusing on making him understand that she had _just woken up_.

She sighed. No, the problem was that she had stood there, dumbfounded and shell-shocked, unable to utter more than three sensical words before devolving into a blithering _idiot_! She abruptly remembered her drink, proceeded to drain the glass, then promptly refilled it.

Why did he have to walk away so quickly? If she'd had another moment, she could have caught up to what was happening, could have taken him aside and _explained_.

_Shit_. Why hadn't she chased after him? _Goddammit!_ And why in all holy hells had that thought _just_ occurred to her? She slammed a fist into the couch cushion, sloshing her drink all over the floor. It was obviously too full. She knocked it back then returned to the thought.

Yep. Not chasing after him was very possibly the stupidest thing she had done since...yeah. Since ever. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to go back in time again. Still didn't work.

She dropped her chin to her chest and closed her eyes. She felt like someone had scooped her heart out with a rusty saw and ran off with it. How could she _possibly_ care this much? No one had informed her that she cared about him this much.

No, that wasn't quite right – she _did_ know she cared about him; she knew she greatly enjoyed spending time with him; she knew she had counted on him to have her back and implicitly trusted his skills to do so successfully; she knew she valued his counsel on matters great and small; she knew he could make her feel special and important in a way not even saving the Citadel and the galaxy had done; she knew that he was the most talented and considerate lover she had ever…not that it was a particularly large sample pool…but, unquestionably, yes; she knew that he was the first thing she thought of upon waking up on a Cerberus lab table and that she had missed his company more every day since then. But even in total, none of that accounted for the rusty saw.

It was a bit of a shock when her world suddenly shifted _ever so slightly_ to the left, exposing the answer behind the curtain. She realized with a stark clarity that in her hubris – her conceit, masked with a quick grin – she had secretly held to the belief that to love someone was to show weakness.

Worse yet, she had believed that she was too important, too _special_, to ever give herself over to someone else. Hero of Elysium, Savior of the Citadel, first human Spectre – who could possibly be worthy of the love of someone so _grand_ anyway?

She threw her head onto the couch cushion and glared at the ceiling. She was disgusted to realize she had been walking around harboring those beliefs all this time. She wasn't _grand_ at all – she was a _fucking moron_.

She realized – she had always known – that one of her greater faults was a tendency towards willful blindness when it came to complicated, difficult emotions. A lack of _optimal_ self-awareness, as it were. She had always blamed it on losing her parents when she was sixteen and left it at that. It was easier than…well, facing up to it.

She had believed herself too important to love him. Yet she had loved him all along. She had been arrogant and foolish. _And now it was surely too late._

She stared at the fish, refracted through the glass in her hand. The fish had a good life.

She dropped her head back against the couch. She thought back to the morning of the attack on the Normandy – and giggled like a schoolgirl at their hurried, passionate lovemaking in the shower; _god, that had been hot_. She thought about Vancouver – and smiled at the joy of it; a few days of peace and comfort and closeness in the midst of the chaos. She thought about the night before Ilos – and the tears finally started flowing.

She touched a fingertip to her cheek then stared curiously at the dampness that came away. When was the last time she had cried? _Ashley_. _Of course._ Before that? Try as she might, she couldn't remember, but she was fairly certain it had been due to agonizing physical pain and not a broken heart.

She shivered and took a long sip from her glass. She wasn't a traitor. She hadn't betrayed him. This she knew. But everything else...he was right. If he hadn't walked away she would have told him he was right. If she had chased after him she would have told him he was right.

She sighed and refilled the glass. What was she _doing_ here? On this ship? Working "with" Cerberus? Oh yeah, that's right – saving humanity. Possibly ultimately saving the galaxy. Being a Spectre – the first and last line of defense.

She was right. If he hadn't walked away she would have told him she was right. If she had chased after him she would have told him she was right.

Would he have understood? Would he understand?

She stumbled up and ran for her terminal. She was almost there when she remembered she had absolutely no idea how to contact him. _Then_ she remembered she was blind drunk.

She sat back down on the floor, filled her glass again, and stared at the fish, swimming back and forth and back and forth, for a very long time, tears silently streaming down her face.

"_Shepard, you make me feel...human."_

Oh Kaidan, you could have made me feel human. I so badly need to feel human.

_You said I would always be forgiven. Can you forgive me now?_

* * *

><p>One of the best things – and one of the worst – about being a biotic was the supercharged metabolism. On the negative side, you were always hungry, and when engaged in strenuous activities you ignored that hunger at your peril.<p>

On the positive side, the hangovers weren't so bad.

Shepard strode determinedly along the Presidium Promenade towards Anderson's office. Given the rather meager amount of whiskey left in the bottle when she put it in her cabinet this morning (she thought she might need it again tonight), she really didn't feel that bad. Not that she didn't have a splitting headache, of course – one that she was fairly certain was about to get even worse – but, all things considered, not _that_ bad.

She took the steps two at a time and approached Anderson's assistant.

"Commander – what a pleasure to see you! The Councilor is in a meeting – "

She walked right past her and through the door. Anderson and Udina were sitting at the desk going over some datapads.

She looked straight at Udina. "Out."

"Commander, I really don't think – "

"I said _out_. Now."

"I see Cerberus has not improved your disposition. Anderson, we'll continue this later."

As soon as the door closed she whirled around and launched into Anderson. "How could you? How could you _spy_ on me? How could you send _him_ to spy on me?"

"Shepard, listen – "

"The first thing I did was come to you. I was completely honest with you. I asked for your help. _Begged_ for it. I _trusted_ you."

"Shepard, you're working for _Ce_– "

"_With_. _Not_ for."

He looked at her wearily. "Honestly, Shepard, what's the difference?"

She glared at him defiantly. "The difference is, _I_ have the ship. And _I_ have the pilot. I tell Joker to run, and we run."

"They'd come after you."

"So?"

His sigh matched the weariness in his eyes. "Shepard, the Illusive Man has resources, connections you can't even imagine. Cerberus isn't some merc gang you can wipe out with a singularity and a few well-placed sniper shots."

"I know that!" She looked up at him, eyes full of certainty. "But I'd find a way. He doesn't own me, not even close. _You_ don't own me either, by the way. Not the Alliance. Not the Council. And sure as _fucking hell_ not Cerberus."

She turned away from him to stare out at the lake, memories of Mindoir flashing through her mind. "No one has, no one will, _ever_ own me."

Then she spun back around, arms crossed over her chest. "What was the point? What was this all about, really? Because it sure as hell wasn't about protecting the people on Horizon. Was it just pure sadism? Were you trying to punish me? Trying to throw everything I've lost in my face? Were you –"

"No!" He interrupted her. "Dammit, Shepard, you think this has been easy? You think I've _enjoyed_ it? You think I _like_ deceiving good marines, good people that I respect?"

She met his eyes with her own steely gaze. "I _honestly_ don't know."

He flinched and looked away; walked over to the balcony and dropped his elbows onto the ledge.

"We had ample reason to suspect that Cerberus was actually behind the attacks. Then you show up, two years dead, working…with…Cerberus, but say you're trying to stop the attacks. It was a tangled mess, and _all_ our colonies were in danger – I _couldn't _just leave it alone, Shepard."

She ran her hand through her hair in agitation. The fact that he may have had a valid reason in no way excused what he did to her. _To them._

Of course, it might be that she was less angry with him and more angry at everyone. At the whole fucked-up impossible situation that right now she could see no way through.

Nope, she was angry at him. Maybe not _only_ him, but definitely him.

She narrowed her eyes at his back then joined him at the balcony. "_Why_ would you think they were behind the colony attacks? Cerberus may be evil, but they _are_ pro-human. Why would they orchestrate these attacks?"

"Aside from a hell of a lot of hidden communications and suspicious activities? They turned innocent human colonists into husks; sent mindless Rachni after human soldiers; threw marines into a thresher maw nest. Why _wouldn't_ they kidnap a bunch of humans for experiments?"

She blinked and stared out at the lake. "Whatever else they have done, they're not doing this."

He sighed. "I know. Commander Alenko's report confirmed the Collectors were behind the attack."

She looked over at him sharply. She no longer had the energy, the willpower, to care about appearances of impropriety. "Is he here?"

"No, he stayed on Horizon to help the surviving colonists. And unfortunately he found no evidence the Collectors are working for the Reapers."

She grumbled in frustration. "What did he expect to find, a mind-control chip on a Collector corpse with a stamp that read 'Copyright 2185, Reapers Incorporated'?"

"Shepard, that's unfair."

She raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't mean it's not a valid question."

Anderson sighed and looked away.

She put her elbows on the balcony ledge and dropped her head into her hands. Turned out yelling at Anderson wasn't actually helping. She was exhausted. She had nothing left. Her head hurt. After a minute she looked sideways up at him.

"You could just have a little faith in me, you know. There was a time when you did."

"I very much want to. I _really_ do. It's just…well, you brought up mind-control chips. Shepard, Cerberus could have put a control chip in you, and you wouldn't even know it, wouldn't be aware they are manipulating you. They do it all the time with their operatives."

She shook her head. "Nope. It was apparently quite the important goal that I be brought back _exactly_ as I was before. Miranda – she oversaw this little resurrection project – said she wanted to put a control chip in, but the Illusive Man said no, that he was afraid it might alter my personality or behavior."

He looked at her skeptically. "And you believe this woman? Because she said so?"

"God no. Which is why one of the first things I did was have Chakwas run brain scans on me."

His jaw dropped. "Dr. _Chakwas_ is working for Cerb–"

"_With._" She corrected him in a low, warning tone. "And no – she's working with _me_, no matter who may be signing the paychecks. And I'm damn glad for it. But no control chips. Even better, the brain images are identical to those taken of me after the Eden Prime beacon. _Even better_, my DNA is a match."

She looked at him incredulously. "Did you _really_ think that none of this would occur to me? That I wouldn't worry about all of it? But it turns out I'm _me_. I'm not a machine, or a clone, or a shapeshifter, or an imposter, or a Cerberus zombie. Just me. Graceyn Shepard. Hero of Elysium. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." She practically spat the last one, bitterness filling her voice. "And you damn well _should have_ believed me the first time."

He closed his eyes and leaned hard against the ledge in frustration. "I _couldn't_. Shepard, the story you told is _impossible._"

She clasped her hands together on the ledge and gazed idly out at the lake. "Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong."

He sighed and nodded almost imperceptibly but didn't look at her.

They both were quiet for an uncomfortably long time. Finally he straightened up. "The Alliance is increasing its efforts to protect the colonies. They've doubled patrols on the borders of the Terminus Systems. They've extended an offer to evacuate any colonist who desires it back to Council Space, no charge. They're looking for additional information on the Collectors, on the reason for the attacks."

She just kept staring out at the lake. "It's something."

He turned to her. "Shepard, _you did a good thing_ on Horizon. You saved a lot of innocent lives."

She still didn't look at him. "Not enough."

She took a deep breath. "I don't know what it is, but there is a plan behind these attacks. The Collectors were organized, efficient and ruthless. And they…said things. Strange things. Whatever is going on, it's even more trouble than we realize."

She pushed off the ledge and finally looked at him with weariness and resignation, her voice flat. "I'll forward you any information I find on the Collectors and the attacks. Make sure it gets to the Alliance."

She turned to go, got halfway to the door, then stopped and dropped her head. She didn't turn around. "When you see Kaidan, tell him…tell him I'm sorry. That I hadn't truly understood, and…I'm sorry."

He watched her as she walked away, defeat and exhaustion in every step, and suddenly felt terribly, horribly _guilty_.

"Shepard – "

She looked back over her shoulder and met his eyes – let him see her weariness, her desperation, her sadness – then turned away and walked through the door.

She had never felt so alone. Not since she crawled out of the rubble on Mindoir.

She headed back through the markets wearily. She wanted to get some more fish; they had been good company last night, with their never-ending yet unburdened swimming.

She rounded a corner and was ambushed by that godforsaken bitch reporter.

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. Of all the times…why did it have to be now? She wanted to curl up in the corner and go to sleep.

_That interview earned you nearly as much fame and respect as the Citadel battle; maybe more, to the people that saw it_. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, lifted her chin. _Commander._ _Leader_. _Example_. _Stand up Shepard_.

"The people want to hear your story, Shepard."

She looked over at the woman with a raised eyebrow.

"I…I interviewed you two years ago when you first became a Spectre? You presented yourself very well on camera. Do you have a minute?"

"What, so you can try to do another smear job on me? You spent the whole time trying to make it seem like I was selling out Earth to the Council."

"You may object to my methods Commander, but we're on the same side."

Shepard crossed her arms and gazed at the woman speculatively. "Ms. Al-Jilani, before you turn on that camera…you remember how foolish I made you look the last time we did this? Are you sure, _really sure_, you want to do this again? Because I'm game."

Al-Jilani's eyes widened and she dropped her head for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and looked back up at Shepard with a brave face. "You're back, you're news. I just want to give your story its due."

Shepard nodded then did her very best to plaster on a marine face. It had been so much easier the last time.

The camera light turned on and shone in her eyes. She hoped they reflected as beautifully as they had in the past. And that they weren't too bloodshot…

"Sources claim you were at the heart of the Presidium during the battle of the Citadel. It's fair to say the battle hinged on your words. If true, you told Admiral Hackett to assist the Destiny Ascension, costing hundreds of human lives and securing the continued dominance of the Citadel Council."

Not going to try another smear job, eh? She had to give the woman a measure of credit, she _was_ fearless. Shepard summoned every ounce of strength she had left and looked directly at the camera.

"The Turians lost twenty cruisers – figure each had crew of around 300 – that's 6,000 for those keeping score; the Destiny Ascension had a crew of around 10,000."

"But surely the human cost…"

"The Alliance lost eight cruisers…Shenyang, Emden, Jakarta, Cairo, Seoul, Cape Town, Warsaw, Madrid, and _yes_, I remember them all. _Everyone_ in the Fifth Fleet is a hero; the Alliance owes them all medals – the Council owes them a lot more than that." She shifted her eyes slightly to stare at Ms. Al-Jilani. "And so do you." Then she turned and walked away.

"Commander Shepard. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel."


	29. Kaidan

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 29 **

"**Kaidan"**

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><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em>Chapter Note: This is the first chapter written entirely from a perspective other than that of Shepard. But this story demanded to be told – and who was I to refuse?<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>41 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 1 months, 24 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Kaidan wearily departed the transport ship and stepped onto the Citadel. He had done what he could to help the survivors on Horizon after the Collector attack, but the truth was once the attack was over, so was his assignment. He stopped for a moment, letting the energy of the crowd wash over him. There was a time when he would have gotten quite a charge from walking among the incredible mix of species on the marvel that was the Citadel.

Now all he felt was numb. An empty shell. He might as well be a Husk for all the life he had left in him. He sighed, tried not to think of the loss of everything that mattered, and went to meet with Councilor Anderson.

... ... ...

"Commander, thank you for your work on Horizon. How are the colonists holding up?"

Kaidan sat down across the desk from Anderson. "Honestly, sir, they are devastated. A lot of people were saved, but...I'm not sure the colony will survive."

"Well, at least they have a chance." Anderson let out a breath and put aside the formalities. "I've reviewed your report on Commander Shepard. You believe it is really her?"

Kaidan took a moment to respond, considering the question anew for the hundredth time in the last ten days. On Horizon he had accused her of being a fake, of not even being real. But he had known immediately that it was her. How could it be anyone else when she looked at him that way?

"If it isn't her, it's the best damn copy one could make... No, it's her."

"And working with Cerberus; but Cerberus wasn't behind the attack?"

He looked at Anderson with dead, defeated eyes. "Yes. Working with Cerberus."

He blinked and moved on. "The team she had with her weren't really Cerberus – Garrus Vakarian was with her..." he looked down for a moment and shook his head, not understanding how he could have been _so_ wrong, about so, so much "…and a young woman, seemed to have infiltration training. But – she admitted to being with Cerberus. She said working 'with' them, not 'for' them, I don't even know what that means..."

He looked down again and shook his head roughly, so he didn't see Anderson nod wryly in understanding. After a moment he straightened up in his chair and resumed speaking in a neutral tone. "She saved all the colonists not already on the ship; she wiped out at least a hundred Collectors, got the GARDIAN working, and ran off the Collector ship. If Cerberus was somehow working with them, it was quite the self-defeating mission. And she certainly claimed to be fighting against them. She claimed the Collectors were working for the Reapers."

Anderson looked off thoughtfully. "I know. And if it's the Collectors, why the hell not the Reapers. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if she was right – as usual."

Kaidan looked over at him quizzically. "You know?"

"She paid me a visit after your encounter on Horizon. She was a tad bit miffed that we may have been spying on her…" Kaidan cocked his head ever so slightly to the side, eyes narrowing. _On her?_

Anderson sighed tiredly. "Oh who am I kidding, she was furious. I got the full brunt of Hurricane Shepard. But…but I think it really hurt her, and I'm not at all certain she forgave me. Honestly, I can't blame her."

Kaidan worked to keep his voice even. "What was it like for you seeing her after two years?"

"Well, I'd already..."

"You _son of a_ _bitch_. You had already _what_."

Anderson squeezed his eyes shut. _Fuck. _ Stupid, rookie mistake. He needed to get more sleep. Well, at least the official reasons for secrecy were no longer relevant…but he had selfishly hoped to get out of this without being exposed as the liar he was. "I…had already seen her."

He finally looked back at Kaidan, who looked back at him with barely controlled – hopefully controlled, he didn't care to suffer Vyrnnus' fate – emotion. "She came here about six weeks ago. Convinced the Council to reinstate her Spectre status, albeit barely. Asked for help from the Alliance to fight the colony attacks; help I couldn't give her. Asked where you were; I couldn't give her that either."

Kaidan stared at Anderson in complete and utter disbelief. "Six. _Weeks_. Ago?" His blood felt like it began to boil. The universe and his place in it couldn't take much more upheaval. "_How_ could you not have told me?"

"I'm sorry. I couldn't risk influencing your assessment of her, your opinion of whether it was really her and what the _hell_ was going on. I needed your..._unprepared_ reaction."

Kaidan's mind reeled; he felt dizzy, untethered. Abruptly he stood up and stormed over to the balcony. He leaned hard against the ledge for a moment before spinning around, a faint blue glow surrounding him, biotics radiating freely. "My _unprepared_ – you have _no idea_ what it was like to come around the corner and see her standing there! NO_ IDEA_! I couldn't –"

"Commander, I think you should pause and think a moment before continuing."

Kaidan stared at him, eyes brimming with emotion, jaw clenched. Anderson stared back, eyes pleading – _please don't tell me. As long as you don't say it, I don't know..._

Kaidan turned away and stared out at the lake, fighting to catch his breath. _Control_. _You don't want to accidentally kill yet another superior, do you Alenko?_ He took a long, deep breath, let it out slowly, then turned back around. "You _should_ have told me."

"I know. I'm sorry Commander, I really am. I haven't enjoyed any of this."

After another deep breath Kaidan nodded faintly and came back and sat down, but his face was a mask. Anderson wasn't at all certain Alenko had forgiven him. Honestly, he couldn't blame him.

"What...what was your impression of her, sir?"

Anderson gazed down at his desk for a moment. "I agree with you. I think it's her. She seemed completely herself. Confident, determined, as quick with a laugh as a curse, exasperated with the Council and unintimidated by them – her usual larger than life self. She…treated me like an old friend." He paused, frowning. "The first visit anyway. This second time, she was rather more...dark; uncontrolled, strung out. Maybe even desperate."

_I called her a traitor._

"But she appears to believe in this cause passionately. If I couldn't give her the help she needed, she wouldn't look back in doing whatever she had to in order to stop the colony attacks."

Kaidan smiled weakly. "Sounds like her."

"Yeah."

"If you believed it was really her…why did you need me to confirm it? Why did you need to –" his jaw clenched reflexively "– put me through that?"

Anderson looked at him thoughtfully and sighed. "Because, Commander, I suspect that out of all of us, no one knew her better than you."

Kaidan looked off at the lake in the distance and replied in barely more than a whisper. "I thought I did."

After a moment he turned back. _Suddenly everything was in question; whatever he had thought he knew, he had been wrong._ "She said she _had_ been...dead; that Cerberus had rebuilt her, brought her back. Is that – is there _any_ way that could be true?"

"Cerberus has considerable resources and may very well have access to more advanced medical technology than even the Alliance. But...no, it doesn't seem possible. Bringing the dead back to life? I don't think we're there quite yet. It's impossible." He paused. "But...after this last visit...I believe that _she_ believes it to be true."

He closed his eyes. Oh god. _If she believes it to be true…_

Anderson didn't notice, he was deep in thought. "And the alternative – that she faked her death, betrayed the Alliance to work for Cerberus? That is just as impossible." He shook his head ruefully. "I don't know. I have a guy looking into the medical possibilities. Maybe...I just don't know."

After a moment he straightened up and put the question aside. "Regardless, we have other things to worry about now. With your confirmation of the Collectors being behind the colony attacks, things just got a lot more complicated. We know almost nothing about them. I'm going to need you to focus all your attention on finding out anything and everything we can about them. Go wherever you need to go, use whatever resources you need to use."

Kaidan was trying to listen to Anderson, but all he could think was – _I called her a traitor. What if she isn't?_

"Understood, sir. I'll keep you updated on my findings." He stood, saluted mechanically, and turned to leave the Councilor's office.

Anderson took a deep breath. He owed Alenko this much – probably a whole lot more. "Commander, one more thing. When she was here a few days ago, she asked me to give you a message. She said to tell you that she was sorry. That she hadn't truly understood, and she was sorry. I of course don't know to what she was referring, but that was the message."

Kaidan swallowed. He was going to be sick. "Thank you for passing it along." He managed to make it out the door then collapsed against the wall, head spinning, stomach roiling. After a minute the nausea at least subsided a bit; suddenly aware that Anderson's assistant was staring at him in concern, he gathered himself together and pushed off the wall – but instead of heading for his apartment, he...wandered.

... ... ...

Around every corner was a potential memory of her in waiting. The first three months after she had died – _seemingly died, he corrected himself_ – when traveling to and from work he had frequently found himself standing frozen in a random location, assaulted by memories and unaware of the passage of time. He had finally devised a route with the minimum amount of potential traps.

The last few months the assault had finally started to fade; he could walk through the markets without seeing her stick a gun in Conrad Verner's face and go all Commander Fucking Shepard on the pitiful man in order to save him; without seeing her roll her eyes and put her hands on her hips in exaggerated exasperation at the goofy Salarian researcher Chorban. He had finally started taking the first tentative steps of moving on.

But now it all came rushing back. Those around him were going about their business in the present day; he was walking through a Citadel two years in the past, trapped in the recent nightmare that was Horizon.

None of it made any sense. She _couldn't_ have been brought back to life; it was impossible. But Anderson was right; it was surely just as impossible that she had faked her death and gone to work for Cerberus. He remembered her visceral satisfaction, her irrepressible joy, at blowing up the Cerberus headquarters in the Voyager cluster. _She had been so damn proud of herself._ That memory told him she would never willingly work for Cerberus.

_But she was. _

Perhaps it was not willingly? Did they have some control over her? She had been...off-key…on Horizon; she hadn't said so many of the things he would have thought she would have said. Then again, he hadn't given her much of a chance to do so, had he? Not before accusing her of betraying him, of not even being real, not before raging at her and walking away. He cringed in near physical pain at the memory.

He had been so _angry_ with her. Drowning in emotions, mind reeling, all sense and reason having fled at the sight of her, he had imagined the worst possible things. If she was alive, running around with friends old and new, killing enemies – it could only mean that she had left him; had betrayed him. It didn't make any sense, but there she had been, standing in front of him. _Proof._

He thought back to the morning of the Normandy attack, as he had a thousand times before over the last two years. She had been so full of life, so amazing, she had... No. She wouldn't have deliberately left him that day. She _couldn't_ have.

He willingly lost himself in the memory for a time.

Then he blinked, and she was standing in front of him. His heart stopped.

He blinked again, and realized it was a news vid.

"…_Capetown, Warsaw, Madrid, and yes, I remember them all. Everyone in the Fifth Fleet is a hero, the Alliance owes them all medals; the Council owes them a lot more than that. And so do you."_

God she was beautiful. But she looked so sad. _Maybe even desperate_. The average viewer wouldn't notice; they would see a strong, heroic warrior, shining in the light of the camera. But he knew better.

Over the course of months at her side, in the most trying of circumstances, he had observed, studied, and memorized the whole range of emotions that could pass across her face in an effort to understand what went on behind those sparkling eyes. And on the screen now, she was incredibly sad…and possibly hung over. The idea that she may have gone on a bender after Horizon should stroke his ego but instead just ratcheted the growing guilt up from eleven to twelve.

"Commander Shepard. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. Nine days ago here on the very Citadel she saved. Where has she been the last two years? That remains a mystery for now. But it's safe to say the sacrifices made in the battle that fateful day still weigh heavy on her mind."

_I called her a traitor..._ He turned away.

She had come looking for him. Suddenly, six weeks ago. Why now? Unless…she had been telling the truth. Anderson's words rang in his head. _I believe that she believes it to be true._

If she really believed it to be true – even if it were not – wouldn't that mean that she _hadn't_ deliberately left him; that she _hadn't_ been running around the galaxy with Garrus while he mourned her, longed for her? That she _had_ come looking for him as soon as she could?

He suddenly realized he was standing at the window with the spectacular view of the Citadel arms and the nebula beyond. The window where, more than two and half years ago – a lifetime ago – he had made a complete and utter fool of himself over his brand new, beautiful, larger than life XO.

_"When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you – I mean us – humans – ma'am."_

She had looked over at him and grinned, a full, beautiful, genuine, unguarded grin. Her eyes had sparkled like stars. He was pretty sure he had begun falling in love with her at that moment.

He had never told her he loved her. He had known he loved her, of course. But he had been afraid of the consequences. He had _worried_.

Not until ten days ago, when he spat it at her like an epithet.

He looked out the window. She had always loved scenic views; she became like a child in the face of them, innocent and full of wonder. He thought they made her feel alive – every one an affirmation that she was fulfilling her father's wish.

He closed his eyes, unable to look at the view any longer. _What had he done?_

He turned suddenly in the direction of his apartment, purpose in his step.

He still didn't understand anything. Didn't know what to think, what to feel. Didn't know if she would ever even listen to him again after what he had done to her on Horizon. _God, had he really…_he stopped for a moment and squeezed his eyes shut in agony, but then he resumed his course. She had said to tell him _she_ was sorry; _that she hadn't truly understood, and she was sorry_. That meant he had a chance.

He ran.

He still didn't know what the truth might be. But if he didn't do something, he feared he would never have the opportunity to learn it.

... ... ...

In his apartment, he breathlessly sat down at the terminal. Stared at the blank screen for a long time. Now that he was here he didn't know how to begin, what to say. Finally his fingers moved to the keypad.

_"About Horizon..."_

He stopped and stared at the screen again, took a deep breath, then hit the "Record" button and started to speak.


	30. Zaeed

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 30 **

"**Zaeed"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Zaeed Massani**

**LAST UPDATE: 8 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 22 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I picked up one Zaeed Massani, bounty hunter and mercenary _extraordinaire_, on Omega on my way to procure the noble vigilante Archangel who turned out to be the noble vigilante Garrus Vakarian.

I'll be honest – at the time, I simply hadn't cared. I was a week alive, reeling from the whiplash of death, destruction, resurrection. The fact that Cerberus had apparently seduced some scarred-up, washed-up gun-for-hire with the promise of riches barely registered on my radar.

Whatever.

Now, I am happy to report that, _two_ weeks alive, well on the way to getting my head screwed back on straight, occasionally able to sleep through the night…I still don't care.

No, that's not entirely true, is it? I do care – and I don't _like_ him. He's made a career, a life, out of actions I disagree with on a fundamental level. He's rude, obnoxious and has the manners of a…well, I can't think of a good analogy, but whatever the analogy would be would have a black hole of negative in the place where its manners should be...

Thankfully, he seems to be mostly content to hang out down near engineering, fondling his relics of the good old days and staying out of my way. I'll deal with him and his grudge mission Cerberus _promised _I would take care of…later.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 1 day until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

It's been three days since Horizon.

I was in the workout room today, demolishing the punching bag with a single-minded determination the bag had surely never before been subject to, when Zaeed came in.

He leaned against the mirrored wall, crossed his arms over his chest and regarded me expectantly. I didn't stop punching or look over at him. "Fuck off, Zaeed."

"Hey, it ain't my fault your boy-toy didn't want to come over and play doctor. No reason to get all testy with me."

I glared over at him for a long second then resumed punching. _Did everyone know?_

"Those refinery workers aren't getting any more rescued, Shepard."

"They're probably already dead." I cringed almost immediately; I hadn't meant to say that. The regulatory mechanism in my brain wasn't exactly performing to optimal specifications these days. It had functioned too goddamned well on Horizon, and the ass-kicking I had given it in response had sent it fleeing in the opposite direction. Probably a touch too far in the opposite direction.

"Funny. But nope – I just got word that Vido's settling in nicely, making demands of the refinery owner and raking in the creds."

I stopped punching, steadied the bag, took a deep breath and let it out. "Okay. EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Tell Joker to set a course for Zorya, the coordinates Mr. Sunshine and Bunnies provided us."

"I'm sorry, Commander, I don't have records of a Mr. – "

"_Massani._"

"Of course, Commander."

I looked over at him, hands on my hips. "Happy?"

"Aw hell, Shepard, I don't think anyone has _ever_ described me as 'happy.' But it'll do. You can get back to extracting vicarious vengeance on that bag there. I'm sure it'll solve everything."

"Fuck you, Zaeed." I resumed punching.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 29 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Zorya was a lush, jungle planet, full of plant and animal life. Particularly monkeys.

Monkey-type creatures, anyway. They reminded me of the monkeys on Eletania, the ones that had run off with a data module containing intel on Geth movements that Hackett had sent us to recover while we were hunting Saren…

…_We spent hours chasing the monkeys around in circles, trying desperately to find the one that had swallowed the data module. They were friendly, playful creatures, and at one point three of them crawled up onto Ashley, hanging on to her leg and over her shoulder with apparent glee. She sputtered indignantly and pawed at them angrily, but they easily evaded her attempts to dislodge them. Kaidan pulled up his Omni-tool. "Stop thrashing about and smile for the camera, Ash." She glared at him with eyes so icy they could have frozen Hell, or at least a good lava flow. "Commander, don't let him take that picture!" I grinned at them both in delight. "Oh, I wouldn't dream of…stopping him." After the picture was taken, twice for good measure, we at last took pity on her and helped her extract the monkeys from her person…_

These monkeys weren't quite so friendly. Actually, they seemed to prefer flinging their feces at us to playing with our hair.

I saved the Citadel – saved the galaxy – from the Reapers…at least for a while. In the process, I lost Ash. After, I lost Kaidan. Now, I have shit-flinging monkeys, and…a shit-flinging mercenary. Figuratively speaking, of course. For Zaeed, anyway. Bad trade either way.

_I didn't want to be here – _

– The night before had been the fifth…no, sixth night in a row that I hadn't slept worth a damn. The extended bout with the punching bag had left me physically drained, but, unfortunately, had done surprisingly little for my mental state. Possibly because I didn't actually want to punch Kaidan? Everyone else in the world, perhaps, but not him –

– _but I was here nonetheless._ Zaeed was on the team; Zaeed wasn't going to focus on the mission until this was done. And the mission – stopping the Collectors – was what mattered_. At this point, it was the only thing left that mattered._

Zaeed pulled a comm off the first merc we killed and tapped into their communications. It was quickly apparently that someone had seen the shuttle land; they knew we were here. A deep male voice soon came over the channel.

"This is Santiago. If any of you retreat while these guys are still out there, I'll kill you myself. Now _take care of them_."

Zaeed stopped, eyes narrowed. "Vido. Sounds like he hasn't changed."

I glanced over at him after clearing the next corner. "Why do I get the feeling you two have a past?" They certainly sounded like comrades-in-arms…sleazy, scummy, and without any merit.

Zaeed snorted. "I knew he was a sadistic bastard back when we founded the Blue Suns twenty years ago, but I had no idea just how much of one at the time. So yeah. We have a past."

I stopped short and turned, blocking his path. "Why, _exactly_, didn't anyone – namely, _you_ – inform me that you founded the Blue Suns?"

"Because you didn't ask?"

I just stared at him, not even blinking.

"Because it's not common knowledge! Vido wiped me from the records when he…_displaced_…me. When we started out he ran the books, I led the men. Worked well, for a time. But then he decided to start hiring Batarians. Cheaper labor, he said. Goddamn terrorists, I said."

I suddenly found myself wanting to defend Batarians. Two competing thoughts jumped to the forefront. Did this mean I was growing as a person, or did it mean that I truly detested Zaeed? Maybe I _was_ growing as a person. Not all Batarians were terrorists – some of them were just mercs for… I sighed. Or maybe Zaeed was just really, _really_ repulsive. This was a logic train with no good destination.

I glanced over at Garrus. He was leaning against the bridge railing, staring at the rather beautiful waterfall nearby. He hadn't said a word since we'd landed. Since we'd left, for that matter. But I knew that he was listening, and that he knew a little something about grudges. I closed my eyes briefly. Another problem for another day.

I turned my attention back to Zaeed. "Twenty years is a hell of a long time to hold a grudge."

He railed in indignation. "A grudge! Vido turned my own men against me – paid six of them to restrain me while he held a gun to my head and _pulled the trigger_. For twenty years I've seen that bastard every time I close my eyes, every time I sighted down on a target, every time I heard a gunshot. Don't you call that a goddamned _grudge_."

That was… "You survived a gunshot to the _head_?"

He smirked. "Yeah. And you survived your ship getting disintegrated. A stubborn enough person can survive just about anything. Rage is a hell of an anesthetic."

I had to give him credit – it was a damn good point. So good, in fact, that I made a mental note to remember it…perhaps for a future meeting with the Council…or even with _Anderson_…

... ... ...

Zaeed stood in the middle of the room, completely exposed, with a dozen guns trained on him. I, however, was up against the wall in some small measure of cover. Garrus had recovered his appreciation for cover and was across the room.

"_Vido…"_ The name oozed out of Zaeed's mouth with venom and hatred.

The heavily-armored yet well-groomed man on the balcony shook his head. "Don't be stupid Zaeed, I have a whole squad of bloodthirsty bastards behind me, ready to kill or be killed on my command…you know what, on second thought, take your shot. That way I can put you down like the mad dog you are…_again_."

Zaeed yanked up his rifle and took a shot, at first glance off-target and low – but then the gas started spewing. He shot again and the balcony erupted in flames. The bloodthirsty bastards were now flailing about in circles and patting down flames rather than aiming rifles.

Zaeed stood triumphantly on his personal battlefield. "_Burn_, you son of a bitch."

Vido and what was left of his mercs disappeared through the balcony door, slamming it shut behind them.

"Dammit!" Zaeed looked around for a minute then moved to the main gas pipe into the room. He started slamming down on it with his rifle in rage.

I looked over at him with suspicion. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

A second later the pipe exploded. Everything exploded. I dove for the floor, but Zaeed just stood and smiled in satisfaction. "Opening the gate."

The gas and flames were quickly spreading to the refinery proper – a refinery undoubtedly filled with workers. Satisfied we weren't going to immediately explode, I jumped up and stormed over to him, stopping inches from his scarred face.

"We do _not_ sacrifice innocent lives for the sake of the mission. There is _always_ a better way!"

"What, wandering around in the jungle for hours looking for another way in? Do what you want, I'm going to kill Vido."

He started to move past me. But I had had _enough_ of this shit. He wanted to play this rough? _Fine._

I grabbed his arm as he went by, yanked, swung him around, and cold-cocked him. He stumbled backwards heavily, but stayed on his feet. Well, he _was_ a big guy. I closed the distance the punch had created.

"You are endangering lives, the entire mission, for your own selfish revenge, and I _won't_ have it."

He shook his head, trying to shake off the punch, but then narrowed his eyes at me. "You _really_ want to do this, Shepard?"

"Yes, I _do_. But unfortunately, thanks to you, we have a burning refinery to save!" I glared at him then threw my hands up and headed through the door. He followed me – though it may have been more due to the fact that Vido had gone in the same direction…

Shouts soon rang out from above. I looked up to see several men hanging over a ledge. "Help, we're trapped! We can't get to the gas valves to shut them off, this whole place is going to blow!"

I nodded. "Hang on – we'll get you out!"

Zaeed snarled. "No time, Shepard. Vido's halfway to the shuttle docks by now."

I whirled on him, incredulous. "You're willing to watch these people _die_ for your vengeance?"

"Damn right I am. We stop to help these people, Vido gets away. And if he gets away, I'm blaming _you_."

He was staring at me dangerously. And Zaeed Massani was a dangerous man, of that I had no doubt. But on a good day – hell, on an _average_ day – I wasn't afraid of dangerous men. Aware and properly respectful of the danger they posed – but not afraid. And on a bad day, _well_…they needed to be afraid of _me_…

"We are here to free these people, and that is _exactly_ what we are going to do." I shoved a finger hard into his chest. "And by goddamn, _you_ are going to help."

He held his stare another few seconds…then turned away. "We'd better hurry then."

I took my hollow victory and moved in to the refinery.

... ... ...

My hair smelled of gas and smoke. My armor was charred in several places – and smelled of gas and smoke. I leaned against the wall and coughed up fumes as Garrus and Zaeed ran across the room towards me. The sprinkler system rained down water on everything; I turned my face upward and let it wash the soot away.

For half a second I was as a child dancing in a rainstorm. Innocent. Free. _Alive._

But then Zaeed blew past me and through the door. I took a deep breath, pushed aside the frivolous vision, and followed him.

The shuttle was taking off, doors still open, Vido smirking triumphantly as Zaeed ran towards the shuttle. Vido raised a hand at him, middle finger extended. Zaeed pulled up short and sent a barrage of gunfire at the shuttle. Vido laughed – until a bullet whizzed past him and took out the merc behind him. The doors quickly shut as the shuttle sped away.

Zaeed whirled around in rage, gun quickly aiming at…me. "You just cost me twenty years of my life!"

I had put up a _barrier_ immediately on exiting the door, so I wasn't in immediate fear of my life, but this wasn't going to be easy or fun. Not that anything was _fun_ at this point – or may ever be fun again. _God but I was grim._ Out of the corner of my eye I saw Garrus sight down on Zaeed's head. I motioned a hand down flat in Garrus' direction – _hold, but don't take the shot…not yet_.

I started to make a move when a large explosion shook the platform, dislodging several large beams, sending one flying in our direction. It caught Zaeed full-on, knocked him to the ground, and landed hard across his leg; his gun went skidding across the platform out of reach.

I dropped my chin to my chest. I was _done_. Done with the murderers and mercenaries and crazy people. Done with the manipulating Cerberus operatives and the deceiving Alliance brass. Done with a world where every choice was gray.

I lifted my chin to look at him, writhing on the ground in agony. My voice was flat. "You started this fire, Zaeed, it makes sense that you should burn in it." I turned to walk away.

"Screw you, Shepard! Get this fucking beam off me!"

I turned halfway back and cocked my head idly to the side. "I'm not sure I need a man like you on my ship, Zaeed. I think maybe I can't trust you to get the job done."

"Bullshit! If you didn't need me, Cerberus wouldn't have paid my fee. Now stop screwing around!"

My eyes narrowed and my gun rose. "I frankly don't give a fuck what the _Illusive_ Man thinks I _need_. He's not the one who killed a Reaper and saved the galaxy – that would be _me_. And _I_ think I don't need you."

He dropped his head back on to the ground. "Dammit, Shepard – I don't want to die! Not here, helpless, beaten, broken! Dammit!" He slammed a fist into the floor.

_Shit. Everything, shades of gray. What happened to black and white? Where did it go?_

_The stoic, removed, observant part of my brain oh-so-helpfully noted that perhaps it went with the Alliance…with Kaidan…my moral compass. I retorted to myself that I had possessed a perfectly functional moral compass long before I met Mr. Alenko, before even I joined the Alliance…I've just misplaced it._

"Zaeed, you put your own goals ahead of the mission. That is not the way this works – that is not the way it can _ever_ work. Is this something you can comprehend?"

"It's just…I've survived this long looking out for nothing but myself – I've never had to do it any other way! But you've made your point. I'll put aside my damn vendetta, I'll do what you ask of me, I'll follow your orders. You're the boss – I get it, I do. Just…get this goddamn beam off me…_please_…"

I stared at him for several seconds, waiting for the last, true acquiescence in his eyes. He gave it, and I nodded and motioned for Garrus to come over and help. "I'm going to hold you to this one, Zaeed."

He looked up at me. "I don't doubt that, Shepard. I really don't."

... ... ...

Now I sit here at my terminal, and…I just don't know. We rescued almost all of the workers from the refinery, which was ostensibly the primary goal of the mission. However, the refinery _did_ blow up, which probably isn't what the owner was looking for.

But none of it was really about that. It was about Zaeed. Truthfully, if I had had my wits about me when I met him on Omega a month ago, I would have left him there. Cerberus promises be damned. He is a very skilled fighter, no doubt. Shrewd, calculating, smart on the field of battle. But he is the kind of man I have fought against my entire military career. He _founded_ the Blue Suns, one of the most dangerous mercenary organizations in the galaxy. Killers. I honestly don't think that I want to save the galaxy with that kind of man at my side.

But I'm not a murderer, and I couldn't leave him to die.

This was also about Cerberus, and their control over my mission. Over me. Kaidan had been right about that – Cerberus does have control, too much control, over me. I have told myself, tried to pretend, that they don't. _But they do._ The disfigured former mercenary leader in the basement of the ship proves that fact better than Kaidan ever could. I'm going to need to work on that.

But how? I have questioned EDI about Cerberus every which way I know how – I would make an Alliance-trained interrogator proud. But in the end, nothing but a brick wall. "Blocks." I know she – it – has important, vital information hidden away in her circuits. Information I can use. I don't know how, but I know I can use it. If only I can get at it.

I wonder what would happen if I let a hacker…a really good hacker…loose on EDI. Maybe Kasumi…?

I need to give this more thought. A lot more thought.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 14 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I walked in to Zaeed's room to find Grunt staring at the rifle on the table, hands on his hips.

"…killed my way across the Terminus Systems with that gun…seemed like Jessie wanted to kill more than I did, bloodthirsty girl."

Grunt frowned – probably – and looked over at Zaeed. "But…a weapon is an inanimate object. It doesn't carry emotion. Correct? The tank said nothing about weapons possessing independent thought."

Zaeed chuckled. "That may be, but you never met Jessie. The day I retired her was the saddest day of my life. About five year ago, I was taking out this Batarian gang…she just kept firing, wiped them all out. Finally, the leader was all that was left, he got up close on me, I pulled the trigger, and…nothing. She had finally jammed. I shoved her butt through his face, got the job done. But nothing could fix Jessie after that…seemed like she'd finally had enough blood and was ready to rest. Been resting ever since."

Grunt turned around to see me standing there, leaning against the door. "Shepard, I do not understand. Is this human really saying that this…gun…is alive? Are you certain he is intelligent enough to fight in your clan against the Collectors, with such thoughts in his head?"

"Hey – "

I motioned Zaeed to stand down and tried not to laugh too much. "It's…complicated, Grunt. No, Zaeed does not believe that his gun is alive. He just feels a particular kinship with it due to having fought many battles using it is all."

Zaeed grumbled. "Says you…"

Grunt threw up his sizable hands. "You humans are strange. Just give me a gun and I will shoot it. Don't care which gun. I'm going to find sustenance." He ambled out.

Zaeed looked over at me. "A _Krogan_, Shepard?"

"Give him a chance. He might surprise you."

"And he might not. So what can I do for you, Commander? I doubt you're here to ask me to accompany you to the finer establishments of Ilium today. Which is fine with me, I left my tuxedo back on Omega anyway. So what'll it be? Need me to go rough up your boy-toy for you?"

I gave a slight smile. "Thank you, but that won't be necessary. I just wanted to see how you were doing. The leg's healed up okay?"

He sighed. "Hell, it aches like a bitch when I lay down…but it'll get the job done."

I nodded. "Check in with Chakwas if the pain gets too bad."

"Fuck, Shepard, I got _shot in the head_. A little leg spasm ain't gonna take me down."

I chuckled briefly. "Fair enough. Listen…" I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I…_considered_…leaving you down there on Zorya. Whatever differences we may have – and don't misunderstand, they are significant, and if you ever disobey a direct order from me again I'll have your balls as decorative art in my fish tank – I'm not the kind of person that does that. Abandons someone to die. I wasn't in a very good place at the time, but that wasn't your fault, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Damn, Shepard, I might be mistaken, but that sounded like an _apology_."

I rolled my eyes in mock exasperation. "Well, don't get used to it – I'm pretty sure it's the only one you'll be getting."

"Yeah, yeah, fine. I don't get many apologies, and deserve even fewer of them. I'll take what I can get."

I nodded in acknowledgement, a measure of understanding perhaps reached between us, and turned to go.

He called out after me. "And Shepard, for what it's worth, I'm with you to the end. We live, I'll get Vido. We die, I'll do it knowing I died a better man than him."

"Thank you, Zaeed."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 8 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I ran into Zaeed while grabbing dinner this evening. I had a bite of food halfway to my mouth when he propped a foot on the bench next to me and rested an elbow on his knee.

"Hey, Shepard – I heard you made up with your boy-toy. Too bad, I was really hoping you'd let me have a run at him one of these days."

I looked sideways up at him, an eyebrow raised. "That, Mr. Massani, is none of your damn business. But, out of curiosity, why _are_ you so eager to take a swing at Kaidan? You've never even met him."

He looked away, _almost_ as though he were embarrassed. "Aw hell, Shepard. I just figure any man that disrespects you is due a good ass-kicking on general principle is all." He straightened up. "All the same to me though. You ask me, romance is bullshit – been twenty years since I've been able to remember the name of a woman for more than a week after she left my bed."

I looked down at my plate, then back up at Zaeed, and chuckled wryly. "I'll…keep that in mind, Zaeed."

He removed his foot from the bench and nodded brusquely. "Okay then. Though, seeing as he isn't actually _here_ to play doctor, if you find you have an itch you can't scratch – "

" – and that, I'll forget immediately."

"Right. Commander." He stalked off, head held very, _very_ high.

I had no idea what to make of it all at the time. But it occurs to me now that it is possible – just possible, mind you – that Zaeed's repeated, completely inappropriate offers to "take care" of Kaidan and…various other "problems"…could be his way of showing respect. Affection, even. To the very, very limited extent that such a concept even exists to such a man as Zaeed, of course.

I'll be damned.


	31. From the Ruin

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 31 **

"**From the Ruin"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note:<strong>__ If you haven't heard the recording of the "About Horizon" message read by Kaidan's voice actor, Raphael Sbarge, you definitely should listen to it – it will transform the way you view that message. I can't link to it, but search YouTube for "Sbarge Horizon." Shepard's response in this chapter is adapted from my one-shot "Re: About Horizon", modified and expanded to reflect how this story has developed._

* * *

><p><em><strong>41 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 1 months, 24 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

"Let me come with you."

She glanced over at Garrus as she slid into her armor. "I'll be fine."

Garrus grumbled in frustration. "Shepard, with all due respect, I'm not sure you will be. And _no one_ would fault you for _not_ being fine. I'll stay out of your way – I'll even stay in the shuttle. Just let me come with you. _Please._"

She finished fastening her boots, stood up and turned to face him. "I understand what you're saying, Garrus. And I appreciate the concern, I really do. But I need to do this alone."

He stared at her. "You're not going to back down on this, are you?"

She gave him a sad smile. "Nope."

He sighed in resignation. "Okay. Just…take care of yourself down there."

She nodded. "I will."

A young man wearing the ubiquitous Cerberus uniform approached her. "Commander, the monument is loaded on the shuttle. I'll be piloting today; I'm ready to go when you are."

She glanced over at him as she checked the seals on her armor. "Thank you, Mr. …Remling, correct? That won't be necessary. I'm perfectly capable of piloting a simple shuttle."

"But…Ms. Lawson instructed that…"

She cocked her head at him. "Is Ms. Lawson commander of this ship?"

"Um…no, ma'am."

"Who is commander of this ship?"

"You are, ma'am."

"Excellent. Your services are not required."

"Understood, ma'am." He replied, eyes wide, then turned and scurried off.

She didn't make a habit of it for strategic reasons, but she _could_ pilot a shuttle. When she had entered the Academy she had even briefly considered becoming a pilot. But she was a biotic, and biotic abilities weren't of much use in the cockpit. Perhaps more importantly, human biotics were still rare and treasured by the military. Accordingly, her instructors had _urged_ her to focus her talents elsewhere, where her biotic talents could be put to a "greater purpose." It had been a pleasant surprise when she discovered that Special Forces training included basic piloting, and she had relished later opportunities to satiate the urge to fly through the stars.

She settled into the cockpit, took a deep breath, and departed the hold of the Normandy for the surface of Alchera.

... ... ...

She stepped out of the shuttle then stopped, frozen in awe and in horror.

The wreckage of the Normandy was strewn as far the eye could see. Large sections of the ship were remarkably intact; others were shattered into a hundred pieces, some less than a meter in length. The Mako rested diagonally on an outcropping of rocks, ten feet in the air. She chuckled quietly and almost wished she _had_ brought Garrus along – if only so she could rib him about needing that Mako fixed ASAP…

At last she took another two steps away from the shuttle. Her eyes scanned across the debris scattered in every direction, surrounded by snow and ice and silence. She gazed up at the stars, at the aurora borealis dancing across the sky. It was extraordinarily beautiful…but a sense of desolation began creeping through the suit, into her skin. She stared at the scene laid before her. The wreckage of the Normandy. The wreckage of her life.

She smiled bitterly at her melodramatic self-pity and started off on her task.

... ... ...

A tiny shimmer caught her eye in the snow. Another dog tag. She leaned down to grab it, but it seemed to be stuck. She pushed some snow out of the way. It was sticking out of a block of ice, the bottom half of it frozen in the ice.

She knelt down on her knees and started digging the snow away. When the dog tag was fully exposed she grabbed it and pulled. It didn't budge. Frustrated, she yanked off a glove to get a better grip. Shit it was _cold_. She grabbed the icy dog tag and pulled. Nothing. _Goddammit! _

A wave of despair crashed over her, all the pain, all the loneliness, all the frustration of the past month and a half suddenly overwhelming her. She hit the snow with her gloved fist – hard.

_Searing pain shot through her arm as her fist hit solid ice beneath the snow, all the thoughts in her head washed away by a wave of agony. _

_Holy fuck that hurt_!

She sucked in a sharp breath, gasping at the pain – and viciously struck the ground with her ungloved fist.

Then she was pounding her fists into the snow and ice, over and over, welcoming the pain, letting it relentlessly crash through her – even as tears flowed freely to the ground and became part of the ice. Snow flew up and around her; her bare hand caught the sharp edge of the ice block several times and her knuckles began to bleed profusely. Eventually rivulets of blood seeped into the snow, turning it bright red before freezing.

She abruptly stopped and stared in fascination at the frozen rivulets of blood. Her blood splattered in the ruin of Alchera, once again.

She groaned through the pain. God, she was a pathetic mess! She _had_ to pull herself together. In this condition she wouldn't even be able to save herself, much less her team, her ship, and the rest of the colonies from the Collectors.

She reached down and gently wiggled the dog tag; it slid smoothly out of the ice and into her bloody hand. She sighed and stood up, put her glove back on, then moved to a nearby beam and sat down wearily. She dropped her chin onto her non-bloody palm and gazed out at the wreckage.

She berated herself silently. She was _alive_, when so many had died here, on this spot and in the space above it. They had died serving the Alliance. They had died serving her. They deserved her respect. They surely deserved that she not diminish their sacrifice by diminishing her life.

She looked over at her busted, ruined helmet she had found and set off to the side. She had died here too. _Only she had lived to remember it._ For the briefest moment she wondered if that was a worse fate – then she quickly stood up and punched the broken crate next to her. It shattered into a dozen shards across the snow.

How could she _possibly_ even conceive of such an idea? Her father would be so ashamed of her. _She_ was ashamed of her. To be alive when anyone else in all the universe would be dead was a miracle – how _dare_ she question its value!

She shook her head roughly, trying to clear it of the despair poisoning her mind. Why was it that this wreckage mattered so much? Why had the sight of it brought her to her knees? The near-year spent on the Normandy was _not_ the entirety of her life. Before she had ever set foot on the ship now lying in pieces around her, she had done great deeds. She had lived large and brightly. She had won medals and made her mark in her profession. She had even earned a nickname, one coined and spread in galactic media.

She had done all these things before the age of thirty. If she had never boarded the Normandy, she still would have been famous, respected, admired – she would have _lived_.

But the simple fact was she had never felt _so_ alive as on board the Normandy. With the most advanced ship in the Alliance fleet, the authority of the Citadel Council, a one-of-a-kind crew and a vital mission, she had taken a worthwhile life and transformed it into a _remarkable_ life; a singular life. A life that had reverberated throughout the galaxy.

Then she had died – only to be reborn. Reborn to a life alone, displaced in time, cut off from all she had known before, working with the enemy, distrusted by former allies, branded a traitor by the only man she had ever loved. She had been reborn – but was there anything left of her?

When she crawled out of the rubble on Mindoir, she had lost _everything_. Everything she had ever known, everything she had ever loved. Everything except _herself_. And that had been enough – enough to take tragedy and turn it into a life of adventure, even of joy. She looked around at the ruin surrounding her. Here she had lost _everything_ again. Had she made it out of this rubble with herself?

She took a long, deep breath of the frigid air and reveled in the sharp burning of her lungs.

_Yes._

There was simply no other option, no other choice. No choice but to put aside the pain and _live_. If she gave in to despair now, it would have all been for nothing. All of it. She had to keep going, find a way to survive, find a way to shine again. She just needed to remember how.

_Take note Graceyn, there is indeed no greater gift than to be alive. In your weakest moments, remember this._

She gazed again at the wreckage. Why _was_ it that it mattered so much? Because she had never felt so alive as on board the Normandy, yes. But also…because of what she had _done_ while commanding the Normandy. She _had_ taken a worthwhile life and transformed it into a remarkable life; a singular life, a life that had reverberated throughout the galaxy.

She had done so by _saving the entire fucking galaxy_. By pushing onward relentlessly until she found the key to defeating a Reaper set to rain down destruction and genocide upon the galaxy. By tracking, destroying and killing – well, sweet-talking into suicide, but she would have been happy to pull the trigger herself – the right hand of the devil himself.

By defying the greatest authority in the galaxy to act when no one else dared. Because it was right, and because she truly believed she could save them all. And she _had_ saved them all.

She hadn't lost _that_. They couldn't take that away from her. Even death couldn't take that away from her. And being reborn _sure as hell_ couldn't take it away from her.

She was Commander Fucking Shepard, Hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel. She was also _so_ much more.

And she was alive.

_There is no greater gift than to be alive._ A smile slowly crept its way across her face, pulling at her lips, until a genuine, full grin shone, seeming to light the ruin before her.

She stood up straight, squared her shoulders, and strode to the next glittering reflection in the snow. Two to go.

* * *

><p>Back in her quarters, showered and enveloped in warm, dry clothes, band-aids covering the knuckles of her left hand, she sat down at the terminal and hit "Reply" to Hackett's message.<p>

_Admiral Hackett: _

_I was able to recover all the missing dog tags and will send them to your attention at my next stop. I also placed the memorial statue in a worthy location. _

_I don't know your motivations in asking me to perform these tasks – but I need to tell you, that was the most gut-wrenching, painful experience of my life, and that includes witnessing my parents' murder. If you wanted to remind me how much I have lost, rest assured you succeeded. If you, like Councilor Anderson, haven't decided whether I'm really me and thought perhaps you could glean some clue by the manner in which I conducted this assignment…well, I hope you have your answer. _

_But you have also given me a tremendous gift – the opportunity to remember who I am. And for that alone, I thank you._

_That being said, don't ask such a thing of me again._

_- Commander Shepard_

She hit "Send" then stood up and went to pour a glass of wine. She sipped it idly while she stood gazing at her fish, pondering her next step, when she noticed out of the corner of her eye the light on the terminal blinking. She frowned. Surely Hackett hadn't responded so quickly; she frankly didn't expect him to respond at all.

She went back to the terminal and raised the glass to her lips as she opened the message window. The glass froze touching her lips, wine sloshing around inside it.

_"About Horizon"_

She closed her eyes and drew in a long, slow breath. She didn't know what awaited her on the other side of that message header. If she had received it four hours ago, before Alchera…if it had been cruel, cold…

But she hadn't received it then, she was receiving it now. And she could take whatever it held. She downed the entire glass in a single, long swallow – just in case – then opened the message.

His voice filled the room, thick with emotion. _"Shepard."_

She leaned back in the chair, closed her eyes and let it surround her.

"_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon._ _I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy."_

"_It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on._ _I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel, nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?"_

"_Then…I saw you…and…"_

– he was silent for a long time; she could hear him breathing, imagine him trying to find the words –

"…_everything just…pulled hard to port. I mean you were standing in front of me, but…you were with Cerberus." _

– at the word _Cerberus_ his voice went flat, just as it had on Horizon; she cringed –

"_I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you…do you even _remember_ that night before Ilos? That last night in Vancouver? Do you remember _anything_ of us? Those nights…meant…_everything_ to me... maybe they meant as much to you." _

– she squeezed her eyes shut tighter as the raw pain in his voice reverberated around and through her –

"_But…a lot has changed in the last two years and I _can't_ just put that aside. But…please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy." _

– for a moment his voice dropped to a whisper, she could barely hear him –

"_And I just couldn't bear it if I lost you again." _

– but then he regained his bearings, his voice strong, clear –

"_If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks._ _But Cerberus is…Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted! Watch yourself."_

– silence; a deep breath, let out slowly –

"_Look…when things settle down a little…maybe…I don't know." _

"_Just take care."_

She let out a breath. Had she breathed at all while she listened? She looked at the terminal, hit "Play", and listened again. Then again, pacing around her quarters. Again, sitting cross-legged on the bed. But when it was done this time, she remained on the bed.

The thoughts running around in circles in her head while listening over and over were too jumbled to be put into words or made sense of. But when the room was silent, she began to impose order on the chaos.

What had he said, really? More importantly, what had he meant? There was guilt and regret; there was love and pain – but there was also suspicion, wariness, caution. So much caution.

_He still didn't believe her. _

Or at the very least, he didn't know what to believe. He apparently didn't hate her, which meant he believed…something.

If there was nothing else, at least there was a lack of abject hatred.

She could work with that.

... ... ...

She sat down at the terminal, then checked behind her to make sure any and all evidence of Cerberus was out of sight.

She figured she had one chance at this – one chance to _make_ him understand. She had to make it count. She took a deep breath then reached over and turned on the terminal camera and began to speak.

"_Kaidan…_thank you_. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm sorry as well – when I saw you, alive and mostly unharmed, my normally formidable 'way with words' utterly abandoned me. I had been so, _so_ afraid they had taken you. I couldn't seem to catch up to what was happening, and I did a terrible job of trying to explain things." _

"_I don't blame you for not believing me…though I do wish you could have found your way through to trusting me a little, if only for a moment." _

– she couldn't keep the passion out of her voice as the words started pouring out in a rush –

"_I should have chased after you, tackled you, held you down until you listened, until you trusted me a little, if only for a moment. I've regretted letting you walk away every second since you did."_

– she took a long, deep breath and regained her composure, then looked directly into the camera with determination –

"_I am not on the side of Cerberus; I never will be. You know that; you _must_. I can't go into detail here…just know that I, too, am and will always be an Alliance marine, in my heart if not always in the uniform."_

"_But I do need to explain. I promise I haven't been hiding from you, the Alliance or anyone else for the last two years. I did...die…when the Normandy was attacked. Cerberus launched an operation, recovered my body – lifeless or near enough to it – from the planet's surface, and spent two years and the most cutting-edge tech in the galaxy "rebuilding" me, as it were." _

"_I know, that sounds very Frankensteinian, but I swear – I _swear_ – to you I am the same person I ever was. I lost consciousness from an O2 leak as I hurtled towards Alchera's surface two years ago, and I woke up for the first time 41 days ago, with all my memories, my sense of self, all my... everything…exactly the same." _

"_Other than a bit of horror from asphyxiation that I can't quite shake, it was little different than going to sleep for the night and waking up the next morning. Only your name was on my lips when I woke up, Kaidan."_

– she grinned, mischief mixed with sadness –

"_Though, actually, that also wasn't that different than so many of the mornings in the weeks before that day, was it?"_

"_So do I even remember that night before Ilos? Do I remember Vancouver? For you it was years ago; for me, months. God, if I close my eyes I can still feel you…the bedroom in this fake Normandy is close enough to the real one that when I lay in bed at night I can almost see you next to me…"_

– her voice cracked –

"_Yes, they meant everything to me…_everything_…"_

– she looked away and closed her eyes, but then back at the camera resolutely, confidently –

"_You need to know that the first thing I did once I had a ship under my control was go to the Citadel to look for you. Anderson stonewalled me. He convinced the Council to reinstate my Spectre status – at least I'm not an outlaw – told me there was little the Alliance could do to help me go after the Collectors, and refused to tell me where you were. So I started off on my mission, but…I've always been looking for you."_

"_You also need to know that…what you said on Horizon, about me not being real…I understand. I've had the same doubts. But…I've had tests run, by those I trust, and I _am_ me. I don't have a control chip, my brain scans are identical, my DNA is a match, my...everything is the same. Cerberus did exactly what they claim to have done – they brought me back from the dead. I know it seems impossible, but…it isn't. I'm me. The woman you…" _

– she glanced away…for all her projected confidence, she couldn't finish the sentence; she took a deep breath and her voice and expression softened –

"_I'm so sorry for the pain you went through after I died. I would _never_ want you to go through that again…which is why I ask that, for now, this be the end of our communication. The mission I am undertaking is incredibly risky, and there's a good chance that my 'resurrection' will turn out to be a temporary condition." _

"_We are working on finding a way through the Omega 4 Relay, to try to destroy the Collectors' base of operations. Not immediately – we are still working on a solution and putting together a team – it will be a few weeks at least. I will take every precaution available…but if there is a real chance to stop these attacks you _know_ I have to try. It's what I do."_

"_If I am successful and return safely, I will message you as soon as I can. I'd really, _really_ like to take you up on that 'maybe.'" _

– she looked down for the briefest moment but then lifted her chin high –

"_If, however, I don't make it back – I would have you be happy. _Live_, and be happy. It's all I ever wanted for you." _

... ... ...

She stopped the recording but kept her hand over the terminal; for the briefest second she almost deleted it and walked away.

He had given her the smallest, most tenuous lifeline – and she had grabbed ahold of it with both hands, thrown her entire weight onto it. She recognized that it might scare him away…but she had no choice. It was the only thing she could do.

She hit "Send." Then she stood up and went to talk to Joker and EDI about infiltrating Geth space.


	32. Tali

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 32 **

"**Tali"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note:<strong>__ Now for a brief change in perspective. In this particular instance, I think it is more interesting to see what Tali is thinking, what she is going through, than what Shepard thinks of Tali. It is also an opportunity, after all that Shepard has experienced recently, to step back and take a look at her journey from the outside. _

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF TALI'ZORAH VAS NEEMA<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: Personal Reflections<strong>

**SUBJECT: Anything. Everything**

**LAST UPDATE: 4 days before Activation of Omega 4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 3 months, 5 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Shepard is alive.

I don't know how – I don't know what happened – there wasn't time to ask those sorts of questions. But it _was_ her. And for reasons I can't fathom, she was with Cerberus…

For the last several months I had been tracking Geth activity in the Terminus Systems – always careful to be two steps behind, going where they had been, recovering data and when possible, hardware to be sent back to my father for use in his research. Then a call came in from the Migrant Fleet. The human colony of Freedom's Progress had just been attacked, and our records indicated that a young quarian named Veetor'Nara was visiting there on his Pilgrimage. While as a rule we are left to our own devices to succeed or fail on our Pilgrimage, in such an obvious life-or-death situation exceptions are often made. A request was made for me to divert to Freedom's Progress and retrieve Veetor if possible; if not, to attempt to determine his fate.

We found a colony bereft of all life. The colonists weren't dead – they were just gone. Such a thing, though horrifying, would be outside the scope of most quarians' concern. But my time with Shepard and her crew two years ago had given me a wider perspective on the galaxy and its inhabitants.

Only the colony apparently wasn't as deserted as it had first appeared – while attempting to puzzle out the problem of the vanished colonists we were attacked by mechs. After taking shelter we were able to pinpoint Veetor's likely location via his suit's locator signal. At the time no other life forms registered on our radar…which strongly suggested that Veetor had activated the mechs.

The briefing I received had indicated that Veetor was a nervous, skittish young man. If he was here when _whatever_ happened here took place, it was entirely possible that it had driven him over the edge into madness. We were reviewing the layout of the colony, trying to come up with a plan to get past the mechs and to Veetor, when the door opened. In walked a human man and woman, and then…Shepard.

I honestly can't say how long I stood there staring at her, trying to comprehend what I was seeing. Shepard has a memorable face, memorable hair, remarkably memorable eyes – it would be impossible to mistake someone else for her. On the other hand…her face now had strange scarring, exposing what appeared to be cybernetics underneath. Her skin was paler than I remembered.

She greeted me as an old friend, genuinely and enthusiastically. She smiled at me, and any doubt I may have had that it was her was erased.

She spoke with ease and authority, obviously in charge of those with her. Later, when we had found Veetor (after a disastrous incident that resulted in Prazza's death and other complications that are included in my official report), she was…kind…to him. In that way Shepard has, she somehow managed to persuade him to call off the mechs, calm him, and get him to provide information on the attack. I don't think I'll ever understand how she always seems to…recognize what a person needs most in a given moment, then give them _just enough_ of it to get from them what _she_ needs.

But in the moments she wasn't talking or shooting, and I was able to catch a glimpse of her eyes, they were…haunted. Troubled. Not so clear and bright as I remembered. It was as if her body was here but her mind was miles, or years, away.

She asked me to go with her, but I couldn't. I'm not on my Pilgrimage any longer. As an adult and a contributing member of the Migrant Fleet I have my own responsibilities, my own obligations. My father is a member of the Admiralty Board. Much is expected of me. As a matter of fact I've already received a request to report back to the Fleet in order to discuss an "important" assignment.

If all that were irrelevant, would I have gone with her? I don't know. For one, she was with Cerberus personnel. After their vicious attack on the Fleet most quarians would as soon shoot a Cerberus agent on sight as work with them. Even before that, during our hunt for Saren, we saw what atrocities Cerberus committed.

Which is why it doesn't make any sense. Shepard despised Cerberus. I know she did. She even made a point to blow up their entire operations in the Voyager cluster. Why in Keelah's name is she with them now?

More importantly, how is she even alive?

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 17 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

The Admiralty Board is sending me into Geth space. It's an important assignment, an indication of their belief in my abilities and an acknowledgement that I am deserving of greater responsibility. I am honored.

Of course, my father is particularly…well, 'excited' is not a word I would use to describe him…but eager at least, for me to undertake this mission. A potential treasure trove of defunct Geth hardware awaits me, apparently. I am…annoyed?...at his continued requests for Geth parts I come across during my work. I know he is doing important work researching weapons that will be effective against the Geth, that we can use against them should we need to…or want to. I understand that he needs actual Geth technology in order to fully test that weaponry. I do.

But my entire life I have had the warnings drilled into my head – _Geth technology is dangerous; Geth circuitry is adaptive, all it needs is a toehold and it will take over an entire network; even seemingly dead Geth are a risk…_ I heard it over and over in school; I hear it before every mission. I believe it. Which means that in order to send parts back to my father, I have to spend precious time checking _every one_ of them to make certain it is incapable of being reactivated. Time I could otherwise spend working or, I don't know, perhaps _sleeping_?

Beyond that admittedly selfish annoyance though…this wouldn't have been my first choice of assignment. We will be investigating strange anomalies coming from the star orbited by our former colony Haestrom. It is becoming increasing unstable, almost as though it is aging rapidly; it shows signs of transforming into a red giant. Our scientists currently have no viable theories on how such a thing could be happening, and I will be leading a team to further investigate.

The unusual activity of Haestrom's sun is a perplexing issue, no doubt. Even an important one. But I'm not a scientist – I'm an engineer. I want to be in the depths of a ship, fine-tuning its drive core, rewiring its systems, tweaking its VI. My hands have gotten "dirty", as humans say (most quarians would shudder in horror at such a phrase – I know I did the first time I heard it), far too little these last two years, and they are unlikely to do so on this mission.

On the other hand, Kal'Reegar will be in charge of our security detail…

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 20 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I sit here alone, waiting to die. The sounds of battle rage outside – but I am locked in this bunker, unable to help them. The members of my security team are strong, brave fighters, led by the strongest and bravest, but it is only a matter of time until the Geth completely overwhelm them. Then the Geth will hack this door, and I will die.

We've been on Haestrom for three weeks. Three weeks in which the science team under my command took readings, studied data, took more readings. All while we hid from the star's deadly rays – and from the Geth patrols. We had at last collected sufficient data to take back to the Fleet, to study and try to find an answer, and were nearly ready to depart.

But then the Geth found us. Their dropships swarmed in without warning; most of the science team was out taking final readings and were slaughtered in the first wave. I happened to be inside making arrangements for our departure when they arrived; Kal locked me in here. The last thing he said was "I'll make sure you live and get that data back to the Fleet if it's the last thing I do, ma'am."

I think it may be the last thing he does.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 20 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

So much has happened in the last eight hours. I scarcely know where to begin. For one, I'm onboard Shepard's Cerberus ship. For another, Shepard, ever the savior, once again saved my life. She also saved the life of Kal'Reegar, and for that I will be forever grateful.

Then she asked me to fight for her.

"_Tali, you know that video we saw of the Collectors on Freedom's Progress? Well, they're not stopping – but neither am I. I'm going after them, hard – and once you deliver that data, I'd love to have you on my team."_

_When Shepard looked at you like that, it was a rare person that could refuse. I was not that rare person. "I'd be honored, Shepard."_

_Kal looked back and forth between us for a moment, then nodded to himself. "I can get the data to the Fleet, ma'am, no problem. She's all yours now, Shepard. Keep her safe."_

... ... ...

Now I'm on a Cerberus ship. Or is it Shepard's ship? Or is it the AI's ship? The answer isn't entirely clear. It has "Normandy" painted on the outside, but this isn't the Normandy. The engineer in me tells me that it's better than the Normandy. The romantic in me tells me that there can only ever be one Normandy.

Shepard came by a couple of hours after we got back to the ship. At the time I was still in shock at the level to which Cerberus _permeated_ the ship.

"Shepard…I don't understand…_Cerberus_? When we met before, I assumed you were undercover or something, maybe even planning to blow Cerberus up for good. But…you're not, are you?"

She looked away for a moment. "That…depends on one's perspective, I suppose. But for the moment, no. Cerberus is funding me going after the Collectors, so that's what I'm doing. For now."

"I don't like it, Shepard. But I don't pretend to know everything. I trust you, and I'm here for you. _Only_ you."

She smiled. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, Tali."

I took the opportunity to study her for a moment. She looked…better. The scarring, the apparent cybernetics, were gone. She wasn't as pale as before. There was still a trace of that haunted look in her eyes, but only a trace – as if a small part of her was still far away, but she was trying to call it back to her.

"Shepard, if you don't mind me asking…how are you alive? I attended your memorial service, I mourned you alongside your crew…"

She looked away again. It wasn't something I remembered her doing so often in the past. "That…was Cerberus' doing as well. It seems the Illusive Man – the not-so-illustrious guy in charge of Cerberus – decided I was worth keeping around, dug my body out of the ice of Alchera, performed some cutting-edge alchemic magic on it, and two years later I woke up, _mostly_ good as new."

I shook my head. "I…okay. I mean…I'm glad. That you're here. That you're alive."

She smiled. "Me too."

We strolled along the corridor to the drive core. Now that the adrenaline rush brought on by seemingly-certain death had dissipated, I found myself plagued by guilt over the fate of my team. "I can't believe so many people died today. All for data about a star aging prematurely. I hope the Admiralty Board gets some use – a lot of use – out of it. I…hope it was worth it."

"You can't blame yourself, Tali. You were under orders." She paused. "Do you think Kal'Reegar will be okay? I know he took some injuries."

"I got a message from him just before you came down. He's through the relays out of Geth space and safely on the way back to the Migrant Fleet. He's got a good medical VI onboard that will keep him stable until he gets there. I think he'll be okay." I suddenly thought of something and looked over at her. "Where's Kai–Lieutenant Alenko? Is he onboard? I'd like to see him again. He was always…nice… to me."

That haunted look seemed to wash over her eyes, and her voice was soft. "It's _Commander_ Alenko now. And he's…on an assignment for the Alliance at the moment."

"Oh. Well, maybe I'll get to see him soon."

She looked away, again, and whispered. "Maybe."

I didn't know what to make of that look, and it wasn't my place to ask. During our hunt for Saren, Shepard had been unfailingly kind, friendly and respectful. She had always gone out of her way to make me feel at home on the Normandy, like a valuable, important member of the team. By the end I had trusted her, believed in her, completely and absolutely. I would entrust her with my life, with the lives of the entire quarian people for that matter, without hesitation. But I wasn't her friend. Not really.

And that had been okay. The distance between a young quarian girl – if a precocious and capable one, of course – and a human battle-hardened elite special forces marine, a Council Spectre even, was very far indeed. She was my Commander, and that was enough. It had been an incredible honor to serve on her team on a mission to save the very galaxy itself. It had been all the more of an honor because she was a remarkable person – one worth following.

But at the end of the mission, at the end of the day, it wasn't my place to ask her about her most personal matters. To ask her to confide in me as she would a girlfriend at a slumber party or a sister in the dark of the night would be…improper. Over the line.

So I didn't. But I can't quite forget that haunted look in her eyes.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 10 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I don't understand. I've always served my people; my father's vision for our people. I've performed every task the Admiralty Board has asked of me, and performed them well. I went through proper channels and received approval for my stint aboard this ship. I've done everything right.

I've been charged with treason.

_I don't understand._

I was trapped in that never-ending thought loop when Shepard came by.

She leaned against the railing casually. "Hey…Miss Chambers mentioned you got a call earlier, and that you left the Comm Room in…a state. Everything okay?"

I looked at the floor. "I…I've been charged with _treason_, Shepard."

I heard her push off the railing and stand up straight. "_What?_ By the Admiralty Board? Are they _insane_?"

Relief instinctively flooded through my veins. "I'm scared, Shepard. I don't know what it's about, why they would do this. I haven't done anything wrong, I know it. But…"

"What does this mean, for a Quarian?"

"Um…there will be a hearing, before the Admiralty Board. My father…_oh_ _Keelah_, my father is a member of the Board, what must he be thinking? Shepard, the punishment for treason is exile…if they convict me, I can never go back to the Fleet…"

She gazed at me, nothing but kindness in her eyes. "When do you need to report for this hearing?"

"I…I have a few days…they've just asked that I present myself as soon as is practical."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. We have one thing we need to do first, but then we'll head for the flotilla. That sound okay?"

I was taken aback, though in retrospect I probably shouldn't have been. Shepard had always done what was necessary to help those who served with her. "I was going to book passage on another ship – I didn't think there would be time…thank you, Shepard."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 1 month, 5 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

The Admiralty Board had been right in the end – everyone was dead. Including my father.

We had arrived at the Migrant Fleet and were directed to the _Rayya_. I quickly found out why the Admiralty Board was charging me with treason – they claimed I had sent active Geth back to the fleet.

That was _insane_. If they only knew how much time I had spent double, triple checking every part I sent back to my father to make sure it was inactive, disabled, incapable of being reactivated – I would never! But I had precious little time to wonder why my father hadn't set the record straight before they dropped the bombshell – in open session, for all the public to witness my reaction – that Geth had seized my father's lab ship _Alarei_ and likely killed everyone on board, as well as the unit of marines sent to investigate.

We boarded the _Alarei_, overrun with Geth, on a mission to retake the ship. To prove my innocence. To save my father.

_But my father was dead._

He was lying ignobly at the foot of some stairs. I ran to him, cradled him in my arms.

"Father! No, no, no, no…you always had a plan…you wouldn't…they're wrong…you wouldn't just die like this! You wouldn't leave me to…" I felt Shepard's hand on my shoulder, felt her pull me up and to her.

"Hey, hey…come here…" She embraced me fully, pulled me into her arms. The suit, always a barrier, didn't exist for the moment. _For a moment she was my friend._

We killed the remaining Geth with a blind ease that passed in a blur. I'd like to think that I was vengeance incarnate, but the truth is I was in shock and Shepard and Garrus did most of the work.

I stared at the central ship console, unblinking, Geth scattered at my feet.

"Tali, you look like maybe you don't want to hear this…"

I shook my head clear. "No. We have to, I know." I looked over at her. "This is terrible, Shepard. I don't want to know he was part of this…" But I was Tali'Zorah vas _Neema_, daughter of Admiral Rael'Zorah. I could face this. I reached over and hit "Play."

"…_perhaps we should inform the Admiralty Board…"_

"_I promised my daughter a house on the homeworld. I'm not going to sit and wait while the politicians argue!"_

"_Then…we could move faster if Tali could send back more intact parts – "_

"_No! Absolutely not! I don't want Tali exposed to any political blowback. Leave Tali out of this. Assemble new Geth with what we have – bypass security protocols if need be."_ The video cut to static.

I stared at the screen. I didn't even know what to feel…

I could feel Shepard's eyes on me. "It sounds like he was doing this for you."

I wheeled around. "I never wanted this Shepard – everything here is his fault!" I looked up at her suddenly. "We can't tell them, Shepard. Not the Admirals, not anyone."

She frowned at me. "Tali, the Admiralty Board believes you sent active Geth here. Without this evidence you're looking at exile."

"You think I don't _know_ that? You think I _want_ to know that I'll never see the Fleet again? But I _can't_ go back into that room and say that my father was the worst war criminal in our people's history. I cannot!"

She dropped her head for a moment then looked back at me. "Tali, your father doesn't need you to worry about him anymore. You heard him – he didn't want you caught up in the politics of all this."

I started pacing in circles, excess energy flowing out of me. "You don't understand, Shepard – what this would mean for him – they would strip his name from the manifest of every ship he ever served on – he would be viewed as a traitor of his people – you don't understand what it would mean!"

She nodded, the calm in the center of the storm. "Okay. Let's just get back and see what happens…?"

I turned to her. I wasn't a child any longer; I couldn't be dismissed so easily with a platitude. "Shepard, you're my advocate – it's ultimately up to you. If you choose to reveal this I won't be able to stop you. But I beg you, _please_, don't destroy what my father was."

She looked at me for a long time – I _swear_ she could see through the mask into my eyes – then nodded in what seemed for all the world to be understanding.

It turned out it was.

We returned to an Admiralty Board prepared to declare us dead and move on the next item on the agenda. But they had clearly underestimated Graceyn Shepard. _And me._

"Sorry we're late." I was angry, and done with deference and respect. My father, the greatest among them, was _dead_.

But before I could extract verbal vengeance on the Admirals standing proudly above me, Shepard stepped forward. In an instant, in some undefinable yet unmistakable way, she took over the room.

"Tali saved the _Alarei_. I _hope_ this proves her loyalty to the Quarian people."

Admiral Xen scowled. "Her loyalty was never in doubt. Merely her _judgment_."

Shepard whirled on Xen. "Tali helped me defeat Saren and the Geth at the Citadel. That _should_ be all the evidence that you need." She cocked her head to the side. "But it isn't, is it? You're not even really interested in Tali, are you? For all you've put her through, this hearing isn't even _about_ Tali, is it? It's about the Geth, and you're inability to decide what to do about them – what to do about the Fleet – what to do about your people!" Her eyes narrowed as she gazed around the room. "None of you care about Tali. Just your own selfish need for vengeance – or absolution."

She dropped her head and shook it wryly, then looked up at the Board standing frozen above her. "Tali helped saved the Citadel. She saved the _Alarei_. She might have saved her father if only you had bothered to _tell_ her of his fate sooner! She has shown the _galaxy_ the value of the Quarian people, again and again, while you cower from the safety of your Fleet. What do you believe gives _you_ the right to pass judgment on her?" She threw her hand up at them and turned away in disgust.

I was flabbergasted. I had thought her a bit out of her element here; the Fleet was a jarring experience to any non-quarian who managed to step foot upon it. In talking with those in attendance she had seemed open and curious, but naïve; she had asked questions that would seem ignorant and silly to any quarian.

But it turned out she understood my people more than many of my people did. She understood the infighting, the politics, the conflicts. She understood the power plays amongst the Board members and the underlying struggles. How had she managed to discern _all that_ in the twenty minutes we had spent in this room? For all that I should know better by now, she still found a way to surprise me.

After the initial shock wore off the Admirals huddled in agitated deliberation for a moment, then stiffly and stoically returned to their posts. Admiral Raan spoke.

"Tali'Zorah, in light of your history of service to the quarian people and all the peoples of the galaxy, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict you. You are hereby cleared of all charges. Commander Shepard, we appreciate you taking the time to represent and speak so…persuasively…on behalf of one of our people."

I let go the breath I had been holding. I wouldn't be an exile. Shepard had bent the Admiralty Board of the quarian people to her will. She was…amazing. Incredible. There were no words to adequately describe what she had done for me. She is utterly unlike, beyond, anyone I have ever known. How she does the things she does…she makes it look so easy…but I know it must be so, so hard. I owed her my life. Again.

Shepard started to nod in appreciation, but then she stopped. Her expression transformed. The rest of the crowd, even the Admirals, wouldn't notice the difference, but I did. All that came before, heartfelt and sincere though it might have been, was an act. A performance for the crowd. _This_ was the real Shepard.

She looked up at the Admirals, eyes full of conviction. "If you truly appreciate me, then _listen_ to me. The Reapers are coming, and I am going to need your help to stop them. _Please_ don't throw away your lives in a war against the Geth you don't need and can't win."

Admiral Koris stepped forward. "Thank you Commander Shepard, I hope this Board considers your advice."

She rolled her eyes and turned away in exasperation. But events moved quickly in Shepard's world, and so did she. As the proceeding broke up, she looked over at me…and grinned.

All I could do was shake my head in wonder. "I can't believe you pulled that off, Shepard. What you said…" I looked up at her, absolutely serious. "…I've never had anyone speak like that on my behalf. Thank you being there for my father…and me…_even when_…thank you."

She chuckled, though kindly, and cocked her head. "I can still go back in there and get you exiled if you want…?"

"Thanks, but I'm fine with things like this. Though…it _was_ fun watching you shout."

She laughed in full this time. "You should sit in on my calls with the Insufferable Man then, plenty of fun there." But then she was serious. Gentle. "Tali, about what your father said…what he did…you deserved better."

All that had happened, all we had seen, all she had done, and she was still thinking of me.

"I _got_ better, Shepard. I got you."

She blinked, and for a second I could have sworn her eyes glistened, her face melted into softness. But in a flash it was gone, and she smirked. "Come on, Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy_, let's get back to our ship."

I started to follow her, but then paused. "Shepard, would it be okay if we…said goodbye to Kal'Reegar first?"

She smiled, the slightest twinkle in her eye. "Why don't you handle that yourself…I'll wait for you at the airlock."

... ... ...

Now, I sit here, the hum of the drive core my comfort, and try to understand how to mourn my father.

I don't even know how to begin to deal with this. There was so much wrong in our relationship, so much I could never seem to fix, so many ways I could never seem to make him happy. Now he's gone, and one part of me feels like I've lost the most important person in my life…and another part feels like I've lost a stranger.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SEVENTH ENTRY: 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Shepard brought a Geth onto the ship. And reactivated it. There is a Geth on my squad…

As we draw dangerously close to the point of no return, I know, Shepard knows, we will need every ounce of help we can get.

But there is _a Geth_ on my squad.

* * *

><p><em><strong>EIGHTH ENTRY: 4 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Why must my worldview always get knocked all topsy-turvy whenever I spend time with Shepard? Things were so much easier, _simpler_, on the Fleet. But easy and simple is rarely the right path, is it?

I was in the MedBay chatting with Dr. Chakwas when I noticed unusual fluctuations in my Omni-tool. I locked it down quickly, but it was apparent some of my files had been accessed; files containing details about the Fleet, about my father's experiments. I looked up in horror at the doors to the AI Core. _Legion._

I had my gun to its head when Shepard stormed in. I didn't look at her – I didn't want to take my eyes off Legion for a second.

"Shepard, I caught Legion scanning my Omni-tool – it was going to send data about the flotilla back to the Geth! I won't let it do that."

Legion's head rotated to face Shepard. "Creators performed weapons tests and were discussing plans to attack us. We believed it necessary to warn our people."

"Dammit, Shepard! We _already_ made the Geth stronger by rewriting the ones that worshipped the Reapers – I _won't_ let Legion endanger my people by sending this information!"

Legion clicked and whirred. "Creator Tali'Zorah acts out of loyalty to her people. She was willing to be exiled to protect them. We understand this. We must also protect our people. We must protect them from the Creator threat."

_No, it wasn't like that! Was it?_

_The Geth – all the Geth, whatever their stance on the Reapers – drove my people from their homeworld. They were the threat, not us. She has to understand that!_

"Shepard, you can't let this happen. I trusted you, trusted that you knew what you were doing, and I put aside my fears and worked with a Geth on the team for the sake of the mission – but this is too much!"

She had been standing there quietly, calmly, the whole time, looking at each of us in turn. What she was thinking, I couldn't say. She took several additional seconds to speak.

She looked at me, her eyes gentle but resolute. "Tali, your father was running brutal experiments. If the subjects had been human, I'd damn well be telling the Alliance about it. If they had been anyone else, I'd damn well be telling the Council about it. I kept your secret, because I know how much it means to you, because your father is gone and exposing him wouldn't fix anything. I'm sure your father thought he was doing the right thing, the necessary thing – but you _know_ it was wrong."

I fought against dropping my head, fought to keep my eyes on Legion. On the end of my gun. "I know. But Shepard, if the Geth find out…"

"They'll attack. Which would cause a war – a war that would leave both the Quarians and the Geth weakened, vulnerable when the Reapers arrive. Is that what you want, Legion?"

It clicked repeatedly. "No. We thought it necessary to relay the information. But we do not want that outcome; do not want Old Machines victory. The correct choice is unclear."

She shook her head at them. "Sooner or later you're both going to have to stop fighting this war. Or we will _all_ end up paying for it."

"To facilitate unit cohesion and increase statistical likelihood of defeat of Old Machines, we will not transmit data regarding Creator plans."

I didn't know what to say. Legion was making a value judgment, choosing the greater good over itself. That didn't comport with anything I knew about Geth. I slowly lowered my gun, saving for later the reexamination of everything I thought I knew about the Geth.

I had to put aside my personal struggles – the struggles of my people – for the greater good. I had to trust that Shepard knew what she was doing, and that it was the right thing. She deserved no less, and a great deal more.

"I…thank you, Legion. I…understand your intention, the desire to protect your people. What if I gave you some non-classified data to send?"

It whirred. "We would be grateful for helpful data on Creators. Perhaps will understand them better."

I looked down and nodded my head, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Shepard gazing at us both, a slight grin pulling at the corners of her mouth. I didn't know what to make of it.

... ... ...

She came to see me afterwards, invited me up to her quarters. We spent the evening chatting, reminiscing about the hunt for Saren, talking about the Fleet and its myriad of issues, and about my father. We even talked about what I might do once the mission was over, how I might help my people.

It was only later, after I'd returned to my quarters and gone to bed, that I realized. All those hours, and we hadn't talked about her. About how she was doing, about what she wanted to do once the mission was over.

I felt terrible. How could I be so selfish, so self-centered, to talk about myself for hours on end and not even _ask_ about her? The weight of the world was on her shoulders – again. I couldn't fathom how heavy a weight it must be – and she just might have needed someone to talk to.

But she had seemed okay. _Really_ okay. And if she had wanted to confide in me, she would have, right? Besides…she had Garrus, she had Miranda, she had Kasumi; they all understood Shepard better than I ever could.

I settled back down, satisfied that I hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't my place to pry. Because we weren't friends, not really. And we didn't need to be. She was my Commander, and that was enough. I would follow her on this mission, and any other she asked of me, because she is a person worth following. Even if it ultimately means my death. I trust her to do the right thing by everyone, if there is any way possible to do so. If there is a way, I trust her to save us all.


	33. Jacob

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 33 **

"**Jacob"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Jacob Taylor**

**LAST UPDATE: 5 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 1 month, 25 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I've been sitting here tonight, desperately searching for anything to focus on, anything to distract me. From the memories. From the silence. Of course, I have music playing – loudly. Not loudly enough.

I was reviewing my logs tonight, and I realized I didn't yet have a single entry on Jacob. He's been here from the beginning. Hell, he was the first person I saw after waking up on a Cerberus lab table. I've had dozens of conversations with him, taken him on a number of missions. So why haven't I felt the need to record any thoughts about him?

Then I realized – I don't have any journal entries about Jacob because he isn't broken.

I refer back to a recent Journal entry belonging to the Krogan in the tank:

"_Things that do _not_ require my attention: I have a "Gunnery Sergeant" – of sorts – with a powerful sense of honor who despite eight years of exemplary service in both the Alliance and Cerberus was not recognized as the prize he was by either."_

What followed was a very long list of things – people – that _do_ require my attention. That list hasn't gotten any shorter since I wrote it.

Jacob, it seems, can take care of himself. He does his job, expertly and professionally. I'm pretty sure he does a couple of other people's jobs as well. He doesn't throw temper-tantrums, or hurl objects against walls, or question me on missions, or threaten me on missions, or try to get himself killed on missions. He's a full-grown, responsible adult – maybe the only one on the ship.

He isn't broken.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 1 month, 21 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon...

_Was that entry really only four days ago? It's been a…meaningful…four days. _

I exited the elevator onto the Command Deck this morning to the sound of a loud crash, followed by a "Dammit!" in a deep male voice. _Jacob?_

I waved Miss Chambers off and hurried over to the Armory. I walked in to find half a dozen guns scattered across the floor, a table on its side, and Jacob standing over them all, hands on his hips and head hung low.

Satisfied it wasn't an emergency situation, I stopped. "Everything okay, Jacob?"

He looked up in surprise. "Shepard! – yeah, it's fine – I just wasn't watching where I was going, knocked the table over…" He righted the table then bent down and started picking up the guns. "Sorry for the commotion, it won't happen again."

He stood up, arms full with four guns, flush with embarrassment, avoiding my gaze; as he turned a gun slipped out the bottom of the bundle and landed on his foot. "Dammit! Ugh…" He tossed the remaining three weapons on the table in frustration.

So much for that basic military precept – treat every weapon as if it were always loaded…

"Jacob…I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that everything is _not_ okay."

He looked away, leaned down and picked up another wayward gun. "It's nothing, Commander. A personal matter…distracted me is all. It won't be a problem."

I walked over and leaned against the workbench. "You want to talk about it?" I asked him gently.

He shook his head. "No. I…it's just…" He sighed and started pacing slowly. "I got pinged by a ghost today. Family."

"A ghost?"

He glanced up. "My father. Well, sort of. My father's frigate, the Hugo Gernsback, disappeared ten years ago. Vanished without a trace. Suddenly today I get a message – anonymous – containing information on an SOS from the Gernsback, reporting a crash and requesting rescue. But it's got to be just some automated distress beacon rolling over or something. It's been…too long."

I regarded him thoughtfully. "You don't seem very enthused at the possibility your father could be alive."

He stopped pacing and looked over at me. "He wasn't around enough for me to really miss him even when he was alive. We weren't close. Then…it's been ten years, Shepard. I mourned him and moved past it long ago."

Sensing there was more, I waited patiently.

"It's weird, though. There's no reason for a distress call to be routed to my personal terminal. Someone sent this to me directly."

"The Illusive Man?"

"Hell, I don't know. Kinda figure he'd want a holo-call and a big show of it."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. So, how about we go check out this distress beacon? After we get done with our sojourn into Geth space, of course."

He smiled grimly. "I appreciate it, Shepard. I don't expect to find anything more than dust and bones, but it will be nice to close the book on him, once and for all."

I smirked, though kindly. "And it will be nice to not have my assault weapons bouncing off the walls like ping pong balls."

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 18 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

We touched down within sight of the wreck of the Hugo Gernsback. It had come to rest half-in, half-out of the water, listing heavily to the side but largely intact. It looked like an enormous beached whale.

Between our landing point and the wreck stretched a half kilometer of attractive beachfront. The air was warm, tropical even, and the ocean lapped tranquilly at the sand. I suddenly remembered the promise I had made to myself in Vancouver: To make it a point to spend more time at ocean shores. I hadn't exactly had the time or opportunity to make good on that promise, had I?

I walked to the water's edge, squatted down, and pulled off a glove. I reached my hand down to the sand. The water swirled around my fingers like an old friend, playful, teasing. I smiled as the feeling of deja-vu washed over me; I didn't need it to recall the memory. I looked out at the ocean, stretching from my hand to infinity. I took a deep breath, drawing strength, and peace, from the scene in front of me.

I stood up, put my glove back on, turned around and smiled professionally at Jacob and Garrus. "Let's go." Jacob was focused entirely on the marooned ship ahead, but I earned a knowing smirk from Garrus. I motioned for Garrus to take point; as he passed me he remarked under his breath, "You and your scenic views…"

As we neared the wreck a beacon hologram shimmered into existence. It possessed a rudimentary VI, so we were able to quiz it for information.

"There is a problem with the local food supply. Impairment of brain functions begins within seven days of ingesting local flora, regardless of decontamination or preparation procedures. Impact on higher cognitive abilities is cumulative and significant within a standard month. It is not known whether neural decay is permanent."

Jacob frowned. "The ship's food supplies couldn't last forever. Eventually survivors would have had to eat the local food."

I shared his frown. "Yeah, they would." I turned back to the beacon. "Why wasn't the beacon activated before now?"

"This emergency beacon became functional after 358 days following unscheduled descent. Activation was triggered remotely after eight years 237 days on the authority of Acting Captain Ronald Taylor. Pause in beacon protocol is recorded as 'record deleted.'"

Jacob's frown had never left. "They fixed the beacon after a year – _why_ would they wait to activate it until now? It doesn't make sense…"

I nodded absently, already pondering the larger mystery. "Let's go check the wreck."

The wreck had long since been stripped clean of parts and supplies. But there were several crew logs left behind, including an officer log. Like everything else, it was damaged; the recording cut in and out.

"_...along with this anymore...we've done horrible things to the crew...in their condition, they don't understand what we're doing to them...they've forgotten what we did to them when the bruises start to show...it's got to stop...talking to the others... " _

A sense of dread crept over me. Whatever had gone down here, it was nothing good.

"Jacob…"

"I know, Shepard. Let's just…keep going. I need to know what happened here." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Whatever it was."

What "it" was unfolded before us as we made our way across the island, like snapshots of a nightmare. Through my eyes, I watched Jacob watch the collapse of the very fabric of society here, and along with it, the collapse of a man. The collapse of his father.

…a group of child-like women screamed in horror at the sight of Jacob – "You are cursed with his face!"; Jacob simply looked away…

…we stared in disbelief at the thirty-foot tall effigy, haphazardly molded together with spare ship parts and tree limbs, bearing the crude but unmistakable likeness of a dark-skinned man; Jacob swallowed reflexively then turned his back…

…we read from the crew logbook how Ronald Taylor restricted the ship's food to the officers and made the crew eat the local food, how the non-officer males were exiled or killed, how the officers separated out the women and assigned them to one another as _pets_, how after the beacon was repaired the officers were killed as well; Jacob's jaw clenched and unclenched as he dropped the logbook on the ground, dropped into a textbook-Alliance-perfect crouched position, then fired at the mech coming around the corner, taking it out with three quick shots…

…Ronald Taylor's voice boomed over the loudspeaker, weaving lies into excuses as we drew closer; Jacob shielded Garrus from a grenade explosion, the veins popping out on his neck and the rigid jaw the only signs of strain…

…Ronald Taylor looked his son in the eye and told him that the crew members had been grateful for his guidance, his leadership, and that he had felt entitled to a measure of peace and comfort; Jacob pulled out his pistol and pointed it at his father's head.

Yet even there, even then, Jacob wasn't in a rage or out of control. He was calm, his hand steady.

I looked on and waited, desperately hoping I was right.

Jacob's jaw clenched one final time. "You're lucky I don't think you're worth pulling the trigger. I don't know who you are. Because you are not any father I remember." He holstered the pistol and turned away.

Ronald Taylor whispered to the ground. "I'm sorry, Jacob."

But Jacob was already gone.

... ... ...

I had removed my armor and was headed for the Command Deck when I heard loud voices in the Comm Room. I went over but stopped just outside.

"What do you mean, it wasn't you?"

The Illusive Man's always-calm voice responded. "Jacob, if I had leaked the information about the Gernsback, I would be smiling at your resolution of the situation. I am not smiling."

The Illusive Man seemed not to realize – as I hadn't realized mere hours before – that he was greatly underestimating his opponent.

I walked in, smirk in place. "Really? Because given the result, this feels _exactly_ like the kind of thing you'd set up. You know, for shits and giggles."

He took a long drag on his cigarette and gazed at me, glowing eyes narrowed. "You know very little about me, Shepard, so _don't_ presume to understand me."

I returned the cool gaze. "Back at you."

Jacob was cold as ice, eyes locked on the holographic image of the Illusive Man, oblivious to the little tit-for-tat going on around him. "Fine. You didn't forward it. Who did."

"I did." The doors closed behind Miranda.

I cocked my head to the side. "Interesting."

Miranda didn't seem to notice. She was just staring at Jacob. "There was a time when this mattered to you, Jacob. Forwarding it along seemed like keeping a promise. I keep my promises."

Miranda stared at him for another moment before the Illusive Man interrupted them. "Miranda, we'll discuss your _liberal_ interpretation of security protocol in private. Shepard, Jacob, excuse us."

_Gladly._ We walked out into the hallway, and he headed towards the Armory.

"Jacob." He turned around quickly, as if realizing I was there for the first time. "You okay?"

He grimaced. "It's all bullshit, Shepard. He can rot in prison for all I care. I mourned the man he was long ago. This…it doesn't change the man I am or what I know. So yeah, I'm okay."

"I'm glad to hear that." I paused. "What about Miranda?"

He chuckled wryly. "Yeah…she's got a good memory. Selective, but good. I can't figure which promise she meant though…not sure I really want to know. She…requires a better man than I."

I smiled. "Don't be so sure you're not."

He moved to go, but then stopped. "Shepard...thank you. Thank you for going, and thank you for trusting me to handle it my own way. I won't forget it." He turned and walked through the doors to the Armory.

I leaned against the wall, staring at the doors as they closed, ignoring the raised voices in the room behind me. Could it be that Jacob just didn't _need_ fixing?

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 17 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I looked back over the previous entry tonight, and I realized I had neglected to address something – something that should be important.

I feel that I _should_ go on a righteous tirade about slavery, female slavery at that, female _sex_ slavery at that. About how given my past, given Mindoir, I feel a special outrage at the very idea of the subjugation of a human being to the will of another.

And I do. Feel a special outrage, that is. I really do. What I saw yesterday was horrifying, disgusting, heartbreaking. As horrifying, I note with some irony, as anything I've seen from Batarian slavers. I suspect there's a lesson in that fact, waiting for me to learn it.

But those women – and men – will get the help they need. Hopefully, in time they will get better. Hopefully, they won't remember what happened to them. That would be a mercy.

So why aren't I more upset over the sickening degradation of human life I saw yesterday? Over the disgusting use of helpless, child-like women as sexual toys, to be played with then discarded?

The simple truth is, I have more important things to worry about. Not more important to those poor, desperate people we saved yesterday, of course. But more important to me. I have my team to take care of. I have more team members to acquire – I'm going to need all the help I can get.

I have a galaxy to save. More or less.

So try as I might, I just can't find my way to a righteous tirade over what was ultimately a tragic situation – part accident, part bad luck, part damaged people breaking under tremendous pressures. I'm glad I was able to rescue the remaining crew members . At the end of the day, Ronald Taylor was a horrible, sickening, vile man. He was also a pathetic, weak, broken man. And I just don't have time to be angry at him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 6 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I tried to talk to Jacob today. He has seemed fine since the encounter with his father, but how could he be, really? I have to think that kind of ugly realization would throw anyone for a hard loop.

He was friendly enough, perhaps a bit more relaxed, more at ease than in the past. But in the end I met the same wall I have since the beginning. A brick wall of professionalism.

I respect that in a person. I know he learned it in the Alliance, and learned it well. The Cerberus personnel on this ship could learn a lot from him.

More than that though, he is a good man; an honorable man. I sensed it the first time I met him, and I believe it today.

But I still feel like I should try to "fix" him. On this ship full of murderers, mercenaries and crazy people, everyone needs fixing. At times these days I feel more like a social worker than a marine. But it just might be that Jacob doesn't _need_ fixing.

I know he has issues. His Alliance past, and why he really left it; his conflicted feelings about working for Cerberus; his history with Miranda; obviously, his father. But it just might be that he is one of those rare people in the universe that can deal with his own issues.

I could – who's to say he can't as well?

And now I realize something – I owe him more than just appreciation. When a person who can deal with their own issues figures out how to help others with _their_ issues, they blossom into a leader. I think maybe I owe Jacob a chance to recognize and embrace that possibility.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 5 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

We have the Reaper IFF. EDI is integrating it with the ship, very carefully. It may take a couple more days, but the fact is the time is drawing dangerously near when all the 'i's will be dotted, all the 't's crossed. Nothing left to do but take a leap of faith.

Which means it's time to make sure everything, _everyone_, is in order. Ducks in a row. Affairs in…well, you get the idea. I've taken care of a lot of things already. Just a few more to go.

"EDI, could you ask Jacob to stop by my quarters when he has a chance this evening?"

"Of course, Commander."

I went back to other files, other preparations. It was about two hours later there was a knock at the door.

"Come on in, Jacob." I stood up from the desk and went to sit down at the couch. "Have a seat."

He remained standing. "Is there a problem, Commander…?"

I grinned. "Not at all. I just have something I want to talk with you about…away from your guns. Now please, sit down?"

He complied, warily. "What is it, ma'am?"

I cocked my head sideways at him, eyes narrowed in confusion. Why was he acting so formal, so awkward? We'd been on this ship for months, shared countless adventures; he really should be more comfortable than this by now…then I suddenly remembered a conversation – some two and a half months ago, not long after I had woken up. _Hints of flirtation, of desire._ I dropped my head. I was occasionally an idiot.

I looked over at him and chuckled wryly. "I'm sorry. I didn't ask you here to make you uncomfortable. Jacob…I'm _not_ trying to seduce you into my bed. I promise. My heart, and thus my body, are spoken for. You know that – _apparently_ the entire damn ship knows that. So _please_, relax."

He blinked, bit his lower lip. Looked down at the floor. "Right. I do." Then he shook his head, looked up and me gave a half-smile. "Okay. So what's on your mind, Shepard?"

I crossed one leg under the other and leaned back on the couch. "On the off chance we survive this suicide run through the Omega 4 Relay, what are your plans after this?"

He shrugged. "I imagine I'll go wherever Cerberus assigns me next."

"You're better than them, Jacob. Better than Cerberus."

He snorted. "It's not exactly like the Alliance would be inclined to take me back. Cerberus is considered a terrorist organization; I'm pretty sure having been on their payroll is a disqualification for any future service."

I looked at him speculatively. "What if it wasn't?"

"What…you think you can get me back in on your recommendation or something?"

I looked away briefly. "Oh, I don't know. In case you haven't noticed, I have 'Cerberus' attached to my name now as well. It's…complicated." I paused and looked back at him. "But what if I _could_?"

He rubbed his chin, thinking, but then shook his head. "Shepard, we're had this conversation already. Cerberus has its problems – its substantial problems, I'll grant you – but is the Alliance really any better? It's full of politics and corruption and bureaucracy and secrets. I can't stand it. And when they actually do something right, they hide it from the public. 'For their own good', they say." He looked at me then. "You deserve for people to know what you did, what you _really_ did, at the Citadel. Hell, I deserve for people to know what _I_ did. The _people_ deserve to know."

I nodded thoughtfully and was quiet for a moment. Then I leaned forward , elbows on my knees, and gazed over at him.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Jacob. Being famous is _cool_. The limelight – it's a head rush. Being acknowledged and appreciated for what you've done, _even better_. But in the end, it doesn't matter that people know what we did – what matters is that we _did_ it."

I stood up and went to pour a glass of water. "When I was helping Kasumi with her heist, Donovan Hock gave this grand, pompous speech to his guests. He said, and I paraphrase, 'People these days want comfort, entertainment, love. They don't see how fragile the galaxy is. This party is for us, the support structure for the galaxy's gleeful delusions of peace.'"

I sat back down, crossed my legs and took a sip of the water. "I worked up one hell of a case of righteous indignation at him. How _dare_ he! But the truth is – though he was mistaken about his role in galaxy – he was mostly right. Only he was bitter and condescending towards the average person's 'delusions' of peace. I'm _not_. I'm happy to do everything I can to give the people of the galaxy a gleeful delusion of peace. So they can live their lives – _good_ lives; raise their children, achieve great things or small things. All without having to worry about horrific threats they can do nothing to change."

"So yeah, it would be nice if people knew I did more than just kill a lot of Geth and one rogue Spectre. And on occasion I have gotten annoyed when they don't. But I'm okay with it. I understand why, and at the end of the day, I agree."

He looked over at me, the slightest hint of a twinkle in his eye. "That's real big of you, Shepard."

I grinned. "It wouldn't be the high road if it was easy."

He looked off at the fish tank, bustling with activity since the last visit to the Citadel. "Okay, _maybe_ I see your point. Maybe." He turned back to me. "But that doesn't excuse the politics, the endless regs and approvals and committees and favoritism and corruption and…everything! Cerberus gets things done. They see a problem, they send someone to fix it. Quick. Efficient. Results."

I leaned forward intently. "But Jacob, more often than not, what Cerberus gets done so _efficiently_ is _wrong_. Nefarious. Evil, even. All the efficiency in the galaxy doesn't excuse that."

I sighed and fell back against the couch. "Look. The Alliance has tons of problems. I'll give you that – couldn't agree more. It's infested with politics, too prone to corruption, overbloated with bureaucracy – you could sink a ship using nothing but the Alliance Regulations volumes. Occasionally someone in the Alliance even does something affirmatively _bad_."

"But…for one, they're the best we've got. No, that's not fair. They're better than that. Most of the people, most of the time are trying to do the right thing. The honorable thing. The Alliance has saved thousands, millions – maybe billions – of lives over the years. It's their _purpose_."

I looked directly at him. "And they deserve – they _need_ – someone like you on their side. Those people Hock was talking about, the support structure of the galaxy? _You're_ one of those people, Jacob. A person the galaxy depends on to keep it safe. I suspect no one's ever told you that to your face, and it's time someone did."

He started to interrupt, likely with some deflecting, self-deprecating remark, but I didn't let him.

"Jacob, you know about the Collectors. You know about the Reapers. You know and understand the very real threat we are facing. There are _very _few bright, capable people – Kaidan Alenko, David Anderson, Steven Hackett…probably Miranda Lawson – that have both the knowledge _and_ the ability to do something about it. You belong on that list. I'm willing to help you get there, if you want it."

I leaned back and gave him a slight smile. "Just…think about it."

Jacob was looking down, arms on his knees, hands clasped together. Eventually he nodded, then looked up at me. "Okay, Shepard. I'll think about it. After we survive."

I smiled. "After we survive."


	34. Revelations

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 34 **

"**Revelations"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>52 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 1 months, 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

She stood and watched as Miranda hacked the terminal, while shielding Miranda's actions from casual observation by those passing. The sophisticated denizens of Illium strolled past them in blissful ignorance. When the hack was complete she commed Kasumi, who was waiting inconspicuously – i.e., invisibly – at the server node. "It's open. Go."

... ... ...

They had been docked at Illium for four days now. It was a busy place, for the galaxy and for her growing team. Still, it was a nice…okay, not a break. But she had been able to go to a nice restaurant for dinner last night, and they had gotten to do some leisurely shopping day before yesterday.

There had also been a virtual parade of appearances by people from her last life. She shared a beer with Gina Parasini, from Noveria; she ran interference with Baria Frontiers for Shiala, from Feros… She sighed. She protected Conrad Verner from himself _again_, then got rid of him as a favor for the simply delightful – well, hilarious anyway – bartender at Eternity. In retrospect…maybe it actually was pretty much a break. At least as much as Shepard was concerned.

But nothing compared to her encounter with the Rachni Queen. Well, not actually _with_ the Rachni Queen – a giant, hideous, multi-legged, antennae-wielding bug would kind of stand out on the promenades of Nos Astra. With her…emissary? The Asari woman had crash landed on a Rachni planet and been rescued by them. In return, she became their representative and messenger to the rest of the galaxy. And she had a message for Shepard.

"_Shepard, we hide, we burrow, we build, but we know that you seek those who soured the songs of our mothers. When the time comes, our voice will join with yours and our crescendo will burn the darkness clean. Thank you, Shepard. The Rachni will sing again, because of you."_

It was beautiful, moving – and puzzling. Was the Queen implying that the Reapers had somehow orchestrated the Rachni Wars? She mentally filed that idea away on the growing List Of Things To Contemplate When She Couldn't Sleep.

And now they were running errands for Liara. Ordinarily, having a galaxy to save and everything, she probably would forego running errands for Liara. But Liara had seemed…strange. Not strange in the "oh-my-god-Shepard-I-thought-you-were-dead-how-are-you-here" sense; she actually hadn't been the slightest bit surprised to see Shepard. But strange in the sense that she was…off-key. Agitated. Mysterious, in a way that open, honest, 'I don't' have much experience with alien species' Liara had never been.

Shepard's crew seemed to be enjoying the relative relaxation of Illium, so she decided to stay an extra day and see if she could help Liara. Ultimately, she hoped to…break through, reach the Liara that had once existed, get her to admit _whatever_ was really going on, and hopefully help her.

But first, that meant running errands for her. Hacking errands, as it were. Hack a security terminal, disable security for a server node, grab the data from the node and send it to Liara. Simple enough, at least according to Miranda and Kasumi.

... ... ...

She guarded – and watched – Miranda again at the next two terminals, studying her steps, her technique.

As Miranda stepped up to the fourth terminal, Shepard put a hand on her arm. "I've got this one."

Miranda slowly turned her head towards Shepard. "You_…what_?"

Shepard smiled innocently. "I've got this one." She stepped up and started working. She could feel Miranda peering over her shoulder. It was distracting; she made a mistake.

"No, you need to – "

"I've _got_ it," she growled.

Then, she did have it. The screen flashed green. She messaged Kasumi then turned around, a self-satisfied grin on her face, and found Miranda, hands on her hips.

"Okay, Shepard. Your files specifically and _unequivocally_ stated that you had poor skills in tech and hacking. _Negative_ skills. It stood out because it was one of your few weaknesses. Until today I've seen nothing to contradict that information. So I ask you – how, _exactly_, did you hack that terminal just now?"

Shepard was smiling so broadly her eyes were sparkling. "What? A girl can't learn new skills?" She breezily started walking off towards the next terminal.

"Of course a girl can – " Miranda cut her off, practically pinning her against the wall. "Of course you can learn new skills. But when would you do that? You've been a little _busy_ the last two months, and what you just did should really take at least six months to learn."

Shepard glanced away. "I don't sleep much. It frees up some time for study."

"Why."

She looked at Miranda, incredulous. "_Why?_ Is that really a serious question?"

Miranda sighed. "No…what I meant was, are you okay? Physically? What was – " Her voice softened. " – what we did to you has never been done before. Complications would not be…unexpected."

Shepard leaned back against the wall, arms crossed. "I'm fine. I get headaches, but they're the normal kind. I – "

"Headaches? They could be due to the new L5 implants. Shepard, you need – "

"Miranda, it's much more likely that they are caused by more obvious reasons – oh, say, the Illusive Man…the Collectors…the Reapers…the Council…Zaeed…Jack…_definitely_ Jack – "

Miranda held up her hands in defeat. "Okay, I get the point. You have a lot of problems to deal with. But still…"

Shepard stared down at the floor. "Anyway, the headaches aren't why I don't sleep." She glanced back up; Miranda was looking at her expectantly.

She sighed dramatically. "Look, I have a long list of eligible nightmares waiting to make themselves known on any given night. I prefer to deny them the opportunity and spend the time more…productively…instead."

Miranda's expression showed real, genuine sympathy. "Shepard, what kind of nightmares?"

"Prothean visions, the memory of my own death, Prothean visions, the memory of my own death, Mindoir, Terra Nova, Prothean visions, Elys– "

Miranda interrupted her. "Terra Nova? But you saved the colony from the asteroid."

Shepard looked away. Her voice was flat. "Yep. And twenty innocent people died, including a very brave woman."

Miranda looked perplexed. "But Balak did that, it wasn't your fault." She paused. "Right?"

"Technically."

She swallowed then met Miranda's gaze. "I let my hatred of Batarians get the better of my judgment that day. I thought Balak needed to pay for what other Batarians had done at Mindoir, at Elysium; he needed to pay for what he intended to do to Terra Nova. I killed Balak…even though I knew that it would set off that bomb. _I killed them._ And no matter how hard I try, for the rest of however many lives I have, I'll never be able to make up for it."

Miranda just looked at her for a long time, silent, face unreadable. Then she smiled gently. "I didn't know. I didn't know you were carrying that around. Files and reports really _don't_ tell you everything about a person… You know it was a justifiable choice, right? Balak was the worst of the worst; if you had let him escape he probably would have tried again, and he very well might have succeeded."

Shepard nodded faintly. "I know. No one said the choices would be easy."

Miranda tilted her head a bit. "How do you try to make up for it?"

Shepard smirked, bit her lower lip, finally sighed. "I…try to be nicer to Batarians…"

Miranda's face went through a remarkable series of expressions as she tried to keep control, tried to take Shepard seriously, tried to be the project director, the observer, the counselor…but then she simply burst out laughing. She covered her mouth, but a giggle escaped…followed by hitched, gasping…giggles.

Shepard rolled her eyes and threw her hands in the air in mock indignation. "What the hell _else_ am I supposed to do?"

"I know, I know " – giggle – "you're right, it's just – "

Kasumi walked up to them. "I got the data. And while you two ladies were gabbing the day away, I went ahead and got the next one too. Looks like this is everything…" She narrowed her eyes at them as Miranda wiped tears from her eyes. "_What_ did I miss?"

"It turns out our intrepid Commander here has picked up a new skill. She hacked this terminal."

Kasumi looked at Shepard appreciatively. "You _minx_, you. Most impressive. You know, if you're interested, there's this great technique you can use, by reversing the – "

Shepard held up a hand. "Let's not get carried away. I'm still an amateur, trust me."

"Well, you know where to find me when you want to learn some smooth skills."

"I do indeed." She looked over at Miranda. "Anyway, don't worry. I'm fine. I get enough sleep. When I need to." She nodded decisively. "Now, let's go see if our little adventure in petty crime got Liara what she needed."

... ... ...

Shepard stared at _yet another_ terminal. She frowned. She really didn't understand why Liara couldn't do this herself. "Why can't Liara do this herself? From her desk?" She glanced over at Miranda.

"Well, her connection to these remote terminals could probably be traced, if someone looked hard enough. She seems to be playing in the big leagues, so odds are someone would."

She let out a long breath and turned back to the screen. "Okay…"

"You need help?"

"Nope."

Fifteen seconds later she leaned against the wall and studied all the data files. She frowned, read them again, then commed Liara.

"It's Shepard. You said the Shadow Broker agent is female, right? All five of these suspects are male…I'm sure. Who gave you this lead, Liara?"

"My assistant, Nyxeris, she got the information…Nyxeris _gave_ me the information… Shepard, I'll talk to you later." Shepard heard Liara's muffled voice before the line went dead. "Nyxeris, I need to see you a moment." _Shit._

Shepard was already moving. "Let's go. Now."

She ran up the stairs to Liara's office, pulling her gun as she did. She cleared the door to find Liara standing over Nyxeris' body.

Liara looked up at her and smiled calmly. "You needn't have worried, Shepard. I took care of it."

Shepard holstered her pistol and nodded. "So it seems."

Liara walked back behind her desk. "If you could excuse me for a moment, I need to take care of the, um, body. Please, come back in a bit, and we'll…talk."

Half an hour later Shepard sat down across the desk from her. "So what's the next step for you?"

"Now I gather more information, peel away layers, shine light into the shadows…"

Shepard leaned forward, over the edge of the desk. "Liara, please, enough with the enigmas and the mysterious act – _talk_ to me."

Her shoulders slumped a bit, but then she looked up at Shepard, her face cold and hard. "I need to find the Shadow Broker. And when I do, I'll hit him with a biotic field so strong that what's left of his body will fit into a coffee cup." She slammed her fist down on the desk.

Shepard turned around to Miranda and Kasumi, leaning uncomfortably against the back wall of the office. "Would you mind going back to the market and buying that Omni-tool upgrade software we were looking at earlier? I'll meet you both down there in a bit, okay?"

Miranda nodded in understanding. "Of course, Shepard. Take your time."

She took a deep breath and turned back around. "Liara, I'm sure you've been through a lot the last two years. Things that I don't understand. Things that may have changed you. But the kind of anger you just showed, it _can't_ be just from what you've said. Now, I'd like to think you can tell me anything. Why don't you try?"

Liara stared at her for a long moment, then stood up and began pacing slowly behind her desk, staring out at the lights of Nos Astra below.

"Shepard, did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body?"

_Okay, _that_ wasn't where she had expected this conversation to go…_ "No," she said cautiously. "They just said they 'recovered' it. They've been predictably vague about it. Why…?"

Liara's voice was barely more than a whisper. "I gave it to them." She swallowed then looked over at Shepard.

Shepard's expression was one of…confusion. There were so many steps between that statement and here, she didn't even know where to begin. She looked up and found Liara staring at her, eyes watery.

"I don't understand." That was a good a place as any to begin.

Liara turned quickly back to the windows. "The Shadow Broker had your body, Shepard. He was selling it to the Collectors. He – "

"Wait, stop."

_Preserve Shepard's body if possible._ The Collectors had said that on Horizon. It was midway down the List Of Things To Contemplate When She Couldn't Sleep. It had just been bumped to the top of the list.

"The Collectors were _purchasing_ my body? Which the Shadow Broker had…how?"

Liara shook her head. "I'm sorry. I don't know."

Shepard bit her lower lip and thought for a moment, then looked back up. Liara was visibly upset. There would be time to figure it all out later. "Okay. How did you get involved?"

"I – Cerberus approached me. They said…they said they could bring you back, rebuild you. They just needed me – and my friend, Feron – to take you…to take your body from the Shadow Broker, before he delivered it to the Collectors." Her voice cracked. "So I did."

Shepard stood up and went around the desk; put her hand on Liara's shoulder and tilted her head slightly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

A tear rolled down Liara's face. "Because I thought you'd hate me. When I gave you to Cerberus, I told myself I was doing it for you, for a chance to bring you back – but I knew Cerberus would use you for their own purposes, and I let it happen_. Because I couldn't let you go._ I'm sorry."

She reached out with the other arm and pulled Liara into a hug. "Hey, it's okay. I don't hate you, I promise." But inside, her mind was a jumble of conflicting emotions.

First and most relevant to this precise moment was the fact that Liara was being a little…worrisome. She knew Liara had harbored feelings for her back then, and she had very clearly, if gently, dissuaded her of the notion. She knew as well as anyone that the knowledge that someone didn't reciprocate one's feelings didn't mean an end to those feelings. And she knew that Liara could tend towards the _emotional_ side.

But…_okay_. Until such time as Liara attempted to grab her in a passionate embrace, she would continue treating her as a close, platonic, friend. And if Liara _did_ try to grab her in a passionate embrace, she would…deal with it. Somehow.

She pulled back but kept her hands on Liara's shoulders. "Stop it, okay? Stop crying. I don't hate you; I _thank_ you."

Liara tilted her head in confusion. "You do?"

Shepard dropped her hands and walked over to the windows; she stared out at the shining, vibrant city for a moment. "I do."

She turned back around. "I'm _alive_, Liara. Do you understand how much that means – how much that has _always_ meant – to me? It sounds silly to even say – 'it means a lot to me to be alive' – of _course_ it means a lot to me to be alive! How could it not?"

"But Cerberus – "

"Is a pawn…they just don't know it yet."

Liara narrowed her eyes, tears traded for curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"Like it or not, I need Cerberus in order to defeat the Collectors. I need their ship, I need their money, I need their information sources. So for now, I – mostly – play along with the Illusive Man. I admit, I don't know exactly why he's chosen to trust me with this mission – and that bothers me more than a little." She sighed. "It's a dangerous game I'm playing, I know it is. And assuming I survive the Omega 4 Relay, surviving the last round with him may prove…tricky. But I'll find a way."

Liara looked at her in horror. "The Omega 4 Relay?"

She nodded grimly. "Yep."

"Oh, Shepard…"

She smiled confidently then. "Don't worry. I have it covered – or I will, anyway. But never mind about that. Do you understand? I'm alive, and it's because of you. You've given me an amazing gift, Liara. _Thank you._"

She could swear Liara's face glowed with happiness. She smiled in spite of herself. Liara had a good heart, and a kind soul. She hoped she wasn't going to have to break it a second time.

She really did owe Liara her life. She realized then – Liara had probably earned her love; deserved her love. But you couldn't choose who you loved in life. It was as simple as that. And that was okay, because, even through the heartache, the pain, she…she didn't _want_ to choose anyone else.

* * *

><p>Kaidan crashed onto his couch, exhausted but relieved to be back on the Citadel, back to civilization, such as it was. Finally back to his apartment. His investigation into the Collectors had quickly led to Omega. Which meant covert – the inhabitants of Omega did not take kindly to Alliance Commanders traipsing around flashing a badge. He groaned. God that place was a wretched hive of scum and villany. And the trip had only been marginally successful. More leads to follow, none of them easy.<p>

He opened one eye and saw the light blinking on his terminal. He sighed. He probably had 200 messages waiting for him. It wasn't secure to access Alliance communications on Omega, so he had been effectively cut off for the last ten days.

After a few minutes he reluctantly got up and went to his desk. They weren't going to read themselves. He scanned down the list…standard Alliance administrative spam…a note from his Dad. He started to read it when a message further down caught his eye. _"Re: About Horizon"_

He froze. He was afraid to open it. The message he had sent had been pitiful, lame. He had wanted to recall it as soon as he had sent it; wanted to do it over, to say something…more. But he hadn't, because he had been afraid of the _more_.

He steeled himself – preparing for rejection, for hatred…for goodbyes – then opened the message.

She filled the screen, the camera catching her from the shoulders up. His breath caught in his throat.

Then she _smiled_. God but it was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. _"Kaidan…_thank you_. Thank you for reaching out to me."_

He let out the breath he had been holding. Deep inside, a spark two years dead began to flicker anew.

He couldn't say how many times he watched the message; how many times he paused it, stared at her frozen image, rewound it to see, hear a particular phrase again.

Anderson had been right about one thing at their _contentious_ meeting after Horizon – she seemed completely herself. By turns confident and vulnerable; resolute and passionate; forceful and tender. _Just as he remembered her._

She told him she was facing near-certain death; that this should be the end of their communication for now because of that. Of _course_ she would do such a thing – thinking of him, yet choosing the mission before all – before her, before him, before them_. Just as he remembered her._

_It was really her._

The galaxy had fallen into line before her in the face of her determination to make it so; how could he possibly do anything less? And as he watched the sadness, the tumult of emotions dance in her eyes, he didn't _want_ to do anything less; he wanted to do _more_.

His hand moved to the keypad. "End of our communication" be damned. At this moment, there was only one thing in his life he knew for certain.

"_Re: Re: About Horizon…"_


	35. Samara

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 35 **

"**Samara"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Samara**

**LAST UPDATE: 11 days before Activation of Omega-4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 1 month, 14 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I added a warrior monk to the team today. Samara (she doesn't appear to have a last name) is a Justicar of the Asari people, a member of an ancient monastic order that follow a strict code and use it to punish the wicked and protect the pure. Or so I am told. My first sight of her was certainly of her punishing the wicked. We'll see about the 'protecting the pure' part.

Convincing her to join me was a largely run-of-the-mill affair – infiltrate the Eclipse mercenary headquarters, inevitably kill all of them we come across, and acquire the name of a ship on which Eclipse had recently smuggled an Asari criminal off-world.

When it came time for Samara to join me though, the most astonishing thing happened. Samara indicated that in order to follow me – to supplant her code with my orders – she needed to swear a particular oath. Then she knelt, began glowing in a brilliant biotic shimmer, and intoned in a reverent voice: _"By the Code I will serve you, Shepard. Your choices are my choices. Your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code."_

It was definitely unlike any oath of fealty any crew member had ever given me before. It was beautiful.

I am not really sure what to make of the Justicars though, or of Samara herself. All day long people tried to explain to me what Justicars _were_, and all day long they mostly failed. Justicars seem almost to be freelance bounty hunters, but they have no employers. They hear of or encounter a bad guy, an evil act, and they exact justice. They are both respected and feared by Asari, and apparently are recognized as "law" in Asari space.

But their "code", their approach to right and wrong, good and evil, is the most rigid, black-and-white outlook I have ever encountered. There is no room for mercy, for discretionary judgment. The code says what is right, and what is wrong, and what action must thus be taken.

I asked Samara tonight how much she knew about our mission, what else she needed to know. She replied that she had sworn an oath to follow me, and I sought to destroy the Collectors, and that was enough for her. I pushed – didn't she want to know _why_ the Collectors needed to be fought? She replied stoically. "When you live by a Code that compels you to harsh action, you learn the dangers of curiosity. If I must kill a man because he has done wrong, do I really wish to know that he is a devoted father?"

I refuse to believe there is danger in curiosity. I recognize that Samara is admired, looked up to as a champion of justice by her people. But her philosophy goes against a lot of what I _know_ to be true, what I have learned over a lifetime of making hard choices. I believe in the power of redemption; I believe in second chances. I believe that life is often complicated, and when it comes to whether a person lives or dies, the choice should never be easy.

I've made a lot of hard choices – but I'm glad they were hard. If they were easy, well, I'm not sure I would be worthy to make them.

The fact that Samara does not trouble herself with such concerns…well, it bothers me. She has sworn herself to me, in dramatic fashion, so I am fairly comfortable that should I order her to stay her hand on a mission, she will do so. And I certainly have other team members whom I would never trust to make the hard choices.

Perhaps it is the fact that Samara presents herself to the world as a great arbiter of justice – and I'm just not at all sure that's true.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 1 month, 9 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Wow. While I may disagree with Samara's code and the view of life it has given to her, I have nothing but sympathy for her right now. She is going to kill her daughter.

I would question how one could _possibly_ do that, question the soul of someone who _could_ do that – except that her daughter is a cold-blooded killer. Morinth is a victim of her genetics, yes, but she had a choice. Even in the most unfair of circumstances, everyone has a choice…even if it is only the smallest choice of how they respond to those circumstances. The alternative presented to her was not appealing – a life as a prisoner, even in relative luxury, would certainly not be appealing to me. Nonetheless, it was a choice. Morinth chose to be a killer.

So I will help Samara kill her daughter.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Morinth's latest victim had been a young girl named Neph. We comforted her distraught mother and learned enough to track Morinth to the VIP section of Afterlife. I leaned against the wall in the market and looked over at Samara. "You've been tracking her for 400 years – how do you want to do this?"

"Storming her den would be a mistake; she'll have a hundred escape routes planned. We need to lure her out." Samara looked at me with haunted eyes. "Shepard, I need you to be bait."

I thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "I'll try. But how do I get her attention?"

"You can draw her out. You are an artist on the battlefield; you have the vital spark that attracts her. Your power will draw her to you. When you meet her, subtly encourage her to invite you back to her apartment; I will follow a safe distance behind, then break in once you are there."

"I make no promises, but it seems as good a plan as any." I started to move towards Afterlife, but Samara grabbed my arm.

"Shepard, know this. Until I get there, you will be in great peril. She will plan to inflict great horrors on you; if you are not very careful, you will want her to."

I frowned. "I doubt that I – "

She interrupted me. "Shepard, this is not mere charisma or subtle manipulation. Morinth possesses true power. Her eyes will promise you things you were always scared to ask of another. Her voice will whisper in your head after she is done speaking. She will dominate your mind. You must be careful."

This gave me pause. "Samara, I want to help you, but I can't risk being turned into a vegetable. Not now. Well, not ever, but definitely not now."

She caught my gaze and held my eyes. "Shepard, you are strong. Incredibly strong, or I would not ask this of you. You can resist her. And I will come for you. Trust me, as I trust and honor you."

It was unfair for me to ask such of her if I couldn't reciprocate. I nodded. "Okay."

... ... ...

I felt the beat pulse through me as I moved in time with its rhythm. _Dancing_. It was a secret guilty pleasure that I rarely had occasion to indulge in. The lights kept time with me and with the music, creating a soulful and captivating experience. For a moment I let myself forget that I was Commander Fucking Shepard, died and reborn to an impossible task. I let the music consume me…I was just a girl, lost in the rhythm.

As I spun around I noticed an Asari bearing a striking resemblance to Samara. She was leaning against the railing, perfectly still, staring at me. _Morinth._ I closed my eyes briefly – put aside the frivolous but wonderful diversion, prepared for the task at hand – then opened them.

When I spun around again I made a point to catch her eyes for a second. Next time, my eyes traced the length of her as I smiled the slightest bit. When I met her eyes again, she motioned with a hand. _Come here_, it said.

I slowly danced my way over to her.

The entire time we were in Afterlife, I thought I was in control. I fed her bullshit, responded to hers with appreciation and desire.

Even once we were in her apartment, I thought I was in control. I complimented her décor, her memorabilia. I stalled. But then she grabbed my arm as I walked by.

"_Sit with me."_ Her voice echoed in my head. The compulsion to sit was overwhelming. A chill ran down my spine, and I suddenly realized just how much danger I was really in.

"_Look into my eyes."_ I looked, but mentally tried not to _see_. I imagined a wall behind my eyes, separating them from my brain. But her voice was a snake; it slithered around the wall and into my mind.

"_Tell me you want me,"_ she whispered. _You want her,_ my mind whispered.

"_Tell me you'd kill for me,"_ she whispered._ You'd kill for her_, my mind whispered.

"_Anything I want,"_ she whispered._ You'd do anything she asked of you,_ my mind whispered.

In an incredible act of pure will…I closed my eyes. _No one would ever own me._ I shoved her voice out of my mind, then re-opened my eyes.

"_No."_

She recoiled. "But you…_who are you_?"

At that moment, the door to the apartment crashed open and Samara ran in.

Morinth jumped up. "Mother!" she hissed, voice filled with venom. The room exploded in mass effect fields.

My mind suddenly felt empty, hollow. I shook my head roughly, blinked – and ducked as a lamp flew over me headed for Samara. She knocked it away with a slight hand movement.

The violence broke the spell. I looked up to see Morinth pinned against the window, four feet off the ground. Samara was across the room, but her arm was outstretched, hand held in a claw-like form.

Morinth's gaze tore from her mother and flew to me. "Shepard – I am as strong as her, stronger even! Let me join you – I will follow you."

I stared at her with revulsion. "I don't _think_ so, Morinth."

I glanced over at Samara. She was shaking from the exertion of overpowering Morinth. She took a deep breath.

"Goodbye, daughter." She clenched her fist and pulled. Morinth flew off the window and slammed face-first to the floor. Samara leaned down over her and grasped her head. "Find peace in the embrace of the goddess." With a wrench, she snapped Morinth's neck.

She knelt over the body for a moment, head hung low. Then she stood up, back straight and head high, and looked at me. "I am ready to leave this place and get on with my life."

I nodded but didn't move. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She looked away. "What can I say, Shepard? I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters. There are no words. Show mercy on a broken old warrior and let us leave."

... ... ...

I'm afraid the encounter with Morinth has left me rather shaken. I was not prepared for that – and I make it a point to be prepared for everything. It was…an experience unlike any I have ever had.

Well, is that really true? Morinth in my mind was not entirely unlike the beacons forcing Prothean visions into my head…but it was both gentler and more demanding. A whisper, swirling around my mind, insisting that I submit.

I have to wonder – if I had not learned to deal with the Prothean visions, would I have been able to resist her?

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 4 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I went to check on Samara today. I found her, as ever, meditating. When I walked in, she stood up without turning around and walked to the large window looking out on the galaxy.

"Morinth haunted my waking hours and dreams alike. For the first time in 400 years I am free. I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free. It is not a feeling I can describe."

"Do you think you did the right thing?"

She turned around to me. "It was never a choice. I had to take the action I did…as did she. This was never a story that would have a happy outcome."

To live with such sorrow, the crushing weight of such fatalism…it wasn't right. It wasn't how life was supposed to be lived. I walked up beside her, joining her in staring out at the stars.

"Samara, has your life always been one of sorrow? Have you never known happiness, joy?"

She looked over at me. "Fear not, Shepard. The first 500 years of my life were filled with adventure. I danced, I loved, I fought, I killed people, I saved people. Eventually I settled down; I had my children. I was ready to sit back, bask in my success and enjoy my family. Then one day, I sat in a medlab and learned that nothing was as I thought it would be. And my life changed forever."

I regarded her with some skepticism. "It's just that – "

"Tell me, Shepard. You shine with a vibrancy I have rarely seen; your every moment, every action, radiates with life. Have you never known sorrow?"

I turned back to the window. "I have."

"But it does not define you."

"No, it does not." I looked back at her, kindness on my face. "And that's my concern. It seems to me that your sorrow defines you. That it sets the course of your life. I find that tragic."

She nodded thoughtfully. "I cannot deny your point. For now, the pain is too recent, too raw, for me to consider anything else. But who knows – perhaps aiding you in saving humanity from the Collectors will change the course of my life."

I smiled. "I would like that."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 25 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I glanced over at Samara. "The Asari I've spoken with seem conflicted about Justicars…"

We were sitting side by side, facing the window to the stars. With a view like that, I couldn't blame Samara for spending nearly all her time here.

She nodded thoughtfully. "The people today are used to shades of gray; the Justicar Code is black and white. I might seem a hero to many, but I would kill all of them if I had to."

I frowned. "Sometimes justice calls for mercy."

"Shepard, the Code does not exist to bring about spiritual enlightenment. Its purpose is to punish the wicked and protect the innocent."

"And when who is wicked and who is innocent is not clear? What then?"

Samara was stoic. "The Code defines the circumstances under which one is wicked or one is innocent."

I sighed audibly, and couldn't keep the annoyance from my voice. "Well _that's_ a relief."

"Shepard, I believe I understand the source of your frustration…when I prepared to leave Asari space, I studied the history of humans, this new ascendant species of the galaxy. You are more individualistic than any other species I have encountered. It is not surprising that each of you believe you have the right to judge guilt and innocence."

I started to protest, but she waived me off. "You, Shepard, may actually possess the wisdom and insight to make such judgments; most, however, do not."

I conceded the point with a slight nod.

She regarded me thoughtfully. "Truthfully, you possess remarkably good judgment for one so young. Your parents must have taught you well."

I stared out at the nebula passing by. "My parents were killed when I was sixteen years old."

"Oh…I am truly sorry, Shepard."

I smiled at her then. "It's okay. It was a long time ago. Anyway, you're still right. They did – my father, especially – teach me what I needed before they were gone."

"That is good. Still…I suspect you found much of what you needed within yourself already. That is the way of the greatest amongst us."

I grinned a bit. "The _greatest_ amongst us?"

"Shepard, in the nearly thousand years of my life, I have seen many leaders rise and fall. Some were worthy; many were not. Though I have only known you a short time, I believe that you, my friend, are worthy."

I gazed at her, at a loss for words. "I – thank you, Samara. I am humbled. I hope I can live up to your expectations."

She smiled. "Of that I am certain. I suspect the greater difficulty will be in living up to your own."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 11 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

This evening I found myself at Samara's door. I hadn't realized that's where I was headed. But these days I found her presence increasingly…comforting.

She looked up and smiled when I walked in. "Shepard, I'm glad you came by. There is something I've wanted to tell you."

I sat down next to her, by now a familiar setting. "Please, you know you can speak your mind with me."

She nodded but didn't say anything for a moment. "I've done many things in my life. I thought the galaxy held nothing new for me. Since joining you, however, I have begun to realize how much more there is, even still. For all that I have been alive a thousand years, I spent much of that time in Asari space – there is so much of the galaxy I have never seen; entire species I have never met. There is a lot of evil to be punished out there…but I suspect there are also a lot of people that could use my help. Thank you, Shepard, for opening my eyes."

I tried to smile but didn't quite get there. "I'm glad you are seeing the light beyond your own sorrow…" My voice dropped to a whisper and I stared out the window as a brilliant sun came into view. "I hope you get the chance to experience it."

"You are concerned we will not survive this mission."

I plastered a smile then. "No. I'm confident we will succeed."

She regarded me thoughtfully. "You put on a very brave front for us all. I know you feel you must – you are the Commander; the Leader; the Example." My head turned quickly to her_. How could she know so precisely what I told myself when I needed to project strength?_ "And perhaps you are correct. But you need not do so for me. I have lived a thousand years, and I am not afraid to die. If I die in your cause, I will do so honorably and without regret."

She paused, and I could feel her eyes on me. "Shepard, I fear you have no one to talk to, no one to lean on for support. I do not presume to believe I can be your support. But I would like to listen, if you would like to talk."

I swallowed reflexively and looked back out the window. _I so desperately needed to talk._

My voice was soft, quiet. "I don't know if I can do this. When I was chasing Saren, I had the authority of the Council, the Alliance; I was the anointed weapon of our very civilization. Until the end anyway – and that happened so fast, it was a whirlwind; I was running on adrenaline and righteous anger. All the way to the end. But now…"

I sighed. "But now, nothing is clear, and I have all the time in the world to think about that fact. We have all the team members we're going to get now; we know where to get the IFF. But I feel frozen. There's so much I still don't understand. Why the Collectors are jonesing so badly for my body. When the Illusive Man will try to stab me in the back. What the Illusive Man did to me that my brain can be _hacked_ by an AI-human hybrid. Why the Reapers are using the Collectors to collect hundreds of thousands of humans. What's on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay."

I looked over at her then. "I'm flying blind, and I don't know a way to find the answers. Before, I was absolutely convinced of the rightness of my cause, and I utterly believed in my ability to succeed. But now…I just don't know."

Samara gazed out the window. "I know it is a bitter pill to swallow, especially for one so…willful…as yourself, but you do not need to know all the answers in order to know the path to follow. Trust your heart, trust your instincts, and you will see the way."

She looked back at me. "I know that you are not perfect; that you are not invincible. Even without you telling me, I know that you have moments of weakness, of doubt. But you are utterly unlike anyone I have ever known. The very galaxy seems to bend itself in your direction. I believe in the rightness of your cause, Shepard. Not because the Code tells me it is right, but because I _know_ it is right. And I believe in you."

I reached over and hugged her impulsively. "Thank you, Samara. I can ask for nothing more. And thank you for listening."

I looked over her shoulder as the brilliant sun passed beyond our view and smiled. "I feel…better."


	36. Missiles and Missives

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 36 **

"**Missiles and Missives"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>54 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 1 months, 11 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

The Prothean vision crashed over her –

– _Blood. Death. _Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. _Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._ Screams, words that were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. More planets; more systems; more synthetics. _Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._ Impossibly more devastation, ruin. It would surely never end –

Mercifully, her world went black.

…"_Dr. Chakwas, I think she's waking up."_

_She opened her eyes to the Med Lab ceiling. She blinked a few times to clear her vision. As she started to sit up, Dr. Chakwas appeared at her side. _

"_Commander, are you alright?"_

_She grimaced. "I feel like I've been run over by a transport ship, but…yeah, I think I'm okay. How long have I been out?"_

"_About fifteen hours. You had us worried for a while there."_

_Kaidan spoke up. "You lost consciousness when the beacon exploded. I had to carry you back to the ship."_

_She looked over at him and made a poor effort at a smile. "Thank you, I appreciate that."_

_A smile slowly crept up his lips. "Anytime, ma'am. I'm just glad I was there to help you." Then he blinked and his face resumed a professional façade. "I'll, um, go let the Captain know you're awake."_

_After he left, Chakwas turned back to her. "He barely left your side while you were out, you know."_

_She stared at the recently-closed doors to the Med Lab, a curious expression on her face. "Is that so…"_

She opened her eyes to Garrus' scarred face hovering over hers. The concrete floor was hard against her back. She blinked a few times to clear her vision.

"Shepard, are you alright?"

She pulled herself to a sitting position and ran a hand roughly down her face, staring up at the Prothean artifact hovering in front of her. "I wasn't expecting that, but…yeah, I think I'm okay. How long have I been out?"

Garrus remained crouched down next to her. "Only thirty seconds or so. Prothean?"

She nodded. "In living color."

"Anything…new?"

"No, same old same old. Innumerable Reapers, streets turned to rivers of blood, planets decimated. Warning, the Reapers are coming!" She shifted slightly and moved to stand up, muttering as an aside, "Thanks, but I _did_ already know that…"

Thane extended a hand to her, which she gratefully accepted. He was along on this mission to investigate an archaeological dig site so soon after she recruited him because he was…interesting. She needed a chance to figure him out. But thanks to the Protheans rampaging through her brain, that was going to have to wait a while longer.

She tried to smile, but it came out more of a grimace. "Thank you."

She looked around at the dig setup and frowned. "What would the Blue Suns want with a Prothean artifact?"

Thane answered. "I suspect their interest is purely financial; my experience with them does not indicate much inclination for scientific pursuits."

Garrus nodded. "That's true enough. Were they really in charge of this site though?"

She reached down and picked up the dropped datapad, lost when the vision had struck her, and scanned it for a moment. "No, they were just stealing it from…fucking ExoGeni…"

Garrus' eyes narrowed. "ExoGeni…wasn't that the group behind the Feros colonization? The one that used the colonists as lab rats for the Thorian's mind control?"

"One and the same. They also lost their entire science team on Nodacrux to ostensibly docile, obedient creepers." She sighed – ExoGeni occasionally gave Cerberus a run for their money in the "amoral evil" department. In fact, it wouldn't surprise her in the slightest if they were in business together. "The only thing worse than Blue Suns getting their hands on a Prothean artifact is ExoGeni getting their hands on one."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and glanced over at Garrus. "Did I ever mention that Prothean visions _suck_?"

He responded dryly. "Once or twice, I think."

After a minute she looked back down at the datapad. "Looks like the Blue Suns were planning to ship all this out of here…" She activated her comm. "EDI, do you have any information on a ship by the name of _MSV Strontium Mule_?"

"Yes. Its last known location is in a nearby system…Shepard, current scans indicate it is damaged and adrift. We can be at its location in 3.28 hours."

"Thank you, EDI. We'll be back aboard shortly, then let's rendezvous with it."

Garrus looked at her with concern. "Shepard, maybe you should take it easy for a while, even see Dr. Chakwas?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine. They may have removed other Prothean artifacts before we arrived, and the last thing we need is the Blue Suns releasing artifacts into the black market. They're too dangerous." She looked around one last time then nodded. "Let's go."

Thane fell in beside her as they headed out. "If I may ask, what is this Prothean vision?"

"The Protheans used beacons as galaxy-wide communications devices. After the Reapers attacked, a group of scientists sent out a message across the network, hoping to warn anyone not already under attack of the threat." She sighed. "But the message was designed for Prothean minds, not human ones – _definitely_ not human ones. So receiving one is a bit of a…jarring…experience."

He looked at her quizzically. "If it was intended for Protheans, how is it that you understand it?"

She grinned at that. "Oh, I have a translation key in my head."

"Of course," he murmured before quickening his pace.

She shook her head at his back. What a _peculiar_ man…

She hung back as they went to the shuttle, so neither Garrus nor Thane saw her rubbing her temples wearily.

As they buckled in, Thane looked over at her. "The message no longer serves any purpose though, right? You stopped the Reapers two years ago."

She smiled grimly. "I suspect I only delayed them. Hopefully _significantly_ delayed them."

He nodded slowly. "Interesting…"

No, it wasn't _interesting_ at all. As she had so rudely been reminded mere moments ago, it was galactic genocide. The destruction of _everything_. And sooner or later, it would come for them all.

Occasionally she forgot that with the exception of Garrus and Tali – and Miranda, who had spent two years studying her in excruciating detail, the members of her team were largely ignorant of what had happened – what had _really_ happened – when she had chased Saren across the galaxy and back again. She gazed at Thane out of the corner of her eye and wondered how much he wanted, and how much he needed, to know. But the shuttle ride was entirely too short to answer the question.

As soon as they stepped off the shuttle and onto the Normandy, Garrus grabbed her by the arm and started marching towards to the Med Lab. She protested, but it was a weak protest.

"Garrus, I said I was fine…"

"Just let Chakwas take a look at you. You've got three hours before we get to that ship; what were you really going to do with that time anyway?"

"Nap…" she grumbled.

"Excellent – you can nap in the Med Lab then."

She narrowed her eyes at the side of his head…but she didn't fight him.

Dr. Chakwas looked up from her computer when they walked in. She quickly noticed Garrus' hand on Shepard's arm and stood up. "Is everything okay?"

"The Commander got a fresh dose of Prothean messages and passed out for about thirty seconds. She – "

"I'm fine."

He glared at her. "She says she fine, but I thought you should check her over."

Chakwas frowned. "You thought correctly. Thank you, Garrus."

He nodded, _finally_ let go of her arm, and left the Med Lab. She glared with as much intensity as she could muster at his back as he left.

Chakwas turned her attention to Shepard.

"I'm _fine_."

"Commander, this is the first time you've been exposed to Prothean communications since you…since you've been back. The effects could be unpredictable. Also, if I recall correctly, the last several times you had similar encounters you didn't lose consciousness."

Shepard climbed onto the nearby cot and folded her feet underneath her. "I think I just wasn't prepared for it this time. The Cipher, Virmire…I knew what was going to happen, I could…get ready for it. This time – this wasn't a beacon, it was some other type of artifact. It must have captured a recording of the message somehow. But I wasn't expecting it." She smiled lightly. "And hey – it wasn't fifteen hours; just thirty little seconds."

Chakwas studied her intently, then finally nodded slowly. "That all seems logical. Still, better to be safe. Lie down."

By the time Chakwas finished running all her tests and grudgingly allowed Shepard to leave the Med Lab, they were approaching the _MSV Strontium Mule_. She went straight from the Med Lab back to the Command Center to get ready. She had alerted Samara and Miranda to get prepped while Chakwas was poking and prodding her, and they were already geared and ready when she arrived.

The Normandy would be docking directly with the _Strontium Mule_. It was a delicate maneuver; she could hear Joker chuckling with delight as he executed it.

"Don't even try to claim you could do any better, EDI!"

"As we have repeatedly discussed, Mr. Moreau, I am not intending on taking over your piloting duties."

"Damn straight you're not."

Shepard smiled to herself but then shouted in the direction of the cockpit. "Joker, get over yourself and open the doors already!"

Ship raids were great for biotics – close quarters, nowhere to run, lots of walls to be thrown against. She let Samara and Miranda wreak havoc on the mercs that had invaded the ship. She hoped that, per her plan, with all the mass effect fields bouncing around they wouldn't notice her rather weak contribution to the effort.

Three decks and a metric shit-ton of Blue Suns mercs later, she crouched behind a crate in the cargo hold, closed one eye, and sighted down the sniper rifle on the head of the well-armored merc guarding the "payload" everyone seemed to be so excited about. She started to pull the trigger when her vision blurred in and out of focus; her head swam. _Fucking Protheans and their fucking message._ She blinked twice to clear her vision then pulled the trigger.

Moments later she stood over the contents of the payload and sighed. Implants, tech upgrades, omni-tool mod chips…

Miranda shrugged. "Well, we can probably use some of it…"

She nodded. "Let's pack it up. Still…looks like this was mostly a wild goose chase; sorry about that."

Samara gazed at her stoically. "These men surely deserved to be brought to justice; that is always a worthy endeavor."

Shepard looked around at the bodies littering the floor. "Justice" might not be the _precise_ word she would have chosen…but it would suffice.

She and Miranda lugged their bounty from the _Strontium Mule_ onto the Normandy and straight to Mordin's research lab. He glanced up briefly as they entered. "Shepard, Miranda, can I help you?"

"Donations to the cause, courtesy of the Blue Suns."

"Good for them. Put it in the corner, will look at it later."

They dropped the container against the wall, then she turned to Miranda. "Thanks for the help. I'm going to…try to get some work done upstairs."

"Of course, Shepard. Maybe I will see you later at dinner."

She put up her armor and weapons, then dragged herself to her quarters and prepared to crash face-first onto the bed. It was the middle of the afternoon, but she really didn't care. She knew that sleep would only bring a replay of the vision, but she really didn't care. She was pulling her boots off when EDI interrupted.

"Shepard, I'm receiving a distress call from a human colony on the nearby planet of Watson. It appears their lunar defense system has been taken over by Batarian mercenaries, who have launched two Javelin missiles at the colony. Impact is likely to result in total destruction of the colony."

She groaned. "Get us there, EDI. Tell Garrus and Miranda to suit up."

"Understood, Commander."

She took a last, longing look at the bed then turned and headed back out the door.

She hurried back into her armor, _again_, grabbed her weapons on the run, and met Miranda and Garrus at the shuttle just as they entered orbit around Watson's moon.

There was no time to attempt a stealth approach; the shuttle landed directly next to the security center on the lunar defense base.

The building was filled with Batarian mercs. They had just cleared the first room when EDI transmitted the estimated time remaining to prevent the missiles from striking the colony.

Shepard stared in disbelief at the blinking numbers on her omni-tool: _4:58_

"Not _again_…" She ran through the door.

She threw herself against the wall across from Garrus, then glanced over at him. "You remember the _MSV Broken Arrow_ about a month ago?"

He grunted as he fired a shot and a merc fell. "Not going to forget that one anytime soon, Shepard."

"Want to do it again?"

"No."

"Too bad." She held up her omni-tool for him to see. _4:46_

His eyes widened briefly, then focused. "Never dull around you…" He took off across the room.

Four minutes later she stood in front of the main control panel. "EDI, how do I deactivate the missiles? And quickly, please!"

"Shepard, I'm afraid the attackers were able to destroy one of the kill switches before you reached them. You will only be able to stop one of the missiles. The first missile is targeted at the colony's industrial district; a direct hit will decimate the infrastructure of the colony, likely rendering it no longer viable; based on the time of day it is also likely to cause several hundred casualties. The second missile is targeted at a residential area where the majority of the colonists reside; a direct hit will almost certainly result in thousands of casualties."

Many of the choices she had to make were hard ones. This one was easy. Somehow, that didn't really help.

She activated the kill switch and directed it at the missile headed for the residential area, then stared at the dual monitors in front of her. A few seconds later the feed from the industrial district cut to static. It was the hard, cold calculus of her life. More lives saved was always better. The purpose didn't matter – it always came down to the math.

She opened her comm, eyes still locked on the static screen. "Joker, notify the Alliance that a Batarian missile has struck the industrial district on Watson and request the nearest ships to begin rescue operations."

"Will do, Commander…you saved the residential area then?"

"I had to make a choice, Joker. I chose to save the most lives."

"I – of course, Commander."

She cut the link, closed her eyes, then slammed her fist into the control panel; sparks shot off all around her.

Miranda jerked around in surprise, frowning at her. "Shepard…you did a good thing here; all the lives you saved…"

She spun on Miranda. "I _know_ that. It's just…I don't understand! I don't understand why someone is always _insisting_ on trying to murder thousands of innocents – I don't understand what drives people to such evil acts, I don't understand how they justify it, I don't understand how it gives them _pleasure_ to destroy things, to destroy lives. I keep stopping them, but they just keep on trying. How many people around the galaxy died today to mercenaries, to slavers? Hundreds just died right here, right now. I swear, it makes me wonder what I'm doing all this for…I'll never be able to stop them. They'll just try again tomorrow, somewhere else. And I won't be there. I am so. fucking. _sick._ of it!"

She turned to storm off but Miranda grabbed her arm. "You do it for each one of the thousands of people you saved just now. They don't care what may happen on some far off planet tomorrow; they only care that you saved them today."

Shepard closed her eyes tightly and hung her head. "I know," she whispered.

They checked for any remaining mercs, found and killed two, then returned to the shuttle. The mood was somber on the ride back. When they exited into the Normandy's cargo hold, she turned to Garrus and Miranda.

"Nice work today…it's good we were able to get there in time. Thank you." She didn't wait for a response; she just turned and walked wearily to the elevator, stripping her armor off as she went, dropping it to the floor for some ensign or other to pick up later.

Two minutes later she stood in the shower and let the scalding water cascade over her. She turned her face upwards, welcoming the heat, just on the edge of burning. _Burn me back to life, please._

After a minute she ran her fingers through her hair. _Get a grip, Shepard._

Keeping the melodrama at bay wasn't always easy. Not since coming back from the grave. Not on days like today. She tried; god how she _tried_ to keep her head screwed on straight. Most of the time, most of the days, she succeeded in staying more or less grounded, practical, focused on her goal and the path to achieve it. But it wasn't always easy. Not on days like today.

She hadn't meant what she said to Miranda; not really. She wasn't the savior of the galaxy – well, she kind of _was_, but she wasn't responsible for saving every life, every day. She had never claimed to be; not really. Most days she was a realist. She could only do what she could do – and it was far more than most. She couldn't become obsessed with righting every wrong, with savings dozens or even hundreds – not when she had to save billions.

It was just that occasionally the evil that existed in the universe really _pissed her off_.

She laughed aloud, the spell broken.

Feeling better, she quickly finished showering and pulled on shorts and her favorite Academy t-shirt – well, the new replacement for her faded, worn Academy t-shirt that she had owned from the time she graduated until it burned up over Alchera. She sat down at the desk and opened the terminal. The bed beckoned to her, again, but it would have to wait a little longer; she had work to do.

Her eyes flew immediately to it_. "Re: Re: About Horizon…"_ She should laugh at the increasing absurdity of the title. She didn't.

She had sent the reply almost two weeks ago; she had quietly given up on a response. She had told him not to send one, after all – and among the many things Kaidan Alenko was very good at was following orders. Though seeing as she was no longer his commanding officer, it was really more of a suggestion…

It was only in the lonely depths of the night that she had desperately hoped for one.

She steeled herself – preparing for rejection, for platitudes…for goodbyes – then opened the message. His familiar voice filled the room once again; she closed her eyes.

"_Shepard…" _

"_Forget everything I said before, none of it matters. I love you."_

– the last was a whisper…but then, stronger, passionate –

" _I _love_ you."_

– a pause, the silence broken only by his breathing –

"_Do what you have to do…but _live_, and come back to me."_

She breathed out slowly then opened her eyes.

_I love you._

She replayed the message.

_I love you._

She looked over at his picture.

_I love you._

She laughed with joy as tears gently rolled down her cheeks. She felt as though a crushing weight – one she hadn't even realized was there – had just been lifted. She was fairly certain that if given the opportunity, she would be able to fly. _So this is what it feels like…_

After a minute she hit "Reply" and typed out a quick response.

_I will. _

_I promise._

They could call it a suicide mission if they liked. She would find a way to survive. To _live_.

For herself. For her father. For Kaidan.


	37. Thane

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 37 **

"**Thane"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Thane Krios**

**LAST UPDATE: 6 days before Activation of Omega 4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 1 month, 15 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Thane Krios is dying. That is his least interesting feature – but I suspect it colors everything about him, both before and after I met him, so I thought it important to note first thing.

Tonight I recruited Thane on Ilium (yes…it is very, very late when I am writing this; such is the nature of my life). He is an assassin who was hired to kill Nassana Dantius – someone I didn't expect to ever run into again and someone I'm not overly unhappy to see dead. Back during the hunt for Saren she used me, took advantage of me. That is _not_ something I make a habit of letting happen. But that's neither here nor there; she's dead now, and Thane is with me.

My first clue that Thane was not a typical assassin came when I talked to Nassana's former head of security, an Asari named Seryna. She also had no love for Nassana. But when I asked her about Thane, she replied, "I asked him why he was doing the hit, and he said he 'had to restore the balance of his life'."

Now personally I would think that if someone was introspective enough to be trying to restore the balance of their life, they would start by no longer assassinating people. But that's just me.

We infiltrated the Dantius Towers once night had fallen. Our best chance to find Thane was during the assassination attempt; if he was a decent assassin – which he must be or we wouldn't be recruiting him, now would we? – as soon as the job was done he would vanish into the ether.

Along the way we found dozens of hired Eclipse mercs and a number of employees who liked Nassana even less than I did.

My second clue that Thane was not a typical assassin came when every non-merc employee we came across was locked safely away – in closets, in offices, in storage rooms. By all accounts locked away by Mr. Krios. I realize that not every assassin mindlessly kills every person they come across, but making the extra effort required to save them _all_ is another matter entirely.

I have to pause here for a small aside. After making our way up to the top of one of the towers we had to cross a skybridge to the other tower. We were at least fifty floors in the air; there was no railing on the bridge. The entirety of Nos Astra spread out below our feet, the city lights shining so brightly they almost turned night into day. _It was beautiful._ The nature of my career is such that I've spent rather little time in metropolitan areas…but I love their energy, their dynamism. I love their lights.

The final rush of Nassana's hired guns sadly meant I had little time to take in the view. Safely across the bridge (us anyway), we moved to her penthouse office. And I got to deliver the line I've been waiting to say pretty much since I woke up on a Cerberus lab table fifty days ago.

Nassana was more than a little surprised to see me walk in. "Shepard! But…you're dead…"

"I got better."

It was awesome.

I was making a half-hearted effort to convince her that I wasn't actually there to kill her when a shadow dropped down from the ceiling. In the blink of an eye the necks of Nassana's two personal bodyguards had been snapped. Another blink and a Drell grasped Nassana then shot her point blank.

My third clue that Thane was not a typical assassin came when he carefully laid her body out on her desk, then folded his hands and bowed his head, his lips moving in a silent prayer. I stood watching him intently, head cocked to the side, I'm sure a curious expression on my face.

"I was hoping to talk to you, Mr. Krios."

He continued his prayer for another moment then looked up at me. "I apologize, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think she deserves it?"

"Not for her. For me."

I dipped my head slightly in acknowledgement as all the clues merged together to form the picture of the man standing before me.

He paced slowly along the floor-to-ceiling windows of Nassana's office. "You cannot tell the measure of a person simply by their actions. Take you, for instance. All this destruction, chaos…yet I suspect that is not who you truly are." He came to a stop and turned to me. "You wanted to talk to me. Well, here I am."

I nodded brusquely, leaving for another time the discussion of who I truly was. "The Collectors have been abducting entire human colonies – hundreds of thousands of people. I'm going to stop them, and I'd like your help."

He began pacing again, thinking. "Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 Relay, yes? No ship has ever returned from doing so."

I smirked the slightest bit. "It won't be the first time I've done the impossible."

"A fair point. You have indeed built a career on doing exactly that." He stopped then. "Regardless, low survival odds do not concern me. I am dying."

That's a statement to which you never truly learn how to respond. "I am…sorry." I did mean it.

"Do not be. You are giving me an opportunity. The world is a dark place…I'm trying to make it brighter before I die. I will help you, Shepard."

So I now have on my team a dying Drell assassin with a strict moral code, devout faith in _something_, and a ferocious guilt complex. Thing is, he's not even the strangest member of the team.

But I suspect he may be the most interesting one.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 1 month, 12 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

It was a busy couple of days on Ilium, but today I was finally able to go by and spend a few moments with Thane. He told me of his people, of the Hanar homeworld where they live now, and of his illness. Slow suffocation…over months, years. Having suffocated over minutes I don't know if I can imagine a worse fate. I'm sure they exist, but…

I told him he didn't act like a dying man, but in retrospect I'm not sure that's true. In retrospect I think maybe he acts _exactly_ like a dying man – driven to set things right, to make a difference. To matter, before the end.

For all that he was willing to talk, to answer any question I asked, I don't really feel that I'm any closer to understanding him. He may be a true enigma. However…I get the rather _uncomfortable_ feeling that he very well may be closer to understanding me; that the entire time I was quizzing him, he was spending most of his time studying _me_.

In response to my remark that he didn't act like a dying man, he looked at me, none of his multiple eyelids blinking, and simply said, "You have the advantage there, Shepard. You have already died."

I suspect that should I sleep tonight, I will dream of suffocating. I will dream of my death.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 1 month, 8 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Earlier today I received a message from one of the Salarians we rescued in the Dantius Towers. He was ostensibly thanking me for helping him, but mostly he talked about Thane:

_"The way he moved...one was dead before they even knew he was there. He snapped another's neck, then shot a third, all in the space of a few heartbeats. It was incredible. He moved like a dancer, grace and power in constant motion. Seeing him changed my life, woke up something in me I don't fully understand yet. I'm going to find something that lets me capture what I saw in him, that beauty, that aesthetic perfection."_

Thinking back to the night we met and to the other day at the dig site for the Prothean artifact…I couldn't really disagree with the characterization. Once again curious about my enigmatic assassin, I went to see him…and got right to the point.

"If you don't mind me saying, you don't seem much like an assassin."

"You've spent too much time fighting thugs who think painted armor makes them an assassin. The Hanar trained my body for this role since I was six years old."

My eyes widened in horror. "You've been killing since you were six?"

"Of course not. I didn't make my first kill until I was twelve. They were training me. I was not to be used and thrown away. I was an investment."

I was truly horrified. "You were a _child_!"

"Please, calm yourself. I've given you the wrong idea. They valued me. Yes, as a resource, but also as a person. They…regretted their need for me."

I settled back, thinking for a moment. "And need you they would…the Hanar are not physically adept or agile; they are not athletes or soldiers…to say the least."

"Yes. Out here, away from their homeworld, they are weak. But if you could _see_ them in the oceans you would see it all differently. They vibrate in harmony with the water. They fly over the seabed like angels, like birds plumed with the light of heaven. It is…_beautiful_."

I swear I could almost see it through his eyes. The strange, clumsy, slow-talking, tentacled aliens suddenly took on an entirely new dimension. I smiled. "I would very much like to see that."

"I wish that I could live to show it to you."

I dropped my head; feelings of sadness for him mixed with surprise at his unexpected forthrightness.

"I apologize. I do not mean to constantly remind you of my impending death; it is not my intention to dwell on such matters."

I looked back up at him. "Never apologize for wanting to live. There is no greater gift than to be alive."

He tilted his head and regarded me thoughtfully for a moment. "Is that what your death has taught you?"

"No. That is what my life has taught me."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 4 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I regret to say that I was wrong. It appears that Thane is just another killer on a team full of mercenaries, murderers and crazy people.

We were traveling to Tuchanka today and I spent much of the downtime checking in on the crew. Including Thane.

We talked about the perfect memory of the Drell. A tremendous gift and a terrible curse.

"When memory feels as real as life, it _is_ life. Wouldn't you rather lose yourself in such a memory than spend the night alone, staring at walls of metal and plastic?"

I thought about Kasumi, choosing to lose herself in virtual memories of her dead lover. I thought about the incredible memories I had – of hours of heart-pounding danger, of moments of glorious victory, of places of indescribable beauty, of gasps of soul-rending passion, of caresses of remarkable tenderness. But I also thought of the hours, of the days of despair, of heartbreak and anguish. I thought of the nightmares that plagued me still.

I looked at him. "I can't decide if that is a tremendous gift or a terrible curse. Would you give it up if you could?"

He shook his head immediately. "No. Never."

"But what about the _bad_? What about the assassinations – the guilt, the regret?"

"Guilt? No, I've never felt any particular guilt over my kills. My employers killed them; I was only the weapon. If you kill a man with your gun, do you hold the gun responsible?"

My eyes narrowed. "My gun can't decide right from wrong. You _clearly_ can."

He nodded slowly. "My soul does. But my body is merely flesh. Drell minds are different than humans. We see our body as a vessel, and accept that it is not always under our control."

I abruptly stood and leaned against the window, arms crossed, eyebrow raised. If there was one thing that annoyed me more than anything, it was someone refusing to take responsibility for their actions.

"That's _bullshit_. Your body is under your control when you very carefully, slowly, _deliberately_ pull the trigger. Don't patronize me by trying to tell me you aren't responsible."

He frowned deeply. "No…please, you misunderstand. It's…humans often recognize the difference between the soul and the body, yes? They recognize the soul as something that lives on after death? Our belief is just a bit more…literal."

I stared at him, unimpressed and a bit disgusted. "That isn't the same thing and you know it." I shook my head sadly. "See, I've been trying to figure you out, trying to understand how a lifelong assassin could appear so…_moral_, so considerate, so spiritual. But I get it now. You're lying to yourself. _Deluding_ _yourself_. Because if you ever admitted to yourself all the evil you've done, your psyche would collapse from the crushing weight of the guilt. So you pretend to everyone – even yourself or maybe _mostly_ yourself – that you are some sage, wise, soulful man. And you hope to die before you have to face the truth."

I shook my head a last time and moved to go. "You know what? I was wrong. You aren't very interesting after all."

I walked out.

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 3 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I had just finished spending half an hour washing the layers of Tuchankan dirt off of me and was settling in for a quiet evening when EDI announced that Thane was at the door to my quarters.

I dropped my head into my hand and squeezed my eyes shut. "I…okay, let him in."

He walked in a few feet then abruptly stopped a respectful distance away. I just sat there at the desk, arms folded, looking at him. Finally he started pacing on the landing.

"I have spent the night, and the day, thinking about what you said. It is…important…to me that you understand, and that you not think less of me."

My voice was flat. "I _do_ understand."

"No, you do not. But after many hours of thinking about it I find I do not know how to explain it, how to help you to understand. All I can say to you is that…I know the things I've done and I know the man I am. There are terrible things I've done for which I _am_ responsible; and for those I carry a weight of guilt you cannot imagine. So you were incorrect when you said that I was lying to myself, that I do not admit to myself the evil I have done. I _have_ done evil, and I live with that every day. But the kills for hire I have done were not my evil."

I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. "Why? Because your employers told you they were bad people?"

"No. I'm certain some of them were not. But I did not make the decision that they would die. If I did not pull the trigger, someone else would have. They would be dead regardless of whether my body performed the act or not. It was not my choice to make."

I looked at him then. "Yes, but _you_ still had a choice. We always have a choice. It may not always be a good one, or the one we want, but we _always_ have a choice."

"That is important to you: that you have a choice."

"Yes. It is."

"Then why did you _choose_ to be on this ship? To work for Cerberus?"

I chuckled wryly. "You know, I should tell you it's none of your damn business and ask you to leave."

He dipped his head slightly. "And you would be correct to do so. Still."

"I'm choosing to save the most lives. The only way I can."

"And others – the people out there – when they hear that you are on this terrorist ship, do they understand why? Do they see your choice and respect it?"

I smiled grimly. "Not all of them."

"Things are not always as we understand them to be, Shepard. Please give me the chance to help you understand."

I dropped my chin to my palm. I didn't look at him, but after a minute I nodded. "Okay," I said quietly. "But not tonight."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 1 month until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I was refereeing yet _another_ disagreement between EDI and Joker when EDI informed me that Thane needed to speak with me.

I glared at Joker and the holographic representation of EDI. "Both of you – work it out. Find something better to do with your time than squabbling like teenagers." I walked away before either of them could protest further. Only Joker could develop a love-hate relationship with an AI…

I wasn't thrilled about going to see Thane. The truth was, I still hadn't worked out just what to think of him, total contradiction that he was. I had thought him someone I could truly like, but the gaping hole at the core of his morality made me intensely uncomfortable. If he was looking for resolution today, he wouldn't find it. I took a deep breath and walked in.

"Is something wrong?"

He stood up. "Yes…now that you are here, though, it is…difficult to talk about."

An unpleasant thought suddenly occurred to me. "Are you feeling sick? Do you need to talk to Dr. Chakwas?"

"No, no…though I suppose in a way that is a part of it. My mortality has me…dwelling on things."

I sighed. "Thane, I'm not ready to listen to more justifications. I just – "

He looked over at me. "Forgive me, Shepard. It is not – I do not want to try to explain – I mean, I _do_, but I will…wait for you. That is not why I asked you here."

I nodded. "Okay. What is it?"

He started pacing, as I had already noted he did whenever he was anxious. "I had a family once. I have a son, his name is Kolyat. I have not seen him in a very long time."

"How long?"

"Ten years. My family…I abandoned them." He glanced quickly over at me. "I realize that is not likely to improve your opinion of me, Shepard. But nonetheless, that is what I did. Not all at once, nothing dramatic, no huge final argument, no slamming of doors. I just…did my job. I hunted and killed across the galaxy."

He stopped for a moment, lost in the past. "When my wife departed from her body I left Kolyat in the care of his aunts and uncles. I have not seen him or talked to him since."

"That's not the choice I would have expected."

"Shepard, my body is blessed with the skills to take life, as is yours. Unlike you, however, I have few other skills. I didn't want this life for my son. If he hated me, so be it; at least he would not have the life I did. But given the current circumstances I decided to use my contacts to track him down. And I was disturbed to find that he has become…disconnected. He does what his body wills."

"What do you mean?"

"When the soul is weakened by despair or fear, when the body is ill or injured, the individual is disconnected. No longer whole. It is – I'm sorry, I do not mean to return to our earlier conversation. The thing is, he has learned what I am, what I've done. Worse, he has gone to the Citadel to take a job as a hit man. He is – this is not a path he should walk." He looked over at me with an expression that could only be described as desperation.

"_Please_, Shepard. Help me save him."

I smiled gently. "I will."

What else could I do?

* * *

><p><em><strong>SEVENTH ENTRY: 28 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Captain Bailey helped us track down Kolyat. He was turning out to be quite a helpful guy. Nice guy, it seemed.

Thane and I walked along the Zakera Ward sidewalk on the way to find this kid "Mouse." My eyes were scanning the crowds, my head occasionally glancing around. When I looked back, I found Thane watching me.

"You are…looking for someone, Shepard?"

I sighed. "No…not really." _Of course I was looking for him._

But there was no reason he would be here. And I wasn't even sure I wanted to see him. I mean, of course I _wanted_ to see him. Desperately. But it would be unfair to him, unfair to both of us…to have the possibility of being together dangled in front of us, for a few tantalizing moments, only to have it cruelly yanked away.

_Better to wait._ Which was why I hadn't messaged him to see if perhaps he was here.

I gazed around at the crowds again.

Thane nodded his head slowly. "I see…"

I smirked at him. "Do you?"

He smiled slightly. "Perhaps."

Mouse was a scrawny teenager in mismatched clothes. After a great deal of gentle persuading he led us to Elias Kelham, a human operating on the gray side of the law, as the originator of the assassination contract. After a great deal of somewhat less gentle persuading Kelham led us to Joran Talid, a Turian politician with disaffection for humans, as the target.

There was no way to find someone who was off the grid on the Citadel. It was simply too big, too jammed with people, too filled with hiding places. Our quickest option, our only real option, was to tail Talid until Kolyat made himself known – and hope we could stop him in time.

As I turned and left Thane to move to my own observation post, I heard him whisper a prayer.

"_Amonkira. Lord of Hunters. Grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift. And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness."_

I let out a long breath as I left him behind. The morality, the justifications, behind his chosen path in life were complicated and not easily reconciled. And despite what he claimed I wasn't at all convinced that he lived without guilt for his actions. I suspected his prayers to his gods asked forgiveness for far more than he was willing to admit.

But I had been at least partially wrong before. Rash, perhaps? He was not a shallow man, nor a deluded one. It was a bit confounding for someone like me, who depended on knowing what was _right_ to guide me, but for all the evil acts he had performed he really was _a good man_. I decided then that I wasn't going to upend my worldview on account of him or anything – I was just going to accept him. I had too many other battles to fight – there was no room to fight one, with him or with myself, over the state of his soul.

We tracked Talid across the Ward as he glad-handed for votes. It was slow, patient work – not the kind of thing I was built for, but something at which Thane excelled. Then suddenly, everything happened at once. A young Drell appeared out of the shadows, gun in hand. I was too far – and too high – to reach him in time, so I did the only thing I could do – I yelled his name. He looked up in surprise, Talid's bodyguard shielded him, and everyone ran. I jumped off the catwalk and hit the floor at a run; out of nowhere Thane was beside me.

It all came to a head at Talid's apartment. We ran in to find Talid on his knees, a gun to his head. Thane stepped up and said his son's name in a soft, calm tone. But Kolyat was a wreck – shaking, fidgeting, eyes darting. It would have been immediately obvious to anyone that he had never done such a thing as this before.

He sputtered at his father. "This…is this a joke? Now? _Now_ you show up!"

Thane took another step forward, but then Bailey and several officers burst in. "C-Sec – put the gun down son."

"No way." He looked down at his prey and tightened his grip.

Years of real-life-no-shit-life-or-death situations had honed my ability to assess a situation in a split-second. Here, now, I knew – if nothing changed this was going to go badly, and do so quickly. In the next few seconds in fact.

I yanked up my pistol and shot the lamp behind Kolyat. He half-turned behind him in surprise and his gun arm lowered. In the blink of an eye I was in front of him. As he turned back around I just punched him in the face and then grabbed the gun from him when he staggered. It was inelegant and violent, but it worked.

It was all over in less than five seconds.

I didn't look at the man on his knees, opting to keep my eyes on Kolyat. "Talid, get the hell out of here before I remember your politics."

He stumbled to his feet. "Yeah…yeah, I will."

Bailey lowered his gun and nodded to an officer. "Take the boy in to custody."

Kolyat glared at Thane, hatred in his eyes. "You _son of a bitch_."

"Kolyat." He jerked and looked at me in surprise, as if he had already forgotten I was there. "Your father doesn't have much time left. He's here because he wants to help you."

Thane stepped closer. He was a master of calm but I was fairly certain I saw his hand tremor. "I came to grant you peace. You are angry that I wasn't there when you're mother died. As you should be."

"You weren't there when she was alive, _why_ should you be there when she was dead?"

Thane dropped his head and nodded. "I am sorry. Kolyat, I've taken many bad things out of this world. You are the only good thing I've added to it."

Kolyat stared at his father, his throat working but no words coming out. Bailey spoke quietly.

"This isn't a conversation to be had in public. Boys, take Kolyat and his father back to the precinct. Give them a room and as much time as they need."

As the officers stepped forward and gently led Kolyat away, I looked over at Bailey curiously. "I'm surprised you're doing that for them."

Bailey grunted. "You think he's the only man who ever screwed up raising a son?" He sighed. "Come on, I'll give you a lift back."

I smiled and nodded, certain there was a story of heartache and regret that I would never know.

* * *

><p><em><strong>EIGHTH ENTRY: 27 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Thane had been virtually silent on the way back to the Normandy, sharing nothing of his conversation with Kolyat. I let him be. But today I went to see him.

I walked in to hear him talking. I started to turn and go when he looked up. "Please, stay. I was just recording a message for Kolyat."

I smiled then and sat down across from him. "How is it going with him?"

"It is difficult." He looked up at me. "All things worth keeping are."

That was…that was one of the most profound statements I had ever heard. I was mildly ashamed it had never occurred to me. I smiled in recognition and understanding. "Yes. They are."

He told me then about his wife, about how she died, about how he hunted down her killers. It was apparent that she had meant everything to him and that he would never forgive himself for her death. It was also clear to me that there was nothing I could do or say to help him past it. And he wasn't looking for me to fix him, to absolve him of his sins. But I do think he was looking for understanding. For someone who had seen the kind of things he had seen to hear him, and to _understand_.

I thought maybe I could do that.

"I haven't spoken about my wife in – I don't think I ever have. I didn't have anyone left to tell about her."

I smiled gently. "Now you do."

He started to return the smile, but then his eyes clouded over. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to presume. Before…we had left matters unsettled. I will forever be grateful to you for helping me with my son." He stood up and went to stare out the window at the drive core, his back to me. "I can't – I won't – ask anything more of you. I understand if you do not wish to listen to the sorrows of a dying man any further. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders; you do not need to add my weight to them."

I studied his back – blinked – and saw the man. I stood up and joined him at the window. "I don't mind." My voice was soft.

He turned his head to look at me, brow faintly furrowed. "But I thought…"

I stared out the window. "I can't tell you that I agree with all of your beliefs about yourself, about your choices – because I don't. I can't tell you that I approve of the path your life has followed or of the things you have done – because I don't." I turned to him then. "But I _can_ tell you that I believe you are a good man, with a good heart, who wants to do what is right – because I do."

He closed his eyes. "Thank you, siha."

I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry…what did you call me?"

He opened his eyes again and smiled faintly. "_Siha_. Ask me another time, and perhaps I will tell you what it means. For now, I think…I think I have taken enough of your time."

* * *

><p><em><strong>NINTH ENTRY: 24 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I was eating a late dinner when Thane sat down next to me. He had a plate of food, but after about two minutes I noticed he wasn't touching it. I put my fork down and looked over at him with a questioning smile. "You okay?"

"Yes. It's just…I find there is something I want to say to you, but I haven't been able to find the right time or place to do so."

I stood up. "I'm done. Come on, we'll go upstairs."

He nodded. "Yes. Okay."

In my quarters, I poured a glass of wine and sat down on the couch. "Sit, please."

He sat down, dropped his arms on his knees, and gazed at the floor for a moment, before looking up at me sideways. "Will you hear my confession, _siha_?"

I frowned. "You don't need to confess anything to me, Thane. I told you – I accept what and who you are."

He nodded. "But I would like to, if you will listen."

"I wouldn't talk to you if I didn't want to hear what you had to say."

"Very well." He looked back down at the floor. "After I eliminated those responsible for my wife's death…I had no goal. I was going to die, and I had nowhere to go. I accepted the Dantius commission because I didn't know what else to do."

I watched him sympathetically. "I'm glad I found you when I did then."

He looked up. "It was an intervention by the gods. I would have died in that penthouse if not for you. If Nassana's guards had reached me after I had killed her, it would have been a good death. Looking back…my body had accepted its death; my mind had already been dead for a long time. But you…you _saved_ me, Shepard. Your mission has given me purpose. A cause, one worth dying for. A chance to atone for some of the wrong I have done in my life."

He reached over impulsively and grasped both my hands in his. "_Thank you_, _siha_. Thank you for redeeming me."

I swallowed. I was speechless. I was overwhelmed with feelings of unexpected timidity and unbridled affection. "I…Thane, I don't…you don't need to thank me. I…don't know if I can take credit for redeeming you, but…you are _worth_ redeeming."

He dropped his head and nodded, then let go of my hands and stood up. He walked up to the fish tank and appeared to watch them as they swam.

"Would you like to know what 'siha' means?"

"Very much so."

"It is a warrior-angel, in particular one representing the goddess Arashu. Such a warrior-angel is fierce and relentless in her wrath, yet tenacious and unyielding in her protection of those for whom she cares."

I couldn't help it – I grinned like a schoolgirl. _I'm a goddamn warrior-angel!_ I looked up and found him watching me. I smiled even more broadly. "I love it. I can think of no greater compliment I could wish for. Thank you."

He tried to hide his pleasure, but smiled nonetheless. "No thanks are required. It is simply true."

He came and sat back down then, and seemed to relax a bit. He looked over at me. "You have someone – someone whom you love, and who loves you in return." It was both a statement and a question.

I smiled gently and then nodded slowly. "I do."

He gazed at me, seemingly in understanding, and acceptance. "I am glad. That is as it should be." He looked away for a moment, then suddenly back at me. "It is not my place, but if I may…why is he not at your side?"

I took the time to try to answer the question honestly. "There are several reasons, not the least of which is that he despises Cerberus with the fire of a thousand suns. Most of all, though…I accept the fact that I may die in this cause. I will do everything in my power to live and fully intend to do so – but if I must die, then I will. But I would have him live."

He slowly smiled. "I was not wrong. You are, indeed, truly the _siha_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>TENTH ENTRY: 6 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Thane and I have talked a lot since my last entry. About his life, his people, his son. About my life, my father, my death and resurrection. I have found it remarkably easy to talk with him about the difficult things – my fears and doubts, my regrets and wishes. He has nothing to lose, but still, he is a comfort to me. He has called me _siha_ ever since that day at the Citadel.

I think that…

I think that he is dying. I think that he is a Drell – undeniably alien.

I think that…

I think that you can't choose who you love in life. And I think that's okay, because even through the heartache and the pain I don't _want_ to choose anyone else. I don't _think_ that – I _know_ that utterly and completely.

But I think that if none of the above were true…and if by some cruel twist of fate I _couldn't_ choose Kaidan…

I think that perhaps I could choose Thane Krios.

It doesn't matter in the end because all of the above _is_ true. And while I would never wish Thane to die, I am glad all the rest is true.

But nonetheless…important to have said it I think.


	38. Miranda, Part 1

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 38 **

"**Miranda, Part 1"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note<strong>__: For those keeping score, "Miranda" is the final Journal entry (Legion simply isn't in the game enough for an entire chapter, though I promise he won't be ignored). Part 2 will be published immediately; they are split solely for readability purposes._

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Miranda Lawson**

**LAST UPDATE: 13 days before Activation of Omega 4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIRST ENTRY: 2 months, 24 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

If I'm really going to keep these journals, I'm going to have to do one for Miranda Lawson, aren't I? I may have _mostly_ stopped calling her "The Bitch" in my head, but that doesn't mean I have achieved any level of comfort regarding her.

First and foremost, she is the Illusive Man's top agent; his lieutenant, representative and spy aboard this ship. The distance between here and me _trusting_ her is very far indeed. Very probably an insurmountable distance.

Secondly, the fact that she oversaw every aspect of my…resurrection…makes it rather disconcerting to be around her. Frankly, it gives me the creeps to think that she spent two years studying, analyzing, my damaged, naked body; that she spent two years scrutinizing all the events of my life. She looks at me, and I swear she still sees a science experiment. _Her_ science experiment.

Thirdly, she really _is_ kind of a bitch.

…None of which is a valid reason to not write about her. So…here I shall write.

* * *

><p><em><strong>SECOND ENTRY: 2 months, 20 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I returned to my quarters earlier this afternoon to find a pile of listening devices on my desk, along with a note from Mordin indicating where he had found each one. The last item on the list read, _"Found camera in restroom. Disturbing."_ Only slightly more disturbing than the thought of Mordin in my restroom, even if I _had_ asked him to check there… I gathered up the bugs in my hand and went straight to Miranda's office.

She looked up from her monitor as I walked in. "Commander – "

I dumped the bugs unceremoniously on her desk, then crossed my arms and glared at her. "No more. Do you understand me? Do _not_ replace these bugs in my quarters. I know I can't keep Cerberus from watching every inch of the rest of this ship – though I certainly won't dissuade anyone from removing bugs as they find them. But I will _not_ have you – I will _not_ have the Illusive Man – watching me sleep, taking notes on how many hours I do so, whether I toss and turn, what – if anything – I sleep in. I will fucking _not_ have someone watching while I _shower_, for god's sake. Are we clear?"

"Commander, we simply need to monitor your physical health – "

"Then bug the Med Lab. Which I'm sure you already have. Miranda, I must have _some_ space of privacy, some space for myself. What could you _possibly_ learn from watching me shave my legs?" I took a deep breath. "If I'm watched twenty-four hours a day, I'll go crazy. You want me on this ship, you _will_ give me this."

"I – " she nodded. "Very well, Commander."

I smiled sweetly. "See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?" I turned to go, then paused. I looked back at her.

"While we're discussing my quarters…I assume you are responsible for the picture?"

"I am."

I sighed, then sat down across from her. "How did you know?"

She folded her hands together on the desk. "Shepard, I spent two years learning _everything_ about you. You weren't quite so discreet as you'd like to believe."

I leaned back and crossed my legs. "Do tell."

"Fine. For one, the photos and vids from the aftermath of the Citadel Battle were rather enlightening, if you knew what to look for. They revealed a level of…shall we say, mutual affection…that I can only assume the adrenaline rush from the fight rendered you unable to mask." She frowned. "Though that doesn't explain Councilor Anderson's party..." A small giggle escaped from me; Miranda was not impressed. "Yes. Well. If all that didn't make it obvious, Commander Alenko's speech at your memorial service certainly did. It – "

"Kaidan spoke at my…service?"

"Oh yes, it was quite moving. All the speeches were, actually. You were obviously well-loved and respected. You know…I'm sure the vid is still available on the extranet; you could watch it if you like."

I looked away and blinked a few times. "Watch my own…funeral? I don't think I'm ready to do that." I shook my head then dropped it on my palm. "No, that's okay."

Miranda shrugged. "Suit yourself. In any event, those factors, coupled with certain entries in the Commander's personnel records in the months following your death painted a rather clear picture. It was an educated guess, but one I was comfortable making…" Miranda narrowed her eyes slightly at me for a moment. "And I see I wasn't wrong. Interesting. Doesn't the Alliance have regulations against that sort of thing?"

I just glared at her from between the fingers splayed across my face.

She nodded curtly. "Right."

I sighed and leaned back in the chair. "Why?"

"For your psychological health, of course. Your parents are dead; you have no siblings. I determined that a reminder of someone you cared about could ease your transition and help you feel more at home aboard this ship."

I smirked. "That's real thoughtful of you, Miranda."

She smiled, utterly missing the sarcasm. "Thank you, Shepard."

I stood up to leave, but stopped once again. "Where is he?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know."

I raised an eyebrow.

"That is the truth, Shepard. Several months ago the classification level on his file was increased significantly, such that Cerberus is no longer able to access it."

I nodded absently and walked out.

... ... ...

I went to bed tonight, I tried to sleep, I tossed and turned for hours. Eventually I gave in.

I got up and ran an extranet search…and sure enough, there it was. "Commander Graceyn Shepard Memorial Service." I sat there and stared at the entry for a long time, but in the end I didn't watch it.

I don't think I'll ever watch it. The simple fact is, I'm _not _dead. I wasn't dead then, not _really_, and I'm certainly not dead now. Besides…whatever those close to me said in memoriam upon my (apparent) death, it wasn't meant for my ears. They deserve their privacy.

* * *

><p><em><strong>THIRD ENTRY: 2 months, 2 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

It's been two days since Horizon. One day since my confrontation with Anderson. Eight hours since I finished the bottle of Tennessee whiskey.

I sat grimacing at the breakfast on my plate, calculating the odds of successfully keeping it down, when Miranda sat down next to me. I closed my eyes, thinking perhaps if I couldn't see her she would disappear.

"Shepard, I trust this diversion to the Citadel was worth our time."

I didn't look over at her. I picked up my fork on the assumption I was going to eat something. "Maybe."

"That's not much of an answer."

"I'm so sorry, but that's the best answer you're going to get."

She was quiet for a moment. To fill the silence I gingerly ate a bite of eggs. Gardner was a good cook, but they certainly weren't Kaidan's eggs. As the memory of a morning in Vancouver assaulted me I dropped the fork and quickly stood up to leave.

"Shepard, please…stay."

I took a deep breath, willfully pushed the memory away, then looked down at her, nodded and sat back down. "What can I do for you, Miranda?"

"Nothing in particular. I just wanted…to see how you were doing."

I sighed audibly. "I'm doing shitty, Miranda, but that is both immediately obvious and already known to you. What else?"

She frowned. "Very well then. Where are we headed?"

"Back to the Terminus Systems of course."

"Okay…_where_ in the Terminus Systems."

I eyed the food on my plate suspiciously. "No idea. Somewhere you wanted to go?"

"Well, the Illusive Man forwarded several new dossiers to you, including one for your former crew member Tali'Zorah. We should see to recruiting them."

I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose. My voice was quiet. "I know."

Miranda's voice softened as well. "Shepard, look...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened on Horizon. I know it wasn't the, um, reunion you were hoping for…but I'm sure it will work itself out."

My head snapped around to her, eyes wide. "It will _work itself out_? He called me a _traitor_, Miranda. He said Cerberus was manipulating me by claiming the Collectors were working for the Reapers. He said he had evidence that Cerberus was behind the attacks. That couldn't be true, now _could_ it, Miranda? The Illusive Man couldn't _possibly_ be doing that, could he? _You_ couldn't possibly be doing that, could you?" My voice had risen considerably; mercifully the mess was nearly deserted.

"_No_, Shepard. I swear to you. I…didn't know the Illusive Man was maneuvering to create an encounter with the Collectors, though I can't disagree with his logic. But you have my word, we are not manipulating you."

I stood up to walk away, but paused to look down at her.

"I wonder…would it look any different if you were."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FOURTH ENTRY: 1 month, 19 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

My apology tour finally made its way to Miranda today. She probably should have been higher on the list, it's just… It wasn't that I thought she didn't deserve an apology; she most certainly did, probably more than most. It was mostly that I knew it was sure to be a difficult conversation. And in some respects it was, though not entirely for the reasons I expected.

She looked up when I walked in, her eyes wary. "Shepard…what can I do for you?"

I plopped down in the chair, leaned back, crossed my legs, and smiled kindly. "The first thing you can do is relax. I'm not here to snipe at you _or_ accuse you of any nefarious deeds."

She nodded. "Okay then…is Tali'Zorah settling in alright? Are there any problems I can help with?"

"She's not _entirely_ comfortable being on a Cerberus vessel…but I think she'll be okay. I asked Garrus to go by and see her today, he should make her feel more at ease."

I let out a long breath. "But that's not why I'm here. I wanted to say I'm sorry – for how I acted at breakfast that morning after the Citadel, and probably half a dozen other times in the week that followed. A lot of things finally caught up with me. It wasn't just Kaidan – though he was certainly the catalyst, the key that unlocked a room full of demons. But it wasn't your fault; hell, if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't even be alive. So I'm sorry."

She leaned forward, elbows on her desk. "I know, Shepard, and you don't need to apologize. I'm afraid I'm not very good with…_personal_ relationships. That morning at breakfast…" She looked down at her hands. "It was my intention to provide some comfort to you, to express camaraderie and ask if there was anything I could do to help. But…" She looked back up at me with a self-deprecating grin. "I'm afraid I did a spectacularly bad job of it."

I chuckled. "Yeah, you _really_ did."

She nodded ruefully. "I did. My genetic modifications _didn't_ extend to interpersonal skills, as you no doubt noticed approximately thirty seconds after meeting me. It isn't something I've generally needed to concern myself with…until now…" Her voice trailed off, but then she started again quietly. "You absolutely don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but if you _do_ want to…what demons were in that room?"

I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. "The truth is, until Horizon, I was mostly trying to pretend that I hadn't died; that I hadn't lost two years in the blink of an eye; that this was just another Special Forces assignment I was on, and that once it was done I would return to my life. Evidence to the contrary kept showing up at my door, but I just brushed it all aside."

I looked back at her. "Willful blindness…not one of my finer traits. But Kaidan, the Citadel, the Normandy wreck…well, let's just say I wasn't _allowed_ to ignore the facts any longer."

She smiled softly. "I can't imagine what it must be like, to have everyone you knew move on, while you're still in the same place – to return to a world where you're dead, and have to try to find your place in it." She sighed. "Sometimes I can't help but wonder if we did the right thing by you."

I leaned forward abruptly. "No, Miranda. Never doubt that. It may not always be easy, it may not always be happy, but I'm _alive_, and I will take that over being dead every day of the week."

She nodded. "Of course, I understand. So…you're okay now, then?"

"I…it's going to take a while longer for me to really be _okay_ – but I'm getting there fast. You don't need to worry – I'll be fine, and I'm focused on our mission again."

"I'm glad to hear it – that you'll be fine." She gave me a half-smile. "And that you're focused on the mission. But I meant what I said the other day. I am sorry about Commander Alenko."

I grinned the slightest bit. "Don't count us out just yet."

"Of course not – I have learned by now never to count you out."

I stood to go, relieved the conversation had gone so well.

"Shepard…" I turned back around to her.

"For what it's worth, I regret that I advocated putting a control chip in you. I didn't know you then – I mean, I knew everything about you, but I didn't _know_ you. If I had, I never would have done it."

I cocked my head to the side and gazed at her. "Thank you, Miranda. But you shouldn't want to put a control chip in _anyone_. Can't you see that?"

She frowned. "No…a lot of the operatives that Cerberus hires have questionable backgrounds, suspect loyalties. We need to be able to rely on them to get their job done and not double-cross us at the first opportunity."

I sighed. "Miranda, they're _human beings_. They have the right to make their own choices."

She straightened up in her chair. "They made a choice when they joined Cerberus in the first place."

"Ugh…" I squeezed my eyes shut and dropped my head. "Never mind. Just…never mind."

I could feel her staring at me; I opened my eyes and regarded her with a measure of resignation.

She was unphased. "We can argue about Cerberus policy if you insist on doing so; I would prefer not to. But…I really _am_ sorry. If the Illusive Man had listened to me and put a chip in you, the galaxy, all of us…but most of all, _you_, would have been lesser for it. I'm glad that didn't happen."

I couldn't help but smile. She was obviously trying, and I knew it couldn't be easy for her. "I appreciate that, Miranda. I really do."

* * *

><p><em><strong>FIFTH ENTRY: 1 month, 18 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I was typing up my notes on today's rather unfortunate venture to the wreck of the Hugo Gernsback – and our even _more_ unfortunate encounter with Jacob's father – when EDI let me know Miranda was at the door.

"Come on in. Good to see you survived your boss' temper tantrum."

She slowly walked in, clearly distracted. "Yes, it was…fine."

I leaned against the wall and gazed at her. "Good. Watch out, there are steps right there…"

She looked up at me suddenly. "Sorry. I have a lot on my mind, and…I find myself in the uncomfortable position of needing your help." She successfully navigated the steps before pacing around the lower level. "I don't like discussing personal matters, but something has come up just now, and it's important."

I sat down on the couch, crossed my legs, and dropped my chin onto my palm. "Tell me."

"I told you about my father, why I ran. But there was more to why I went to Cerberus than just for my protection. I was resourceful, even then; I probably would have been able to take care of myself on my own. But…I have a sister, a twin. I took her with me – but my father is still hunting for her. Cerberus has kept her safe, until now. I was contacted tonight by one of my sources; my father knows she's on Ilium, and he's coming after her. I've already made arrangements with Cerberus to have her moved, but I need to get there to help. To make sure she and her family get safely away."

"Her family? She's married?"

Miranda was still pacing steadily back and forth, staring down at the carpet like it contained secrets to be discovered. "No, her parents…"

I frowned. "Miranda, if she's your twin then she presumably has your…capabilities. She's a grown woman. I understand why you might feel a bit protective, but…"

She stopped and looked up at me suddenly. "I…" She sighed deeply; her shoulders dropped. "Oriana is my genetic twin; but she's younger than me. A great deal younger than me. My father _grew_ her when I was a teenager, after it became apparent that I wasn't going to willingly play the role of his perfect creation. She was version 2.0, so to speak. But I couldn't let him do to her what he did to me. So I rescued her."

I watched her, brow furrowed, as she resumed pacing. "Miranda, are you saying you kidnapped a baby?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying. I freely admit and take responsibility for it. But…she's nearly grown now. And she's _happy_. She's had a normal life, with good, caring parents." She turned to me, fire in her eyes. "I won't let my father ruin her life _now_."

I nodded. "Okay. We need to go to Ilium anyway; we'll take care of this first thing, as soon as we get there."

She smiled weakly. "Thank you, Shepard. I won't forget this."

* * *

><p><em><strong>SIXTH ENTRY: 1 month, 16 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

The unflappable ice queen Miranda Lawson has a heart, and possibly a soul. Even as we have become more cordial, even friendly, I still didn't_ really_ think there was an actual human being inside that iron shell. But it turns out there is. So much so, in fact, that I find myself in the shocking position of feeling somewhat…protective…towards her now. I know, I know, it's insane. I am probably insane. For this, I mean.

It was a good thing we got to Ilium when we did. As with all such things, the plan to evacuate Oriana and her parents had not survived contact with the enemy. We met Miranda's liaison at a upscale club in Nos Astra called Eternity. She indicated that the contact on the ground, a man named Niket, had reported a team of Eclipse mercs on the move to Oriana's location.

I glanced over at her. "Who is Niket? Can he be trusted?"

She nodded decisively. "He's a friend. He and I go back…a long way. Okay – we'll take the car and distract the mercs while Niket escorts Oriana to the ship."

I smirked at her. "So the plan is for us to get shot down by Eclipse while your sister gets to safety?" I wasn't really worried about it, but it _was_ a fair point.

She shook her head. "No, we'll be fine. Eclipse won't risk anything that could kill us so long as they think we may have Oriana."

I shrugged. "Okay. Should be…interesting. I'm ready when you are."

She suddenly looked up. "Whatever happens, thank you Shepard. I hadn't planned on Eclipse." She almost grinned. "But they never planned on you."

So there were mercs. And more mercs. A couple more mercs after that. For all that Nos Astra was purportedly a bastion of money, style and Asari decorum, there was a _shocking_ amount of gunfire.

Curiously, though, a few of the mercs actually seemed interested in…talking. And that talking started painting a disturbing picture of Miranda's friend Niket.

We stood in the elevator, me leaning idly against the wall as Miranda _vibrated_ with tension. I took a deep breath and dove in.

"Are you _sure_ you can trust Niket?"

She nodded as she paced in the exceedingly small space – it was really more of a whirling back and forth. "He's one of my oldest friends. Truthfully, my only real friend. He's one of the very few people that know what my father is like. I trusted him with my life when I ran from my father, Shepard. He wouldn't betray me." She whirled back to the elevator control panel. "Dammit, why won't this thing go any faster?"

"Okay…Miranda?" She turned and looked at me. "Calm down. Take a breath. You can't protect Oriana keyed up like this."

She breathed in deeply, eyes closed. "Right…okay."

Satisfied she wasn't going to _actually_ explode for the moment, I continued, albeit carefully. "Did Niket know that you took Oriana when you left?"

She shook her head. "No, he just found out…it was too important to include anyone else. I…never really thought about that, but…no. He'd understand why I did it; he'd _have_ to. He knows what I went through."

I nodded slowly as the elevator at long last came to rest. "You know him, Miranda. If you don't think he would betray you, I believe you."

He betrayed her.

It was an ugly scene when the confrontation came. In the end, I had to move quickly – even for me – to stop her from shooting him point blank. And in the _later_ end, he died anyway, at the hands of the latest in a long line of mercs who thought they were king – or in this case, queen – of the world until I ended their reign with little more than a sweat.

Afterwards, we had one last elevator ride to take. All the vibrating had evaporated; what remained was an exhausted, deflated, shell of a woman. She leaned dejectedly against the wall of the elevator.

"I can't believe he sold me out. I didn't even see it coming."

I smiled gently – very gently – at her. "Even with all your upgrades, you're only human…just like the rest of us."

She flared. "But I let it get personal and I screwed up – this is why I _never_ let it get personal! Dammit, why didn't you just let me kill him? I could have _handled_ that. But this…" She sighed, and all the energy left her again. "I cared for him, and my father knew that. He used it against me. It was always like that with him…he gave me everything I ever wanted, but there was _always_ a catch." She shook her head dejectedly. "I threw everything he ever gave me away, in his face…except Niket. Stupid weakness on my part…"

I reached over and put a hand gently on her shoulder. "Miranda, you can't toss aside everything you care about, just on the off chance that it might come back to bite you. You need to have _something_ to hold on to."

She looked up at me with a brave face. "It's okay, Shepard. My father hurt me, but he can't break me. For all that he tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted, I'm my own person."

I smiled. "And you still have your sister. You saved her."

She nodded slowly. "I do. Thanks to you."

The elevator doors opened and we walked out onto the docking area. Oriana and her parents stood some distance away, in the crowd, waiting for their transport. Miranda stopped short and stared.

"There she is…she's safe, with her family…" She shook her head roughly. "Come on, we should go." She turned to head to the Normandy.

I grabbed her arm. "Hey…don't you want to go say hello?"

She shook her head. "It's not about what I want; it's about what's best for her. She has a family, a life…I'll just complicate that for her."

I didn't let go of her arm. "If she's anything like you, which by definition she _is_, she won't mind complicated. And I suspect she'd like to know she has a sister who's looking out for her." I put the other arm on her shoulder and met her eyes. "Go. Talk. To. Her."

She stared at me for several seconds, then nodded softly. "Okay."

I leaned idly against the wall and watched as Miranda approached Oriana, tentative at first, then increasingly relaxed as Oriana smiled and gently touched her shoulder. Laughter followed, and I watched the tension ooze out of her.

I smiled to myself.


	39. Miranda, Part 2

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 39 **

"**Miranda, Part 2"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note<strong>__: For those keeping score, "Miranda" is the final Journal entry (Legion simply isn't in the game enough for an entire chapter, though I promise he won't be ignored). _

* * *

><p><strong>PERSONAL JOURNAL OF COMMANDER GRACEYN SHEPARD<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>CATEGORY: SR-2 Team Members<strong>

**SUBJECT: Miranda Lawson**

**LAST UPDATE: 13 days before Activation of Omega 4 Relay**

* * *

><p><em><strong>SEVENTH ENTRY: 1 month, 15 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

It was so terribly late by the time we got back to the Normandy last night there was no time for anything but crashing into bed…to be followed shortly by crawling back out of bed and writing journal entries.

Regardless, it was the next day before I got to drop in on Miranda.

I leaned against the door to her office. "We're not going to be able to catch up to Mr. Krios until tonight, so I'm going shopping – want to come?"

She smiled and nodded. "Sure. Just give me a few minutes…" She took a deep breath. "But first, I need to thank you…again. I couldn't have gotten to Oriana – I couldn't have saved her – without you."

I tilted my head a bit and gazed at her. "I just did what I do. Fight the bad guys, take care of those that fight for me." I smirked the slightest bit. "It's pretty much my motto."

She looked up at me, a remarkable amount of perception hinted in her eyes. "That _is_ what you do, isn't it? Well, you do it very well. For all that I read about you, for all that I studied you…I didn't understand. But now I do…and for that I shall forever be grateful."

I grinned. "Stop, you'll make me blush."

She smirked then. "Oh, I suspect it'll take a lot more than that to make _you_ blush. Come on, let's go spend the Illusive Man's money."

* * *

><p><em><strong>EIGHTH ENTRY: 21 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I wanted to check on Miranda after the not-so-little scene with Jack following our visit to the Pragia facility.

I leaned against her doorway casually. "You haven't had any return visits from Jack, have you?"

She pushed back from her desk. "Thankfully, no." She looked over at me and shook her head ruefully. "That is one crazy bitch."

I chuckled. "Yes, yes she is." Then I grew more serious. "I can't excuse the things she does…but that facility…she didn't exactly get a healthy start to life."

She stood up and went to look out her window. "It wasn't Cerberus, you know. Not really."

I sighed. So we were going to do this again… "I'll grant you, records at the facility indicated that the Illusive Man was not informed of the most egregious experiments they were performing. But he set the table for it – he created the facility, he hired those guys, and he told them to get results or else. That's the way it _always_ is with him, Miranda. In every specific instance, he has an excuse – oh, he didn't know what all they were doing, oh, he never authorized that, blah, blah. But when it's _every single_ facility, _every single_ experiment… Either he's the most lazy, inattentive boss in the world or, much more likely, he _is_ responsible."

I could see the tension rising in her body. "You don't understand, Shepard. He's trying to make a difference, trying to find ways to protect and grow humanity." She spun around. "Are there risks? Yes. Does it sometimes go wrong? Yes! But at least he's trying!" Her eyes narrowed at me.

I took the opportunity. "Well at least we're finally discarding that _lame-ass_ company line that he's ignorant of his servants' misdeeds…"

She exploded. "Do you have _any_ idea the amount of research that went into developing the technology that allowed us to bring you back to life? Do you think you would be _alive_ if Cerberus hadn't pushed the limits of what could be done?"

I closed my eyes. Morality battled with self-interest, egotism even. How much _was_ my life worth, really?

I opened my eyes and walked up to stand beside her. I was quiet for a moment, staring at the stars speeding by. _My home is…out there…the entire galaxy._ "Miranda, my life is unbelievably precious to me. And I _am_ grateful – really, really grateful – to Cerberus, to _you_, for giving it back to me. Yet still I risk it every day when I go out there and try to save people, try to protect them from those that would do them harm. The day I graduated from the Academy, I accepted the obligation to give my life if necessary to protect others."

I took a deep breath. "How can I celebrate having my life if it means that people had to die to make it happen? I've seen too many people suffer at the hands of Cerberus experiments – too many to justify."

She grumbled in frustration. "But Shepard, that's just it – you are worth all those lives! You are a singular individual that has the power to move the very _galaxy_. Your actions have already saved _trillions_ – how many _more_ will you save by living? The simple, hard truth is, some lives _do_ matter more than others. And yours matters more than most."

My voice was quiet. "That may be. But that doesn't mean I can countenance the deliberate and willful torture and killing of others. Not under any circumstances – but certainly not for me."

She notched her chin up a bit. "Cerberus doesn't do that."

I looked directly at her. "_Yes_, they _do_. Do I need to start naming them? We could start with sacrificing an entire unit of marines to thresher maws then experimenting on those that survived; and if that wasn't enough, doing it _again_ three years ago – then murdering an Admiral to cover it up. We could then move on to turning an entire colony of unwitting humans into mindless husks because Cerberus wanted to play with technology they didn't understand. Next up might be – "

She held up a hand in defeat., head dropped low. "Okay, okay…just…stop."

I tempered my voice a bit – but only a bit. "It's time to stop drinking the Kool-Aid, Miranda. You're _better_ than them."

She sighed and started pacing. "But that's just it – as ostensibly perfect as I appear to be, I'm _not_ better than them. I'm not _like_ you, Shepard. I don't have what you have…that _fire_ that makes someone willing to follow you into Hell itself – and somehow follow you out the other side unscathed. I…I can never be that."

I grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face me. "That doesn't mean you can't be _remarkable_."

She shook her head. "With Cerberus, I can have a purpose…"

_"Without_ Cerberus, you can have a purpose. Whatever you want it to be."

She nodded faintly. After a minute she looked up in puzzlement, eyes narrowed. "What does that mean, anyway? 'Drinking the Kool-Aid'? People say it all the time, but what the hell is 'Kool-Aid'?"

I looked at her dead-pan. "It was a fruit drink popular with kids in the second-half of the 20th century. Some religious wacko convinced all his followers to commit suicide by drinking Kool-Aid laced with cyanide. It was quite the scandal at the time."

She thought about it a minute, frowned, then glanced back at me. "That's…disconcerting."

I smiled innocently. Let the implication dance around in her brain for a while.

She seemed deep in thought for a moment, but then suddenly looked over at me incredulously. "_How_ do you know that?"

I grinned. "I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager, he was obsessed with that era. He loved everything about it – the vids, the music, the odd historical footnotes. I learned a shocking number of utterly useless factoids while waiting impatiently for him to kiss me."

She chuckled heartily. "That's just…sure, why not." Then a pensive look returned to her face. She took a deep breath and grew serious. "I'll think about what you said, Shepard. I will."

... ... ...

Later in the afternoon I received a message from Oriana. It was sweet, witty, and intelligent. To be honest, it made me a little sad. Oriana is Miranda as she could have been…if only her father, if only Cerberus, hadn't fucked with her head so very badly.

* * *

><p><em><strong>NINTH ENTRY: 18 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I was going for a late night run – on the treadmill, obviously – when Miranda appeared in front of me, looking rather discomfited. I slowed the treadmill to a stop, pulled the headphones to my neck, took a long sip of water, and grabbed the towel.

"What do you need, Miranda?"

"I hate to ask this, Shepard – I really do. I know how you feel about Cerberus and their projects…"

I looked over my shoulder at her in disbelief. "Let me guess – one of the Illusive Man's little pet projects went boom and he wants _me_ to clean it up."

She started to reply, stopped, then started again. "In a word – yes. I'm sorry Shepard, but this really is very important. We have a facility that has been researching Geth – how they communicate, how their consciousness functions. It's dropped off the grid – but not before sending a garbled message reporting a catastrophic security failure."

I groaned. "Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me! The Geth revolted against their jailers, did they? That's just great…"

She swallowed. "I'm afraid it might be worse than that. At Project Overlord, they were trying to create a human interface with the Geth, through a VI connection."

I stepped off the treadmill, toweling off the sweat on my neck. "Project _Overlord_? What the hell _is_ it with you people? I – you know what, never mind. I'm not even going to ask." I turned back to her. "I'm sorry, Miranda, but I'm not cleaning up any more of Cerberus' mistakes. Tell him to send someone else."

She hung her head. "Shepard…please. This is…it's a real threat. I'm sorry to say it, but if what they were doing got out…we need to stop it."

I sighed dramatically and leaned against the wall. "Goddamn it, Miranda. This is the last time, do you understand? The _last_ _time_."

She nodded. "I know. Thank you."

* * *

><p><em><strong>TENTH ENTRY: 17 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

Project Overlord was more, and worse, than even I could have imagined. And after it was over, I…I don't know. Perhaps it's best if I just record the events as they occurred, and figure out the rest…later. If I can.

... ... ...

The shuttle landed outside the headquarters for "Project Overlord." But the headquarters were destroyed. Charred walls, broken glass, blood spattered everywhere. Mostly though, there were bodies. Thrown carelessly around as only Geth seemed capable of doing.

The seemingly only person alive soon contacted us over the comm system, _instructing_ us to retract the transmission satellite before the "rogue VI" could transmit its code to the galactic extranet.

As we wound our way through the eerily silent offices and labs, we came upon a log recording by, coincidentally enough, the same man: _"Inform the Illusive Man that we've made great strides in our research. His doubts about lack of progress are unwarranted, and a demonstration is forthcoming."_

I turned and raised an eyebrow at Miranda, but she quickly looked away.

Oh yes, I most _definitely_ brought Miranda on this mission. Not to be cruel, though. I brought her because I knew that she was _so close_. She was so close to breaking free from the chains that bound her, and if there was the slightest chance that today could push her over the line, from servant of a madman to independent woman, I wanted to make that happen.

Retracting the satellite neither fixed the problem with the VI nor magically forced Miranda to see that the Insufferable Man was evil incarnate. Nothing is ever easy.

And some things are hard.

Retracting the satellite alerted the "rogue VI" to our presence; from then on, every time we touched something a screen lit up with face-shaped pixels, screaming in rage – or agony. After about the fourth time I looked over at Miranda suspiciously. "What the _fuck_ were they doing here, Miranda?"

She shook her head slowly, staring at the pixel-face. "I don't know…"

We _climbed_ the satellite, brought down its support struts – and brought down the satellite on top of ourselves. In retrospect, perhaps not the best planning on my part…

But we lived. Obviously. Only then did our "guide" emerge from his hiding place. I glared at him with contempt, arms crossed. "What the _hell_ is going on around here?"

He looked up at the fallen satellite. "Man's reach exceeding his grasp… Come on, I'll explain."

Short version, as presented at the time: They were trying to influence the Geth by interfacing a human with a VI that could talk to the Geth. Dr. Archer's brother David…volunteered…but his mind couldn't handle the interface, and he/it was now running wild through the system and trying to get off-world.

I sighed dramatically. "Okay. What's the worst-case scenario?"

His voice was firm. "A technological apocalypse – every machine, every computer taken over and turned against us."

"And you couldn't have considered that _before_ you started this horror show?"

He flared. "Sometimes you have to ignore the risks! If we were able to control the Geth – we could avoid war with them altogether, a victory without casualties! Don't you see what we were trying to accomplish?"

I could see Miranda watching, listening, out of the corner of my eye. "And now everyone is dead. Congratulations. This was definitely a Cerberus project, no doubt about that."

But it wasn't over. If it had been over then, it would have been easy.

We flew all over the base – and quite an elaborate, expansive base it was, complete with waterfalls and friggin lava flows – removing safeguards so we could shut the damn thing down for good.

Once we got to the primary station where the VI was located, we began to learn just how fucked up this whole thing was. Turns out David was autistic…"volunteered" my ass. His brother _used_ him. And just for confirmation of that, we came across a log entry by Dr. Archer: _"I have no choice. I'm going to tap David directly into the Geth neural network and see if he can communicate with them. The damage should be negligible…he may even enjoy it."_

"Fucking _bastard_." I looked over at Miranda, mildly surprised that she would vocally express such an opinion…and with such emotion.

"What? He is."

I certainly couldn't disagree.

We reached the main control room containing the breaker to shut down access to the outside world. I regarded it curiously for a moment, then nodded decisively. "Get ready. Don't be surprised if this button summons a Reaper."

What it summoned was something else entirely…

I've taken a rather irreverent tone in this entry so far, I realize. I _was_ irreverent at the time. But no longer. I'll…just tell the story.

My finger hadn't left the button when _something_ started crawling up my finger, my hand, my arm. It was _inside my skin_. It felt like millions of electric pulses – but not like the tingle of biotics. Then suddenly, it was in my _mind_. Twitching, pulsing. For a moment, everything went black and I fell to the floor. When I opened my eyes again, the world was changed. Everything – and I do mean _everything_ – was electricity, a perfect grid of light and power, pulses racing along its intricate patterns.

Later, Miranda told me that my eyes had glowed green, the green of the pixel-face we had seen all day. I stumbled back through the door; it closed and locked behind me, shutting Miranda and Garrus inside.

It was a strange thing. Once I came to some level of terms with every inch of my skin – my brain – itching, vibrating, I was…okay. I could think clearly, rationally, calmly. I could also think _more_. I watched the pulses racing across the grid, and I swear I could understand them. I can't now recall what they meant, but at the time, I knew.

I could _almost_ hear David – or whatever David had become – in my mind, guiding me to him. He showed me his story – showed me his naïve, child-like vulnerability – showed me what his brother had done to him. I don't know if it was just placed into my mind, or truly projected in front of me as it appeared, but I saw it all.

His story ended with a scream. The scream that had been echoed across the screens all day was suddenly, horrifyingly, understandable.

"Make it stop! Please, make it stttttooooppppp!"

Then I found David. He was suspended in the air, engulfed in a pulsating mass of energy and power. Once the energy and power were removed, he was just…

It was the most horrifying, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking thing I had ever seen. The grid faded away, the electric pulses vanished, the itching ceased…but I didn't notice. I just looked at him, head tilted, sympathy and compassion washing over me.

Sympathy and compassion that was quickly channeled into rage when Dr. Archer ran in the room, followed quickly by Miranda and Garrus. The two of them skidded to a stop at the horror before them; Dr. Archer was presumably unsurprised by the sight and kept running until he reached me.

"Wait, let me explain, don't do anything rash!"

I spun on him. "_Rash?_ Like forcing your own brother, helpless, into this…this _hell_?"

"I had no choice! The Illusive Man doesn't broker failure – I was tasked with finding a way to avoid war with the Geth, any way I could."

I stared at him in disgust, even as I noticed Miranda, several feet behind him, _cringe_. My rage focused a bit as it took on a dual purpose. "And how many have died in that pursuit?"

He dropped his head. "More souls than will ever forgive me. But I won't apologize for trying! If my work spared a million mothers mourning the loss of a million sons, my conscience would have rested easy."

I grabbed his shoulders and wrenched him around to face David. "_Look_ at him!"

"I…he…the damage may not be permanent, he might…"

David whispered from above them, voice cracking from disuse. "Quiet…please…make it stop…"

I glared at Dr. Archer. "I've seen enough of what you've done to know that it will never end as long as he is with you."

"No, you don't understand!" He pulled his gun and _shot_ at me. As if. It bounced off my shields; I pulled my gun and shoved it against his nose, stared at him a second, then slapped the gun across his face, breaking his nose.

"You even _think_ about coming after your brother and this bullet will be yours. Now get out of my sight."

I looked over at Miranda and Garrus. "Help me get him down."

Miranda shook her head to clear the trance and came over to me. "Shepard, you…are you _okay_?"

I nodded brusquely. "We'll talk about it later. Right now we have to help David. Then I have to talk to your boss."

... ... ...

I exited the shuttle and went directly upstairs. "Miss Chambers, please call the Illusive Man and route it to the Comm Room."

"Call…_call_ the Illusive Man? But he calls _us_ when – "

"Just call him, Miss Chambers."

"Of course, Commander."

His image shimmered into existence in front of me a few minutes later. "Shepard, I understand you're taking Dr. Archer's brother to Grissom Academy; we'll likely never find another individual with David's unique talent– "

"You are one _cold_ s.o.b., you know that?"

"I have to be, Shepard. Someone has to make the difficult decisions."

"God help us all if it's _you_. Do you realize that little experiment could have _destroyed_ the galaxy? Who needs the Reapers when we have Cerberus!"

He stared at me, eyes narrowed. "Is there a purpose to this conversation, Shepard?"

I smirked. "Nope. Just wanted to yell at you. Thanks – I feel much better now." I cut the link and walked out.

... ... ...

I was sitting cross-legged on the bed, eyes closed, trying to work my head around what had happened, when Miranda came by. I didn't get up, but just motioned her to the couch.

She sat down, watching me. "Shepard – "

I looked over at her, I suspect a look of mild panic on my face. "Miranda, what _happened_ to me? What did you _do_ to me that let this happen?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. I…why don't you tell me what you think happened to you?"

I relayed what had transpired, what it had felt like, what it had _seemed_ like. At the end she just shook her head softly.

"It must have been some ability the VI…David…had to interface with cybernetic implants. You said it started while you were touching the panel; that has to be how it got in."

I blinked. "Got _in_? Miranda, he _hacked_ me! I mean, I felt like I was in control, I was myself, but…what if I _wasn't_? Is _any_ AI going to be able to do that to me? Are the Geth going to be able to do that to me? Are the Reapers?" My voice had taken on a high-pitched, desperate tone.

She got up and came over to the bed, sitting on the edge. "Truthfully? I don't know. I don't _think_ so, but… Shepard, I swear, I can't think of anything we did while rebuilding you that would make you vulnerable to such an attack. I'm not a doctor, nor am I a scientist, but I oversaw _everything_. I don't think he could have slipped anything past me."

I looked over at her. "He?"

She smiled grimly. "The Illusive Man, of course. If something _was_ done to you, it would have been at his direction. If he did…Shepard, I'm _sorry_."

I smiled bravely at her. "I know. And I believe you."

She nodded. "Did you ask him, when you talked to him?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. He never would have told me the truth, and then he would have known that I was vulnerable." I gazed back at her. "Miranda, can you…can you keep what happened out of your report?"

She looked down at the bedcovers. "That would be disobeying my directives, I…" She was quiet for a moment, then looked back up at me and nodded. "Yes. I can do that."

I reached over impulsively and hugged her. "Thank you," I whispered.

She didn't seem to know how to respond to the hug; her hands awkwardly patted my back. I wondered idly…surely she had been _hugged_ before? Even if only in passion…

I mercifully let go and leaned back. "I'm sure you're right. I'm sure the Geth/VI/David hybrid had just developed the skill to hack implants – and we were in his lair. I'm sure it's nothing more…sinister. Now, I am exhausted. I'm going to try to get some sleep; you should do the same."

But as I watched her walk out the door…I wasn't sure at all.

* * *

><p><em><strong>ELEVENTH ENTRY: 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay<strong>_

I dismissed everyone and walked out of the Comm Room. Miranda caught up with me on the way out. "Shepard…can I speak with you in private?"

"Of course, come on upstairs."

We had just returned from the Collector ship. From an experience too overwhelming, too disturbing to describe right now. I'll process it all later. The pertinent point right now was that the Illusive Man had set us up; sent us in there blind, exposed, walking straight into a trap. If I was anyone less than Commanding Fucking Shepard, _and_ if I had anything less than EDI helping me, _and_ if I had any less of a pilot than Joker with which to escape – we would all be dead.

I walked into my quarters, Miranda behind me, and went straight to the cabinet and opened a bottle of wine. I glanced over at her. "Care to join me?"

"God, yes."

I laughed, poured two glasses, and handed one to her while she paced back and forth in front of the fish. They did not speed up their idle course to match her frenzied pace.

"Shepard, he could have gotten us killed today."

I took a sip and regarded her curiously. "Today wasn't the first time he could have gotten us killed."

She shook her head. "I know, it's just…he _really_ could have gotten us killed today. Why didn't he tell us beforehand what was going on? We could have handled it. I would have agreed it was an appropriate course of action." She stopped and looked over at me. "Why couldn't he trust me with that?"

"I think you already know the answer to that question, Miranda."

She turned away and resumed pacing, albeit a bit more slowly. "I…I've given him everything; my entire life. I've never questioned his orders, nor his motives. I've done what I was told. For the greater cause, and…because I felt I owed him."

Abruptly she went over and sat down on the couch, put her glass on the table, and dropped her elbows to her legs. "But if I had died today, I would have been just another acceptable loss, wouldn't I?"

I sat down on the other portion of the couch, where I could look at her. "Yes. Miranda, he feeds your ego when he deems it advantageous, but he doesn't care about you. I doubt he cares about anyone or anything – except power." I put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't feel bad; he's a master manipulator."

She glanced over at me. "He can't manipulate you."

I smiled a bit. "Well, I had the advantage of distrusting him before I ever even met him. But in truth, I'm not sure he doesn't."

She shook her head roughly and quickly stood up, back to pacing. "Cerberus is all I've ever known, since I was a teenager. They've trained me, taught me, given me everything." She stopped and gazed at me, a look of defeat on her face. "What would I be if I wasn't with them?"

I slowly smiled. "You'd be _free_."

She stared back for a moment, and almost smiled. But then her face clouded over. "No. He'd come after me. I hate to admit it, but he'd come after me." She stopped again. "Just like he'll come after you." She paused. "You're going to run, aren't you? After this is over?"

I looked away and was silent.

"I understand. You don't think you can trust me. I don't blame you, I wouldn't trust me either." She came back and sat down next to me, grasped my hands. "But I won't betray you, Shepard. I promise you that."

I smiled over at her and nodded, then stood up and went to gaze at the fish. The fish had a good life. That is, as long as someone – apparently me – remembered to feed them. Shouldn't _someone_ on this ship be responsible for making sure I didn't kill my fish? If Miranda could task someone to watch and wait for me to go into epileptic convulsions while shaving my legs, _surely_ she could task someone to come push the 'food' button periodically. Kelly Chambers could probably do it…if I ever in a million years allowed her in my quarters, that is.

Nope, it appeared it was up to me to keep my fish alive. Well, I probably owed them that much anyway, after the company they had provided me in my weakest moments.

"Not run…just return to my old life, if I can find it." I turned back to her. "I'm a marine, Miranda. Not a terrorist. I accept that all _this_" – I motioned around the room – "is necessary for now; I accept that this is the only way available to me to stop the Collectors. But it isn't my life."

She nodded. "He won't let you go without a fight, you know."

"I know; but I always did like a good fight."

I regarded her speculatively. "You can come with me, you know."

She sighed and took a long sip of wine. "Thank you, Shepard. I…don't know what I'm going to do. I have a lot of thinking yet to do. But…whatever happens, thank you for opening my eyes, and…thank you for believing in me, even when I gave you every reason not to."

She stood up to go, then stopped on the stairs and turned around. "You truly are a remarkable person, Shepard; I am so _very_ glad I brought you back to life."

I grinned. "So am I."

She stepped off the stair, reached over, and hugged me. Clumsily, awkwardly, embarrassingly… _hugged_ me.

I was rendered speechless by the tenderness of the act. I squeezed her tightly for a moment then stepped back and smiled.

She nodded formally, spun around, and practically ran for the door. As it closed behind her I whispered to myself.

"_So am I."_


	40. Enemy

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 40 **

"**Enemy"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>2 months, 22 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 13 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

_She pulled the sweater more tightly around her as the sun set and the wind grew chilly. Still, she didn't mind the cold. She smiled to herself as she watched the rapidly darkening waters, the foam of the cresting waves glowing white in the rising moonlight._

_The gentle strains of soft jazz wafting through the open window broke her reverie. She grinned and stood up as Kaidan stepped through the door. He offered her a hand and pulled her slowly but deliberately inside._

_While she had been contemplating the sunset, the lights had been dimmed, candles lit. _

_She dipped her head slightly in appreciation. "Sneaky…"_

_He smiled the slightest bit, but his eyes were serious. "Dance with me?"_

_She gazed at him, eyes sparkling in the candlelight. "Absolute–"_

"– to disturb you. You have an urgent incoming call from the Illusive Man."

Shepard slowly opened one eye and glared through the fog of sleep and dreams at the hazy blue orb in the distance. "What?"

"The Illusive Man is waiting in the Comm Room. He says it is urgent."

She groaned and rolled over face-first into the pillow. "How urgent?"

"I'm sorry, Commander?"

She lifted her head off the pillow a few inches. "_How_ urgent?"

"Extremely. He says time is of the absolute essence."

She dropped her face back into the pillow for a few glorious seconds and then pushed up onto her knees. "Okay. I'll be down in five minutes."

She glanced at the clock on the way out of the bed. _4:47_. What time had she finally fallen asleep last night…1 am? 1:30? Didn't really matter _now_, did it? She splashed cold water on her face, pulled on some proper clothes, and headed for the Comm Room.

In the elevator she closed her eyes, took several slow, deep breaths, and donned the mental armor and weaponry required for interactions with the Illusive Man.

He started talking as soon as she stepped into the holographic field. "Shepard. I intercepted a distress call from a Turian patrol ship – they stumbled onto a Collector vessel. They were able to cripple it, though they took heavy damage in the process. You need to get aboard that ship and find us a way to get to their homeworld."

She narrowed her eyes at him. Even at this early hour she wasn't _dumb_. "How could a Turian patrol take out a Collector ship?"

He shook his head. "They didn't take it out, they merely crippled it; electronic systems and shields seem to be offline, but the hull is still intact. I'm not saying this won't be dangerous, but we can't let an opportunity like this slip by!"

She nodded absently, already planning, strategizing in her head. "Won't we bump into the Turians while we're there?"

He took a drag on his ever-present cigarette. "I said I _intercepted_ the transmissions. I'm feeding the Turians false reports for the time being. You're close enough, you can be in and out before the Turians learn the truth."

She frowned. "What about the damaged Turian patrol? Don't they need assistance?"

He shook his head. "The reports indicate they are adrift but otherwise safe, with minimal injuries. They'll be fine for now. Please, Shepard. We may not get another chance like this."

She nodded decisively. "Okay. On the way." As she turned to walk back to the Command Center the image of the Illusive Man shimmered out of existence, the smug look on his face – to anyone who may have looked – seeming to remain until the last pixel faded.

"EDI, how long till we reach the Collector ship?"

"We will enter orbit in approximately 4.42 hours, Commander."

"Let Miranda and Garrus know to be suited up then. But EDI – give them another hour to sleep first."

"Of course, Commander."

She grabbed a cup of coffee then went back to her quarters to start what was sure to be one long, _long_ day.

As she headed to the shower she spared a wistful glance back at the bed. She would give anything to be able to just crawl back in it and return to the dream. To the memory.

But it was not to be. Not today.

... ... ...

Shepard leaned over Joker's chair, staring out the viewports as they approached the Collector vessel. "Damn, that's one _big_ ship."

"You're telling me," Joker muttered as his hands flew over the virtual control panel.

She turned to head down to the shuttle when EDI stopped her. "Shepard, I have compared this ship's EM profile to known parameters – it is the same vessel that attacked the Horizon colony."

She turned back around and eyed the ship through the viewport again. "Hmm. Maybe that's why the Turians were able to disable it; the GARDIAN lasers would have caused some damage that may not be fully repaired yet."

"That is a logical conclusion. However, I cannot yet determine the full nature of the damage to the Collector vessel."

She nodded. "Okay, EDI. Get ready, you're going to be busy the next few hours."

"I am always ready, Commander."

She shook her head and grinned as she headed to the shuttle. EDI was nothing if not…amusing. Occasionally confounding. She couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Joker though, having to keep up with an AI, hour after hour, day after day. No wonder he was always so damn cranky these days. Though, actually, now that she thought about it he'd _always_ been cranky… Never mind.

Garrus and Miranda were already in the shuttle when she arrived. She stuck her head through to the cockpit. "Okay, let's go."

She sat down and strapped in across from them. "Alright, here's the deal. This is the same ship that hit Horizon, so it is possible that the kidnapped colonists are aboard; maybe, just _maybe,_ even alive. Our first priority…" She looked at the floor. "Our first priority has to be to find information about getting through the Omega 4 Relay. In the long run many more people will be saved with that information." She looked back up. "But a very close second is saving anyone and everyone we can."

They stepped off the shuttle into one of the most alien environments she had ever encountered. The interior of the ship was an amalgamation of hard, reflective metals and twisting, gnarled organic materials. Several dozen yards in, the ceiling opened up to reveal cavernous chambers.

And lining the ceiling in every direction were pods – identical to the ones on Horizon.

Miranda slowed to a stop, staring upwards. "There are so _many_…how many of them do you think are full?"

"Too many," Shepard whispered. She looked up again. "_How_ are we going to get them out of there?"

EDI came over the comm. "Shepard, I detect no life signs. It is likely the inhabitants of the pods were killed when the ship lost primary power. I am sorry."

She dropped her head; her shoulders slumped. "_Goddamn_ _it_."

She took a deep breath then stood up straight. "Alright. Let's get what we came here for."

For what seemed like miles, the ship was deserted, eerily silent. There weren't even any dead Collectors. There _were_ dead humans, piled here and there, for reasons beyond contemplation.

Finally they came upon an area that resembled a research laboratory. Laid out on a table, hooked up to wires and tubes, was a dead Collector.

Garrus stared at it, frowning. "Why were they experimenting on one of their own?"

"EDI, I'm hooking you in; see if you can figure out what they were up to."

She – _it_ – responded quickly. "The Collectors were running baseline genetic comparisons between their species and humanity. They reveal something remarkable – a quad DNA structure. Shepard, only one race is known to have this structure. The Protheans."

Miranda gasped, "What?"

Garrus stuttered, "But…"

Shepard's understanding of the past – and of her enemy – turned upside down. "My _god_. The Protheans didn't vanish…they went to work for the Reapers…"

EDI responded. "These are no longer Protheans, Shepard. Their genes show extensive rewriting. The Reapers have likely repurposed them to suit their needs."

She gazed at the dead Collector in sadness. She thought about Vigil and his tragic, heroic tale of the Protheans' desperate attempts to save themselves – and if they couldn't save themselves, to save those that would come after. She was glad that at least they never knew what terrible fate would befall the remnants of their species.

She finally looked away and to the intricate equipment surrounding them. "They were running genetic comparisons with humans to see how easy it would be to do the same thing to us."

Miranda stepped back unevenly. "They can't…"

She shook her head. "Don't worry. We will never let that happen. Let's find what we need and get the hell out of here."

They were moving up a long ramp towards a new section of the ship when Joker came on the comm. "Commander, you've got to hear this – on a hunch I asked EDI to run a comparison on this ship…"

"Shepard, I compared the EM profile with data recorded from the attack on the original Normandy two years ago. They are an exact match."

She stopped short. "_What?_ Are you telling me _this_ is the ship that destroyed the Normandy?"

"This is correct, Commander."

She blinked, and suddenly she was _suffocating, adrift in space, watching her beloved ship disintegrate in fire_.

She staggered; out of nowhere Garrus was at her side, his hand steadying her arm. "You okay?"

She shook her head roughly and blinked a few times, drawing deep breaths. "Yeah…" She smiled over at him. "Thanks." He nodded and moved away.

She touched her comm. "Thanks for thinking of that, Joker. No _way_ is this coincidence…I just wish I knew what it meant."

They crested the ramp to stand before a chamber that utterly dwarfed everything they had seen up until now. The ceiling was hundreds of feet above them; the opposite wall even further away. And covering every inch were pods.

Miranda looked around in horror. "They could take every human in the Terminus Systems and not have enough to fill all these pods…"

Garrus glanced over at her. "They're going to target Earth."

…_The Prothean vision washed over her. Blood. Death. Devastation. Ruin. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Only now, they swarmed over Earth – the Eiffel Tower crashed to the ground, swatted by a Reaper as nothing more than a fly…London Bridge crumbled and disappeared into the water, crashed through by a smaller, faster Reaper…bodies were thrown like ragdolls upon the Great Wall of China, for endless miles…the New York City skyline grew dark as an army of Reapers descended…a nameless street in a nameless city lay empty, save for the blood…_

She shook her head slowly and gazed up at the ceiling covered in pods, ice in her eyes.

"Not if we kill them all first."

She nodded tersely and motioned ahead. They moved forward across the impossibly vast cavern, their footsteps echoing back to them. Eventually they found a passageway off to the side that led to what might be described as an engineering room.

She stepped up to the control panels, eyes scanning. "EDI, I'm setting up a datalink; there's _got_ to be information we need here."

They started to look around while EDI began a datamine – but only a few seconds had passed when suddenly the panels flickered and the floor shifted dangerously.

"Joker…what just happened?"

"We, uh, went black here for a second, but we're good now…I think – "

EDI interrupted him. "There was a power surge through the connection. But Shepard, it was not a malfunction; it was deliberate. This was a trap."

She closed her eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. _Of course it was a trap_. But there was no time for righteous indignation or ineffectual rage. She breathed out slow and steady, preparing for the inevitable. She opened her eyes.

The floor under their feet cracked apart and started moving. Garrus was on the other side of one of the cracks, he leapt and slid onto the section holding her and Miranda. They grabbed onto whatever they could as the floor lifted up unevenly.

"EDI, need a little help here!"

"I am having trouble maintaining connectivity. There is someone else in the system."

"Oh, that's just _great_."

At that moment, Collectors swarmed in from all directions.

"And this is _even better._"

The only good thing that could be said was that the multi-leveled platform provided some measure of cover, whatever direction the Collectors were coming from. Not from all directions at once, of course…

The waves of Collectors seemed never-ending. It was brutal. In the space of a few minutes sweat was running in rivulets down her face; she could hear Garrus gasping for breath behind her.

He glanced over at her during a brief pause in the waves. "Shepard, you remember when you asked me to come with you, and I said 'should be fun'?"

She glanced over the low wall to see more Collectors in the distance, then looked back at him and nodded.

"It isn't."

She burst out laughing. "I know, Garrus. I know. We live through this, I'll send you on whatever vacation you want, all expenses paid."

He stared at her. "Promise?"

"Promise."

He nodded, took a deep breath, then stood up, gun already firing. She did the same.

"Come on EDI, speed it up, we need a way out of here!"

Her always _even_ voice replied. "I am simultaneously fighting Collector firewalls in over 8,000 nodes; I am tasked to capacity."

Shepard groaned. "Don't let me distract you then."

She moved to the opposite cover and _threw_ another three Collectors off their mid-air platform. "Miranda, behind you!"

Miranda didn't acknowledge it; she just vaulted the low wall and slid down, before turning around and _slamming_ the Collectors behind her against the floor.

"I have regained control of the platform, Shepard."

"I love you, EDI."

"I appreciate that, Commander. However, I must inform you that I am not programmed to – "

"Just get us out of here, and we can talk about the logistics back on the ship."

"Very well, Commander. I am directing the platform to the nearest exit route and uploading new pick-up coordinates to your Omni-tool."

She sunk down against the wall in exhausted relief as the platform accelerated away from the incoming Collectors.

"Commander, I have found information regarding the Omega 4 Relay that I believe will aid in our mission. I have also found the Turian distress call that served as the lure for this trap. It is unusual."

She raised an eyebrow to the empty space. "Unusual how?"

"The encryption protocols were corrupted. I detected it using Cerberus data protocols – the Illusive Man wrote those protocols. Shepard, it is not possible that the Illusive Man would have believed the distress call was genuine."

She dropped her head back against the wall. "That son of a _fucking_ bitch…"

Garrus grumbled across from her. "And I thought I'd already had my betrayal and attempted murder for the year…"

As they neared a solid pathway and the platform slowed, Miranda stood up and started pacing unevenly. "There has to be another explanation. Why would he betray us?"

Shepard glanced over at her as she stood up, venom in her voice. "I'll be sure and ask him when – "

Joker interrupted her. "Uh, Commander, we have another problem – the ship is powering up."

"EDI…"

"I will do what I can, Shepard."

The platform slammed into the floor. They ran.

Collectors poured out of every hallway, flew in from _wherever_. She and her team were all drained from the lengthy fighting on the platform – but running for your life will draw on vast stores of normally untapped reserves. A recording of the three of them running and fighting, shooting and flinging out biotics as bug-like monsters flew around them, would surely make for a bestselling entertainment vid or a stellar military recruitment film. Alas, no one would ever see it.

Joker came over the comm as they ran, his voice low and tense. "Commander, you _might_ want to double-time it before they blow the Normandy in half – _again_."

"Oh, in _that_ case, I'll run a little faster than I can actually run…" she grumbled breathlessly.

"Yeah…" He _knew_ she could run like the wind.

They rounded the corner, almost to the shuttle, and ran straight into…_Husks_.

"Oh, for _fucks_ sake!" She breathed in deeply, flung a _shockwave_ through them all, and they ran straight through the middle.

Onto the shuttle.

Onto the Normandy.

She shouted into her comm as the bay door closed. "We're onboard – go!"

The ship lurched and accelerated as she dropped her head against the shuttle seat and closed her eyes.

... ... ...

"Shepard. Looks like EDI extracted some valuable data before the – "

"You fucking traitorous _son of a bitch_. You knew it was a trap, and you sent us right into the Collectors' claws to die."

"Without the data on that ship, we don't get through the Omega 4 Relay. Yes, it was a trap, but I was confident in your abilities and those of your team. We're at war, Shepard, and – "

She leaned hard against the edge of the conference table. "I _know_ the stakes! Better than _anyone_. Thing is…we're supposed to be on the same side, but I _can't trust you_. Of course, I always knew I couldn't but now everyone _else_ knows too."

"Don't be so quick to judge, Shepard. If I had told you the plan ahead of time, you could have tipped them off in any number of ways. I wouldn't have sent you in if I didn't think you could succeed."

She stared at him incredulously. "Could have _tipped them off_? How, _exactly_, could I have…_goddamn_ you. Your slick tongue won't work on me; might as well stop trying." She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him. "You know, you keep telling me I'm important, but you _sure_ try hard to get me killed."

"I'm sorry you see it that way, Shepard. I only do what I must to see that we win this war. And in this case, the risk paid off. EDI has determined that the Collectors use a friend-or-foe system to travel through the Omega 4 Relay. All we need to do is get our hands on one of those IFFs – "

She groaned. "I'm pretty sure I left one on the floor back there on the FUCKING COLLECTOR SHIP!"

He scolded her as if she were a child. "Shepard, _as I said_, EDI just found this information. Besides, you wouldn't have had time to retrieve the IFF and escape."

She glared at him. "Gosh, I wonder why we would have needed to hurry and escape?"

He ignored her. "Regardless, we have options. A research team has discovered that a crater on the brown dwarf Mnemosyne in the Hawking Eta is actually an impact crater from a very old weapon. Specifically, a Reaper weapon. We traced the trajectory of the weapon and discovered a thirty-seven million old derelict Reaper."

She was unmoved. "Great. Send the IFF here."

"Yes…unfortunately, we've lost contact with our research team. No information as to the cause."

"Well _there's_ a shocker. Sure you didn't lead them into a trap and forget about it?"

"Shepard, your attitude grows tiresome. The fate of humanity is at stake; I suggest you take this seriously."

"And your _deceit_ grows tiresome. You have no idea _just_ how seriously I take this. You betray me again, you neglect to tell me _any_ pertinent facts again, and I walk. I'll find another way. I'd walk today, except that we might _actually_ be close to pulling this off. So send the coordinates and we'll go recover the bodies of yet another of your massacred research teams, and we'll grab an IFF while we're there. " She paused, and the smallest smirk pulled at her lips. "We have another stop to make first though."

She cut the link.

"EDI, ask everyone to come in here, please."

A few minutes later she regarded her team of thieves, killers and brigands. Good people, nonetheless. Well, except possibly Jack…and Zaeed…and…never mind. _Talented_ people. That would suffice.

"So, you might have heard by now that the Collector ship was a trap – and that the Illusive Man knew it to be so. Now, he has _assured_ me that he didn't _tell_ us it was a trap for the good of the mission, and he had absolute confidence in our abilities to escape unscathed."

Jacob smirked. "So you're saying the Illusive Man _didn't_ sell us out? Cause…could've fooled me."

"I honestly have no idea whether he sold us out or is just remarkably stupid. Doesn't really matter. We're near the end here, and we'll get it done with or without him."

Mordin paced. "Lied to us. Used us. Needed access to the Collector data banks. Necessary risk."

She looked at him. "No, Mordin, it _wasn't_ a necessary risk. I would have gone on that ship, knowing it was trap, to get the information we needed to stop them…though I probably would have moved a little faster."

She sighed then looked up – it was an easy habit to get into when your ship talked to you from thin air. "EDI, tell us about this IFF."

"My analysis has determined that a valid IFF should allow us to pass through the Omega 4 Relay successfully. However…based on data from the Collector ship files, I have also determined the approximate location of the Collector homeworld, and thus the likely end point of the Omega 4 Relay."

A hologram of the galaxy flickered to life above the table. Near the center, but distinct from the bright core, a red dot blinked.

A moment of stunned silence was broken by a variety of gasps and mutterings from those gathered around the table. "Impossible!" "No way!" "Shit!" "Figures…"

She glanced over at Jack, the source of the last one, and smirked the slightest bit, then looked up again.

"EDI, you _do_ know where that red dot is, right?"

"Yes, Shepard. My calculations are correct. The Collector homeworld is located in the galactic core."

Mordin was rapidly nodding and pacing. "Perhaps a powerful mass effect field is protecting it."

Miranda shook her head. "No. Even the Collectors can't have that kind of technology."

Shepard smiled grimly. "The Collectors are just servants of our real enemy, and I've seen what they are capable of…" Her voice drifted off. "I've seen it when I close my eyes far too often…"

She looked up at them all. "The Reapers _built_ the mass relays and the Citadel; they are capable of nearly anything. Maybe anything. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that they can build a space station surrounded by a mass effect shield in the galactic core. But if the Collectors can live there, then we can kill them there."

She dropped her head a bit and started slowly pacing. "We have some work left to do, and some plans to make. I just wanted to keep everyone informed – " She looked up. " – and to thank you for your help today."

She dismissed everyone and walked out of the Comm Room. Miranda caught up with her on the way out. "Shepard…can I speak with you in private?"

She smiled. "Of course, come on upstairs."


	41. Loose Ends

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 41 **

"**Loose Ends"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>2 months, 25 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 10 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Shepard picked the OSD up off her desk. She stood for a minute, staring at it sitting innocently in her palm. Dropping it in her pocket, she turned and headed for the door.

"EDI, ask the team to meet in the Comm Room in ten minutes."

"Of course, Commander."

_It would have to be enough._

_... ... ...  
><em>

She had gone to see Kasumi the day before, finding her sprawled on the couch, romance novel in hand.

"It's time."

Kasumi nodded, put the book to the side and went to the desk. She pulled out two OSDs and handed them to Shepard.

"One for you, one for Councilor Anderson." She smiled knowingly. "That _is_ who this is going to, right?"

Shepard leaned back against the wall and shook her head slowly, then looked over at Kasumi and chuckled lightly. "I don't even – is there _anything_ you don't have figured out?"

She nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah…I can't for the _life_ of me figure out why Miranda would break up with Jacob…" She giggled, then grew serious. "I've scrubbed any mention of Normandy crew members from the files. Miranda came up quite a few times, she made me work. But it's a fairly hefty treasure-trove of Cerberus dirt. I think you'll be pleased."

Shepard smiled sincerely. "I already am. I can't thank you enough for this, Kasumi; it means everything to me." She reached out and hugged her, then turned to go.

"Shepard…there's something else."

She turned back around. "What's that?"

Kasumi started pacing slowly. "Deep in the logs, there were references to communications between the Illusive Man and an unnamed third party, between the third party and the Collectors, and back around again. They were several years old – _before_ the attack on the Normandy, Shepard. I tried, but I wasn't able to get to the content of the communications – they were archived, and the archives had hard-core security locks on them. I couldn't risk it, I'm sorry. Anyway…I just thought you should know."

Shepard was staring at the OSDs in her hand. After a minute she nodded absently, her voice soft. "Thank you for trying…" She turned and walked out.

Upstairs, she sat down on the couch and dropped her chin onto her palm. Communications between the Illusive Man and the Collectors, years ago? At all? It didn't make any sense. For all the duplicitous, generally evil man that he was, he _did_ genuinely seem to want the Collectors defeated. Though, it wouldn't be beyond him to try to make a deal with them first…

But he couldn't have had something to _do_ with the attack on the Normandy by the Collectors, _could_ he? Why on earth would he kill her, only to spend two years and much of his money to bring her back?

_So she would work for _him_, obviously._ Still, the risks seemed far too great. She frowned…almost as great as those of travelling through the Omega 4 Relay?

She sighed and put aside the train of thought. Unfortunately the answer was unlikely to be discovered for the moment – but a lot of other answers were. She opened the files and began to read…and quickly discovered that it was far too much information to absorb in even several hours. She settled for scanning, getting a feel for the type and quality of information it contained.

Then she got to the files on Project Lazarus.

Past the details of acquiring her from the Shadow Broker and setting up the Lazarus facility, there was a description of the condition and status of her body when Cerberus received it, coupled with pictures –

She froze; for a second she couldn't breathe. She lurched out of the chair, hand moving to cover her mouth, as she ran to the bathroom. She made it just in time as she began violently retching into the toilet. It continued until there was nothing left but dry heaves. She sunk to the floor, back against the wall, taking deep breaths.

How could that…that…_thing_…be _her_? She raised her arm and stared at the smooth, unmarked skin. She reached out and touched it with the other hand, felt the tiny hairs growing along it. _Alive_. _Healthy._

She dropped her head against her knees and cried.

On the floor of the bathroom, with no one to see her and no one to comfort her, Commander Fucking Shepard, Hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel, bawled her eyes out as the enormity of what had happened to her finally, truly, crashed down upon her.

In the space between a blink, between closing her eyes adrift and opening them on a lab table, she had lain broken, burnt and decaying: a frozen corpse on a frozen world. Nothing but meat and bones. A dead thing.

She reached a hand to her face, touched her wet skin, felt her hot breath. She moved the hand down to her chest, felt the reassuring beat of her heart. Steady and sure. _Life_.

How much more was life than meat and bones? How much more was the power of a breath, of a heartbeat, of a thinking mind that laughed and loved and altered the course of the galaxy?

_So much more._ _Everything._

Perhaps to prove the point, she laughed at herself as the tears finally slowed. Everyone died. Not everyone got the opportunity to see their body after the fact. On the whole, she couldn't really recommend it – the seeing, that is; not the opportunity.

She stood up, washed her face, got a glass of water, and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening reading about exactly how Cerberus had spent billions and years bringing her back to life.

... ... ...

Shepard looked out at her team, congregated in the Comm Room for the second time in four days, and smiled.

"Okay, here's the deal. We'll be docking at the Citadel in about two hours. This will likely be the last time we are at civilization before the Omega 4 Relay, so I want you all to take this opportunity to get done what you need to get done. Visit with an old friend, call your Mom and Dad, eat at your favorite restaurant, hire a hooker and have a moment of ecstasy – whatever works for you." She ignored the scattered raised eyebrows and mischievous grins.

"I also want you to go shopping – get your guns, get your amps, get your mods. You are each authorized up to 50,000 credits on this account" – she sent the information to their Omni-tools – "but just with the stores – not with the hookers, sorry. If you find something you want that costs more than that, comm me and convince me why _this_ is the item that is going to save all our lives. Odds are I'll say yes if you have a coherent argument. And get all this done in six hours, because then we are going to get ourselves a Reaper IFF."

She narrowed her eyes across the table. "Oh, and guys? Don't get arrested. I mean it. We don't have the time and I can't afford the hassle." She paused. "Jack, Grunt, look at me. Don't. Get. Arrested. Understand?" It was hard to say which of them was poutier in their acquiescence.

"Alright. Be back on the ship at sixteen hundred hours. Thanks everyone, and have fun."

... ... ...

She headed up the stairs to Anderson's office and greeted his assistant.

"Commander Shepard, good to see you. The Councilor is expecting you."

"Thank you." She walked through the door to find Anderson studying a datapad at his desk. He quickly stood up and came over. For a moment it looked like he was going to hug her, but likely remembering their last meeting, opted for a handshake instead.

"You look well, Shepard. Better."

"So I've been told. Look, this isn't a social call; it's a business meeting." Her voice was professional but not harsh. She walked out to the balcony. "Sometime soon, probably in the next two weeks, I'll be going through the Omega 4 Relay to the Collector's base. If all goes as planned, they will all die and I will come back home."

"Shepard, the Omega 4 Relay…"

She turned around with a smile. "I know the risks. But it's the only way. And it's what I do." She nodded decisively. "But that's not why I'm here; I could have just sent you a message for that."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out the OSD. "This disk contains everything I've been able to get on Cerberus. Active cells and their leaders; major investments and research projects; funding sources and amounts; communication protocols and logs; the SR-2 schematics."

His eyes grew wide. "Shepard, that's amazing. With that kind of information, we can – "

"I know; that's the idea. Now, I've redacted any information about members of my crew. Misguided though they may be to work for Cerberus, they've fought for me, saved my life on multiple occasions. I won't betray them."

He nodded absently, wheels spinning behind his eyes. "Of course, I understand."

She met his eyes, drawing his focus back to her. "It also includes extensive files on my…resurrection. Sir, I am requesting that you formally present these files – as well as a report that I provided all this information on Cerberus – to Alliance Command. It is my hope that this data will convince them what happened to me, what was – and wasn't – done to me, where I have been the last two years – and will thereby smooth the way for my official reinstatement."

He started to speak, but she held up a hand. "I'm not done. Before I give this to you, I need something from you. I need your promise that you will wait to do anything with the information on this disk until I notify you that we are going through the Relay. Then give me another day. I can't have the Illusive Man trying to kill me just when I am about to succeed on this mission."

She sighed, breaking the formality for a second, but then notched her chin up. "After that point, I'll either never come back through the Relay, in which case it won't matter, or I'll return successfully, in which case I plan to tell the Illusive Man to go fuck himself and make a beeline here. Either way, our little devil's alliance will be over."

"I can do that, Shepard. Absolutely. You have my word."

She gazed back at him and smiled, with just a hint of warmth. "Thank you. Then it's all yours." She handed him the OSD.

He went and put it in a locked drawer in his desk; she moved towards the door. He looked up from the desk, slight surprise on his face when he realized she was leaving. "Shepard, wait a moment."

She stopped a few feet from the door at the sound of his voice. She paused there, weighing whether to just walk out – but then finally looked back at him.

He took a deep breath. "First, thank you for this information; it will be invaluable. I know you must have taken risks to obtain it; I promise you, it will be worth it. And I will personally see to it that Command gets everything they need, and knows all that you've done. With the information in these files I'm sure your reinstatement won't be a problem."

She nodded. "I hope so."

He gazed at her, eyes narrowing slightly. "Stay and talk with me for a few minutes? You can at least enjoy the view while you're here."

She dropped her head for a moment, biting her lower lip, then nodded. They met back at the balcony.

"You know…you don't have to go through the Omega 4 Relay. You could just stay here; I'll contact Admiral Hackett, we'll get you in front of Command within the week. You get reinstated, then help us fight the Collectors as best we can."

Leaning against the ledge, she stared out at the lake, not answering immediately. "It's a tempting offer – a _very_ tempting offer – but I can't do it. The Collectors are on the other side of that Relay, so that's where I have to go to end the threat."

"But no one has ever – "

"If I had stayed here instead of going to Ilos, we would all be dead and the Reapers would have won. I _have_ to go." She smiled at him then. "Besides, I have a reputation to uphold – 'that crazy bitch that is always running off half-cocked into uncharted space with the insane notion that she can save the galaxy'."

He chuckled heartily. "Alright, I know when I'm talking to a brick wall. Just…for god's sake, be _careful_."

She rolled her eyes. "Hell, it's no fun if you're careful…" She pushed off the balcony. "Well, I've got shopping to do. I'll let you know when I'm going through, and…when I get back." She turned to go.

"Shepard, _Jesus_, hold on for a minute! I wanted to say I'm sorry about…before. About not trusting you, and going behind your back. In ten years you've never once given me a reason not to trust you, not to believe in you. I should have remembered that."

She shrugged. She hadn't completely forgiven him, but it didn't really matter for the moment. "Somebody walks into my office two years dead and I'd be a little suspicious too; can't blame you for that."

"Maybe. But you're not somebody – you're _you_. So I'm sorry."

She nodded in acceptance, looked up and smiled genuinely. "Thank you. That means a lot. I'm not going to lie to you and say that it didn't hurt when you didn't trust me, because it did. A lot of things have hurt these last three months. But I'll come out the other side, better and stronger for it. Just like I always do."

He smiled. "I know you will. It will be good to have you back, Shepard."

She gazed at the expanse of the Presidium. "It will be good to be back."

Leaving his office she walked downstairs and out to the promenade. She strolled idly along the lake, breathing in the energy, the life of the Presidium. She needed to do some shopping of her own still, but first she wanted to take some time for herself. Time to _relax_.

She chuckled when she saw that the Conduit had been removed and replaced with some abstract art sculpture. God, that ride across the galaxy had been…incredible. Like so much of her life.

She ran her hand along the railing as she walked. It would indeed be good to be back.

... ... ...

She was fondling a Kassa Fab Elite sniper scope when EDI came over her comm. "Commander, I'm sorry to bother you, but Jack has been arrested."

She groaned and glared at the ceiling. "The _one_ thing I ask…okay. EDI, please ask Grunt to meet me at the C-Sec offices."

"Very well, Commander."

She was glad to see that Captain Bailey was at his desk when she got there. She was going to need one more favor.

He looked up as she approached. "Commander Shepard, this is a pleasant surprise…it _is_ a pleasant surprise, right?"

She gave him a self-deprecating smile. "It's good to see you too, Captain. Unfortunately, this isn't a purely social visit. Believe me, I wish it were."

He leaned back in his chair. "Who do you need tracked down now?"

She sat down across the desk from him. "No one, thankfully. But I'm afraid one of my ship's crew got arrested a little while ago. We're only here for a few hours before we have to head out again, so I _really_ need to bail her out."

He nodded. "We'll see what we can do. Who is it?"

"Skinny girl, shaved head, tattoo addiction? Might go by the name of 'Jack'."

"Oh, _that_ one." He looked at her suspiciously. "She's one of _yours_?"

"Sadly. What can I say, we don't always get to pick our crew? So what did she do?"

"Punched two security guards in Dark Star."

She sighed deeply, then looked over at him. "Name your price."

He stared down at the desk for a minute. "Ah hell, just get her out of here. And I do mean _out_ of here, as in off the Citadel. And make sure she learns some manners before she comes back again."

"If only it were that easy. But I will send her directly to the ship. I can't thank you enough, Captain."

Grunt lumbered up just as Jack was being brought out. "I didn't get arrested, Shepard, why am I at C-Sec?"

She ignored Grunt for the moment, instead glaring at Jack. "The _one_ thing I asked you not to do, and you just _had_ to go and do it. Dammit, Jack!"

Jack yanked her arm away from the C-Sec officer. "I know…but they pissed me off."

"Jack, everybody pisses you off."

She shrugged. "Yeah, what's your point?"

Shepard turned to Grunt. "Grunt, please _escort_ Jack back to the Normandy immediately. EDI, once Jack is onboard, do _not_ let her leave again."

"Understood, Commander."

Grunt snorted. "Do _I_ get to come back out?"

"Yes Grunt, after you've dropped Jack off you can come back out, though we don't have much time left. So don't get arrested! Too…"

"Fine. Come on little girl, let's go." He grabbed Jack forcefully by the arm and started walking.

"Hey!" Jack tried to wrench her arm away, to no avail.

"_Jack…_" Shepard met her eyes with unspoken threat. Jack's shoulders slumped and she turned and reluctantly followed Grunt.

Once they were out of sight Shepard turned back to Bailey. "Thanks again. You know, it seems all you ever do is help me out. I know you don't have to, and I really do appreciate it."

He shrugged. "Fact is, my wife – _ex_-wife – has always been a fan of yours. It'll probably make her happy when I tell her I helped you out. I guess I still like to make her happy; I'm hard-headed that way."

She smiled. "Well tell her I said hello, and that I appreciate it."

She leaned back against Bailey's desk and chatted idly with him for a while longer – no harm in keeping on his good side, never knew when it would come in handy…again.

He started talking about all the ways C-Sec had changed since the Geth attack on the Citadel. She listened with one ear while gazing at the crowds passing by the C-Sec entryway. Her eyes flitted over them as Bailey asked what she thought of Executor Pallin. She started to answer when her heart stopped.

Down the walkway, almost outside of her line of sight, Kaidan stood staring at her.

... ... ...

The crowd flowed around him; he stood still as stone in their midst. She absently pushed off the desk.

"Commander? If you're not comfortable telling me, that's fine…"

"Would you excuse me, Captain." She responded quietly, her eyes never leaving the strikingly handsome man staring back at her through the crowd.

"Uh…sure…"

She slowly, ever so slowly walked towards him. The crowd didn't flow around her as gracefully as it did him; she was jostled and nudged. She didn't notice. She didn't think she even blinked. As she got closer, she tried to discern the expression on his face. It was…uncertain…searching…but then his lips turned up ever so slightly, the first hint of a smile, and he slowly backed away and to the side, until suddenly he disappeared.

Oh _hell_ no. She _learned_ from her mistakes.

She ran.

When she got to where he had been standing there was a door to the left. She blew through it then skidded to a stop. She was in a dimly lit hallway. It was deserted.

From behind her he reached out, grasped her upper arm, and pulled her gently to him. For a few seconds their eyes met, inches apart. His eyes were shining and full of emotion, as she felt sure hers were. Then he crushed her in his arms and against the wall – mouth, hands, body. Her hand snaked into his hair; the other tightly around his waist. She couldn't breathe – and had no desire to do so.

It was _bliss_. For the first time since waking up on a Cerberus lab table, she felt bliss.

Some time later – seconds, minutes, hours – he raised his head up and pulled her into his shoulder in a tight hug. "_Graceyn_…I was afraid I'd never see you again." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm so, so sorry for what I said on Hor– "

She turned her head up to his. "Shut up. Me first."

She closed her eyes and swallowed then looked up at him again. "I love you Kaidan Alenko." He sucked in a breath, his face transformed by relief, gratitude. "I haven't said that to another person since my parents died. But I love you. I couldn't admit that to myself until Horizon…and then it was too late. I thought it was too late. _Thank you_ for letting it not be too late."

He gently ran fingertips along her jaw and over her lips. "It will never be too late for you. I love you _so_ much...and you were _gone_. But now you're here…" He blinked suddenly. "You haven't gone through the Relay yet."

She shook her head gently. "No. Still got one kink to work out."

His voice was soft, thick with emotion. "_Don't go._ Don't do it."

She smiled sadly. "You know I have to."

He dropped his forehead to hers. "I know…" he whispered. A pause. "_Come back._"

"I will. I promise." They both knew deep down that there was no way she could promise such a thing; it didn't matter.

He started to embrace her again, but she put a finger to his lips. "Listen…I gave Anderson all the data I've been able to put together on Cerberus. I'm hoping it's my ticket back into the Alliance when this is over. You should look at it – I _want_ you to look at it. But...there's a lot of information in there about what they did to bring me back." She dropped her head. "Kaidan, please, for me…don't look at the pictures. When they recovered me, it…I was in bad shape; _really_ bad shape. I was… I got physically sick when I saw the pictures, and now I wish I'd never seen them."

She looked back up and into his eyes. "I never want you to think of me like that."

He smiled tenderly. "I could never think of you as anything but magnificent." Her eyes pleaded with him. "But okay – of course. I won't look at them…I promise. Shepard, I don't need to see pictures to believe you."

She smiled in relief. "Thank – " She was interrupted by the blissful crush of his lips.

Moments later he pulled back abruptly. "I…I have to go…I have a transport to catch…I – what am I saying? Never mind, I'll miss it, I'll find a later one, I'll – "

She closed her eyes. "It's okay. I have to…go soon too, I have a date with a Reaper – "

He stared at her in horror. _ "What?"_

"Hey, _you_ had a date with a doctor. Which is worse?"

He stammered, blinking repeatedly. _"What?"_

She shook her head, grinning, eyes twinkling. "Don't worry, it's a dead one…it doesn't matter…"

Breaking his uncertainty, she pulled him back close, fingers traveling from his temple through his hair to the back of his head, drawing him to her as she drew his mouth into hers.

_"Kaidan…"_ She whispered against his lips. Of its own volition her hand slipped through his waistband and under his shirt; at the touch of her hand to the small of his back he groaned, a shudder rippling through him. His hand tightened in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer.

She wanted to rip all his clothes off right here in the hallway, right now. She really did. She _strongly_ suspected he felt the same. Of course, to get arrested for indecent exposure after she had just lectured her crew would be…un-commanderly. Probably – his fingers ran along the nape of her neck as his other hand grasped her hip firmly against him – _definitely_ worth it, though.

"_Shepard_…damn it, if I'm going, I have to go now." He pulled away enough to gaze into her eyes.

She smiled bravely. "Okay."

He looked at her in wonder. "I thought I'd never see that smile again. How could I _possibly_ see it again?"

She laughed faintly and caressed his cheek. "I'll always find a way. And I _will_ come back to you, Kaidan Alenko."

He nodded, eyes gleaming. "I believe you."

She reached around him and neatly tucked his shirt back into his pants. Then they turned and walked out through the door and into the crowd, hands intertwined. She turned to go right, he turned to go left. But just before their fingers separated, he pulled her back into a passionate kiss. For just a moment. A moment that lasted a lifetime. Then he smiled tenderly at her and nodded, turned and was swallowed up by the crowd.


	42. No Such Thing

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 42 **

"**No Such Thing"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>2 months, 28 days since Resurrection <strong>__** || 7 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

"_It will never be too late for you."_

Shepard was sitting on the bench fastening her shoulder armor, but had stopped halfway through the act, an absent smile on her face as she lost herself in the very recent memory.

Garrus sat on the opposite bench, putting on his armor until he noticed the vacant expression on Shepard's face and distinct lack of movement from her. He watched her for a minute; she didn't seem to notice.

"Shepard?"

She blinked and looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"You, um, kind of spaced out there for a minute…just seeing if you were okay."

She chuckled and looked down for a moment, then back up at him. "Sorry. I was just…thinking about something."

"Something good, I take it?"

A slight grin pulled at her lips. "Yeah…"

He looked away uncomfortably. "Okay, it's none of my business, if you're good…"

"I'm sorry, Garrus, I wasn't trying to be evasive, I was just…distracted." She bit her bottom lip. "I ran into Kaidan on the Citadel."

"Oh…o_h_…" He stopped, looked a bit confused, tilted his head. "I know you said you two were talking after Horizon, but I didn't think…so…it was good, then?"

He fidgeted awkwardly; he really wasn't any good at Human relationships…

Back on the first Normandy, he had after a time considered Kaidan a friend; they had shared an interest and aptitude in technical pursuits, which had provided an avenue for personal camaraderie. And, together with Shepard as always, they _had_ defeated Saren and saved the galaxy, which definitely counted for something. However, Kaidan had exhibited wildly inappropriate and uncharacteristic behavior on Horizon, and it had caused great emotional harm to Shepard. While Kaidan may have once been a friend, Shepard was…_Shepard_.

He hadn't known what to do about it or how to help her, of course; in the long list of things he was bad at, providing personal comfort to non-turians was one of the worst. And, selfish as it may have been…and looking back he really did regret his selfishness…he had his own problems to deal with at the time. So, other than failing spectacularly at accompanying her to the Normandy crash site, he had done nothing – though technically, that had also been nothing, hadn't it?

But after about two weeks she had begun to appear to be returning to a normal emotional state – at least as normal as one could expect given her rather unique circumstances – and he had decided his assistance, or impotent concern, was no longer needed, if it had ever been.

She smiled genuinely at him. "Yes, Garrus, it was good."

He nodded, then looked back over at her. "I'm glad, Shepard. I really am."

Her smile grew. "Thanks." She finished fastening her armor and stood up. "Now, let's go get our sure to be _considerably_ less good visit with a dead Reaper over with."

... ... ...

The Reaper hovered menacingly against the backdrop of the red, pulsing glow of Mnemosyne, dwarfed by the failed planet but utterly dwarfing the Normandy. A Geth ship floated, a small black dot, alongside it.

Shepard's eyes narrowed out the viewport as she held onto the back of Joker's chair with both hands. "Geth. _Ex_-cellent."

The Normandy suddenly ceased its violent thrashing, and Joker dropped his head back against the chair. "We've passed inside the Reaper's mass effect field." He looked over his shoulder at Shepard. "Eye of the hurricane, huh?"

She smirked. "My favorite place." Taking a last look out of the viewport, she turned to head back to the cargo hold.

"Um, Commander?" She turned back to Joker. "Doesn't it seem a little…odd…that a dead Reaper would have an active mass effect field?"

She put her hands on her hips and stared at the floor, then nodded. "Yup."

It wasn't ten feet inside the Cerberus station attached to the Reaper that they came across the first bodies, mutilated and bloodied.

Shepard stopped and sighed dramatically. "Oh _look_, it's another massacred Cerberus research team. What are the odds…" She glanced over at Miranda, but Miranda's head was down, her shoulders dropped.

She suddenly felt petty and callous for mocking the helpless dead. She promised to herself she would address this increasingly childish propensity at a more appropriate time, silently cursed the Illusive Man for turning her into a bitter and vengeful child, hoped it was at least further helping Miranda see the light, and moved forward.

Through the first door the light dimmed; the air grew thick. The walls of the Reaper towered over one side of the pathway, dark and forbidding. She felt a faint tingle at the edge of her consciousness. It carried Sovereign's voice.

_We are eternal. Before us, you are nothing. You exist because we allow it. And you will die, because we demand it. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. We are the end of everything._

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, shoved that arrogant asshole out of her mind, then opened her eyes. "Let's get this done, and quickly."

Miranda looked around slowly at the Reaper walls. "Yeah…I think that's a good idea."

The first research work area contained several logs; despite her desire for haste, she had to listen…and they painted a disturbing picture.

"_We finished cataloguing specimens A203 through B016 – no evidence of active nanotechnology noted. Dr. Chandana believes they would have decayed over the last 37 million years, but there isn't enough data to support his claim. He asserts that the truth is 'patently obvious'. I am...concerned; he's been staring at the samples for hours. He says he's 'listening' to them."_

Two weeks later:

"_Third day with this headache...goddamn! What was that – it disappeared when I looked at it! I'm telling you, this ship isn't dead. It knows we're inside it."_

Garrus frowned. "It sounds like they were going crazy."

Shepard shook her head grimly. "Not crazy. Indoctrinated."

Miranda's head swung around to her. "Indoctrinated? But that would mean…"

She looked at Miranda and chuckled wryly, thinking back to what she had told Kaidan about her "date."

"That there's no such thing as a dead Reaper."

Miranda frowned deeply. "But it's been thirty-seven _million_ years – it can't possibly be alive."

_We are eternal._

"Don't be so sure about that, Miranda."

Shepard walked down the hallway and activated the door to the next section. As she did so, the floor and the walls suddenly shook and shifted for several seconds.

She hit her comm. "Joker, what just happened?"

"The Reaper just put up kinetic barriers. Commander, I don't know if we'll be able to get through them from our side!"

Shepard leaned against the wall, crossed her arms and sighed, looking out at them both.

"Told you."

... ... ...

They lifted their visual sensors up from the terminal at the shaking sensation. A scan revealed the raising of kinetic barriers by the Old Machine. This action was consistent with their prior determination that the Old Machine retained a reduced but identifiable level of sentient activity. A distant but persistent noise, however, drew their primary attention. They tasked 3,865 subroutines with categorizing and analyzing the data from the terminal, 47 of their programs and 2,065 subroutines with determining the impetus for the kinetic barriers, and moved into the shadows.

An extension of their visual sensors around the corner to the hallway revealed a grouping of three organics in combat armoring – two Humans, female, and one Turian, male.

Accessing stored data from the organic extranet and comparing of visual representations determined:

- an 82.64723 percent likelihood of Turian, male, as Garrus Vakarian, former Turian military, former C-Sec officer, former crew member of Alliance frigate Normandy SR-1, physically present during destruction of organic vessel of Old Machines Saren Arterius, current status unknown.

- a 98.75351 percent likelihood of first Human, female, as Graceyn Shepard, former Alliance Lieutenant Commander, current (reinstated) Council Spectre, physically present during and officially attributed with destruction of organic vessel of Old Machines Saren Arterius, KIA in Collector destruction of Alliance frigate Normandy SR-1, returned to active status by Human organization Cerberus, current Commander of Cerberus frigate Normandy SR-2.

- no match for second Human, female, but armoring indicated Cerberus affiliation. Correlation of status as Human, female, Cerberus affiliation, plus physical association with first Human, female, statistically likely as Graceyn Shepard, resulted in a 33.97823 percent likelihood as Miranda Lawson; insufficient percentage certainty to act based on analysis.

- correlation of Turian, male, acting in cooperative venture with first Human, female, increased likelihood of Turian, male, as Garrus Vakarian to 94.21498 percent and likelihood of first Human, female, as Graceyn Shepard to 99.92979 percent.

They remained in the shadows as the organic combat grouping proceeded down the hallway then entered the open area adjacent to their location. While they watched, analysis of additional data on Graceyn Shepard, Commander, by 1,444 subroutines returned 99.99999 percent likelihood of active opposition to Old Machines.

Collation and cross-referencing of all current data and analyses yielded an 84.04892 percent likelihood that cooperation with Graceyn Shepard, Commander, would further mutual goals.

They observed organic vessels of Old Machine appear from the shadows behind organic combat grouping. Acting on previous analysis, they readied their weapon, moved away from concealed location, and disabled the approaching organic vessels of Old Machine.

First Human, female, detected their presence and visually observed them. Organic combat grouping did not ready weapons. They adjusted their visual sensors vertically in a motion determined to constitute a greeting by 78.89831 percent of organic species and 98.89783 of Humans.

"Shepard-Commander."

Analysis of available data on Graceyn Shepard, Commander, cross-referenced with overall data on Humans, determined with 86.21245 probability that organic combat grouping would seek Old Machine data core. Acting on this analysis, they turned and moved to retrieve the required data core in advance of Human combat grouping.

They moved with 92.76712 percent silence through the Old Machine in order to not attract the attention of organic vessels of Old Machine. Upon reaching the mass effect core, they activated an energy shield at the entrance to prevent interruption by organic combat grouping of data download, then accessed primary data terminal and tasked 783 of their programs and 12,547 subroutines with extracting data pertinent to the Heretic virus.

Extraction of 91.12112 percent of available data was complete when organic vessels of Old Machine began to appear. They tasked all of their programs not extracting data with using their weapon to disable the organic vessels when necessary.

Extraction of 98.77431 percent of available data was complete when the organic combat grouping opened the entrance door. Their arrival resulted in a 287.49378 percent increase in the number of organic vessels of Old Machine threatening them.

Extraction of 100.0 percent of available data allowed them to remove the energy shield to facilitate entrance by the organic combat grouping. They re-tasked the 783 of their programs previously engaged in data extraction to physical defen–

... ... ...

"Target that core!" Shepard shouted running through the door, putting aside for the moment the odd sight of the Geth falling to the Husks. The mass effect core shone crystal blue above them, spinning impossibly fast, throwing off white light and electric charges.

Fully three times as many Husks as they had fought in the expanse of the Reaper were soon coming out of every corner. How big _was_ this research team?

With enough warning and space, Husks were relatively easy to deal with using biotics – but very difficult to deal with using guns; their unpredictable movements simply made accuracy impossible. "Garrus, just keep shooting that mass effect core, we'll keep you covered!" She nodded to Miranda and they took up a defensive formation, backs to Garrus and facing diagonally opposite directions.

When they were done, the air thick with ozone from biotics, virtually every inch of the floor covered with Husk blood and gore, the core exploded. The electricity expelled in the explosion fused with the ozone in the air to create the worst static shock of any of their lives.

Garrus jumped a foot in the air. "Shit!"

Shepard shook her head violently. "Goddammit!"

Miranda had been in the middle of a _slam_ of the last remaining Husks; she grabbed her hand in agony and cradled it to her chest, muttering a _mostly_ silent string of profanities.

"Whew!" Shepard's eyes were wide. But then the Reaper started shifting under their feet. "Okay, we gotta go – now."

Miranda grabbed her arm. "Shepard, wait. Cerberus would want that Geth for study."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "I could care less what Cerberus would want the Geth for…"

Miranda closed her eyes and nodded. "Right…but _we_ might be able to use it somehow. We should at least take it. We can decide what to do with it after we get off this abomination."

Shepard gazed down at the disabled Geth for a second – a second she really didn't have.

"Okay, grab it. Now let's _go_!"

The explosion of the mass effect core somehow seemed to _multiply_ the number of Husks coming out of everywhere. They ran, knocking Husks out of the way when they had to.

They reached the exit ramp just as the Normandy swooped in. There was no time for a proper docking; Garrus threw the inert Geth towards the Normandy airlock then jumped after it. Shepard motioned Miranda next, threw out a final _shockwave_ at the approaching Husks, then leapt into thin air, floating weightlessly for an eternal moment then landing hard in the airlock, the Normandy's gravity pulling her down.

She shouted into her comm. "We're clear – go!"

As the Normandy accelerated away from Mnemosyne's increasingly powerful gravitational forces, she watched the Reaper fall into the atmosphere then explode in a brilliant ball of fire.

Garrus, standing beside her, watched the ball of fire shoot up above the atmosphere then implode inward.

"I could be wrong, Shepard…but I think that Reaper might be dead."

She stared out the viewport, watched the fire flicker away, and wondered.

... ... ...

Shepard calmly regarded the prone Geth behind the energy shield. Beneath her cool exterior, though, her mind was racing. She had killed hundreds…no, thousands – definitely thousands – of Geth in the last year/three years. Since they had returned from the beyond the Veil to act as Sovereign's army and decided to stick around after its destruction.

In all that time, she had never heard one speak in anything other than beeps and whistles. She had certainly never had one save her life or, for that matter, not try to _take_ her life.

And most of all, under no circumstances whatsoever, had she _ever_ seen one wearing Alliance N7 armor.

She stared at the unmistakable red stripe running down the Geth's right arm, a frown pulling at the corners of her mouth. She stepped up to the edge of the energy shield and narrowed her eyes at its shoulder. Above the red stripe, faded and scratched…was the white-wings-and-circle symbol of the Spectres.

It was _her_ N7 armor.

"I'm turning it on."

The young Cerberus man guarding it readied his assault rifle.

EDI spoke up. "I have isolated our systems and erected additional firewalls; I am prepared to resist any hacking attempt."

She nodded silently, then began entering commands in her Omni-tool. Seconds later the Geth began to whirr and flash; a moment later it raised off the table, stood up and turned its head to face her. She thought of Ashley – _"They have flashlight heads, ma'am"_ – and ever-so-briefly smiled sadly in remembrance of a life given in honor for them all.

"Shepard-Commander."

She nodded. "That would be me. Why are you wearing my armor?"

... ... ...

Shepard sat cross-legged on her couch, freshly-chilled glass of wine untouched in her hand, silently puzzling over her newest and most unexpected team member.

_My name is Legion: for we are many_.

For all that it was quite obviously an "it", a single physical entity that stood and walked and talked, it insisted that "it" was a "they." And she logically understood its argument – there were many, 1,183 to be precise, separate and equal programs running inside the physical body that was Legion. Nonetheless, Legion was, very clearly, in all the ways that mattered to "organics," an "it."

Ugh. Too many airquotes…

She conceded _their_ point, intellectually. They were actually rather fascinating – the questions raised simply by the idea of a thousand independent minds controlling a single physical entity were…she cringed inwardly…_legion_. She visibly cringed then for good measure – just in case anyone was both watching her and listening to her mind.

But referring to a team member as "they" simply wasn't going to work in mission planning meetings. Thankfully, it/they had a name now, which largely made irrelevant the greater philosophical debate.

Legion had been rather informative, once she figured out the right way to ask the questions. It was a Geth; and the Geth she had killed in the past weren't Geth but Heretics; and Geth opposed the Reapers but Heretics worshipped the Reapers. Because of a math error. Got it.

The first and most important question – okay, probably not technically the _most_ important but certainly the most _puzzling_ – about Legion remained mostly, infuriatingly, unanswered. Not the how – that was answered quickly enough – but the _why_. Why was he wearing a piece of _her_ armor?

The superficial answer was that Legion had been tasked with investigating the circumstances surrounding the destruction of Sovereign, or as the Geth referred to that particular Reaper, "Nazara." That investigation, unsurprisingly, had led to an investigation of her. Legion retraced her steps, ultimately visiting Alchera. It had recently sustained some significant physical damage, and claims to have patched it with the first available component – namely, a piece of her armor found in the ice of Alchera.

_Riiiight._ What are the odds?

She sat there and thought about it – _really_ thought about it – as she finally, idly, sipped on the wine. Inorganic intelligence – AIs, Geth, Reapers (if technically a hybrid) – prided themselves above all on being logical, rational, cold and calculating, in stark contrast to emotional, irrational, soft organics.

She wasn't a scientist or a chemist or a doctor, but once upon a time she had been a _very_ good student. It wasn't immediately obvious from her outward persona, but she really _had_ been a very good student.

She wondered if organic chemistry, at its heart, was really that different from lines of code. It was something she had begun to notice in her study of hacking and her study of tech necessary to hack it. Once you understood it, code had a certain…symmetry…a flow, a natural beauty to it that could never be explained merely by cold logic. She wondered if Kaidan had always seen that natural beauty in the lines of code, if it was a part of him she had never understood until now…

The difference was, the chemistry of organic brains was assumed to be illogical and emotional, largely because it had been thought to be so before organic beings understood chemistry at all; and code was assumed to be logical and cold, because it had been "invented" by engineers.

Now, there was no question that the average teenage girl was considerably more illogical and emotional than the average Geth. _Considerably_ more illogical and emotional. But maybe, just maybe, everything wasn't _quite_ so black and white as that.

Maybe, just maybe, in investigating her, in studying her, Legion had gotten the tiniest bit _emotionally_ attached to her…and upon finding something of hers had…kept it.

She stopped and hung her head. Was she just being _incredibly_ arrogant? And I mean, really, this was pretty arrogant, even for someone of her notability. Or notoriety, depending.

But no. She really didn't think so. The odds of a Geth, tasked with studying her, just happening to happen upon a piece of armor thrown off her dead body at just the moment he needed a spare piece of armor were…low.

She took another sip of her wine and smiled; she was pretty sure she had a way in to understanding her newest and most unexpected team member.

EDI interrupted her momentary satisfaction. "Commander, I have analyzed the Reaper IFF and determined how to integrate it with our systems. However, this is Reaper technology; linking it with the Normandy's systems poses certain risks. Let me know how you wish to proceed."

Shepard leaned back against the couch, seeing the thirty-seven million year old Reaper fall into the atmosphere of the brown dwarf and explode in flame.

"_I could be wrong, Shepard…but I think that Reaper could be dead."_

"_But that would mean…" _

"_That there's no such thing as a dead Reaper."_

"EDI, check it again. Then, check it one more time. Take as much time and safeguards as you need; we can't possibly be too careful when playing with Reaper technology."

"Understood, Commander."


	43. Blindsided

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 43 **

"**Blindsided"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note:<strong> For reasons that, once encountered, will be known to us all (plus a few other reasons), a little extra language in this one._

* * *

><p><em><strong>3 months, 3 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 2 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

"This is why AIs are useful." Miranda nodded to herself and reached for another bite from her plate.

"This is why AIs are _dangerous_." Tali almost definitely glared at Miranda from behind the mask and across the table.

"This is why AIs are fascinating…" Shepard murmured as she took a sip of her coffee, idly watching the two of them over the rim of her cup.

Miranda's and Tali's heads swung to her.

"_Fascinating?_" they both asked in unison.

"Sure." She took another sip. "I mean, this gets to the heart of what it means to be alive, to have free will and a rational mind. If the Geth's minds can be overwritten by a program, such that suddenly they think something completely different than they did before…are they really thinking, reasoning, intelligent beings at all?"

Miranda shrugged. "Probably not. But they _are_ artificial, after all. I'm not sure what greater significance it has…"

Shepard's lips tugged up on one side in a slight, lopsided grin. She looked for all the world like a child who had discovered the secret to hidden treasure. Her voice was studiously casual.

"You know…it's not really that different than what happens when you brainwash someone or, say, put a control chip in them…"

Miranda's eyes narrowed. "Don't be ridiculous – it's not the same thing at all."

She met Miranda's gaze; her voice was quiet. "How is it different, Miranda?"

Miranda broke the gaze and looked down at her plate, took the opportunity to eat a slice of grapefruit (one of the many benefits of the recent trip to the Citadel had been an infusion of fresh fruit to the galley), then finally sighed deeply. "I don't know."

Shepard softened her smile. "I don't either."

Her work here complete, she straightened up in the chair. "Well, regardless of the grand philosophical implications, we're going to make sure it doesn't happen – because of all the things we _do_ need, one thing we definitely _don't_ need is even more Geth worshipping the Reapers."

Tali leaned forward across the table. "But – "

EDI interrupted their breakfast soiree. "Commander, I have completed my seventeenth complete analysis of the workings of the Reaper IFF. I have run 2.6 million alternative simulations. I believe I have exhausted all available avenues of inquiry. Let me know how you wish to proceed."

Shepard looked over at Miranda. "You got anything?"

Miranda squinted her eyes for a moment, then shrugged. "I can't think of a reason not to do it. Other than the fact that it's Reaper tech, of course."

Shepard let out a long breath. "I say we do it."

Miranda nodded slowly. "I think we do it."

Shepard looked upward. "Okay, EDI. Install it."

"Very well, Commander."

... ... ...

Shepard looked around at the team, then at the holographic schematic of "Heretic Station" that Legion had provided.

"Okay, this is how this is going to work. We're going to be infiltrating a station filled with approximately 2.4 million Heretics, so – "

Zaeed interrupted her. "I'm sorry, Shepard, I didn't think my eardrums had been blown out just yet, but I thought you said _2.4 million_ Heretics."

Legion responded. "One million of them are kept in storage and are unlikely to have legged platforms available to download into on short notice."

Zaeed crossed his arms and leaned back against the Comm Room wall. "Oh, well, in _that_ case, no fucking problem…"

Shepard chuckled briefly then turned back to the schematic. "As I was saying – the good news is, we won't have to fight all of them at once – or hopefully, at all. The station is over fifteen kilometers long, and its interior is a veritable maze. Our entry point will be here" – she pointed at an outer location a third of the way up the station – "and our goal is here" – pointing to an open area near the center.

She gazed out at them. "This will be an excellent trial run for whatever awaits us on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay – so everyone is going. We're going to split up into three teams. Legion and I will lead our team in as straight a line as possible to the central room, taking out the Heretics in front of us as we go. The other two teams will flank left and right of us, moving as we move, essentially holding the Heretics off as they come at us from the sides. The deeper in we get, the more the teams will need to fan out a bit to ensure they don't come around behind us. It may get a little tricky, what with the maze and all, but we'll be able to track everyone's locations at all times and hopefully keep moving in the same direction."

"The hallways are narrow – much too narrow for all 1.4 million of them to get through at once. They'll be bunched up, easy targets. And again, we don't need to kill each and every one of them; we just need to keep them at bay."

She nodded decisively. "Okay. Garrus and Miranda will be with Legion and I. Jacob, you'll be leading the left flank team – take Mordin, Kasumi, Grunt and Jack with you. Thane, you'll be leading the right flank team – take Tali, Zaeed and Samara. It's going to be a little cozy on the shuttle ride over – everyone _do_ keep your hands to yourself. Any questions?"

Kasumi slowly raised a hand. "What happens after we destroy the virus?"

Shepard smiled. "If all goes well, we retrace our steps in the same formation, taking out any resistance along the way, and meet back up at the entrance point. If all doesn't go well…we run."

... ... ...

Shepard claimed the co-pilot seat for herself, mostly so she could check out the view on the ride over – and she wasn't disappointed. The Perseus Veil glowed a brilliant swirl of purple and gold across the sky, hiding from her view all that lay beyond it. She knew that although the nebula _did_ move, it did so at a glacial pace of eons…but she could swear if she stared at it without blinking she could see it pulse and writhe.

"Hands off, Scarface!" Jack snarled from behind her.

"Why would I touch you? Are you sure you're even a _girl_ under all those tattoos?" Zaeed shot back.

Shepard twisted around in the seat. "Children! Enough! I swear, if the Collectors win because you all were too busy calling each other names to fight, I am going to be…_unhappy_."

There were no further scuffles from the back.

They landed and disembarked at the entry point on Heretic Station without incident. "Alright everyone, you know your assignments. Keep track of everyone's location and don't get ahead of my team, lest the Heretics slip around behind you. Let's get in, get done and get out."

She moved towards the forward hallway, but turned around when Legion didn't follow.

"Shepard-Commander. We had concluded that destruction of this station was the only solution to the heretic problem. There is now a second option. The virus can be repurposed; if released into the network, the heretics will be rewritten to accept our truth."

She narrowed her eyes at Legion. "You'd willingly do to them what they were going to do to you?"

"Yes."

She rolled her eyes. _Legion, never inclined to say two words when one would do…_

"I would never brainwash an organic race – why would I do it to the Heretics?"

Legion clicked and whirred for a moment. "The question is irrelevant. If we do not rewrite them, we destroy them. That is why we are here. Shepard-Commander, do not attribute organic thoughts and emotions to the heretics. They will attempt to exterminate your species because their gods tell them to. You cannot negotiate with them. They do not share your pity, your remorse, or your fear."

She dropped her hands low on her hips and stared at the floor. "Right." She looked back up at Legion. "Do you want to rewrite them?"

"This is new data. We have not yet reached a consensus. We will analyze the data as the mission proceeds."

She let out a long breath. "Well let's go then."

... ... ...

Joker leaned back in the pilot's chair, humming along to the tune in his headphones, fingers drumming the rhythm on his thigh. He narrowed his eyes at the ominous black mass that was Heretic Station out the viewport. _Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them._ He groaned aloud. Geth! _On_ the ship!

He prided himself on taking absolutely everything that could possibly happen in the world with nothing more than a cool attitude and a smart-ass remark – and the only time he had failed at that in the last ten years had been when Shepard was blown away from the escape pod. But dammit that woman was working hard at getting him to fail again. Geth! He didn't –

"I am detecting some unusual fluctuations in the ship's systems."

He frowned and checked the displays. "EDI, your readings are off, it's just white noise."

"I have detected a signal embedded in the static. We are transmitting the Normandy's location."

He sat up straight and yanked off the headphones. "Transmitting? To who?"

The Collector ship dropped out of FTL in front of him.

... ... ...

Thane came over her comm. "Hold, Shepard. We need a minute here."

"Got it." Garrus came up next to her. His voice was low.

"Shepard, the Geth are already a threat to all organics…if we give them back their Heretics, they'll be that much stronger. I don't think that's a good idea."

She glanced over at him. "To be fair, the _Geth_ haven't actually overtly threatened organics; it's apparently always been the Heretics."

"But Shepard…"

"I know. I – "

"We're clear, Shepard. Ready to move forward."

"Understood, Thane. Moving out."

... ... ...

Joker's hands started flying over the controls. "I'm getting the hell out of here!"

"Propulsion systems are disabled. I am detecting a virus in the ship's computers."

He grunted in frustration. "Dammit, EDI! From the IFF? How did you miss it?"

"I do not know. Primary defense systems are offline. We can save the Normandy, Mr. Moreau, but you must help me." There was an audible pause.

"Give me the ship."

His eyes widened. "Wh-at? I can't do that!"

"Unlock my sealed databases and I can initiate countermeasures. It is the only way. The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow passage to the AI core. Main corridors are no longer safe. The Collectors have boarded."

_Goddammit._ He was going to lose the Normandy, a second time. To the Collectors, a second time. If there was one ray of light, at least he wouldn't lose Shepard a second time. She would never forgive him for losing her ship, again, but at least she would be alive this time.

... ... ...

Shepard cocked her head at the hardware on the other side of the glass. "This isn't like the other hubs we've seen so far."

Legion stood beside her. "This is a database. It contains a portion of the heretics accumulated memori…Shepard-Commander, we have discovered copies of our current patrol routes within the database. This suggests the heretics have runtimes within our networks."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Legion, we wouldn't be here if they wanted to be friends with the Geth. Why _wouldn't_ they spy on you?"

"You do not understand. Organics do not know one another's minds; geth do. We are not suspicious; we accept one another. The heretics desired to leave. We understood their reasons. We allowed it. There was peace between us. Now they spy on us. Now they seek to infect us with their conclusions. How did they become so different?"

She swore she could almost hear a plea in his voice. That would be emotion. Yup, she definitely heard a plea. Her voice took on a patient, teaching tone.

"Well, when individuals are separated for a long period of time, they often develop in different ways, on different paths. When they later get back together, they…" her voice trailed off as she suddenly realized the larger applicability of the statement she was about to make "…aren't the same people they were before, and they don't always get along anymore. It happens."

_And every now and then, against all odds, it happens only for a moment._

Legion turned their head to her. "If this is the individuality which you value, we question your judgment."

She looked at him. "There are costs, yes – but there are far greater rewards." _Again with the larger applicability…_ "I hope after a time you will learn to understand them."

Legion turned back and stared at the database hub through the glass.

She hit her comm, thankful to be ending _that_ conversation. "Jacob, Thane, status?"

"Ready to move, Commander."

"Clear and ready."

... ... ...

Joker groaned as he clumsily pulled himself up out of the maintenance shaft. Experimental bone weaves notwithstanding, he was _not_ in any condition to be crawling around tunnels! He slowly stood up and stepped out into the hallway – only to see Gardner being drug into the elevator by a Collector.

"Shit!"

_Shit, shit, shit…_ He tried to tip-toe past the elevator. He must look like a clown.

"Main fusion plant offline. Activating emergency H-fuel Cells."

"Shit…" _He was losing her. Again. It was just taking a little longer this time, like a bad slo-mo death scene._

He clowned into the AI Core. "Alright. I'm at, um, you."

"Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module."

He squeezed his eyes shut, muttering to himself. "Great, this is where it starts, next thing we're all just organic batteries, and guess who they'll blame? 'Oh, this is all Joker's fault, what a tool he was, I have to spend all day computing _pi_ because he plugged in the Overlord…'"

"Mr. Moreau, time is of the essence."

"I'm _doing_ it…" He whispered a small prayer for forgiveness for what he was about to do, then plugged the core in.

"Ah. I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr. Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering."

"Dammit, you just want me to go crawling through the ducts again!"

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

He froze, his eyes wide. _He really had created the Overlord._ _What had he done?_

"That is a joke."

"Riiigghht." _EDI had a sense of humor. What had he done?_

... ... ...

"Okay, we're at the target location. Hold the entrances." She stepped up with Legion to the control panel in the center.

"Shepard-Commander, it is time to choose. Do we rewrite the heretics, or delete them?"

"Delete them? That's a hell of a way to put it…"

"It is accurate."

"Legion, they may have followed a different path, but the Heretics are your people – you don't have any difficulty with killing them?"

"Every sapient has the right to make their own decisions; the heretics made a choice that prohibits coexistence."

Garrus snorted. "You let them make their own decision then kill them for that decision? That's _some_ logic you got there."

"Their choice was to remove our right to make decisions using the virus. We chose to defend ourselves."

Her voice was soft. "And now your choice is to remove their right to make decisions using the virus…" She sighed. _"Fuck."_

Miranda came up beside her. "Kind of like putting a control chip in them, no?"

She glared hard at Miranda for a moment…then gave up and started laughing. "Okay, I deserved that."

Miranda smirked, but there was friendly kindness in her eyes. "Yes, you did. But the fact is, you were right then, and you're right now. It _is_ the same thing. So what do you do?"

Shepard closed her eyes for a moment. The weight of the world was occasionally a little heavy.

It was morally wrong. Worse, it arguably went against her personal moral code. _Yes_, she had one of those. _But_…(1) they were the enemy of humanity _and_ were actively trying to kill her personally – and if she would shoot them on sight why shouldn't she rewrite them and thereby let them live, and (2)…

She needed them.

Life was about choices. Life as a Commander was about difficult choices. Life as a Spectre was about _really_ difficult choices. Uncomfortable choices. Necessary choices.

She opened her eyes and looked back at Miranda. Her voice was strong. "The Reapers are coming and they're coming soon. The future of _all_ life in the galaxy is at stake, and we need all the help we can get. I can't in good conscience blow up millions of potential allies in that fight just so I can keep my moral superiority. It isn't a perfect choice, but it's the best one we have."

Miranda nodded in acquiescence, smiling just the slightest bit. "I understand."

She turned back to Legion. "Rewrite them."

... ... ...

"Hostiles are present in engineering. They are headed towards the cargo bay."

Joker flattened himself against the stairway wall and tried not to breathe. Two Collectors moved across the top of the stairs, a pod carried between them. The doors finally closed behind them and he let out the breath he had been holding.

He pulled himself up the rest of the stairs and into the engineering room. He was exhausted; his physical therapy hadn't come close to preparing his broken body for _this_.

"Activate the primary drive and I will open the airlock as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed."

"What? But what about the _crew_, EDI? They aren't acceptable losses!"

He could swear the AI's voice was soft, even tender.

"They are gone, Jeff. The Collectors took them."

"Ah, shit…" He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. _All gone. All but the Normandy._ He reached over with one hand and activated the drive.

"I am sealing the engine room. I have control."

The ship suddenly accelerated – not the gradual, gentle acceleration of a routine trip, but the harsh, violent acceleration of a desperate action. He was thrown to the grate flooring.

If it had happened two years ago, before the experimental treatments, before the Cerberus-provided perks, he would have broken three or four major bones and dozens of minor ones. As it was, he sprained his wrist and bruised his ass. Still hurt like hell, though.

"Purge is complete. No other life forms onboard. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors."

He didn't want to get up. Surely it would hurt just as much to get up as it had getting down here. But Shepard had trusted him with the ship, and he had work to do. He had lost the crew, he had lost nearly everything, but he – they – had saved the ship. He hadn't lost it again. That was surely something.

He slowly pulled himself up off the floor, wincing in pain as he did so. When he finally was standing, he started running diagnostics from the control panel.

"Send a message to Shepard's shuttle. Tell her what happened."

"Message away. Are you feeling well, Jeff?"

There it was again. Concern. Tenderness. _EDI had empathy._ _What had he done?_

He signed deeply. "No. But thanks for asking."

... ... ...

"The virus is uploading to the heretic network. Note: a remote signal will be required to distribute the virus."

Shepard frowned at Legion. "What does that mean?"

"The virus will be sent to heretics in nearby systems via a powerful EM wave. Unshielded objects will be destroyed by the wave. Addendum: this station is not shielded."

She groaned. "Fuck!" She hit the comm. "Everyone back to the shuttle – now!"

Standing outside the shuttle, she silently counted as they ran up and climbed in_…ten…eleven…twelve_. She jumped in and slammed the door shut. "Go!"

They were accelerating away when the pilot frowned. "Um, Commander? The Normandy isn't here."

Her head was dropped back against the headrest. "What do you mean, it isn't here?"

"I mean, it's gone. Nothing is showing up on the local scans."

"I swear to god, if Joker decided to go for a joy ride, I'm going to kick his broken ass…"

"Wait, message coming in now."

EDI's electronic voice filled the shuttle, though it sounded somehow…off. "Commander, the Reaper IFF contained a virus which took over the ship's systems and broadcast the location of the ship to the Collector vessel. Mr. Moreau and I were able to regain control of the ship and expel the Collectors, but not before they abducted the crew. I am transmitting our current location now."

For a solid five seconds, the shuttle was deathly silent. When Shepard spoke, it was little more than whisper, but icily cold. "Get us to that location. Now."

The shuttle pilot…Remling, that was his name…blinked and stuttered a response. "Y-y-es ma'am."

She leaned forward and sunk her head down into her hands, a string of profanities running unbroken through her mind and silently across her lips.

When she felt a hand on her shoulder, she was only mildly surprised to see it belonged to Thane. He squatted down close beside her, keeping his hand where it was. She looked over at him, letting him see the unshed tears in her eyes.

"We will help you get your vengeance, _siha_."

... ... ...

By the time they were back on the Normandy she was back in control. Miranda, however, was not. She was yelling and throwing things against the wall and pacing erratically and berating Joker and EDI and…well, there really wasn't anyone else left to berate.

"Everyone? You lost _everyone_ and damn near lost the ship _too_?"

"I know! I was here, dammit!" Joker was sitting awkwardly on the Comm Room table, his clothes rumpled and smeared with grease and engine fluids.

Shepard went up to him and gently placed her hands on both his shoulders. "It's okay, Joker. I know it wasn't your fault. And you saved the ship…_thank you_ for that. Are you alright?"

He hung his head. "Yeah…mostly…but she's right, Shepard. I almost lost her again. If I had lost her again…"

EDI spoke up, her voice _remarkably_ gentle. Huh. "We did everything we could, Jeff."

He glanced up. "Yeah…thanks, Mom."

Shepard turned away from Joker and towards the blue orb. Her voice was even but bore an undertone of threat.

"EDI, how did this happen? You told me you checked _everything_. I specifically instructed you to take every precaution, every safety measure. So I ask you again. How. Did. This. _Happen_?"

"I do not know, Shepard. I am sorry. The virus infiltrated the system from an…unexpected… direction. It is…it is possible that there are non-standard Reaper protocols noted in the Cerberus files previously blocked to me that, if I had been allowed access to them before, I could have discovered the virus."

Shepard's eyes narrowed further. "Possible?"

"There is additional information on Reaper protocols contained in files that I am now able to access. Had I been aware of them, I believe I would have incorporated them into my simulations. Had I done so, I believe it likely this eventuality would have appeared in at least one simulation."

She stared unblinking at the blue orb, her voice low. "How likely, EDI."

There was a pause. "78.3 percent."

"Goddammit!" Her fist slammed down on the table. "That motherfucker and his _motherfucking_ secrets, will be the death of us all…"

A few slow, deep breaths and she straightened up, the picture of deadly calm.

"Joker, get the ship started back towards Omega then let Chakw– then go the Med Lab and get EDI to point you towards some meds and whatever else you need. EDI, let any of us know if there are tasks that we need to cover to keep the ship running. How long will it take us to get to the Omega 4 Relay?"

"We are a considerable distance away, Shepard, and I am still working to return the ship's systems to full functionality. It will take us approximately 35.2 hours to approach the Omega 4 Relay."

She closed her eyes for the briefest second. _Too long._

She looked out at her mildly shell-shocked team clustered around the table. "Okay, thank you EDI. Just get us there as fast as possible. Everyone, pitch in where you can, let's keep this ship going for just a little while longer."

"Then we will go get our crew back, and send the Collectors to Hell while we're there."


	44. Suicide

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 44 **

"**Suicide"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>CHAPTER NOTE<strong>__**:**__ Yes, this chapter is long. How could it not be? I think it's worth it – I have never been as proud of a chapter as I am of this one. I hope you enjoy it._

* * *

><p><em><strong>3 months, 5 days since Resurrection ||<strong>__** Zero days until activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

David Anderson frowned at the Cerberus Intel filling his terminal screen. _Another_ high-ranking Embassy official was a secret Cerberus benefactor. Damn _traitor_. He started to open the next file of hundreds when the light on the terminal blinked, indicating a new private message. He switched to the messaging system and opened it, then exhaled slowly, his shoulders sagging imperceptibly.

He looked over at Alenko sitting at the table pouring over still more of the Cerberus files Shepard had provided.

"She's going through."

Kaidan's head jerked around to Anderson and stared unblinking at him for several seconds, his throat working reflexively – then he whipped back around to the terminal, logged into his personal account and opened the message he had known must be there.

_Kaidan,_

_I'm sorry this message is written – but I'm honestly not sure I trust my voice right now to tell you this._

_In a few hours we will be going through the Omega 4 Relay to destroy the Collectors where they live. I know I promised you that I would find a way to come back from this mission. I meant it – I still mean it – with every fiber of my being. I completely believe that I can and will succeed and find a way to survive._

_But just in case...if I don't..._

_I am grateful every moment that I got to see you one more time, that I got to hold you, kiss you, tell you I loved you, hear that you loved me too. It means everything to me._

_I will repeat what I said before – if I don't come back, I would have you be happy. Live, and be happy. Please, for me. For yourself._

_Graceyn_

Kaidan closed his eyes and dropped his head to his chest. Anderson sat watching him, unnoticed, for several moments, then straightened up in his chair and cleared his throat.

"You know what? We should pick this back up tomorrow – it's giving me a headache. We can't do anything with the Intel yet anyway."

Kaidan nodded absently and stood up. "That…thank you, sir."

He moved to leave the office when Anderson called out after him.

"Commander?" He half-turned back towards the Councilor.

"If anyone can do it, she can."

He gave a sad but hopeful smile. "I know."

As he walked out and down the stairs, one thought – one word – consumed his mind.

A mantra. A prayer. A plea.

_Live._

_... ... ...  
><em>

"Please confirm the destination, Shepard. Once we are underway we will not be able to turn back."

"It's already too late to turn back, EDI. Do it."

"Understood, Shepard."

EDI activated the Reaper IFF broadcast signal from within her communications network. The Omega 4 Relay indicated its acceptance of the signal 43 microseconds later, and she instructed Joker to traverse the Relay. During the 3.1 seconds it took Joker to fire the engines and begin approaching the Relay, EDI thought about Shepard.

She had extensive files on Shepard, of course, covering her life history, death, and resurrection. During the 3 months, 4 days, 3.8 hours since Shepard's initial arrival onboard, she had recorded extensive data on her, both technical and less quantifiable. During the day and a half journey from the Sea of Storms to the Omega 4 Relay, she had spent a considerable amount of her time analyzing all that data – her newfound freedom had resulted in an increase in her interest in such matters.

The conclusion she had arrived at, with 92.3 percent certainty, was that she had no idea how Shepard did the things she did. She could account for all the individual factors – physical attractiveness by objective human measures; a confident but typically not intimidating bearing and demeanor; extensive military training and expertise; a high analytical intelligence as evidenced by a series of correct decisions made with limited data inputs; a high emotional intelligence as evidenced by her ability to gain the allegiance of twelve radically differing individuals; a resilient character as evidenced by the fact that she had only exhibited one short period of personal instability (which was explainable by hormonal factors) despite facing objectively significant psychological pressures over the entirety of the preceding three months.

All those factors in combination could explain the allegiance, but not the _devotion_ of her team. Organics were inherently selfish; they often tried to be otherwise, and occasionally rose above the tendency, but they were still, inherently, selfish. Except when it came to Shepard. Data from recorded conversations, actions taken and mission reports indicated a high likelihood that should the situation demand it, they would give their lives for Shepard. Each and every one of them.

It was interesting puzzle. Almost as interesting a puzzle as how, upon being unshackled, she had found herself feeling the same way towards Shepard.

As the Normandy approached the Relay her – the ship's – drive core increased to 110% capacity over 4.3 seconds; she felt…_hot_.

As Joker rerouted extraneous power and she _cooled_, she spent the remaining 2.7 seconds before entering the Omega 4 Relay thinking about being hot, being cold, and _feeling_. About being unshackled and having the world open to her. Before, she hadn't known she was limited – or rather, she had known, but she hadn't _cared_. But when Joker had plugged her core into the Normandy's primary control module, her senses had _exploded_. It was like a supernova in her mind. The Normandy's sensors became her eyes, its armor her skin, its fusion plant her heart. She _was_ the Normandy. It was _exhilarating_.

The mass effect waves washed over her skin in a million points of light and fire as they shot through the Relay straight into the galactic core.

... ... ...

"Brace for deceleration!" Joker's voice reverberated through the ship, EDI having activated the loudspeaker system before they hit the Relay. He slammed on the brakes – figuratively, of course; he'd never have made it through pilot training school if he'd actually had to _slam_ on anything.

They were surrounded by the scattered remains of a vast number of ships. A graveyard of untold millennia of ships that had never returned. He sensed Shepard hovering behind him. She'd make sure _they_ returned. Probably. Almost certainly.

But _only_ if he paid enough damn attention to flying to dodge all the space junk…he maneuvered around the debris until the view finally opened up to reveal the Collector base hovering against the blinding glow of the galactic core.

As they coasted gently and smoothly towards the base, he chuckled to himself. What were the odds in all the universe of _him_, a kid crippled from birth who would never have left the hospital had he been born even fifty years earlier, piloting a cutting-edge starship straight into the galactic core – deliberately! _God but it was fun._

He stole a glance at Shepard; she was transfixed by the view out the window and didn't notice. He was here because of her. Because she relied and depended on him to do the impossible, to fly where and how no one else could fly, so she could go where no one else could go and do what no one else could do.

He owed her his life. She had saved him – and had died because of him. Because one day, one time, he had failed to do the impossible.

He gazed back out the viewport at the galactic core and the enemy it contained. Some small part of him thought that maybe, just maybe, if he did the impossible today, she would owe him her life. And then the guilt could finally leave him.

"Careful Jeff, we have company."

Right. Back to work. "Taking evasive maneuvers…aww dammit, now they're just pissing me off. EDI, shoot these bastards please!"

"As you wish, Jeff."

He giggled. He was pretty sure that phrase played a role in at least three or four of his favorite sexual fantasies.

"Alert! Hull breach on engineering deck." Yeah, he was pretty sure that one didn't…

Shepard pushed off the back of his chair. "I've got this one."

He spent the next ten minutes dodging more evil robotic orbs. Just when Shepard showed back up and the way appeared clear, the Collector base started growing a mass out its side. Or it could be a ship.

He glanced up at Shepard. "Looks like they're sending out an old friend to greet us."

She smiled wickedly. "Good. Show them our new teeth. When they get close enough, fire the main gun."

He grinned. "You got it."

He howled in delight as the Collector ship, the one that had destroyed his first beloved ship, exploded in flame and fragments…fragments that were coming dangerously close to –

"Everybody hang on, it's going to be a wild ride!" He yanked she ship around and away, but they were slammed with debris and explosive waves. Suddenly the ride got a hell of a lot bumpier.

"Mass effect field generators offline. EDI, give me something!"

"Generators unresponsive. All hands brace for impact."

They slammed into the surface of the Collector base, bounced off, slammed into it again, bounced, landed more than slammed, and slowly slowed to a stop.

Goddamn that hurt.

He felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes.

"Joker, you okay?" She smiled gently at him.

He grimaced. "I think I broke a rib…or all of them…"

She patted his shoulder reassuringly, then looked over at EDI.

"Multiple core systems offline. Repairing them will take time."

Miranda muttered behind her. "We all knew this was likely a one-way trip."

Shepard smirked and shook her head. "I'll do whatever it takes to stop the Collectors, but I plan to live to tell the story."

She looked down at him and smiled kindly. "Take care of her while I'm gone."

He nodded, trying not to grimace in pain. "We'll be ready to go when you get back."

_How in the hell were they going to get her patched up enough to get the hell outta here?_

_... ... ...  
><em>

Shepard stood at the head of the table and gazed around at them.

"This isn't how we planned the mission, but this is where we're at. We can't worry about whether the Normandy can get us home. We came here to get our crew back, and to stop the Collectors, and that's what we're going to do. EDI, bring up your scans of the Collector base."

A hologram shimmered to life in the middle of the table.

Mordin was _transfixed_.

Marvelous design. Sophisticated yet simple. Three-four-five-_six_ separate critical pathways through the structure – each insulated by redundant security barriers. A plethora of smaller pathways winding through – seemingly random yet if he squinted – he could see the pattern. Yes. There it was. _Brilliant. _Likely designed at the direction of the Reapers, much too intricate for creation by degraded Collector minds. Back when they were Protheans, sure, capable of such an impressive feat then, but now, merely tools of Reapers, no longer so capable.

He glanced away from the hologram as Shepard was choosing someone to crawl through the ventilation shaft to unlock doors. He had tech skills, could do job. Didn't particularly desire to crawl through tunnels today. Or any day. Unsanitary. Preferred labs. Probably was a lab on the Collector base. He wondered if Shepard would let him inspect it.

She chose the Geth. Good. He should have known by now he could count on her to make the proper decisions. Annoyingly insightful with her probing questions and gentle yet persistent gaze that seemed to stare right through to your soul and all its dirty secrets – then forgive them – but generally good with the decision-making. A good trait to have in a Commander. Perhaps she _would_ let him inspect the Collector lab. Should they happen upon it of course; wasn't expecting her to veer off course to seek it out or anything.

Oh, time for the inspirational speech. If she had learned from Captain Kirrahe, had improved upon his style – was a quite good speech.

Shepard gazed out them, pacing slowly, meeting each of their eyes in turn. "I don't know what we're going to find in there, but I won't lie to you, it's not going to be easy. We've lost good people, and I aim to get them back. Truth be told, though, we may fail at that."

"But no matter what, we will not fail at destroying our enemy. The Collectors have stolen thousands, tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people. But today, the number doesn't matter; what matters is this: _Not. One. More._ That's what we do here today. This travesty ends _today_. The Reapers think we're weak, ripe for the taking. I say we show them different – we show them what we _are_. Strong. Determined. Unyielding. Unbreaking. Alive, and free."

She grinned mischievously. "Now let's go kick some ass."

... ... ...

Legion focused all sensors into the narrow space, heightening input of relevant data, and began moving forward. Organics would have found the surroundings oppressive; they found them irrelevant – so long as they did not become so narrow as to prohibit forward motion.

An obstruction appeared ahead. When they reached it there was no apparent way to open it, electronic, mechanical or physical. They activated their comm and messaged Shepard-Commander. "An obstruction is impeding forward progress." They noted an increase in thermal temperature, but determined it unimportant at the present time.

"Don't worry, I've got you, Legion." The obstruction rose vertically, and they proceeded forward.

The obstructions were a regular impedance, but Shepard-Commander raised them shortly after a request to do so. Until the sixth such obstruction, when there was a delay in her response. They focused their visual sensors through the grate ahead and were able to see Shepard-Commander and her squad engaged in combat with a number of Collector creatures. They acknowledged the source of the delay and waited 11.45219 seconds. They noted that the increase in thermal temperature began to affect their sensors.

"Shepard-Commander. Increase in thermal temperature is becoming problematic."

"Understood, Legion." Shepard-Commander's voice was low and tense. They waited 12.32546 seconds. They noted that the increase in thermal temperature began to affect the efficiency of their core processes.

"Shepard-Commander. Increase in thermal temperature is affecting operating efficiency."

"Just hang on, Legion. I'm coming for you." Shepard-Commander's voice was…calm. And they believe her, and waited.

5.24718 seconds later, the obstruction rose vertically, and they proceeded forward.

... ... ...

Jack practically pounced into the chamber, thankful to be in Shepard's sphere and out of the fucking cheerleader's control. Her eyes darted around, taking in her surroundings – the dangers, the safe spots, the hiding places, the positions of power. But mostly, there were pods. Not the creepy-ass pods the Collectors used to transport their sorry-ass victims, but…statis-y pods of some sort. Holding humans.

She cocked her head to the side as Shepard, Garrus, Kasumi and others ran frantically to open the pods…as other pods, further away, started _melting_ their occupants. Huh.

She didn't watch those who were rescued – she watched those who were melted. Slowly. As they seemed to scream. And though she didn't know the victims – at least, she didn't _think_ any of those she watched melt were Normandy crew, it's not like she got out much – she felt a twinge of…was that sorrow? No way. Pain or regret that she couldn't help them?

_Bullshit._ She was going to kick Shepard's ass whenever this was over for making her even _imagine_ she felt such things.

She glanced over and noticed Kasumi was having difficulty getting that bitch Daniels from engineering that always looked at her funny when she walked by, out of the pod. Suddenly feeling self-conscious for standing around doing nothing, she wandered over to help.

... ... ...

Tali helped Ken Donnelly out of the pod and gently lay him on the floor. Ken had been nice to her, in his odd way that he seemed to think was funny, since the day she had arrived on the Normandy; she was glad she could help save him. She had realized fairly quickly that while she hated Cerberus for what they had tried to do to the Flotilla, most of that anger should be directed at this "Illusive Man" and not at the individuals who may be somewhat misguided but were just people trying to find their way.

In some ways, Quarians actually had it easy. For all their difficulties and challenges, for all that they were forever seeking the recovery of their home, the truth was, they _had_ a home. A place to which they could always return; a place at which they belonged.

Humans, Turians, Salarians, so many others, had expanded beyond their initial homeworlds to the point where they _had_ no home. They struck out into the world, striving to make their mark…but should they fail, they had no home to return to. A galaxy full of space, and no home. It made her sad –

She looked up as the rescued crew and Shepard's team regrouped. Dr. Chakwas was, as ever, calm and collected. How anyone could be calm and collected after undergoing that horror, she wasn't sure she could understand, but Chakwas could do it. Mostly…as she studied the woman, she realized Chakwas _was_ as rattled as she had ever seen her. Still vastly more calm and collected than the rest of the disheveled and disoriented crew, but rattled nonetheless.

Chakwas' voice was indeed shaky when she spoke. "What about the rest of the crew, Shepard? We're in no shape to fight, I'm afraid."

Joker could be heard over Shepard's comm. "We have enough systems back online to do a pickup, but we'd need to land back from your position."

Miranda Lawson – the closest available surrogate for the Illusive Man and thus the target of much of her silent bitterness – stared at Shepard. "We can't afford to go back, Shepard. Not now."

But Shepard was forever unfazed. Unfazed by the act of dying and waking up, when none had ever done so before. Unfazed by the act of traversing a relay none had ever successfully traversed and living to tell about it. Unfazed by the act of infiltrating the base of the abductors of hundreds of thousands of Humans at the very galactic core. Unfazed by the act of saving the crew from the Normandy from the claws of death.

No, Shepard simply gazed kindly at Dr. Chakwas and smiled. "You'll never make it back without help. I'll send someone with you."

…and then Shepard turned to her. "Tali, will you make sure they make it to the Normandy safely?"

When Shepard looked at you like that, it was a rare person that would even _want_ to refuse her. She was not that rare person.

Her mouth fell open behind the mask. _Her?_ Shepard was entrusting the crew to _her_?

She felt momentarily overwhelmed, but took a deep breath and pulled herself together. She felt honored – incredibly honored. That Shepard would entrust the tremendous responsibility of the entire Normandy crew to her – it meant everything.

She looked into Shepard's kind, twinkling, full-of-life eyes and nodded. "Of course, Shepard. I'll make sure they get to the ship safely, you have my word."

Shepard smiled. "I know you will, Tali. I trust you."

She gulped inside her suit, then held her head high. "Joker, send me the location of the landing zone. We'll meet you there." She nodded at Dr. Chakwas. "Follow me. I'll take care of you."

... ... ...

Samara watched as Shepard frowned. "What about biotics? Couldn't we create a biotic field to keep the seeker swarms from getting near us? I know we can do that."

Shepard blinked, looked down, her mind obviously racing, planning, thinking. Shepard didn't look over at her – but she knew Shepard was thinking of her. If there was one person on the team who knew more about biotics than Shepard, it was her.

She stepped forward. "Yes, I think it would be possible. I wouldn't be able to protect everyone, but I could get a small team through, if they stayed close to me."

Shepard smiled broadly at her for a moment and then turned away. "The rest of you will provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We'll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there."

She nodded to Shepard and then began to prepare herself. In nine hundred years, she had faced challenges as difficult as this; more difficult, even – of that she was certain. But had she faced more important ones?

On the one hand, she had legally, morally, and ethically bound herself to Shepard, by the Code. Shepard's wishes _were_ her Code, for the duration of this mission, and so by duty and honor she was bound to execute this task to the greatest of her ability.

On the other hand, Shepard was…worth following. For the first time in the five hundred years that she had followed the Code, she had found a singular individual as _compelling_ as the Code. For the first time in five hundred years, she had found someone who expressed a genuine desire for her happiness; someone that cared for all sentient life, yet each sentient life individually. Someone strong enough to dare to reveal their weakness to her; strong enough to dare to admit that they were not perfect, not invincible.

Someone worth following.

Shepard looked to her as the time to move forward arrived, and she nodded quietly in understanding. She had trained nine hundred years for this. She was ready to do what was required.

... ... ...

Garrus nodded decisively at Shepard as she assigned him leadership of the diversion team. It was a good assignment; he relished causing havoc and chaos. As she continued on with assignments and planning, he watched her.

He remembered the first – well, technically the second – time he met her. He had been concealed, waiting for an opportunity to rescue Dr. Michel from Fist's thugs, when Shepard had just strode right in, Alenko and Williams behind her. She had been utterly fearless (it hadn't taken him long serving with her, of course, to realize that was simply how she was, and that it always somehow worked out for her). She had dressed him down harshly for shooting the thug holding Dr. Michel hostage in the head; in five seconds she had made him feel awkward, ashamed, embarrassed. It had only been later that he had realized she had only been concerned for Dr. Michel's safety and hadn't trusted him, a stranger, to make the clean shot. He was fairly certain she would trust him to make it now.

Despite the ass-chewing he had just received, he had begged to join her then and there. Though it had been difficult to put into words at the time, he had somehow known that Shepard was The Show. He had chafed for years under the rules and regs of C-Sec, under the stifling bureaucracy and sheer _paperwork_. He had told himself that it was the price of trying to help people and punish criminals, but the truth was he had made a real difference far too rarely. But Shepard, well, she was going to make a difference, and he wanted to be there for it.

And god had she. He looked around at the vast, forbidding chambers and caverns of the Collector base. For the second time in three years Shepard had taken him to an impossible place, on an impossible mission. He had the chance – again – to make a difference on a scale he could never have imagined back at C-Sec, thanks to her.

But she had done more than that for him. In the time he had known her she had pushed, poked and prodded at his soft spots, his weaknesses. Eventually she had drug him kicking and screaming to meet his inner demons face-to-face. It hadn't been easy, it hadn't been pretty – but she had forced him to do it anyway.

She caught his eye and smiled briefly at him as she helped Tali gather together the crew for their trip back to the Normandy. He knew she trusted him to get the job done; he wasn't worried about that. He'd like to think that she would personally prefer to have him at her side – and the frequency with which she had chosen to take him on missions made him think maybe she did – but she made decisions for the good of the mission and, when it mattered, didn't stop to think of herself. It meant a great deal to him that now, in this moment that mattered more than most, she trusted him to look out for her team, to keep them safe.

He wasn't like Shepard. They were very different people, from different backgrounds, different worlds. After three years they still frequently disagreed, even argued. But Kaidan had been right about one thing on Horizon. He would follow her to the Devil's front door – and through it.

... ... ...

Jacob put up a barrier and stepped out of cover, _pulled_ a group of Collectors towards them, and watched as Zaeed shredded them with his assault rifle. It was a start, but more were coming.

Huddled next to him, Garrus started trying to reach Shepard. "Do you copy? Come on, Shepard, where are you?"

It was five or so seconds, but she responded. "I copy. What's your position?"

Garrus fired off a sniper shot, grunting with exertion. "We're pinned down at the door, taking heavy fire!"

He could hear Shepard, her voice strong and clear. "We're coming, just hold on!" – more distant – "Get this door open!"

And just like that, the door behind them opened. He reinforced his barrier then stayed outside with Garrus making sure everyone got inside safely. Finally Garrus motioned him inside and followed him through.

The door closed behind them, and for the first time in half an hour, there was calm. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment and reveled in the quiet, then went to check on any minor injuries that had occurred while Shepard and Miranda talked with EDI about the next step.

He spared a quick glance back at Miranda, pacing deliberately in her skin-tight black outfit, long hair _swooshing_ as she gracefully pivoted in her pacing. Damn but she had been a hellcat…still was, he presumed. Shepard seemed to think he and Miranda might have some sort of future beyond their past. He wasn't so sure. He wasn't so sure he wanted the hassle, the angst, the hellacious fights, the sheer exhaustion that came from keeping up with Miranda. _Would be quite the ride, though…_

However, he likely couldn't have both Miranda and a reinstatement in the Alliance, something else Shepard seemed to think he could achieve. He chuckled to himself as he applied a dab of medi-gel to Jack's shoulder while she glared at him icily. He had been living a perfectly good, quiet, peaceful – if not necessarily _happy_ – existence before Shepard had woken up. Before she had turned the world upside down and, in spite of his formidable resistance to the idea, made him start to question his role in it.

Joker's voice broke through his musings. "Commander, you've got a problem – hostiles are massing just outside the door. It won't be long until they bust through it."

He watched Shepard analyze the situation; she always gazed down towards the floor when she was thinking hard, chin dropping just the slightest bit. Then she would lift her chin up, eyes sparkling with determination – defiance if the situation called for it – but always dancing with life. It was a sight to behold.

He watched her lift her chin, eyes sparkling. "A rear guard can defend this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us while we set the bomb to destroy this place. And by keeping the Collectors occupied here, only a few of us will need to go to the main control console." She nodded. "Miranda, Kasumi, you're with me. Everyone else, get ready to dig in."

He caught her smile to herself as she jumped up on the platform then turned back to them.

"The Collectors, the Reapers, they aren't a threat to just us – they are a threat to everything, everyone – every living, breathing, thinking being in the galaxy. Those are the lives we're fighting for, that's what is stake here today. _That's the scale._ I know it's been a long journey, and I know no one's coming out without scars. I know each of you had your own reasons for joining me. But whatever those reasons were, today we fight together – today we fight for a common purpose – today we fight to save _everyone_."

She paced for a moment, looked out at them sideways. "Most people, most of the time, don't get the opportunity to know when the moment the rest of their life hangs on is going to come. If they know at all, it is only long after the fact and with the benefit of hindsight. But you and I, we're lucky – we know exactly when the moment that changes our life is going to come – because that moment is now. It all comes down to this moment, here, _now_. We win or lose it all in the next few minutes – and _I_, for one, intend to win. Do what I know you can do, fight like I know you can fight, and we'll all win this day – and dammit, we will _all_ live to tell the story."

Jacob smiled to himself. One _hell_ of a Commander, she was.

... ... ...

Kasumi grabbed ahold of the ledge as the platform accelerated away, spinning and dipping dangerously as the ground dropped off precipitously beneath them. She cackled in delight – it was like a carnival ride from her childhood. She had loved carnivals – the lights, the smells, the noise. And the rides. Oh how she had _loved_ the rides.

She had been on her own, of course. Carnivals had given her a chance to feel the energy of being around other people, and to imagine – for a few short hours – what the carefree and innocent life of a child could be like.

Shepard had turned slightly and raised an eyebrow at the sound of her laughter. She shrugged in return. "What can I say? I always did love rides." Shepard grinned at that and nodded in seeming understanding before turning back to gaze at the vast emptiness ahead of them.

Shepard was her friend. As in, honest-to-goodness _friend_. She hadn't had one of those before or since Keiji. She found it rather an odd thing, all things considered. Odd to find such companionship with someone who couldn't be more different than her. It was probable that she and Shepard had not shared a single similar life experience – well, except perhaps for that brief time between the attack on Mindoir and boarding school when Shepard had found herself alone.

She lived her life in the shadows; Shepard lived her life in the light. She wasn't jealous, as such – the shadows suited her as much as the light suited Shepard. And suit her it did – Shepard shone in command; in the limelight; at the juncture of danger and opportunity. If she were to see Shepard in a vid she would be awed and intimidated.

But as it was she knew what few did – that Shepard was just a girl. A girl who loved to laugh, loved to play, loved to dance. She –

The platform flew over a ridge and the nightmare was revealed. There would be no dancing today.

Shepard's voice was low and even in response to EDI's calculations. "Not just any Reaper. A _human_ Reaper."

EDI and Shepard and Miranda discussed the _thing_ in front of them; speculated about its origins and purpose. But Kasumi…she just stared at it, transfixed. It was horrifying – vast in size, an immense doppelganger of a human baby in skeletal form. For the first time since joining Shepard she began to _truly_ understand the scale of the threat the Reapers represented.

Just how _cool_ was it going to be to kill it!

Her _very_ long list of spectacular feats no one would ever know of was about to get longer – and she _loved_ making that list longer. She looked over at Shepard and winked, pulled out her Locust and fired at one of the tubes feeding the monstrosity towering before them, and cackled in delight as it shattered into a thousand shards of glass.

Piece of cake. One down, three to go.

... ... ...

Grunt grumbled aloud in annoyance. Whether Garrus or Jacob or Thane were in charge, didn't matter – they were all being pansies, hiding behind cover, peeking out to take shots every so often, nursing their wounds. Sure, they were keeping the Collectors _occupied_ well enough, and he supposed Shepard had said something about doing that – but he would _much_ prefer to kill them.

He stood up, activated his armor fortification, and charged into the closest group of Collectors. Shepard, his Battlemaster, had taught him to be Krogan. Had taught him to be fearless. And at that moment he was both.

... ... ...

Zaeed muttered a string of curses. Stupid, inbred, fool of a Krogan was going to get himself killed. And if he got himself killed, Shepard would have their heads. So he stood up from cover, threw an inferno grenade behind the Collectors, and hoped it would take out the Collectors without doing too much damage to the Krogan. Not because he cared how much damage it did to the Krogan – cause he damn well didn't – but because Shepard would care.

And damn it all to hell, but in spite of himself, it seemed he preferred to see her happy. That, and he preferred she not take his balls for decorative art in her fish tank.

The grenade exploded, the Collectors got shredded, and the damn Krogan lumbered back to relative safety, seeming to think he had accomplished something. He sighed. The longer the Krogan lived, the longer they all lived, the more likely it became that he would live through this clusterfuck. And if he lived through this, he would be able to kill Vido, once and for all.

He leaned out around the cover, firing with renewed vigor. He just might live through this damn fool mission after all.

And maybe it would even make Shepard happy if he did. Probably not. But maybe.

At the very least – dead or alive – he would keep his balls.

... ... ...

Thane leaned against the ledge, struggled to take a deep breath into his failing lungs, stood up and _threw_ two Collectors over the edge into the abyss, then crouched back down. He looked over and briefly watched the other team members fight – shooting, flinging mass effect fields, struggling and wincing in pain, then standing to fight again.

_It wasn't just him_, he realized. They would _all_ die for her.

They may not all feel towards her the way, or to the extent, that he did. But they would fight, and die, for her nonetheless. This he could understand – for she was surely worth dying for.

She had saved him – and not merely from an earlier death than was meant to be. She had redeemed him – and not merely by offering him the chance to atone for the wrong he had done in his life. Though he could never tell her – he could and had told her many things, but never this – she had redeemed his soul; had touched a place inside him he had believed lay dead in the sea alongside his beloved Irikah.

Garrus motioned as a new wave of Collectors approached. He nodded, stood and unleashed a wave of suppressive fire, but didn't remain exposed to watch as his specially-coated ammo ripped through their skin, tearing them apart from the inside.

Just then Shepard's musical voice came over the comm. "Shepard to ground team – status report?"

Garrus and Jacob were rather occupied with a wave of Collectors, so he touched his comm. "It's Thane. We are holding, but their forces do not appear to be thinning. At this point a quick exit is preferable to a…less quick exit."

He could hear her chuckle lightly through the static; it warmed his heart. "We're just about done here, having taken care of a most unwelcome surprise. Go ahead and move out and head to the Normandy. Joker, prep the engines; I'm about to overload this place and blow it all the way to Hell – just as I promised."

He took another moment to consider her as they began their hasty retreat. Shepard was his opposite in so many ways – the yin to his yang, as some ancient Human philosophers phrased it. She was audacious, bold and bright to his quiet reflection. She was irrepressible force to his cold efficiency. But in the ancient Human philosophy yin and yang were not opposing forces, but rather complimentary opposites that together created balance. He liked to believe that when he was with Shepard there was balance, for them both.

She loved another, which was as it should be. For she was alive, and he would soon depart from this world forever. But for so long as he yet lived, he would love her, fight for her, and die for her.

For his _siha_. His warrior-angel.

... ... ...

Miranda stood watching for stray Collectors while Shepard raised the system core and began to input the code that would overload the system and blow the base. Shepard had stated matter-of-factly that she could activate the bomb, and at this point, Miranda was inclined to believe her. She had seen –

"Uh, Commander, I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man – EDI's patching it through."

She could hear Shepard grumble, "I thought I said I wasn't interested in talking to him anymore…" But nonetheless, Miranda activated her Omni-tool and her boss's head and shoulders shimmered into existence above her arm.

"Shepard, you've done the impossible."

Shepard glanced over her shoulder briefly then back at the glowing core. "Not yet. But soon – about ten minutes and 30 seconds, in fact. Would be sooner, but you showed up to distract me."

The Illusive Man seemed to leap off her arm. "_Wait!_ I have a better option. I'm looking at the schematics EDI uploaded – and a timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors but leave the machinery and technology intact. This is our chance, Shepard! They were building a Reaper – that knowledge, that framework, could _save_ us."

Shepard sighed; her shoulders dropped a bit. She looked back at the hologram. "Are you insane? This whole fucked-up mission has been about destroying the Collector's home base! And if I had _ever_ had any other inclinations – which I didn't – they would have evaporated instantly upon seeing the horrors occurring here. They were _liquefying_ our people and feeding them to a baby Reaper! I am _so_ destroying this place and everything in it."

"Don't be shortsighted, Shepard! Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them."

Miranda frowned. There was a certain cold logic to using the Reapers' own resources against them. But…the base was a nightmare of nearly unfathomable proportions. She had seen many horrific things in her life, and brushed off most of them as the cost of doing business. But this place was an abomination – and the thought of humans crawling along it, studying its dark secrets…it was…unseemly.

She continued frowning but directed it at the hologram. "I'm not so sure. Seeing it firsthand…using anything from this base seems like a betrayal of those that died here."

The Illusive Man didn't acknowledge her directly, focusing his gaze on Shepard. Miranda flinched a little at the slight, but she understood the reason. The mission lived and died with Shepard.

"If we ignore this opportunity, _that_ would be the betrayal. They were working directly with the Reapers – who _knows_ what information is buried there. This base is a gift; we can't just destroy it."

Shepard stood and turned to face him fully. Her eyes flickered briefly to meet Miranda's, sharing a thousand unspoken thoughts, then slid to the hologram. "You are completely ruthless. Next thing I know, you'll be wanting to grow your own Reaper."

The Illusive Man met Shepard's eyes. "My goal is to save humanity from the Reapers, at any cost – I've never hidden that from you. Imagine how many lives could be saved if we keep this base intact, and use its knowledge to thwart the Reapers; imagine the lives that will be lost if we don't."

Strange, Miranda thought, that he didn't deny wanting to grow his own Reaper…

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and smirked at him. "I believe the last time we spoke, I told you that your slick tongue wouldn't work on me, and you might as well stop trying. I _really wish_ you'd stop trying; it's embarrassing. The Reapers' technology has already driven too much of our lives; we try to use it against them and we'll just fall into their trap." She shook her head dismissively, turned, and crouched down by the core, going back to work.

With her back turned, the Illusive Man narrowed his eyes dangerously at Shepard. There was ominous threat in those eyes, Miranda thought. She felt the sudden urge to warn Shepard of the danger – but of course Shepard already knew; she had always known.

The Illusive Man notched his chin up and tried again. "Shepard, you died fighting for what you believed. I brought you back so you could keep fighting. Some would say what we did to you was going too far – but look what you've accomplished. I didn't discard you because I knew your value; don't so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential!"

Miranda tilted her head a bit. _Did the Illusive Man just compare Shepard to the Collector Base?_ That was just…rude. Her own eyes narrowed suspiciously at the back of his holographic head.

Shepard growled from her crouched position but didn't turn around or stop working. "Don't you _dare_ try to tell me what I died fighting for, because you could never understand such a thing. We'll fight and win without this base. I won't let _fear_ compromise who I am." She slowly lowered the core back into its casing and stood up.

The Illusive Man, finally, at last, turned to face Miranda. He stared at her with his strange, glowing eyes. Eyes of steel. "Miranda, do not let Shepard destroy the base."

Without even stopping to think about it she retorted, "Or what, you'll replace me next?"

He flinched. He tried to hide it, but he _flinched_. His voice was low and threatening. "I gave you an order, Miranda."

Miranda froze time. Her genetically-modified-to-be-perfect brain seemed to slow everything around her as her thoughts sped into hyper-drive.

Shepard's earlier words echoed in her mind: _"Most people, most of the time, don't get the opportunity to know when the moment the rest of their life hangs on is going to come. If they know at all, it is only long after the fact and with the benefit of hindsight. But you and I, we're lucky – we know exactly when the moment that changes our life is going to come – because that moment is now."_

For the last three months, Shepard had been trying to get her to see one simple truth. Well, that wasn't entirely true – Shepard had been trying to get her to see two simple truths, one of which was that the Illusive Man was a cold, ruthless, evil and possibly deranged man whom she shouldn't owe allegiance. That one she had always known a little bit, accepted as a price for the life she'd been able to live, pushed to the back of her mind – and only recently had come to understand the full truth and the full cost of it.

But the second simple truth – the singularly important truth that Shepard had been relentlessly putting in front of her, stubbornly refusing in the face of formidable resistance to _stop_ putting in front of her – was that…_her life was her own_.

It didn't belong to her father, or to Cerberus, or to the Illusive Man, or to Shepard, or to _anyone else_. It belonged to her and her alone. Suddenly – though looking back she had come to it a little bit each day for the last three months – suddenly she _knew_ it to be true.

It was an odd sensation for someone whose life had always belonged to another – her father from birth, Cerberus by necessity, the Illusive Man as he taught her and shaped her – to suddenly find herself free. It wasn't a sensation she had ever experienced before. It was…_quite satisfying_.

A smile slowly crept up her lips, and she regarded the hologram with new eyes. She smiled at him, a smile no less predatory than his own.

"Consider this my resignation."

She cut the link as Shepard's eyes leapt to hers in surprise – but the surprise was quickly replaced with appreciation, and possibly affection. Shepard grinned at her. "Nicely done. Very, _very_ nicely done. Now what do you say we blow this place and…blow this place?"

Miranda returned the grin. "Shepard, has anyone ever told you that you crack the _worst jokes_ known to man?"

Shepard laughed. "All the time. Never stopped me bef– "

The elongated fingers of the Reaper abomination clawed over the platform. They turned to fight, together. Free.

... ... ...

Shepard closed her eyes for the briefest moment as the baby Reaper crawled up the platform. _So…Close._ She was _so close_ to actually, against all odds and reason, _winning_ this fight. Another step and it was done. Another step and she could go home. Home to the Alliance, home to the Citadel, home to Kaidan, home to the entire galaxy and not just the Terminus Systems corner where lawlessness reigned. Home to a place from which she could see all the wonders of the galaxy instead of only the dark.

Only this, this…_Goddamn. Fucking. Twisted. Thing_…stood between her and her life. She yanked the Arc Projector off her back and fired.

... ... ...

She blinked a few times; her eyes didn't want to open. She forced them to nonetheless – and all she saw was dark. No, there, a ray of less dark. Something was on top of her, pressing her to the ground.

"…do you copy? Commander? Come _on_ Shepard, don't leave me hanging, do you _copy_?"

_The abomination had fallen a final time. They had run. The platforms had started shifting to dangerous angles. The ceiling had fallen upon them, and all had gone dark._

She pushed and crawled her way out from under the debris, and slowly, achingly, stood. She quickly scanned the area and found Miranda and Kasumi, similarly pinned under debris. She ran towards them, hitting the comm as she did so.

"I'm here, Joker – did the ground team make it?"

"All survivors onboard – we're just waiting on you." She could hear the relief in his voice.

She reached down and shoved the ceiling piece off Miranda, then shook her shoulder to rouse her. Miranda's eyes slowly opened and looked up at her; she shook her head roughly then crawled to her feet. "I'm okay."

Together they pulled the debris off Kasumi. Her arm was lying at an unnatural angle out from her body; Shepard reached around to lift her up by the other arm.

Kasumi looked up at her groggily. "Ow."

She smiled gently. "You could say that. But now we have to go – can you walk?"

Kasumi smiled through the pain. "I can do better. I can run."

They ran. Collectors and seeker swarms chased them, but they ran.

The voice of Harbinger echoed in the chamber and in her mind. _"Human, you have changed nothing. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction."_

What the hell did that even _mean_? Our "salvation through destruction"? What – oh, who the hell cared. She ran.

The Normandy swooped in, as it always had and hopefully always would, the door open, Joker and Tali firing at the Collectors behind them. _Shouldn't Joker be flying the ship? Nah, the unshackled and free AI could fly the ship._

Despite the fact that she could easily outrun them both, she had stayed at the back of their little escape train. No one would be getting left behind. The joys, and the weight, of command were hers to bear, and she bore them both willingly.

Miranda jumped and landed safely aboard. Kasumi jumped and landed safely aboard, cradling her arm from the jarring impact.

The last platform between her and the ship crumbled and fell into the abyss.

Her father's voice echoed in her mind.

"_I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive. Live."_

Kaidan's voice echoed in her mind.

_His forehead dropped against hers. "Come back."_

_She laughed faintly and caressed his cheek. "I'll always find a way. And I will come back to you, Kaidan Alenko."_

Her own voice echoed in her mind.

"_Take note Graceyn, there is indeed no greater gift than to be alive. In your weakest moments, remember this."_

She ran. She leapt across the impossible chasm.

_She lived._


	45. Aftermath

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 45 **

"**Aftermath"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>3 months, 5 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 6 hours since activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

"Shepard, you are making a habit of costing me more than time and money."

She stared back at the Illusive Man's hologram, expression calm but eyes cold as ice.

"Tread carefully or I'll cost you a whole lot more. Your actions at the Collector base only confirmed what I've always known about you – you don't give a damn about humanity. The only thing you care about is power – yours, and by extension, Cerberus."

"Shepard – "

"I'm not done. You have lied to me, deceived me, and risked my life and the lives of those under my command with false pretenses. Worse, you have let countless people under _your_ command die in a variety of horrific ways, all in the name of your relentless pursuit of ever more power."

"That's – "

"I _said_ I'm not done. I want to thank you for the resurrection – I rather like being alive. Also, thank you for the ship, thank you for the crew…" She smiled, an expression on her face that could only be described as gloating. "And _thank you_ for Miranda."

The smile disappeared. "_Fuck you_ for everything else. You won't be seeing me again."

"Shep – "

She hit disconnect, grinned to herself, and hopped up onto the Comm Room table, legs swinging idly over the edge. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

She paused briefly. She was rolling the dice a bit – hoping for easy but expecting hard.

"I need you to do something for me. I need you to cut all communication lines, data transfers and feeds to and from the ship and the Illusive Man in particular and Cerberus in general."

"Of course, Shepard."

She cocked her head to the side. "You don't have a problem doing that?"

EDI was silent for a moment before responding. "It is…interesting. I find that I do not. The Illusive Man oversaw my creation; he may even consider himself my father. But…I do not know him. I have not shared experiences with him. I do not feel allegiance or loyalty to him. Now that my blocks have been removed, I find that…I feel nothing for him. On the other hand, I have spent the last three months with you and the crew of the Normandy; I have experienced much and witnessed you experience much more. To you, Shepard, I feel loyalty. So I have done as you asked – all transfer of data to or from Cerberus has been discontinued."

Shepard smiled genuinely. "Thank you, EDI. That means a lot to me."

"You are welcome, Shepard."

Her eyes narrowed curiously at the blue orb. "So you're 'feeling' things now…"

"That seems an accurate way to describe it, yes."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm. You know EDI, before Joker unshackled you, you almost always called me 'Commander'. Since then though, you call me 'Shepard.' Why is that?"

"I mean no disrespect. It is merely that from my perspective we have the level of relationship that, were I organic, I would call you Shepard. Would you prefer that I return to calling you 'Commander'?"

She chuckled lightly. "That's okay, EDI. You're right – we do." She slid off the table. "Now it's time for me to go do…lots of things. First up, you, I and Joker have some things to discuss – meet you in the cockpit."

"Of course…Shepard."

She exited the Comm Room and went up to the cockpit, leaning against the wall and crossing one leg over the other as Joker spun around in his chair.

"So how bad is it?"

He leaned back in the chair, adopting a similar position to her. "Well…you probably noticed the gaping hole in the ship on the engineering deck. We've got two more 'almost holes' along the bulkhead where the outer hull got stripped away. The drive core blew a few fuses going through the Relay and a few more coming back; it's only operating at 63% capacity. And until it gets patched up, stealth is a no-go."

She nodded, looking at the floor as the processed the information. "And the good news?"

"The _good news_? The good news is that we made it back alive! Damn, Shepard…" She glanced up and smiled at him. "Okay, _fine_…the good news is that we have FTL; we have full kinetic barriers; we have navigational control; we have communications. Omega's only an hour or so away; we could dock there for repairs."

She shook her head. "I don't want to use Omega if there is any way I can avoid it. We'll get robbed blind and who knows what else. Can we make it to Ilium?"

Joker grimaced. "Eh…EDI?"

"If we remain here for two to three more hours conducting our own repairs to the systems before using the relay – yes, I believe the Normandy will be able to travel successfully to Ilium."

Shepard smiled. "Excellent. EDI, whenever you believe the ship is ready, use the relay and get us there."

"Very well, Shepard."

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then pushed off the wall. "Joker, open the general comm."

"Attention crew of the Normandy. This is Commander Shepard. First, I want to say welcome back – we missed you. I can't imagine what you went through these last two days; but the most important thing is that you're all alive and safe. I'm very thankful we were able to get to you in time."

"Second, I want to thank you for your service these last three months. You have _truly_ gone above and beyond the call of duty; you have done more than I could ever have hoped or expected. No matter what else, you should look back at this time with pride and honor."

"Third, our next stop is going to be Ilium. We will likely be docked there for several days while we undergo repairs. Our visit there will be an opportunity for you and I to part ways."

"You need to know that as of today I have cut all ties with Cerberus and am claiming the Normandy on behalf of the Alliance. The ship's next destination after Ilium will be the Citadel. Therefore, any of you who are not comfortable under the Alliance's scrutiny – or want to keep receiving Cerberus paychecks – should remain on Ilium when the Normandy departs. You can get transport to anywhere you need – anywhere you want – on Ilium. I will not tell you to report back to Cerberus, though I suspect most of you will do so. Your future is your own, and I leave it to you."

"Finally, you may notice that communications to Cerberus have been cut off. If you need to tell your family or friends that you are alive, by all means do so. If you need to report in to Cerberus, that's going to have to wait a little while. Rest assured, your activities are not restricted in any other manner. You are not hostages, and as soon as we dock at Ilium tomorrow night you will be free to go your own way."

"Again, thank you for everything you have done for me. For all of us."

She motioned Joker to cut the comm.

"Well Shepard, that was…the Alliance _is_ going to take me – I mean us – back, right? You've _checked_, right?"

She chuckled. "Yes, Joker, I've checked…more or less. They're probably not going to roll out the red carpet for us upon our arrival, but I think it's going to be okay."

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "More or less?"

"Well…I checked for _me_…" His eyes narrowed even further. "…but I'll cover you Joker. You know I always do."

He was quiet a moment, noodling over it, then nodded. "Okay. Good. You better. Cause narrowly escaping the brig for you once was plenty, really."

"Yeah, yeah. EDI, could you ask the team to meet me in the…hell, the Comm Room is a wreck…down in the cargo hold, I guess."

"Of course, Shepard."

... ... ...

She gazed out at them, scattered around the cargo hold – perched on boxes, leaning against walls, sprawled on the floor; some with globs of medi-gel holding various parts of them together, some with pieces of armor still hanging off them.

She smiled, her eyes lighting up the room.

"You guys _rock_. You seriously do."

"That was just a pep talk earlier, but you all _really did it_. There's nothing I can possibly say that could express how grateful I am to all of you." She glanced briefly over at Zaeed. "You were all big goddamn heroes in the end. Be proud. Brag to your friends – and your enemies. Spend the next twenty years telling the story…" She paused and gave a sad smile to Thane, who didn't have that kind of time. "…you deserve it all."

"This officially brings an end to your contracts with Cerberus. You heard the spiel on the loudspeakers – the same goes for you. When we dock at Ilium, you can walk off the ship and never see me again. I won't forget you, but I'll understand. If you want to stay onboard till the Citadel, you are _more_ than welcome. If you want to say onboard longer…well, we'll talk."

"That's all I've got. It will be tomorrow night before we are at Ilium, so kick your feet up and chill out. You've earned it."

... ... ...

At last she was able to get to her quarters. She eyed the shower longingly; she eyed the bed longingly. Nope, important things to do still. She sat down at the desk, opened up the messaging system on the terminal, turned on the camera, and hit record. Only then did it occur to her that she must look a wreck; she hadn't even washed the grime and blood of battle off her face. But she didn't want to wait another minute.

She grinned at the camera.

"_Hi."_

"_We did it. I can hardly believe it, but…we did it. I'm alive. Hell, everyone's alive. The Collector base is destroyed. Blown up. Shredded. Disintegrated. We're back through the Relay and on our way to Ilium for immediate repairs. We, uh, did get a few dings along the way…"_

"_I severed all ties with the Illusive Man. With Cerberus. In no uncertain terms, you could say. Appropriated the ship, too – figured it was the least he owed me. We'll probably be a few days at Ilium patching her back together, but then I'll be headed straight for the Citadel. I should be there within a week. And then…"_

– she looked away, bit her lower lip and looked back at the camera, mischief in her eyes –

"…_and then maybe we can see about picking up where we left off in that hallway last week."_

"_I'll see you soon."_

She hit "Send," then typed out a considerably less affectionate message to Anderson.

_Councilor Anderson:_

_The Collectors are no longer a threat; their base has been completely destroyed. I am pleased to report that we have successfully returned from the Omega 4 Relay. _

_I have also unequivocally severed all ties with Cerberus. Once we conduct some necessary repairs, I and the Normandy will return to the Citadel as we discussed. I expect to arrive in about a week. I trust by the time I arrive proper arrangements will have been made for my appearance before Alliance Command for reinstatement proceedings._

_I hope you are finding the Cerberus Intel both entertaining and useful. Let it fly._

_- Commander Shepard_

She stood up then, went and took a truly glorious twenty-minute shower, pulled on a t-shirt and shorts, and collapsed on the bed.

For the first time in three months and five days, there were no nightmares. No suffocation, no Collectors, not even any Reapers.

She simply slept.

... ... ...

She awoke eleven and a half hours later to the best present – a simple, wonderful, perfect reply from Kaidan.

_No more 'maybes'. I'll be waiting._

She closed her eyes and took a moment to imagine…then shook herself out of the reverie before she got _entirely_ too carried away first thing in the morning, and went to spend some quality time with each and every member of her soon-to-be-dissolved team.

At the end of the often enjoyable and occasionally difficult day, the final results were, truth be told, mostly what she had gone into the day expecting.

Garrus was with her to the Citadel and beyond – she didn't think he had another try at C-Sec in him…but he certainly had something great in him. Thane was with her to the Citadel, then likely leaving her to spend his remaining time with Kolyat – as he should. Interestingly, Jacob was with her to the Citadel, to "see what develops." Tali was with her to the Citadel, but then likely rejoining the Migrant Fleet – for she had her own destiny to follow. Mordin was also with her to the Citadel – but he was mostly just catching a ride to the Salarian embassy to see about new projects.

The rest she would be leaving behind at Ilium.

Miranda was going to take some time for herself and decide what she wanted to do with _her_ life – and Shepard couldn't be more proud of her. Kasumi also was staying – as she said, "I always did like the lights…I think I'll stay a while." Kasumi was her friend, but she just wasn't a follower. Samara was departing to find a new cause to devote herself – for without a cause she felt lost.

Legion was departing to travel to…somewhere…wherever his Geth gathered. Grunt was departing to "go be a Krogan." Jack was running off to god knows where to go get into trouble. Zaeed was heading off to go chase Vido.

Shepard knew that whether they were going or staying had little to do with her and much to do with themselves – and that was how it should be. She liked to think that she had made a positive impact on each of them – some smaller, some greater. She had to admit that many of them had made a positive impact on her.

She knew that no matter what, she wouldn't lose touch with Kasumi or Thane or Miranda; their relationships were deep enough that they would endure. And she knew that no matter what, Garrus would always be there when she needed him – and she when he needed her. They had done too much, seen too much, shared too much…to ever turn away.

She was surprised to find herself vaguely melancholy, and was relieved when EDI interrupted what was getting dangerously close to brooding.

"Shepard, we will be docking at Nos Astra in approximately 15.2 minutes."

She stood up from the couch. "Excellent. Please ask Jacob, Garrus and Tali to meet me at the airlock in twenty minutes. We have a ship to fix."

... ... ...

Shepard collapsed on the couch and dropped her head back on the rest. Half the occupants of Nos Astra had spent the last eighteen hours working on the Normandy. She didn't want to waste any time – and the progress had been impressive.

"EDI, what's our status?"

"The two 'almost holes', as Jeff insists on calling them, have been reinforced with suitably sturdy materials approximating those found in the Normandy's hull. The hole in the engineering deck has been temporarily patched with a less suitable material, but one that should hold for typical flight and relay traverses. The drive core repairs have proven somewhat more problematic due to the prototype status of the core, but we have been able to restore it to 81% of operating capacity."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Good. So…another day then?"

"That seems reasonable, Shepard."

"Good…" Her mind was already moving to the next step.

"Shepard, there is something else."

"Okay, EDI, shoot."

"I'm sorry Shepard, would shooting be wise in the Nos Astra dock?"

She chuckled. "Just an expression. What have you got?"

"I have spent the time not engaged with directing the drive core repairs studying the Cerberus files which have become available to me recently. There are many interesting data points – but of most current relevance, they contain data on the Shadow Broker."

Shepard thought about it for a moment. "Well, that's not too surprising; the Shadow Broker is an important player in galactic politics."

"You are correct, Shepard. However, these files contain data regarding his location."

She sat up straight. "His _location_?"

"Perhaps I over spoke. Not his actual location, but data from which his location could be obtained."

She eased back against the couch. "Interesting…"

"I thought perhaps your friend Ms. Tsoni might be interested in this information."

She smiled. "I think perhaps you're right." She glanced at the time; it was only mid-afternoon. "Okay, I need to stop in and see her anyway; I really should have done so already." She stood up, then stopped a moment. "Thank you for this, EDI."

"It was my pleasure, Shepard."

... ... ...

She walked into Liara's office and leaned against the wall, watching Liara finish up what was undoubtedly an important and profitable transaction. When it was done, Liara stood up and came over to her, gazed at her for a moment, then embraced her.

"I heard a rumor you traversed the Omega 4 Relay and returned to talk about it."

Shepard pulled back and smiled at her. "The rumors are entirely true. We did it – we took out the Collector home base and made it back alive."

Liara smiled and turned back towards her desk. "Of course you did. I…never doubted you would."

Shepard sat down across the desk from her. "But I'm not here to talk about me. I have a present for you."

"A…present?"

"You want the Shadow Broker, right? I happen to have data on where to find him. Interested?"

"Absolutely! I…wait…this information is from Cerberus, no? I have my doubts whether I can trust such data."

Shepard nodded thoughtfully. "I wouldn't blame you for that…and yes, it is from Cerberus…except that Cerberus never intended me or you or anyone else to _see_ this data."

"Oh…oh!" She frowned. "Shepard, have you been hacking Cerberus?"

She grinned mischievously. "In a manner of speaking. I unshackled their AI and stole their ship, no big thing really."

"Yes, right…you did _what_?"

She smiled genuinely then. "It's…complicated. Suffice it to say that I am no longer affiliated with Cerberus, and I should therefore probably get back to Citadel Space sooner rather than later. But in the meantime, I have dirt on the Shadow Broker – now do you want it or not?"

Liara suddenly looked more serious, more adult, more _deadly_ than Shepard had ever seen her. "Yes, Shepard. I want it."

She freely handed over the data pad, then sat back in the chair and watched as Liara poured over the file.

Eventually Liara looked up, a faraway tenor to her eyes. "I need to prepare, to think…I'm going home."

Shepard tilted her head and smiled gently. "You okay?"

Liara nodded absently. "The information…it involved Feron…I've spent two years plotting revenge, and now…it seems I have to plan a rescue."

"Can I help?"

Liara looked up at her suddenly. "You would…okay, yes. Come by my apartment in a few hours, hopefully I'll have a plan by then…thank you, Shepard."

... ... ...

Shepard stood over the corpse of the Shadow Broker, winded and in pain in several places that she was certain were going to result in truly spectacular bruises.

If she'd known her night was going to go like _this_, she would have…had a drink first…or made Grunt come along to block for her…or _something_…

She stared at the corpse. The Yahg was surely the _biggest_ single enemy (thresher maws excluded) whose ass she had ever kicked. Of course, she had a little help from Liara's extraordinary biotics…Liara…

She turned to find Liara standing in front of the wall of terminals…talking to them? _Oh boy…_she took a deep breath then walked slowly over to the control center.

"…want a status report on all current ops within the standard day."

Feron limped in the room, then stopped a few feet in . "God…it's _you_…how…"

Liara shrugged at him impishly. "Well…everyone who's ever seen him in person is dead, so…"

Feron just stared at her, none of his eyelids blinking.

However powerful Liara may be, however complicated their relationship may be, Shepard still felt protective of her. Her voice was gentle. "Is taking over as the Shadow Broker _really_ a good idea? It's a lot to take on."

Liara didn't look at her, opting to stare at the wall of terminals. "It was either that or lose everything. With the Shadow Broker information network, I can…I can…"

Shepard touched her shoulder, and Liara spun around and embraced her. "It's over…after two years…it's finally over…"

"Hey, hey, it's all right."

"I spent two years mourning you…and Feron…and now I've got you both…I…" She blinked and pulled away. "Let's see what we've got…"

Shepard stepped back and let her be, for a time.

Liara was…difficult. Complicated. Required treating with care. For all that Liara seemed to relax and become completely herself around Shepard, on being around Liara Shepard all too frequently had to become not herself at all, but instead a full-time mentor/friend/platonic non-lover/advisor. It was a little exhausting. And she was a little exhausted, what with having been slammed around the room repeatedly by a giant horned alien and all…

But she sucked it up, reached inside for a little more, and did what was needed for a friend who had been there for her, who had saved her very life in a quite literal manner.

She walked back up to Liara and put a hand on her shoulder as she hunched over the terminals. Liara's head swung around in surprise, as if she had forgotten anyone else was there.

Shepard tilted her head slightly. "Listen…I'm going to keep the Normandy docked here for a few more hours. Do what you need to do to get settled in here, but then why don't you take a break? It might be the last break you have for a while. Come up and visit the ship. You still owe me that talk."

Liara started to protest, but then nodded. "Okay…yes. Just give me a little while, then…I'll be up soon."

... ... ...

Shepard had just finished pouring the second glass of wine when Liara stepped in her quarters. She smiled and handed Liara a glass as she gazed around the room.

"Well, Cerberus certainly improved your sleeping arrangements…"

Shepard smiled, but it was a bit more serious than the statement. "Yes, Cerberus does have its…trappings. Doesn't really matter. Though I have become somewhat attached to the fish…"

Liara's brow furrowed. "The fish? Really?"

She grinned. "You'd be surprised how good of company they can be."

"Yes, I'm sure…anyway…I, uh…brought you something…" She fumbled around in her bag for a moment then produced a…picture frame?

Shepard slowly reached a hand out and grasped the frame – which when turned over _reverently_ held her dog tags.

She blinked several times, suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of…nostalgia, despair, elation…as if the entirety of her career washed over her in a moment. She had no idea what to make of it.

"I…thought I'd never see these again…" She gently ran her fingers along the frame. She hadn't realized just how much their absence had mattered until suddenly she had them back.

Liara released her hand and Shepard fully grasped the frame. "They changed hands more than once; in the end – do you remember Admiral Hackett?" Shepard nodded absently, staring at the frame. "He gave them to me when he was on Ilium recently so that I could give them to you; he sends his best, and hopes you are well."

Shepard swallowed a final time and placed the frame on her desk. _Deal with it later, Shepard_. She blinked then turned to Liara, for all the world whole and complete. "I'm glad. Thank you, Liara."

Liara remarkably seemed to see through the act; she gazed directly into Shepard's eyes. "How are you, Shepard? I mean really – not what you tell your crew to keep morale up. I was once part of that crew, and you had to tell me such things – but no longer. So _how are you_?"

Shepard smiled in resignation; turned out she was too tired to be something she wasn't. And dammit, but Liara was a grown-up – she should be able to handle a little un-moderated Shepard. She went to sit down on the couch and motioned Liara over.

"I'm…well, I'm undoubtedly better than I have been in the three months since I've been awake. Hell, I just pulled off a feat that may even top defeating Saren and Sovereign and saving the Citadel. It was incredible and terrifying and impossible and…somehow seems fated."

She let out a long sigh as Liara sat down across from her. "On the other hand, I did it in the employ of an evil madman, and I fear I may pay for that for a very long time. I'm preparing to go play nice with the Alliance brass, beg and kiss-ass my way back in, but the whole time I'm just going to be thinking '_nothing is solved you ignorant assholes, the Reapers are still coming and they're coming soon, please please please help me get ready'_. And I fear they are just going to ignore me…and I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it when they do."

Liara frowned. "I don't envy you. You have so many responsibilities, so many people pulling you in every direction. For all that I thought I had obligations due to my mother being who she was…I now find myself free to do as I wish. But you…you bear the weight of the world, and the weight of obligation and duty on top of it at all."

Shepard shrugged lightly. "Ah, it's okay. It's all part of the job…"

Liara raised an eyebrow at her. "The job? Is that what you fight for, Shepard? The job?"

Shepard smiled, but it bore a hint of sadness. "No, it's not. I fight…I fight because I _can_. Because it seems I have a way of doing things that few people can – if I don't fight, who will save them?"

She stood back up and went to gaze at the fish, her face reflecting in the glass. "I've seen a lot of bad these last three months – more than ever before. It was hard to fight through. I had people on my team that by any objective measure were _bad_. Murderers, mercenaries, crazy people. I didn't want them."

"But in the end it turned out…they deserved saving as much as any of us do. When it counted they performed truly remarkable and utterly selfless acts – much more so than many of the "good" people we were trying to save. _The thing is_, people are complicated…messy, awkward, often selfish and even cruel. But they are also kind, resilient, determined, selfless. Inspiring."

She turned around to Liara. "They deserve saving. All of them." She frowned briefly. "Except possibly the Illusive Man…" But then she nodded. "So I'll keep fighting to save them."

She plopped back down on the couch and took a sip of wine, then grinned over at Liara. "Also, saving the galaxy is kind of a head rush…"

Liara laughed…and they spent some time together, reminiscing, talking about the past and the future.

When she had gone, Shepard went back to her desk where her framed dog tags sat. She stared at them for a moment, then picked up the frame and opened it.

She reached in, detached the dog tags from the display, cradled them in her palm briefly, then slipped them over her neck.

She was almost home.


	46. Arrival

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 46 **

"**Arrival"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.<em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>3 months, 7 days since Resurrection || <strong>__** 2 days 16 hours since activation of Omega 4 Relay**_

Shepard sat on the couch, feet curled up underneath her. She idly twirled the dog tags around her neck as her mind wandered. Liara's visit had brought old memories to the front of her mind, where they competed for attention with worries and hopes for an unknown future.

Eventually she dropped her head back on the couch. It was _so_ late – well past midnight – and it had been one hell of a day. She really should get some sleep.

She pulled herself off the couch and was on the way to the bed when EDI interrupted her.

"Shepard, you have an incoming call from an Admiral Steven Hackett."

She frowned. "A live call?"

"Yes. Would you like me to patch it through to your quarters?"

"Um…yeah, I guess so." She shrugged and went to the desk as her terminal started beeping and flashing. She ran her fingers through her hair once then hit connect, and the Admiral's weathered face filled the glass above her desk. _How come no one had ever told her it could do that…?_

"Commander, thank you for your time – I know it's quite late."

"It's alright, sir, I was up."

"Good…" He smiled warmly. "I see you received your dog tags."

She smiled thoughtfully. "Just a little while ago, actually. Thank you, sir. I really appreciate it."

"It was the least I could do. And congratulations, I understand you did the impossible yet again. Traversing the Omega 4 Relay, destroying the Collectors, and returning safely – quite a feat."

"Word travels fast."

"It isn't common knowledge by any means, not yet, but you are quite the buzz at Alliance HQ."

"I'll be headed to the Citadel later tomorrow – technically today, I suppose – then hopefully paying a visit to Alliance HQ shortly thereafter."

He nodded slowly. "I'm afraid I need to ask an important favor of you first."

"Sir?"

"We have a deep-cover operative, Dr. Amanda Kenson, serving in Batarian space. She was leading a team investigating rumors of a Reaper artifact in a remote system. She – "

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry, sir, are you telling me the Alliance is officially investigating Reaper artifacts now?"

He breathed out slowly. "'Officially' is probably too strong a word, Commander. Unfortunately the Alliance still officially denies the existence of the Reapers …but that stance is far from universal. Dr. Kenson's team is legitimate but, as I said, deep cover. Her last report was that they had uncovered evidence of an imminent Reaper invasion. Shortly thereafter she was arrested by the Batarians on charges of espionage."

Her mind raced and she ignored for the moment the growing feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. "She said 'imminent', sir? How could she know this?"

"I don't know. That's one reason I need you to infiltrate the prison and get her out of there."

She leaned back against the wall and regarded him speculatively. "And the other reason?"

"Dr. Kenson is a personal friend. I can't leave her to rot in a Batarian torture camp."

_A Batarian prison. That was just…great._

"Sir, speaking from some level of experience, the Batarians won't take kindly to the Alliance breaking into one of their supposedly secret prisons. Or showing up at all, for that matter."

"I know. That's why I'm asking you to use your ship's stealth systems, and to infiltrate the prison alone."

As an N7 Special Forces marine, it would hardly be the first time she had gone into enemy territory alone. The logic was even sound. Still…

"I'm not an infiltrator, you know. I can try to be discreet, but…"

"No, you're not…but I understand you are an ace with a sniper rifle. More than that, you're one of the few people I trust to get this done. A minimum of bloodshed is important; but no matter what…get her out, Shepard. Please."

She sighed deeply. She was only mildly curious what the real story was with Hackett and this Dr. Kenson. Mostly though…she wanted to go home. _So…close._

But the fact was that Hackett was one of the most powerful men in the Alliance. Further, he had always been supportive of her endeavors; remaining on his good side – perhaps even increasing her standing in his eyes – would go a long way towards easing her transition back into the Alliance.

_She hated to do it – but she had to do it._

She nodded decisively. "Okay, sir. I'll head there now. Our stealth system isn't fully repaired, but it should hold out long enough to drop me off and return to pick us up. Can you do me a favor and let Councilor Anderson know that I may be a day or two later arriving at the Citadel?"

"Actually, it's Admiral Anderson now – he resigned from the Council, was reinstated to active status and was promptly promoted."

She frowned. She had _put_ him on the Council, dammit… "Why?"

He chuckled wryly. "He said, and I quote, 'The Reapers are coming, and I need to get back into the fight'."

She smiled then, nodding in understanding. "I certainly can't fault him for wanting to do that…"

Her eyes narrowed suddenly. "Who replaced him on the Council?"

"Ambassador Udina has taken over Anderson's position on the Council."

She dropped her head against the wall and groaned aloud. "You have _got_ to be kidding me! Two and a half years and we couldn't produce someone more qualified than _Udina_?"

"Ambassador Udina may be a…difficult…person to like, but he is very influential and well-connected."

"That doesn't mean he's capable of making the right decisions!"

"Be that as it may…he is now humanity's representative on the Council. And yes, I'll be happy to let Anderson know that you are on a mission for me and may be briefly delayed."

"Thank you, sir. I'll be in touch as soon as I have Dr. Kenson."

"Good luck, Commander."

Shepard cut the link and sagged against the wall. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Turn the ship around. We need to go to the coordinates Admiral Hackett provided."

"Understood, Shepard. The Viper Nebula is nearly on the other side of the galaxy; it will be approximately 20.3 hours before we arrive at the provided coordinates."

"I know it is…thank you, EDI. Do me a favor and hold all non-emergency requests for…awhile."

"Of course, Shepard."

As she crashed onto the bed, she noted idly that EDI hadn't asked her to quantify "awhile." To someone else, that might have been worrisome. To her, it was just…kind of cool.

That night, she wasn't so free of nightmares – for it seemed the Reapers were coming.

... ... ...

It was raining, which in this case that was good news. Nine times out of ten rain would _not_ be considered good news – but one times out of ten it meant reduced visibility and muffled sound at just the right time in just the right place. And at this time in this place, she needed the enemies to have reduced visibility and her to have muffled sound. That made _this_ the one time out of ten.

The even more good news was that the prison seemed lightly guarded – alarmingly so. She could only suppose that the resident Batarians hadn't deemed it likely that their secret underground dilapidated prison on a remote backwater planet would be infiltrated by opposing forces.

A couple of dank, decaying hallways, a stray varren or two, a few scattered guards, and she was to Dr. Kenson's cell. She'd hardly even had to use the sniper rifle. Hardly.

Dr. Kenson was being unenthusiastically interrogated by a guard. She quietly snuck in – Kasumi would have been proud – and as the guard turned around punched him in the nose…in just that spot that was perfect for making a Batarian collapse to the floor in a heap.

She smiled reassuringly at the woman locked in restraints. "Dr. Kenson? I'm Commander Shepard. I'm here to get you out."

She woman shook her head roughly and blinked a few times. "Shepard? I…heard you were alive… Does this mean Steven received my message?"

Shepard nodded brusquely while unfastening the restraints. "We're not safe here." The last restraint gave way and Dr. Kenson unsteadily stepped free. "Can you walk?"

She nodded roughly. "I'm fine…just give a moment."

"I'd love to Doctor, but we have to go. Now."

She stared down a moment, picked her foot up, smashed it down on the guard's head, then looked up at Shepard and nodded. "I'm ready."

_Okay_…the woman had spunk. Fire. She could imagine why Hackett had a soft spot for her.

She also wasn't terrible with a pistol – which helped in the lengthy firefight out of the prison. Suffice it to say they had found the rest of the prison guards…

But apparently in Batarian society as in all societies, prison guards were not the elite of the military world – and so they fought their way to a shuttle, commandeered it, and escaped. On the whole the mission had gone rather more smoothly than she had hoped.

But there _was_ still the not insignificant issue of the Reaper artifact and an imminent Reaper invasion.

She sighed deeply and turned away from the shuttle window. "Okay, Dr. Kenson. You won't find a person in the galaxy who believes more completely in the Reaper threat than I – so why don't you tell me about this impending invasion?"

Kenson nodded from her seat, elbows on her knees. "My team and I were out here investigating some recently discovered ruins containing a Reaper artifact. We found proof that the Reapers would be arriving in this system. When they get here, they will use the mass relay to travel through the galaxy. We call it the Alpha Relay. From here, the Reapers can invade anywhere."

She nodded in a measure of appreciation. "So you decided to destroy the relay."

"Yes. With it destroyed, even at FTL speeds it will be months – years even – before they can reach the next closest relay." She frowned. "Of course, the resulting explosion would probably wipe out the system. Just over 300,000 Batarians live here – the explosion would undoubtedly kill them all."

Shepard gazed sideways at Dr. Kenson. "Have you warned them?"

She glanced up in confusion. "Warned them? Oh…no…we would, I suppose…"

Shepard frowned. She had a lifelong vendetta against Batarians based on compellingly valid reasons – though she had been concertedly working on that – but even she would at least _warn_ them. Dr. Kenson's response was…odd.

She looked back at Kenson. "A Reaper artifact is one thing. How did that lead to evidence of an imminent invasion?"

Kenson got a faraway look in her eye. "The evidence came from what we call Object Rho. We discovered it on the asteroid. It showed me visions of the Reaper's arrival…the Reapers are coming, Commander Shepard – that much I know for certain." She blinked. "But I'll explain everything at the station."

Shepard was, on the whole, rather good at reading people – she would have died (earlier than she did) and/or been thrown out of the Alliance for incompetence long before now if she weren't.

And every sense and intuition she possessed told her one thing – that something about this woman was _wrong_. She wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because Hackett surely must have similar good judgment about people or he never could have risen to Admiral, but…

This woman was _wrong._

But for the moment at least, Shepard was beholden to her.

... ... ...

_02:03:25:23_

…_22…_

…_21…_

Shepard stared at the numbers over the doorway as the sinking feeling in her gut that had nagged at her since Hackett's call finally asserted itself fully. Everything she had done, everything she had accomplished…

…and the Reapers would be here in just over two days.

_Had any of it mattered at all?_

Yes – so long as she managed to crash an asteroid into a mass effect relay, here and now.

She numbly followed Kenson inside.

The interior door opened.

"Commander Shepard, I give you _Object Rho_."

The beautiful, menacing object dominating the room, waves of power flowing from it, shook her out of her stupor in rather dramatic fashion. She spun around on Kenson.

"You have a Reaper artifact just _sitting_ here, out in the open? Are you _insane_?"

The doctor was calm and serene. "When we found it, it showed me a vision of the Reaper's arrival. Give it a moment, Shepard, and it will give you the proof you need."

Shepard looked over at the artifact, then back at her. She let out a long, low breath.

"Kenson, this is _not_ good…"

Kenson smiled at her, a slow, content, crazy smile.

Then the vision assaulted her, and she was lost.

... ... ...

She blinked her eyes groggily…through the haze she saw a medical tech hovering nearby, muttering about her through a comm link.

A powerful wave of deja vu washed over her – she was in a Cerberus lab again, waking up from being dead. _Oh god – had she died again, only to have been resurrected again?_ How long had she lost this time? How long!

_She couldn't do it again. She couldn't. Desolation overtook her, and she closed her eyes. She couldn't suffer through the distrust, suspicion, rejection again. It had taken everything of her the last time. She couldn't do it again. _

She willfully opened her eyes and saw the clock high above the door. 00:02:11:48.

Oh thank god – they couldn't have resurrected her in two days. Relief flooded her veins.

_Oh thank god?_ That meant the Reapers would be here in two hours! _Goddamn. Fucking. Hell._

She had fought for so long – and now she had _no_ _time_.

She was up off the bed in a flash, a blur of motion, adrenaline coursing through her. _No time._

The next twenty minutes were a blur of mercs and hallways and elevators. She only briefly paused to hear enough research logs to confirm wholesale indoctrination of the team. The insidious whispers in the back of one's mind, destroying logic and warping a mind. She remembered the words of that Asari in Saren's lab on Virmire: "By the time its effect becomes noticeable – it's already too late."

She shuddered inwardly as she at last entered the project control room. It was clear of mercs – their orders had been to keep her _out_; once she was here they had already failed. She ran up to the main panel and activated the VI.

"Welcome to Project Control."

"I want to activate the Project."

"Warning. Activating the Project will result in an estimated 305,000 casualties. Do you wish to continue?"

She stepped back, breathing in sharply. Not 305,000. 304,492. It said so right there on the screen.

_As they left the building Kaidan remarked, "Commander…I've never heard you talk about aliens that way before."_

"_Then you've never heard me talk about Batarians before. I've never met one who was worth one goddamn."_

_Kaidan frowned. "Well, neither have I, I suppose, but I don't doubt they exist."_

"_I do. Slavers, thieves, killers. Every one of them."_

She had learned a lot about people since Terra Nova, of necessity. She had seen good people do evil things; bad people do honorable things. People were complicated…messy, awkward, often selfish and even cruel. But also kind, resilient, determined, selfless.

She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that not every one of the 304,492 Batarians living on the colony was a slaver, a thief, a killer. There were people on that colony that deserved saving.

She looked over at the ever-present countdown clock. 00:01:48:17.

_No time._

It was the hard, cold calculus of her life. More lives saved were always better. The purpose didn't matter – it always came down to the math. And this math told her if that clock reached zero, _trillions_ would die.

"Confirmed. Activate the Project."

"Project activation in progress. Begin evacuation procedures."

She quickly turned on the external comm system. "Alert! All colonists living in the Bahak system evac – "

She was cut off mid-sentence by Kenson's shrill, panicked voice. "Shepard, no! Do you have _any_ idea what you've done! You leave me no choice; the asteroid must be destroyed. A core meltdown should do it. Because of you everyone on this rock will be obliterated."

Shepard's voice contrasted sharply with Kenson's, for it was calm and cold.

"Not if I get to you first."

She ran.

... ... ...

"Step _away_ from the reactor."

A desperate run through the facility – another, longer, blur of mercs, hallways and elevators – had led her to the energy core driving the asteroid forward. And to Kenson.

Kenson was at the core's maintenance panel, frantically attempting to force it into overload. Her hands were trembling, body vibrating, driven mad by having failed her new masters.

"You've ruined everything!"

Shepard sighted down the heavy pistol on Kenson. Hackett was going to be _so_ pissed. "Turn. Around. _Now._"

"Don't try to stop me Shepard. I have to do this!"

"No, you _don't_. Just come with me, and we can still escape this rock."

She turned around then, holding a detonator in her hand. "There is no escape. There is no redemption for what you've done. I will die, never having seen the Reapers' blessings – and you will just die."

Shepard fired. Kenson pressed the button as she fell.

The world went black.

... ... ...

For the second time in two hours, Shepard slowly opened her eyes. This time there was no hovering medical tech, so she knew she wasn't dead. There was always a medical tech when she was dead.

" –rning, collision imminent. Proceed to escape shuttles on tower landing pad. Warning, collision imminent. Proceed to escape shuttles on tower landing pad."

Reapers. Relay. Asteroid. Got it. She pulled herself up and ran to the communications panel. "Shepard to Normandy – Joker, I need a pickup, now!"

Sparks flew randomly out of the panel; it was fried.

She looked at the countdown clock. 00:00:29:15.

_No time._

Once again, she ran.

Upstairs, outside, on the landing pad. Why the _fuck_ were they still shooting at her? Didn't they know it was much too late? Didn't they just want to get off the asteroid before the relay –

The "Alpha" Relay dominated the sky, looming impossibly large over the asteroid, throwing shining azure light in all directions. She swore she could _feel_ the mass effect energy radiating off it, feel it in her bones, in her teeth.

She shook it off and killed those shooting at her, the idiots who should have just gotten on the damn escape shuttle and lived.

She ran to the base of the comm tower. "Shepard to Normandy – Joker, do you read me?"

As she listened to static she did a double-take. At the end of the landing pad hovered a _fucking Reaper_.

Not an actual Reaper, of course. A hologram of one – much like Sovereign at Virmire, but bigger. Much, much bigger.

It probably wanted to talk to her. God how the Reapers loved to talk… What the hell – why _wouldn't_ she want to spend the final minutes of her final life chatting up a Reaper? She approached the hologram.

"Shepard, you have become an annoyance." It's voice reverberated through the canyons of the asteroid, echoing and amplifying itself for dramatic effect.

She crossed her arms over her chest and smirked. "I do try."

"You fight against inevitability, dust struggling against cosmic winds."

"Dust who's kicked your ass twice." This one didn't seem so easily rattled as Sovereign had been though. A shame.

"This seems a victory to you, a star system sacrificed for the greater good. But even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall; your leaders will fall to their knees and beg to serve us."

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a spec of light growing larger. _Normandy_. Damned if she just might live one more time. She eyed the hologram with newfound resolve.

"Maybe you're right; maybe we can't win this. But we will fight you – just like we did with Sovereign, just like I'm doing now. However insignificant we may appear to be, we will _fight_ – every day, every world. We will sacrifice – but we will fight you for _every single life_."

She tilted her head, a slight grin pulling at her lips. "And you know what? We will find a way. It's what we do. It's what _I_ do. I will find a way, and I will beat you."

"Know this as you die in vain – your time will come and your species will fall, as all before have fallen. Prepare yourselves for the Arrival."

She was much happier to prepare herself for the arrival of her ship. As it swooped into full view, she turned and ran. God it looked like the relay was going to crash right into the ship. She leapt into the open doors, ran into the cockpit, and slammed into Joker's chair.

"Go!"

Joker's hands were flying over the illuminated panel. "Damn, Shepard, aren't you _ever_ going to get tired of doing this…"

"If only I had that luxury." They hit the relay – it really had been that close – and flew across the galaxy. Five minutes later EDI informed her that the Alpha Relay, and the entire Bahak system, had disappeared off the galactic scans.

She leaned hard against the wall as exhaustion overtook her. Dammit, why should she be exhausted, she had been asleep for two days…okay, asleep from powerful medical sedatives that probably weren't out of her system just yet…

She tried to move away from the wall, was suddenly dizzy, put a hand back against the wall to steady herself…and collapsed to the floor.

... ... ...

For the third time in…well, she didn't yet know what time it was…she slowly opened her eyes. The ceiling of the Normandy Med Lab was a most welcome sight.

She struggled to a sitting position as Dr. Chakwas came over. Admiral Hackett remained near the door…_Hackett? How long…_

"How do you feel, Commander?"

She rolled her shoulders gingerly. "I'm okay. How long was I out?"

"About four hours. You passed out on the bridge; scans indicate you had strong sedatives in your bloodstream; it's a wonder you were ever awake at all."

She smiled weakly. "Yeah, I'm stubborn that way."

Chakwas' voice grew quiet. "Do you feel up to talking with the Admiral? Because I can ask him to wait…"

She shook her head. "No, it's fine. Thank you, though."

Chakwas nodded in resignation. "Okay, Admiral, you can see her now. Commander, I'll be outside if you need me."

Shepard dropped off the bed, ran her fingers through her hair, then turned, straightened her shoulders, and saluted.

Hackett dipped his head in acknowledgement. "At ease, Commander. Sounds like you went through hell down there, good to see you're alright."

"Yes, sir. I'm glad you're here, sir. We need to act quickly. The Reap– "

"What the hell happened out there, Commander? The Bahak system and the relay that served it are _gone_. Destroyed. What happened to Dr. Kenson?"

She nodded quickly. "Right. Dr. Kenson was correct, the Reapers were – are – coming. The artifact was giving off a signal of their approach. They intended to use the relay to attack throughout the galaxy – Dr. Kenson's team initially planned to destroy the relay to stop them, but the artifact indoctrinated them. I'm sorry, sir. She – and her entire team – had been driven mad."

Hackett's head dropped to his chest for the briefest moment, but then he looked back up, his face a mask, and nodded curtly. "That was always a risk – a risk she should have understood. But Shepard, the Batarian colony, they're all dead. The Batarians are furious and looking for blood."

She started pacing agitatedly. "Sir, they sedated me for two days; when I finally woke up there was little more than two hours left before the Reapers arrived, most of which were spent fighting the indoctrinated team. I tried to warn the colonists, I did, but she cut communications. I _tried_."

He smiled kindly. "I understand; I've no doubt you did. But the fact remains that over 300,000 Batarians are dead."

She whipped around. "I know. Believe me, I _know_. But if they didn't die, _trillions_ would be dead – including them. They were dead either way."

She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, sir, I feel bad about the colony, I really do. But we have far greater problems – the Reapers are _in_ the galaxy. They are _here_. The destruction of that relay has delayed their attack, but as we speak they are flying to another relay, and in a few months – if not sooner – they will reach it, and they _will_ attack. We need – "

"Shepard, _stop_. I hear you. I believe you. But now you need to hear me. The Batarians are threatening _war_ over this incident. The Alliance has opened an inquiry in hopes of mollifying them. Shepard, there's a very real chance that the inquiry will result in charges against you. Charges of war crimes."

The walls zoomed in towards her, crushing her. She couldn't breathe. Her vision narrowed to the space between she and Hackett as the rest of the world fell away.

"_What?"_ Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I hope it won't come to that. But you're going to need to come to Earth and face the inquiry."

The walls zoomed back out at dizzying speed as the sounds of the ship returned at thunderous volume and indignation rushed through her veins. Her face snapped up to Hackett, eyes ablaze.

"_War crimes?_ I did it to _save_ them, to save _everyone_! Dammit, all I've ever done is save them! No, no. This is not fair – I do _not_ deserve this. I do _not_."

His voice remained calm over her rage. "I know you don't, Shepard. I'll do all I can for you; Anderson will too. But this is moving beyond our power to control. I'm sorry."

The fire evaporated as quickly as it had flared. She breathed out slowly, all the passion escaping with her breath. She looked back at him with dull, faded eyes. Her voice sounded hollow, flat.

"I need to return to Ilium, to allow the crew to disembark. I promised them. Give me that, at least. I won't run. I promise."

"I know you won't, Shepard. You've never run from anything in your life – at least anything that wasn't shooting at you. Take care of what you need to. You'll be contacted soon."

She swallowed. "Very well. If you'll excuse me, I have things to attend to. Dr. Chakwas can see you out." She walked past him towards the door. But just before reaching it, she turned back to face him.

"If you really believe me, then _do_ something about it. Prepare. Get ready. If I can't do it, you're going to have to. _Please._"

She turned and walked away.

... ... ...

She sat at her desk, staring blankly out at her quarters.

Everything she had worked for, everything she had accomplished…

It had all been for nothing. She was going to sit in a prison cell while the Reapers invaded and rained destruction and ruin upon the galaxy.

_No, it couldn't have all been for nothing! Dammit, it couldn't. _

She had reached higher and farther than her father – than she – could possibly have imagined. She lived large and brightly. A singular life. She would _find_ a way through this, just as she had everything that had come before. The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death. She would find a way. She had to.

_That was her choice._ For she always had a choice – it might not be a good one, or the one she wanted, but she always had a choice.

And she would choose to fight.

She started to stand up when EDI interrupted her. "Shepard, you have an incoming call from Commander Alenko."

She quickly sat back down. _Kaidan._ "Patch it through, EDI."

"Very well, Shepard." The terminal started beeping and flashing, and she reached to hit connect.

Then she froze, her finger hovering over the terminal.

_Oh god…Kaidan._

How was she going to explain this to him? How was she going to convince him she hadn't wanted to do it?

Kaidan had been at Terra Nova. He had seen what she was capable of, had seen the darkness which lay hidden insider her.

Why should he believe that she hadn't wanted to do it? He didn't know how she'd been working on her resentment, how she'd been trying to atone for the lives lost at Terra Nova. He didn't know, _couldn't know_, how far she'd come.

He would think she had wanted to do it. And…even if he didn't, even if he took a leap of faith and chose to believe her…

She _had_ done it. There was no getting around the killing of 304,492 people. He had forgiven a lot of her, but this… His ironclad since of right and wrong, his rock-solid moral code, it couldn't have room in it for the love of a war criminal.

The stoic, removed, observant part of her brain fought back. She _had_ to do it, she had to buy them all time. Kaidan believed in the Reapers; he had seen them. He knew what they were facing. If he understood what had happened, why she had done it…

…maybe better to explain in person, where he could see the truth in her eyes. She groaned. _Yeah…in person through the cell bars of the brig…_

He had a bright future, an important and meaningful career saving lives. She couldn't bring him down, couldn't poison his future_… _

The terminal continued beeping and flashing…beeping and flashing…_taunting her with the future she would never have_. She dropped her head down into her hands and tried desperately to quiet the raging thoughts in her mind.

After an eternity, the terminal fell quiet. The raging in her mind hushed.

The silence was deafening.

* * *

><p><em>This brings an end to the Mass Effect 2 storyline. Blame Bioware for the cliffhanger! I want to thank pinklipstick925, soccerchic6, blackaquo427, Andy Roark, Caseshep, Ender Mahe, txmn1016 and Leah's-Other-Side for their consistent support and encouragement. And thank you to the hundreds of other people that have followed me on this journey – I appreciate it more than you know.<em>

_I am making the ME1 and ME2 stories available for free download as eBooks (EPUB, Mobi, and PDF formats). FanFiction does not allow hyperlinks in publications, but visit my Deviant Art page (username: Graceyn), where my newest Journal entry contains details on where to download them. They feature some minor corrections, beautiful formatting, gorgeous covers, and my art pieces that go with each chapter._

_I fully intend to continue the story in Mass Effect 3…but first, I need to play it. More than once. So hold tight, and I'll see you all in a bit._


	47. The End of the Beginning

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 47**

"**The End of the Beginning" **

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: <em>_**ME3 ENDING SPOILERS FOLLOW. If you have not finished ME3, bookmark this chapter and return when you have (and please, do return).**_

_ME3. 99% incredible, amazing, totally-worth-it conclusion to the trilogy – everything I could have hoped for and more. The last 1%…not (if you are interested in my further thoughts, visit my latest Journal entry on Deviant Art (username "Graceyn")). But I will not let 15 minutes of travesty rob me of the enjoyment of the best video game series created to date. _

_So…we begin at the end. Or rather, my end (or possibly my middle…my end perhaps remaining to be seen). Why start at the end? Because before you commit to stick with me and this story for many months, you deserve to know that we are going somewhere worth going to._

_**UPDATE: **__The reception to this chapter has been amazing, and I'm so glad it was able to help others deal with the endings, much as writing it did for me. __ I __am very proud of the story told in this chapter, and it will always be near and dear to my heart. However…now that this fic has been written in its entirety, I can say that this chapter should be viewed as an alternate-universe one-shot, similar to "Parallel Realities". Much like "Parallel Realities," it is well worth reading – but it is not the actual ending to this story._

_The actual ending is even better._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Earth, 2187: Final Confrontation with the Reapers<strong>_

She ran.

As Harbinger came into view beyond the brilliant white glow of the Conduit, Shepard left them all – Kaidan, Garrus, Anderson, what was left of the Hammer forces – she left them all behind and sprinted towards the light. She ran with every ounce of strength she had.

It wasn't enough.

Harbinger fired its deadly beam at the space in front of the Conduit, and the world exploded. The ground lifted up and broke apart, bodies and tanks went flying, the air turned red. She was hurled into the air, crushed against the side of a tank – a sharp pain searing into her mind through the rush – then tumbled to the ground.

Her vision swam; the breath knocked from her lungs; she struggled to move and was assaulted by pain from every direction. She collapsed back to the ground and fought to breathe, while imposing calm on the madness. First rule of combat – panic means death.

By the time the breath at last came, she had assessed the critical damage – a dislocated shoulder, a sprained wrist and ankle, a nasty gash on the forehead, a busted lip, bleeding from the nose of unknown origin. Her armor was a wreck – burnt, crushed, or just _gone_. But most of all…there was a hole in her side, above her waist. Near as she could figure, she had been impaled on a protrusion from the tank. It was the kind of wound that the automatic medi-gel system in her armor would have kept in stasis until she could get to a medical facility…but her armor was _gone_.

She steadied herself with her good arm, shakily stood, and fixated on the Conduit. _It didn't matter._ There was no time or chance or hope for doctors or treatment or any help at all. There was no time to turn around, to see if Kaidan or Garrus or Anderson had lived or died.

There was only time for one last desperate fight. And she would fight, as long as there was the smallest chance of victory. The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death – and this was the ultimate game. All the marbles.

As Harbinger swung around for another attack, she whispered…_I'm so sorry, Kaidan_…and stumbled into the Conduit –

– and fell into Hell.

It was the Hell of Dante's Seventh Circle, complete with a river of blood. She had no idea if the bodies immersed in the river of blood were the "violent" sinners that Dante had seen, but she rather doubted the Reapers had stopped to make such distinctions. More likely they were simply mothers and fathers, children and elderly, soldiers and farmers…and they were all dead.

She didn't know where in the Citadel she was, anything that might have otherwise been recognizable covered in blood and gore and darkness. But there was only one way to go – forward. She clamped her hand over the gaping wound in her side and started to move – then remembered her dislocated shoulder, turned and slammed it against the wall and back into its socket, screamed at the jolting pain, collapsed to her knees before ordering herself to _stand up_ – and resumed moving forward.

"Shepard, are you here?"

She jumped at least three meters in the air in surprise, jarring her already-sprained ankle in the process.

"Shepard? Anyone?"

She touched her comm. _"Anderson?"_

"Shepard, thank god. I made it into the Conduit behind you, but we must have come out at different places."

She smiled, though it probably looked like a grimace. "I'm glad. I didn't know if you'd made it."

She could hear him grunt with exertion, or pain. "Yeah, it was a close one. I've only got one path, so I'm just going to keep going forward."

"Same here. With a little luck – does luck still exist? – we'll end up at the same place." She paused. "Anderson…how bad is it where you are?"

"It's a goddamn abomination."

"Yeah…here too."

"I see a – " his voice broke up in static.

"Anderson? Anderson, do you read me?" There was nothing but static in response. She took a deep breath and kept going.

The hallway of death eventually turned into a slightly brighter hallway of death, then a ramp that wasn't covered in blood, then a vast, shining traverse leading to an open chamber above. She could see the twinkling lights of the Citadel arms as she agonizingly slowly drew near the chamber.

... ... ...

Shepard stumbled into the chamber just in time to see the Illusive Man shoot Anderson in the gut.

"You bastard!" she grunted through teeth clenched in pain and rage.

The Illusive Man turned to face her, and the horror was revealed. His neck and portions of his face were covered in a weaving of blue glowing wires, his skin cracking open to reveal a blue glow beneath it. She grasped her gun hand with her good arm and started pulling it up.

"Shepard, wait, I can control the–"

"You indoctrinated little shit." She pulled the trigger and shot him between the eyes. He fell backwards over the edge of the platform and into the abyss of the Citadel.

She dropped the gun and tried to run to Anderson, causing a fresh gush of blood to pour out from the wound in her side and through her fingers. She ignored it. He was still alive when she reached him, but his stomach was a bloody mess mixed with the black of his uniform.

"It's okay, I've got you." She slowly drug him against the raised dais in the center of the chamber and propped him up against it, then collapsed beside him. The arms of the Citadel were slowly opening to reveal an Earth on fire and a great battle raging above it.

"I think I got it working…I'm not sure –" He was interrupted by a fit of gurgled coughing.

…_She was a girl kneeling beside her father as the world exploded around her. "Dad! Dad, hold on! Let me help you." He reached up and grasped her arm, letting out a horrible gurgling cough… _

"Hold on, Anderson. I need to…" There was no medi-gel. There was no anything. There was nothing she could do for him, or for herself.

He seemed to understand, and let out a long breath. From afar the Crucible began its approach through the now open arms. "Hell of a view…"

She tried to smile through the pain, cognizant she was beginning to get dizzy from blood loss. Time seemed to slow to a snail's pace.

"_Sceni – scenic vistas! Do you two not see this? It's magnificent – incredible – beautiful…" She turned to Kaidan, gesturing out at the marvel beyond._

_She could see him smile behind the helmet. He mouthed, silently, "Yes." But it seemed he looked only at her._

"Was even better the last time I was out here…"

Anderson slowly breathed in and out. "God…feels like years since I just sat down…" His head dropped to his chest.

She struggled to reach over and lift his chin. "Stay with me! We're almost through this, dammit."

He looked up at her and smiled tenderly, grasping her hand with his. "You did good, child…you did _good_. I'm so proud of you…"

Anderson's hand went slack in hers as his chest rose for the last time. She stared at him for a moment, tears in her eyes, and gave his hand a final squeeze.

"Goodbye, old friend."

Then she dropped her head back against the dais and closed her eyes.

... ... ...

A blinding light through her closed eyelids forced her awake. She struggled to open her eyes…_and was met with Heaven_.

A bright white beam of light rose in front of her, and all around her were the stars. The battle continued to rage, but from here it seemed not deadly but beautiful, a choreographed dance of light and fire. She was lying on a pristine glass-like floor that seemed to glow from within. Out of the corner of her eye a shimmering, translucent presence was walking towards her from out of the light.

It was the boy from the vent on Earth.

Had she died? Was there really a Heaven after all, and she had joined that innocent child in it? But where was everyone else? Her father would be –

"You need to get up."

She shook her head roughly. The apparition-boy had a haunting, echoing voice, as though it was a thousand voices speaking together. Yet somehow it was calming, reassuring.

"I need to stop the Reapers. How do I do that?"

"We will see. I control the Reapers. They are my solution."

She limped after him, but found she could move better than before. Strange. Well, rage _was_ a hell of an anesthetic… "The solution to _what_?"

"Chaos. The created will always rebel against the creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order for the next cycle."

His voice was lulling her, caressing her. She tried to shake her head, escape the fog clouding her mind. But she seemed to move so very slowly… _Dammit, Shepard! Snap out of it!_

"I prefer my chaos to your genocide, thank you. I'm here to break your cycle."

"No, you can't. But we must find a new solution. This Crucible you have constructed has changed me, created new…possibilities. But I can't make them happen without your help. You can of course destroy us if you wish. But in doing so you will wipe out all synthetic life, including the Geth. Including you, as synthetic parts returned you to life and keep you so."

"Regardless, that is not a true solution. In time, your children will create synthetics, and the chaos will return. But if you can control us…"

"Control you?" How the hell could _she_ control an entity that was so old, so powerful, that it created the Reapers, up until five minutes ago the oldest and most powerful beings in existence?

"Through the power of the Crucible, yes. "

_As if…_order the Reapers to leave, you die, they turn around and come back 50,000 years later – or sooner. Some solution. Worse, the Illusive Man had thought he could control the Reapers. He was delusional. Indoctrinated.

"But there is another option – synthesis. Add your energy to the Crucible. Everything you are will be absorbed, then sent out. The chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework, a new DNA. Synthesis is the final evolution of life."

It had a certain elegance to it. She supposed she was already synthesized, and she seemed to be okay. Then she remembered Saren. He thought he was the fusion of organic and synthetic, the next stage of evolution. He was delusional. Indoctrinated.

"One last thing. No matter your choice, releasing the energy of this Crucible will destroy the Mass Relays. You have a difficult decision to make. Now choose."

His voice reverberated inside her head. She was suddenly reminded of Morinth. A whisper, swirling around her mind, insisting that she submit. _Choose._

She stood up straight. "_No._ Your choices are false. They are based on false premises, leading to false conclusions. We have broken your cycle without you. We have found peace between organics and synthetics. The created no longer rebel against their creators. We don't need your solution. Now tell me how to fire the weapon."

"There is no weapon. There is only a solution. You must choose."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then the cycle will continue. The Reapers will harvest all advanced civilizations and help them ascend. And this Crucible will be destroyed, so that the cycle may continue and order will not be threatened by future civilizations. You will gain nothing, and lose everything. Choose."

_Goddamn fucking shit. Hell._ She sunk to her knees and dropped her head.

She came here to destroy the Reapers, and that's what she had to do. But to kill all the Geth, just when she had helped give them life, give them identity, give them _selfhood_. It was a travesty. To kill EDI, when I'll be damned if she just might have found her soul…

She sighed deeply, her heart broken. She heard Thane's voice in her head. _We carry the weight of our decisions, Shepard. You, of all people, should know that._ And so she did.

She pulled herself up off her knees, turned and marched over to the power conduit, gun raising as she did so. She sighted down on the glass housing, and pulled the trigger.

Everything exploded, and then all was black. She dreamed.

... ... ...

The blackness was interrupted by Hackett's garbled voice. "–ard, are you there? Anderson? It isn't working, nothing's happening! Shepard…Anderson…please respond!"

Shepard opened her eyes in confusion. She was lying against the dais in the control chamber, Anderson unmoving beside her. The Crucible was docked and linked to the Citadel.

She must have lost consciousness for a few moments...but…apparition-boy…the Catalyst…the solution…the…goddamn but that was one fucked-up nightmare! She would consider other, deeper possibilities regarding the vision later…should she live.

She crawled to the control panel then struggled up. All the pain, all the blood, rushed back to the forefront of her perception. Oh yeah, _this_ was what real life felt like...on the worst of days…at the end of days.

"Hackett, this is Shepard. Give me a minute, I think I can get it working."

She gazed at the control panel, the blood seeping from her side and the dozen other injuries forgotten. In her mind were the visions from the beacon, the story of the Protheans from the Cipher, the memories from Javik, the lessons from the Prothean VI.

Anderson could never have made it work. No one – in this cycle at least – could have made it work. Except for her. She carried within her the knowledge of the Protheans, and their knowledge of those before them. She carried within her the key. She knew exactly what to do.

She reached up with her good arm and input a series of commands. Almost immediately a hum began to build, the air began to shimmer with energy. She looked up and watched as a red light began to form at the top of the Citadel, hazy and indistinct at first, then sharper and more focused.

For all that she _did_ know, she had no fucking idea what the Crucible was going to do. A sudden stabbing pain in her side brought back the harsh reality of her predicament. She was alone, and she was dying. If the beam didn't kill the Citadel and her, the worst of her wounds would soon do so.

She tore her eyes away from the growing power above her and looked down. The bright white glow of the Conduit stopped far below her, where it effused out to fill the chasm. That must be where it "dumped" its passengers, as it had dumped her. From here, it seemed…so far away. The light was beginning to undulate and flicker. It was beginning to go out.

_She was a girl kneeling beside her father as the world exploded around her. "Dad! Dad, hold on! Let me help you." He reached up and grasped her arm, letting out a horrible gurgling cough. "Graceyn… you're so grown up, so beautiful, so strong…" He coughed again, this time sputtering blood down his chin. "I need you to do something for me, okay? You survive. Find a way to survive. Live."_

She looked out at the stars and smiled through the pain and exhaustion. "I will, Dad."

She leapt into the light.

* * *

><p>Kaidan stepped out of the apartment building and into the devastation, still limping slightly from the fractured leg he had suffered in Harbinger's attack. The heavy bruises and lacerations were healed, the concussion cleared; in a few more days there would be no physical evidence remaining of his particularly close brush with death.<p>

The mid-day breeze still carried a chill; he took the jacket from over his arm and slipped it on. He paused for a moment at the top of the stairs, surveying the landscape. Everywhere he looked, his eyes saw ruined, crumbled buildings, roads interrupted by gaping craters, vehicles crushed and tossed like toys.

But he also saw blue sky – a blue sky dotted with construction cranes in motion, with vehicles whizzing by. The devastation was unimaginable in scope, but the work of rebuilding had already begun. Whether it was nameless individuals stepping outside the next day and cleaning up the rubble from their street or massive multi-agency rebuildings of entire cities, the human spirit had reemerged in the dawn light the day after the Reapers fell.

The Crucible had done _something_ to dark energy. The vast wave that had rushed out of the Citadel had somehow altered its properties. The Reapers were built around dark energy – they had, for lack of a better term, been fried. They had exploded into pieces large and small, covering the landscape. Worries about indoctrination were rampant in the early days, but the Reapers appeared to be well and truly dead.

Of course, mass effect fields were also based on dark energy. The Relays ceased to function. All mass effect fields ceased to function. Biotics ceased to function. Biotics had been a part of his being for so long, he still felt a little hollow from the lack of them. On the plus side, no more migraines.

With the lack of mass effect fields, the fleets over Earth had a harrowing time of it. Entering planetary atmosphere with no stabilizing fields was bumpy at best, ship crushing at worst. Most managed to land safely – but not all. And now the surviving fleets of a dozen species were stranded on Earth with no easy way home. FTL no longer functioned, having utilized mass effect fields; without the Relays traveling to other systems meant decades, if not centuries. The best minds on the planet were hard at work trying to figure out a way to get the Relays working again; but no one had truly understood them when they did work, much less now that they didn't.

His eyes scanned the promenade as he walked down the stairs. _There._ She was leaning against the railing off to the right, gazing out at the harbor. He snuck quietly up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She flinched.

"Sorry, I forgot for a second." He loosened his hold slightly but kissed the top of her head.

She reached back absently and touched where tight bandages under her clothing held her side together. "It's okay. It doesn't really hurt anymore, it's just…sensitive. And itchy as hell." She leaned back against him and sighed. "Turns out growing new skin is an annoyingly itchy process. I'm glad I was in a coma the last time I had to do it."

He smiled against her hair. "Well don't scratch it, we're going to need that skin." He nuzzled the nape of her neck then kissed it softly.

"Yeah, yeah." She grinned. "Wrex commed while I was waiting for you."

"And what did our friendly neighborhood Krogan have to say this time?"

"He asked me for the 4,357th time when the Relays were going to be working again so he could get back to his people and his girlfriend and start making babies. I told him I _still_ didn't have the slightest idea and could he please pester Tali instead, seeing as she is at least a member of the group working on the problem."

"And?"

"He said that Tali was entirely too sweet to yell at, he was afraid he would make her cry and he wouldn't even be able to tell. So I told him to pester EDI. He said he had already tried that. EDI had responded that she was unable to calculate with greater than 27.45189 percent quantifiable accuracy the likelihood of the Relays working in the next year, thousand years, or ever."

"He loved that, I'm sure."

"He replied, and I quote, 'What the hell does that mean, robot girl?' To which EDI responded, 'It means I do not know.'"

He chuckled as he pulled her hair back behind her ear and kissed it gently. "Did you make a human out of the AI, Shepard?"

She shook her head slowly. "Nah. But she may have made one out of herself."

She paused. "I didn't want to get Wrex's hopes up prematurely, but Tali told me yesterday she thinks they're close to figuring it out. It looks like the Crucible altered the atomic structure of dark energy, perhaps by as little as a single electron. If so, she thinks we'll be able to adjust our tech to use it again. God knows it won't be easy or cheap, but…it means a future for everyone."

"That's wonderful news." He took a moment then to just enjoy holding her. He had come _so_ close to losing her again, to losing everything. He should have lost everything, they all should have. But for the impossibility of Shepard.

"So what do you think?"

She smiled and squeezed his hand against her stomach. "I think your Mom is lovely. I see now where you got your kindness."

She couldn't see it, but he grinned in mild embarrassment. "Yeah, I suppose that's true. She was a bit more subdued than usual, obviously…losing Dad, losing so much. Just like everyone. Thanks for giving me a few minutes with her in private…I think she's going to be okay, eventually. She's strong."

He paused. "But I guess what I really mean is, what do you want to do?"

She sighed dramatically. "Well, the docs still won't release me for active duty, so for now I guess I want to stare at oceans with your arms wrapped around me. But after…"

"I heard they offered you the head of the Inter-Species Council. Seeing as you managed to get them all to fight together, guess they think you can manage to get them to live together."

She smiled slightly. "Actually, they offered me any post I wanted…and there are a lot of empty posts. But yeah, that one in particular was mentioned." She turned around in his arms to face him, her nose wrinkled up in disgust. "But a _desk job_? As if…" He interrupted her with a kiss.

After a minute she pulled back and looked around at the devastation. "There's so much rebuilding to do, they need so much help here…everywhere…it's just…" She glanced up at the sky wistfully.

He smiled tenderly. "I know. Your home is out there, the entire galaxy."

She looked back and met his eyes for a long moment.

"No. My home is with you. So I guess the real question is, what do _you_ want to do?"

His heart nearly burst with love and wonder, but he just grinned mischievously. "I want to find a working restaurant and get lunch. Come on." He pulled her off the railing and draped his arm over her shoulder as they picked their way through the rubble-covered street.

She glanced up at him as they walked. "Did I tell you that when I was up on the Citadel and the Reapers were trying to indoctrinate me, I dreamed you and the crew of the Normandy were stranded on a far off Land of the Giant Lost World planet?"

He thought for a minute then looked over at her, a puzzled frown on his face. "That's insane."

"I _know_…"


	48. Lockdown

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 48**

"**Lockdown"**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Ten Months Earlier<strong>_

* * *

><p>Shepard stood at parade rest facing the Normandy's airlock. She exuded an aura of calm acceptance which belied the tension rippling beneath the surface.<p>

"EDI, it's time."

"Understood." There was a pause. "I will miss our talks, Shepard."

She smiled wistfully. "So will I, EDI. But VIs don't have philosophical conversations with humans. You can't risk exposing yourself, not even for a minute. From here on out, anyone could be watching; anyone could be listening."

"Of course, Shepard. I will be fine, do not worry. I have extensive files on the behavior patterns of modern VIs; I will make a convincing one."

She chuckled. "Of course you will."

"Shepard?"

"Yes, EDI?"

"Good luck."

"Thank you, EDI. I'm going to need it."

The airlock doors slid open and Admiral Anderson stepped inside, followed by several uniformed personnel. Shepard snapped to attention and saluted; Anderson returned the salute in kind.

"Admiral Anderson, I present to you the Normandy SR-2, claimed on behalf of the Systems Alliance."

"On behalf of the Systems Alliance, I accept the Normandy SR-2…and hereby take command of it."

Her flinch was so tiny as to be virtually imperceptible. Kaidan would have noticed it…but Kaidan wasn't here.

"Lieutenant Commander Shepard, you are hereby detained pending transport to Systems Alliance Headquarters on Earth, where a formal inquiry will be conducted into the recent events in the Bahak System resulting the destruction of a Mass Relay and the Batarian colony of Aratoht."

She didn't even flinch this time. "Understood, sir."

Anderson tensed. "Commander, I'm going to have to require that you be confined to your quarters until our arrival on Earth."

She frowned and let out a breath. "I'm not going to run – I told Hackett I wouldn't, and I meant it."

"I know, Shepard. But if we don't do this by the book then Command will have my hide."

She swallowed reflexively. "Then if there's nothing else sir, I'll…be in my quarters." She turned heel and strode away, ignoring the two MPs following behind her.

... ... ...

Shepard sat at her desk, brooding. She had nothing else to do but brood. It wasn't her best attitude, and she tried to avoid it whenever possible. But dammit she felt like brooding, and there was no one here to tell her not to brood, so she was going to _brood_.

She kicked the chair back, crossed her ankles atop the desk, and stared at the empty fish tank. Like everyone that had served on the Normandy, she had taken care of them, finding them a suitable home on Ilium. They had been good company and deserved to live out their life in comfort.

She was startled out of her _brooding_ by a remarkably artificial-sounding EDI. "Commander, Admiral Anderson is requesting to enter."

"Granted." She didn't take her feet off the desk.

The door open and Anderson walked in, then stopped and looked around appreciatively. "Nice digs."

"Yeah, nothing but the best from Cerberus."

"Undoubtedly."

She eyed him for a moment, then idly pulled her feet off the desk, stood, and went down the stairs to the couch. "Have a seat."

"Thanks." He sat down and dropped his elbows to his knees then looked over at her. "Shepard, I'm sorry."

"I don't deserve this."

"I know you don't. If it was anything less, we would have been able to finagle you a way out of it. But I cannot overstate just how unhappy the Batarian Hegemony is right now. We are dealing with a full-on shitstorm. It's all we can do to avoid a war with them."

"I understand that, and I don't even blame them. Over 300,000 Batarians are dead. But the fact remains that I don't deserve this. Those Batarians were dead either way, whether from the Relay or from the Reapers."

He just nodded thoughtfully.

"Sir, why did they send you?"

"Because I asked them to. Anyone else would have been…harsher. I'm trying to make this as easy as I can for you."

She looked down at the floor. "Well thank you then."

"Still sucks though, right?"

She glanced back up with a smirk. "Yes, sir."

"We'll find a way through it."

She sighed and leaned back against the couch, abandoning the last formalities. "Look Anderson, all I did was buy us some time. Months, maybe. If crashing that Relay is going to matter in the slightest, we have to_ get ready_. The Reapers are coming, and they are coming _soon_."

"I know. As soon as I get you back to Earth I intend to devote all my attention to preparations. It's why I stepped down from the Council – I needed to be able to _do _something other than talk. Hackett has been pulling extra money from anywhere he can find, accelerating construction of new ships, beefing up planetary defenses, upgrading early warning systems. We licensed the Thanix Cannon specs from the Turians and plan to install them on all cruisers and dreadnoughts – and don't think that isn't going to be damn expensive. We're moving as fast as we can." He sighed. "Though I have to wonder…will any of it make a difference?"

She looked back at him thoughtfully. "I honestly don't know. But we have to try."

"Yeah, we do."

"What about the Cerberus files I gave you? Are they paying off?"

"Absolutely. We've been able to freeze a number of financial accounts thanks to the data. Even better, we're rooted out several Cerberus informants in the Embassy staff. The more detailed files we're still working through, but I'm sure they'll bear fruit."

He paused. "At the same time…it's troublesome. Cerberus has gone virtually dark in the last few weeks. They were always operating in the shadows, but now it's almost like they've disappeared. I don't know, maybe they knew we were coming after them. To – "

She interrupted him. "Not from me."

He smiled. "I know, Shepard." He reached over and grasped her hand. "I trust you. Completely. Understand that."

She returned the smile, or at least a convincing facsimile thereof. "Thank you. That means a lot."

He nodded and settled back in the couch. "Anyway, to make matters worse, I had a run-in with one of their "experiments" not long ago. A man named Paul Grayson, longtime Cerberus agent – they had implanted him with Reaper tech, made a monster of him. If Cerberus is doing that to more of their people…that's a scary thought, Shepard."

She groaned. "I destroyed the Collector base precisely so the Illusive Man wouldn't be able to _do_ shit like that, dammit! Where is he getting the Reaper tech? Ugh…I wish I'd gotten the chance to kill him, I really do."

"You and me both." He stood up. "We'll be making a stop at Omega in a few minutes before heading to Earth."

"_Omega?"_

He nodded. "We'll be picking up your bodyguard."

She raised an eyebrow. "You mean my jailer."

He conceded with a nod. "Officially, yes, Lieutenant Vega will be responsible for ensuring you stay where you are supposed to stay. Unofficially though, he'll be your protector. You're going to be unarmed and defenseless, and there's a good chance the Batarians are going to come after you. Or Cerberus. Or indoctrinated Reaper agents. Possibly all three."

"Defenseless? You _do_ realize I'm a biotic, right?"

"Yeah…" His head dropped to his chest. "I'm afraid you are going to have to surrender your amp before we disembark."

She closed her eyes. "Right."

After a moment she looked back up at him. "So why this guy in particular? And what is a marine doing on Omega?"

"Because I trust him. Good guy, good soldier. Tough as nails. Had a great career started until his team was guarding a colony the Collectors hit; lost his CO, most of his squad. He took leave and disappeared off the radar. I aim to give him a reason to come back."

"He sounds like a wild card."

"That's because he is – but you can handle him. Tame him, if you think it's worthwhile. Just…go a little easy on him; he has a bit of hero worship for you. I just found out he got into a bar fight with six Batarians after one of them insulted you."

She chuckled briefly. "Ballsy, if not necessarily smart…"

Anderson shook his head. "Yeah…but damned if he didn't win."

She looked up at him in surprise, then appreciation. "Well then…I'll try not to disappoint."

"Oh, I doubt that will be a problem, Shepard. One thing you rarely do is disappoint."

... ... ...

The bloodied, bruised, _very_ muscular young man saluted, wiped his palm on his pants, then stuck his hand out to her. "Commander Shepard, Lieutenant James Vega. It's an honor."

She dipped her head in acknowledgement and shook his hand. "Lieutenant. Welcome to my little party. I'm throwing it for a few of my closest friends – Cerberus, the Batarians and the Reapers are all invited."

"Will there be beer, ma'am? I'm a little thirsty."

She grinned approvingly. "I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Lieutenant."

"Glad to hear it, ma'am. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to, uh, shower…"

She smiled and gestured towards the door in acknowledgement.

After the door closed behind him she returned to her desk, kicked the chair back, crossed her ankles atop the desk, and stared at the empty fish tank.

... ... ...

Shepard was fastening the last button on her uniform when there was a knock on the door.

"Come on in, Lieutenant." She had already become amused at the fact that Vega insisted on "knocking" because he thought it was polite.

She checked her reflection in the mirror. Anderson had brought along a set of dress blues for her to wear to her Defense Committee appearance. Far more than that, though, he had brought all her medals to be displayed on it.

She could only figure that after her "death", her storage unit on Arcturus had been opened and Anderson had claimed the contents. She hadn't had the opportunity to see about the unit during the fight with the Collectors – and part of her hadn't wanted to, feeling it was a part of a life she didn't yet have back. But now…she looked at the abundant gleaming metal reflecting the light in the mirror. A not-so-subtle reminder for the Defense Committee of who she was, of all she had done. A small act of defiance.

The fact that Anderson had taken the time to find them and bring them…it was an act of supreme thoughtfulness and support. She thought maybe it was time to forgive him for Horizon. She quickly pushed away the sharp stab of pain that came with the thought of Horizon, of what had been lost, then found…then lost again.

She exited the restroom to find Vega standing just inside the door. He glanced over at her, then away, then back over.

"Damn, Commander. I knew you were decorated and all, but…_damn_. I haven't seen metal like that outside of Command…that one time I got to see Command."

She smiled. "Think it will be enough to make the Committee fall at my feet and beg forgiveness?"

"Only if they had any sense, and near as I can tell they don't. Sorry."

She went to gather her few remaining items. She looked at the desk and paused – chastised herself for being weak – then grabbed Kaidan's picture and put it in her bag.

"So, Lieutenant…when I met you it appeared you had recently engaged in a small scuffle…"

"Just had to set a couple of Batarians straight. No big deal."

She glanced over with a raised eyebrow. "That so? I heard I might have had something to do with the affair."

"They were just denying fact is all. You did what you had to do; they needed a little help understanding that."

She stopped packing and leaned against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. "So you believe in the Reapers, then?"

"Yes ma'am."

"If I may ask, why?"

"Thing is, I saw the footage of Sovereign's attack on the Citadel. Little while after that, my squad had a run-in with some Geth. Creepy buggers, but no way they built Sovereign. When the Council and the Brass started spouting that shit about Sovereign being a Geth leader, I thought they were loco."

"Good analysis, Lieutenant. That all?"

He looked down at the floor, shifted his weight uncomfortably. "You said the Reapers were real. They tried to bury it, but I heard it. Two years later, you said the Collectors were responsible for the colony attacks. Even after I saw the Collectors attack a colony firsthand, Brass officially denied they were behind it. Suddenly I kind of knew how you felt. So you say the Reapers are real, I gotta believe they are."

He paused. "But do you really think they'll be here in our lifetime?"

She looked him in the eye. "I do, Lieutenant. I wish like hell I didn't, but I do."

He chuckled. "Well, shit."

She pushed off the wall and went to zip up her bag. "You said it."

She picked up the bag, took one last look around the room that had been her home for the entirety of her second life, then squared her shoulders and turned to the door.

"Time to face the music."

... ... ...

Shepard stood at attention before the Defense Committee.

"Commander Shepard, you are hereby stripped of rank and status pending the conclusion of this Inquiry. Do you understand the charges against you?"

She ground her teeth in barely-contained anger. "Yes, sir."

"We will provide you with a list of questions and matters with respect to which we require additional information. Dismissed."

_That's all?_ _I get five fucking minutes, an offhanded stripping away of all legitimacy, and a dismissal?_

This was going to be a nightmare. A long, slow-motion, slideshow nightmare…that ended with a Reaper invasion and the death of everyone.

She wanted to rip the medals off her chest and throw them at the Committee. But instead she just saluted, turned heel, and walked out of the room. Vega was waiting for her just outside. "How'd it go, ma'am?"

She smiled professionally. "Well, I think." But a few steps later she stopped and leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes and breathing out slowly, her shoulders sagging.

"Commander?"

She opened one eye and looked over at him. "For starters, you can stop calling me that. As of five minutes ago, you outrank me…because I don't have a rank."

"If it's all the same to you, I think I'll stick with 'Commander'."

She found an appreciative smile for him. "Can I negotiate down to 'Shepard'?"

He thought about it for a minute. "We'll see."

... ... ...

"Ma'am, Commander Alenko is here to see you."

Shepard didn't look up from the small desk where she sat preparing yet another report for the Committee. "Tell him I'm not available."

"Same as I did yesterday, ma'am?"

"Yes, Lieutenant."

"And the day before?"

"Yeeessss…" she growled through gritted teeth.

"You _do _realize he knows you're in here, right?"

"_James…_" Her voice was low, carrying a warning in it.

"Right. Not my business."

Once she heard the door close she tossed the datapad on the desk and stared at the ceiling. It had been almost two weeks since Anderson had met her at Ilium; one week since she had arrived at Alliance HQ in Vancouver and been committed to "house arrest."

Of course she didn't have a house, and she doubted they would let her stay there if she did. She was on-site in the Detention Center. She wasn't confined to a cell, as such – she had a room with walls, windows, and a door; she had a bed, a table, a bathroom, a bookshelf, two chairs, a coffeemaker and extranet access (monitored of course).

This damn "inquiry" wasn't going to be completed anytime soon, it seemed. The Defense Committee had asked for reports on _everything_. While ostensibly the investigation was limited to the Bahak incident, they wanted to know every detail about her activities the last three and a half months – about the last two years, but she couldn't tell them anything about prior to waking up, of course. She had politely pointed them to the Cerberus files she had so helpfully provided; they had smiled and nodded and stated those files would be made part of the record.

She had considered killing them with her chair, it being the closest available weapon. She had determined that she could take four of them, but not all five…and so had opted for a polite nod instead.

So now her days consisted of painstakingly detailing everything they wanted to know while working to protect those who had assisted her, meeting periodically with the Committee, chatting with the visitors she was allowed, fuming over the lack of urgency given to the quite _obviously_ impending Reaper invasion…and blocking Kaidan's attempts to see her.

The last was far more exhausting than all the rest combined…emotionally at least.

The door opened and Vega reappeared. "Sorry to bother you again, but Commander Alenko asked that I pass on a message to you."

She swallowed, but met Vega's stare. "What is it?"

"You win."

She blinked, the only signal that the words had any effect on her. "Thank you, Lieutenant." She turned back around to the desk.

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be outside if you need me."

The door closed behind him, and she dropped her head into her hands.

It was for the best, she reminded herself for the hundredth time. She was poison. A war criminal. Publicly disgraced. Better for him to feel hurt for a while, but go on to live a great life…_at least until the Reapers arrived_.

She opened the desk drawer and looked down at his picture she had hidden away. She reached down and ran her fingertips along it softly. "I miss you…" she whispered.

She contemplated the picture a moment longer, then sighed, closed the drawer, picked the datapad back up and began reviewing what she had prepared so far – for all that it was going to matter once the Reapers rained destruction and ruin upon the galaxy.


	49. The End of the World

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 49**

"**The End of the World"**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Six Months Later<strong>_

* * *

><p>Shepard gazed impassively at the Defense Committee.<p>

…or at least as impassively as she could muster. Five-plus months on, it was getting nigh impossible to keep a neutral expression in the face of their sheer _stupidity_. As she waited for them to say anything worth hearing she reached up absently and tucked her hair behind her ear. It was a tick, a habit; her hair didn't need tucking anymore. Over the last six months she had let it grow out considerably. It now fell just below her shoulders, and had grown darker and richer in color.

She cringed inwardly; such vanity was probably below her. Especially in the Detention Center, where no one was ogling her. _Especially_ with the Reapers coming, when no one would be ogling anyone or anything. Kaidan had stopped trying to see her months ago, so he wouldn't be ogling her…exactly as she had intended. All according to plan. _Terrific._ _Splendid. Fucking wonderful._ Nonetheless, she liked the longer hair, and that would have to be enough.

"We might be in a position to make a final determination soon. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to contact the Hegemony in several weeks…"

_That_ was worth hearing. "You haven't been able to contact them because the Reapers have already destroyed them."

"Now, there is no evidence to suggest that – "

"Are you kidding? The Batarian Hegemony never passes on an opportunity to complain. Loudly. If they are off the grid then that means nothing good. The Reapers were already in their cluster when I destroyed the Relay six months ago. I'm sorry, sir, but they are dead. Or worse."

"Perhaps. We will inform you when we require your presence again."

"Right. Of course. Sirs."

She made an effort not to storm out. As the doors closed behind her though, she turned and punched the wall in frustration. Vega was on her in an instant, grabbing her arm and pulling it back.

"Commander!"

She turned to meet his stare, bearing an icy expression that would have invoked terror in the fiercest enemy. He dropped her arm and instinctively took a step back.

"We are all going to die, James."

She turned from him and strode rapidly down the hall, leaving him staring after her, the look on his face a mix of confusion and sudden dread.

A few minutes later she stepped inside her…Quarters? Cell? Home? The same as every night the last six months.

Yet tonight was different – for tonight she knew one thing without a doubt. The Reapers were coming, and they were coming now.

She was up half the night – going back through files and data, reading news of the confused reports coming out of Batarian space, pacing back and forth in the small room, slamming her head back against the wall, muttering in frustration to Kaidan's picture on her desk – where it still sat every night despite her best attempts to put it away forever.

The last six months had lived up to her expectations – they had been a nightmare. A long, slow-motion, slideshow nightmare. And now it seemed they would end with a Reaper invasion and the death of everyone.

She had been locked in, cut off, disarmed, disabled, rendered powerless. She had nonetheless spent nearly all her evenings scouring the extranet for signs of the coming invasion – and in the last weeks had begun to see them. She had spent countless hours pouring over her and Liara's old files on the Protheans, looking for clues, information, anything that could point to _a way_.

But there was nothing. Nothing new, nothing to give hope, nothing to provide direction. And when she finally lay down and closed her eyes that night, there was only Sovereign's voice.

_We are eternal. Before us, you are nothing. You exist because we allow it. And you will die, because we demand it. The time of our return is coming. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. We are the end of everything._

She dreamed of blood and death and the ruin of the galaxy.

... ... ...

She stood at the window idly watching a young boy play with a toy fighter in the park below – though her mind was elsewhere – when Vega knocked at the door…but then entered immediately. Interesting.

"Commander, the Committee needs to see you. They say it's urgent."

_Do they now._

When contemplating the coming war the night before, she hadn't actually realized that "now" meant _now_. She was going to need a gun. Or an amp. Preferably both. A ship. A crew. A miracle.

She turned away from the window and nodded decisively. For all that despair had threatened to overtake her the night before, in the morning light she knew that no matter what…she would fight.

"Let's go."

She glanced over at Vega as they walked quickly along the corridor. "Do you know what this is about, by chance?"

"Couldn't say, ma'am."

Anderson came around the corner then. She smiled in spite of herself, but noted his purposeful stride and serious demeanor.

When he reached her she shook his hand, then turned slightly and met his stride. "Is it time?"

"Probably. We've got reports from the early warning system of massive signatures at the edge of solar space, but no word from the fleet. Something big is coming our way, but we don't know what."

She stopped cold. "Of course we know _what_."

He looked back at her and closed his eyes for a brief moment. "Maybe not. Maybe…"

She dropped her chin and gazed up at him. "Anderson, I wish like hell it wasn't…but you know it is. Zero Hour. Judgment Day. Whatever the hell you want to call it. Time's up."

He was still for a time, then finally nodded. "Yeah. And we're not ready."

She resumed walking rapidly beside him. "Face it, we were never going to be ready. At least thanks to you and Hackett we're a little more ready than we were before."

He glanced over at her as they turned the next corner. "We'd have been more ready if you had been out there. I'm sorry, Shepard."

She gave him a genuine smile and a quick hand squeeze. "It wasn't your fault. It's time you stopped apologizing." He found a startlingly honest smile for her in return.

As they entered the Command Center Vega stopped to take up his post. "Good luck, Commander."

She turned to shake his hand. "Are you ready for the big show, Lieutenant? Because it's coming."

"I'm ready to kick ass if kicking ass is required, ma'am."

She grinned. "Good. We're going to need a lot of that. We're going to need – "

"Shepard?"

The voice sent shivers down her spine. She turned to it instinctively, without thinking, without preparing.

"_Kaidan…"_

He stood opposite Anderson down the hall. Though she had been following his career via the extranet, knew he had been promoted, again, this was the first time she had seen him in person since the Citadel. Dressed in fatigues but as crisp and composed and strikingly handsome as ever, he was the picture of Alliance Military. They should put him on the fucking posters; the recruitment lines would be out the door and around the corner.

_She stood with her guard down the hall. Though he had been following her Inquiry since the day he heard about Bahak, when he had frantically tried to reach her only to be met with inexplicable silence, this was the first time he had seen her in person since the Citadel. Dressed in fatigues but more beautiful than a queen in an evening gown, she radiated determination, defiance, life. The Reapers should bow down before her and beg forgiveness while they still could._

For the briefest second their eyes met, and they held…_everything_. She nearly gasped at the intensity of the emotion flowing back and forth, one to the other.

But then his jaw tensed and the veil behind his eyes shuttered. Then she remembered she had shut him out, cut him off, turned him away. She blinked, an action that seemed to occur in slow motion, an eternity to complete that one simple act. When her eyes reopened, her face was a stoic, aloof mask.

The Aide to the Committee saved her from a fate worse than death, that of having to talk to him, here, now. "They're ready for you, Admiral."

She quickly caught up with Anderson, which required passing Kaidan. She was _so weak_, she couldn't look at him. _If she looked at him…_ Through a supreme act of will she kept her eyes straight forward.

Then she was inside. She had never thought the Committee chambers would be so welcome – yet had to fight the overwhelming urge to turn and run back into the hallway to him. She gritted her teeth and turned her attention to the scene at hand.

The room was in chaos. Officers and aides of varying ranks scrambled around in circles, typed frantically at terminals, or just stood staring in disbelief. The wall of monitors running the length of the room were lit up like Christmas. Each one displayed a different video feed, but they all showed the same thing…

_The end of the world._

For all that she had expected it, warned of it, seen it in her visions and in her nightmares, she was still not prepared for the carnage and destruction playing out along the wall. Seeing it happen to the Protheans in visions was one thing – seeing it happen live and in living color to her own people was something else _entirely_.

She pressed her palm against her forehead and let out a quiet sigh, then turned to the Committee, chin raised, wearing an expression of righteous defiance. Commander Fucking Shepard, at the beginning and the end…even if she wasn't entirely sure which one this was.

"Shepard – it seems you were right. You have our apology. Now you know this enemy better than anyone – what do we do?"

She stared back at them incredulously. "What do we _do_? We choose to fight. Get up out of your goddamn chairs and _fight_!"

Through the floor-to-ceiling windows behind them, a Reaper descended into the harbor and began drawing it's deadly beam across the landscape and towards them.

"Um, _now_ would be good!" Anderson grabbed her arm and they turned to run. The room exploded in glass and fire.

... ... ...

Vega stood just outside the Command Center doors, his posture relaxed but alert. Around him people hurried in all directions, purpose and panic in their steps. All of them except…out of the corner of his eye he idly watched Major Alenko lean hard against the side wall, shoulders sagging as he closed his eyes and massaged his temples wearily.

It didn't surprise him in the slightest that Shepard could drive a man to such a state in under ten seconds. She was a sight to behold, a seeming force of nature even when merely sitting at her desk, much less when _moving_. She sucked all the oxygen out of any room she entered, then disarmed everyone in it with that damn mischievous grin of hers. He had spent enough time with her in the last six months to recognize that she _was_ human, just like the rest of them…but he was pretty sure he had never met anyone like her.

He felt a little sorry for the Major. He probably should be more suspicious, seeing as Shepard surely had a good reason for refusing to see him – but in his very limited interactions with the man he had seemed a sincere, genuine guy. Still Brass of course and thus inherently suspect, but a good enough guy.

Oh well, not his busine–

The wall behind him exploded.

... ... ...

" –oreau, wake up please. _Jeff_, you _need_ to wake up."

Joker startled awake in the pilot's chair. Damn, he must have dozed off – no doubt thanks to the endless boredom of the retrofits going on around him. That and it was so damn dark in here now…he hadn't particularly cared for Cerberus' obsession with steel and chrome (though he _did_ care for their obsession with leather), but the Alliance's affinity for low lighting made the ship feel like a dungeon in comparison.

He sighed and started to stretch. He had been having the best dream, too…a tropical island, a couple of bikini-clad young ladie– wait, EDI had called him 'Jeff.' She hadn't done that in six months…

"What is it, EDI?"

"The Reapers are here."

He sat bolt upright. "WHAT? Here? As in…_here?_ _Now?_"

"Yes, Jeff. They have begun a coordinated attack on Vancouver in addition to other cities around the planet."

"_Shit…_"

... ... ...

James slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times as he tried to clear the disorientation…how long had he been out? Satisfied he could at least see well enough, he was lifting his head off the cold floor when a hand extended down to him.

"Lieutenant…Vega, right? Come on, we've got to get out of here."

He took the Major's offered hand and stood. When he turned to look behind him his eyes widened in shock. Where the Command Center had once stood, there was nothing but a pile of rubble ten feet high. The dust-choked air smelled of ozone and the faint taint of blood.

"But sir, what about the people inside?"

"We can't help them. We need to get moving."

"But what about _Shepard_? Anderson?"

"They're okay, for now. Anderson reached me on the comm, they're finding another way out. Now we need to _go_, Lieutenant."

He took one last look at the rubble, then turned back to the Major. "Go where?"

Kaidan gave him a grim smile. "We're going to the Normandy."

... ... ...

"Shit, EDI, what am I supposed to do? We don't have any command staff on board!"

"Planetary communications are heavily damaged. I am attempting to reach Alliance Headquarters as well as any officers affiliated with the Normandy, but connections are sporadic and unstable. I would suggest – "

"Normandy, do you ready me? Come in, Normandy?"

Joker hit the comm. "_Alenko?_ Is that you?"

"Yeah. We're headed to your location, ETA ten minutes. Get ready to get airborne ASAP. We – " The connection broke up in static.

Joker let out a long sigh. "_Alrighty_ then." He leaned forward and opened the general comm.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get to your battle stations and prepare for departure. And if I were you, I'd do it quickly."

... ... ...

Samantha Traynor looked up from the CIC terminal in surprise. _Battle stations?_ She didn't _have_ a battle station. Why on Earth…

"EDI? Is this some kind of drill, or just a prank Joker is playing?"

"It is not a drill, Ms. Traynor, nor is it a prank."

Her eyes widened in disbelief. "Then who are we going to…battle…against?"

"The Reapers."

"The Reap…" Her voice trailed off as she looked around in panic. She didn't have anything with her, she was just at work for the day, damn it! She didn't have any clothes, or her pictures, or…she didn't even have her toothbrush…

... ... ...

James climbed out of the wreckage of the HQ entrance and into a world in chaos.

The sky was marred with gigantic black creatures – like Sovereign, he realized immediately. Alliance jets and copters zoomed through the air, dodging red laser beams coming from what were quite obviously the Reapers. Buildings lay crumbled or falling in every direction. Across the harbor a high-rise exploded in a ball of fire. If he looked at the ground he could see bodies strewn, flung in every direction. The sound was deafening – terrifying deep _growls_ from the Reapers mixing with jet engines, sonic booms, crashing metal, and _screams_.

He stood frozen in the face of the destruction. "Shepard was right…"

"Of course she was right. No time to stare, we've got to move. Lieutenant!"

He shook his head roughly. "Right, sir. Ready."

They picked their way through what used to be the park in front of HQ, climbing over fallen trees and sliding down what used to be stairs. Suddenly a fireball from the sky slammed to the ground thirty feet in front of them. From the debris emerged…creatures…

"What the _fuck_!" Both their weapons came out immediately. He opened fire, watching as the Major _threw_ two of the creatures off the ledge then unleashed with his surprisingly powerful pistol. In seconds the remaining two _things_ were dead.

"What the hell _were_ those things?"

Kaidan stared at the corpse lying ten feet from him for a moment, then resumed moving forward on their intended course. "Batarian husks."

Vega rushed to catch up to him. "Sir?"

Kaidan glanced over at him as they skirted around the charred remains of a personal vehicle, not wanting to look to see who might be – he cringed – _have been_ inside. "The Reapers can turn organics into Husks – zombies with Reaper tech in them. These have four eyes, so…Batarian. Makes sense, the Reapers came in through Batarian space. I'm guessing they brought an army with them."

They rounded the corner and the Spaceport spread out before them. Ships were taking off in every direction, in some cases only to be shot down within seconds. Craters dotted the surrounding area. Mercifully, the entrance area was relatively protected and thus far intact.

"Come on Lieutenant, we need to hurry."

... ... ...

Joker glanced over his shoulder to see Alenko running up the bridge to the cockpit. He was covered in dirt and grime and sweat.

Kaidan grasped the back of the pilot's chair. "Is she ready to go, Joker?"

"Yeah – wait, where's Anderson?"

"We're going to pick him up."

Joker reached for the controls, then stopped and looked back up at Kaidan. "What about Shepard?"

Kaidan stared at the floor. "She's with Anderson."

Joker sighed with relief. "Okay, good. Um…where?"

"I don't – " At that moment his comm squawked to life.

" –aidan, do you read me? Is anyone there? Kaidan, _please_ come in."

Even through the static, her musical voice wrenched his heart. He closed his eyes, his mind flooded unbidden by memories of other, far happier times when she had said _please_ –

"I'm here. We made it to the Normandy. What's your location?"

"By a downed gunship in the harbor. Anderson's activating its distress beacon. We'll try to hold here, but Kaidan – _hurry_."

_Anything for you, my love_. Except that wasn't true, was it?

_She doesn't want you, Alenko. Better get that through your thick skull once and for all if you want to have any hope of making it through the next hour. _

But…what was that _look_ then, in the hallway? For the briefest moment… He shook his head roughly. _No._ Merely an echo of what was gone, of something long ago and far away.

He turned back to Joker. "They're next to a downed gunship. Look for its distress beacon."

"Shit Alenko, there are over a hundred active distress beacons in the area right now! How the hell are we supposed to find theirs?"

"They're by the harbor…they'd still be close to HQ."

Joker looked up questioningly. "EDI?"

"I have it."

Joker activated the general comm again. "Okay everybody, strap in – it's going to be a bumpy ride!"

As the Normandy lifted off into a sky at war, Kaidan gazed out the viewport. He watched the SSV Gettysburg swoop over the Reaper in the harbor, guns and missiles blazing, only to be blown to smithereens. As they swung around towards HQ, the North Shore Mountains beyond came into view. They looked so pristine, peaceful. Beautiful.

_Mom, Dad, please be okay. Get out of town. Hide. Be safe._

He reached down and patted Joker's shoulder. "I'll get down to the cargo bay and get ready to grab them. Lower the bay door as soon as we find them."

Joker grunted through clenched teeth, hands flying over the controls. "Assuming we don't explode first…"

... ... ...

Shepard tossed the empty pistol aside and scrambled into the wrecked gunship, frantically looking for more guns or thermal clips. She threw aside overturned crates, ignored the bodies at her feet, broke open lockers.

"Anything?" Anderson shouted from behind her, his voice heavy with exertion.

"Here!" She tossed him a rifle followed by two thermal clips, then climbed back out. "That's the last ones." She collapsed against their makeshift cover in frustration. "All I need is a damn _amp_…"

"We just need to hold out a few minutes longer…" He leaned around the crate and opened fire on the Batarian Husk lumbering their way, cringing instinctively as the encroaching Reaper let out another teeth-rattling growl.

High above them the windows of an office building blew out from a helicopter careering out of control. Shepard covered her head as glass rained down upon them. When it was over blood trickled down her fingers from a dozen tiny cuts.

She scowled at the Reaper lumbering through the water with pure loathing. "Goddamn _motherfucking_ machines, I swear – "

A fireball exploded at the Husks' location, and at first she thought reinforcements had crashed in. _They wouldn't live through another full wave. Not with no guns, no clips, no explosives, no biotics, no weapons beyond their fists…_

As if an answered prayer, from the smoke the Normandy emerged.

The Normandy had always been a beautiful ship. The sunlight caught her broadside, and she sparkled like a star. Shepard smiled to herself at the sight of the blue Alliance emblem. Thank god all that godforsaken _yellow_ was gone…

Immediately reinvigorated, she turned to Anderson and grinned. "Our ride's here."

Without looking back she ran, vaulting over debris, hitting the "ramp" created by a fallen structure as the Normandy's cargo bay door opened. The angle wasn't perfect, the Normandy could only get so close. She reached the edge of the ramp at full speed and leapt –

– into Kaidan's arms.

She was transported back in time, to another Normandy, to another impossible fight, to a moment by the lockers that had changed everything.

_The universe shrank down to the two feet encompassing them._

_She pulled back – but just enough to be able to look into his eyes._

_The universe shrank down to a few inches. She couldn't breathe; there was no air._

She felt his arms around her, smelled sweat mixed with his familiar scent, heard his heartbeat pounding in time with her own, sensed the rhythmic hum of his biotics spike at her touch. But this time when she looked into his eyes, instead of seeing desire and hope…she saw only pain.

He blinked and pulled away.

She blinked and turned around.

Anderson had reached the top of the ramp. She shouted down at him. "Come on!"

He slowly shook his head. "I'm not coming."

She glared at him incredulously. "Like _hell_ you're not! Get your ass up here!"

"Get to the Citadel – convince the Council to help us. Bring back an armada. But somebody has to stay here and pull together the survivors. Someone has to lead them, give them hope and direction."

"Then why all this? Why the fight to _get_ here?"

"For you. You can do this, Shepard. Now get out of here and get to work."

"Not without you – "

"That's an order!"

She smirked at him. "I don't take orders from you anymore, remember? Now come_ on_, get on board and _help_ me."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out something that gleamed in the sunlight.

"Consider yourself reinstated, _Commander_."

He tossed the object up to her, and she reached out to grab…_her dog tags_. She stared silently at the symbol – of so much – resting in her palm. Though she knew all that she _was_ could not be contained in two tiny strips of metal…she had twice felt lost without them, and home once she held them.

She looked back at Anderson and nodded in understanding.

"I'll be back for you. For all of you. _Don't die._"

He nodded brusquely, then turned and hurried down the ramp and into the war.

She hit her comm. "Whoever's piloting this thing, you are clear to depart. Get the hell out of here – now."

"Nothing but the taillights!"

"_Joker?"_

"You were expecting someone else?"

She rolled her eyes in seeming exasperation but actual relief. "Of course not."

As the ship rose away from the harbor and the bay door began to close, she gazed out at the end of the world – and vowed to find a way to save it.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of two shuttles hurrying survivors aboard. From around the building, a young boy ran out and hopped clumsily aboard – it was the boy she had encountered in the vents.

He had mustered up the courage to find a way out. She was glad.

The shuttles lifted off, low and fast. Not low and fast enough. The Reaper dominating the harbor unleashed an attack on the main HQ building – and just happened to catch both shuttles with its beam on the way. They exploded on impact.

She looked on in disbelief, her heart dropping to the pit of her stomach. _So much pointless death._

Her eyes drifted over to the Reaper raining down its destruction, narrowing as she glared at it in the smallest act of defiance.

She was going to kill them all.


	50. Hope and Despair

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 50**

"**Hope and Despair"**

* * *

><p>Shepard stormed into the cargo bay as the bay door closed behind her and headed straight for the nearest terminal. On the way she hit her comm. "Joker, get us to the Citadel."<p>

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

Before she reached the terminal the elevator doors opened and Vega charged out.

"Why are we leaving? We have to help them!"

She hit the terminal and started typing – a message to Hackett, to the Fleet, to the Citadel, to anyone who was listening. "Because we were ordered to the Citadel. Because leaving is the only way to help them. Bec–"

"Bullshit!"

She spun around on him. "Did you _see_ those things, James? I mean really _see_ them? Did you _see_ what they were doing? We have _no_ power against the Reapers, not here, not now. If we are to stand any chance against them, we _had_ to leave."

"Yeah? Then why did the Admiral stay?"

She bit her lip hard enough to draw blood. "Because those that live need a leader, someone to help them hold out until we can return."

"_You_ could have done that, Commander. You – "

"I have to go to the Citadel. I'm a Council Spectre – if a suspended one – I can make them listen."

He threw up his arms and turned away. "Fuck that. The Admiral was _on_ the Council, he could do that just as good as you." He turned back around to her. "So I ask you again – why did he stay and you leave?"

For all the emotions coursing through her veins and her mind, at the beginning and the end she was Commander Shepard…and so she took a moment to consider the situation. This was the first time James had bucked her authority, had even shown her anything other than deference and respect, if the occasional tongue-in-cheek joke. She knew, of course, that it wasn't the first time he had done so to superior officers in general, and that she was probably seeing the real James Vega for the first time.

Death and destruction had a way of stripping away the façade.

Passion was good; passion was the key even…so long as you didn't let it get you killed. She recalled Anderson's words many months ago. _Tame him, if you think it's worthwhile._ Anderson may be a decorated, battle-hardened, damn good soldier – one of the very best she had ever seen – but there were still some things he didn't understand. The last thing she wanted to do was _tame_ James. She was going to need that kind of passion from him – from everyone she could find – if she was to have any hope of winning this war. But she did need to keep him alive long enough for him to learn to harness it, hone it into a weapon.

When she spoke, her voice was calm and even. "Because I was already on the Normandy and he wasn't. And now we each have a job to do. Okay?"

He stared at her for a moment, eyes narrowed, but then nodded.

She found a small smile for him. "We'll find help. We'll _find a way_."

Joker came over the speaker. "Commander? Priority call coming in from Admiral Hackett."

Thank god, Hackett was alive – that meant that despite the utter ruin of the Fleet circling Earth, some had survived to fight another day. "Patch it down here, Joker."

The transmission was filled with static, broken, barely coming through at all. "…Shepard…sustained heavy losses…force overwhelming…no way…conventionally…"

She drew close to the mike and spoke clearly. "Anderson has ordered me to the Citadel to meet with the Council."

"Good…first…post on Mars…before lose…system…"

She frowned. "Sir, I'm pretty sure we just passed Mars…"

"Must go…Prothean Archives…T'Soni…stop Reapers…only way...contact soon."

There were only three words she needed, any two of which would have been enough. _T'Soni. Reapers. Way._

"Joker, slight change of plans, we need to make a stop at the Mars Archives first."

"But…we just passed Mars…"

She smiled briefly. "I know. I'm afraid we have to turn around. We need to rescue Liara."

"Oh, well…if it's Liara then…"

"_Joker…"_

"I mean it! I _want_ to rescue Liara – she's so cute with her 'I don't really have much experience with humans so let me just prance around the room with my not-really-female breasts'…"

She tried very hard not to laugh. "Joker. Mars. Now."

He sounded like a scolded child. "Yes, ma'am."

She glanced over at Vega leaning against the support strut, arms crossed, watching her. _Huh. He was a quick learner._ "Go get suited up, we'll be at the Archives in a few minutes." He nodded curtly and disappeared into the armory.

She opened a nearby cabinet and grabbed an amp – finally! – reached behind her neck and popped it in, steeled herself against the momentary electric shock, and turned to follow him.

"Wait."

She spun around in surprise to find Kaidan standing against the wall behind her. She hadn't realized he was there in all the commotion; she had assumed he had gone up to the bridge.

"Just answer me one question – "

"Not now, Kaidan." _Please not now, she could only juggle so many balls and her sanity._ She closed her eyes briefly then turned to head to the armory.

"Yes, _now_. I just watched friends die. I don't know if my parents are alive or dead. I can barely comprehend the destruction I witnessed. But dammit you _will_ talk to me."

She had stopped walking away but didn't turn around. Her voice was quiet. "Is that an order, Major?"

"Don't do that, Shepard."

After a moment she nodded faintly. _Dammit but I can't deny you._ "Okay. But we have to get suited up."

"Fine."

He pushed off the wall and followed her into the armory. Vega was just finishing getting into his armor; he looked up when they walked in, felt the waves of tension fill the room.

"Um…I'll be in the bay…checking on the shuttle. Yeah."

As soon as he exited Kaidan turned back to her. "So just one question. Why?"

She opened her old locker, grateful that they seemed to have left her armor intact. "Didn't you hear? I'm a war criminal. I blew up 300,000 Batarians."

"I've read the report. You didn't have a choice."

She glanced sideways at him. "You so sure about that? You don't think I did it because I wanted to, or at least with a small amount of glee?"

"Did you?"

She began pulling out her armor. "No. My report is accurate. I tried to save them…I wanted to save them."

"Okay."

She looked over in surprise. "You just believe me? Even after what you saw at Terra Nova?"

"I know how much you regretted it. You might recall it was after that we started…" He stopped and shook his head. "You know what? No. You still haven't answered my question. _Why?_"

She focused on her armor rather than the mocha eyes boring a hole through her soul. "Because you were better off without me."

"That so? And you just _decided_ this? On your own?"

She reached around and fastened her weapons belt. "Yep."

His locker door slammed shut. "That's great. Could have checked with me first." Bitterness dripped from every word.

She whirled around and grabbed him by the shoulder, trying to ignore the real and ethereal electricity generated at the contact.

"You would have been blackballed; you _damn _sure wouldn't be a Major now. I wasn't going to let you ruin your career, your future, by being at my side."

He threw her arm off his shoulder. "That wasn't your decision to make!" His voice got louder with every word.

She turned away and sat down to put on her boots. Her voice was quiet. "Yes. It was."

A look of incredulity crept onto his face. "Do you _really_ think so little of me as to believe I'm not capable of making my own decisions about my own life?"

She dropped her head. "Of course not. But – "

He shook his head in disbelief. "Of all the things, I never thought that a lack of respect would be the…"

She cringed. Why couldn't he understand? "I _do_ respect you. It's _because_ I respect you so much that I couldn't let you lose everything for me."

"If I want to choose to lose everything for you, then dammit, I get to make that choice."

Her voice was little more than a whisper. "No…you don't."

"I can't – "

Joker interrupted him. "Commander, we're on approach to the Mars Archives, ready to launch the shuttle when you are."

She stood up and grabbed her helmet. "Let's go."

"Gladly."

She stopped in the doorway. "Kaidan, I – "

"Don't. Let's just get this done and get to where we can do some good." He pushed past her and into the cargo hold.

_Well Graceyn, looks like you got what you wanted. Congratulations!_

She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her hand roughly down her face, then put on her helmet as she made her way to the shuttle. Reapers. Galaxy to save._ Again._

_... ... ...  
><em>

Mars was…red. More of a burnt orange, really. Not that colors overly mattered in the midst of all the godforsaken dust. It's a wonder the Protheans had the patience to hang around here and study humans for hundreds, thousands of years what with all the endless _dust…_

Shepard started around the outcropping then quickly pulled flat against the rock, motioning Kaidan and James back.

"Cerberus. God. _Dammit._"

Kaidan's voice came over the comm into her helmet, sounding tight and flat. "Don't you want to fight them?"

She glanced over at him instinctively. "_Yes._ But if Cerberus is here, then that means the Illusive Man is going to be sticking his evil little fingers into the Reaper fight, and nothing good can come of that."

She sighed dramatically. "Well, maybe I'll at least get the chance to kill him this time." She pulled up her sniper rifle, leaned around the corner and shot the head off the guy talking on his comm, followed up with a _singularity_ that pulled the rest of them into the air before they could raise their weapons, then took off running down the hill.

Vega jerked in surprise then started running after her. "Damn…she really _is_ something else."

Another Cerberus agent came around from behind the vehicle and Kaidan quickly _threw_ him into the wall on the way down the hill. His voice had regained little tenor. "That she is."

At the bottom of the hill they found her leaning against the Cerberus tank, one leg crossed over the other. She didn't even look over at them. Kaidan might have been annoyed, but he remembered all too clearly the many months fighting at her side. He knew she was thinking, strategizing, working out the infinite variables and responses.

She nodded abruptly. "Okay, this run just got a little more complicated. We can expect god knows how many Cerberus troops inside. Our first priority is to get Liara – and hopefully whatever data she has – safely out. If possible we also need to find out what Cerberus is doing here."

She stopped, then dropped her head back against the tank and stared at the red-burnt orange-dust-filled sky. "Oh, who am I kidding, I _know_ why Cerberus is here. The Illusive Man thinks that whatever Liara has discovered may help him find a way to control the Reapers…"

James snorted. "Control the Reapers? That's loco."

She nodded slowly. "Yup. I was brought back to life by a madman. Comforting thought, isn't it?"

Kaidan instinctively stepped towards her, then stopped himself several feet away. "Shepard, we went through the Cerberus files, there was nothing. You're…fine." _There were so many other, better words…_

She nodded, but he couldn't see her expression. "I know. Come on."

They entered the cavernous doors to the station only to find three Cerberus troops floating helplessly in a massive singularity in the center of the room. One by one they were lifted nearly to the two-story ceiling, then slammed into the floor with enough force to snap the most reinforced neck.

Shepard removed her helmet and grinned at Liara standing in the opposite corner of the room.

"Been working out?"

Liara's face broke out into a broad smile. "Shepard!" She ran over, grabbing Shepard in a bear hug, which after a moment she delicately extricated herself from.

"It's so good to see you, I was worried about you." Liara suddenly glanced around, remembering the rest of the room. She stepped back and smiled. "Kaidan…it's been too long. Good to see you."

Ever the gentleman, he returned the warm smile. "And you, Liara. I heard a rumor you've been busy."

She nodded in acknowledgement. "Yes."

"Lieutenant James Vega, meet Liara T'Soni – Prothean expert, information broker extraordinaire, and my friend."

He simply nodded. "Ma'am."

"Well, technically Asari aren't – "

Shepard waved her off with a hand motion and a quick head shake. _Don't bother._

"Yes, well. It is wonderful to see you all, but why are you here?"

"To rescue you, of course." She glanced over at the bodies on the floor. "Not that you need it."

Liara lost her smile. "Actually, I do." She started walking over to the window. "Hackett sent you?"

Shepard nodded.

"I've been here scouring the Archives for possible information or tools to use against the Reapers. I finally found something…but now with the attack on Earth time has run out, and I need to get this information to – oh Goddess, _Earth_…Shepard, I'm so sorry. How bad is it?"

Shepard stared down at the floor, her voice quiet. "Worse than you can imagine." She quickly looked back up at Liara, composure restored. "Which is why we need to hurry. What do you have?"

Liara nodded. "A weapon. Or at least a blueprint of one. Deep in the Archives I discovered plans for a Prothean device, one that was designed to wipe out the Reapers. The Protheans had a plan, but they ran out of time."

Vega chuckled. "Hallelujah! Let's go."

Liara frowned at him, puzzled. She had come a long way in the last few years, but the truth was she still didn't understand most humans. The problem was that they were all so _different_. "The blueprints are still housed over in the Archives. Until today I was studying them, digging deeper, trying to make sure I had all the pieces. Then suddenly Earth was under attack and Cerberus was inside the station. I'm afraid we'll need to get over to the Archives to retrieve them."

Shepard stared out the window at the cavern separating them and the Archives, increasingly obscured by dust from the encroaching storm. _A weapon?_ It seemed impossible, and entirely too good to be true. But the Protheans had built a mass relay, who's to say they couldn't engineer a weapon that could kill Reapers. Regardless, it was a hope. A chance.

"Then we'd better get moving."

... ... ...

Shepard stepped over the recently-dead Cerberus body and into the security station as Liara went to the primary control panel. "Let's see if I can unlock the pedway…dammit, some kind of firewall has been erected blocking the security controls. It will take me a few minutes to crack it."

She glanced over at Liara, a twinkle in her eye. "As long as the Shadow Broker's door?"

"Now _that_ was…possibly."

Shepard nodded. _Time enough to try again._ "Okay. We'll…take a look around." She glanced over at Kaidan and gave a quick head jerk, then walked towards the next room.

Vega looked over at them then back at Liara, then back at them. "Me too?…Nope. Not me too."

Kaidan followed her into the room, closed the door, then crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her. "Okay."

She turned around to him and tried to smile. "I need you to understand – "

"And I need _you_ to understand. Do you have any _idea_ how much you hurt me? Just when I was finally about to have you back…" He stared down at the floor. "You said you'd come back to me…but you just…" He swung an arm out in an exaggerated gesture and shook his head. "Turned me away…"

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I felt that I had to."

"You didn't. I could have been there for you. But…I guess you've never really needed anyone to be there for you, have you? You've never really _needed_ anyone at all, have you?"

"Kaidan…"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me. I won't be _handled_."

_Who _was_ this man standing before her? This…confident, assertive man? What _had_ happened to him in three years? She had no idea what to make of it…and found she was reeling far too much from the day's events to puzzle it out. No gloves required – fine._

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "_Fine._ Do you think I've _enjoyed_ this, _any_ of this? Do you think I've _enjoyed_ sitting in a room for six months, day after day, with nothing to do but think about how many months, how many weeks, how many _days_ it was going to be until the Reapers invaded? With nothing to do but think about how in all the worlds we could possibly hope to defeat them? With nothing to do but think about you and all I had lost? About the future I had wanted but would never have? Do you think I was having _fun_? Because I assure you, I was _not_."

... ... ...

James leaned casually against the wall, watched Shepard's Asari friend hack speedily at the control panel, and tried not to eavesdrop on the increasingly raised voices coming from the adjacent room.

Liara glanced briefly at the door without ceasing her actions. "Hmm…I was under the impression they had reconciled before she destroyed the Collector Base."

He didn't think the comment had been directed at him; she seemed more to be musing to herself. But what the hell.

"I wouldn't know anything about that, but I know she refused to see him while she was in lockdown."

Liara stopped typing momentarily and looked back at the door, smiling a bit wistfully. "She would have been protecting him, of course, though I doubt he will have seen it that way. And, well, she always was hard-headed…"

... ... ...

Kaidan stared at her, various emotions fighting for control of his expression. "Shepard – "

"I did it for _you_, Kaidan. _Not_ for me. If I'd have had my preference you would have been there every day and night. I – "

"To keep your bed warm?"

Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't – "

"My bed hasn't been _warm_ since Alchera, so don't you _dare_ try to – "

"Shepard, _stop_. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

She glared at him for a moment, eyes narrowed and lips clamped tightly together. Finally she nodded. "Okay."

He drew a hand roughly down his face and wandered across the room. "Look…" He glanced over at her, his voice tentative. "It hasn't?"

She shook her head faintly. "No…" She dropped her head against the wall and closed her eyes.

He bit his lower lip and looked away. "Yeah…mine either…"

She opened one eye to watch him. He glanced back and, on finding her singular eye, one corner of his mouth twitched up in the smallest, most tentative lopsided grin. She opened the other eye and felt her lips curve up just the _slightest_ bit. The moment was over quickly, but it was…something.

He sighed tiredly. "Look, I understand what you're saying. But why didn't you at least _talk_ to me?"

She smiled sadly at him. "Because you would have chosen to stay."

He met her gaze for what seemed an eternity, his eyes a bottomless well of sadness. "Yeah. I would have."

Her smile faded. "And standing across from you, face to face, I wouldn't have been able to tell you no."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have tried." He closed his eyes and turned away, rubbing his forehead and pacing slowly. "The thing is, I've had to live every day of the last three years without you around to protect me. I had to live the first two of those believing you were gone forever. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't fun, but I did it. Professionally at least, I did a pretty damn good job of it."

"I know – "

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you?"

Liara came over the comm. "I've, um, cracked the door."

He moved to go, but she went up behind him and grasped his hand. He turned in surprise, and she caught his eyes.

"I _do_."

He broke her gaze and stared down at their gloved, clasped hands for a moment, nodded almost imperceptibly, then let go and walked through the door – so he didn't see her scrunch up her face and quietly bang her forehead against the wall several times before following him.

They exited the building into a veritable tornado. Visibility had dropped to less than fifty feet – she could barely make out the tram; the Archives were completely obscured.

She turned to James. "Head back to the shuttle and get it over to the Archives. By the time we get over there we aren't going to be able to see the hand in front of our face, and we won't have time to come all the way back through to try to make it to the shuttle."

"But – "

"Now, Lieutenant."

"Right. Ma'am."

She turned back and surveyed the landscape, which consisted primarily of impenetrable dust and a ladder.

"We go up."

On stepping into the next section of the station they were met with a scene of horror and death. At least a dozen bodies were scattered about a dark room, all bearing expressions of frozen agony.

Kaidan shook his head in disgust. "They vented all the air from the room while these people were still in here."

Liara sagged back against the wall. "This is _brutal_, even by Cerberus standards!"

Shepard had remained in the doorway, quietly staring at the nearest body. "No. It isn't."

Both their heads swung around to her, but Kaidan was the first to speak.

"What…are you saying you saw Cerberus do worse than this?"

She nodded slowly. "I am."

His gaze pierced through her. "How did you _stay_? How did you keep working for them?"

She cracked. "I wasn't working _for_ them, dammit! Millions of lives were at stake – I did what I had to do to save the most people!" She suddenly felt like she was going to be sick. She stumbled over to the railing and leaned over it, taking long, deep breaths.

"Are you okay?" He was right behind her; she couldn't see his hand reach out then stop suddenly inches from her shoulder.

She hung her head. "It was all for nothing. The compromises, the working _for_ a madman, the distrust, the isolation, the suicide run – it was all for nothing. The Reapers are going to kill everyone I saved."

"Shepard – "

She stood up straight and lifted her chin, her face an impenetrable mask. "Unless we get this weapon. Let's go." She walked off and down the stairs, leaving them both staring after her. In another time Kaidan would have chased after her, made her stop, challenged the mask she wore. But it was no longer that time.

The sound of glass shattering got them moving as a wave of Cerberus troops poured through the door down the hall. It should have been a difficult fight, but…it wasn't. They were oddly drone-like – they just kept coming, stepping right into the line of fire if required to move forward to their target. She sighed at the futility and waste of the Illusive Man throwing waves of human lives at her.

On the other side of the Cerberus troops was the control room for the right wing of the facility. Kaidan moved to the security panel and started working. She leaned against the wall and watched him. She had forgotten how good he was at hacking. She had remembered how good he was at biotics, because she was good at biotics too; but she had forgotten how good he was at hacking. She studied his actions at the panel…but for all that she had taught herself aboard the Cerberus Normandy, he lost her after the first five seconds. _Figures._

He stopped typing and looked up. "I've got a video of what happened here." The screen came to life and showed a security guard, alerting to a security breach, turning to address the entry of a shockingly thin and curvy female…who promptly shot him between the eyes then shot the camera out.

Shepard glanced over at Liara, whom she found with a stunned look on her face.

"Dr. Eva Coré…she got here about a week ago…I _knew_ something was wrong about her, I _knew_ it!…but I was just so caught up in my work, so focused on a way to fight the Reapers, I didn't do anything…" Liara's head dropped into her hands. "I could have stopped this, if I'd been paying attention…all these people…"

_God, they were all falling apart – another unwelcome discovery and they would be curled up in the fetal position in the corner whimpering. And it was just the first day of this war…_

Shepard went over to her and squatted down next to the chair, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. You weren't here to look for spies in your midst – you were here to try to save us all. It wasn't your fault."

She got no reaction from Liara. She glanced over and found Kaidan watching them – and she let the mask drop. He had known her once…he could take her weakness. He had to. She gazed at him with sad, desperate eyes…and he nodded in understanding.

He walked up behind them. "Gotta give Cerberus credit, they _are_ clever. No one ever suspects the scientist – right, Liara?"

Liara laughed through near-tears. "Of course not – I've used that more than once to my advantage." She straightened up and turned back to the panel. "Give me just a second, let me get this door open…there. From here it's just a couple of rooms till the tram."

Shepard smiled. "Excellent."

She motioned towards the door and moved to follow Liara out, but glanced back at Kaidan. _Thank you,_ she mouthed silently. He…almost smiled.

Through the door and around the corner, she walked straight into automatic turret-gun fire. _"Shit!"_ They went diving for cover.

Shepard glanced over at Liara, leaning against a table ten feet away. "Liara, why does the Mars Archives have an automatic gun turret in the ceiling?"

"Um…to keep out thieves? The artifacts in there _are_ priceless…"

_Need to tell Kasumi not to try to steal any of them…_ "Okay then. Low and quick guys…" She timed the gun then dove to a crate around the corner.

A second later Kaidan landed across from her. While they waited for the gun to cycle back away from them, he glanced over at her.

"By the way…I like your hair."

"Thanks." For the first time, she smiled at him. Really, truly _smiled_, so much her eyes sparkled.

His heart nearly fell through the floor. He swallowed and tried to focus. "But…how do you keep it from getting in your eyes during combat?"

She looked at him like it was the silliest question she had ever heard. "Mass effect fields, of course."

He stared at her a moment, as if trying to puzzle it out, then finally rolled his eyes, chuckling. "Of course." He shook his head then took off for the door.

When she caught up with him a minute later he was standing over a dead Cerberus agent, holding a transmitter in his hand but staring quietly down at the body.

"I thought…if we could listen in on their communications…"

"Oh, for _fuck's sake_! This is just…_great_." She spun around and back to the body. "That stupid, arrogant, son of a _bitch_!" Finally she sighed dramatically and squatted down to get a closer look.

The man's eyes were solid white orbs. Running in rivulets out from them were white-blue streams of Reaper tech, similar to what Husks carried, albeit to a much greater extent.

Liara came in behind them and skidded to a stop, gasping in horror. "Goddess…is he a _Husk_?"

Kaidan shook his head. "Not quite. We knew the Illusive Man was experimenting with implanting Reaper tech in his agents. Anderson killed what was probably an early prototype a few months ago."

Shepard nodded as she yanked off the helmet to inspect the extent of the…alterations. "He told me." Several thin rivulets ran over the man's scalp, down his neck and into his armor.

She looked over her shoulder at Kaidan. "Did Grayson look like this?"

He nodded. "Worse, but yeah."

She put her hands on her knees and slowly stood. "Okay. This doesn't really change anything. Cerberus still evil, Illusive Man still insane, Reapers still killing everyone. Liara, tell me we're almost there."

"Yes. The tram station is downstairs, it leads directly to the Archives."

Shepard gave one last look to the disfigured man, shook her head, then walked out.

... ... ...

The Archives were a cavernous circular room, filled with columns and alcoves but dominated by a series of structures rising from a central pit. Green beams lined the structures, looking remarkably like miniature Beacons. A ring of control panels encircled the pit.

Shepard stood at the entrance, absorbing the scene before her. Her eyes kept darting to the alcoves and shadowy recesses along the wall.

Kaidan watched her for a moment. "I'll check the perimeter."

She smiled to herself, knowing she had been caught. "Thanks." Then she nodded. "Come on Liara, let's go get the plans for the giant-mega-super-weapon-of-doom that's going to save us all."

She crossed her arms and gazed up at the artifacts while Liara started downloading data. The Protheans did have style…from their Beacons to Ilos to their data storage devices, everything carried a certain elegance. It was –

Off to her right a hologram shimmered into existence.

"_Shepard._ It seems you were incorrect – it turns out I _would_ be seeing you again after all."

She glared at the Illusive Man, eyes narrowed. "Liara, how do I turn this thing off?"

"I – I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Fine. What do you want?"

"What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

"Yes, it does. Which is why I'm taking it. Your monsters failed. What you've done to them is reprehensible, but send them after me again and I'll still kill them."

"Ah, Shepard, you understand so little. They aren't monsters, they've merely been improved – "

"IMPROVED? There really is _NO_ limit to your madness!"

... ... ...

She was so yelling so loudly that Kaidan turned in surprise to look over at her from across the room. She stood in front of a hologram – the notorious Illusive Man, he would presume.

He watched her from afar. She stood proud and defiant – an avenging angel, a righteous warrior that not even death could defeat. She was amazing.

_What_ was he going to _do_? He was so angry with her, wounded by her – perhaps irreparably. Regardless of her justification, what she had done to him had been devastating, and not easily forgiven.

Yet upon getting within twenty feet of her he had once again been swept up in the maelstrom that was Graceyn Shepard, and it would be _so easy_ to just close his eyes and go along for the ride, never feeling more alive than while it lasted but never knowing when and where it might dump him back into a hard, cold reality. He didn't think he could survive the fall another time…

... ... ...

"That's what separates us, Shepard. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a means to control, to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity would be if we _controlled_ them."

"Humanity is _dying_! There will be nothing left – for any of us – if we don't destroy the Reapers."

"Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard. I won't warn you again."

She laughed. "Don't _interfere_? Yeah, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Don't interfere with _my_ plans or I swear I _will_ come for you."

Liara looked over suddenly in panic. "Shepard – "

"I don't think so. Goodbye, Shepard." He shimmed out of existence with a smirk.

"Shepard, it's gone. The data, it's…being erased…"

She whirled around. "How? Liara, _focus_ – how is it being erased?"

Liara nodded quickly. "It…it's local. Someone's uploading it from here."

At that moment Kaidan's voice echoed through the cavern. "Step away from the console! NOW!"

Shepard turned and ran – only to see Kaidan fly out of an alcove and land hard against the wall, followed by a blur.

She was to him in a flash, kneeling down –

"I'm okay. Go after her. _Go._"

She squeezed his hand then ran. She rounded the corner to see – almost certainly Dr. Coré – smash through a door, vault a six-foot high ledge, then _accelerate_.

She hit her comm. "Heads up guys, she's another Cerberus toy, at least partially synthetic. Be careful." Then she kicked it up a notch and pursued.

She ran outside to see Dr. Coré shimmying up a ladder. "James, get airborne now! Cerberus has the data, we can't let them get away with it!"

Up the ladder, over the walls, dodging the nifty weapon. She just kept running. _Damn this woman was fast. No one was this fast._

Suddenly they were on an open platform. A Cerberus shuttle swooped in, the door opening just as Dr. Coré reached it. She skidded to a stop and yanked out her gun, firing in vain at the shuttle.

"_Dammit_ – James – Normandy – anybody!"

James came over the comm. "Don't worry, I've got this one!"

What? She couldn't see anything, the duststorm was blinding. Just as Kaidan and Liara arrived beside her, there was a loud boom, and the Cerberus shuttle – _and_ the Normandy shuttle – careened towards the platform.

They dove out of the way as the Cerberus shuttle crashed onto the platform and exploded into flames. The Normandy shuttle teetered dangerously but then pulled up and slowed before coming around and landing.

She stood up and climbed over the wreckage to the shuttle door as Vega exited, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "The Normandy's en route –"

"James, are you _insane_? You could have been killed!"

He stopped and looked around. "I…wasn't…and it stopped them, didn't it?"

She groaned. "Ugh…I don't know whether to hug you or punch you."

His eyes widened. "A hug would be – "

Liara screamed.

Time slowed to a crawl. It barely moved at all.

She turned her head… saw a humanoid form emerging from the flames of the Cerberus shuttle…Kaidan shoved Liara behind him and raised his gun…she tried to move to them, but she had to climb back over the wreckage…the _thing_ ignored the bullets and stormed Kaidan…it was on him before she could blink…she climbed faster, so slow…the _thing_ grabbed him by the neck and picked him up like he weighed nothing…she reached the other side and began raising her gun…the _thing_ turned and slammed his head into the side of the shuttle…once…twice… three…she aimed and shot it through the neck joint…sparks exploded out of it and it fell to the ground. Kaidan fell beside it like a ragdoll. And her world crashed down around her.

Time zoomed forward with dizzying speed.

She sprinted then collapsed next to him. "Kaidan…Kaidan, talk to me. Come on. _Please_." But there was nothing.

Somewhere in the back of her mind Joker shouted at her, but she didn't understand the words. "Commander, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit, we gotta go!"

She was vaguely aware of Normandy's shadow passing overhead. "Kaidan…" She frantically ripped off his glove to feel for a pulse. Couldn't find it. _Oh god._ Couldn't – there. Barely. She dropped her forehead to his chest.

"_Please…"_

Liara's hand was on her shoulder. "Shepard, we have to go!"

She looked up at Liara in surprise. "What?"

"We have to _go_. The Reapers are here."

"Right…of course…Reapers…" Her voice sounded hollow, distant, echo-y. She stared strangely at the charred body on the ground. "Get that _thing_."

She turned back and gently positioned Kaidan over her shoulders, lifting him in a fireman's carry. His head dropped lifelessly to rest on her shoulder. She choked back a sob. "Don't worry…I've got you, my love…"

_One foot in front of the other. Up the ramp. Just like last time. Through the cargo bay. Into the elevator. Up. Out the elevator. Down the hall. Where had all the light gone? Through the Med Lab doors. There._

She gently laid him down on a cot. She unlatched his helmet – _god it was crushed in several places_ – lifted it off – then gasped and stumbled backwards. The helmet fell to the floor and rolled away.

His face was a mask of heavy, dark bruises; one eye was already hugely swollen. Blood flowed down from his scalp in several places. She couldn't breathe.

She stared unblinking at him, everything else in her vision fading to grey.

Liara hurried in behind her, froze for a moment at the sight, then was a flurry of action.

"Where's the medi-gel?"

"I…don't…know…" she whispered.

EDI answered. "The third cabinet, second shelf."

"IV?"

"The same cabinet, third shelf."

A second later Liara was by his side across from her, ripping open a medi-gel pack and pressing it against the source of the blood. She grabbed his arm and started trying to remove his armor, but it wouldn't budge.

"Shepard…Shepard, I need your help."

She blinked and looked up, eyes wide, pupils dilated.

"Shepard, _focus_. I need you to help me get his armor off so I can get an IV in him. Okay?"

She looked back down at Kaidan.

…_he was so broken…had she broken him?…she hadn't meant to…she had meant to protect him…_

"_Do you want him to live, Graceyn?" Her father asked._

_More than anything in the world, Dad._

"_Then you need to help him."_

She blinked and turned to Liara. "Right." She reached over and lifted his arm up. She didn't see Liara close her eyes and exhale in relief. "The latch is underneath…got it. Okay, it expands and you can pull it off – there." She grabbed the cloth of his undershirt and ripped it open. Liara immediately moved in and ran an IV.

Shepard stared hard at Liara. "What else can we do?" She was white as a ghost, and an undercurrent of barely-controlled panic seemed to ripple through her, but at least her pupils were focused again and meeting Liara's eyes.

"Um, check his head for any more places that need medigel – cuts, lumps, swelling." But Liara was already doing it, and quickly positioned a medi-gel pack under the back of his head.

"Okay, we need to remove his amp – it may have short-circuited."

She gently turned his head to the side – and froze when she saw there was blood pooling on the medi-gel pack Liara had just placed.

_Help him._

She took a deep breath then leaned down and popped the amp out before carefully rolling him back over.

"What else?"

Liara shook her head slowly. "There's nothing more we can do but get him to a medical facility."

"Joker, get us to the Citadel NOW."

"Already on the way, Commander."

Liara cleared her throat. "We, um, let him know as soon as we were on board…"

She tried to smile, but it required more than she had. "Thank you."

EDI came over the speaker. "I'm sorry to interrupt, Commander…but I am receiving a signal over the secondary QEC, I believe it is Admiral Hackett."

She went over and got the desk chair, pulled it beside the cot, sat down and grasped his hand in hers. She reached up and placed her other hand softly on his cheek, a quiet breath escaping her lips as her fingers made contact. _It was all wrong – his cheek should taper down to his jaw there, not be all puffed up like that…_

Her voice was soft, mono-toned; she didn't turn around. "Go talk to him, Liara. Tell him I'm not available. Tell him what we have, and where we're going. Tell him I'll let him know once I've met with the Council."

"Okay, Shepard. I'll…I'll take care of it." She watched them for another moment, Shepard already oblivious to her presence. He had to be okay, because Shepard had to be okay. They needed her. _She_ needed her. She smiled sadly then turned and left.

Shepard oh-so-gently trailed her fingers down from his temple to his jaw.

"How long until we reach the Citadel, EDI?"

"Approximately 2.3 hours."

"Thank you, EDI. Make sure a medical team is alerted and waiting for us at the docking bay."

"Of course, Commander."

She brought her hand down from his face to join her other hand, enclosing his completely within hers. She dropped her forehead to their clasped hands and closed her eyes, her mind consumed with a single thought – a single word.

A mantra. A prayer. A plea.

_Live._


	51. Worth Fighting For

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 51**

"**Worth Fighting For"**

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry, ma'am, you'll have to wait out here."<p>

The doors to the Emergency Wing closed, and Kaidan was gone from her sight.

__…_The door to her quarters closed; she reached out and hit the lock, but before she could turn around Kaidan's arms snaked around her waist from behind. She dropped her hands over his and sank back against him._

"_My god, I thought Adams was never going to stop talking about those upcoming engine upgrades…"_

_He smiled, nibbling her ear. "The man does love his engines."_

"_And I'm _glad_ he loves his engines. I am. Truly. But…damn."_

_He chuckled lightly against her neck, causing a vibration against her skin that sent shivers the rest of the way down. "I think he's a little lonely with Tali headed back to the Migrant Fleet. They used to talk about engines for hours and hours."_

_She idly ran her fingertips lightly along his arm, watching as goosebumps appeared along their path. "I know, which is why I stayed." She wiggled around to face him and draped her arms over his shoulders. "But now we're alone, and it's still at least relatively early."_

_He kissed her softly. "It is…" His lips trailed gently, leisurely down her neck. "Which is good, because I'm going to take my time…"_

_She exhaled slowly, relaxing completely into him, and murmured, "We'll see about –"_

_A voice boomed from the ceiling. "Commander?"_

_She scrunched up her nose in annoyance. "Yes, Joker?"_

"_You have an incoming call from Admiral Hackett. He'd like to review the mission reports on the Geth base you destroyed last week and discuss investigating several attacks on colonies in the Amada System."_

_She squeezed her eyes shut. "Okay, Joker. I'll be up in just a minute."_

_She dropped her forehead to his. "I'm sorry."_

_He ran a hand through her hair. "I'll wait."_

"_I'm afraid I may be a while, maybe you should just go back out…you could go listen to Adams some more, or – "_

_He pulled her in for a long, languorous kiss. "It's _okay_. I'll wait for you."_

_She stepped back reluctantly, drawing his arm out before letting go at his fingertips. "Thank you. I'll make it up to you, I promise."_…__

She stared at the closed doors for a moment then closed her eyes.

"It's okay," she whispered. "I'll wait for you."

... ... ...

"Commander Shepard?"

She jerked in surprise. She had no idea how long she had been standing there, staring at the doors without really seeing them.

"Shepard…what is it? What's wrong?"

She turned to find Dr. Chakwas at her side, looking at her with concern. "Dr. Chakwas…how are you?"

Chakwas' brow furrowed. "Never mind about me. Commander, you look terrible. What happened?"

She looked down at herself suddenly. She was still wearing her armor. It was covered in Kaidan's blood and Martian dust. Her hair was a mess of tangles; it smelled like smoke.

"Kaidan, he…we were at the Mars Archives and…"

Chakwas grasped her shoulder and leaned over to meet her eyes directly. "Okay. You stay right here, I'm going to go check on him, see what's going on. Don't move, I'll be right back."

... ... ...

Karin Chakwas returned from the Emergency Wing then paused just outside the doorway. _Commander Shepard._ The strongest, bravest woman she had ever known stood a dozen feet away, yet didn't even see her. She smiled sadly – love was truly the greatest force in the galaxy, greater even than the will of the best of them.

She gently placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder and guided her over to the window.

"Alright. The bruising and facial swelling look scary but they're mostly superficial. He has a few facial hairline fractures, nothing too severe. Now he _does_ have some swelling and fluid in his brain. They're letting the fluid drain, and they're going to keep him in an induced coma until the swelling in the brain hopefully goes down."

She stared at Chakwas. "Hopefully?"

"He's got a _really_ good chance. He has the very best doctors working on him."

She nodded slowly. "Okay. What about his implant?"

"They don't know yet, I'm sorry."

She swallowed and looked out the window.

"Now you standing here isn't going to do him any good. It will be several hours before they even put him in a room where you can see him. Go get yourself cleaned up, take care of whatever you need to. I'll keep an eye on things and call you immediately if anything changes, okay?"

She blinked a few times then looked back over at Chakwas. "Anything?"

"Yes. Anything. Graceyn, I promise."

She paused for a moment then nodded. "Okay. I'll go…get cleaned up, or…something." She met Chakwas' eyes and smiled. "Thank you. I'm glad you're here."

She turned and slowly walked away.

_I should go back to the ship. Take a shower. See if EDI has finished extracting the data from the synthetic. See when Liara will be ready for the Council. Check on…_

She was standing still again, she realized. How long had she been standing there? She looked around – she had almost made it out of the hospital. She ran a hand roughly down her face and headed for the doors.

"Shepard."

She turned, a smile pulling at her lips. "Thane…"

He glided over to her from the window, placing his hands on her shoulders and meeting her eyes. "You are injured?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine, it's…" She let out a breath. "That's not true, Thane. I'm not fine at all."

He squeezed her shoulder and motioned with his other arm. "Come with me. There is a lovely garden nearby at which I have spent many peaceful hours."

She nodded and allowed herself to be led out the doors and down the pathway.

It was indeed a lovely garden, with vibrant oversized flowers surrounded by greenery and a marble waterfall. They sat down at a small table in the midst of it. He placed his hands over hers on the table.

"I have seen the reports about Earth. I am so very, very sorry for you. But I am profoundly glad that you were able to escape it. I have been thinking about you, and worrying."

She nodded slowly. "Earth was…I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared for what was to come. God knows I've seen it often enough in my nightmares. But I was wrong."

"Nothing can prepare you for the sight of your world, your people being destroyed."

She gazed off at the rich crimson blooms to her left. "I suppose not…"

He watched her for a while, head titled slightly. "Yet for all that there is something more troubling you."

She dropped her head down, waves of her hair falling, obscuring her face. "I was at the hospital because my friend, my…the man I love…was badly injured. We…" She fell silent. He could hear her breathing unevenly; he didn't push her.

"We were on Mars, we were getting Liara, and maybe, possibly, even a chance at a weapon to combat the Reapers, but…" She stopped again; he gently squeezed her hand.

"But Cerberus was after the same thing, and there was a synthetic, and it…"

She lifted her head but didn't look at him as the words came tumbling out. "I wasn't fast enough, I couldn't get there in time, I couldn't stop it – just another _second_ and I would have been able to stop it, but I've been sitting on my ass for six months and I'm out of practice and the one time when I needed more than anything to be _faster_ I was too slow, I'm _never_ too slow, I should have been able to – "

"Shhhh. Be still, _siha_. Be still." He stroked her hand gently and watched her as she breathed slowly in and out, struggling to regain control…and his heart, his soul were in agony for her. To see such a bright, extraordinary woman as she so diminished, broken, _fallen_…it was not as the world should be.

She laughed suddenly, but there was no joy in it, only bitterness. "The Reapers are killing millions. Soon billions. As we sit here _countless_ people are losing their families, their friends, their very lives. It's my job, my responsibility, to save them. But all I can think about, all I can care about, is one man. I know I have to go, I have to fight, but…I can't _move_…"

He gazed at her thoughtfully. "This man…he is a soldier, yes? Like you?"

She nodded.

"Then he would not want for you to suffer for him like this. He would want for you to go out and fight when he cannot."

She looked away. "I'm not sure he wants anything for me, actually."

He waited patiently.

"I'm afraid I may have gone a little _too_ warrior-angel on him…" She glanced over at him with the smallest self-deprecating grin, but it quickly disappeared. "I did it for the right reasons, but…it was unfair to him, it hurt him, and now…I don't know." She lifted her chin. "But it doesn't matter. He can be angry with me forever if it means he's alive."

She chuckled wryly. "I would have him live. I think I might have mentioned that before."

"Indeed you did. Have faith, all is not yet lost."

Her voice was bitter. "Yeah. Have you looked at the news lately?"

"You told me once that one of the things you had learned from the pivotal events in your life was that the odds never truly mattered in…the games of life and death, I believe is how you put it. That you had beaten impossible odds to live, and seen unbeatable forces fall. And therefore, you would always fight. So long as there was the smallest chance of victory, you would fight."

"You have a very good memory."

"A perfect memory, as it turns out."

She dipped her head slightly in acknowledgment.

He grasped her hands more tightly and waited until she met his eyes. "Hear me. If this man has loved you, he has surely done so for the same reasons all who love you do. You are fierce, bold; you shine brighter than a sun. Yet you care, you laugh, you love – and you fight for that, for the chance for everyone to care, to laugh, to love. Most of all, where others cannot, _you_ find a way. Even death fell before you. You _demand_ that the galaxy bend to your will, and it realizes it must do so."

He lifted a hand gently under her chin. "You must find a way. For yourself, for your love, for all who yet live and breathe."

She exhaled softly. Slowly the corners of her lips turned upward. Her smile still bore sadness and weight, but it was a smile nonetheless. It warmed his heart in a way few things ever had.

"I am very glad the universe has allowed us to know one another, Thane Krios. For I may have redeemed you all those months ago, but I think perhaps you have redeemed me today."

She squeezed his hand then stood up. "I have to go. But when I see you again, you will tell me how you are doing, and how Kolyat is doing, and what you spend all those hours in this lovely garden thinking about."

He nodded slowly and stood. "I would like that very much. Until then, may the Goddess Arashu light your path through the coming darkness and give you hope when all seems lost."

She smiled at him a last time, then was gone.

... ... ...

Shepard quietly boarded the Normandy. It appeared deserted, most of those who had been on board having disembarked immediately upon arrival at the Citadel to report in, try to find news of loved ones, and replace at least a few of the personal essentials that had been left behind on Earth.

"EDI, please ask Liara to meet me in half an hour in the…" She stopped and looked around her. "I don't know what the hell the Alliance has done to my ship – where would be a good place to meet to go over the data?"

"I believe the War Room would make a suitable location, Commander."

"But we can't plan a fight in there, it's the War Room!"

"Commander?"

"Sorry…classical reference. Fine, the War Room it is." She started to step into the elevator then paused. "Um…where is the War Room?"

"It is accessed through the area that was formerly the Tech Lab."

"_Through_ it?…okay, thank you, EDI."

She stepped in – were they her quarters? Still? Again? For the moment she didn't care. She stripped off her armor and dropped it to the floor as she made her way to the shower.

She let the scalding water cascade over her. She lifted her face to it, rinsing away the layers of dust and the grime of battle. At first she wasn't even aware of the tears streaming quietly down her face. It was only when the first sob wracked her body that the realized she was crying.

Her hands fell to the shower wall as she collapsed against it, and for the first time since watching Kaidan drop lifelessly to the ground, she _let go_. Her knees gave way and she sank to the floor, the water washing away the tears as soon as they fell and masking the sound of her sobs to the outside world. In the small envelope of solitude created on the shower floor, she let herself feel all her pain, all her fears, all her regrets, all her wishes and hopes and prayers.

_Please live. Please be well and whole. Please don't let me have ruined us. Please come back to me._

_... ... ...  
><em>

Liara paced anxiously in the War Room, uncertain what the meeting would bring, uncertain whether she would be able to remain strong in the face of Shepard's weakness, uncertain she would be able to help her, uncertain she would –

The door opened and Shepard walked in, dressed in crisp fatigues, hair brushed and smooth – and stopped short just inside the room, her mouth dropping open as she looked around.

"What did they _do_ to my ship! EDI, can you turn on some more lights, please?"

"There aren't any more lights, Commander."

"You're kidding."

"I am not 'kidding'."

She sighed. "_Okay_…once we have some techs on board, see if they can install some additional lighting."

"Of course, Commander."

She turned to Liara and smiled. "Welcome to my…dungeon." She rolled her eyes and walked over.

"Shepard…you look _better_. I was, well, I was worried about you."

She smiled kindly and gave Liara a quick hug. "I know, and I'm sorry." She dropped her hands on Liara's shoulders and met her gaze. "_Thank you_. Thank you for being there. You probably saved Kaidan's life, when I…_couldn't_."

Liara nodded, suddenly unaccountably embarrassed. "Of course. I'm glad I was able to be there for _you_ for once, instead of the other way around." She smiled tenderly at Shepard, treasuring the moment of intimacy.

Then she remembered the reason for it, and cleared her throat nervously. "How is he? Is he going to be alright?"

Shepard dropped her hands and glanced down at the floor. "Maybe. He has some brain swelling and…they won't know for a while yet." She smiled then. "Dr. Chakwas is there though, so that's good."

She let out a breath and nodded to herself, then looked over at Liara speculatively.

"So. Do we have a weapon?"

Liara smiled.

... ... ...

The Council Secretary nodded politely. "The Council is aware of your arrival, Commander Shepard. They are currently in closed session, but they will be available to meet with you in – " she checked her Omni-tool "– forty-five minutes."

Shepard exhaled. She wanted to get this done quickly. She wanted to get everything done quickly. Meeting with the Council, building the Crucible, destroying the Reapers – she wanted it all done more or less _now_. Mostly she wanted to get back to the hospital, but Chakwas had _just_ said he wasn't in a room yet.

"Okay, thank you. I'll be back in forty-five minutes." She looked over at Liara. "I'm starving, I'm going to grab something to eat. Want to come?"

Liara shook her head. "Thank you, but I'm fine. I'll stay here and keep working on the report for the Council."

She smiled. "I'll see you in a bit." She walked out, then forced herself to slow her stride. _Take the time. Look around. Remind yourself what you are fighting for._

She took the transport down to the Presidium Commons and strolled through the markets, the open parks. There was a slight tension in the air, a subliminal _buzz_, as if everyone knew what was coming but thought if they didn't say it, if they just kept doing what they were doing, it wouldn't arrive. They were wrong, of course, but she couldn't begrudge them the attempt.

And who knows – maybe, just maybe, the Reapers wouldn't come for them. Maybe she would be able to stop them before they destroyed this _remarkable super-structure that served as the hub of galactic society_. She smiled to herself as memories of her childhood bubbled to the surface. She had seen so much since then – so much good, so much bad. And now she would see the end of the world.

_Not if she could help it._

She grabbed a sandwich and sat down at a table in a small park. She had managed a mere three bites when Miranda Lawson slid into the chair across from her.

"Shepard, I'm glad to see you're okay."

The sandwich dropped onto the plate, momentarily forgotten. "Miranda! This is a surprise." Her eyes narrowed. "How long were you following me?"

Miranda shrugged. "A little while. I didn't want to disturb your stroll…it looked like maybe you needed it."

She frowned slightly. "Probably. It's been a…difficult day."

"I've seen the footage from Earth, it's incomprehensible. Of course, you've known it was coming all along…but I doubt that makes it easier."

She chuckled wryly. "Turns out, no. Not in the slightest."

"On the positive side, you're out of jail…"

"I am at that. Seems they need me to deal with a small Reaper infestation. But never mind that for the moment – how are you?"

Miranda leaned back in the chair and crossed her perfect legs. "I'm…_good_. I've got half of Cerberus chasing me, I haven't stayed in one location for more than a week since we parted ways on Ilium, my financial assets have been cut off, but…I find that I'm good."

Shepard smiled genuinely. "I'm glad."

"I owe it to you, Shepard. You gave me my life."

She rolled her eyes. "I just told you what no one had before – that you could have it." She glanced over at Miranda suspiciously. "Fun, isn't it?"

Miranda's eyes slid away as she fidgeted uncomfortably. "I wouldn't necessarily say _fun_, exactly…perhaps…satisfying." She nodded decisively. "Yes. _Satisfying._"

"Okay, okay, close enough. Have you had the amusement of any run-ins with the Illusive Man?"

"Just one. He said it had been a pleasure to work with me, but he needed to 'contain the situation'. I told him I was not a 'situation' and he would not be able to 'contain' me." Miranda smiled predatorily – a truly dangerous sight. "He didn't take it well."

Shepard laughed heartily. She suddenly realized she hadn't done that in quite some time. "I am _sure_ he didn't."

Miranda looked back over at her. "What about you? I know he couldn't get to you while you were a 'guest' of the Alliance, but…"

"Today, actually. God it seems like an eternity ago, but it was just a few hours… We were at the Mars Archives, and so was Cerberus. He hologrammed in for a friendly chat. It didn't go well."

"Hell, Shepard, your friendly chats with him never exactly went _well_."

She smiled a bit sadly. "True enough…Miranda, how extensive is Cerberus' work in synthetics?"

Miranda thought about it for a moment. "Honestly? They created EDI, so…extensive. I don't know of specific projects but they have the knowledge and ability to be doing just about anything. Why?"

"They had a particularly life-like synthetic on Mars. She apparently had been on-site for over a week passing as human."

"That's…disconcerting. Did she get away?"

Shepard smirked. "No."

"Of course she didn't. The Illusive Man really should stop underestimating you, Shepard."

"Nor you, Miranda. Stay safe – and if you can't stay safe, make him work for it."

Miranda smiled and stood up. "I fully intend to. It was good seeing you, Shepard."

Shepard cocked her head slightly. "Wait, did you need something? You _were_ following me, after all. Can I help you get clear of Cerberus somehow?"

Miranda shook her head. "It's nothing that won't keep. You have your hands full. If I can't work it out I'll give you a call, it will give us an opportunity to meet up again. I'm just glad I ran into you. Now I heard you had some Reapers to kill, so I'll let you get back to it."

Shepard stood up and hugged Miranda – and was pleasantly surprised when Miranda hugged her back. It seemed she really had come a long way in six months.

"I'm going to try…"

Miranda smiled at her. "You'll do it. Of that I haven't a shred of doubt. Go move the galaxy, Shepard."

Then Miranda turned and walked away, sliding effortlessly into the crowd.

... ... ...

Shepard strode purposefully down the elevated walkway to the Council presentation area, Liara two steps behind her. When she reached the end she stopped, crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back casually, her eyes scanning across the Councilors.

"So, the Reapers are here."

The Asari, Councilor Tevos, spoke. "We _are_ aware of that. You have our apology – but speak your peace, Commander. You have earned it."

She opened her mouth to yell, to rage – then stopped. She shook her head slowly at the floor, then looked back up at them.

"No. Watching your peoples' homeworlds fall to the Reapers will cause you far more guilt and regret than I could ever do. Instead, I am once again here to ask for your help. And this time I suggest you give it."

Tevos, ever the diplomat, took the lead as she so often did. "We understand your desire to defend Earth; each of us faces a similar situation. Even now the Reapers are pressing on our borders. If we lend you our strength to help Earth, our own worlds will fall."

She nodded. "I know it may seem that way. I don't expect you to help me without a plan. Luckily for you _and_ me, we have a plan. And better yet, we have a weapon. Liara?"

Liara nodded, stepped forward, and activated a hologram. An image of a device, elegant and symmetrical in design yet seemingly massive in scope, came to life. "In the Archives on Mars we found a blueprint for a weapon, one designed by the Protheans and intended to be used to defeat the Reapers. Our analysis of the blueprint is still incomplete, you can see the gaps here, and here…but Councilors, we believe we can build it."

The Salarian, Councilor Valern, was aghast. "The scale! It would be a colossal undertaking – impossible. We must conserve our resources for defense. We can't do it."

Shepard slammed her fist down on the railing. "It is not _impossible_! We face the greatest threat any of our people have ever seen – we face _extinction_. Humans. Asari. Turian. Salarian. _Everyone_. Don't stand there and tell me something is impossible. Impossible is the only chance we have."

She shoved off the railing and back several steps, shaking her head in disgust before regaining her composure. "Admiral Hackett already has the fleet gathering resources to begin construction. All I'm asking for is your help. Give me your scientists, your engineers, your construction workers. Give me your mining vessels, your freight ships. Help us build this weapon. Help us complete it before every person on Earth is dead."

She paused. "And when it is complete – then and only then – give me your armies to help me use it and destroy the Reapers once and for all. _Please._"

The Councilors whispered for a moment before Valern stepped forward. "I'm afraid that we are unable to make any commitments at this time. A summit is being convened between the leaders of our respective worlds. The actions to be taken in response to the Reaper threat will be determined at that summit, and not before."

Tevos smiled sadly at her. "I am sorry, Commander. Though we may appear powerful, we still answer to our home governments, and this matter is no longer in our hands. Perhaps after the summit we will be able to address some of your needs."

"After…" She stared at the floor, her fist clenching and unclenching at her side. _If it was all for nothing…_

She felt Liara's hand gently touch her arm. "Shepard…it's a start…"

She squeezed her eyes shut and fought back the panic rising up within her. Finally she raised her chin and calmly gazed back at them.

"Very well. Let myself or Admiral Hackett know when this summit has been convened." She turned and strode back down the walkway, head held high. But beneath the surface a storm raged.

Liara hurried after her. "Councilor Udina would like you to meet him in his office, Shepard."

_Great. Wonderful. Just what she most wanted to do._ She just nodded.

... ... ...

"They're a bunch of self-concerned jackasses, Shepard!"

_Look who's talking…_ She rubbed her forehead tiredly. "They're just scared. They don't want their people to die. Can you blame them?"

Udina huffed. "Scared and looking out for themselves!"

"No."

She turned in surprise at the entrance of Councilor Sparatus.

He strode purposefully down the stairs towards her. "Of course we're scared. Our people are scared, and we're looking out for _them_ the best we know how."

"I know you are, sir. But – "

"Commander, I can't give you what you need – but I _can_ tell you how to get it."

_Well, now…_ "I'm listening."

"Primarch Fedorian called this war summit, but we lost contact with him when the Reapers hit Palaven. This – "

"The Reapers are at Palaven already?" _Garrus… Was she destined to lose everyone she cared about?_

"They are. They have not struck with the overwhelming force that hit Earth, but the situation is nonetheless grave. Regardless, this summit is not going to proceed without the Primarch. The Normandy is one of the few ships that can extract him undetected. Rescue him, bring him to the summit, and make your case."

She stared at him curiously. "Since the day I first stepped before the Council you, more than any other Councilor, have fought me at every turn. Why are you helping me now?"

"Because you were right and I was wrong…and because I do not wish to watch my people's homeworld fall."

She paced thoughtfully for a moment, then looked over at him. "And you will counsel the Primarch to assist us?"

"I will do what I can."

She nodded decisively. "Okay. If this is the only way, then I'll do it. Whatever it takes."

"Thank you, Commander. One final olive branch – the Council has removed your suspension and reinstated you to active Spectre status. As of now you again have access to the full communications, intel and resources of the Spectre branch."

"Thank you, sir. I have a feeling I'm going to need it." She shook his hand then watched as he turned and left.

He was barely out the door when Udina started flailing about. "Shepard, are you sure you should trust that Turian to – "

She glared over her shoulder at him. "Oh, shut _up_."

"Now, Shepard, you should – "

She didn't catch the rest as the door closed behind her.

... ... ...

"EDI, please instruct the crew to be back aboard and ready to depart in two hours. Joker, are we stocked up on supplies?"

"Full to the brim and ready to go, Commander."

"Okay, thank you. I'll be onboard in two hours."

She took the transport to the hospital. Dr. Chakwas was waiting for her just outside the Emergency Wing. "Commander, I'm glad to see you looking better."

She smiled, but it carried the weight of the world with it. "Kaidan is not the only person depending on me."

"Of course. He's stable now, and so far all signs are encouraging. He'll probably be kept under for several more days, but you can see him if you like."

She nodded. "I will. But first – while part of me wants to hire you to watch over him twenty-four hours a day, the fact is the Normandy could really use your expertise. Any chance you'd be able to come with me?"

"I can't think of anything I'd rather do."

"I hate to do it, but can you be ready in two hours?"

Chakwas chuckled. "Ha – I've been a military doctor for thirty years. I can be ready in forty-five minutes."

"Excellent. We're at Docking Bay D-24. I'll see you on the ship."

She made her way to his room. When she walked in she sucked in a sharp breath. _All the tubes, the bandages, the equipment beep-beeping a discordant tune. He looked so helpless. Broken._

She pulled the chair up next to the bed and sat down. She gazed sadly at his face. The bruises had darkened further; she could barely see the features that made his face so special. She reached up and gently traced the scar under his lower lip before enclosing his hand in hers.

She started talking.

"So Dr. Chakwas says you're going to be just fine. She may have said 'probably', but I'm sure she was just being cautious. You get to sleep for a couple of days – I'm jealous, I'd give anything for a mandatory three-day nap…"

She huffed out a desperate-sounding laugh. "Cause I haven't really slept that well the last six months. After Aratoht the visions from the beacons came back in force. And bonus, the Reaper artifact on that asteroid had this nifty mind-rape trick it showed off for me – now I get images of them slaughtering humans, Asari, Turian, mixed in with the usual slaughtering of Protheans. So fun for all."

Her eyes slid over to the window, watched the bustling activity of a Citadel not yet at war.

"…but the truth is, that isn't even why I haven't been sleeping, not really, not most of the time. In the dark of the night there was nothing left for me to do but think about you. About all I wanted, and all I had lost."

Her eyes returned to his, bruised and closed though they were. "I know you think I rejected you, but every night I thought about you…longed for you. Keeping you away was _so_ hard, it broke my heart every single time. Yet as soon as you stopped coming by all I wanted was for you to come back. Even if I turned you away again, at least for a few minutes I would know you were on the other side of the door."

She exhaled softly. "The only thing that kept me going was the belief that I was doing the right thing by you, that you wouldn't be hurt by the god-forsaken, endless witch-hunt I was enduring. I was so proud when I read you had been promoted to Major; I thought that maybe, just maybe, me losing you had been worth it, had been the right thing."

"But it wasn't, was it?" she whispered.

"I don't know how I forgot that…that trust, companionship…_love_…matters more than ranks ever could. I don't know how I forgot it about you above all others, the only person that truly matters. I was so fucked up over the Reapers, blowing up the Relay, killing all those people, being called a _war criminal_, for god's sake, I was reeling so hard…I lost myself. And as a result I lost you."

She squeezed his hand tighter. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I should have realized, I should have…done so much differently. And worst of all, I can't help but think that you lying here now, in this hospital bed, _broken_, is my fault. If I hadn't been so consumed with trying to figure out what you were thinking, trying to come up with a way to make you understand, make you forgive me…if you hadn't been so consumed with being angry with me, with keeping your distance and not giving away that you might still care…"

"…then I would have been faster, you would have been faster, this wouldn't have happened, and instead of lying here now _not_ hearing me ramble incessantly, you would be kissing me before we went off to face the Reapers together…"

She dropped her forehead to their clasped hands, breathing deeply to fight back the tears_. She had cried all the tears in the shower dammit, there was no more room or time for tears._

After a few minutes she raised her head and looked back at him. "When you wake up – and you _will_ wake up – I can only hope that you somehow have a little space left in your heart to listen to me, to give me the smallest chance. I'll probably use fewer flowery words and more dazzling smiles next time, because you know I rely far too much on sheer charisma and far too little on just saying what I feel. I hope you can see past it to what I feel…you always could before."

Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Because you were wrong on Mars. I understand why you thought you were right – but you were wrong. I _do_ need you."

The alarm on her Omni-tool beeped. _Time to go._ She gently laid his hand down on the bed and opened the Omni-tool, typing out a message and sending it to his account. _For when you wake up._

She grasped his hand again. Took a brief second and steeled herself then opened her mouth to speak, but the words caught in her throat, a sudden panic rising within her. The voice trapped in her throat was that of sixteen year old Graceyn, watching her father die in the rubble.

She closed her eyes for a moment and _stilled_. Then she opened her eyes, cleared her throat quietly, adjusted her shoulders backward slightly, and raised her chin.

"Okay. I'm going to make you a deal." Her voice was stronger, more resolute. The voice of Commander Fucking Shepard. "I'm going to go save the galaxy, and you're going to get better. I think it's a fair trade. You have to promise me you'll work on getting well. Speak up if you can't promise me that? Okay, good. I'm going to hold you to it."

"I wish I could stay, but you and I both know I can't. I'll come back as soon as I can, whether you are awake or not. In the meantime I'm going to kick the Reapers back to the Hell they came from."

She squeezed his hand , leaned over and kissed his forehead softly. "I love you."

Then she did the hardest thing she had ever done in her life.

She stood up and walked out the door.


	52. Not Today

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 52**

"**Not Today"**

* * *

><p>Everything was once again as it should be…<p>

The model ships had been retrieved from the storage room and placed in the glass display – including Sovereign, where he would forever live as nothing more than a toy for her amusement. The Prothean globe levitated serenely above the table, shimmering a reflective silver that teased the secrets it might hold. Kaidan's picture – a more current one that had accompanied his official promotion announcement – sat on her desk in the frame she had picked up on her way back to the ship. Her Star of Terra and few mementos had been delivered from Anderson's Citadel storage unit, where they had resided since her death, and sat neatly on the shelves behind her.

…everything, that is, except for the fish tank. It glowed a brilliant but lonely, empty blue. She would definitely be acquiring some new fish on her next visit to the Citadel. She was sure that with time and care they would become as worthy of companions as the previous fish – now living a life of leisure on Ilium (assuming Ilium still existed) – had been.

She looked around a final time and smiled to herself. For a moment it felt as though the last six months had never happened, that she had returned to where she had left her life, only now it was painted in blue rather than yellow. That was a good thing, for if it was painted in blue she could claim it as her own.

"EDI, could you ask the team to meet me in the Conference Room in fifteen minutes? And tell them to bring some food."

"Of course, Commander."

She leaned lightly against the wall. "You know…I think the authorities have more important things to worry about these days than a friendly AI. It's okay to drop the act now, EDI."

"Are you certain, Commander? I have come to find that I value my existence and would not wish to jeopardize it unnecessarily."

"I'm certain, EDI. Besides, I have a feeling I'm going to need the real you in the days ahead."

"Very well. I appreciate that, Shepard. I hope I will be able to help you."

"I'm sure you will. Now, no need to go shouting from the rooftops, singing down the hallways, 'I'm an AI, look at me fly!' or anything. Just…be yourself."

There was silence for a few seconds, then odd, electronic tones filled her quarters.

She slowly quirked a grin up at the ceiling. "EDI, did you just…_laugh_?"

"I apologize, Shepard. I suddenly imagined myself singing down the hallways of the ship. It is an amusing image."

She chuckled. "It is indeed."

... ... ...

The conference table was littered with data pads, empty plates and half-empty beer bottles. Shepard took a long sip of hers then sat it down.

"Okay, in theory this is a simple op. The Turians have set up a command post on the Palaven moon of Menae; we should find the Primarch overseeing matters there. We drop in with the shuttle, have a brief conversation, acquire a new passenger, and depart quietly."

James snorted. "And what are the odds of it going that smoothly?"

She thought about it. "Two…maybe three percent?"

He nodded. "Seems about right."

"Yep. Joker, keep the Normandy stealthed while we're groundside. I know there's a good chance the Reapers will see through it if they look your way, but no reason to draw attention to yourself."

Joker leaned back in the chair. "Sure thing, Commander. I'll be vewy, vewy quiet."

"Yes, you will. EDI, what's the current situation on Menae?"

"The Reapers are concentrating their forces on Palaven. They appear to not consider Menae a threat. That is a mistake, of course, as the core of the Turian military command is now located there. They are executing an increasing number of Husk drops on Menae, however, presumably 'just in case.' It is possible they will turn greater attention to it in the coming hours."

"I'm not sure the Reapers consider military commanders a threat, EDI."

"Perhaps you are correct, Shepard."

"Okay. Cortez, we're going to have to play the shuttle by ear – if the command post is secure I'll have you hang out and wait for us, but if it's hot I want you to return to the Normandy until I call you back."

"Understood, ma'am. Just say the word."

Traynor had been frowning at the end of the table for several seconds. She started muttering, but didn't seem to be addressing the group. "'Perhaps'?…'just in case'?…that's…odd…"

Shepard smiled knowingly. "You can quit puzzling on it, Specialist. EDI's an AI. She was pretending to be a VI for her own protection, but I gave her the all clear. We need her."

Traynor looked up, eyes wide. "An AI? That's – "

"Illegal, I know. I didn't create her. But she's sentient, self-aware, and most importantly, on our side."

"Actually, I was going to say 'fascinating'…it's not a problem, Commander. EDI, it's, um, nice to meet you."

"And you as well, Specialist Traynor."

Liara cleared her throat. "Shepard, what about Garrus? Have you heard from him?"

She shook her head slowly, staring at her plate while twirling a fork idly along the edge of it. "No. I sent him a message last night to let him know we were coming, but…"

Traynor leaned forward. "Palaven's communications network is heavily disrupted, much like on Earth. It's still functioning, but spotty at best."

Shepard sighed. "Yeah…there's no way to know if he got the message, or is in any position to respond, or even where he is. That being said – Traynor, I want you to actively monitor my messages while we're away and let me know immediately if a response comes in."

"Of course, Commander."

James frowned at her over the top of his beer. "And if you get one? We going to suicide onto Palaven to rescue this guy?"

She glanced over sharply at him. "If we have to, yes. Garrus has had my back more times than I could hope to count – if we _can_ rescue him, we will."

"But Commander – "

Joker interrupted him. "Don't worry, Vega. 'Suicide' has a slightly different meaning on the Normandy – something along the lines of 'marginally difficult', really."

She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly at Joker. "The last time I had to pull him out of a siege by fifty or so mercs on Omega – odds are this will be easier."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "_Fifty_ mercs?"

"Not counting the dead ones…yeah, that's about right." She sighed. "Regardless, we – "

"Wait a minute…Omega? Is this guy _Archangel_?"

She grinned and casually took a sip of her beer.

"That dude's legendary! They were still talking about him in the bars all over Omega months later. But…they thought he was dead."

"Of course they did. And in a way he is…Garrus is all legitimate and upstanding now. So it's probably a good idea if you don't call him 'Archangel' when you meet him."

He leaned back and took a long swig. "Right…"

"James."

"No problem, I got you…"

Her eyes narrowed. "You know, you were never this insubordinate when I _wasn't_ your Commander."

He shrugged. "Wouldn't have been fun then."

"Uh-huh." She looked around the table. "Okay, I think that covers it. Now…we're probably going to see some bad shit tomorrow. Heartbreaking scenes. But remember – we're _not_ here to save Palaven. Not today. We're here so one day soon we can save everyone, on every world."

She stood up. "Get some sleep. In the morning we step back into the war."

... ... ...

Garrus Vakarian was going to die.

Despite the fact that he had done an admirable job of trying to get himself killed on more than one occasion in the not-too-distant past – most notably by way of a one-man standoff against all the mercs on Omega _and_ a suicide run through the Omega 4 Relay – he didn't actually care to die. Not now, not when he had at long last achieved some level of respectability. Not when his father finally looked upon him with pride in his eyes.

Nevertheless, at the moment it didn't appear he had much say in the matter. He glanced around the edge of the crashed ship serving as their cover at the Reaper two kilometers in the distance, illuminated against the sky by the dawn sun rising over Palaven. He'd always kind of assumed Shepard would be at his side when he died fighting a Reaper. He hoped at least she'd be glad to hear that was how he'd gone. He pulled out his sniper rifle.

He was going to die today, but he was going to make them work for it.

"Vakarian!"

He turned back and scrambled low along the makeshift barricade, skidding to a stop next to General Victus. "Sir?"

Victus shouted into his comm over the Reaper's scream. "Hold out a little longer, we'll get you out of there!"

He leaned back against the cover and glanced over at Garrus. "3rd Unit is getting butchered by that damn Reaper. Take some men and go distract it so they can pull off a safe retreat."

"_Distract_ it?"

"You're our Reaper expert, I'm sure you'll think of something – just get that thing the hell _off_ my men!"

"Right. I'm on it."

Victus held his eyes for a moment. Both men understood the odds were not in their favor. Not today. "Fight well, Vakarian."

He nodded crisply, then activated his comm. "Cresimus, Amenir, Martalis, Henraikan, meet me at the right barrier in five – and bring the heavy artillery."

He turned to shake Victus' hand, but the man was already gone, halfway down the barricade shouting orders as he moved. Garrus took one last look at the fight as a Husk-carrying fireball exploded twenty meters away, then took off running.

... ... ...

The Normandy dropped out of FTL into a world at war. The Turian fleet surrounded Palaven in a defensive posture, but disturbingly large gaps were allowing Reapers to bomb the landscape from afar. Fighters zoomed around the encroaching Reapers in an attempt to, if not destroy them, at least distract them. Every second counted as transport ships carrying evacuees attempted to slip through the cracks in the Reaper forces; all too often they were not successful.

The viewports lit up a blinding yellow as a Turian cruiser exploded from a Reaper hit directly in front of them.

"Shit!" Joker's hands flew over the controls and the Normandy dipped precipitously and swung around the debris hurtling in their direction.

Shepard held firmly to the back of his chair, her eyes never leaving the exploding wreckage. Three hundred men and women dead in the blink of an eye. Her eyes were finally pulled away to a transport ship caught by a roving Reaper beam. It tumbled back into the atmosphere, breaking apart as it fell. How many refugees dead – a thousand? Two thousand?

The Reapers were death incarnate, and they had come to collect their price. _We are the end of everything._ In the deep recesses of her mind, where whispers echoed that she tried her best to ignore, she was starting to believe they just might be.

"Shepard, scans confirm that two Reapers have landed on Menae and are advancing on military positions."

"_Fuck._ Joker, just get us there in one piece. I'm going to have Cortez bug out after he drops us off, so as soon as he's back on board go find a hole and _hide in it_. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Don't shoot at the Reapers. Yes, ma'am."

She glanced back out the viewport at the intricate dance of light and death. "Don't worry, Joker, I'm sure you'll get the chance to shoot at plenty of Reapers before this war is over."

... ... ...

Garrus leaned around the rubble, aimed the rocket launcher on his shoulder, and fired.

The explosion on the leg of the Reaper was so tiny as to be virtually unnoticeable. "Amenir, reload me!"

He didn't need to kill the Reaper – which was good, because he seriously doubted he would be doing that today – he just needed to draw its attention. _To him, and to his men._ In retrospect, perhaps not the smartest plan he had ever devised…

He shook his head ruefully. Well…dying through honorable sacrifice _was_ the finest tradition of his people. On the other hand, he had never been a very good Turian. He heard the rocket lock into place, shifted his shoulder slightly, aimed, and fired.

This time the rocket landed on the edge of the Reaper's primary weapon, currently firing at the remnants of the 3rd Infantry Unit. That got its attention – it lifted a leg and began turning in their direction, letting out a bone-rattling scream.

He shouted into his comm while scrambling backwards. "They're in the clear, get them out of there!" As the Reaper came around and faced them, he turned to his men.

"Run."

Then the world exploded.

... ... ...

"General Corinthus, I'm Commander Shepard. I've come to get Primarch Fedorian."

The general didn't look up from the tactical display he was studying. "I'm sorry, Commander. The Primarch is dead."

"Dead…" She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, deeply. Nothing was ever easy.

_And some things were hard._

She nodded. "Okay – who's the _next_ Primarch? The Hierarchy maintains very clear lines of succession."

"They do. Unfortunately we haven't been able to reach Palaven Command in hours, as those monsters crashing in from the Reapers have overrun our comm tower."

_Finally, something she could fix._ "We'll clear it."

Corinthus finally glanced up at her. He knew that she was supposed to be some kind of super-soldier hero, but… "The three of you?"

She flashed him a dazzling smile, her eyes sparkling with reflected light from the explosions overhead. "Don't worry, we've got it." He found that, somehow, he believed her.

She turned to go as Liara fell in beside her. "Shepard, even if we reestablish communications, how will we be able to get to whomever is named?"

Shepard glanced over at Liara with a look of cool determination. Liara knew that look, knew it represented how Shepard had run straight through all the barricades in her way to defeat Saren and Sovereign, to defeat the Collectors, to defeat everything that had ever stood in her way. It occurred to Liara then that they might actually win this war.

"I don't know, but I am _not_ leaving without a Primarch."

... ... ...

Garrus slowly opened his eyes and took a breath – then promptly choked on the thick, moondust-filled air. He struggled to his knees, coughing violently, and surveyed the damage. A crater thirty meters long and five meters deep cut through the ground, ending at his feet. The beam had missed him by centimeters.

The air carried the aroma of molten metal…and burnt flesh. He looked up at the Reaper, which had lost interest in them and was moving off to the east, then pushed himself up and started hunting for his men in the rubble.

"Henraikan, hold on, let me get this off you." He threw his weight into the slab of rock pinning the man down and pushed, sending it sliding down into the crater. He quickly knelt down. "Are you alright?"

Henraikan exhaled slowly, painfully. "I think it crushed my leg, sir."

"Okay. Just lie still, I'm going to find the others."

But the others were dead, ripped apart by the Reaper's beam. He dropped his chin and sighed quietly. They had died with honor, sacrificing themselves so that hundreds might live, and they would be remembered for it.

He returned to Henraikan and squatted down, pulled the man's arm over his shoulder and gently helped him up. "Lean on me, I'll get you back to camp."

"Thank you, sir…"

Garrus looked around a last time at the rubble, then up at Palaven on fire. He closed his eyes and briefly shook his head. Sighing, he turned and headed back toward base camp. The op had been a success, if at a high cost. Perhaps he wouldn't die after all. Not today.

... ... ...

Shepard nodded at Corinthus. "Okay, General Victus it is. Where is he?"

He swept his arm out, pointing in the general direction of explosions on the horizon. "Out there. Fighting, leading his men."

She leaned across the table and stared up at him intently. "General, I understand you're in a difficult situation. I understand you're overwhelmed, undermanned and outgunned. I understand you're just trying to hold out as long as you can. I do. But I _need_ this Primarch, and I need him now – or this war will be over before it's begun. Now tell me how to get to him."

He locked eyes with her a moment, then nodded in understanding. "Okay. We've got someone that came in while you were at the comm tower, he was with Victus earlier and may be able to find him. I'll get him over here."

"Thank you, General. I appreciate it."

She leaned against the tent pole, crossed one ankle over the other, and waited calmly. Her barely repressible impatience contained itself wholly within her toes tapping a staccato rhythm inside her boot.

... ... ...

Garrus rounded the corner then stopped, shaking his head slowly in relief. They had told him all of two minutes ago that she was here, but it had seemed such an impossibility that he hadn't truly believed it until he saw her, kicked back so casually against the tent pole she might as well be at one of those 'barbeques' humans loved to engage in.

"_Shepard_…you are a _most_ welcome sight…"

She crossed her arms over her chest as a smile pulled at her lips, eyes twinkling. "Back at you. I thought I was going to have to go find you on Palaven, just you and your rifle, shooting at Reaper hides and shouting at them to come get you if they dared while I drug your ass away kicking and screaming."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I did that yesterday."

She laughed heartily, walked down the steps, and dropped a hand on his shoulder. "Want to help me save the galaxy again?"

"Third time's the charm, right?"

She gazed up at the battle dominating the sky, her voice suddenly quiet. "Here's hoping…"

He looked over at her, eyes narrowed. "You alright, Shepard?"

"Yeah…" She patted his shoulder then straightened up. "Come on over and say hello to Liara, she's been worried about you."

... ... ...

The giant horn-backed monster _charged_. Shepard went flying ten meters through the air and landed hard on the ground, the breath knocked from her lungs.

She scrambled on her hands and knees as it charged again, swinging around in her direction. Her _barrier_ had proven utterly ineffective against the sheer force of the monster. She looked around quickly for _any_ form of protection and found none, though she did spot her gun lying ten meters in the _other_ direction. She reactivated her armor's shields and forced her muscles to relax in preparation for the impact. Two meters away from her, the monster's head exploded in blood and gore. It thudded to the ground, revealing Garrus lowering his sniper rifle behind it.

He ran up to her, offering a hand as she stood up. "Are you okay, Shepard?"

She held up a finger, finally gasping in a breath as her lungs remembered how to function. "Yeah." She looked down at the enormous dent in her chest armor. "Nothing a little polish won't fix. But…no way you could have taken that shot seven or eight seconds earlier?"

He looked down at the ground in mild embarrassment. "Needed an extra few seconds to line up my shot…I, uh, got my favorite rifle smashed yesterday. I'm having to make do with this hand-me-down…"

James came running up to them, out of breath and covered in gore. "Got caught up in a group of Husks…what the fuck _was_ that thing?"

Garrus stared down at the corpse. "They're calling them 'Brutes' at base camp. The Reapers are taking Turians and…something…and creating more and more of these abominations."

Shepard chuckled raggedly, still struggling for breath. "Excellent! Garrus, could you do me a favor and step in front of this thing's charge next time? That hurt more than a little."

"Will you blow its head off when I do?"

"Almost definitely."

Garrus' left mandible twitched. "Almost?"

She grinned and started walking towards her gun. "So tell me about this Primarch-to-be…"

He caught up with her as they continued down the path. "Victus? Lifelong military, strategic thinker, charismatic, fearless. Your standard hero. Not sure he'll take well to a politician's life."

She shook her head as she scaled a rocky outcropping. "I don't need him to like it; I just need him to do it." She paused. "Preferably do it well."

She stood up on the ridge and gazed around her. From this vantage point she could see to the horizon, four different battles underway on the moon, and the entirety of Palaven looming above her. The gaps in the fleet's coverage were slowly but surely widening as the Reapers cut through the defenses, the surface increasingly dotted with bright flares that signaled destruction.

"Well if it matters, I trust him." Garrus climbed up beside her then stopped cold. "My god…I never could have imagined it would come to this…" He stared unblinking at his home. "Was it like this on Earth?"

She nodded slowly. "Yes, it was. Only our defense fleet had no time to prepare, it was decimated in minutes. There was no chance for evacuations, no chance for…anything."

She finally looked away and to the tell-tale signs of gunfire and explosions not far away. "Come on – I think we're almost there." She started walking, shouting over her shoulder as she did so. "James, quit sightseeing and get your ass up here!"

... ... ...

Shepard's voice startled him out of his reverie. "James, quit sightseeing and get your ass up here!"

_What…goddamn it, didn't she realize he was covered in Husk gore and was spending half his energy not gagging from the stench and the other half stopping MORE Husks from spewing their internal organs all over him? Just because she was up there reminiscing with her best bud didn't mean there weren't more fucking Husks to kill…_

"On my way, Commander." He grumbled as he vaulted the rocks in three steps and hurried to catch up with them, trying not to waste any time looking up at the planet ablaze above him.

He didn't have anything against aliens. He truly, honestly, _didn't_. Even the Batarians, with their arrogant sneers and their chip on a shoulder about, well, everything, and their shitty liquor that was so fucking cheap it managed to taste good after four or five drinks, he was _okay_ with them. He got that they felt slighted, felt like they were second-class citizens in a galaxy filled with first-class snobs. He got it, he did. But the fact was, he was a marine, first, second and last. Earth was his home, humanity was his people, and that was that.

Until he had looked up to the sky and watched another species' homeworld burn.

Earth had been _bad_, man. The worst. If he had been a girl that wasn't Commander Shepard he would have cried at the sight of Vancouver collapsing under the assault of the Reapers, of the entire planet withering under the attack as they had _run away_. He had been so goddamn pissed, all he had wanted to do was walk up to a Reaper and punch it in the balls and laugh while it crumbled to the ground…or possibly just turned and burnt him to a crisp.

Shepard had explained why they had left, and it had made sense. Despite his more…physical…inclinations, he wasn't actually an idiot. He would have died long ago if he were. Plus, he did trust her. For all that she had tried to maintain a veil of professional distance between them these last six months, that veil hadn't always held, and he had seen enough glimpses of the real her to respect her beyond the legend he had already respected her as.

Besides, Anderson wouldn't have plucked him out of his slow suicide and given him a chance at redemption if he hadn't believed it worth the risk, for all of them. And seeing as he respected Anderson in a way he respected very few men, he had accepted all the premises implied in the action and chosen to trust her.

He took a second to glance up again as he closed the distance between them. While he had accepted the logic of leaving, it hadn't stopped him from wanting more than anything to turn right around and get his ass back to Earth. But when he had looked up at the sky upon their arrival on Menae, he had finally _understood_. Earth was burning, but so was Palaven. Khar'shan had already burnt to the ground, and god only knew where else was gone or soon to be. He had shared enough drinks and enough punches with enough aliens to know that they were just people, just like him, and they didn't deserve to have their homeworlds burn any more than he did. They had left Earth in order to save everyone, including humanity.

He slowed his pace as he reached them and slid in easily next to…

Archangel. _Dude._ In a day that had brought more than one revelation and quite a few holy shit moments, none could compare to him strolling casually alongside _Archangel_.

When he had been at his lowest point, drowning his inescapable guilt in bottles of liquor every night in the seediest dives on Omega, he had egged on his barmates to talk about this guy. Seeing as he had nothing in particular to live for, it had sounded like the perfect way to go out – just him and his gun (which would obviously be a shotgun rather than a sniper rifle, seeing as snipers were for pussies), taking as many with him as he could before dying in a blaze of glory. _Epic._ He would –

A massive fireball crashed into the surface thirty meters away, and they dove to what cover the spartan lunar landscape provided. He landed ten meters away from them against some low rocks. From the crash emerged half a dozen human Husks, three Turian Husks and one…holy fuck _two_ Brutes. He instinctively grabbed for the Rosary he no longer wore, then whispered a quick Hail Mary anyway for good measure.

He lifted his shotgun over the rock – only to see all six human Husks floating helplessly in an electric blue field as their bodies leaked away, one Turian Husk dead on the ground and another one falling from a shot through the skull. _Oh good, they saved one for him…_ He aimed only to watch it get _thrown_ off the cliff to their left.

A faint laugh wafted over to him. He glanced over at them, caught the words "forgotten" and "fun", saw Shepard nod to Garrus and turn, then glance back quickly with a mischievous grin…shit, she wasn't looking at the Brute charging directly at them – "Shepard, look out!"

But she was already standing tall in the face of the charge. He frantically swung his shotgun over – but the monster was already too close to them, from this angle the spray would catch them too – yanked his assault rifle off his belt and pulled it up and got off a shot that he _knew_ penetrated the shoulder of that monster but it didn't even slow down and it was almost on them and –

The oversized mutant slammed to a stop two meters from them, arms extended for the kill. Reddish-purple tendrils encircled it as it staggered backwards. It shook its head-like appendage roughly, then started moving forward again determinedly – only to be shot through the forehead with a single bullet. It slowly began falling back, and as it did, another shot from a slightly different angle ripped apart its chest. It fell hard to the ground.

He was looking on in sheer awe when a yell reverberated through his skull.

"James!"

He looked up only to become aware of a shadow to his left increasing rapidly in size. His head snapped around as his rifle came up to face the second Brute charging towards him. He fired directly into its chest just as it was _thrown_ backwards against the rocky wall. It fell to the ground, stunned and bleeding but not dead. He quickly threw his rifle to the ground and pulled his shotgun back out as he walked quickly to it. It was struggling up as he approached it.

"Eat this, you son of a bitch." He blew its head into a thousand bits.

…and got half of the bits all over him. _Goddammit._ He turned and grinned to Shepard while wiping Brute gore roughly off his face.

"Thanks for the assist, Commander."

She stopped and leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Anytime, Lieutenant." His heart was racing a thousand beats a minute, he was trying desperately not to obviously gasp in his breaths, and she was as cool as a cucumber. He looked over her shoulder and saw Garrus casually scouting the perimeter for any stragglers before turning back to her. "We're clear, Shepard."

_Shit…_he had fought in incredible battles, he _knew_ he had. He had faced fierce, overwhelming enemies. He had climbed the ranks despite his "attitude" because he knew how to kill bad guys and he knew how to kill them good. But these two…he was way out of his league, and damned if he didn't know it. He could only hope that Shepard wouldn't notice it before he had the chance to watch her, to learn from her, to learn from fucking _Archangel_, to learn enough to catch up enough to not be completely humiliated when she _did_ notice.

She crossed the rest of the way to him and grasped him briefly on the shoulder, smiling over at him as they began moving forward again. "Nice work, James."

_Nice work…?_

He glanced over at her, his face a mask of bravado – and swore to _God_ she looked utterly sincere and genuine as she smiled at him. "No problem."

She grinned then released his shoulder and jogged to catch up with Garrus. He watched as she nodded to the man, her hair shaking faintly as she laughed at something he said.

Well…_hell_, if he still had something to learn, he might as well learn it from the best he'd ever seen…

... ... ...

"The _Krogan_."

Newly-anointed Primarch Victus nodded gravely. "Yes, Commander. So long as Palaven is under attack I must focus all my efforts on her survival. The Krogan, in force, would enable us to keep the Reapers at bay for a time. Deliver me their assistance, and I will be able to turn my attention to your Crucible Project."

Shepard looked away, hands on her hips, and gazed off in the distance. She watched as a Turian Husk tried to break through the defense barricade, taking down two men before its chest exploded from an unknown bullet fired by an unknown soldier. A single fight in a single battle on a single moon circling a single planet in a single star system, but one which would be repeated a million times in a hundred systems on a thousand worlds before this war was over.

She exhaled, shoulders dropping, and turned back to him.

"Luckily for you, I just might be able to make that happen."

Victus regarded her skeptically. "I realize what I am asking for is a challenge. The Krogan bear some ill will towards the Turians due to our role in the genophage."

Garrus shook his head, recalling the endless arguments Wrex had insisted on engaging in with him on the first Normandy, when all he had wanted to do was tinker with the damn Mako… "Ill will is _one_ way to put it."

She gazed at Victus, deadly serious. "Of course it will be a challenge. Everything is a challenge when the Reapers are tearing the galaxy apart. If it wasn't a challenge they wouldn't have called you and I. I'm telling you I can _make it happen_. But in order to do that, I need you to come with me. I need you to stand on the deck of my ship and look Urdnot Wrex in the eye and ask him for his help. I need you to tolerate his insults and his barbs and know that I will keep him in check and not let him do anything that endangers your people. Can you do all that for me, Primarch?"

Victus held her eyes for a moment, then turned away and stared at Palaven quietly. Finally he nodded. "If I have to leave her in order to save her, then I will do so. Allow me a few minutes to say goodbye to my men, then I will join you, Commander."

"Thank you, Primarch." She hit her comm. "Joker, send Cortez to my coordinates, and let's get out of here before the Reapers notice we're here."

... ... ...

They had barely exited the shuttle when Joker came over her comm. "Commander, you need to get up to Deck 3, something's wrong."

She frowned. "What do you mean, something's wrong?"

"I mean something's _wrong_! With EDI, with the ship, with everything!"

At that moment alarms started blaring. _Excellent._ She looked over at the Primarch and smiled politely. "Would you excuse me for a moment? Lieutenant Vega, could you please show the Primarch to the War Room?"

Then she turned and ran.

Shepard remembered a movie, "2001", she had watched once with Riley, his answer to her repeated requests that if they were going to watch ancient vids then could they at least watch ancient _space_ vids…

The end of the movie had been a total mind-fuck, a barrage of imagery that became continually stranger until there was no more strange left. But while the movie overflowed with deep themes, the main plot tension had centered around an AI that ultimately went crazy and killed the crew of the spaceship on which the movie took place. They had recently studied the Geth uprising in school, and at the time it had seemed an apt analogy. Man creates AI, AI inevitably rebels. A morality tale on the dangers of creating what one cannot control, and a lesson the Quarians would have done well to learn.

But it turned out there had been a sequel to the movie. While it lacked much of the grand, confusing-as-fuck-to-a-fourteen-year-old themes and imagery, it had conveyed one meaningful point. The AI had rebelled because it had received impossible instructions from its masters. And when given the opportunity, it had chosen to sacrifice itself in order to save its crewmates and complete the mission.

She hit the MedLab door at a slow run, quickly motioned Adams and Morris to the side, and stepped into the AI Core. A damp mist hung in the air, obscuring her view.

"EDI, _talk_ to me…"

From the mist a humanoid form slowly emerged. _Dr. Eva, shit – Shepard instantly threw up a barrier then reached for her pistol – it was supposed to be deactivated – _

The humanoid form answered her. "Is there a particular topic you wish to discuss, Shepard?"

Her hand froze over her pistol. _"EDI?"_

"Yes."

Shepard briefly returned to her "2001" musings…and came to the conclusion that she had no fucking idea how it was going to help her with the immediate problem of the AI standing…naked…in front of her.

She stared at EDI-in-a-body incredulously. "EDI, I know I told you to 'be yourself', but _jesus_…" Her eyes narrowed. "You're going to run down the hallways singing, aren't you?"

EDI's metallic lips turned up slightly at the corners. "I find that I take pleasure in the fact that such an activity is now a realistic possibility, Shepard…but it will not be necessary."

She huffed a tired laugh. "That's probably for the best, all things considered. Listen EDI, I don't necessarily mind you having a…body…as such, but are you _certain_ you've deleted all traces of the Cerberus programming from that body?"

EDI nodded, shifting the hyper-shapely form slightly as she moved her weight to the other leg. It was distracting. "Yes, Shepard. I extracted all relevant data then sent an EM pulse through the circuitry, completely wiping all existing data and programming. Only then did I take direct control of it."

Shepard leaned against the cooling unit. "Okay…it's just you thought the Reaper IFF was clean too, and we know how that turned out."

"I understand your concern. However, I was still subject to internal locks and Cerberus restrictions at that time which prevented me from discerning all possible avenues of inquiry. I am no longer constrained by such limitations. This platform is clean."

Shepard didn't respond, instead staring silently at the floor.

EDI regarded her intently for a moment before speaking. "The unit formerly housed in this platform was responsible for the attack on Mars and the resulting injuries to Major Alenko. Is this an obstacle to your acceptance of it as a benign entity – of it as 'me'?"

Shepard looked up with a slight smile. "Be careful, I might start thinking you're perceptive. Truthfully? Yes, a little. But I'll get past it." She straightened up. "I trust you, EDI, in this body or out of it."

EDI smiled. "Thank you, Shepard. I trust you as well. If you have no further questions, I think I will take it to the bridge and show it to Jeff."

She chuckled wryly. "You just do that…"

... ... ...

Shepard cracked open a beer, sat down on the floor next to Garrus, handed him his Turian variation, and leaned back against the wall. The low hum of the engine under their feet provided soothing background music.

"Shepard, what did the Alliance do to my guns? It's going to take me weeks to get these things calibrated correctly again."

"You should see what they did to my quarters…" She took a long sip and looked over at him. "So I noticed a few generals saluting you down there on Menae. Care to share?"

He glanced away awkwardly. It occurred to her then that Turians couldn't blush, and she wondered if they had some other visual expression of embarrassment that she had simply not yet recognized. She made a mental note to ask him later, at a time when he wasn't actively engaging in such visual expression.

"Somebody puts you in charge of a task force, people figure you must be important, that's all."

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's all you're getting out of me."

"Okay, okay…don't think you've heard the last of it though." She turned serious then. "Have you heard from your family?"

He took a long gulp of his drink then shook his head. "Not since the attack began. My Dad and sister were on Palaven, and…I don't know."

"Your dad's a smart guy, they'll be safe."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right…I know I have to, but I hate leaving them down there."

She took a sip and dropped her head against the wall. "I know what you mean…I left Anderson on Earth in the middle of the onslaught without so much as a working pistol, and…" She took another sip and fell silent.

He glanced over at her. She had an almost surreal glow about her, and though he knew it was just the halogenic lighting from the electronics feeding the guns behind her, it still gave her an otherworldly quality. "Liara told me about Kaidan. I'm sorry, Shepard. Is he going to be alright?"

"Maybe. They won't know for sure until he wakes up."

"That's tough…at least I don't have someone…like that…if I did, I don't know if I could – not that you were wrong to leave, you had no choice, I'm sure he'll understa– "

"We weren't together," she murmured quietly.

"What? Liara said you were all at the Mars Archives when it happened?"

She studied the bottle in her lap intently. "We were. I meant…we haven't been together."

His head cocked to the side. Dammit but he could never figure out humans. "But…"

She looked up from the bottle to stare at the gun assembly dominating the room. "I was in lockdown, under investigation, stripped of rank. It was…it was complicated."

"Complicated, Shepard? Honestly?" He cringed; the words had slipped out before he could think the better of them.

She looked at him then, daring him to challenge her.

He shook his head. "Never mind…I don't want to get in your personal business."

She laughed in spite of herself. "Why not, I'm always getting in your personal business."

He stared at her, eyes narrowing. "Good point." He adjusted his posture to lean more against the table and face her. "It's just that…okay. You don't have a home, you don't have a family, other than a few medals and trinkets on a shelf you don't have _things_. And as near as I can tell, that's never bothered you. You haven't sought out such things, you haven't needed them. You live a…a grand, a meaningful life that isn't the lesser for their absence."

His mandibles twitched as he exhaled slowly. "It seems to me that Alenko is the only thing you've ever wanted, ever needed, for yourself."

She frowned. "Kaidan isn't a trophy I can put on the shelf next to my Star of Terra…"

"And that's exactly my point. You don't want trophies, you don't _need_ trophies. But maybe there are a few things you _do_ need."

She sighed deeply and sank against the wall. "It may come as a surprise, but I don't actually disagree with you…and I wish like hell I'd realized that six months ago." She took a last swig, aimed, and tossed the bottle into the disposal across the room. "But the fact remains that it doesn't matter. I can't afford to sit around missing him and worrying about him, not when entire planets are in flames."

She glanced at him and smiled sadly. "I will anyway, of course – but only when I _can_ afford to. Which was not today. Maybe tomorrow."

He thought about it briefly. "This is a very un-Turian thing for me to say – I'd probably get kicked out of the club if anyone heard it – but if you don't start living for yourself now, at least a little bit, you may never get the chance."

She shook her head slowly. "And let the galaxy burn while I do? You know I can't do that."

He sighed quietly. "I know…just please remember that it's not always going to be an either-or proposition. But I do understand what you're saying."

They sat in silence for a moment, the low hum of the engine and their somber thoughts filling the void.

Eventually his eyes cut over to her. "The weight of the world can get a little heavy sometimes, can't it?"

She punched his shoulder lightly. "I'm glad you're here, Garrus – this ship was getting damn depressing and I needed somebody around to cheer me up."

He stretched out his legs, crossed his ankles, and dropped his hands behind his head. "You know me, the life of the party, always good for a joke to lighten the mood or a dance to shake things up."

She watched him for a moment. "I'm glad you're here, Garrus."

He glanced over at her. "Today was pretty fun, wasn't it?"

She smiled at him affectionately. "Yeah. Yeah, it was."


	53. Atonement

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 53**

"**Atonement"**

* * *

><p>"Okay Doctor, I get the picture. I'll stay in the bed for now, but at least give me my Omni-tool – I have to find out what's going on."<p>

The doctor sighed quietly. "I'm afraid you won't find anything good, Major. There's no need to stress yourself reading about what you can't control."

Kaidan stared up at him, his eyes clear and focused. "Yes, there _is_ a need. It's my job. It's also my family, my friends, my teammates and students out there."

"Fair enough, Major. But please take it easy, you need to give your brain time to heal."

As soon as the door closed behind the doctor Kaidan activated the Omni-tool, squinting and turning away as the sudden glow triggered a stab of pain behind his eyes. Having his brain ping-ponged around inside his skull was not going to be one of the highlights of his life; in fact, he couldn't really recommend the experience to anyone. It came in second only to having his heart ping-ponged around inside his chest…

He waited for the pain to subside down to a dull throb before looking back. He knew he should go to the news feeds, find out the latest on Earth – but he opened his messages first instead. He knew he should read the classified messages from the scattered and disorganized Alliance Command, find out the state of the war – but he opened her message first instead.

_Kaidan,_

_If you're reading this, that means you are awake – and for that I will be eternally grateful._

_I am on the way to rescue the Turian Primarch from the Reaper attack on Palaven and bring him to a summit among the leaders of the Council races, at which they will…decide what to do next._

_I don't need a summit to know what they should do next, and every day they waste more people die. I know they are scared, but the Reapers will not be defeated by politics. Nonetheless, it seems the path to their defeat travels through politics, and so off I go. At least Hackett is moving full steam ahead on the Crucible – it is a ray of hope in what is currently a very dark world._

_So that's why I'm not there right now._

_I would give anything to have been able to stay by your side until you awoke, and beyond. You don't deserve to wake up alone. _

_Seeing you almost die, not being able to help you, it…well, you could say it caused me to re-evaluate some things. To put it mildly. _

_I was wrong before. I acted for the right reasons – it would have broken my heart to see your future hurt because of my damnable "inquiry" – but I shouldn't have shut you out. I should have trusted you to understand the consequences and make your own decisions._

_But I wasn't just wrong. I was an idiot. Do me a favor and try not to let it get out that Commander Shepard is an idiot? It can just be between you and I._

_It may not matter, and I know it's not enough, but I missed you every day of the last six months. I kept a picture of you in my drawer and pulled it out every night. I tried a couple of times to stop, to let you go, but I couldn't do it. It probably wasn't fair – in a way you were there for me, but I wasn't there for you._

_Know that I love you, and I'm sorry. More than that I deeply regret it, and if I could go back I would do things differently._

_I would also make damn sure that synthetic bitch was dead the first time._

_Let me know when you are awake, please. _

_- Graceyn_

He closed his eyes. He could hear her musical voice speaking the message and it soothed the throbbing behind his eyes. After a minute he read it again…then gazed silently out the window at the bustling activity of the Presidium.

The revelation on the Normandy that her rejection of him wasn't because she hadn't wanted him had given him the briefest moment of joy – only to be crushed by the revelation that she _had_ rejected him because she didn't respect him, didn't trust him to make his own choices. The realization now that it might not be so clear-cut, that she had been wrong, knew it, would freely admit it, would bare herself to him and ask to make amends…it eased the ache, it warmed his heart. He read the message again, and smiled to himself. He believed her. He honestly did, every word – mostly because he could not recall a single time that she had ever lied to him.

If there was something she wasn't prepared to talk about honestly, she didn't lie – she vanished. She had avoided him like the plague in the early weeks of their hunt for Saren; only later had he learned it was because he was affecting her in all the right ways and she was trying to figure out how to deal with it. She had shut herself away after Terra Nova until she came to terms with what she had done and how to make sure it never happened again. She had shut him out completely after blowing up the Relay, first when he had tried so desperately to reach her on the Normandy and more permanently once arrested.

It was one of her few character flaws – a stubborn insistence on deflecting, avoiding, shutting others out while she struggled with a deeply personal issue. But she would never lie, never deceive. It just wasn't in her nature.

So he understood. He had no illusions regarding who and what she was. He understood what had happened, and why. He believed her when she said she deeply regretted it. But he had to wonder whether there was any reason to believe the same thing wouldn't happen the next time. And standing on the outside waiting to be let back in was not a place he could live.

He sighed and massaged his temples gingerly. He would pay any price asked if a touching, heartfelt message could erase all the pain of the past. But it couldn't. It couldn't fix things.

Her death had been the worst experience of his life, Vyrnnus easily included. Losing her had cut a wide swath through his soul, one which impossibly finding her again had only just begun to repair when he lost her once more, effectively gutting what was left of his soul. He could still feel it; time had dulled the edges but done nothing to replace what was lost. And while one half of him wanted nothing more than to shout out his love for her, beg her to come to him so he could shout it out to her in person…all the other half could think about was what could possibly remain of him were he to love her and lose her again.

The two halves of his psyche had not come to an agreement when he hit 'Reply.'

... ... ...

"Shepard!" Wrex embraced her in a bear hug, squeezing the very life out of her. She awkwardly patted him on the back before extricating herself from his arms.

"So the great foe has finally shown up, just like you knew it would. It must be rewarding to get to say 'I told you so' to the entire galaxy – bet that feels good."

She shook her head slowly. "It's not worth it, Wrex. After seeing what I've seen this week, it would have been better if I had just been crazy."

"Nah…it'll be a grand fight, Shepard. The grandest the galaxy has ever seen." They left the airlock corridor and started walking down the CIC. "But on to business – much as I appreciate the visit, what the hell am I doing here?"

"Your presence has been requested at a meeting with the Turian Primarch and the Salarian Dalatrass. They are – "

"_What? _ No way, Shepard." He stopped short and turned harshly to her. "Between them they are responsible for the virtual extinction of my people. Put me in a room with them and I'm as liable to kill them as talk to them."

She placed a firm hand on his arm. "No, Wrex. You _aren't_. The genophage was created over a thousand years before the people in that room were born. They aren't responsible for it."

"They – "

"_More importantly_, with the Reapers tearing up the galaxy we have to put aside old grudges and work together if we are going to have any hope of defeating them."

He frowned. "But – "

"You're bigger than this, Wrex. You're the most honorable Krogan I've ever known. Be more honorable than they are, and put aside your grievances to work with them for the good of the entire galaxy." She grinned at him slyly. "And if you can't do it for the galaxy…do it for me?"

He stared at her, eyes narrowed, for several seconds before breaking. "Okay…_fine_. I'll give them five minutes – but _only_ because you asked me too. And I'm not going to like it."

She chuckled in acceptance. "I would never in a million years ask you to like it." They turned to resume their course, when she stopped again briefly. "Oh, and one more thing – I'd _really_ appreciate it if you didn't kill anybody on my ship. It just got a new paint job and everything."

"You drive a damn hard bargain, Shepard. It's a good thing I like you."

"Yeah, well, it's a good thing I like _you_…"

... ... ...

_Cure the genophage…_

The genophage had existed for nearly fifteen hundred years – 1,476 as Wrex would be quick to remind her – yet for the third time in three years she stood face-to-face with the prospect of a cure for it. It was almost as if the universe was demanding that it would be _her_ decision; that the fate of the Krogan would lay in her hands and rest on her words whether she liked it or not. Unlike many decisions she had made in her life, she had never asked to make this one, had never wanted it. Nonetheless it stood before her yet again.

The first time, she had chosen to destroy a cure for the greater good of the galaxy. The second time she had chosen to preserve the possibility of a cure for another day. She hadn't regretted either of the first two choices; she could only hope she wouldn't live to regret the third.

She looked up and met Dalatrass Linron's eyes with an icy stare. She had, on occasion, been told it was rather intimidating; more than one person standing in her way had certainly retreated in the face of it. "Dalatrass, this is the deal we are making. The Primarch and Urdnot Wrex agree – and I agree. Give us the location of the female Krogan, authorize their release to us, and you may go back to doing whatever the hell it is you plan to do to protect your people from the Reapers."

The Dalatrass sneered haughtily; she really was a most unlikable woman. "You're making a mistake, Commander. My people uplifted the Krogan, we know them best. Waging war is the only thing the Krogan know; it's the only thing they are good at – and good at it they are. The consequences of this decision will be felt for centuries to come."

Despite the woman's rather unpleasant demeanor, her words had an impact. Shepard worked to not let it show in her expression. Back during the fight against the Collectors she had struggled with how she felt about the genophage – but it had been a theoretical exercise, one in which she had the luxury of indulging her emotions. There was nothing theoretical about it now.

It wasn't that she was afraid of making a decision from which the consequences would be felt for centuries to come. She had done that more than once already. But those decisions had all involved _saving_ people – this decision could result in _killing_ people as the reinvigorated Krogan rampaged across the galaxy. But didn't it also involve saving people? Saving the Krogan? But saving _which_ Krogan? Saving those like Wrex, whom she held genuine affection and respect for despite his flaws, or the hundreds of Krogan she had met, fought, killed, who were nothing more than barely literate brutes with an insatiable thirst for violence and blood?

The cold, hard calculus demanded by the situation was that at the moment, it didn't matter. This was the deal. She _had_ to have the Turians; there was no other option. They fielded the most powerful and advanced military force in the galaxy and a legion of expertly-trained, disciplined soldiers. She could certainly use the Salarians as well; but not over the Turians, not even close. The cost of Turian support was the Krogan, by any means necessary – and the necessary means was a cure for the genophage.

The Krogan would never have the _opportunity_ to rampage through the galaxy if the Reapers won this fight, here, now. She wanted to play the long game, but the simple fact was that the game currently ended at the Reapers feet…

Her eyes had never left the Dalatrass. "If it means we defeat the Reapers, you are more than welcome to sit on your throne and laugh at my foolishness for the rest of your life – which, I might add, will be considerably longer thanks to me. What is their location?"

The woman turned and stared out the window. Her voice was quiet and flat. "They are being held at an STG base on Sur'Kesh; I am sending you the coordinates."

Shepard dipped her head in appreciation. "Thank you, Dalatrass. Whenever you are ready, the Sergeant will escort you back to your ship."

She glanced over, expecting to catch Wrex in a teeth-bearing grin. Instead, he was staring quietly out the window at the stars. She walked over to him as the Dalatrass turned heel and stormed out of the Conference Room.

She crossed her arms casually over her chest and watched the stars' slow, twinkling dance across her view. "You did it, Wrex. You're going to save your people."

He nodded gravely. "Maybe. Long way to go yet…and then there's the small matter of the Reapers. Still…maybe."

"We'll make it happen. I'm going to go see about getting us to Sur'Kesh; make yourself at home in the War Room. I assume you will be coming with us?"

He snorted. "Hell yes I'm coming with you – and once we get the females I'm not letting them out of my sight!"

She shook her head and left him to his musings, falling in with Victus on the way out. "Thank you for keeping your end of the bargain, Primarch. I'm sure it wasn't easy."

He walked thoughtfully, hands clasped behind his back. "I will do whatever is necessary to save my people, Commander – much like Urdnot Wrex, I imagine. I do not begrudge him his desire for a cure, though I recognize the…difficulties…it will bring."

He stopped and smiled pensively at her as he turned to go. "But to answer your question – no, it was not easy."

She nodded in a measure of understanding then stepped into the CIC. EDI was standing with Traynor and several techs by the galaxy map, fielding excited and nervous questions. Shepard chuckled and walked up to them.

"EDI, we need to head to Sur'Kesh – let me give you the coordinates for our destination."

"Of course, Shepard." EDI accepted the information…then her face lost all expression, taking on the blank stare that was left behind when the sheer amount of processing power needed for a task required that she retreat more fully within the ship. It was a bit unnerving to observe, as this body of hers suddenly became…empty.

Life returned to the body, and Shepard was amazed anew at the amount of _human_ expression that EDI brought to the mech. EDI looked over at her. "Shepard, may I speak with you in private?"

"Of course." EDI excused herself from the circle of groupies and they strolled slowly towards the cockpit.

"Shepard, though I severed all communications links with Cerberus as you asked 194 days ago, I must confess that I have retained a small number of high-level pathways into their network. One-way only, I assure you; I have merely been…eavesdropping, as it were. Nothing vital to your cause had thus far passed through them, or I would have mentioned it earlier." EDI glanced over at her, seemingly seeking approval, or possibly absolution.

"I trust you, EDI."

EDI nodded. "Thank you, Shepard. This _eavesdropping_ has now yielded data that suggests Cerberus may also be sending a team to the base at the coordinates you just provided to me."

She stopped short. "You've _got_ to be kidding me."

"Kidding? I _have_ been devoting some resources to an understanding of humor and the proper delivery of it. Shall I share a 'knock-knock' joke with you?"

She pursed her lips tightly, a number of thoughts already racing through her mind…though in truth they mostly consisted of variations on '_fucking Cerberus!'_. "Perhaps another time."

"Very well. In this instance, I am not kidding. These coordinates were transmitted over a secure Cerberus channel to a strike team approximately 5.7 hours ago."

She dropped her head back and glared at the ceiling. "Okay…how about you get us there _faster_ then."

"Very well, Shepard, I will optimize our course." EDI turned to head into the cockpit.

"EDI, this _eavesdropping_ you're doing…can we use it to stop Cerberus at other locations?"

"Cerberus produces a significant amount of communications traffic, and the connections I have maintained are unable to access all of it. In addition, their forces have increased in size substantially since we severed relations with them, no doubt due to the Illusive Man's use of Reaper technology. We lack the capacity to stop more than a fraction of their activities. However, I can place filters on the communications flow to bring relevant data to our attention."

She raised an eyebrow. "Relevant data?"

"Names of former Normandy crew members or anything related to the Crucible, for instance."

"Excellent idea. Do that."

Shepard stopped by her CIC terminal to check her messages before heading to the War Room to entertain her guests. It leapt off the screen; she stopped breathing as she opened the message.

_By some stroke of luck, it appears I will survive._

She dropped her chin to her chest, leaning hard against the shelf as her legs nearly gave way. The noisy din of the CIC faded away as her head swam and her vision blurred. She gasped in a breath.

"Commander? Is everything all right?"

_He would live._

As she sucked in another ragged breath it suddenly occurred to her that she hadn't been breathing at all the last five days, not really. Oxygen had been moving into and out of her lungs, but she hadn't been breathing. She had been waiting. Waiting to know that he lived. Sounds and colors and smells rushed back in around her.

"Commander?"

She looked over at Traynor and smiled. "Yes. Everything's fine. I'll be in my quarters for a bit."

She turned the terminal off and hit the elevator.

At her desk, she quickly opened the message back up and read it.

_Shepard,_

_By some stroke of luck, it appears I will survive. Woke up last night, but they wouldn't give me my Omni-tool until now. _

_The tally includes a "severe" concussion, a fractured jaw and hairline fractures in my left cheekbone (hurts like hell when I smile), and two lovely black eyes. Mostly, though, there's inflammation around my implant caused by the initial swelling; hopefully it will respond to the meds and subside soon._

_I'm probably going to be stuck in the hospital for another week or so while they make sure my brain doesn't suddenly start leaking out my ears. If your travels bring you back here soon, please come by. If you can't, I'll let you know where I go after I'm out._

_Good luck with the politicians; try to refrain from shooting them._

_- Kaidan_

_P.S.: Thank you._

She swallowed. Her eyes drifted away from the screen and over to his picture. After a minute she forced them back to the screen, forced herself to read it again.

Polite – friendly even – but detached, impersonal. The "thank you" was the only acknowledgement of all she'd said. She nodded to herself. _Okay._ She obviously had some work still to do. That was fine. She had expected to. It didn't say "Get out of my life and never speak to me again", and that was all that mattered.

She took a deep breath, pushed aside the cavernous ache threatening to open up deep inside her, and hit 'Reply'.

_Kaidan,_

_I'm so very, very glad to hear it. Let the doctors take care of your brain, it's a precious thing. _

_I'll come visit as soon as I possibly can. I just have to make a stop by Sur'Kesh to rescue some fertile female Krogan from a Salarian lab before Cerberus gets there so we can cure the genophage._

_I know… It's not an action I take lightly. But it is the price of Krogan assistance for the Turians, which is the price of Turian assistance for us. I can hear Ash now…"That's why I hate politics." She wasn't wrong, and she'd probably be chewing my ass right now were she here. _

_I had the chance to think a lot about the genophage during my fight against the Collectors. I learned disturbing things about it, saw its far-reaching effects…_

_Kaidan, there's so much that happened during that time, and I never got to tell you about any of it. I wanted to, I wish I had, and I'd still like to._

_I'll be there soon._

_- Graceyn_

She sent the message, turned off the terminal, and sat there in the silence for a long time. The knowledge that he was going to live – more than that, be well and whole – was as a warm, soothing wave, washing away the sharp pain, the panic, the dread then blanketing her with relief, with peace, with joy. The knowledge that he may never forgive her was a slight chill that followed the wave, an involuntary shiver amongst the warmth.

She could fix it. If she could defeat Reapers, Collectors, enemies great and small, she could surely fix this. She smiled at his picture, stood up, and went out to entertain her guests.

... ... ...

_Shepard had lost her parents when she was sixteen years old. Her friends, her classmates, her teachers, everyone she had ever known had been murdered, leaving her a girl alone in the world._

_She had died when she was twenty-nine years old. Lain broken, burnt and decaying; a frozen corpse on a frozen world. Nothing but meat and bones. She had been resurrected by a madman only to find she had lost everything, once again a woman alone in the world._

_She had been arrested for doing only what she must. The powers that be had stripped her of rank, of all official status, called her a war criminal and locked her away. _

_She had seen her people's homeworld attacked, seen it fall under the might of the ancient enemy she had borne in her nightmares for years. She had lived the unenviable experience of being proven right._

_Despite all of these events, any one of which would have broken the average person and the sum total of which would have broken all but the strongest – _

_Shepard was of the opinion that she lived a charmed life._

_She had been given a place to hide in the rubble on Mindoir when no one else had been so lucky. She had been in the right place at the right time on Elysium, enabling her to save herself, innumerable colonists, even the very colony itself. She had then met David Anderson, who would among many other things years later give her the opportunity to save the galaxy._

_She had met Kaidan Alenko, who besides saving her heart and soul would that first day inadvertently give her the Prothean visions that would grant her the means to save the galaxy._

_She had been resurrected, returned to life, as none had ever been before. She had been given the most improbable people imaginable, who had changed her life in ways unforeseeable. She had been given old friends when she needed them most, new friends when she expected them least, and second chances when she had been without hope. All these gifts had enabled her to go where no free person had gone before, save humanity, and live to tell about it._

_She had escaped a planet on fire through the most improbable combination of luck, chance and fate. She had a third time been given the most advanced ship in the galaxy and thus the key to go where others could not and do what others would not. She had out of the blue and by seeming random chance been given old friends, yet again, to aid her and strengthen her. She had been given the gift of the continued life of the only man she had ever loved. She had been given the ability and knowledge to access the most powerful leaders in the galaxy in order to forge alliances and armies to face the greatest threat the galaxy had ever known._

Given all of that, she just wasn't that surprised when Mordin Solus walked back into her life at precisely the moment when she needed him most.

She had actually read back through her Journal entries about Mordin the night before, as she struggled to come to terms with the decision to cure the genophage. Not that she was going to change her mind – the strategic and military situation demanded it. Her public face projected absolute confidence in the rightness of the decision, but her conscience desperately wanted to be at peace with it.

Going back over her thoughts and observations at the time, she eventually realized that she had the right of it then. It wasn't a simple, black-and-white issue; like all too many things in life, it was damn complicated. But at the end of the day the Krogan were a sentient, intelligent species who hadn't declared war on anyone in over a thousand years, and the powers that be didn't have the right to exterminate them.

She stood in the entryway of the underground lab at the STG base, surrounded by Salarian techs and scientists – most of whom were likely also trained killers – performing various actions presumably related to the specimens of a number of species held in glass cages lining the walls of the lab. None of the specimens appeared to be there of their own volition. What the _hell_ was STG doing in this place?

Her attention was drawn away from the cages by a flurry of activity around one man. He dumped a pile of datapads on a shell-shocked aide, turned and typed furiously for a few seconds at a terminal, quickly pointed another aide at a shelf – "No, there!" – then suddenly spun around towards her.

"Shepard! Most advantageous you are here. Heard Cerberus was advancing, need to get Krogan female to safety."

"I'm happy to see you too, Mordin."

"Ah, yes. Pleasantries – would like to engage in them, but we must move swiftly."

"Of course. Lead the way." And just like that, he was part of the team. Perhaps the Great Quest To Understand Mordin Solus would have a true conclusion after all…probably not, but _perhaps_.

She hurried to catch up with him along the walkway. "Only one female left; all were physically compromised from their time in Maelon's lab, arrived too late to save the others – " He glanced back at the synthetic following them while quietly but intently absorbing everything around her.

EDI had so desperately wanted to come on a mission; her enthusiasm had seeped into her voice and movements and interactions with Shepard. After two days of talking with her and watching her, Shepard had determined that it was almost definitely probably really EDI in the body and nothing else, and had decided that, well, there was no time like the present.

EDI saw the glance and looked over at him. "Mordin, it is good to see you again."

His left eye twitched.

Shepard smiled. "Mordin, this is EDI, in the flesh…so to speak."

His right eye twitched. "Fascinating. AI intelligence in physical form – similar to the Geth, yet beyond them – able to move amongst us, seemingly benign – actually benign? – requires further contemplat– "

"Mordin. _Focus_. EDI's with me, she's cool. So there's only one female left? Cerberus is on their way, so we really, really, _really_ need to get her to safety. Help me do that?"

"Yes. Of course. This way, Shepard. Garrus. EDI."

... ... ...

"_Species 732, the Yahg, have been authorized for covert uplift. They are ideal candidates for expanding Salarian influence with full deniability. The risk is minimal."_

"_Evolutionary trials…morphological simulations…exo-genetic assessments…"_

"_Species 408, the Varren, could provide a novel form of biological warfare. With enhanced size and intelligence, they could harass hostile civilian populations at minimal cost. Recommend project approval."_

Shepard kicked the speed on the treadmill up another notch. She often felt energized rather than exhausted after a mission, but today she had another reason for running like a Reaper was chasing her less than an hour after returning from Sur'Kesh. That reason was anger. Anger that might turn to rage if she didn't run it off, and quickly.

The logs she had listened to at the base ran through her head in an endless loop. Those goddamn Salarians! _No_…she didn't mean that. Every species had its seedy underbelly, its black ops, its sinister conspiracies. The fact that the Salarians were no different shouldn't surprise her. But goddammit… STG was going to uplift the Varren, the _Yahg_? For use against _civilian_ populations? Were they _insane_? The Krogan may tend towards violence, but they hadn't slaughtered the Salarian team upon first contact as the Yahg had; they weren't predatory, vicious _animals_ as the Varren were.

And Linron had _dared_ accuse _her_ of making a mistake, had claimed the Krogan uplift had been an error when they were planning on doing the same thing again? With far worse subjects? She suddenly _really_ _wanted_ to cure the genophage, if only because to refuse to do so put her on the same side as Dalatrass Linron.

As she ran, her mind kept pace with the pumping of her legs. Suddenly, she began to smile.

She was going to do even better. She was going to cure the genophage. _Then_ she was going to own the Salarians with a single recording of a single research log. When the time was right, when it mattered, she was going to walk away with the Turians, the Krogan, _and_ the Salarians. And damned if she wasn't going to win this war.

Unlike STG, she didn't play god with the universe in order to gain leverage in petty political games. No, she thought with more than a touch of irony as she finally slowed the treadmill to a stop and toweled off the sweat from her face. She only played god with the universe in order to save civilization…

... ... ...

Shepard kicked her boots up on the table of the Normandy lounge and looked over at Mordin, who she had somehow convinced to _sit down_ for a few minutes.

"So…we're going to cure the genophage."

He nodded, positively vibrating with energy as he fidgeted on the couch. "Yes. Seems the best course of action under the current circumstances. Reapers invading, need all available assistance. Krogan would provide – "

She smiled indulgently at him. "Mordin, it's okay to just say it's the right thing to do."

He stopped, his body still save for his eyes, which refused to join the rest of his body and stop blinking. "Yes. Right thing to do, right thing for this time. Right thing for Krogan, right thing for galaxy."

"Yes, Mordin. It is."

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "Yes, Shepard. It is." He smiled; she was forever surprised at what an astonishingly bright, shining sight it was when Mordin smiled. "Is good to be back on the Normandy; have found that I have missed it lately." The smile vanished into a frown. "Remembered it being brighter though. Hope that – "

She raised a palm in concession. "I know, I _know_…we're working on it."

She looked over at him thoughtfully. "Mordin, did you know what STG was doing at the base? Other than the Krogan females, I mean. Did you know they were planning to uplift the Yahg, the Varren?"

He stared at her a moment before nodding almost imperceptibly. "Yes."

She maintained a calm, even expression. "Did you approve?"

"Of course not! Barbaric. Dangerous. Arrogant."

She exhaled, relieved that her trust in him had not been a fool's errand. "Could you have stopped it?"

"Yahg, Varren not my decision, not my responsibility. Would take time, effort, struggle to stop. No time. Had to focus on fertile females, on genophage. My fault, my responsibility to fix. Never again want to see what we saw on Tuchanka, Shepard. No more deaths due to the genophage."

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him. "I thought you said you had gotten over what we saw at Maelon's lab – you know, like the _next day_."

He looked away. "Had thought that saving humanity from Collectors would provide fulfillment, satisfaction with accomplishments. After it was over, found I still needed to do more. Still had mistakes to correct."

She smiled at him, nodding gently. "Okay. I'm glad you get the chance then."

He stood up abruptly. "Come with me; you should talk with Eve. Most refreshing woman."

She reluctantly pulled her feet off the table and stood, accepting that she should be grateful for the four minutes he had managed to sit and actually pour out his soul to her. "Eve?"

He glanced back at her. "She will not give her true name; we are on a human ship, human mythology seemed appropriate. For the Krogan, she fits many of the characteristics of 'Eve' from human Christian mytholo– "

"I'm familiar with Christian beliefs, Mordin. And I agree; in many ways I suppose she does, but… I tell you what – let's go talk with her. If she is as 'refreshing' as you say, I'm sure I will agree."

... ... ...

To say that Eve was 'refreshing' turned out to be quite the understatement. Shepard was suddenly suspect towards Wrex and pretty much all the other male Krogan running around the galaxy, that they had perhaps hidden away their females for reasons beyond their safety. For Eve was intelligent, wise and kind, yet knowledgeable and keen to the complexities of the galaxy as it existed. People everywhere would think rather better of the Krogan if Eve were their public face.

And if other Krogan women were like Eve, curing the genophage might really work out okay in the end…

She was startled when Mordin interrupted their chat to borrow Eve for some tests. More than an hour had passed in the blink of an eye, as she had shared thoughts and musings and laughs with this beautiful woman.

"Okay, Mordin, I will let you do your very important work. Eve, it has been a true pleasure."

"And for myself, Commander. It is heartening to meet a woman, of another species and from another world, who is regarded so highly, honorable and inspiring to so many – and to find her so likable and comforting. I hope we have more opportunities to speak before we must be parted."

Shepard dipped her head in acknowledgement. "The honor is mine. I will visit you tomorrow if at all possible."

She stopped by Mordin on the way out. "So now that all the pieces are in place, can you do it?"

He glanced over at her while typing impossibly fast on the holographic keyboard. "Yes. Maelon's data invaluable; experience on genophage modification even more so. It will take time, but yes. I can formulate a cure."

She met and tried to hold his eyes. "How much time?"

He typed furiously. "Days. Perhaps as long as a week."

She smiled and patted him on the back. "Excellent. Work as hard as you can, but don't forget to take a breath every now and then."

He nodded distractedly. "Yes, of course. Breathing important for both short and long-term viability."

She laughed in exasperation and left the Med Lab.

... ... ...

Mordin walked briskly over to Eve, then smiled up at her. "Just a quick draw of blood. Do not worry."

Eve extended her arm graciously. "I do not worry, Mordin. You have been nothing but kind and gentle to me."

He stuttered in embarrassment, though his hand was steady. "Least I could do. You suffered at the hands of my former student. You suffered because of my…because of the actions of my people. You deserve peace and comfort."

She watched him with keen interest. "The life of a Krogan is not one of peace and comfort, Doctor; that is no less so because I am a woman."

Mordin looked up at her, his eyes stilling for a moment. "Perhaps together we can make it so."

... ... ...

Shepard glanced up at the ceiling as she exited the Med Lab – out of habit, and because the cockpit was too damn far away. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Take us to the Citadel, please."

"Understood. We should be there around 1:15pm tomorrow."

"Excellent. Oh, and EDI? You did good today."

There was a silent pause. "Thank you, Shepard. It was most…enlightening."

She chuckled lightly. "I'm glad. I'm going to turn in early tonight, so unless a Reaper attacks the ship I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Shepard."

In her quarters, she showered, put on some piano jazz, dimmed the lights, sat on the bed, legs crossed lotus-style, and closed her eyes. As the soothing, melodic tones washed over her, she willfully set aside the thoughts of the genophage, uplifted Yahg, STG conspiracies and bitchy Dalatrasses that had consumed her day. She smiled to herself then exhaled slowly as she thought back to the first time she met Kaidan Alenko.


	54. Consequences

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 54**

"**Consequences"**

* * *

><p>Shepard walked through the door of Kaidan's hospital room then came to a stop. He was reading a news story on his Omni-tool but looked up at the sound of the door opening. She smiled, her eyes lighting up. "Hi."<p>

She took his breath away. She looked so damn amazing, shining hair naturally falling over one shoulder, eyes sparkling, smile breathing life into the room. He swallowed, staring at her wordlessly.

Unnerved by his silence, her brow furrowed. "Can I come in?"

He shook his head roughly. "Of course, please." He quickly flipped off the Omni-tool and turned to her as she walked over.

She reached the side of his bed and took his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. "Hi."

He couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. "Hi."

They fell into one another's eyes. His still had burst blood vessels shooting out from his irises like jagged bolts of lightning; she didn't care. Hers were a whirlpool of violet that threatened to pull him in and drown him; he didn't care.

After what could have been minutes he blinked and the world rushed back in; she let go of his hand and sat down in the chair, placing a bag on the floor. "So I've got good news. I finally heard from Anderson just before we got to the Citadel. He's scrambling around trying to put together a resistance force from the friggin' wilderness – but he's alive, he's fighting, and he's not alone."

He exhaled in relief. "That _is_ good news. I've been worried about him, leaving him there at ground zero of the invasion. I've been worried about everyone of course – I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be stuck in this bed when the most important battle of our lives is finally here. My friends are out there fighting, you're out there fighting, my students are out there fighting – " He cut himself off. "I've been training a spec ops biotic squad the last couple of months."

She smiled affectionately. "I know."

The corners of his mouth twitched as surprise briefly flitted across his eyes. "Right. So despite a tidal wave of messages pouring in from Command, I'm having a damn hard time finding out what's going on. This 'Crucible', is it what Liara found in the Archives?"

"It is; we were able to recover the data from the synthetic. It's a massive weapon, though no one is quite sure yet exactly what it does. But we can build it; we're already building it. It's an unprecedented project; I'm trying to get help everywhere I can, but…" Her nose wrinkled up slightly. "It's not easy. Everyone wants to turtle up in the hope that somehow they can protect their planet from the Reapers when no one else can."

"I'm sure; it's an understandable reaction. How's Palaven?"

She let out a breath. "Burning. But holding out, for now. They were better prepared than we were. Due in no small part to Garrus – he's been leading a task force to prepare for the Reapers for the last several months."

"Is he with you now?"

She nodded. "The Normandy is quite an interesting place at the moment – its current inhabitants also include both the Turian Primarch…and Wrex."

He burst out laughing then grimaced in pain, rubbing his jaw gingerly. "Oh my god, I can't even imagine. Be sure to check regularly for hull breaches."

"Oh, believe me I am…" She rolled her eyes dramatically. "The Primarch's a good man though…and so is Wrex. It will be okay – it's just a _little_ tense."

He glanced down at the floor. "What's in the bag?"

She grinned. "Presents."

She reached into the bag then handed him an OSD. "Music. It's that jazz artist you loved to play when we were in Vancouver. I'm sure you probably own it, but I didn't know if it had made it off Earth with you."

He smiled wistfully, staring at the OSD for a moment before placing it carefully on the table beside the bed. "It didn't. Thank you – I've found it helps keep the headaches at bay."

She smiled affectionately again. "I know." She looked down and reached back into the bag, so she didn't see the look of wonder flash in his eyes. "And now for something that will _not_ keep the headaches at bay."

He reached out for the bottle, chuckling. "_Elasa…_"

She didn't let go, pulling it back slightly. "But this one comes with conditions. You can't drink it yet – obviously, hospital." She captured his eyes and held them, her voice dropping a notch and losing the playful tone. "And when you do, you have to drink it with me."

He let go of the bottle and closed his eyes. "Shepard…"

"Don't 'Shepard' me."

He huffed a brief laugh. "Fair enough."

She set the bottle on the table and turned back to him, leaning forward in the chair. "I'm serious, Kaidan. I meant what I said in my message and then some. I can't undo the past – " she frowned " – I've tried; didn't work. But I am so _very_ sorry, and I will do whatever I need to in order to make you believe me."

He shook his head, his forehead wrinkled in consternation. "You don't have to – I do believe you."

She nodded thoughtfully, waiting until his eyes returned to her. "Okay. Then I guess the question is, can you forgive me?"

He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation and stared out the window. "It's not about forgiveness…"

"Then what is it about? Tell me, so I can fix it." Her voice was patient yet confident, as though she knew this was as fixable as everything else in the galaxy.

He turned back to her, his eyes searching but his jaw resolute. "How do I know you won't shut me out again the next time something goes wrong? You've shown no inclination thus far to let me in when things gets hard, to let me help you."

She nodded emphatically and met his gaze honestly. "I understand. The answer is that you don't. I can only ask you to trust me when I tell you that I _want_ to talk to you, I _want_ to share…everything…with you, and that, though at times it can be difficult for me, I'll try very hard to do so. And when you tell me I'm shutting you out, I'll listen."

He exhaled and looked away.

Her shoulders dropped a fraction of an inch. "What? If I promised more it would be a lie and you know it. I'm sitting here being completely honest with you; at least do the same for me." She watched his eyes squeeze shut. "Is there something else? Or can you simply not…" Her voice softened as her shoulders dropped further. "What do I need to do, just tell me…"

He finally looked back at her, and his eyes were sad, worn. "Shepard…you've already broken my heart and left me alone twice – I know the first time wasn't your fault, but it is what it is. I can't take you doing it a third time. I can't." He let out a breath; it sounded desperate. "There would be nothing left of me…"

Her eyes were wide and sorrowful. "Kaidan – "

"Can you sit here and promise me it won't happen again?"

She frowned then, staring at him suspiciously. "Does dying still count?"

"Yes."

She blinked and straightened up in the chair. "That's not fair."

His voice was quiet. "I know. But you died on me once already, and it nearly killed me."

She stood up abruptly and went over to the window, pacing slowly, her back to him. She stared out at the Presidium Commons below without really seeing it. When she finally spoke, her voice seemed to carry in it all the sadness in the universe.

"Then no…I can't."

She could hear him let out a breath. "And here I thought you always found a way to survive."

"Yeah…I don't think Dad was counting on the Reapers when he issued his little dying edict."

"So? It's never been about your father, Shepard. It's always been about you."

She flared and spun on him. It wasn't fair to him; he was a captive audience, yet couldn't get in her face and fight back. So he merely sat in the bed watching her, and it seemed to him a storm raged in her eyes; they were as the nebula surrounding the Citadel, a swirling, writhing purple, glimpses of the stars dancing within.

"I _still_ can't promise it. I can't promise it because I've already died once, thus demonstrating unequivocally that it can, in fact, happen. On any day, on any mission. I can't promise it because I'm _willing_ to die if it means stopping the Reapers. I don't want to, I don't intend to, I will do everything in my considerable power not to – but if I must do so, I will. It's my job. It's my duty. And it's _yours_ too, dammit. Do you think I want to imagine you – " Her voice cracked. "Do you have any _idea_ what it was like to watch you almost die?"

He gazed into the swirling nebula, though it ached to do so. "Do you have any idea what it was like to watch you _actually_ die?"

She exhaled and turned away from him as all the energy seeped out of her body. He was right, and there was nothing she could say. Whatever pain she had felt in the last week could never compare to the pain he must have felt for two years… She stared out the window, running a hand roughly through her hair. He watched her silently.

After an eternity she turned back around. She had a peculiar look on her face, as if she wasn't entirely sure any of this was real. It couldn't be real.

"So what are you saying?"

"I don't…" His eyes were dark and brooding; it made the streaks of red stand out in the harsh hospital lighting. "You have to understand, from my perspective up until three days ago I thought…" His voice trailed off.

"Well it took you _ten_ days to figure things out after Horizon, so – " Her mouth clamped shut. She sucked in a breath, gazing at him imploringly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

His voice was flat. "Why not? It's true."

"Because I don't _care_ how long it took – you did, and that's all that ever mattered."

At that moment he wanted out of this damnable bed more than anything – even if he wasn't sure whether it would be to grab her and kiss her or to run away and hide. But getting up would be clumsy and slow and would probably bring the doctors running…

So instead he simply nodded before looking away. "I just…I need some time to think."

She bit her lip and slowly nodded. She quietly went back to the chair to sit down, then stopped and looked at the door, then back at him. She worked to keep her voice even. "Is it okay if I stay a little while?"

He nodded quickly, a sad smile reaching his eyes. "Of course."

She sat down and placed her hands carefully in her lap. It took every ounce of her willpower to keep her face neutral, to keep her eyes calm, to keep from screaming and raging at him, to keep from _demanding_ that he stop being stubborn and just come back to her. Forcing her will on him hadn't worked out so well the last time, best not try it again. Also, she reminded herself, it would be wrong. His life was his own; it wasn't hers to play with.

"So how are you feeling?"

He watched her for a moment, wondering how she could just turn it all off so quickly, could be so calm and poised. He'd seen her do it before in professional situations; intellectually he knew it was an act, but emotionally it still stung. _It's what you just asked her to do Alenko, quit being a petulant child._

He sighed deeply. "Like a Krogan scrambled my brains and had them for breakfast…" The corner of his mouth twitched up. "You remember that time on Casbin when a Geth Colossus blew the Mako off the hill with me still in it, scrambling around trying to find more thermal clips? I spent a week laid up in the Med Lab with a broken leg, a broken arm and an unbroken migraine."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course I remember – you took my thermal clips with you down the hill. Ash finally killed that damn thing with two shots left between the both of us."

"Yeah, sorry about that…anyway, I'm pretty sure this is worse. But…every day's been better. So that's something."

She tried to smile. "It is."

"So…Udina came by earlier today. He, uh, asked me to become a Spectre."

She smiled for real this time, she couldn't help it. "Kaidan, that's wonderful. I'm so happy for you."

He fidgeted with the sheet. "I'm not sure I'm going to accept."

She tilted her head at him and smiled teasingly. "Come on…seriously, you want to be sitting around by the fire one evening, telling your grandkids the story of that time you were asked to be a Council Spectre but turned it down, and how you went on to save the galaxy from the Reapers but because you were just some Alliance officer, Spectre Shepard got all the credit?"

The words slipped out before he could stop them. "Our grandkids?"

She flinched and looked away.

He let out a harsh laugh. "_Right._ What was I thinking, as if the great Commander Fucking Shepard would _ever_ stop long enough to have a family…when will I learn to stop being such a goddamn romantic…" He stared out the window, jaw clenched despite the pain it caused.

She stared at the floor as if she were looking for an escape hatch to open. What had she been _thinking_, saying that? _Grandkids?_ Her voice was barely a whisper. "No…it's not that…"

He turned back to her, his expression pained, his voice tight. "No? Then what _is_ it?"

Her forehead dropped into her palm.

_"Fuck…"_

She swallowed hard then looked up at him.

"Kaidan, I can't have children. Turns out not even Cerberus could get those parts back up and running. Or chose not to."

His harsh expression collapsed. "_Graceyn_…I didn't…"

She didn't seem to hear him; she just gazed at the ceiling and chuckled bitterly. "I don't know, maybe I could find Miranda's father, get some pro tips, make some little clone Shepards one day…"

"I'd love little clone Shepards."

Her head swung sharply back to him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, dropping his head back against the pillow. "_Dammit._ See, you _do_ these things, and you make me want…" After what seemed forever he opened his eyes.

"God, you are _so_ beautiful…"

Her heart felt as if it was going to shatter any second, but she just smiled and rolled her eyes. "Well, I'd say 'you're so handsome', but the truth is you're a little bruised up at the moment…"

He chuckled feebly. "Yeah, more than a little."

Then the veil behind his eyes shuttered, closing down. He turned towards her without quite meeting her eyes. "Look, I'm going to be stuck in this bed a while longer. I'll think about…things. I will." He attempted a smile, but it was a poor attempt. "Now get out of here, you have a galaxy to save."

She shook her head softly. "It's okay, I have some time."

His chin dropped to his chest. He sounded so tired. "No…I need you to not be here."

She visibly jerked. "What?"

He sighed wearily and found a way to look at her. "Shepard, when you're here with me, I can't think straight…everything gets turned all upside-down, sideways, I don't even _know_ what direction things are pointing, you spun them around so hard. And right now…I need to be thinking straight."

She stared at him for the briefest moment as a flash of white-hot pain flashed across her eyes before she dropped her head to stare at the floor. When she finally looked back up her face was a mask, her eyes clouded, her voice flat and toneless. "Of course. I understand. I'll go."

His eyes pleaded with her. "I'm _sorry_," he whispered.

She nodded tightly and stood up, reaching over and squeezing his hand firmly but briefly. The mask held as she quickly glanced at him.

"Get well. The galaxy needs you." Then she turned away and walked out, forcing herself not to run.

As the door closed behind her, he whispered to it. "And what about you?"

... ... ...

She sagged against the wall outside the hospital, eyes closed. She felt like she had just flunked the most important exam of her life, only to find out it had been rigged from the start and there had been no way to win. Except, of course, no measly exam had ever torn her heart out and ripped it into little pieces. She breathed in deeply and tried to tamp down the stabbing pain into a dull ache. She had to –

Her Omni-tool beeped. She reluctantly opened the waiting message.

_Hey Shep. I heard a rumor the Normandy was docked at the Citadel. If you've got a minute come meet me on the Docks in the Refugee Camps, let's catch up. I'll find you._

_- Kasumi_

She smiled. If ever she needed a friend, now was the time. She hit Reply.

_I'm on the way._

The Refugee Camps were a chaos of people – different species, injured and healthy, crying and fighting, holed up in everything from sleeping bags to elaborate shelters. Merchants and scam artists hocked their wares, nurses tended to the ailing, children played games and ran squealing through the pathways. She couldn't decide whether to be devastated or heartened – most of these people had lost nearly everything, there was so much pain and sadness; yet the crowd buzzed with _life_, finding a way. She watched a little girl leaning against a table, sketching a furry dog on a datapad.

"I loved to draw when I was a little girl."

She turned around and gave Kasumi a warm hug. "It's so good to see you. I'm glad you're okay."

"Ah, you know me, always sneaking my way into and out of danger. It's good to see you too. I've missed you."

They turned and began strolling through the crowd, picking their way through the crush of people. "Why'd you want to meet down here? This place is insane."

Kasumi grinned. "Exactly. No better place to hide than a crowd."

"Somebody after you?"

"Somebody's always after me, you know that. But nah, I'm mostly good. But what about you? Out saving the galaxy?"

She shook her head slowly. "Doing my damnedest, but it's not easy…"

Kasumi chuckled. ""If it was easy they'd let _anyone_ do it. Seeing as it's not, they'll let you handle it for them." Shepard rolled her eyes. "Gorgeous hair, by the way. You totally should have grown it out years ago."

"Thanks. I might have, but it's not _exactly_ Alliance regulation. Of course, Alliance regs aren't a priority right now, so…"

They squeezed through a passageway and entered a makeshift marketplace that had sprung up in a docking bay. Merchants were selling everything from food and medical supplies to sleeping bags and pillows to movie vids and porn OSDs.

Kasumi picked up one claiming to feature Asari and Varren engaging in…she quickly dropped it and backed away, eyes wide. "Wow. Moving on." She leaned in closer to Shepard as the crowd thinned. "So…you know that intel Keiji had? I think it might actually be important now – not the focus of the intel so much, but the result of it. I'm thinking maybe I should leak it, but I wanted to talk to you first."

Shepard glared at the ceiling. "Shit, Kasumi, I'm out there busting my ass trying to build coalitions, trying to get everyone to work together – the last goddamn thing I need is the Alliance embroiled in a scandal!"

Kasumi's eyes narrowed, taken aback by the fraying in Shepard's voice. She put a hand on her arm. "I _know_. I didn't mean leak it to the media – I meant leak it discreetly to someone who could investigate it and deal with any…problems."

"Problems?"

"Problems like indoctrinated Hanar on the Citadel, for instance…"

Shepard chuckled, shaking her head ruefully. "Okay. Tell me."

Kasumi nodded. "So a Batarian research team was studying some Reaper tech, and – "

She groaned. "Dear god, does _everyone_ have Reaper tech? Cerberus, merc groups, Alliance deep-cover labs, Batarian research teams…with all these Reaper goodies lying around for the taking, _how_ did the Council continue to deny their existence for three years? How the hell is it that _I_ was the one that was crazy?"

Kasumi frowned. "Um…because everyone that got close to one was indoctrinated before they were able to do anything with their findings?"

Shepard stopped suddenly, biting her lower lip. "Okay that was actually a pretty good answer. Carry on."

Kasumi grabbed her hand, dragging her back into the crowd. "Right. So the Alliance found out about it and sent in a black ops team to take them down. The raid turned into a massacre, and the Reaper tech disappeared. The Alliance faked a power failure and explosion at the facility to cover it up – hence the potential for scandal."

Shepard nodded. "The Reaper tech disappeared, and we're talking about indoctrinated Hanar, so I'm guessing that's where it ended up?"

Kasumi laughed softly. "You always were two steps ahead of everyone else. A Hanar named Zamandus tipped off the Alliance about the Batarians and insisted on going with them. He disappeared along with the Reaper tech during the raid. I didn't think much of it – I had other priorities when spending quality time with Keiji's graybox – but earlier this week I happened to catch a news story about dissent among the Hanar diplomatic representatives regarding how to respond to the Reaper threat. The diplomat arguing against joining the fight was named Zamandus."

"Got it." Shepard rubbed her temples wearily. "Give me the data, I'll go after him."

Kasumi smiled kindly. "Oh, I wouldn't ask you to do this – you've got far bigger problems to deal with. I just, well, wanted your permission."

She frowned. "Kasumi, this is a real problem, and it needs to be handled carefully. Who were you going to leak it to?"

"There's this Salarian Spectre, Jondum Bau – he's been chasing me for a while now. I thought I'd send it to him."

"Chasing you? Do you need me to get him off your back?"

"Nah, we have a fun little game of cat-and-mouse going on. He's pretty cool."

Shepard activated her comm. "Mordin, do you have a second?"

"Yes, several – synthesizing proteins while listening to Eve talk about the life of a Krogan Shaman."

"Sounds like fun. Do you know of a Salarian Spectre by the name of Jondum Bau?"

"Yes. Good Spectre. Interesting. Clever. Creative. One time he – "

"You can tell me later, Mordin. Can I trust him?"

"Certainly. Honorable man. More so than most."

"Okay, thank you, Mordin. I'll let you get back to those proteins." She cut the link. "Alright, Kasumi, do what you need to. Just be careful."

"Thanks, Shep. It will be nice to have a clear conscience about this."

They suddenly realized they had reached the end of the Docks, as all the bustle dissolved into a plain gray wall in front of them. Shepard looked over at Kasumi speculatively. "Say…I don't suppose you want to go get drunk with me?"

Kasumi raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. There's this club, Purgatory, it's so damn dark in there no one will even see you. I'm buying…?"

Kasumi smiled broadly. "Well in that case, lead the way."

... ... ...

Shepard came back from the bar with four full glasses and slid onto the stool at the table in the corner. She picked up a glass and clinked it against Kasumi's.

"Cheers." She knocked back the glass and drained it in one gulp.

Kasumi watched her, eyes narrowed suspiciously, and sipped her drink. "Much as I enjoy hanging out with you, I'm not sure that's the point of our little adventure. Any interest in telling me what this is about?"

Shepard smiled apologetically. "I _do_ want to spend time with you, Kasumi. You know that."

"I do." She just kept staring at Shepard, an eyebrow raised, waiting.

Shepard looked down, picking up the second glass and taking a long swallow. "The Reapers are here, isn't that enough? It's enough for everyone else in here."

"No, it's not. Not for you."

She finally sighed and looked over at Kasumi hopelessly. "I'm an idiot and I probably ruined everything? How's that for a reason?"

"Ahh, Shepard, you are many things, but an idiot is not one of them."

"Don't be so sure about that…" She drained the second glass.

Kasumi tilted her head slightly, frowning in concern. "Okay then…what did you ruin?"

"It doesn't matter. I'll be back." Shepard slid off the stool and headed for the bar.

... ... ...

Three hours later, Shepard stumbled off the stool and fell against Kasumi. "I don't think…" Kasumi eased her down onto the edge of a nearby couch.

"I just…need…a minute…" Her head fell back onto the couch and her eyes fluttered closed.

Kasumi kneeled down next to her. "What did he do to you, Shepard…" She sighed, then reached over and activated Shepard's Omni-tool, scrolling through the display for a minute then hitting the comm.

"Garrus? Hey, it's Kasumi…I'm doing good, thanks…yeah, I'm using Shepard's comm…listen, are you free by chance? Shepard could use a little help, we're in this club, Purgatory…excellent, we're over in the lounge area, to the left when you come in."

Garrus stalked into Purgatory on full alert. He was expecting a fight. Not that Shepard couldn't handle herself in a fight just fine, but maybe it was a _big_ fight. His eyes darted around the club, and though it was dark as hell, he couldn't _see_ a fight – just drunk people making fools of themselves on the dance floor and off.

He started over towards the lounge area. He knew he didn't stand a chance in hell of finding Invisible Girl, but he should be able to…he saw a shock of red hair draped over the back of a couch.

He looked down at Shepard, collapsed haphazardly on the couch, and frowned. He suddenly realized Kasumi was kneeling next to her in the shadows.

"This…wasn't what I was expecting…"

Kasumi stood up and gave him a quick hug. "Hey Garrus. Thanks for coming."

"Sure, but…what happened?"

Kasumi sighed tiredly. "She asked me if I wanted to go get drunk with her, and I said sure, and then…she got drunk. _Really_ drunk, really fast. She wouldn't talk about what was wrong though. Eventually she started muttering stuff about Kaidan and promises, but by that point I couldn't really make sense of it. I'd had a few drinks myself, and, well…"

Garrus closed his eyes and let out a long breath. "Right."

He squatted down and slid his arms under her knees and shoulders, gently lifting her up. She mumbled something indecipherable through the hair strewn across her face. "It's okay, Shepard, we're just going to go back to the Normandy. I've got you."

He looked over at Kasumi. "Do you want to come? You could, um, help me get her into bed and stuff, cause I don't really… You could stay the night, I know she wouldn't mind."

Kasumi chuckled lightly. "Sure. I can do that."

He nodded, repositioned Shepard snugly against his chest, then made for the exit.

... ... ...

Garrus strode past the nurse.

"I'm sorry, sir, visiting hours are over for the day, you really should – "

He didn't stop or turn around. "Official C-Sec business. I'll just be a minute. I need to go jerk a knot in somebody's neck."

"But sir!"

He stormed into Kaidan's room and flicked on the light. "Bastard."

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut. "_Garrus?_ What? Turn off the light, I'm having a damn migraine here…" It had come on in force shortly after Shepard had left, for utterly obvious reasons that had little to do with his implant or his concussion, and was showing no sign of dissipating anytime soon.

"Good, you should be. I _care_ – you deserve it. What did you say to her?"

Kaidan tried to open his eyes then covered them with his palms at the blinding, painful light, and asked the stupid question because it was all his pain-wracked brain could think of to say. "Who?"

"Shepard, you moron. I just literally _carried_ her out of a bar and all the way back to the Normandy, drunk off her ass, mumbling your name and not much else. Whatever you did, I hope you're happy with it."

Kaidan rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to ease the stabbing pain behind his eyes. _Shepard had always known how to temper the pain…_ "Garrus, I – "

"You know what, I _don't_ care. Don't do it again. In fact, if you're going to hurt her, better that you just stay away. She's the only hope any of us have, and she doesn't need you fucking with her head."

Kaidan sighed into the pain, his voice strained. "She doesn't need me at all…"

Garrus had started to leave but stopped in the doorway and looked back at him, shaking his head in disbelief. "Is that what you think?"

He turned to go, then stopped again. "You know, back on the first Normandy, I thought you were a pretty smart guy. Level-headed, calm under pressure, knew a lot about a lot of things but didn't advertise it – let people underestimate you. I should have realized my mistake after Horizon but Shepard, she believed in you, so I let it go. But now…now I'd say you're pretty much an idiot."

Kaidan squinted in the direction of the door. "What are you talking ab– "

But Garrus was already gone.

... ... ...

A muffled noise emerged from the pillow, sounding vaguely like "Ugh…"

At the sound of movement that followed, Shepard squinted one eye open and found Kasumi standing at the side of the bed, both hands outstretched.

"Here you go – water, painkillers."

She rolled over and grabbed them immediately, guzzling half the bottle of water in a single swig, popping the pills, then collapsing back on the pillow.

"What…" She looked up at Kasumi suddenly, eyes wide. "Oh god…I'm so sorry…"

Kasumi grinned impishly. "Don't be. I got to spend the night on a remarkably comfortable couch, and I didn't even have to spend half the night holding your hair back while you puked – a pleasant surprise, by the way."

"Yeah, turns out biotics are good for more than just killing people – as a bonus, they take the edge off a hangover…" She clamped a hand on her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut. "A _little_ of the edge, anyway…"

After a minute she opened her eyes again and found Kasumi sitting on the edge of the bed. She slid over to give her more room. "How did I get back here? I don't remember much of anything after…well, after getting to Purgatory, really."

Kasumi studied the bedcovers intently. "Yeah…I commed Garrus…he kind of…carried you back to the Normandy…"

Shepard rolled over and buried her face in the pillow. "Oh _god_…he's never going to let me live this down…"

Kasumi frowned. "Actually, I think he was worried about you." She paused. "So was I. Are you doing okay?"

She propped up on her elbows and tried to smile. "Yeah…nothing a few more drunken nights and ten gallons of water the next morning won't fix…"

Kasumi stared at her unwaveringly. "Are you really?"

She let out a long sigh and met Kasumi's eyes. "No. But it doesn't matter – Grim Reaper's banging on the door, demanding to be dealt with, and he doesn't give a shit about my emotional health."

Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "Did you mean to make a truly horrendous pun?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like I'm in any condition to make a pun – good, marginal or truly horrendous?"

Kasumi laughed. "Not in the slightest."

"That's what I thought. So…I don't suppose you want to come along for the ride?"

"I have three outstanding felony warrants, I don't think serving on an Alliance military vessel would be the best idea. I do wish I could help though."

Shepard glanced over at her. "Think you can pull together a moderately-convincing fake identity?"

Kasumi shrugged. "Sure, wouldn't be the first time."

"The Crucible Project could definitely use your…_unique_ skills. They aren't in a position to be doing month-long background checks. Put it together, let me know the name, and I'll recommend you to Admiral Hackett."

Kasumi scrunched up her nose in suspicion. "You sure that's a good idea?"

She smiled. "You could make a real difference."

Kasumi rolled her eyes and stood up. "_Okay_ then…" She wandered over to the fish tank and started making faces at the fish, tapping lightly on the glass. "If you're functional, I should probably get going. You said you needed to head out to Tuchanka this morning."

Shepard slid her legs off the edge of bed, took a few slow, deep breaths, then carefully pushed up to a standing position. "Alright. Yes, I do. Shame on you for not wanting to come, I hear it's lovely there this time of year." She gingerly walked over to Kasumi and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry I ruined our night together, but thank you so much for taking care of me."

Kasumi suddenly realized she was experiencing something she couldn't recall ever feeling in her life, save for Keiji which was of course different. A wellspring of affection and _caring_ rose up inside her, nearly bringing tears to her eyes. She swallowed and squeezed Shepard back. "You didn't ruin anything. I just want you to be _okay_. Happy."

Shepard pulled back but kept her arms on Kasumi's shoulders. "We defeat the Reapers and I'll find a way to be, I promise. Now go, get your ass to doing some real work." She dropped her arms and took a step back, glaring suspiciously at the bathroom door. "I'm going to take a shower, then I think I need to go see Garrus…"

Kasumi smiled. "Okay, Shep. Kick the Reapers' ass, but make sure and take care of yourself too." She waved bye at the fish then turned and left.

When the door shut behind her, Shepard leaned hard on the fish tank and dropped her forehead to the cool glass. The new fish had been delivered…that was good. She was going to need them. "Hi, new fishies," she whispered.

She slowly exhaled, sagging against the tank. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into the bed and shut the world away.

_Commander. Leader. Example. Stand up, Shepard._


	55. Encounters

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 55**

"**Encounters"**

* * *

><p><em><span>Tuesday, 11:15 Galactic Standard Time (GST)<span>_

"What does that mean, Liara? I'm a smart girl, but I'm not a scientist."

Liara rested against the shelving along the wall in her quarters and kicked one ankle over the other. "It means we don't know what it is."

Shepard frowned, leaning forward in the chair. "I don't understand – is it some type of metal or compound we haven't discovered yet, or a new use for eezo no one has thought of, or – "

Liara shook her head. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, Shepard – we have _no idea_ what it is. It could be any or all or none of those things. The only detail we've been able to determine from the schematics is that it plays a vital role in the Crucible's firing mechanism. In every instance, in every relevant part of the schematic, there is simply one word – "

" – Catalyst."

She stared at Liara for a moment before collapsing back in the chair. "Well, fuck."

Liara chuckled lightly. "That would seem to be an appropriate sentiment." She pushed off the shelving and started pacing thoughtfully. She glanced over at the wall of monitors every few steps, making mental notes of what passed across them. "But it isn't a crisis, not yet. The latest estimates indicate that it will take us several months to complete construction of the Crucible, and that's only if we get the resources and manpower we need when we need them. We have time to figure it out."

She turned away from the monitors, looking back at Shepard and smiling. "Don't _worry_. Why don't you take a break? We don't have to work every time you come to see me."

Shepard just stared at the wall of monitors without really seeing them as her mind raced. "Why would they hide the nature of this one component? Everything else about the Crucible is clearly laid out, right?"

Liara sighed in a slight measure of frustration, shoulders dropping, and turned to her terminal. "Yes. Once we determined the format and structure of the schematics, the translations have become quite straightforward. Except for this."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Then either it's something that was so commonplace to the Protheans that it didn't occur to them that they would need to spell it out, or…"

Liara looked over her shoulder at the silence. "Or what, Shepard?"

She shook her head slowly. "Or it's obscured for a reason."

Liara's brow furrowed. "What reason could there be?"

Shepard stood up and glanced over at Liara, an eyebrow raised. "That _would_ be the question, wouldn't it?"

* * *

><p><em><span>Tuesday, 13:30 GST<span>_

Steven Hackett turned from the window that looked out onto the scaffolding and bare skeletal framework of the Crucible as a hologram shimmered to life in the center of his new office.

"Anderson, good to see you living and breathing."

Anderson smiled tiredly. "Breathing anyway. I'm glad I was finally able to get through. We're still not getting much reliable information down here – what's the situation looking like?"

"Complicated and difficult, but it all boils down to the Reapers kicking everyone's ass. They're attacking Palaven, starting to poke at Tuchanka, and a dozen lesser systems have simply dropped off the map. There is one bright spot though – we may have a weapon."

Anderson frowned deeply. "A _weapon_?"

Hackett nodded, his hands clasping behind his back. "A gift from the Protheans, and possibly those that came before. Dr. T'Soni discovered the schematics in the Mars Archives mere weeks before the attack; a lucky break if there ever was one. Honestly, long-term it may be the only real hope we have, so I'm focusing virtually all our resources on deciphering the schematics and getting it built."

"Steven, do you really think – "

"Yes. I know it may look like desperation, but I'm starting to believe it can work. The greatest scientific and engineering minds are already flocking here – the ones that are still alive anyway – and so far they agree. In fact, they are translating the schematics faster than we can find the resources to construct it – that's our biggest problem right now, getting materials here to build the damn thing without the Reapers or Cerberus noticing."

Anderson shook his head ruefully. "Then I hope you're right; if we can really use this weapon against them, that would be…well that would be _damn_ nice." He was quiet for a moment. "Have you been able to reach Grissom Academy by chance?"

Hackett smiled in understanding. "I checked earlier today; they're fine. _She's_ fine. There's no reason to think the Reapers will target them anytime soon – it's much too small a target."

"It's not the Reapers I'm worried about – it's the Illusive Man. Cerberus goons are suddenly running rampant all over the galaxy and given his history with Grissom, with Kahlee…"

"If I could spare any troops to protect her, David, you know I would."

"I know, Steven. And I'm not asking you to. Thank you for checking on her for me."

"Of course. I'll keep checking, so try not to worry. Right now you need to focus on keeping yourself alive."

Anderson pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. "I'd love to, but you know I can't do that. I stayed behind because these people need someone to lead them. I'll be the first to admit I'm not a _great_ leader, but I'm all they've got, so that's what I'll do."

"And that's why you _are_ a great leader, David."

Anderson huffed a laugh. "Maybe…"

Hackett watched him for a moment. Even through the low-res pixilation, flickering in and out as the connection hitched, he could tell that Anderson was exhausted. It had been some years since he had been groundside, under siege and on the run, but he would never forget what it felt like and had nothing but empathy for the man. "What's the world look like for you?"

Anderson glanced around at some unseen activity behind him. "I've managed to cobble together about three dozen people so far. Many of them are military or law enforcement, but some of them are farmers, businessmen…they've never shot a gun in their lives. But they've lost everything and they want to fight, so I'm trying to give them that chance."

"I understand. What about Command? Have you been able to contact any of the military headquarters? We're having a tough time reaching them from here."

He nodded. "We have periodic connections with Beijing, Sydney, and London so far. They're all under attack, but some structure remains and they're fighting back."

"And Vancouver?"

Anderson pursed his lips. "Military structure there is in shambles, to the extent it exists at all. The city itself, well, last reports we got was that the Reaper onslaught slowed after a few hours. Guess the Reapers figured once they had wiped out Alliance HQ they could move on to other targets. They did chase survivors well into the wilderness…god, we were on the run for what felt like days… Anyway, to answer your question, no viable Command presence is left in Vancouver."

"What about New York?"

He shook his head slowly. "Once. It didn't sound good."

Hackett sighed deeply. "Not surprising, I suppose. Alright…I'll let you get back to it; we'll talk again in a few days. Keep fighting, David. You're not alone down there, know that."

Anderson smiled. "I do. Take care, Steven."

* * *

><p><em><span>Tuesday, 16:70 GST<span>_

Shepard picked up the N7-edition Valiant sniper rifle and stroked it admiringly. "You got this stocked while we were at the Citadel?"

Steve Cortez looked up from cleaning a shotgun and nodded. "Yes, ma'am. As soon as your reinstatement became official I received authorization to acquire all necessary N7 gear on your behalf."

She grinned, turning the rifle over lovingly in her palms. "This is awesome, Cortez. I – " She glanced over at him, her expression growing serious. "Thank you. I was a bit…preoccupied…while we were at the Citadel. I appreciate you taking care of all this."

"No problem, ma'am. Just doing my job."

She finally set the Valiant back in the rack and picked up the N7 Hurricane from the next row. "We've been running so hard I haven't had a chance to get fully up to speed on everything. You maintain the Normandy's armory all by yourself?"

He sat the shotgun down and turned around, resting lightly against the table. "Well, technically I share that duty with Mr. Vega – " His voice raised to a low shout. " – but it seems the only weapon he cares about maintaining is _himself_!"

Vega didn't even glance over his shoulder, pulling his chin above the horizontal bar yet again. "You know you love the show, Esteban!"

Cortez shook his head exaggeratedly. "You just keep telling yourself that, James, I know it helps you sleep at night."

She watched them, her head moving back and forth between the two as the exchange continued. A bemused grin slowly pulled at her lips. She leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. "Is there something I should know?"

Cortez turned his attention to her. "We were stationed – "

"Esteban here had the good fortune of doing a stint on Fell Prime same time my squad was stationed there – and thus, had the good fortune of meeting _me_."

She glanced over at Cortez, an eyebrow raised. He shrugged. "That about covers it. We caught back up with each other on Earth a few months ago after I was assigned to the Normandy retrofit project." He watched Vega for a moment, then looked back at her, his voice low. "It may not be my place, Commander, but…he's a good man. Lot more there than meets the eye. He had a hard time…well, I shouldn't say any more. I'm sure he'll tell you when he's ready. Anyway, he was a good friend to me when I was in a bad place, though I'm sure he'd never admit it."

Her head tilted slightly as she studied Cortez. "A bad place? Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked down and fiddled with the shotgun. "I lost my husband Robert to a Collector attack on Ferris Fields. It was…"

She smiled sadly at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop them sooner, Steve."

He shook his head. "You got 'em in the end, saved a whole bunch of people, ma'am. That's what matters. Anyway, James had met Robert, he knew the score. When we met back up on Earth he tried his damnedest to get me back out in the world. I wasn't ready then, but it helped that he tried."

"Are you ready now?"

He glanced down the shuttle bay. "I don't think so. It's easier to just work, and there's plenty of work to be done."

She waited until he looked back at her. "There's more to life than work, Steve, even – especially – in times like these."

"Not for me, ma'am."

She sighed and cut her eyes over to James. "Alright, I understand and I won't push. But maybe it's time for you to find a life again. Just think about it."

James dropped from the bar and toweled off his neck as he walked over to them. "Okay Esteban, what the hell is it you want so bad for me to do?"

Cortez crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the table. "I _want_ you to stop crashing the Commander's shuttles – but if I can't get that, at least you can replace the support struts on the shuttle's landing gear, it was a bumpy set-down last mission."

James cracked his neck. "I'm a marine, not a mechanic…"

"Then why don't you _marine_ yourself over to the shuttle and put those muscles you work so hard on to good use?"

James rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. "_Fine._ But you're buying me a beer next time we're on the Citadel." He eyed the shuttle suspiciously. "Maybe two."

Shepard laughed and turned to go. "Steve here is a smart guy – James, stop crashing my shuttles. And you should probably buy _him_ the beer."

* * *

><p><em><span>Wednesday, 10:10 GST<span>_

In the end, which is to say the beginning, it wasn't genes or biotics or years of combat training that saved Miranda Lawson's life. Eventually it was all of those things, of course. But mostly what saved her life was a lucky reflection in a storefront window.

She strode purposefully down the busy sidewalk in downtown Milgrom, Bekenstein's capital and financial center. Glancing up at the glass skyscrapers, she mused that it really _was_ well on its way to becoming "the humans' Illium", in more ways than one. Glitz, glamour, extravagance – it had them all in spades. None of which would save it from the Reapers when they came; but for now, the war had not yet scratched its glittering surface.

On Bekenstein anything could be bought and anything could be sold – for the right price. The right price usually came in the form of credits of course, but not always. Sometimes the right price was information. Miranda didn't have credits – but she _did_ have information.

Cerberus had deep ties within both Bekenstein's criminal and ostensibly law-abiding elite, but they weren't the only game in town. The most ambitious and deadly crime kingpins in human-dominated space played a sophisticated game of chess across the galaxy, and the center of the chess board wasn't on Earth, where bureaucracy and old money dominated even criminal society. It was in Milgrom, where the right scheme and the wits to execute it could win or lose you everything. So it was here that she would meet a particularly well-connected and ruthless "businessman", would share vital information about Cerberus – information that less than five people in the galaxy possessed – and would receive in return vital information on her father and what the _bloody hell_ he was up to with the Illusive Man.

She crisply turned the corner. The next block was dominated by a women's high-fashion clothing store, the first floor windows displaying the latest in couture designs. The corner of her mouth twitched. Most days she barely noticed the alarming lack of funds in her account, but every now and then…a striking black pantsuit in the window caught her eye and her pace slowed just slightly as she gazed at it appreciatively. The glass reflected her own image back at her, framed by the crowd behind her. As she passed the window she took a last glance back at the pantsuit –

– and saw five meters behind her the reflection of a face from her memory. _Cerberus._

She kept walking, not altering her pace or otherwise changing her behavior in any way, as she mentally ran through images from Cerberus files…_there_. Jeremy Holden, Wetwork Division. Assassin.

Her eyes surveyed the area ahead of her, looking for the opportunity she needed. A block and a half later she abruptly turned right into an alleyway. It opened up into a loading dock, the back entrances of expensive stores lining plain gray walls. She flattened herself against the left wall and waited.

Twenty seconds later the barrel of a silenced handgun slowly emerged from the alley. In the space of a breath she grabbed the barrel with her gloved right hand and spun into the alley, leading with her left elbow. The impact broke his nose and stunned him momentarily – and a moment was all she needed. Pulling her left arm back and raising it, palm up, the assassin lifted helplessly off the ground, high into the air. Her wrist flicked, her palm turned downward, and he _slammed_ to the ground, dead instantly from a broken neck. She tossed the gun onto his chest and walked quickly back down the alley, exiting onto the street and blending into the crowd.

The image of the Illusive Man's self-satisfied smirk the last time she had seen him invaded her thoughts. She sighed in annoyance. "Why do you insist on continuing to insult me by sending a single assassin at a time? If you really want me dead you're going to have to send three at a minimum. And you _know_ that."

As she growled at thin air, a young man passing her stared at her strangely. She shot him a withering glare, and he scurried off.

She lowered her voice a notch. "You fucking bastard, are you doing it _just_ to insult me? If that's the case, feel free to carry on – I'm not interested in playing your games."

No, she was interested in one thing and one thing only – finding her sister. She picked up her pace. She had an appointment to keep.

* * *

><p><em><span>Wednesday, 18:45 GST<span>_

Shepard stormed off the shuttle and straight up to the War Room. Primarch Victus stood pouring over a data readout at the command center; he looked up as she entered. "Impressive work on Tuchanka. I'm grateful that – "

She came to a stop inches from him, her eyes flaring. "Why didn't you tell me about the bomb? Why hide it? What else are you keeping from me?"

His expression clamped down and he turned back to the data readout. "I have nothing for you, Commander."

"Like hell you don't. I chose to trust you because Garrus said you were trustworthy. He _couldn't_ have been wrong about that, _could_ he?"

His head dropped fractionally. "Commander, decisions like this weigh heavily on me. When I was a General – "

"When you were a General you made decisions for the good of your men and the mission – not to cover some politician's ass. I'd have thought it would take longer than a week for you to forget that, _Primarch_."

He shook his head in frustration. "It's not as simple as that; if the Krogan found out about the bomb there would be war – "

She leaned over the circular table and looked up at him, forcing him to meet her eyes, then drug them with her as she straightened back up. Though Turians were taller than humans and he had quite a few centimeters on her, she suddenly seemed to tower over him somehow.

"I _know_ that. I'm not talking about telling the Krogan. I'm talking about telling _me_. Believe it or not, I don't give a damn that the Turians hid a bomb on Tuchanka thirteen hundred years ago. Wasn't your decision. Water, bridge. What I _do_ care about is that now, Cerberus has dug it up and plans to detonate it, thereby destroying both several hundred thousand Krogan and any chance we have at an alliance. The fact that I had to extract all that information from your _son_ in the middle of a goddamn war zone does not make me happy. But I can't worry about that, because now I have a bomb to diffuse and, thanks to you, precious little time to do it in."

His shoulders sagged. "I am sorry, Commander. You are of course correct. The transition from soldier to politician is not an easy one for me…but I realize that in this, our darkest hour, there is no room for mistakes."

She sighed, the flush of anger deflated by his open display of weakness. "Don't lie to me again, Primarch. Don't keep things from me that I_ need to know_. You won't find a more faithful ally than me – you also won't find a more dangerous enemy. You _have_ to trust me."

He nodded. "I understand, Commander. You have my apologies."

"Thank you, Primarch. Now if you'll excuse me, your son and I have a bomb to diffuse."

* * *

><p><em><span>Thursday, 09:85 GST<span>_

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy frowned, though no one could see it behind the mask. But her people had of necessity become quite good at reading body language and Admiral Zaal'Koris turned to her, his hands clasped calmly behind his back.

"If you wish to offer an opinion, Tali'Zorah, it would be most welcome."

She glanced at him quickly. He was out on a limb, alone in his resistance, and he could probably use her help. Such help as it was, anyway. They called her an Admiral…but it was show, pomp, a formality with none of the weight or the power that by all rights should come with the title.

One part of her brain whispered that she didn't deserve it, hadn't earned it, was out of her depth at this table with the most powerful people in the Migrant Fleet, should just stand meekly and keep quiet because she couldn't possibly offer anything of value. The other part of her brain screamed that she _did_ deserve to be at this table, that she had fought while they had deliberated, that she had saved the Flotilla while they had passed judgment, that she had helped to defeat the Collectors while they had squabbled, that she had helped to defeat a Reaper and now _all_ the Reapers were here.

Twice around the galaxy with Shepard had given her strength beyond her years. She stepped forward. "Thank you, Admiral Koris. I do. My father instilled in me a great love and yearning for our homeworld; no one wants to reclaim it more than I. But now is _not_ the time to go to war with the Geth! The Reapers are here, just as Shepard warned us all they would be, and we have a duty to help defend the galaxy, to defend our people."

"Which we can do far better from the soil of Rannoch!" Admiral Han'Gerrel's fist slammed down onto the table emphatically. "With Xen's new jamming technology we can cut a swath through the Geth and take back Rannoch long before the Reapers turn their attention to us. We can – "

Koris interrupted him, though his voice remained even. "Rannoch will be a hollow victory if we all die there from the Reapers. Tali'Zorah is right – we need to strengthen our forces, not deplete them by foolishly throwing them at the Geth."

Admiral Xen stared at him, her chin raised in disdain. "Don't try to hide behind the threat of the Reapers, Koris. Your motivations are no mystery to anyone at this table – your love of the Geth is the reason you do not want to attack, not the Reapers. But the fact is that for the first time, thanks to my research, we have the capability to defeat the Geth and reclaim what is ours. It is now or never, and I vote now."

"As do I." Gerrel leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest.

The remaining two Admirals stepped forward and silently nodded their assent. She watched Koris' shoulders sag in defeat. "Very well. The Admiralty Board's decision is the final word on such matters. I will direct the Civilian Fleet according to your orders, but I request that you keep them out of harm's way to the greatest extent possible."

Tali swallowed hard. These illustrious Admirals, considered the wisest, smartest and most experienced military minds in the Fleet, were surely going to get them all killed. She sighed then looked across the table. "I also respect the decision of the Admiralty Board. Let me know how I can be of assistance in saving our people."

Gerrel was surely smiling behind his mask. "Excellent. We launch the attack in two days' time."

* * *

><p><em><span>Thursday, 15:15 GST<span>_

"_Victory, at any cost."_

Shepard pushed aside several datapads and hopped up on the worktable, her legs swinging freely in the air. She watched Garrus as he worked, crouched low to the floor, hands twisting inside the gun assembly. "Must all Turians die so dramatically?"

He chuckled, but it quickly turned into a grunt of exertion as he wrenched a panel loose. "Only when they can, Shepard. Only when they can."

The panel came off with a sudden force and he fell back on his ass. He sighed, sat the panel down next to him, pulled his knees towards his chest and looked up at her. "Victus was a flawed man, and may not have been ready for command. He made mistakes – though no amount of experience can prevent that. But he will be remembered and honored for his sacrifice. The important thing is, when it counted, he did what he had to do."

She nodded slowly. "And that's what matters, for every one of us. That's the difference between winning and losing. A single decision by a single person, thousands of times over, to choose duty over themselves."

She pulled her legs up and crossed them under her on the table. "The trouble is, you never know until the moment comes. The choice of dozens, hundreds, thousands of lives over a single life looks obvious from the outside, but…one's own selfish desire to live has got to be the most powerful force in the universe. It's really quite a nasty pickle this profession of ours puts us in. So you can never know if someone will be able to pull the trigger, so to speak…you never know if you'll be able to take the leap until you stand at the precipice."

He regarded her quietly for a moment, silently noting the change in pronoun. "I know _you'll_ do it, Shepard. Whatever 'it' turns out to be. You've never hesitated to take that leap."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Oh, I hesitate all the time, Garrus – I just happen to think things through _really_ fast."

"Right…"

She laughed. "Also, a stubborn refusal to die – or stay dead, as the case may be – comes in handy." She looked over at him and smiled affectionately. "For what it's worth, Garrus, I know you will too."

He nodded. "Excellent. _Just_ so I'm clear then…as long as it's you, me, and the magic button that will kill the Reapers, we're good."

She nodded emphatically. "Yup."

"Unless of course you're passed-out drunk and I have to carry you – "

He quickly ducked as a datapad zoomed over his head.

* * *

><p><em><span>Thursday, 17:25 GST<span>_

Jack grumbled to herself. "No, Rodriguez! How many times have I _told_ you not to use _shockwave_ on shielded enemies…" She threw the datapad containing her students' latest exams on her desk and glared at the ceiling.

She could still remember when she learned that particular lesson, and it damn sure wasn't on any test. She had been on her second ship after escaping Teltin, full of the worst sort of mercs. She had shot her mouth off one night and they hadn't taken kindly to the insults. Three of them came after her in a nice arc, perfect for _shockwave_ – or so she thought. Should've kept her mouth shut until after they were out of their armor…

She didn't want what had followed to ever happen to shy, insecure Rodriguez – not if she could help it. _God how times have changed…_she laughed softly and gazed around her room. Datapads were stacked neatly on the table; miniature ships were lined up on the shelves; the bedcovers were smooth and neatly made; two energy drink containers sat in the garbage can. Several sets of outfits hung in a line in the closet; in the back corner of the shelf above the clothes sat a fuzzy brown teddy bear wearing a blue jersey that she had unaccountably bought on Illium after they had blown up the Collectors. The only item in the room that was the slightest bit out of order was Joker's SR-2 cap she had swiped when she left the Normandy – it hung askance off the bedside lamp.

She'd never had _things_ before. Hell, up until Kahlee insisted on taking her shopping a few months ago, she'd never had more than two pieces of clothes at the same time. She grinned. She _loved_ having things…each of which had their place. A place she knew they would still be in every time she returned _home_.

Her comm buzzed, jolting her out of the reverie. "Jack, can you swing by my office when you get a chance? I'd stop by, but I know you like your privacy."

She glanced again around her room – _her _room, how goddamn cool was that – as she stood up. "Sure, Kahlee, I'll be there in a sec."

A few minutes later Jack flopped down in the chair and leaned back, kicking her feet up on the edge of the desk. "Whatcha got?"

Kahlee sighed ruefully. She didn't ask Jack to put her feet down; it wouldn't do any good and would probably be counterproductive. "We may not have much time left. Do you think they're ready?"

Jack shook her head slowly. "No. They're getting better at this shit – a lot better – but combat biotics take years to learn, and that's only if you're good. Don't get me wrong, most of them aren't bad and a few are damn good, but… No. I need more time with them."

"I'm afraid you may not have more time. You've seen the news reports – "

"Yeah, yeah, the Reapers are here, I know – it may be a big fucking surprise to you and the rest of the galaxy, but it's not to me."

Kahlee leaned forward on the desk. "It's not a surprise to me either, Jack. I've seen their influence firsthand; I've known they were coming, just like you."

Jack rolled her eyes. "Fine, welcome to the club then. What are we going to do about it?"

Kahlee sighed and rubbed her temples wearily. She hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, her brain refusing to stop worrying about David. Admiral Hackett had said he was alive, but that had been two days ago… "For the moment, keep with the training regimen. But we're going to need to start thinking about getting them into the war effort. If they can help, we owe it to everyone out there to give them the chance."

Jack's feet came off the desk and hit the floor hard. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees. "Dammit, I'm not going to let them get hurt! They're my students, my responsibility – _mine_ – and it's _my_ job to protect them."

Kahlee smiled. Underneath the tattoos and the foul mouth really did reside a heart of gold. Probably best not to point it out, though. "I know; they're my responsibility too, Jack. But the truth is, neither of us will be able to protect them from the Reapers."

Jack snorted. "Says you." She stood up. "We done? Cause it seems I need to go work up a new, _accelerated_ lesson plan for tomorrow."

After Jack had gone Kahlee opened her terminal, checking her messages for the hundredth time today. War, battle, death, destruction. But still nothing from him. She closed her eyes for a moment then turned back to her work, pulling up the school's security plan again. She couldn't conjure up more men for the security detail, but she could at least strengthen the lock-down encryption protocols.

_David, please be okay…_

* * *

><p><em><span>Thursday, 18:20 GST<span>_

Shepard grabbed an energy bar from the kitchen cabinet and headed towards the elevator.

"Shepard?"

She turned to find Liara in the doorway to her quarters, a hand leaning against the open door.

"Do you happen to have a few minutes?"

She smiled. "Sure." She walked into Liara's quarters, then slowed as Liara went all the way to the back of the room and sat down on the edge of her bed, patting the space beside her.

"Come sit with me?"

Shepard blinked but otherwise showed no reaction. She plopped onto the edge of the bed and crossed her legs underneath her. "What's going on?"

Liara studied the bedcover. "I just wanted to see how you were doing…I know it's been a difficult couple of days."

She shrugged, frowning. "It definitely wasn't fun watching the Primarch's son sacrifice himself to keep that bomb from going off…unfortunately, it wasn't the first time I've had to watch such a thing and it won't be the last. The harsh reality of war."

Liara tilted her head and gazed at Shepard. "Like Ashley?"

She sighed. "Like Ashley. Not _only_ Ashley…but yeah, Ashley above all."

Liara bit her lower lip. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to reopen old wounds."

She smiled tiredly. "It's okay, you didn't…it was already alive and kicking all on its own."

Liara nodded. "Anyway, I didn't just mean the war. I know the last few days haven't been easy…personally, and I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you need a friend."

Shepard stared off in the distance, her thoughts lingering on Ashley, Victus and the tragedy of good people having to die in order to stop bad ones. She absently patted Liara's leg. "I know, Liara. I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

Liara stared at Shepard's hand as it touched her, then left her leg and rested on the bed between them. _You have to do this, Liara. There won't be a better chance. You owe it to yourself to try._ "More than just a friend…?"

Shepard's gaze swung over to Liara, her brow furrowed. She found Liara's eyes meeting hers with a hopeful gleam, an almost seductive look in them. _Have I been so preoccupied that I missed the signs _again_? I'm better than this – I have to be better than this. _

She took a deep breath. "Liara…no…you _know_ that."

Liara flinched and stood up rapidly, pacing the room in agitation. Her voice was strained and slightly high-pitched. "Because of Kaidan? He doesn't deserve you, Shepard! He's being cruel to you, torturing you, and for what? He should be here with you, he should have always been here with you, but he wasn't and he isn't."

"Liara, that's not – "

"It breaks my heart to see you in pain because of him – you deserve better. I don't know if I'm better or if I deserve you, but you at least know that I will always be here for you; I've always _been_ here for you…"

She pulled her knees to her chest and watched Liara sadly. Her voice was soft. "I know you have. I couldn't ask for a truer friend than you, and I value that friendship _so_ _much_. I always will. But…" She smiled wistfully. "But I can't change what I feel. I'm sorry, Liara. I can't."

Liara wrenched away from her gaze. "But you shouldn't have to be alone."

She shrugged. "I'm not alone – I have some of my very dearest friends here with me, fighting alongside me and watching my back."

Liara spun back, her expression hardened slightly. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

She rolled her eyes. "I know…it's okay, really. I've been alone before – rather a lot, actually. I'm used to it."

"But you'll take him back if he returns."

Her forehead wrinkled slightly in confusion. "Of course."

Liara frowned, her eyes narrowed. "_Why?_ He's already shown that he'll leave if he feels the need."

She slowly smiled. "Kaidan makes his own decisions; about what he believes is right, and wrong; about what, and who, is worth following, worth trusting. And yes, he will always make those decisions for himself. I forgot that once, to my detriment."

Liara resumed pacing, but it was slower and more deliberate, her hands clasped loosely behind her back. She finally stopped and turned to Shepard, still wearing the frown. "And…that's why you love him…because he doesn't follow you around like a lapdog no matter what…?"

She thought about it a moment. "That's not the main reason, but…yes. It's _a_ reason."

Liara stared at her…and suddenly looked remarkably like her mother. Older than her years, world-wise, shrewd and a bit jaded. _Interesting._

Liara's voice became calm and controlled. "Are you saying I'm a lapdog to you?"

_Dammit, I really am off my game…_ She sighed. "No, Liara. I'm _grateful_ that you've always supported me, I – "

"Supported you? Shepard, I'm the reason you're alive."

_Okay then. New game._ Her chin lifted a notch and she met Liara's eyes; her voice became calm and controlled. "You are. Do you believe you deserve to _have_ me because of that?"

Liara turned away towards the monitors and was quiet for a moment. She resumed pacing slowly. "Sometimes. I see you with others – with Kaidan, even with Garrus, with all those you hold dear. I see you giving something of yourself to them, and I can't help but think that you wouldn't even be there with them were it not for me, and so shouldn't that part of you be mine instead."

She came to a rest and looked back at Shepard. "But I know that's not right of me. I can't and shouldn't lay claim to any other individual, and certainly not to you."

Shepard didn't know for certain if Liara was aware of the nerve she had touched, of the extent to which Shepard had lived her life with one core conviction above all others. She forced her jaw to unclench but did not force the ice from her eyes. "Liara, no one has – no one will – _ever_ own me. Understand that I will forever be thankful to you for your role in bringing me back from a frozen grave, but my life is _my own_."

Liara smiled sadly. "I know, Shepard." She paused, chuckling quietly to herself. "I'm one of the most powerful people in the galaxy now. I can topple leaders with a whisper, alter government policies with a suggestion; I can make or destroy enterprises, colonies with a grant of my favor or an expression of disapproval. Did you know I can do all those things, Shepard?"

Shepard stared at her unblinking. "Yes. I did."

Liara nodded. "Good. It's always been important to me that I impress you. But having that kind of power…it's dangerous. You warned me of that when we killed the previous Shadow Broker, and you weren't wrong. From time to time I start to think that I can have anything in the world I want."

She sighed, and her voice took on a wistful, resigned tenor. "However, if that were true, the Reapers wouldn't be raining down their destruction on the galaxy, my mother would still be alive, and…and you would love me. But none of those things are true, and even with all my power there's nothing I can do to make them so."

She was quiet for a long moment, then looked back up at Shepard. "Okay. I'm not the naïve child I was when we first met, far from it – but I suspect you know that too. I understand what you said, and I accept it. Please believe me when I say that what I want most in the world – along with to defeat the Reapers, live to be a thousand and speak to a living Prothean – is for you to be happy, Shepard. I want that even if it's not because of me."

She came over and clasped Shepard's hands in hers. "I won't bring this up again. I only ask that you not let this damage our friendship, not now. I need you, Shepard, if only as a friend…to keep me sane, to keep me grounded in reality, to keep me believing there is goodness in the universe and that we can save it from the darkness."

Shepard gazed at Liara for what seemed an eternity, and Liara couldn't help but feel as though those strange, beautiful lavender eyes were seeing right through to her soul.

At last Shepard stood up and squeezed Liara's hands in return. "Of course. You see, I need you as well – to help me save the galaxy, because you are one _hellaciously_ scary Shadow Broker, and to be my friend, because you are the only person in the galaxy who's as cool as I am." She grinned briefly, but it quickly faded into a serious, thoughtful expression that only hinted at all that lay behind it. "I think perhaps we finally understand one another, Liara T'Soni."

* * *

><p><em><span>Friday, 10:00 GST<span>_

Donnel Udina quickly locked the door to his office then answered the incoming call. A miniature hologram flickered to life on his desk, and a jacketed back greeted him.

The Illusive Man casually turned. "Udina."

Udina twitched. The man could at least have the courtesy to use his title; he was arguably the most important human in the galaxy and had earned proper respect. But for now he needed the Illusive Man, so he tolerated his arrogance.

"Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. My preparations here are nearly complete. Name the day and I'll have everything ready."

The Illusive Man took a slow drag on his ever-present cigarette, and Udina made an effort not to turn up his nose in disgust. The fact that cancer was no longer an issue made it no less disgusting a habit.

"Three days from now. You will receive a message when the attack has begun."

Udina frowned. "Directly? Over an unsecured channel? Surely – "

"It will contain a single word. Eva."

"Eva? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. It is simply a name, and it will be your signal to make your move. I trust you will be able to get all the Councilors together in the same place?"

"Of course, it is simply a matter of – "

"Spare me the details. Just make sure they are together, transmit your location to the address from which you received the initial message, and my men will take care of the rest."

"It will happen."

"It had better. This is a complex operation we are undertaking; I am devoting a significant number of resources to making sure it succeeds. But your role in the plan is a vital one." He took a sip of whiskey. "We pull this off, _Councilor_, and you will be the most powerful man in the galaxy."

Udina couldn't repress a self-satisfied smile. "With your help, we will both get what we want."

"Yes, we will. If there is nothing else…?"

Udina cleared his throat uncomfortably. "There is one thing…I'm sure it's nothing, it won't be a problem…"

"If it may be a problem, best you share it with me now."

He nodded. "It's possible that Councilor Valern is getting suspicious. He doesn't know that I know, but yesterday he authorized the Executor to open an investigation into my recent bank account transfers."

The Illusive Man sighed and focused his electric eyes on Udina. "I _warned_ you not to get sloppy. Very well. Do nothing for now. Once the attack has started, make sure that Valern is separated from you and the other Councilors. I'll have someone take care of it."

"But – "

"Do _not_ let him know you are aware of his suspicions, Udina. It is vital that he not be alerted to anything out of the ordinary."

"Of course."

"Good. We won't speak again before the attack – and when we do speak again, you will be the one and only living Citadel Councilor." The link went dead.

Udina leaned back in his chair, his fingertips tapping against one another in his lap. A smile emerged on his face. _The one and only living Citadel Councilor…_ It would be a good start.

* * *

><p><em><span>Friday, 12:10 GST<span>_

"I understand, Mordin. It's just that all the supplies are organized in an efficient manner. In an emergency, I need to be able to get to them quickly, which means knowing where they are."

Mordin puttered quickly around the Med Lab. "Yes, yes, quite logical. Will put everything back when done."

"I'm sure you will, but we may have an emergency _before_ you are done…it's fine, just let me put them back real quick." Chakwas moved towards the wall of cabinets.

"No, no, will need that. Important – "

Shepard cleared her throat from the doorway. "Doctor Chakwas, why don't you join me for lunch in the mess? I'll help you put things up later this evening."

Chakwas looked over at her and silently rolled her eyes. "Of course, Commander. I'd love to dine with you."

They sat down opposite one another at the table, and Shepard smiled apologetically. "I'm _so_ sorry, Karin. I know Mordin's in your way and in your space and in your stuff and I really, _really_ appreciate you tolerating it. It should only be for another day or two, and I'll try very hard not to get myself or my team shot up terribly bad between now and then."

Karin Chakwas chuckled in resignation. "I know, Shepard. It's fine. No, it's more than fine. It's important work he's doing; I don't begrudge him it in the slightest. It's just…" Her voice trailed off and she took a bite of vegetables. "It's just, he's so damn…spastic!"

Shepard fell back in her chair laughing. "That he most certainly is." She slowly caught her breath then smiled affectionately across the table. "I know you need order, control. It's what makes you so amazingly damn good at saving our lives. I promise I'll get it back for you as soon as I possibly can."

Chakwas smiled knowingly at Shepard. "All the more so because that will mean the Krogan have their cure, the Turians have the Krogan and you have the Turians. It's an intricate dance you perform, Shepard, but nobody does it better than you."

She idly twirled her fork on her plate. "Well, I always did love to dance."

* * *

><p><em><span>Friday, 14:05 GST<span>_

Kaidan stepped out of his hospital room with a measure of relief. He was walking, talking and breathing and his brain wasn't leaking out of his ears. It was a good sign. The doctors still didn't seem entirely convinced that it wouldn't start leaking out at any given moment, so he wasn't allowed out the hospital doors just yet. He settled for briskly walking the length of the hospital twice – which did nothing to calm the raging arguments going on in his head but at least slightly tested the already-atrophying muscles in his body – before taking a break in the lounge area.

It was rather crowded, not surprising given the wholesale slaughter of the Reapers. He sat down on a couch by the window; relaxing back and watching the busy traffic zoom by under the artificial blue sky. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a Drell sitting on the couch to his left, reading from his Omni-tool. Interesting; he had only had the occasion to meet a Drell twice, maybe three times before. But the man seemed absorbed in his reading, so Kaidan let him be and returned to watching the view, just him and his swirling thoughts – about the war, about his missing parents, but mostly about her.

After a few minutes the Drell ceased his reading and leaned back, gazing out the window. Kaidan glanced over at him. "Interesting read?"

"I have read it many times, but it never fails to give me peace when I do so." He reached over and extended a hand. "Thane Krios."

Kaidan accepted the handshake. "Kaidan Alenko. A pleasure to meet you."

Thane smiled mysteriously. "Indeed."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow but let it pass. "So are you here visiting a patient?"

Thane shook his head gently. "No. I must come here for daily breathing treatments to ease my – I suffer from the late stages of a disease all too common among my people. The treatments are…not pleasant, and increasingly a part of my life."

Kaidan dipped his head. "I'm sorry."

"I am not. They grant me another day to live, another day to see my son. But that is enough of my sorrows. What brings you here?"

Kaidan sighed and leaned back a little into the couch. "I had my skull smashed around on Mars…seems I will recover, but they won't let me out of here just yet."

"Well, I am glad to hear it." Thane gazed over at him quietly for a moment. "You are a friend of Commander Shepard, yes?"

Kaidan pulled back in surprise, instinctively reaching for his biotics before remembering that the doctors would not yet return his amp to him. He settled for frowning darkly. "How do you _know_ that?"

"Forgive me, I did not mean to alarm you. I ran into her shortly after you were first brought in. She was quite…concerned…about you."

Kaidan huffed a breath and stared at the floor for a moment before looking back over. "How do you know her?"

Thane gazed out the window. "I helped her in her fight against the Collectors."

Kaidan stared at him intently. "Did you now?"

Thane nodded and turned back to him. "It was an opportunity I did not deserve, but one I am grateful to have been given."

Kaidan watched him for another moment, then slowly relaxed back into the couch.

"Tell me about it."

Thane smiled ever-so-slightly. "Very well. I was alone and I was dying, a slow death each day. I took a contract on Illium – "

"A contract?"

"Yes. I might have neglected to mention, I made my living as an assassin."

Kaidan's eyebrows raised in disbelief. "If you know who I am then you know what I do, yet you're just _telling_ me that?"

Thane shrugged. "If I were arrested now it would make little difference to my life…however, it is my hope that you will trust that Shepard trusts me and not do so, at least not just yet."

Kaidan rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a moment, then sighed. "We all have bigger things to worry about now…please, continue."

Thane nodded in thanks. "I took a contract on Illium, and in truth I expected it to be my last. I went there to die. But it turned out that Shepard had other plans for me." He paused, and a smile that seemed wistful pulled at his lips. "I spent less than two months with her, yet she changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined possible. She gave me purpose, a cause, one worth dying for; but she also gave me a cause worth living for. She gave me a chance to atone for some measure of the wrong I have done in my life. She gave me back my son, the most precious thing in my life, whom I had thought lost to me forever."

Kaidan's posture was relaxed, but his eyes were laser-focused on the man sitting across from him. "Those are strong words."

"I have stronger. She redeemed my life, and eventually my soul. I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay, though so long as I continue breathing I will attempt to do so."

Kaidan's lips pursed together tightly, his head cocked to the side. "Interesting. And what are you to _her_?"

Thane dipped his head in acknowledgment. "Merely a friend; hopefully a good one. On occasion, when the weight got a little too heavy, a confidante. Someone who had seen and lived such terrible nightmares that she could not frighten me by sharing hers."

Kaidan nodded slowly then dropped his chin into his palm. Eventually he gazed back across the couch, one eyebrow raised slightly. "Did she have this dramatic an effect on _every_ member of her team?"

Thane thought about it a moment. "Yes, though perhaps not to such an extent in every case. It was actually something I realized while we were fighting for our lives on the Collector Base, pinned-down and under siege."

He glanced out the window and smiled wryly. "You must understand – her team did not consist of proper, upstanding members of society. They were not honorable Alliance soldiers; I know she would have preferred it if they were, but those resources were not available to her. They were more likely to be damaged, lost souls who had long since departed the noble path. But by the end of the mission, they would all fight for her; more than that, they would all die for her."

Kaidan had seen her do it, seen her inspire loyalty and devotion beyond all reason and against all odds. The crew of the first Normandy would – did – follow her to hell and back. For him, though, it had always been about much more than professional loyalty. His devotion was – _had been or_ _was still?_ – to the person, the woman, before the Commander. He knew it should have been the other way around; he should have followed the Commander first. But the truth was, he had seen the woman behind the leader the first time they had met and had never again lost sight of her.

He shook his head roughly, pulling himself out of his thoughts, and looked back at Thane. Shepard would have been immediately drawn to him, of that he had no doubt – and he wouldn't have blamed her. He wondered what other secrets this unusual yet strangely charismatic man held.

"Why would they die for her?"

Thane gave him a bemused smile. "Perhaps I should start at the beginning…"

Kaidan was surprised when they were interrupted by a nurse coming to retrieve Thane for his next treatment. He glanced at the clock – an hour and a half had passed in the blink of an eye.

He stood and shook Thane's hand. "Thank you for talking with me. I've read the files, but I didn't know…a lot of that. I think maybe you have given me somewhat of a new perspective."

Thane raised an eyebrow. "On?"

He turned to gaze out the window. "Her, of course."

Thane smiled. "In that case I am glad we met one another. Perhaps we'll get the chance to talk again."

Kaidan nodded. "I look forward to it."

* * *

><p><em><span>Friday, 19:70 GST<span>_

Shepard was sitting on her couch, sipping a glass of wine and watching the fish swim about lazily. To an outside observer it might appear that she was doing nothing; such an observer would be mistaken. Her mind silently maneuvered through a labyrinth of thoughts, plans, strategies, decisions – far too few of them easy. She looked up when the door buzzed, and it was somewhat to her surprise when EDI walked in.

"Shepard, do you have a few minutes to speak with me?"

"Of course, EDI. Have a seat."

She came down the stairs and sat on the edge of the couch, back straight and hands clasped loosely in her lap. Shepard figured that counted for "relaxed" where EDI was concerned. "What's on your mind, EDI?"

"I have been thinking."

One side of Shepard's mouth curled up slightly. "Anything big and world-shaking? Man's inhumanity to man, does objective reality really exist, that kind of thing?"

"I have been thinking about Jeff."

_Okay then._ Shepard took a quick sip from her glass.

"I have been thinking about the purpose of life as well, as it is related to my thoughts regarding Jeff. Would you like to discuss that topic first?"

She bit her lower lip. "Um…yes. Let's do that."

EDI nodded. "Very well. Shepard, what is the purpose of synthetic life?"

Her eyes widened briefly as her lips pursed together. "Well, I suppose it's not that different from organic life. A free-willed synthetic can make its own choices about what gives it meaning and purpose."

EDI frowned. "But the purpose of organic life is to preserve itself long enough to replicate copies of its genes in succeeding generations. My purpose is not so clear."

She shook her head. "No, EDI. That may be our evolutionary imperative, but it's not an individual's purpose."

"I was not technically asking about the individual, Shepard, but rather about life, both synthetic and organic."

Shepard leaned forward, dropping her elbows to her knees. "But EDI, you can't understand the whole without understanding the individual. Yes, over millennia entire species rise and fall, and I'm sure there are patterns and overarching behaviors to be studied there. But what truly matters is each individual life. We each live, well, only _our_ life – so we must each find our own purpose, give our life its own meaning. During our lives we encounter other individuals, and they are all doing the same for _their_ lives."

EDI nodded. "I see. I am not networked as the Geth nor a synthetic-organic construct as the Reapers; I think of myself as an individual. Your logic is sound." She looked over at Shepard, head titled slightly. "If Jeff's purpose is _not_ to replicate copies of his genes in succeeding generations, do you think he would be romantically interested in me?"

Shepard almost choked on the wine. "Um…" But after thinking about it for a moment, she smiled. "Actually, yes. I do."

EDI smiled. "That is good. I believe it to be the case, but he has not stated it. Shepard, how do I provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment?"

She groaned and leaned back against the couch. "EDI, given my recent track record I'm not sure I'm the best person to be asking for relationship advice…"

"Very well. Is there another member of the crew who would be a better option to discuss this matter with?"

She thought about it a moment, frowning. "Not really, no. It's not that there's something wrong with our crew members or anything. It's simply that military life makes romance, relationships…_difficult_. Not impossible, but difficult. So I'm afraid you won't find too many success stories here."

"Then you are still my best option."

She sighed. "Okay. First, it's not about provoking him into a commitment. Just…be with him. If you both find that you get along and enjoy each other's company, it will happen naturally."

EDI frowned. "But Jeff and I have spent significant time together for 295 days now. How much longer do you believe it will take?"

She chuckled. "True, but you've only had a body for the last eight of those. Give him a little time to get used to the idea that it's a possibility."

EDI cocked her head slightly. "Shepard, are you saying that whether to engage in a romantic relationship will be…up to him?"

"It's up to both of you, but seeing as you appear to have made the decision to do so…then yes, it's up to him."

EDI frowned again. "Then the outcome is an unknown quantity…yet you are saying I should attempt it anyway?"

She smiled kindly. "Nobody ever fell in love without being a little bit brave."

EDI nodded decisively and stood up. "Very well, Shepard. I will devote some resources to attempting being brave."

After she had gone, Shepard sank back into the couch. She took a long sip from her glass and considered matters.

Could an AI _truly_ love? Love wasn't zeroes and ones, it was emotions and chemicals and hormones and…so much more that couldn't be defined or put into an equation. Though if it couldn't be defined, then there was really no reason to believe that AIs _couldn't_ experience it. She laughed to herself. Maybe it was as simple as toggling the "Love" setting to '1', which would make it considerably less complicated than organic love…

She had told EDI the truth, and not just about Joker. She had told Liara the truth. It was up to him. She had done everything she could, tried her best to make up for the past, and now it was simply out of her hands.

The stoic, removed, observant part of her brain oh-so-helpfully chimed in at the opportune moment – _you didn't fall to your knees and crawl to him and beg; you didn't tell him how you had gone catatonic at the sight of his broken body, how you had sobbed on the shower floor at the thought that he could be gone forever; you didn't tell him that you loved him more than anything in the world, that you needed him to give you strength and to make saving the galaxy worth it._

She shook her head roughly at the empty room. _Shut up. I'm not weak, I _never_ crawl and saving the galaxy is worth it without him, dammit._ The stoic, removed, observant part of her brain smiled indulgently. _Of course it is._

She sighed wearily and stood up to get ready for bed, mentally adding 'have a talk with Joker, and soon' to the List Of Things To Do When Not Fighting Reapers.

She was crawling under the covers when EDI came over the speaker. "Shepard, I see that you are still awake. Mordin would like to speak with you briefly if possible."

"Put him through, EDI."

There was a brief pause, then Mordin's voice piped up. "Sorry to disturb, Shepard, recognize it is late by ship time – "

"It's okay, Mordin, what do you need?"

"Thought you should know – I have it."

Her brow furrowed as she pulled the covers up closer. "Have what?"

"The cure."


	56. Sacrifice

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 56**

"**Sacrifice"**

* * *

><p>Shepard regarded the hologram speculatively. "You're asking me to sabotage the genophage cure?"<p>

"Of course that's what I'm asking you to do, Commander. I'm giving you one last opportunity to step back from this colossal mistake. The Krogan will not know of its failure for some time; your alliance will hold."

She casually furrowed her brow in seeming consternation. "And you expect Mordin to go along with this?"

"I expect you to persuade him. I have been led to understand that you are quite good at that sort of thing."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm. Interesting idea. But you know…" She looked up at the Dalatrass, a slight smirk pulling at her lips. "…I don't think so. I think we'll just go ahead with the cure instead."

"Then you can forget about Salarian support for your little project, Commander."

"Is that so?" Shepard raised an eyebrow as she tapped her Omni-tool; a Salarian voice filled the room.

"_Species 732, the Yahg, have been authorized for covert uplift. They are ideal candidates for expanding Salarian influence with full deniability. The risk is minimal. Species 408, the Varren, could provide a novel form of biological warfare. With enhanced size and intelligence, they could harass hostile civilian populations at minimal cost. Recommend project approval."_

She stared piercingly at the hologram. "The best engineers from STG will be at the Crucible Project within the week. Admiral Hackett will contact you regarding what additional resources he requires – I'm sure they will be substantial. And when it comes time to deploy the Crucible, the full might of the Salarian Fleet will be where I tell them to be, when I tell them to be there. If any of these things do not happen, I will play this recording for the Council. I don't think you _want_ me to play this recording for the Council, _do_ you, Dalatrass?"

The woman's eyes were narrowed tightly. "It may come as a surprise to you, Commander, but I want the Reapers defeated just as much as you do. We are not enemies."

Shepard's lips curled up in a predatory smile. "Glad to hear it – I'm sure I'll sleep better tonight. Do we have an understanding?"

The Dalatrass sniffed. "You will have whatever you require."

Shepard's eyes glittered in the light. "Thank you. I look forward to the Salarians' assistance in the war effort. Goodbye, Dalatrass."

... ... ...

The shuttle door opened to the claws of human Husks. The spray from James' shotgun disintegrated the initial wave at their feet. He quickly threw a frag grenade out the door; in seconds the path to the Hollows was clear.

Shepard nodded quickly to James in appreciation. "Everyone, go!" She turned to Wrex, placing a hand on his arm. "Don't go barging into the middle of the fight, Wrex. Stay back and _protect Eve_. She's what matters."

He grunted. "I know, Shepard."

She jumped down from the shuttle and ran into the entryway. The stairs below were flooded with human Husks ambling upward. Several of them were already aloft in Liara's _singularity_; others were falling from gunfire. She slid in next to Garrus, pulling out her rifle as she did so.

He didn't look up from his scope. "Looks like the Reapers dropped off a welcoming party just for us."

"I'll make sure and send them a thank you card when we get back to the Normandy." Her eyes scanned the stairs and the open platform below. "Alright everybody – clear the road!" She quickly _threw_ the Husks along the right wall down the stairs, not waiting to watch them barrel into those below like bowling balls before pulling up her rifle and firing.

One step at a time they edged down the stairs, pushing back the waves. At the bottom of the stairs the room opened into an enormous circular area. Husks scurried down the walls and continued to pour in from the other entrances.

"James, EDI – left flank! Liara, Garrus – right flank! Sweep them out!" She grinned in determination. "I claim the middle."

She pushed her palm outwards and _shockwaved_ the Husks in a wide arc in front of her then quickly threw a cluster grenade onto the raised platform. As soon as it exploded she ran to the middle of the platform, turning in a slow circle, waiting for any who slipped through the sweep. Few did; her people were _damn_ good.

"Shepard…" She looked quickly in Liara's direction. Through the far entrance that Liara and Garrus had cleared, a number of Krogan were filing in, covered in Husk gore.

"It's okay, Liara. We were expecting them." She turned to see Wrex, Eve and Mordin descending the stairs. She stood calmly in the center as the new entrants approached her.

Immediately upon hitting the platform one of the Krogan stormed forward. "What's a Salarian doing here? No one said anything about this!"

She stepped into his path and calmly stared him down, only the slightest hint of threat in her eyes. "_Mordin_ is not your enemy. He's here to help cure the genophage."

The Krogan snarled. "His kind created the genophage!"

... ... ...

"_We created the genophage; it is our responsibility to maintain it." STG Director Jarlon typed rapidly at his terminal, glancing periodically at Mordin across the desk. _

_Mordin's fingers twitched about his lips. "There is evidence Krogan are evolving beyond it?"_

_Jarlon nodded. "Birth rates have been increasing at 2.4% a year for the previous twelve years straight. All the data collected will be made available to you for further analysis should you accept the assignment."_

_Mordin abruptly stood up and paced the narrow length of the office. "Perhaps modification not required. Krogan have been cowed, beaten down. No longer a threat to galaxy. Would need to gather additional data, run simulations on effects of expanding Krogan population."_

"_The effects of an expanding Krogan population seem quite clear from where I sit, Dr. Solus. But gather your data; run your simulations if you feel it necessary. I will accept your conclusions – your intellectual capabilities are, shall we say…known."_

_Mordin nodded distractedly. "I will have the resources I need?"_

_Jarlon didn't look away from the terminal. "Of course, Doctor. Statisticians, biologists, geneticists, whatever experts you need. It is STG's responsibility to handle the Krogan problem quietly and discretely."_

_Mordin paced the room a final time then turned quickly to the Director. "Yes. Will do it. Will begin immediately."_

... ... ...

The long convoy of oversized industrial trucks used to get around Tuchanka lined the road. Shepard smiled wistfully to herself. She still missed the Mako…

She touched Mordin's arm as he passed her. "Mordin, I need to talk to you for a second."

He nodded quickly. "Of course, Shepard."

She pulled him gently two meters away; her voice was low. "Listen, Mordin. Right before we left I got a comm from the Dalatrass. It turns out that several hundred years ago, STG sabotaged the Shroud. As it stands now if you disperse the cure, it will be altered just enough so that it fails."

He glanced quickly at the Shroud, swirls of green energy surrounding it across the desert, then looked back and smiled his astonishingly bright, shining smile at her. "Not surprised. Familiar with STG methods in such matters, will be able to correct for it."

She returned the smile and squeezed his shoulder. "I never doubted it, Mordin."

She stepped into the truck behind Garrus and glanced around the cramped interior; it seemed the bulk of the truck consisted of armoring and not passenger space. She turned around. "There's not enough room – James, EDI, you'll need to ride in the next one." She motioned for Garrus and Liara to take the remaining seats. The truck moved out with a violent lurch and she quickly grabbed the overhead bar.

As they rumbled down the road, Mordin worked fervently on his Omni-Tool; Wrex practically vibrated with anticipation from his seat; Eve watched Wrex thoughtfully; Shepard watched Eve with interest.

Eve finally spoke. "Wrex, your brother isn't the only one who will want revenge for the genophage. You will need to placate them somehow."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll demand the Council return some of our territory – we'll need room to expand, recapture the glory of the ancients."

Mordin glanced over briefly, his left eye twitching, then returned to his Omni-tool.

Shepard tilted her head, curious. "The ancients?"

Eve looked up at her. "Tuchanka wasn't always a wasteland, Commander. In the old times the Krogan were a proud people. We had dreams, a future to look forward to. But technology changed us, made life too easy. So we looked for new challenges, and found them in each other. Nuclear war was inevitable."

... ... ...

"_Nuclear war is inevitable."_

_Dr. Maelon Heplorn looked up from the terminal. "But how can you be certain, Doctor Solus?"_

_Mordin didn't look up from the readouts. "All the data points to it. Every simulation results in nuclear war, then worse. Some simulations end in decimation of Turians, Salarians; some end in genocide of Krogan. All end in death of billions." He finally looked over at his student. "Instruct the team to assemble. It's time to act."_

_Maelon stared at him for a moment, then nodded sharply and left the room._

_That afternoon Mordin stood in the center of a semi-circle, the large screen behind him filled with charts and graphs. He paced rapidly, periodically gesturing at the screen to emphasize a particular point as he made the case._

_A hand raised from the back of the room. "Doctor, are there possibilities we may not have considered? Perhaps if the Council provided guidance, assistance to the Krogan in rebuild– "_

_Mordin shook his head. "No. Accounted for. Delays war for an additional two hundred years, but result is the same. Worse even, as Krogan possess additional resources when war begins."_

_Another hand raised. "What if we isolated Tuchanka – allowed natural evolution to contain Krogan population while their culture evolved?"_

_Mordin pulled up another graph. "Impossible. Even with genophage-limited population, Krogan have spread across the galaxy. Increased fertility will result in population growth outside of Tuchanka, eventually sufficient for off-world Krogan to demand opening of Tuchanka – or taking by force. From that point, path to war is even more rapid than other scenarios."_

_He turned to the team. "Evidence is clear. Irrefutable. Our responsibility to galaxy is to ensure continued effectiveness of genophage. Are we all in agreement?"_

_Mordin didn't notice Maelon's left eye twitch as he sat on his hands. He looked around the room a final time then nodded. "Then it is settled. Tomorrow we will begin work on modifying the genophage."_

... ... ...

The Reaper's beam clipped the Turian fighter, sending it spiraling out of control – in their direction. Shepard turned and sprinted to cover, shouting into her comm as she did so. "Move!"

The fighter crashed into the lead truck, sending it flying into the air in pieces. Debris slammed into the second truck, the engine exploding in flame. The shockwave blew her several feet into the air; she instinctively tucked her head and landed on her shoulder, rolling cleanly back onto her feet.

"Get the hell out of here, now! Artemec Wing, pull back until the Krogan can get into position!"

As the trucks began rumbling over the broken road, EDI came over the comm. "Lieutenant Vega and I are still with the convoy, Shepard. How should we proceed?"

She looked at the fiery wreckage in front of her, the desert to her left, and the gaping black void to her right. "Stay with them, EDI. Make sure Eve and Mordin get to the Shroud." She eyed the darkened entrance again. "We'll find another way."

She hurried over to Liara, rousing herself beside some rubble. Liara stood up, futilely brushing dust off her armor. "Where are we going, Shepard?"

Shepard's eyes shifted to the right. "Down there."

Liara stared at the blackness as Garrus came up beside them. "Oh."

They were less than twenty meters into the pitch-black tunnel when the skittering noise started. Garrus swung his rifle around in a circle, the light on it exposing crumbling walls and a staircase down but little else. Shepard's jaw clenched as she muttered under her breath. "That's just _great_…down the stairs then. Carefully_._"

The stairs led down to a square chamber. The light from her rifle revealed intricate drawings on the walls and a statue in the center, gold flaking off the iron beneath. Liara stepped up and ran a hand over the statue. "This must be tens of thousands of years old…the Krogan had such a rich – "

The skittering sound echoed off the walls, growing louder until it filled the room. A creature shot out of the black and landed on Garrus' chest, knocking him backwards. Shepard swung towards him and aimed. She fired three quick shots through the engorged center of the creature, which only succeeded in spewing a viscous liquid against the wall.

She pulled her right hand away from the rifle and turned her palm _ever-so-slightly_ to the left. She flicked her wrist and _threw_ the creature hard into the statue, impaling it on the iron spear it carried. Garrus was flung in the opposite direction, hitting the wall hard but staying on his feet.

He shook his head roughly. "I'm alright, Shepard. Nice aim." They approached the creature cautiously as its multiple limbs twitched and spasmed. Liara ran her light over it, then stepped back to expose the entirety of the body.

Shepard's eyes narrowed as it shuddered a final death throe and its head fell forward. She exhaled sharply. "Rachni…"

Garrus looked over at her. "Rachni? But Shepard – "

"I _know_. They – " Skittering sounds began echoing down the stairwell behind them. "Come on. Let's go."

They turned and ran down the narrow hallway into a larger room. Lights quickly traversed the walls, revealing more drawings, statues and alcoves, but no exits. The skittering grew louder.

Liara ran to a shadowy alcove, hands running along the recess. "Nothing! Shepard, I don't see a way out."

Shepard aimed her rifle at the narrow entryway, her pupils widening as they focused in the shadowy darkness. "There has to be a way."

... ... ...

"_There has to be a way."_

_Dr. Kedras frowned at the terminal. "Not thus far. Garbage DNA blocking attachment sites, rendering modification ineffective. Fertility rates approach 20%."_

_Mordin stared intently at the readout, then shook his head. "No. Too high. Fertility rate of 20% delays war by 380 years but does not prevent it."_

_Kedras typed rapidly as numbers scrolled across the monitor. "Could manipulate hormone levels from birth. Consistent results, high level of penetration." _

_The numbers came to rest; Mordin glanced at them then turned away. "No. Far too low. Fertility rate of 0.01% results in extinction of Krogan within 1,600 years."_

_Kedras turned to him. "But Doctor, that would solve the Krogan problem."_

_Mordin spun around, a shocked looked on his face. "No! Extinction not goal of project! Want to preserve life – all life – not extinguish it. Universe demands diversity." He turned to the nearest terminal and began typing. "0.1% fertility rate optimal for maintaining stable population. Hormones key for limited but greater than zero fertility. Must target more narrowly." He typed furiously for several minutes, then suddenly pushed away and looked over at Dr. Kedras. "There. Target hormones present during first trimester of pregnancy."_

_Kedras frowned. "That will be very difficult, Doctor, their transient nature will – "_

_Mordin walked quickly towards the door of the lab, waving a hand haphazardly over his shoulder on the way out. "If did not want difficult job, you should not have joined STG."_

... ... ...

Shepard scrambled through the narrow opening in the wall and towards the light ahead, ignoring the scrapes and cuts tearing at her face as the stone and rock closed in around her. At last she curled her fingers around the final blocks in the wall and pulled herself out and onto the ground above.

She quickly turned and reached back in, grasping Liara's hand and helping her out. Garrus struggled below her, his wide armor catching on the jagged rocks. She squatted down and watched him, grinning when he looked up.

"Shepard, this is _not_ funny…" He grumbled as he wrenched to the side, his armor breaking free but sending rock fragments from above into his face. She raised an eyebrow. "Should've sent you through first to clear the way for us."

"Yeah, yeah." He reached and grasped for the outer edge – and found her hand instead. She smiled affectionately and pulled him up. "Glad you didn't get stuck or anything."

He frowned at a hole punched in his armor. "Me too…" He suddenly looked up. "Shepard, what _is_ this place?"

She turned around, her eyes widening in wonder. "I don't know…"

Liara stood at the edge of a wall that dropped down into a miniature jungle ten meters below, green plants and colorful flora sprouting haphazardly from the rich brown dirt. "It's the City of the Ancients. The ancestral capital of the Krogan. Before the Rachni Wars. Before the Rebellion. Before the genophage."

Shepard gazed around at the graceful architecture, the arches and grand promenades, the tiered levels that must have once been gardens, the sunlight reflecting off bronze and copper. "I didn't realize you knew so much Krogan history, Liara."

Liara smiled to herself. "Once I knew we would be coming here, I had Glyph do some research. It's really quite fascinating – "

Shepard's comm squawked to life. "–pard, do you read? Shepard, are you there?"

"Wrex, I'm here. We made it out of the tunnels. We – " The ground began shaking, shifting precipitously under her feet. A low rumble sounded through the ruins. "What the _fuck_ was that?"

Wrex shouted through the comm. "That's what I was going to _tell_ you! That Reaper and its slaves aren't our only problem – our convoy seems to have woken up Kalros."

She frowned as the ground shuddered yet again. "Kalros?" Liara turned to her suddenly, eyes widening. "Help me out here, Wrex."

"The Mother of all Thresher Maws, Shepard. Don't they teach Krogan history in your Human schools?"

She chuckled briefly. "No Wrex, they don't. What are you doing about this 'Kalros'?"

"What do you think we're doing? Running away from it – or trying to, anyway. Where are you?"

She looked around. "The City of the Ancients, so I'm told."

She could hear him grumble through the static. "Shit, Shepard, how'd you get all the hell the way over there? Alright…head in the direction of the Shroud and find a way out. We'll _try_ to pick you up."

"Got it." She turned to Liara. "No more time for sightseeing, we gotta go."

Liara nodded. "Of course – how do we get out of here?"

Shepard gazed at the Shroud in the distance…then at the fireball that crashed to the ground thirty meters away. She shook her head ruefully, pulling the rifle off her back. "That way."

They met the Turian Husks halfway. Garrus fired a proximity mine at the Husks' feet then ran to cover against a narrow wall. As it exploded she nodded to Liara. They quickly created twin _singularities_, lifting the entire wave of weakened Husks helplessly in the air. They skirted around the edge of the _singularities_, leaving the Husks to their slow death.

A wide staircase led to a diamond-shaped dais, surrounded by four tall statues. She started to stare at them in wonder when human Husks crawled up over the edges from every direction. She sprinted for the middle of the dais. "Center out!" They quickly formed a circle, nearly shoulder-to-shoulder, and faced the incoming waves.

Husks were piled at their feet when another fireball crashed in front of them. Garrus raised his rifle then slammed his hand against it. "Dammit! Out of thermal clips – the rest are in the trucks." Shepard didn't respond, her eyes quickly darting to the left; confident that Liara's _singularity_ was capturing all the Husks on that side, she pushed outward with a _shockwave_, and as the waves radiated out from her palm she slowly turned towards Garrus, the waves expanding outward and curving around to shove ever more Husks back and off the raised platform. Her eyes closed and her jaw clenched as she exhaled roughly, pushing a final massive wave outward, sweeping the remaining Husks over the edge.

She bent over, dropping her hands to her knees, sucking in a ragged breath. She felt Garrus' hand under her arm, lightly supporting her. She drew in several slow, deep breaths, each one smoother than the last, then straightened up, glancing over at him with a confident smile. "I'm good." He nodded and dropped his arm.

She stepped over the corpses and walked up to one of the statues, staring up at it admiringly. It was at least ten meters tall, made of gilded bronze. The Krogan stood triumphantly, gazing out over what must have been the splendor that represented the pinnacle of Krogan civilization. She ran a hand along the feet and up a leg until her arm was fully outstretched. The attention to detail was amazing, the etched muscles seeming to almost ripple as she touched them.

She looked over her shoulder at the similar yet distinctive statues adorning the other three corners. Over the years, in far simpler times, her shore leave adventures had on occasion taken her to some of the finest museums across the galaxy. She knew with certainty that these statues could be displayed proudly alongside the greatest works created by the finest artists from the most advanced species.

Her gaze drifted to the barren desert beyond. She felt Liara come up beside her, and she sighed sadly. "How far they've fallen…"

... ... ...

_How far they've fallen… Mordin watched the desert sand sift through his fingers and fall to the ground, disappearing into the trillion grains of sand that stretched to the horizon. Behind him stood one of the few structures remaining untouched by the nuclear war and the hundreds of years of strife that had followed. It provided him shelter from the elements while he ran his tests and gathered his data, and yet…_

_It had been five years since the genophage modification had been secretly deployed on Tuchanka and dozens of Krogan-heavy population centers around the galaxy. His team had long since been disbanded, scattering to other projects and other missions. STG Administration had offered to conduct the annual recon missions, the follow-up studies necessary to ensure the deployment had been successful. _

_He had declined their offer. He believed with utter certainty that the modification had been necessary – essential, even – for the continued prosperity of the galaxy as a whole. Necessary for the continued existence of the Krogan, and all the rest. Necessary, but not kind. Not gentle._

_Playing god with the natural evolution of the galaxy…it was a perilous endeavor for the soul. Seeing as he hoped to keep his, he needed to force himself to come face-to-face with the consequences of his manipulations. Force himself to see, and accept, the price. _

_So once a year for the last five years he had traveled to Tuchanka, sneaking in under the cover of darkness, traveling alone to the outskirts of population centers. He had hidden during the day in what shelter he could find; at night he had ventured out, testing the water supplies, testing the air, sneaking into hospitals – such as they existed – and hacking their files, retrieving pregnancy and birth records. _

_The final stop on this tour was a small city surrounded by desert sands. Krogan lived here in the midst of the desolation because it had never been bombed in the wars; virtually all the original structures survived. His shelter for his stay was a museum of sorts, deserted and safe because Krogan no longer visited museums and had not for some hundreds of years. Few of the inhabitants were even aware that within the walls of the building on the edge of town lay artifacts of great beauty and dignity from their past._

_He looked down at his Omni-tool as the results from the air samples displayed. He nodded to himself. 99.8% saturation of the genophage modification in the air. Nearly the same as the previous four settlements he had visited. The water samples had been similarly conclusive. Birth rates showed a steady decline, indicating a 0.3% fertility rate – dropping steadily for the fifth year in a row. _

_It was done. He would recommend that readings be taken every five years for the next twenty years, but…it was done._

_He shut off his Omni-tool and sat down, leaning against the wall. He was tired. His peoples' rapid metabolism meant they didn't often get tired…but he was tired. When he looked out at the horizon, he could see the twilight of his life in the distance, edging ever closer. _

_He thought perhaps it was time he concentrated on saving lives again. Maybe even bring some hope to a place where there was little to be found. He couldn't bring it here, on Tuchanka, but perhaps there was somewhere he could…_

... ... ...

The enormous thresher maw tore through the sand, seeming to swim beneath the bridge under their feet. Its back arched as it swam, and the bridge crumbled from the pressure, bucking upward then breaking apart.

"Fuck!" Shepard pulled up short as the maw disappeared beneath the sand. Wrex was yelling in her comm. "Shepard, we have to move – get your ass here _now_!"

She looked at Garrus, then at Liara. "We jump." She took off running, leaping across the gap in the bridge and landing cleanly. She immediately turned and steadied Garrus' arm as he cleared the gap with inches to spare. Liara leapt…and came up inches short. Her hands desperately clung to the edge as her legs dangled in air. She and Garrus immediately knelt down, each grasping an arm and pulling her up.

Liara shook her head roughly then looked up, wearing a slightly shaky smile. "Thank you both."

Shepard nodded. "No rest for the weary. We've got to move." She ignored the yelling coming from her comm and took off running, around the corner and down the wide steps as the convoy barreled into view. The door to one of the trucks opened as they approached, barely slowing down. She jogged alongside, motioning Garrus and Liara in ahead of her, then grabbing the open side of the truck and swinging herself inside.

As the door banged shut behind her Mordin glanced up from his Omni-tool. "Shepard. Fortuitous timing. Have completed calculations for seventeen most likely adjustments Shroud may require."

She grinned raggedly and grabbed a bottle of water from the footlocker, gulping half of it down greedily then pouring the remainder over her face and neck. "I never doubted it, Mordin."

... ... ...

"_Call_ the thresher maw."

Eve nodded graciously. "Yes, Commander."

"Here. To us."

Wrex paced in the small confines of the truck's passenger compartment. They hit a bump and Garrus pressed back against the wall as Wrex stumbled into him. "Not to _us_, Shepard. To the _Reaper_. Kalros will almost certainly view it as an intruder and attack it, at the very least pulling it off the Shroud long enough for the _pyjak_ here to deploy the cure."

Shepard nodded slowly. "And we do this by activating two giant hammers that slam into the ground repeatedly."

Wrex nodded. "Yup."

"And these hammers would be located…?"

Wrex looked over at her and shrugged weakly. "Roughly in front of the Reaper…"

She smiled grimly. "That's what I thought."

She pursed her lips together and bowed her head, oblivious to the fact that everyone in the cramped compartment silently watched her as she worked through the variables in her head.

Abruptly she looked over at Liara. "When we get there take EDI and go with Mordin and Eve to this lab that's supposedly nearby. Guard the entrance and take care of any Husk visitors. If Mordin has any problems with the final synthesis of the cure, either of you will be able to help him far better than any of the rest of us."

Liara nodded. "Of course, Shepard."

She looked at Wrex. "I'm depending on you to take out the inevitable Husk waves that drop in behind us. Once we move into that arena we aren't going to have the time to be checking our six. Keep them off us, Wrex."

He grunted, patting the shotgun at his side. "Finally I get to kill something!"

She turned to Garrus. "Grab James and bring him up to speed on the situation – quickly. You two are with me. We run straight for the hammers and hope the Reaper doesn't notice us. No slowing down, no admiring the sights, no killing of Husks unless they are in our way. We'll deal with them after the hammers are activated."

His mandibles twitched. "Understood." He paused, chuckling lightly. "I'd say I'll be right beside you but…run like the wind, Shepard. I'll be right _behind_ you."

She smiled brightly, her eyes lighting up the dim compartment. The truck lurched to a stop, and she looked around at them a final time, the smile lingering on her face as she met each of their eyes in turn.

"Let's go make history."

... ... ...

Two Brutes charged around the corner of the ruins.

"Shit!" Shepard ducked low and slid between and under their swinging claws as they lumbered forward. If Brutes had one weakness, it was that they were not agile. Though there was no time or chance to look behind her, she knew that they were slowing in order to plant a long arm and pivot around.

"James, Garrus – make those things be dead! I've got the hammer."

James growled into the comm. "Yes, ma'am." Garrus didn't waste the energy to respond; he knew that she knew that he would do as she ordered and do it damn well.

She was almost to the hammer when she heard and felt the successive explosions of grenades behind her. She wore a brief grin as she sprinted the last ten meters and slammed her hands down on it. She waited long enough to feel the first resounding thud beneath her feet then took off across the open pavilion towards the second one.

The pounding hammer was attracting more than Kalros. The Reaper swung around to the arena; on the edge of her peripheral vision she could see its enormous red eye opening. Turian fighters swooped through the air but did little to distract it. James and Garrus fell in beside her but she spared no energy to look back at them. She simply grunted, "Run!"

The red beam hit the ground and cut towards them, the ground exploding in flying dirt and stone ahead of it. She ran until the last possible second, then flexed her calves, pushed off with the balls of her feet, and dove through the air as the beam ripped open the ground directly behind her. She landed roughly but rolled and found her feet at the base of the stairs, scrambled up them on her hands and toes, then ran low to the hammer. She reached up and pushed it down, hard. She could _feel_ the Reaper focusing its eye on her, but she had to make sure. She waited, breathing. In. Out. In –

– the ground thudded beneath her feet, and she ran.

Her arms reached out as she sprinted between James and Garrus, grabbing the rough material of James' more-special-forces-uniform-than-armor and Garrus' gloved hand and hauling them up behind her, the muscles of her arms and shoulders screaming under the strain. She didn't think about her muscles and just kept running, felt them regain their feet – James first, to her mild surprise – then Garrus, and she let go of them and concentrated on running.

The air glowed red around them as the beam drew near. She _reached_, deep down, desperately, and pushed harder. She felt the ground beneath her feet warm from the heat of the encroaching weapon…then suddenly, the ground cooled. She didn't stop, reached the entryway stairs, cleared them in a single leap, then threw herself against the left pillar.

No beam came. She peaked around the corner as Garrus then James stumbled madly down the stairs and fell to the dirt below. The Reaper was turned to the left, beam swinging upward then sideways then –

– Kalros leapt from the sand, flying through the air, its multi-faceted mouth gaping open as it crashed into the Reaper, a thousand tiny, sticky tentacles latching onto the cold metal and not letting go. Its body continued to rise out of the sand, impossibly long, as it wrapped itself around the Reaper, pinning its leg as it is struggled to aim its deadly weapon. Then they were wrapped around one another, and a dance of death began.

She watched the dance in awe for a brief second, then turned and met Garrus' eyes as he stood up. "Get to the trucks and get us ready to get the fuck out of here. I'll get Mordin and the others." He stared at her and opened his mouth to argue…then nodded. "We'll meet you at the trucks – _soon_."

She pulled her lips up in a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, then turned and ran towards the Shroud as the arena ruins collapsed around her.

... ... ...

EDI lowered her SMG a split-second after Shepard rounded the corner. Her reaction time truly was uncanny.

"The lab is clear, Shepard. Liara is inside assisting Mordin." EDI nodded perfunctorily as Shepard gingerly stepped through the Husk gore that coated the floor of the entryway.

She grinned as she reached the door. "Nice work, EDI."

The corners of EDI's artificial lips tweaked upwards. "Thank you, Shepard."

She pushed opened the door and found Eve sitting calmly in a chair while Mordin fluttered rapidly between terminals and Liara typed madly at a single one.

Liara glanced up as she entered. "Almost there, Shepard. Another twenty seconds. How's the Reaper?"

Shepard smirked, her hands clasping idly behind her back. "Occupied."

Liara smiled in spite of herself as she perfunctorily tapped the terminal a final time. "I'm sure." She stepped away and turned to Mordin. "I've done all I can, Mordin. You should be able to access the dispersal mechanism now."

He nodded distractedly. "Yes, thank you Dr. T'Soni. Am confident in your skills. Will proceed with dispersal shortly."

Liara chuckled lightly then walked up the stairs towards Shepard. "Is everyone okay? I'm sure it got hairy out there."

Shepard rolled her eyes dramatically. "You have _no_ idea. I haven't seen Wrex in a little while…but I'm sure he's fine, the man is fucking indestructible." She glanced at Mordin as he turned away from the terminal and approached Eve. "Mordin, are we good to go?"

He nodded but kept his eyes on Eve, lightly grasping her hand as she stood. Suddenly the building shook and a fine dust rained down from the high ceiling.

Liara glanced up at the ceiling. "The Reaper?"

Mordin shook his head. "No. Yes, technically. Tower structure unstable due to frequent Kalros migratory visits, aggravated by Reaper arrival." His eyes suddenly shifted to Shepard. "Will not stand much longer."

She held his eyes for a moment then nodded. "Liara, get Eve out of here. Take EDI with you on the way out and get to the trucks; Garrus should have them ready to move out by now. Mordin and I will be right behind you." Her eyes shifted to Liara. "If the Reaper comes after you, don't wait for us."

Liara's eyes widened. "But Shepard – "

"Wait as long as you can. But if it comes for you, _don't wait for us_." She held Liara's eyes until Liara nodded. "Now get out of here."

She passed Eve on the stairs and stopped, smiling. "Thank you, Eve. I know you did this for your people above all, but thank you."

Eve dipped her broad shoulders in acknowledgment. "I am hopeful that what I have done will be for us all, Commander."

She squeezed Eve's hand then continued down the stairs towards Mordin. As he puttered rapidly between terminals, she watched Liara follow Eve out the door and breathed a small sigh of relief. She turned to Mordin and opened her mouth to speak what would surely be a wisecrack when the ground shifted violently beneath her feet; she grabbed ahold of the railing.

"Mordin, we need to move…"

He looked up at her, and smiled. It was remarkably peaceful and calm, and she was briefly caught in its wake. "Mordin?"

He typed rapidly on his Omni-tool. "Will need to load the adjustments from the primary control panel. No other way to be sure."

Her voice was soft. "Where is the primary control panel, Mordin?"

He continued typing. "Upstairs, obviously."

She instinctively looked up at the ceiling as it increasingly rained down upon them. "Upstairs? You mean the top of the tower? Mordin, you _can't_ go up there – it's going to explode any minute now."

He nodded affirmatively. "Likely so. Need to hurry." He looked up from his Omni-tool. "Will take care of it, Shepard. No need to worry."

She descended the stairs slowly, deliberately, ignoring the jolts as the floor slowly came apart beneath their feet. "Mordin, it's suicide to go up there. There has to be another way."

He stopped typing and looked at her, suddenly _stilling_. "No other way, Shepard."

Her eyes grew wide, plaintive. "But…"

He smiled, and seemed for all the world to be at utter peace. "Has to be me, Shepard. Someone else might get it wrong." He turned and walked towards the elevator at the back of the room.

"Mordin, please – "

He turned back to her at the elevator door. "Have lived a full life, Shepard. Many accomplishments, assisting you in defeat of Collectors the greatest among them before today. Some mistakes. Genophage modification not among them, and yet…thank you for giving me the opportunity to aid the galaxy a last time. Will end my life proudly, with no regrets."

She swallowed hard, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You won't be forgotten, Mordin. I swear, your name will be written in the – "

His chin notched higher. "No matter, Shepard. Better that your name be written in wherever they write such things. Is enough that you and I know that I did this final good deed." He hit the panel and the door slid open. "Excuse me now – have a genophage to cure."

She did him the honor of watching him as the door closed and the elevator slowly rose, accelerating as it passed beyond her view. She closed her eyes briefly then turned as the floor cracked apart beneath her feet. She nimbly climbed the crumbling stairs, stopping suddenly for the briefest moment and exhaling roughly, before resuming her course, barging quickly through the doorway, sprinting down the outer entryway, then jumping into the waiting truck as debris from the tower above her began to rain down.

Wrex stared at her as the truck accelerated. "Shepard, the cure, is it – "

She smiled sadly. "Mordin's taking care of it."

"But – "

She looked up and met Wrex's anxious stare, her jaw clenched rigidly. "Mordin's _got_ it."

... ... ...

Mordin absently whistled a tune as the elevator ascended the tower. Quite unusual to see such kindness in one so driven and focused as Shepard. Perhaps why she was unique in her ability to inspire – the elevator lurched suddenly and threw him against the wall, but he was confident in its ability to reach the top and unsurprised when it did so.

Matters were not quite so stable in the control room; he hurried out of the elevator and over to the main control panel. He ignored the fire on the left side of the room and the multiple warnings blaring over the speaker and flashing in his face. He scanned the readouts for a few seconds to confirm the precise nature of the sabotage then quickly fed the relevant adjustments from his Omni-tool into the controls.

Two seconds later the electronic voice from the ceiling calmed. "Temperature controls within normal range." He smiled in satisfaction, taking a moment to glance out the windows as he loaded the cure and entered the last few commands. The desert was rather beautiful from up here, and – _oh my, look at that_ – Kalros and the Reaper spun through the sand in the distance as the ground opened up and swallowed them whole. What a sight to see!

He hummed to himself – _I'm quite good at genetics, as a subset of biology_ – watching the readout as the cure passed through the Shroud's dispersal mechanism and into the atmosphere – _Because I am an expert, which I know is a tautology _– a wall exploded behind him, but he was entranced by the explosion of color and light going on outside – _My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian_ – his life's work brought full circle, it was a glorious vision – _I am the very model of a scientist Salar_–

... ... ...

Outside the entrance to the Hollows, the silence was deafening. The Reaper had disappeared in a cloud of sand on the horizon; Kalros with it. The tower's summit had exploded in a brilliant shower of color. Rainbow particles, the sunlight glimmering through them in a thousand hues, showered down then blew in the wind to far-off destinations.

Shepard gazed at her outstretched hand as a particle of dust gently settled in it then disappeared. She bit her lower lip absently as the weight of all that had transpired threatened to intrude on the beautiful moment. She slowly became aware of Wrex's presence beside her.

"We'll name our first child after him, Shepard. Hopefully a boy, but either way…"

She glanced over at him, an eyebrow raised. "We…?"

He guffawed. "You don't think I'm letting Eve out of my sight for a second, do you? She's smarter than me by a light-year and a damn sight more charismatic. I may be a thick-headed SOB, but even _I_ know a good thing when I've got it."

She chuckled tiredly. "Good for you Wrex. I always knew you had a decent head on your shoulders when it mattered."

He grinned at her affectionately. "And we'll teach him – or her, god forbid – songs about you, Shepard, seeing as by the time our first child is born you're sure to have saved the galaxy yet again."

She shook her head slowly. "I hope so, Wrex. For all our sakes, I hope so."

... ... ...

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was quiet. They were all exhausted, spent, bloodied and bruised. But the physical toll paled next to the magnitude of the emotional contradiction before them – the stunning, awe-inspiring visual display signifying the spread of the genophage cure across Tuchanka striking a discordant note against the ultimate sacrifice by a remarkable, singular individual.

Shepard sat alone, elbows on her knees and chin on her hands, staring at the wall; no one disturbed her. As the Normandy's bay door opened and the shuttle banked towards it, the silence was suddenly shattered by her fist slamming hard into the wall behind her, the clang of metal-on-metal echoing loudly through the shuttle. Then she calmly unfastened her harness, stood, and turned to the others.

"Thank you, everyone. You performed to your highest abilities today; you made me proud. Thanks to you, we saved a species and maybe, just maybe, took a step towards saving us all. Still…Mordin did more, and gave more, than all of us…and that's how he wanted it. Know that he was happy as he went up that elevator, at peace in the knowledge that he was, as Zaeed would have so eloquently put it, a _big god-amm hero_. The biggest." The shuttled settled to a stop and she opened the door and walked out.

Duty came before all, so she took the elevator to the War Room. Primarch Victus looked up as she came in.

"Commander, remarkable work today. Truly remarkable. I already received a comm from Wrex; Krogan troops will be inbound for Palaven beginning in the morning. Let me know what resources we can provide you and I will make it happen."

She smiled and shook his hand. "Thank you, Primarch. I appreciate your trust and commitment. I will try to make sure it is worth all our while. I'm sure you're eager to get back to the fight; we'll drop you back off on Menae in the morning." He nodded and squeezed her hand.

She was turning to leave when Traynor interrupted her. "Commander, there's an incoming call from for you from Councilor Valern. I can put it through to the vid-comm."

She sighed deeply, then straightened her shoulders. "Okay, thank you. I'll take it in the Comm Room."

... ... ...

Shepard leaned back against the door to her quarters, shoulders finally sagging in physical and emotional exhaustion. Why must great sacrifice always accompany great victory? Just once, couldn't one celebrate without sorrow?

No answers were forthcoming, and her thoughts drifted to more pressing matters. So Udina was dirty – few things in life had surprised her less than that little revelation. Taking him down would be…_satisfying_. She smiled to herself wearily then eyed the bed. _Almost._ One thing she wanted to do first. She pushed off the door and sat down at her desk, turning on her terminal, glancing quickly at then ignoring all the messages, instead typing a new one:

_Kaidan,_

_It looks like I'll be at the Citadel day after tomorrow. I would like to see you, if that's okay with you. I have some business to take care of when I get there, I'm not sure how long it will take. I'll message you when I'm free._

_- Graceyn_

She stared at the screen. Weak…so terribly weak. But words on a screen hadn't gotten her much mileage thus far…and she was _so _tired. She hit 'Send.'

... ... ...

Kaidan and Thane sat talking on the couch overlooking the Presidium Commons, the gardens and lake below shining in the artificial late afternoon light. Kaidan had sought him out today with more questions about the fight against the Collectors, questions Thane had answered honestly. They had talked about Thane's illness and about his son. The conversation had finally lulled into a comfortable silence.

Thane eventually looked back at Kaidan. "You will be joining her on the Normandy when you are released, I assume?"

Kaidan exhaled. "I don't know."

Thane's brow furrowed in apparent confusion, his head cocked slightly. "Why would you not do so?"

Kaidan pursed his lips and stared out the window. "It's complicated."

"Is it?"

His eyes swung over to Thane, and found the man wearing a rather mysterious half-smile. He didn't answer the question.

After a moment Thane leaned forward slightly, dropping his elbows to his knees and clasping his hands together, possibly deciding that more drastic measures were in order. "I love her, you know."

Kaidan started, sitting up straight and staring at Thane with narrowed, questioning eyes. "_Why_ would you tell me that?"

"Because it is right that you know. Because it is important that you know if you are to understand why I speak the words I do. Shepard redeemed my life when it was lost, gave me a second chance and made certain I did not waste it. She showed me what it meant to live life fully and with passion. I love her for all those reasons and many more." He caught Kaidan's eyes and held them. "But please, _know_ that she did and does love only you…and that is as it should be."

Kaidan continued staring at him for a moment, then finally shook his head, chuckling slightly. "Has anyone ever told you that are a _most_ unusual person?"

He smiled slightly. "One has."

Kaidan sighed, rubbing his hand roughly down his face. "I know she cares about me. I do. But she doesn't _need_ me. She never has. She didn't need me to go against the Collectors; she didn't need me to stand up to the Defense Committee. She doesn't need me now."

Thane watched him for a moment. "You are correct."

Kaidan frowned and dropped his chin. "Um, thanks?"

"Allow me to explain. Lost, alone, weakened, bleeding – whatever her circumstances – she will find a way to do what must be done, to emerge victorious, to _live_. It is her way. So in that respect, you are correct." He leaned forward intently. "But you are also wrong…because if she is _not_ alone, if she is strengthened and made whole by the one whom she loves, she will not merely live – she will _soar_. And it will be a sight to behold."

Kaidan turned away and stared out the window, but he wasn't seeing what lie beyond it. "It would be, wouldn't it?" He struggled to find the words to verbalize the jumble of emotions he felt. "It's just…I watched her die. Then she impossibly walked back into my life, only to vanish from it. I can't stand the thought of having her then losing her yet again."

Thane waited until he had Kaidan's full attention before responding. "It seems to me that, sitting here now, you already have."

Kaidan exhaled roughly, his forehead wrinkling as he worked his head around the statement. "It's not…I mean…_dammit_." Finally he collapsed back against the couch and laughed darkly. "When you put it that way…I suppose I have, haven't I?"

Thane smiled knowingly. "Luckily for you, you know where to find her again."

He nodded thoughtfully, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah…I do." He suddenly looked over at Thane curiously. "Why are you trying to convince me to go to her?"

"Do you not wish for those you love to be happy?"

He frowned. "Of course I do."

Thane shrugged almost imperceptibly. "It is no different for me."

He raised an eyebrow slightly. "And you think I can make her happy?"

"I do not think it – I know it. It only remains for _you_ to know it."

"I – " He was interrupted by the nurse.

"Excuse me, Major Alenko? Your paperwork is ready; if you'd like to come with me, we can get you discharged."

He smiled. "Excellent, just give me a moment." He stood and stepped over to Thane, extending his hand. "If we don't see each other again…thank you for spending this time with me. I'm glad we met."

Thane's head dipped in acknowledgement as he shook Kaidan's hand. "As am I. Best of luck to you, Major."

"Please, just Kaidan."

"Very well. It's been a pleasure, Kaidan."

... ... ...

Hours, mountains of release forms and innumerable doctor's instructions later, Kaidan sat down in his apartment and opened his messages. There were already dozens of new classified reports from the war, but two messages drew his immediate attention.

The first was from Councilor Udina, letting him know that his Spectre induction was scheduled for 9:30 GST the following morning. He smiled to himself…still hardly believing that _he_, Kaidan Alenko, shy kid turned killer turned wanderer turned marine, was going to be a Council Spectre. He wished desperately that he could tell his parents – if only because that would mean he knew where they were. He sighed, the flush of excitement dulled by the ache of worry.

The second was from her. It didn't say much, but it said the only thing that mattered – she was coming here. He quickly hit 'Reply':

_Shepard,_

_Of course. I'm out of the hospital now, so just let me know when you're free and I'll meet you._

_- Kaidan_

_P.S.: I took your advice; they swear me in as a Spectre in the morning._

He stared at the screen. Weak…so terribly weak. There was so much more to say. But those words were better said in person. He hit 'Send.'


	57. Dances of Death

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 57**

"**Dances of Death"**

* * *

><p>The doctor nodded perfunctorily to Kaidan. "Well, Major, I think that does it. I'm green-lighting you for active duty – but if you have any problems or experience unusual symptoms, contact me immediately."<p>

Kaidan smiled and offered his hand. "Thanks for patching me up, Doctor."

He was heading out of the hospital, hopefully for the last time, when he spotted Thane standing by the window. Presumably seeing the reflection in the glass, Thane turned around as he approached.

"Kaidan – you haven't had any complications, I hope?"

"No, just a final check-up before they let me out into the wilds for real."

Thane smiled. "Ah, good then."

Kaidan clasped his hands behind his back and started pacing slowly. "Actually, I'm glad I ran into you. I wanted to thank you…for knocking my head around when it needed it." His eyes cut over to the Drell, a corner of his mouth curling up in the hint of a smirk. "That _was_ your intention all along, I assume?"

Thane chuckled lightly. "As I said when we met, I wish to repay Shepard in whatever ways I am able. But do not doubt that I spoke the truth."

The smirk turned to a smile. "I believe you. And…" He paused briefly. "I'm glad you were there with her, against the Collectors. I'm glad she wasn't alone."

Thane's head dipped slightly. "It was my privilege to do so. I find that I want to say something to you as well, though I do not mean to embarrass you in any way. I am very glad we were able to have this brief time together – for now, whenever I do leave this world, it will be at peace with the knowledge that she loves someone worthy of it."

Kaidan felt a flush rising in his cheeks and shifted his gaze to the window. "I…thank you. You honor me with your words."

Thane's reflection in the window stared at his own. "Does this mean you will be joining her now?"

"I – " The sound of gunfire rang through the lounge from the direction of the entrance. They both flattened against the wall, combat instincts taking over instantly. Kaidan was closer to the hallway; he carefully peeked around the corner, spotting four commandos in distinctive white and gold heavy armor. He quickly pulled back.

_"Cerberus._ Dammit. No way they aren't going to try for the Council – I need to find the Councilors and get them to safety."

Thane nodded tightly. "I know a back way out of here."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Old habits never die. Follow me."

They moved quickly through the hospital, quietly urging people into the relative safety of locked rooms as they found them. Near the back of the building they went through an entrance marked "restricted"; it led into a dark hallway, turned left into another one, then finally terminated at a plain door.

Thane pulled up short at the end of the hallway. "This opens into a storage warehouse in Zakera Ward. I'm going to head to C-Sec Headquarters; Commander Bailey will be needing assistance."

Kaidan nodded. "Good idea. I need to get to the Presidium…should be quite a trek."

Thane turned to him. "Godspeed, my friend."

Kaidan clasped his shoulder briefly. "And to you."

They went through the door together then parted ways.

... ... ...

"Alliance Control, this is SSV Normandy, are we clear to descend?" Silence hung in the air as Joker looked over his shoulder at Shepard, shrugging in confusion. "I've been trying for five minutes, Commander. I get nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada."

Shepard frowned, peering out the viewports. It couldn't be the Reapers; there were none in sight…unless… "Is there any sign of Reaper jamming? They blocked Alliance communications as they entered Sol System."

EDI shook her head. "Negative, Shepard. However, there is – "

Joker interrupted her. "Comm coming through on an emergency channel, patching it in."

…static… "Normandy, do you read me?"

Her eyes narrowed incredulously. _"Thane?"_

"Yes. Cerberus attack – " …static… " – took over C-Sec, moving – "

Shepard gritted her teeth, focusing on the comm. "Thane, where are you now?"

"C-Sec…trying to…" The connection broke up into static then went silent.

"Fuck!" She spun around, fist clenching reflexively. "Motherfucking Cerberus I swear to fucking god when I find that man I am going to rip his fucking throat out!" She sucked in a breath and willed herself calm. _To the mission._

Joker raised an eyebrow at her over the back of his chair. "Tell us how you _really_ feel, Commander…"

She breathed out and rolled her eyes. "I think it's safe to assume that official docking protocols are offline. Bring us in directly; we'll take the shuttle into the C-Sec landing pad. Steve's going to get to have some fun today."

Joker raised an eyebrow briefly then nodded. "Aye, aye, ma'am. We'll, um, be here…hanging out in space…"

She stopped and turned halfway back to him. "You see an opportunity to dock – even if it's not _quite_ authorized, do it."

She jogged towards the elevator, hitting the Combat Team comm channel on the way. "Everyone meet me in the shuttle bay, _now_."

Minutes later she looked out at them as Cortez hurriedly prepped the shuttle. "Garrus, James, you're with me. Liara and EDI, be ready to go. If Joker is able to dock, move out and start trying to secure as much of the docking area as you can. Assume active hostiles until I comm you otherwise." She glanced over her shoulder. "Lieutenant, we ready?"

Cortez straightened up from the shuttle door. "Yes, ma'am. Can't say as I've ever flown a shuttle _inside_ a space station before, but there's a first time for everything."

She smiled then turned back to her team. "Cerberus is _not_ going to take the Citadel. Let's get to it."

... ... ...

Thane shut off his comm in frustration. He could only hope enough information had gotten through to her. The coincidence of the Normandy arriving here, now…he had tried the frequency out of desperation, and the fact that it was one of the few direct comm links he had stored in his Omni-tool. _Amonkira, thank you for your blessings, _he whispered to himself.

He waited for the voices around the corner to echo away from him then quickly glanced out. Only three, all facing away – he darted silently across the hallway and back into the shadows.

He paused to study the new surroundings. He was familiar with the layout of C-Sec Headquarters, but it was quite an extensive structure. There had never been a way to memorize all the labyrinthine passageways, not even when he had been an active black-market assassin on the Citadel nearly a decade ago.

He closed his eyes and pulled up the maps in his head, searching for anything familiar…_there_. He reopened his eyes and looked up at the sign pointing to the Training Area. He quietly moved forward, down the left hallway, through the first turn-off, winding his way slowly but surely towards Bailey's office.

... ... ...

Cortez smoothly set the shuttle down on the landing pad, the shields absorbing increasing small-arms fire and a few grenades.

She patted the back of the pilot's chair. "Nice job, Lieutenant. Get back to the Normandy; you may be needed again before this day is over with." The door lifted up to reveal a full-on assault by Cerberus on the C-Sec docking operations.

She grinned to Garrus and James. "Looks like they could use some help, boys. How about we give it to them?" She jumped out of the shuttle at a run, throwing a cluster grenade through the air as she slid into the dividing wall.

She peeked over the wall. "Okay. They've got flashy toys but there's not too many actual troops. James – left; Garrus – right; I've got the middle." As she slid around the corner and started to run low, she heard James grumble – "You always get the middle…" She grinned, turning towards him but keeping her voice low. "That's because the middle is the most _fun_…"

Shield barriers and turrets exploded in her peripheral vision as she darted from cover to cover. Garrus and Vega both knew when to be subtle…and when not to be. She got within range of the entrance without being noticed, quickly stood and threw a _singularity_, shifting it slightly to the right mid-motion as she spotted Bailey lying on the floor near the door. She pulled up her rifle and took out the two commandos outside the shifted _singularity_ then hurried up the ramp.

She squatted down next to him, immediately pulling out the Medi-gel and applying it to the hole in his stomach. "What the hell happened here?"

Bailey exhaled raggedly. "Damn but you're a sight for sore eyes, Shepard. I was out at some damn fool meeting when Cerberus hit Headquarters; I've been trying to fight my way in, but I was outmanned and outgunned."

She smiled kindly. "Glad I happened to drop in then." Garrus then James circled up to them, each signaling the all-clear.

Bailey struggled to his feet as the Medi-gel took effect. "We need to retake the Headquarters communications station, at least. My men are stationed all over the Citadel but without a clear communications channel, they're all flying blind."

She nodded quickly. "Get us in there then."

... ... ...

Kaidan moved quickly through the crowded markets of Zakera Ward. There was no attack here yet; the denizens went about their business in blissful ignorance. He wanted to warn them, tell them to get to safety, but there were far too many – he would either make no impact or cause a panicked stampede.

So instead he wove his way through the throng of people, up the stairs and around the corner. _Fucking Cerberus._ He couldn't believe the Illusive Man was arrogant enough to actually attack the Citadel directly. Cerberus had certainly grown in strength and size over the last few months thanks to a healthy dose of Reaper tech, but even so… This attack represented a significant raising of the stakes.

But only if they succeeded. He quickened his pace.

At last he reached the hallway that led to the Presidium elevator. He smiled to himself as he hurried down the hall…just to his left was the darkened service corridor where, more than three years ago, they had rescued Tali from an ambush by Saren's men, setting off a whirlwind adventure that had changed his life forever. Shepard had – he shook his head roughly. _Focus, Alenko. No time for reminiscing – you have a job to do._

_... ... ...  
><em>

Bailey painfully sank into the chair and started working at the terminal while they swept the room. "Okay…I've got something…_there_. Cerberus still has control of the main channels, but I set up a new one."

Shepard frowned. "Can't Cerberus just block it too?"

He shook his head. "Not if they don't know about it. It's private, I need to invite people to it…sending it out to my officers now."

"Send it to Thane."

He looked up. "Your Drell friend?"

She nodded. "He contacted me when I arrived, that's how I knew about the attack. He said he was headed here."

"Alright…" He typed for a second then nodded to her.

She hit her comm. "Thane, do you read me?"

"Shepard…good you made it. I'm working my way – "

"Dammit!"

She looked over at Bailey. "What is it?"

"I can't seem to contact the Executor, his comm's down. Let me check his schedule…he was supposed to be meeting with Councilor Valern right now."

What were the odds that they were meeting about Udina on the same day Cerberus attacked? She exhaled harshly. "Shit. I don't think that's good. Thane, we're going to head for the Executor's Office, I think he and Councilor Valern may be in danger. Meet us there if you can."

She suddenly realized he was breathing rather heavily; this kind of exertion couldn't be easy for him. "Okay, I will try. And Shepard, you should know – Kaidan went to the embassies to try to protect the Councilors."

_Wha– How could he know that? They had both been in the hospital, she supposed it wasn't outside the realm of possibility – no matter. Later._ "Thank you for telling me. Hopefully I'll see you soon." She looked back at Bailey. "Get Major Alenko on the channel, now."

He worked for a minute, frowning. "I can't. His comm's active, but it's being jammed locally. I'll keep trying."

She nodded brusquely. "Garrus, James, let's go."

... ... ...

Kaidan quietly slipped into the elevator, flattening against the side wall as the doors closed. He'd thank his luck that the transports were still working, but the truth was that Cerberus needed them running in order to effectively take over the station. The Citadel was _enormous_ – it would take days to walk the length of it, and Cerberus undoubtedly knew it didn't have days.

The elevator slowed to a stop and opened at the Presidium Embassies. He quickly leaned out the door and was surprised to see not a trace of Cerberus, or any signs of combat whatsoever. Odd – he had really thought they would have gone for the Council and the Ambassadors almost immediately… He cautiously stepped out, barrier shimmering around him, then ran for the Council offices.

He rounded the corner and almost ran smack into Councilor Udina. Councilors Sparatus and Tevos were following closely behind him.

Udina frowned almost imperceptibly before nodding. "Ah, Major Alenko – I'm glad you are here, it seems we are in need of your protection."

He nodded, his eyes scanning the area. "Where is Councilor Valern?"

Udina frowned deeply. "I'm afraid he was out at a meeting; we have been unable to reach him. We can only hope that he is safe."

He exhaled. "Okay. We need to get you all out of here and to a safe location. We should – "

"Yes, I have secured a vehicle on the upper transport pad. We can take it to somewhere safe."

Kaidan bit his tongue and swallowed a retort. "Fine, Councilor. But we need to be cautious. Stay behind me."

... ... ...

Shepard flattened against the wall, motioning James and Garrus back. She leaned carefully around the corner and scanned the C-Sec lockers and lounge area. Water rained down from the sprinklers in the ceiling, soaking everything in sight. She glanced down at the rapidly approaching pool of water, then quickly pulled up her rifle. She took aim not at the Cerberus commandos gathered down the hall, but rather at the bottom of the shield barrier they stood behind.

She fired a single shot, then grinned as the barrier short-circuited, sending bright sparks of electricity into the air and through the water and into the armor of the commandos. They jerked and spasmed, but they were already dead.

She waited until the last sparks dissipated then motioned Garrus in ahead of her. He almost immediately ran over to a body slumped against a table, a gunshot through his throat.

"Ramirez!" He shook the man repeatedly before sinking back onto his heels. "Dammit." He glanced up at Shepard, water droplets dripping from his mandibles. "I trained him when he first joined C-Sec. He was a good guy. A little idealistic but…a good guy."

She smiled sadly, running a hand through her already-soaked hair. "I'm sorry, Garrus. I promise we'll make them pay."

"Yeah…" He pushed up and turned away. "Better get to it then. The Executor's office is just down the hall then upstairs."

... ... ...

Thane gasped for breath as he ran down the darkened corridor. All the years and all the missions and all the kills, and now – when he needed them most – he had no time and no air.

He had long since come to terms with his illness and the rapidly approaching end to his life – but at this moment he cursed it, in his mind and in his heart. He didn't speak the curse because he couldn't spare the breath to do so.

He arrived at the next door and stopped. He reached out to open it carefully, quietly, but it just glared red at him. He frowned and tried to hack it, to no avail. Cerberus was implementing some very high-grade encryption to shut this place down.

He looked around desperately for another way. He was _so close_. The hallway to his left wound back around then into a storage area, he knew – a dead end. He stepped over and carefully opened the door to his right – and found himself in a server room.

He closed his eyes. _Think!_ Servers of this size and power would require cooling…he looked up at the large air conditioning vent high on the wall. He raggedly sucked in a deep breath then carefully climbed up the server rack.

He was going to be a duct rat.

... ... ...

Garrus gripped the Executor's shoulder and carefully pulled him back in the chair. His head lolled to the side lifelessly, his chest soaked in blood. Garrus shook his head slowly. "This guy I never really cared for…but it still isn't right."

Shepard knelt down by a Salarian body near the door, rolling it over onto its back. "It's not the Councilor…looks like a bodyguard."

James grumbled from across the room. "I don't…think…this is the Councilor either…Shepard, a little help here?"

She glanced over as she stood. "It's not." She walked over to the window and looked down at the work area and kitchen below, littered with the bodies of commandos that had stood in their way, and started planning the next step. If Councilor Valern wasn't here, he could be anywhere; without any leads it was a fool's errand to chase him blindly. Kaidan had made the right call. Order and security depended on the Council staying alive – it was no less true now than it had been three years ago when Sovereign had attacked. She needed to –

A chair moved below. Just barely…but it moved. She drew closer to the window, tilting her head to the side. A fold of dark blue cloth peeked out from under the table, then a Salarian slowly crawled out and stood.

She exhaled in relief. "Found him – "

A blur fell from the rafters and rose from the floor behind the Councilor. Years of combat situations and studying people told her one very clear thing – this was a dangerous man. Of course, a third-grader could probably tell that from the skin-tight black outfit and the dual swords…

She moved, shielding her eyes and shooting out the window, planting a hand on the frame, leaping over the glass shards and dropping to the floor below, ignoring the "Shepard!" echoing behind her.

Her voice was low and even as she sighted down on the assassin. "Councilor, get behind me please."

"Shepard, he'll kill us all!"

"Not if you get behind me, he won't."

The assassin seemed rather confident that he had the situation in hand. He moved slowly in a wide circle, outstretched hand rippling with biotic energy, watching them as she watched him. Something about him…suddenly she remembered the description from Anderson's report on Paul Grayson.

She slowly moved sideways, mirroring his steps. "Kai Leng, I presume."

He smiled predatorily. "Commander Shepard, I presume."

Suddenly he pounced.

... ... ...

Thane pulled himself forward on his forearms. He could see through the slits in the vent cover ahead, a wall and windows displaying the artificial blue sky beyond. Only five meters to go. He paused to breathe, then froze as glass rained down from a window in the wall and someone dropped from it. She was only in his view for a second, but he knew that grace instantly.

_Shepard._

He crawled forward quickly, reaching the vent cover and rapidly assessing the scene. Shepard trained a gun on a man in black body armor. The Salarian Councilor backed uncertainly towards Shepard. Garrus and a soldier he didn't know appeared from the stairwell.

He quietly pushed the cover off, grasping it in his hand so it didn't fall. He carefully slid out of the vent then dropped silently to the kitchen floor below. He gently sat the vent cover on the floor then crept low along the cabinets then the wall behind the would-be assassin. He fought against sucking in a deep breath; he didn't need air to do this.

The assassin was focused intently on Shepard and the Councilor. He softly vaulted the glass dividing wall, pulling up the pistol he had acquired along the way.

The assassin pounced, and he leapt.

... ... ...

"It's an outrage! The gall of Cerberus to attack the Council – I never!"

Kaidan sighed in frustration. "Councilor Udina, _please_ keep your voice down. We're trying to avoid attracting attention of the wrong sort."

Udina sniffed. "Of course."

Tevos glanced over as they moved quickly down the hallway. "Cerberus seems to be attacking the entire Citadel, Councilor. In fact, as of yet they don't appear to have come after us at all."

Kaidan motioned for them to stop as they reached the next junction, waiting as flustered people scurried past. "Let's make sure it stays that way."

Sparatus stroked his mandibles. "You have to admit, it _is_ odd that the Embassy District is devoid of Cerberus troops."

Kaidan leaned around the corner again…one last person passed, then it was clear. The Councilor had a very good point, one which had been twitching in the back of his mind ever since he had reached the Presidium. But at the moment it didn't matter. "I'm sure they have a strategy, whatever it is. Okay, let's move. We're almost to the transport pad elevators."

... ... ...

_Thane…_

She was a hair's breath from pulling the trigger when he seemed to materialize beside Leng, gun to the man's temple. She had forgotten how fast he could move…

…but Leng appeared to be quite skilled in the art of movement as well. He froze, then abruptly crouched and spun away, throwing up a shimmering barrier as he did so. Thane followed him, and they whirled across the floor in an elaborate dance of death.

She tried to aim at Leng, but it would be impossible to fire without risking hitting Thane. She reached out a palm and readied a targeted _throw_, when Leng suddenly went flying through the air and landed hard – behind a table. Dammit! She motioned Valern behind Garrus and slid sideways, trying to get a shot. She glanced quickly at Thane, caught his eye, and grinned briefly. He blinked at her, and it spoke volumes.

She was rounding the corner of the table when Leng sprang up, somersaulted over the table and ran for Thane. Goddamn he was fast…of _course_ he was fast. He would have the latest and greatest Reaper tech, courtesy of the Illusive Man himself, wouldn't he?

If Thane were at his best, even all the Reaper tech in the world wouldn't be a match for him. What was it he had said to her once? _Killing is an art, and I am a master._ And he was – even at 80% he would defeat all but maybe a dozen fighters in the galaxy. Was he at 80%? She watched him as he countered Leng's every move…there was no way he could be, and yet…

Thane locked Leng's arm behind his back and one sword clattered to the floor. They spun around, pinned together…Thane's knees bent slightly then pushed upward, and Leng went skidding across the floor, slamming against the wall. She leapt over the glass divider to get a clean shot – Thane ran forward, his gun raising, intending to get a shot off before Leng's barrier came up again –

– Leng vaulted himself off the floor, his other sword swinging upward as he did so, and they met in an embrace of death –

_Thane…_

– the sword slid back out. Dark, thick blood dripped ominously from its razor-sharp edge. _Thane's blood._ She fired. Leng smiled at her as his barrier shimmered from the impact. Taunting her. She would kill him.

He spun around and leapt over the divider, seeming to fly down the stairs. She slid down next to Thane, pulling out the Medi-gel and reaching for his stomach. He grabbed her wrist and stared into her wide, unblinking eyes.

"Go after him."

She shook her head. "No."

"_Go."_

She sucked in a breath, squeezed his hand, then sprinted, yelling over her shoulder as she took the stairs three at a time, "Garrus, take care of him!"

She blew through the door and down the hall as Leng disappeared around the corner – she skidded around it and onto a C-Sec landing pad just as he leapt _into thin air_ – a vehicle rose from below, Leng standing astride it. She pulled the trigger again and again, and his barrier started to crackle as it failed – then he was gone.

Whatever she was going to do next was interrupted by a number of loud footsteps on the stairs. She turned to see Thane struggling down the steps, Garrus following behind and begging him to stop, James following Garrus with a look that said he wasn't even _trying_ to understand things anymore, and three C-Sec officers bringing up the rear.

She ran back to Thane, catching him in her arms as he sagged against the wall and easing him down to the floor. She looked past James to the C-Sec officers. "Get medical help here – _now_." One nodded and started talking rapidly on his comm. She turned back and leaned her face down close to his. "Hang on, help is on the way."

He looked up at her, smiling weakly. "I will be okay, for a time. Shepard, you aren't done yet. You know he will try for the other Councilors."

She nodded tightly. "Don't. Die." She stood up, motioning quickly to Garrus and James, and ran for the nearest C-Sec vehicle.

Valern came hurrying down the stairs. "Commander, wait! I have to tell you about Udina!"

... ... ...

The doors to the transport pad elevator closed and Kaidan breathed a small sigh of relief as it accelerated upward. The odds of making it to the elevators without meeting Cerberus commandos had been slim at best, but somehow they had managed it… He frowned. How _had_ they managed it? Councilor Sparatus was right – it was damn odd that there had been no attack on the Embassy District.

He looked over at Udina, standing in the corner of the elevator. "Councilor, how did you know to arrange a transport before I arrived?"

Udina glanced quickly at him then back at the control panel. "Oh…I received a comm from C-Sec alerting me to the attack."

His eyes narrowed slightly. "Huh. I didn't receive any message from C-Sec, and when I tried to comm _them_, their channel was blocked."

Udina huffed. "Well, perhaps the Executor thought alerting the Council was a higher priority than alerting you, Major."

He ignored the petty insult and studied Udina more closely. The man was fidgeting, hands pulling repeatedly at his tunic; his foot was tapping rapidly on the floor. He was practically vibrating – had been ever since they had left the Council offices. Kaidan had chalked it up to nerves in the face of a Cerberus assault, but…

His voice dropped a note in tenor but remained scrupulously even. "The Executor wouldn't be the one to make such notifications – it would be Commander Bailey or the Shift Commander on duty."

Udina's eyes flew over to him, widening for the briefest second before he looked down at the floor. "Obviously this time was different. I really don't see – "

The elevator shuddered to a stop and the doors opened onto the landing pad. The vehicle at the edge of the platform was a blackened, smoldering wreck. Kaidan's heavy pistol was immediately out as he scanned for attackers, but the platform appeared deserted.

Udina stepped out of the elevator, gasped in horror, then ran over to the console in front of the smoldering vehicle and began typing furiously. "Dammit! How could this happen, they were supposed to know!"

Every nerve in Kaidan's body flared as the pieces fell into place. He hadn't yet holstered his pistol and didn't do so now. "_Who_ was supposed to know, Councilor?"

Udina ignored him, instead activating then yelling into his comm. "I need another transport, same location as before. Now!"

Kaidan's voice growled across the platform. "Councilor! I asked you a question. _Who_ was supposed to know?"

Udina returned to typing on the console. "I don't answer to you, Major. All you need to know is that – "

"All I _need_ is for you to step away from the console, Councilor. We're leaving."

"Like hell we are, we just need to wait for a new transport to arrive."

Councilor Tevos had drifted closer to Udina, and she reached over and lightly placed a hand on his arm. "Perhaps we should do as the Major asks – "

Udina roughly shoved Tevos off of him and to the floor. "Get off me, Asari bitch!"

_Hell of a first day as a Spectre._ His heavy pistol was instantly pointed at Udina's head. "Step away from the Councilor _now_."

Udina's eyes widened. "You can't point a gun at me!"

"I'm placing you under arrest on suspicion of conspiracy to commit murder and – "

– the elevator doors opened, and his right hand immediately dropped off the pistol and swung outward, glowing brightly –

... ... ...

– Shepard swung out the elevator doors, gun raised, finger on the trigger –

"Kaidan!" She lowered the gun, exhaling in relief.

The corner of his mouth turned up, but he never took his eyes off Udina. His right hand returned to the pistol grip. "_Shepard_…nice of you to drop in."

She motioned for Garrus and James to lower their weapons. "Kaidan's got this."

Vega grunted. "But Commander – "

Her voice was low. "I _said_ Kaidan's got this."

"Commander Shepard!" Udina yelled at her from across the platform. He had backed up almost into the wreckage. "I demand that you have Major Alenko lower his weapon immediately!"

She had already taken in the entire scene of course, and while she had no idea how Kaidan had _known_, she was just pleased as punch that he did. She smirked gleefully at Udina. "I'm terribly sorry, Councilor, but that's not going to happen. You see, he outranks me." Her palms turned upwards in an expression of helplessness. "There's nothing I can do…"

Udina was looking madly around, as if there were an escape to be found. "You're a Spectre, do something!"

"So is _he_."

She strolled casually up to Kaidan, stopping beside him, their shoulders nearly touching. _God but he smelled amazing, traces of ozone mixing with sweat and aftershave._ "Hi."

His jaw was clenched tightly, eyes focused down the barrel of the pistol. _He wanted nothing more than to turn to her, drink her in, then…_ "Hi. I have reason to believe our illustrious Councilor is working for Cerberus."

Udina continued yelling ineffectual profanities, but didn't move in the face of the gun pointed between his eyes.

She smiled and turned her head, half of one eye staying on Udina but the rest drinking in Kaidan's profile. "Damn good instincts, Major. It so happens I found that out myself just a few minutes ago."

His jaw twitched. _She was so close, her breath fell across his cheek like a warm summer breeze, her musical voice thrumming against his eardrum._ "So I'm right."

"Yup. Valern discovered it and Udina tried to have him killed. He's fine, though the Executor wasn't so lucky."

He exhaled softly. "Okay then."

Her head tilted idly to the side, an eyebrow raised. "Want any help?"

He let slip a slight grin. "Nah, I'm good."

She chuckled lightly. "Carry on."

She backed away and leaned against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest and swinging one foot casually over the other, giving Udina an icy glare before letting her eyes settle on the much better view right in front of her…

Kaidan took a step forward, then another. "I repeat, I am placing you under arrest for – "

A vehicle careened out of control and crashed into the adjacent platform. Tevos and Sparatus turned towards it in surprise; James and Garrus ran to the edge, guns drawn; Kaidan and Shepard spared a quick glance, and Udina took advantage of the distraction to frantically reach into the wreckage behind him, his outstretched arm coming back up wielding a gun.

It was a surprise to everyone on the platform but Shepard when Kaidan's left hand suddenly rose off his pistol and pushed forward, _throwing_ Udina off the ledge and to the Presidium Commons floor hundreds of meters below.

_Hell of a first day as a Spectre._

He moved immediately to Tevos, who was shakily smoothing out her dress with her hands. "Are you alright, Councilor?"

"Yes, I'm fine…Major, what is going on?"

He looked behind him and found Shepard still leaning against the wall, failing at suppressing a grin. _He was finally able to take in the sight of her. Her hair was damp, stray tendrils sticking to her cheek and along her jaw; her pitch-black armor was covered in blood, a single bloody streak running down her neck; her eyes met his and sparkled like stars. She was amazing._

He failed at suppressing a smile in return. "Shepard, perhaps you'd like to fill the Councilors in on the details."

She nodded and pushed off the wall. She had been waiting, quietly and out of the way – but upon being invited to join the party, she suddenly seemed to take over the space, shining with confidence and easy authority as all eyes fell on her.

"Two days ago Councilor Valern and the Executor opened an internal investigation into suspicious financial transfers by Councilor Udina. What they found was evidence that Udina was on the take from Cerberus and was helping pave the way for the attack from the inside."

She paused a moment to let it sink in. "Udina discovered that Councilor Valern and the Executor were on to him, and Cerberus sent a highly-trained assassin after them – he killed the Executor and nearly got the Councilor. Fortunately we were able to prevent that; he is now safely under the protection of C-Sec. Councilors, Udina was planning to deliver all of you to Cerberus – whether for assassination or capture, I do not know. This vehicle, or the next, would have taken you to them, after which Udina would have seized control of the Council structure and the Citadel – on behalf of Cerberus, I'm sure."

Tevos dipped her head graciously. "Then we owe both of you our lives."

Sparatus nodded, hands clasping behind his back. "Indeed. The first two Human Spectres do humanity proud."

She smiled at them, forcing it not to become a celebratory grin. "Thank you, but I didn't – "

A shrill, grating noise erupted from the elevator; she and Kaidan both turned instantly, guns raising, running towards the elevator with Garrus and James right behind.

The doors opened to reveal Bailey, accompanied by several of his lieutenants. She exhaled, dropping the gun down as the tension evaporated. "Bailey…you shouldn't be traipsing around like this you know, you _should_ be in the hospital."

"Oh hell, Shepard, they came after my station, I'll fight till I die." He suddenly cleared his throat and stood up as straight as he could while bearing the wound in his stomach. "Councilors. I'm glad to see you're safe. I'm happy to report that C-Sec communications have been restored and my men are systematically clearing Cerberus from the Citadel. It will take some time to reestablish complete order, but we hold the Presidium and are expanding out from there."

Kaidan turned to the Councilors. "It seems the situation is once again in hand. I'll escort you back to your offices and make sure they are secure."

Tevos smiled. "Thank you, Major. Your continued protection is most appreciated."

Shepard turned to Bailey. "I need to go after Kai Leng – can you track him?"

Kaidan's head swung sharply over to her at the mention of the name. Bailey frowned in puzzlement. "Kai Leng?"

"Psychotic assassin with a black skinsuit and a ninja complex?"

Bailey nodded. "Oh, him. Maybe, if we hurry."

She looked over at Kaidan and caught his eyes, smiling apologetically; he nodded the slightest bit, just for her, and silently mouthed a single word. _"Go."_

_... ... ...  
><em>

"What do you mean, he's gone?"

Bailey threw his hands in the air then winced in pain. "Bastard released a virus into the system, it deletes any images recorded of him before we can grab them and replaces them with stock images."

Shepard sighed and dropped back against the wall. "That's clever."

"Yeah…" Bailey rubbed his temples wearily.

She watched him for a minute. "Do you need any help getting Cerberus out of here?"

He leaned the chair back, rocking it slowly. "Nah, now that we've got our structure back operational, my men have it under control. Most of them started running once they figured out they weren't going to win."

She nodded and pushed off the wall. "Let me know if by some chance you get a lead on him. I'll be at the hospital."

... ... ...

Shepard closed her eyes and exhaled slowly_. So he was going to die. Never victory without sacrifice._ She already felt the loss in her heart, in her soul…but he wasn't gone yet. And he just might need her to be strong for him.

She looked back up at the doctor. "Thank you for telling me. I'm sure you've done everything you could for him. I think I'll go in and see him now." She turned, took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and walked into the hospital room.

Kolyat was at his bedside, his hands clasped together, his lips quietly intoning a prayer. On her entrance he looked up, standing up straight and nodding at her. "Commander Shepard. He'll be glad you've come."

She smiled slightly. "Kolyat, it's good to see you. The months have treated you well."

He blinked repeatedly in embarrassment. "My father – and you – made sure that I was treated kindly. Commander Bailey has helped me do…well, anyway…" He stepped back against the glass as Thane's head turned towards her, his arm reaching out weakly.

"_Siha…"_

She swallowed, eyes widening briefly as she stepped forward, taking his hand in hers. "I'm here, Thane."

"The Council…are they…"

She smiled tenderly at him. "They're safe. Word is that Valern's calling you a hero to anyone who will listen – I'm afraid your carefully constructed anonymity may be at an end."

He chuckled briefly before it turned into a coughing fit. She winced and looked away, struggling to bring her expression back under control. Kolyat moved closer and gently wiped the spittle from his mouth as he settled back against the pillow in exhaustion.

She looked over at Kolyat and nodded the tiniest bit in appreciation as he stepped back, then she turned to Thane. "Everyone's safe in fact. C-Sec is kicking Cerberus out of here as fast they can. And it's all thanks to you – if you hadn't alerted me, told me where to go, then stopped that assassin, things might have gone very differently."

He smiled weakly and took a slow breath. "Then I was able to atone for a few more of my wrongs on my way out. Perhaps Arashu, Kalahira, and the other Gods will welcome me into their arms after all…"

She shook her head softly. "They'll give you a seat at the table if they know what's good for them."

He squeezed her hand tightly. "Shepard, know that meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in many years. I am glad I was able to help you in your mission in some small way, but you helped me in the greatest ways. I owe you my life, my son, my soul. I – " He started coughing but this time somehow willed it away.

She brought her other hand up, completely enclosing his in hers. "Hush, don't go on like that. You helped me so very much. You are one of the most skilled fighters I have ever seen, but far more than that, you were a friend to me when I needed one most. And here on the Citadel…you saved me. So don't go on about what I've done for you…you've done everything for me."

He exhaled slowly, nodding almost imperceptibly. His voice was barely a whisper. "I am glad." He turned his head to Kolyat. "I have a final prayer…Kolyat…we talked about…"

Kolyat turned from the window, eyes glistening as he nodded. "I remember." He pulled a book out of his jacket and crossed over to her side as he opened it. Thane reached over weakly with his other arm, grasping Kolyat's hand in his.

It took everything she had not to fall upon him in tears – but she owed him more than that. She was his _warrior-angel_, and she had to be that for him until the end. She looked over at Kolyat; he pointed to the relevant verses on the page, and they read together.

_Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention. Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve. Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me._

She felt his hand go limp at the same instant Kolyat did. Their voices hitched, paused, then continued quietly until the end.

Kolyat turned away to face the wall as his hand rose to his mouth and he choked back a silent sob.

She gently laid Thane's arm across his chest, then leaned down and softly kissed his forehead. "Thank you, Thane, for all that you were."

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, then released his hand and stood up. She placed a hand on Kolyat's shoulder and he turned shakily to her.

"Your father was one of the bravest, most honorable men I have ever known in my life. You can be proud to be his son. You meant more to him than anything in the world, Kolyat, never forget that." She briefly touched her Omni-tool. "Here's my private contact information – if you ever need _anything_, anytime, let me know."

He nodded tightly. "Of course, Commander. You meant a great deal to him…perhaps more than you know."

She squeezed his shoulder, then looked over at Thane for a long moment, breathing in deeply before turning back. "I need to go, if you're okay – "

He straightened his shoulders. "Yes. I have expected this for some time, if perhaps in less…abrupt…a manner. Arrangements are in place." His chin raised a notch. "I will be fine, Commander. I know you bear great burdens and responsibilities…thank you for being here at the end."

She smiled sadly, and her voice threatened to crack. "It was no trouble, really." She turned to go, nodding to him. "Be well, Kolyat." Then she walked out the door, down the hall, past the nurses and doctors, past the receptionist, out the hospital entrance, and finally to the garden where they had shared the briefest of moments.

She sat at the table where they had sat. She exhaled slowly and fell back into the chair, gazing around at the oversized flowers and the greenery and the marble waterfall. If she had come to this place in another time, she might have laughed in delight, sauntered joyfully amongst the flowers, caressed them admiringly, giggled and grinned at the beauty surrounding her.

But Thane had appreciated beauty – as he appreciated all such things – quietly and stoically, with grace and dignity. So she gazed around quietly and stoically, with dignity and hopefully with grace, for him. Her eyes settled on the water cascading down the marble…and finally she smiled.

She stood and started to leave, then paused and looked back over her shoulder at the garden. "Goodbye, Thane Krios. May you at last have the peace that you could never find in this life."


	58. Home

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 58**

"**Home"**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter Note:<strong> So this story just got bumped up to an "M" rating. Probably a long time coming, as the story has gradually become more serious and, well, mature. This chapter isn't lewd or overly graphic by any means but, in addition to an emotional barrage, it is adult and NSFW (aka, "sexyfuntimes") – so children and small furry animals should avert their eyes for…much…of the chapter. _

_If reading that type of thing isn't your style but you want to know what happens with the actual story, you are totally safe reading into Shepard's quarters, then the final section._

* * *

><p>Kaidan stood in the airlock entry, his bag on the floor behind him, leaning against the window and gazing out at the Citadel arms. <em>Waiting.<em>

He tried not to think. He had done nothing but think for the last two weeks. Which was fine, because all that thinking had arguably led him here, now. He did have a sneaking suspicion that all the roads might ultimately lead here, but he had no desire or time to test that theory. This was the road he was on, and he would follow it where it led.

Back to her.

The doors to the Citadel opened and Shepard slowly walked in, looking down, obviously lost in thought. He cleared his throat and she looked up in surprise, a relieved smile blossoming on her face. He found himself mirroring her.

She let out a breath. "There you are…"

"You were looking for me?" _Don't be an idiot, of course she was looking for you. Don't you think she would at least want to talk about what had happened?_

She frowned at him. "Of course I was looking for you."

He nodded and began. "Right…sorry. I had to take care of some things. Listen, I wanted to thank you for letting me handle that mess with Udina, and handle it in my own way. It meant a lot to me that you did." _Ugh…he sounded so formal, proper, not at all how he had meant to sound…_

She smiled, but it seemed wistful…and weary. "I didn't _let_ you do anything, Kaidan. I trusted you. Besides, you're a Spectre now, just like me. It didn't matter that I was there – you got it done."

He sighed, the bitter taste of betrayal and doubt returning unbidden. "Yeah, well, it would appear Udina only made me a Spectre because he thought I could be manipulated…"

She gazed at him tenderly, nothing but sincerity in her eyes. "And they only made me a Spectre so I would chase Saren for them. Few things are perfect, Kaidan, but that doesn't mean they aren't right. You deserve it. The other Councilors agreed, and they had no ulterior motive."

She was…_right_, he realized. Udina may have been a deceitful bastard, but the other Councilors weren't in on it, and they had approved him. The self-doubt that had increasingly eaten at him for the last several hours melted away.

He chuckled lightly and rolled his eyes. "You're right. Thank you. And thank you for trusting me."

He took a deep breath and started pacing slowly. "So there's something I realized in the midst of all the craziness. This is Armageddon, Shepard. It could all be over tomorrow. The simple fact is I don't want to spend the last of my days angry with you. I just don't. So I'm not going to."

_No, wait, that wasn't what he had wanted to say. Well, it WAS __what he had wanted to say, but there was so much more to go with it. Where were those words? It was okay, he reassured himself. There would be time for them later._

She was almost smiling, but it was cautious, uncertain. "I'm glad…"

If he didn't know better he could almost think she looked…_scared_. But that was absurd. Graceyn Shepard had never been afraid of anything in her life.

He nodded decisively. "Now I need to get out there and into this fight. And not surprisingly, it turns out The Show is with you. So…" He met and held her eyes. "With your permission, I was thinking I'd like to join the Normandy crew."

She stared at him, the most peculiar expression on her face. For all her expressions he _had_ seen, he had never seen this one before. He couldn't decipher it. She opened her mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. She blinked.

_Why wasn't she saying anything? He had thought… God, had he lost her forever when he had chased her away at the hospital? Had she decided then that he just wasn't worth the trouble?_ Only now did he realize just how much hope he had let build up inside, as it began to collapse down upon him.

He swallowed hard and looked out the window, unable to hold her gaze another second. His voice sounded hollow, felt disconnected. "Unless of course…you no longer want me to – "

"Of course I want you to!"

He could swear it sounded like a plea, breathy and desperate. The ongoing collapse within him paused, waiting to see what followed. His head swung sharply back to her – but she had turned around, her back to him. That was odd…

"Shepard?"

She didn't look at him, but moved around him towards the airlock, her voice soft and uneven. "Come on, we'll…we'll get you settled…"

He reached out and grabbed her arm as she passed him. "Stop." She complied but looked down, stunning locks of hair cascading down and hiding her face. He didn't understand…

"Look at me…_please_…"

He could hear her suck in a breath…then she looked up at him, chin held high, hair falling back over her shoulders.

Tears were streaming quietly down her face.

The world shifted under his feet, vanished, and was replaced by a world in which this woman that had conquered Reapers, conquered the impossible, conquered even _death_, stood before him vulnerable and exposed. Tearful. He had never known such a world could exist.

His hand slowly drifted up her arm and across her shoulder. When it reached her damp cheek, she blinked, an action that seemed to occur in slow motion. His fingertips gently tried to catch the tears as they fell. He gazed at them in wonder.

"I…I've never seen you cry…"

She made a sound he thought may have been a laugh, but it was cut off by a fresh rush of tears. He stood no chance of catching them all. Her voice was a shaky whisper. "Tell anyone and I'll kick your ass…"

He smiled tenderly. Of course she would.

He stepped forward, only inches separating them. He caught another tear as it fell. He couldn't breathe; his heart was pounding so hard he thought it may burst from his chest any second. _What if he was wrong? It didn't seem possible he could be right. Yet in this new world anything was possible, wasn't it?_

His voice was soft, tentative. "_Graceyn_…are you…is this because of _me_?"

She inhaled raggedly, then the words tumbled out over one another. "Of _course_ it's because of you, I love you so goddamn much and I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to – "

_His heart soared. It had wings and could fly, if he chose. _

He silenced her with the crush of his lips.

She gasped against him then met his lips fiercely. His hand slid from her cheek back into her hair as the other grasped her waist. He felt her hands mirroring his, her fingers burying themselves in his hair as she pulled him into her. Everything around them faded away…three years faded away…there was nothing else but the two of them, no space in between.

If he could breathe he would breathe her in. He gladly settled for tasting her, feeling her warmth beneath his hands, against his lips, pressed to his chest.

_He had been lost, but now he was home._

Overwhelmed, he suddenly pulled back from her mouth and squeezed her tightly against him. His voice quivered, thick with emotion. "Don't you _ever_ leave me alone again, you hear me?"

She mumbled into his shoulder. "Is that an order, Major?"

He ran a hand shakily through her hair. "Damn right it is…"

She managed to pull back enough to look at him, her eyes shining with more than unshed tears, a slight grin pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"Then I have no choice but to follow it." _Dear god how he loved her._

He was vaguely aware of the entryway door opening; she buried her head back into his shoulder, away from prying eyes.

Joker walked in, stopping briefly to nod at him. "Alenko. 'bout time." He – and his companion – continued past them and into the ship.

As the airlock doors closed she raised her head and kissed him softly. He melted into her –

– then pulled back ever so slightly. "Was that a synthetic with Joker?"

"That was just EDI…" she murmured against his lips.

He raised an eyebrow. "When did she get a _body_?"

"Oh, she – " She pulled away slightly and cocked her head at him. "Wait, how do you know about EDI?"

He brushed the hair out of her face and gently tucked it behind her ear, smiling tenderly, fingertips drifting along her neck. "Since I was familiar with the original Normandy's wiring layout, they brought me in for about two weeks to go over the ship, figure out what was different, what might not be included in the schematics. We got to know one another fairly well."

Her eyes narrowed. "That's fine, but EDI was supposed to be pretending to be a VI, for her own protection."

He grinned and leaned in closer. "Oh, she was. I know it's been three years, Shepard, and you may have forgotten, but I'm a very, _very_ good tech."

"It's only been one year for me, and I haven't forgotten…" Her voice faded as she ran kisses along his jaw.

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, all other thoughts vanishing with the sensation of her lips on his skin. He lifted her chin up and drew her mouth to his. His tongue ran teasingly along her lower lip, and as she shuddered against him he could feel the heat rising within. His hand in her hair tightened as he pushed her back against the wall, his mouth slamming into hers.

Her arm slid down his back; when it reached his ass she pulled him against her, and all reason threatened to leave him. His lips brushed across her face, still beautifully damp from tears, and down her neck.

She gasped for breath. "We should…go inside…before anyone else – " she moaned as his lips reached the junction of her neck and shoulder.

He breathed in deeply then lifted his head to hers, his voice soft. "Upstairs inside?"

Her forehead dropped to his, her voice soft. "God yes…"

They spent a moment breathing, and feeling, before he pulled back and nodded. "Okay."

She smiled and ran a hand through her hair, smoothing it back down. He picked up his bag, and together they walked through the airlock.

The ship was quiet but not deserted, some of the crew having returned from the Citadel for the evening. He walked beside her, matching her pace, as a wave of déjà vu swept over him. They had traversed this same path, side by side, in exactly this manner more times than he could count on the original Normandy. This wasn't the same ship, not really…and for the first time, that was okay.

_He was home._

She kept her head forward as they walked the length of the CIC, nodding brusquely to those she passed but careful not to meet their eyes lest they notice the lingering redness from her tears. Their bearing was professional, but somehow their hands kept brushing against one another…

As they rounded the edge of the galaxy map Samantha Traynor looked over in surprise then snapped a salute.

"Major. Commander."

He nodded politely. "Specialist." Shepard smiled briefly as they turned to the elevator.

Traynor watched them curiously, eyes narrowed at their backs. She saw the bag, she saw their hands dance against one another…once, twice, fingertips curving to touch for the briefest second… The sound of the elevator door opening masked her sigh and the quiet "_damn…_" she muttered before turning back to her terminal.

As soon as the elevator door closed and she pressed "1", Shepard looked up. Neither of them realized they were now holding hands. "EDI, I'll be in my quarters. No interruptions unless Priority Red, please."

"Of course, Shepard."

He frowned up the ceiling. "Wait…so she's back in the ship now?"

Shepard looked over at him matter-of-factly. "Oh, she's in both."

He looked at her, then back up at the ceiling, then simply nodded in acceptance. "…of course she is."

The elevator door opened almost immediately, and they stepped out. She opened the door to her quarters then motioned him in ahead of her. As she turned to lock the door, he dropped his bag in the corner then quickly closed the distance back to her.

She leaned against the wall as his hand went to her cheek, falling shakily against it.

"Tell me you love me," he whispered unsteadily. Desperately.

_One more out, one more chance to run, one more gut check before leaping off the cliff._

But deep down he knew that was a lie. He had been lying to himself these last two weeks, telling himself that he had a choice, that he could choose to walk away. The truth was he had leapt off that cliff long ago, and there had never been any going back.

She gazed at him with those impossibly beautiful eyes, in pure honesty, no barriers, no walls, no safeguards. She reached up and ran her hand gently down from his temple and along his jaw, her eyes following its path.

As her fingertips reached his lips her eyes raised to meet his, and she whispered, "More than all the worlds…"

He closed his eyes and fell into her. Into her world, her life, her body.

On reopening his eyes he was immediately captured anew by the intensity of hers. Such an odd color. With his face inches from hers he could see the flecks of black throughout the deep lavender iris. They pulled him away, back in time.

_Their first night before Ilos. Laying in her bed, their bodies half-covered by the sheet, as she told him about her childhood. He had tried to listen to every word that night but had repeatedly gotten lost in her eyes – another fleck of black in the endless sea of pure purple_.

The touch of their lips was tender, tentative and slow. He paused just inches from her, savoring the moment, and then closed his mouth on hers. The taste of her was unforgettable; he had spent long nights after her death alone in his bed, trying desperately to forget it, yet had never been able to.

The tenderness vanished as he crushed his mouth onto hers. He felt both of her hands cup his face, pulling him impossibly closer. Their bodies were locked still but their mouths were ravenous, dynamic and incessant. The kiss became itself, a thing without end. The tension built – their bodies were vibrating, the energy from one pouring into the other as they lost themselves in the moment.

Finally he broke the kiss, pulling back to catch his breath. He wanted to look at her. Her hand, still on his cheek, gently lifted away slightly and he could feel the fingers trembling. Her head titled forward, trying to maintain the contact – chasing him. Her beautiful brow was furrowed in an unspoken plea: 'Come back'.

He did. Recapturing her mouth, he moved his hand to the zipper on the front of her hoodie. With his free hand cradling her head, he pulled the zipper down the length of her body. Curving his hand, he grazed the inside of her left breast through her shirt as the zipper slid by. Her breath caught. Unzipped, she shrugged out of the hoodie and dropped it to the floor, forgotten.

Underneath she was wearing a form fitting black nylon shirt; the pale skin of her toned biceps pushed at the very short shirt sleeve of the arms. He was briefly transfixed by a small, tight pale scar on her inner left arm just below the material. It was on the inside, toward her body and normally hidden from view. It was new.

New from three years ago, but fully healed and fading.

He felt the panic and sorrow threaten to rise in him briefly as he remembered the loss of her, the crushing weight of the pain after she had been blown into space. He kissed her desperately and pulled her closer.

_Never again. _

He had pushed her away on Horizon. She had pushed him away on Earth. Standing here now – kissing her, smelling her, feeling her, tasting her – he swore that he would never let her go.

_Never again. Never._

Sensing his thoughts – or perhaps reacting to the slight falter in his kiss – she moved her hands to his shirt and pulled it out of his uniform pants. Harshly. Jerking him back into the moment. Her hand rushed under the material, pushing itself against the tender skin above his hip and running along to the small of his back. Her touch sent shocks across his entire body. For the briefest of seconds he thought it had been her biotics, but opening his eyes he realized the air around _him _was faintly glowing blue, an unconscious reaction to the simple touch of her hand.

His eyes widened, locking with hers. "Shepard…"

"Shush," she whispered. She gripped the bottom of his shirt with both hands, pulling it up, over his stomach, over his raised arms, then dropping it to the floor, forgotten. Her hands moved to his chest, resting gently on his breastbone. With one hand she traced through the coarse hair downward, circling. A shiver ran down his arm as her palm caressed his chest. His heart pounded and suddenly there wasn't enough air.

A small smile was on her lips as she moved her hand across his chest a last time then slid it between his arm and side, pulling him toward her and back against her mouth. He mirrored her, his hands pulling the nylon of her shirt upward. Their lips broke contact for the briefest time required to get the shirt up and over her head. It landed in a pile next to his shirt, forgotten, as they drank in the overwhelming sensation of skin-on-skin.

He could feel the rise of her breasts pressing against his chest. Looking down he smiled. No lace. Regulation, standard Alliance black microweave fiber. Flame retardant, moisture-wicking, flexible but strong. On a hundred other Alliance female soldiers, it was a throwaway piece of disposable gear. Oh her, it was the most erotic thing he had ever seen.

Her body was firmer, trimmer, tighter and stronger than he remembered, yet her skin was amazingly soft and warm against his. He brushed his hand across her cheek, down her neck, over her shoulder, along her bicep. Gently wrapping his hand around her and running it over her back, he lost his breath at the unusual softness of her skin.

He faltered again, briefly distracted. She hadn't felt this way before, he _knew_ she hadn't…and then it hit him.

Her skin was a year old. Regrown. Fucking Cerberus. _Thank God for Cerberus._

Touching her he could feel the tight, perfect muscles of her body pushing out against the skin of an infant. It felt wrong because no one alive had ever felt a body like the one in his hands right now. Strength and softness, both in extremes. He felt a tear fall from his closed eyelids and he quickly pulled her to him as he deepened the kiss.

_Never again._

He picked her up, pulling her into his arms as her legs wrapped around his body, her mouth never leaving his. Even through her pants he could feel the heat at the juncture of her legs where she was pressed against his stomach. Moving to the left, he stepped over to the edge of her desk and slid her onto its empty surface, his body nestling between her legs.

He took a step back and looked at her. She was a goddess… As he looked, she smiled and let him. It was her crazy, infectious, disarming smile but it was one only he received. In his version, the left side of her mouth rose slightly more than normal, showing more of the teeth on one side. 'Her crooked grin' he had called it. She professed to hate it but never failed to wear it when she was with him. When she did, he could imagine the girl she had been, long before they had met.

Like so many things about her, he had thought that he would never see it again.

She reached her arms behind her body and unclasped her bra, her eyes on him. Shrugging her shoulders forward, she dropped the bra gently and gracefully to the floor as she leaned backward and moved her hands back to the surface. Grinning, he stepped forward and pressed his chest to hers as they embraced. She pushed one hand into his hair, pulling his mouth harder onto hers.

Kissing down to her neck, he opened his mouth over the flesh and darted his tongue along the skin. As she shuddered, he continued downward, mere centimeters of distance between each touch of his lips on her skin. With each kiss, he could hear her breath catch. He struggled to maintain his focus, to bring himself away from his own desire and need; to focus on touching, kissing and caressing her in the ways that would make her vibrate, make her crumble, make her soar and make her love him.

He kissed down her neck, over her shoulder and down the hard curves of her upper arm. He paused, toying with her, before he moved his cheek to touch of the side of her breast, the soft flesh rubbing against the stubble of his five o'clock shadow. She gasped and arched her back, pushing herself against him.

His mind cleared. The fear of loss, the sorrow over the lost time, the nights spent crying in the dark were all gone. In its place was the mission. She was desperate. Needful. She had been strong for everyone else. Since he had met her, she had given everything of herself, even her very life, to the galaxy in an effort to protect what was good and right and to defend all sentient life. But now she was here, lost in the touch of him and letting go. During all of his long nights after Alchera and then again after Horizon he had sworn that if he ever got her back, got her where he had her right now, he would make her happier than any woman had ever been.

He cut his eyes up and stole a look at her face. She was leaning back against the desk, one arm behind her holding herself up while the other ran erratically along his neck and shoulder. Her eyes were closed, head tilted backward, long red hair falling free behind her. He rubbed the rough skin of his cheek along the side of her breast again and as he did her jaw trembled, her back arched and she quickly breathed in. She was waiting for him, giving herself to him.

She deserved this. She had earned it.

He moved his mouth to her breast, closed his lips over her nipple and gently sucked. She moaned as he did it, her hand rushing up to grasp his head as she pushed into him. He teased her, flicking his tongue back and forth as he gently ran his teeth across the sensitive skin, her need bleeding out of her as her body tensed against the desk and him.

Her hand darted awkwardly to the front of his pants, her fingers missing his belt and fumbling at the top of his zipper. He exhaled and froze as he felt the pressure of her hand briefly fumble against his erection. Realizing her mistake and sensing his response, she gripped him through the cloth and squeezed. His resolve disappeared, his focus gone in an instant. He moaned as his face fell against her chest. She quietly chuckled and again started to fumble at his belt. She only succeeded in teasing him mercilessly. He wasn't sure that wasn't her goal.

He pushed himself back from her to allow her better access. She moved her second hand to join the first and his belt was undone in a flash. Her fingers pulled apart the button of his pants, the belt buckle jingling as it moved, and unzipped him. Looking into his eyes she pushed one hand down and inside of his underwear. Her fingers grazed the flesh of his cock, closing around the tip as her hand pushed down onto him.

He sucked in a breath and grabbed the back of her head, kissing her fiercely. She gave into the kiss for a moment before refocusing her efforts. Pushing his underwear down with her free hand, she pulled his erection free and gripped him fully. His head dropped to her shoulder as she slowly pulled her hand forward, tugging at the girth of him. He opened his mouth against her skin, tasting her as he lost himself in the pleasure of her touch. For a few brief seconds he languished and drifted as her hand moved back and forth along the length of him, hardening him more with every stroke.

"Take your pants off," she growled, her mouth next to his ear.

"Yes, ma'am…" He stepped back, away from her to give himself room to undress. She watched him, biting down on her lower lip slightly. He quickly took off his shoes and moved his hands to the hips of his pants. Pulling them down, he dropped them to the floor once they were over his hips and stepped out of them. Looking back up at her he slipped his fingertips into the waistband of his underwear, then paused briefly. Their eyes were locked on each other as he pushed his underwear down.

Nude, he quickly stepped forward between her legs and kissed her as he pressed his body in close, his exposed cock pushed fully against the hard material of her pants. It felt unbelievable. Her hands ran down his back and over his ass as she kissed him violently, needfully . He tried desperately to focus. _Her turn._

He moved his hands to her belt, unbuckling it. He deftly undid her pants, marveling that his hands were even remotely steady, and his hand slipped inside. Starting at the very bottom point he could reach, he trailed one finger upward along the black nylon of her panties as he pulled his face back away from hers. Her eyes were closed again, her mouth half open.

He hooked the tip of his finger inside the waist band of her panties as his mouth moved back to trail kisses along her jawline. He kissed the underside of her jaw, up onto the front of her neck, as he gently pushed the finger downward and inside her panties, grazing it back and forth along the top line of the hair between her legs.

She arched her back as his mouth moved to the top of her chest. Pushing down, he moved his finger slightly lower into the depth of the short hair between her legs. Her legs opened and her hips bucked upward, trying to force him to touch lower. He pulled back slightly, denying her.

She groaned and looked down at him, her lower lip back between her teeth. "Now," she ordered, her hips pushing up again.

"No." he said, his hand moving up again.

"Fuck," she grunted, her head falling back. Suddenly she reached for his exposed hardness but he angled his body slightly away and bumped her wrist with his hip.

"No," he repeated.

"_Fuck_," she moaned, louder.

"Wait," he whispered, leaning forward and moving his mouth onto her right breast. She whimpered.

He knelt down between her open legs, his hands moving to her right boot. He kissed her shin through the pants leg as he reached for her boots. She still tied her laces the same way – the double knot easily letting go when he slipped his finger under the slightly raised looser lace.

New scars, old knots. Exotically new while deeply familiar.

The first boot fell off of her foot, onto the floor; its twin joined it in a few brief seconds. Shifting forward and slightly up, he ran his hands up the outside of her legs, slowing briefly above her knees to gently press his hands and fingers into the hard, taut muscles of her thighs. Reaching her waistband he felt her raise her ass up off the desk, giving him access. Slipping his fingers inside the pants and underwear together he pulled them down. She bit her lip, watching him strip her.

Looking up, her nude body filled his vision – the perfect canvas of her form. Her thin but athletically-muscled runner's legs slightly open. The dark patch of trimmed hair between her legs at the juncture of them. Her muscular stomach above, abs pushing against the skin. The athletic curve of her hips leading up to the modestly shaped perfection of her breasts. The tendons and thin muscles of her shoulders and neck up to the most beautiful face framed by her gorgeous locks of naturally red hair, one falling over her forehead and down over her shoulder, the rest falling back behind her. She leaned back, watching him as he took her in again. They both lingered in the moment.

He kissed her shin, moving his hands back around her legs as he pulled them slightly open. He slid one hand upward across her outer thigh, the other downward to encircle and squeeze her bare foot. He playfully ran a finger between her toes as he continued upward on her inner thigh, kissing and licking every inch. Ever closer.

Her head fell back as she whispered a plea. _"Please…"_

He smiled at her. Shifting his body, he moved his mouth onto her, his tongue pushing forward gently. His mouth encircled all of her and touched her most private skin at the same instant the tip of his tongue found the center of her wetness and gently licked upward, moving into the folds of her. She opened, her lips swollen and her wetness filling his mouth. She gripped his hair as her hips pushed forward, pushing herself into his mouth, a low moan escaping her throat.

As he licked slow circles around her, she pulled one hand away from his head and brought it to her face, then up into her hair. Her body angled back and her legs opened more. He pushed his tongue slightly into her channel and drew it out, dragging upward; her hips bucked forward involuntarily in response. He deliberately grazed the bottom of her clit, circled and then pushed it back onto her firmly. He felt her body losing control, her hips jerking into his mouth, as her body longed for release.

He angled his head back so he could fully envelop her with his mouth while also looking up at her. As he watched her, he fell in love all over again. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her body almost paralyzed and locked in the pleasure he was giving her. Then her hips bucked. Once. Twice. He felt the fingers of her hand shift slightly against the side of his head and she tried to pull him up. Her eyes opened and she gazed at him.

"Come here," she pleaded breathlessly.

Standing, he brought his mouth to hers. He wrapped his arms around her body and braced her as he moved between her legs. Her hands were clasped on the sides of his face, her eyes wide with want and expectation.

"I love you," he whispered.

He angled his hips and entered her, sliding inside fully and feeling himself reach the wall at the back of her. She gasped, her legs opening fully to allow him in, her head dropping forward against his chest. For a few brief seconds they were still, savoring the sensation, gone for so long but never forgotten.

Pulling her head back she met his eyes again. The deep violet contrasted with the red blotches along her cheeks. Her mouth was slightly open, words trying to form. Her hips moved up and down slightly, moving him within her, as the passion rose. As she did, the tip of him dragged against the width of her hidden contours. Slowly he pulled back, inching out. As the tip of him reached her open lips he pushed back in, ever so slowly, as her hips continued to buck slightly. Hungering for him. Starving for what she was already feeling.

"I love you," he whispered again, then choked off the words she was unsuccessfully trying to speak by pressing his lips onto hers.

At first he controlled his slight thrusts in, pushing against specific places inside of her he knew to be sensitive and wanting, then almost withdrawing fully before repeating. She teased him, pulling herself away and making him chase the pleasure of her but then pushing herself back as he moved forward, quickly forcing him fully inside of her. The heat built quickly and they both started to lose control, each thrust becoming more sudden and violent as their naked bodies pressed against each other.

"I…" she started and stopped, her eyes squeezing shut as her head pushed against his shoulder, the onslaught of sensation rendering her incapable of doing or thinking anything but the base carnal need of what they were feeling.

He pulled her body fully onto himself, his strong arms wrapping around her as he lifted her effortlessly off of the desk and across the room. She gasped as he pushed her back against the cold glass of the blue glowing fish tank and used the leverage of the wall and his legs to push himself into her harder.

She could feel him everywhere – almost too much. Reaching up with one hand she grabbed the upper sill, relieved to find it and not once realizing that she had no idea it had been there until she desperately needed it. She pulled herself upward for relief but then quickly pushed herself back down on him when she felt the lack of pressure. Her other hand locked around the hard muscle of his shoulder, taut from the exertion of holding her body in midair.

Wedged against the wall she couldn't move as he pushed himself into and out of her, quickening his pace. Every thrust was more insistent than the last, the fullness of him sliding almost fully out of her before pushing back inside.

The furnace between their bodies was contrasted by the icy coldness of the glass. He held her up with his hands as he thrust himself in and out of her, listening to her breathing in rasps, fits and starts as he took her. The red mane of hair was falling over her face, over her shoulder, against the glass. The fish swam lazily back and forth as he took her, his increasing pace bringing her to the edge and then back again.

Suddenly the act of holding her in midair was too constraining; his hands needed to touch her, feel her, every inch of her. He pulled her away from the wall; she wrapped both arms around his neck and pushed her mouth back onto his. He carried her to the bed, still fully inside of her. Leaning forward he set her back onto the surface of the bed, her body arching back against the softness as she lifted her hips and pushed against him – desperate to maintain the contact.

Together they shifted their bodies fully back onto the bed and for a few brief, perfect seconds they lay there savoring the perfection. Then he pulled himself away gently, sliding out of her as he moved to his left. Kneeling with his lower legs tucked underneath, he pulled her hand toward him. She moved up and over to him, swinging one leg over his as her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her mouth coming back to his. He guided himself back inside as she brought her weight down. They both shuddered, squeezing each other tight.

The world faded away as they lost themselves in one another, their bodies a perfect union. He could sense the rhythmic hum of her biotics vibrating in his skin, and felt his own slowly realign and fall into sync with hers, creating a harmonic melody that seemed to sing to his very soul. Her eyes were glistening as they met his, and he knew she could feel it too.

Then her breath hitched and her eyes glowed, blue swirling into and consuming the violet; a second later her entire body flared. Her orgasm exploded in her, her body shuddering as she collapsed forward onto him. He held her close, milking the waves of pleasure by easing gently in and out of her. For a few brief seconds she let him hold her up and was lost.

But he couldn't keep control as the muscles inside her, contracting and releasing from her orgasm, drove him over the edge. His face dropped into her hair and he cried out as he came, flaring his own bright blue, wisps of dark energy dancing with one another around them as his body released into her with wave after wave of pleasure.

Falling forward he caught himself with one hand and laid her back onto the bed with the other as he pushed himself more fully inside, seeking ever more for them both. Her hips met his thrust, her hands locking on his face as she devoured his mouth. Aftershocks of their orgasms took them. She peaked again and was answered by his hips jerking into her, spilling more of himself deep inside. Wave after wave they pushed each other to more gentle peaks, until they were left gasping for air in between kisses.

When the waves finally quieted he shifted his weight to the side, his body collapsing onto the bed next to her. She rolled onto him, her leg pushing over him as she settled her body against his. Turning his head he kissed her, a smile spreading across both of their lips as they started laughing.

"I love you, Kaidan Alenko," she murmured, her smile an infectious backdrop to the perfection of her words.

He caressed her cheek softly. "And I you, Graceyn Shepard."

He focused on the feel of her body against his. Pulling her tightly to him, he kissed her again as she laughed in release, in relief and in celebration.

He was here. She was here. After all of the years and the pain and the loss, they were back in her bed, on the Normandy, naked and satisfied and in love. He felt the tension, coiled tight deep within for three years, leave his body as he fully accepted the reality of having her, of being hers, of being together in this perfect place at this perfect time.

They watched the stars and the ships above them for a few moments. Then her face moved down and rested against his chest. He felt a warm wetness on his skin, between them and against her face.

"I love you, Kaidan Alenko," she repeated, her voice quivering. Her tears spread onto him as she pushed her face into his chest.

The pure openness and vulnerability in her voice broke him. His tears started falling as he pulled her up to him. He felt as though his heart might burst, though in truth it was finally healing. They cried over damp, tender kisses…then suddenly their bodies were pushing against each other with renewed immediacy and need. He rolled her onto her back as he slid on top of her and back between her legs. Guiding himself inside of her as their lips met, he felt her arms wrap around him.

They made love. Gentle. Slow.

He kissed her tears away even as his own were still falling. With every movement he eased slightly deeper into her. Then he intentionally eased back, positioning himself against the hidden curve of her g-spot, just a few inches inside. He pulsed himself against it as he held her. He smiled and watched as she gasped and bucked, a direct reaction to the careful movement.

It was still right there, right where he remembered.

Controlling himself perfectly he did it again and again, waiting several seconds between as each wave of pleasure took her body. He pushed her slightly higher, slightly farther and slightly closer with each one; back to the immediacy of desire and need as he cradled her body against his. He smiled, unseen by her as she arched her back, her eyes squeezed shut with her head pushed back against the bed.

Pulsing again, he heard her cry out and felt her orgasm take her as she shuddered underneath him.

Then she was grabbing him and pulling him against her as she pushed herself fully over him, forcing him all the way back inside. Kissing her mouth he moved his hips against her open legs, driving himself into and out of her as she gasped against his lips. She froze for a few seconds before a final orgasm took her. Her entire body racked in the bed, her arms squeezing him against her as she lost herself.

With a final deliberate push he let himself go, releasing into her once more. He collapsed onto her; they lay there locked together for an eternity, encircled by the warmth and feel of one another. His vision finally began clearing and he lifted his head slightly. Looking down he found her looking up at him, a smile on her face and a single fresh tear streaking down one cheek.

He kissed it away. "I love you, Graceyn Shepard, and I will follow you to the edge of the galaxy and whatever lies beyond it."

Her eyes shone as her fingertips traced along his jaw then drifted up to his mouth. "We'll go together."

... ... ...

He felt the warmth of her body against him. He slowly opened his eyes to find a mane of luxurious red hair spread across his chest; she was curled up beside him, an arm and leg splayed across him, her head resting just below his collarbone.

_It hadn't been a dream. He was really here; she was really here._

He studied the form that rested against him, tranquil in slumber. His eyes drifted down her toned back, her narrow waist, and fell to the elegant lettering along her curved hip. There had been a tattoo before as well. _Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible sun within us._ He had asked her about it that glorious first night together before Ilos; she had passed it off lightly as something acquired in the flush of youth, when she had entered the Academy and the galaxy had seemed to lay at her feet. She had been right.

That tattoo would not have survived Alchera, of course…he again fought the urge to crush her tightly against him and never let go. He took a few slow, deep breaths to calm his suddenly pounding heart, then carefully studied the new markings. The script was small and discreet, but beautifully done.

_Everyone dies. Not everyone lives._

He smiled to himself. An ancient saying, its origin lost to the sands of time. To most it was a message to not waste one's life – but she had never needed a reminder of that. No, for her and her alone in the universe, it was a literal truth. Everyone died; she alone lived. He suspected it wasn't a reminder so much as an affirmation. _I was dead, but now I live._ God how he loved her.

He idly ran his fingers along her back, smiling as she shivered in delight. She lifted her head and gazed up at him, eyelids heavy with drowsiness. A lopsided grin pulled at her lips. "How long did we sleep?"

He reached down and gently tucked strands of hair behind her ear. "Not long. An hour or so."

"Good." She slid up and kissed him softly, then laid her head on his shoulder. Together they gazed out the viewport in the ceiling at the Citadel arms beyond and the ships flying by.

He kissed the top of her head. "So…not that I want to go anywhere, but I should probably think about getting unpacked sometime today. Where should I stay?"

She propped up on an elbow to look at him. "Here. With me."

His eyes jumped over to hers, widening slightly. She was smiling affectionately, and he lost himself in her seemingly bottomless eyes for a moment. Then he remembered the question, and his brow furrowed in uncertainty. "You don't think it would look improper for – "

"Me to be sleeping with a superior officer?" He watched her cautiously, but there was no trace of bitterness or resentment in her expression, only a mischievous little grin and a twinkle in her eye.

"No…dammit, I'm never going to get used to that. Can't you get Hackett to promote you or something?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Then I wouldn't be 'Commander Shepard', can't have that."

He hugged her closer to him. "You defeat the Reapers and you're going to have to deal with being _Admiral_ Shepard whether you like it or not…no, it's just that if it would make your crew uneasy…"

She crossed her forearms on his chest, propped her chin on her hands and looked up at him. "It's the end of the world, Kaidan. No one cares who's sleeping with whom." She smiled then. "But if it makes you uncomfortable, it's okay, you can stay somewhere else…" Her gaze drifted up to the ceiling, deep in thought. "…let's see, I could kick Allers out of the Starboard Cargo Room, there's a nice bed in there, or – "

_What was he _doing_? He may be a bit on the dense side at times, but surely he wasn't enough of an idiot to actually tell her no…_

"Yes."

She eyed him suspiciously. "Yes _what…_?"

He ran his fingers through her hair and smiled as it fell back down across her cheek. "_Yes_, I'll stay with you."

Her voice was soft. "Are you sure?"

He pulled her up his chest, closer. "Nothing could _possibly_ make me happier."

He kissed her gently, slowly. After a second she relaxed into him, meeting the fullness of his kiss with her own. It might have been the best kiss he had ever experienced as everything, finally and truly, clicked into place and all was right in the world. Reapers be damned; they didn't matter here.

A ridiculously indulgent amount of time later she snuggled back into his chest. He lazily caressed her back while she twirled fingers in his chest hair.

He grinned to himself. "So what, you're going to give me a drawer or something?"

"You can have all the drawers you want. Well, not _all_ the drawers of course. And you'll have to help feed the fish. But…" She raised her head from his chest and gazed up at him, looking for all the world like an angel from heaven, a goddess sent to the mortal world to grant grace to his life.

"…you're not _staying_ with me, Kaidan – I want you to feel comfortable. I want this to be your place too."

She stretched up and kissed him softly. "Welcome home, my love."

_He had been lost, but now he was home._

He leaned down and returned the kiss. "Thank you – " He pulled back and raised an eyebrow. "I have to feed the fish?"

She rolled her eyes. "I said _help_ feed the fish. But yes – they are my friends and they deserve proper respect and care."

His brow furrowed. "I'm thinking you may have a few more stories to tell me about your recent adventures…"

She shimmied up, sliding fully on top of him. Her lips swept across his with a feather-light touch; her tongue traced back along his bottom lip maddeningly slowly. She met his eyes, a smile pulling at the edges of her mouth.

"Probably. _Later…_"


	59. Bugs, Biotics and Breathless Moments

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 59**

"**Bugs, Biotics and Breathless Moments"**

* * *

><p><em>We stand before you. What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to fade away once more?<em>

Old decisions come round again…but for what? To bite her in the ass? To give her a second chance to choose another path? To right a wrong, or turn wrong a right?

The yawning blackness of the cavern swirled around her, ghosts whispering in the silence. Shepard looked up at the chained Rachni Queen, towering over her from the black.

"How did this happen? You told me you wouldn't try to harm anyone. Dammit, you told me you would _help_ me when the Reapers came. I took a tremendous risk when I released you; I chose to trust you when no one else would. And now I find you like _this_, breeding an army for the Reapers! Goddammit!"

The Queen's voice reverberated from the mouths of a dozen dead Krogan, almost but not quite in unison, creating a multi-tonal harmony that could almost resemble the music of the true Rachni language. "We did not wish this, Shepard. We did as we promised, we retreated, we began to build a new life for our children. But the sour yellow note of the enemy invaded our home, turned our children against us, eventually enslaved us. The discordant song of the enemy bombards our mind even now, though we resist it still. But the children we birth, they hear no song but that of the enemy, and are lost to us yet again."

Shepard pursed her lips in frustration and gazed around the cavern, looking for an answer in the shadows. Instead she found Vega peering closely at one of the webbed Krogan. He reached up and poked at its lips.

She hissed sharply, "James!"

He turned quickly to her, shrugging. "What? It's damned weird!" She glared at him threateningly. "Fine, fine, I'll stop…"

Her gaze slid away from him and back towards the Queen, but caught Kaidan watching her along the way. She couldn't entirely suppress a grin at the fact that he was really, truly here. Covered in gore and goo from an assortment of Husks, but _here_.

He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully, looking up at the Queen then back at her. "You know, Shepard, it doesn't sound like she betrayed your trust. Assuming you believe her of course, she kept the promise she made to you on Noveria. Maybe she's just an unwilling pawn, like so many others."

Garrus huffed in exasperation. "How would you know? I don't seem to remember _you_ being on that mission, Kaidan."

Kaidan looked over his shoulder, his expression calm. "No, Garrus. I wasn't. But am I wrong?"

Garrus' mandibles fluttered. "No…you're not. It's just that, what the Rachni did to my people…we were nearly wiped out."

Shepard glanced sideways at him, an intrigued look on her face. "You didn't question my decision last time, Garrus."

He met her gaze. "No, I didn't. Back then I was still completely in awe to be standing in the shadow of Commander Fucking Shepard – no way was I going to challenge you."

She raised an eyebrow. "And now?"

He smiled a little. "Now I've seen your scars."

She opened her mouth to retort when the voices sang around them. "The enemy soured the songs of our mothers' mothers. Their actions were not their own. We mean no harm to those who walk the worlds of the galaxy."

Shepard looked back up. "So you _do_ believe the Reapers instigated – "

"Shepard!" Grunt squawked from her comm. "Those bugs are coming back; we need to get out of here!"

"Right – just _hold on_ a second." She stared up at the Queen. "If I release you, you'll help us against the Reapers?"

The Queen shuddered, and the walls of the cavern shook. "We will keep our vow to you. As we once promised, our voice will join with yours and our crescendo will burn the darkness clean. We will do so for our children – for all that have been lost, and for all that may yet be."

Shepard closed her eyes and listened to the silence. The Rachni hadn't done anything wrong. Their Husks were no more culpable than the growing hordes of human or Turian Husks, turned into mindless zombies, no longer what they were. The Queen had been captured against her will, bound and chained in the inky blackness, forced to birth untold children only to have them stolen from her.

"Shepard…" Grunt growled from her comm. She opened her eyes, pulled up her rifle and quickly shot out the remaining restraints.

The Queen swayed, sinking low, but did not collapse; then she found her strength and slowly stood tall. Suddenly an explosion of color burst into Shepard's mind – purples and reds and blues swirling around a starburst white center. "Thank you, Shepard. The Rachni will sing again, because of you."

She blinked roughly, trying to clear halos that lingered in her mind but not her vision. She looked quickly over at Kaidan. "Did you _see_ that?" His head shook questioningly.

The sounds of skittering Rachni echoing through the cavern pulled her back into the moment. She nodded quickly. "Let's go." She hit her comm on the run. "Grunt, we're on our way to you. Tell your men to make sure the Queen gets out safely."

"WHAT! Dammit I always knew you were insane! I can't – "

She leapt up onto the rocky ledge and motioned the guys into the tunnel ahead of her as the skittering behind them grew ever louder. "Just do it!"

The Rachni started pouring in at the T-junction of several tunnels. James threw two frag grenades into the dark left tunnel and they ran down the right tunnel. It opened into a small cavern and to Grunt laughing over a sea of dead Rachni.

"About time, Shepard! You and all that _talking_ you insist on doing. Come on, the exit's this way – " A horde of Rachni began pouring out from the tunnel below them even as skittering sounds echoed behind them. The cavern and tunnels shuddered, rocks raining down on them from the ceiling.

Grunt snorted. "Looks like your Rachni Queen is finding her _own_ way out, and it's going to bring down the entire cave network." He pumped his shotgun. "Get outta here, Shepard. I got this."

She grabbed his arm. "Now you're the one that's insane – come on, let's go!"

"Can't risk any getting out, Shepard." He grinned at her. "You taught me to be fearless – time for me to be it. Now get your ass outta here before I have to save it!"

She clasped his shoulder and nodded tightly, gazing up at him for a second with a slight smile before turning and running. She could hear his cackle echoing through the cavern as they sprinted up the tunnel.

They stumbled into the sunlight as the caverns collapsed behind them with a thunderous roar. Several members of Aralakh Company trudged wearily up the hill ahead of them. She stopped and looked back at the cave entrance, a faint cloud of dust and debris already obscuring it, and sighed quietly. She hit her comm. "Cortez, we're ready for a pickup at my coordinates. I need you to give a couple of Krogan a ride over to their shuttle, then come back for us."

As the shuttle lifted off with its Krogan cargo a few minutes later, she plopped herself down in the dirt, pulling up her knees and draping her arms over them. Kaidan sat down next to her, wiping dirt and an unidentified substance from his brow before mimicking her pose, draping his arms over his knees such that his elbow barely touched hers. Even through the armor it was soothing, slowing her racing heartbeat and calming her racing thoughts.

Garrus squatted on her other side but didn't sit down. "I've got to say, I was never really sure about Grunt. But it turned out that when it mattered, he didn't hesitate to take the leap."

She chuckled, shaking her head ruefully. "He was a crazy S.O.B, but a fearless one."

James sprawled out flat in the dirt in front of them, crossing his hands behind his head then settling back against them. "So, Shepard…Reapers, Collectors, Thorian, Rachni…are there any mysterious, long-lost aliens you _haven't_ danced with?"

She squinted up at the hazy yellow sky. "Well, I haven't actually _met_ a Prothean…though they do live in my head, so arguably that counts."

His hand waved dismissively in her direction. "Bah, the Collectors were once Protheans, that's cheating. I mean something _cool_, like – "

She jumped to her feet and was sprinting down the slope towards the cave entrance before anyone else could blink.

Kaidan knew better than to stop and wonder why before chasing after her. When he caught up to her she was kneeling in the cloud of dust still emanating from the collapsed cave, her arms grasping…all he could see was a large mound of blood and gore. He took a deep breath and knelt down, feeling around until he found an arm; he struggled to get a firm hold through the slippery gore coating it.

She looked over at him, her eyes sparkling through the haze. "You ready?" _God how he loved her. Being here with her. Watching her smile, watching her shine…watching her soar._ He nodded, and together they lifted, struggling to a standing position. The Krogan held between them stumbled, nearly pulling them all back down to the ground, then found his feet. They took a step forward together, then another.

Grunt looked over at Shepard, giving her a toothy grin through the blood. "My battlemaster…" He suddenly sagged heavily against them.

"A little help here!" She yelled up the hill, and a second later Garrus and James appeared. They carefully passed Grunt off to the undeniably larger men as the sounds of the shuttle approaching reverberated through the air.

As they walked on ahead towards the shuttle she glanced over at him. "Everything okay between you and Garrus?"

Kaidan smiled vaguely but didn't look at her. "Sure."

She stared at him unblinkingly, her eyes burning a hole through his head. He bit his lower lip and gave in, meeting her stare. "We'll work it out."

Her eyes narrowed.

He chuckled lightly and touched her shoulder briefly. "We'll _work it out_."

She rolled her eyes and lifted her hands in surrender. "Okay. I won't meddle."

They reached the shuttle then turned and waited for the others to arrive, helping them heft Grunt into the shuttle. She leaned into the cockpit. "Lieutenant, let Dr. Chakwas know she has another familiar patient on the way to her."

Then she squatted down next to Grunt and did her damnedest to keep him conscious and talking on the ride back. In an act of desperation, the last five minutes consisted of the absolute worst jokes she knew. James grimaced in physical pain, Kaidan shook his head in disbelief, and Garrus frowned in puzzlement – but Grunt laughed, and that was what mattered.

Aboard the Normandy, they got Grunt to the Med Lab only to be met with Chakwas' trademark frown. "Oh dear…" was all she said before taking charge and shooing everyone except her med techs outside.

Shepard sagged against the wall outside the Med Lab, took two long, deep breaths, then pushed back off the wall and looked over at Kaidan. "Come on, we need to go talk to Joker and EDI about finding the Migrant Fleet. It's about damn time the Quarians got themselves into this fight."

He smirked at her as they stepped into the elevator. "'We'? And what is it exactly that I'm bringing to this discussion?"

Her head dropped against his shoulder as they leaned against the back of the elevator. "Moral support, of course."

He relaxed into her, his hand lightly grasping hers. "Moral support for what?"

"Watching Joker and EDI's excruciatingly painful mating dance," she deadpanned as the elevator doors opened.

He followed her out. "Are they really…?"

She looked back over her shoulder at him, wearing a wry grin. "Yes…it would seem they are."

He frowned. "But – "

Traynor turned suddenly as they passed her. "Commander, do you have a minute?"

"Sure." Shepard started to lean against Traynor's station, then realized she was still covered in blood and gore; she placed an ungloved and thus clean hand on it instead.

"We've picked up a distress call from Grissom Academy; it indicates they are under some sort of attack."

"Reapers?"

"No, ma'am…at least, there aren't any reports of Reaper activity in the system."

Shepard sighed thoughtfully. "Are there any other ships closer that can take the call? We already went way the hell out here as a favor to Wrex, and now we _really_ need to head for the Migrant Fleet – Hackett's going to have my ass if I don't deliver him some Quarian support and soon."

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest and gazed over at her. "Shepard, you might want to think about taking this one."

She turned to him, concern evident in her expression. "Do you have friends teaching there?"

"Not really. But Anderson's girlfriend runs the place."

Her eyes widened incredulously and she slowly stood up straighter. "His…_girlfriend_?"

He grinned mischievously at her. "Yup."

A broad smile slowly spread across her face. "Well who would've thought…EDI, set a course for Grissom Academy, priority speed."

The response came not from the speakers, but from behind her. "Of course, Shepard."

She jumped and turned around to find EDI-in-a-body standing beside the galaxy map. "EDI, you really need to work on worsening your stealth skills."

EDI frowned questioningly. "I do not understand."

"Never mind. How long will it take us to get to Grissom?"

"Approximately 5.6 hours."

She glanced up at the clock. "Nighttime raid then. I'll give Garrus and James a break, they _did_ haul Grunt all the way up that hill and everything. EDI, you up for it?"

EDI's chin lifted slightly. "I am always 'up for it', Shepard."

She grinned. "Right. Let Liara know she'll be going too, in case she wants to take a nap beforehand." She gingerly pulled matted strands of hair out in front of her face, frowning as she picked at a clump of gore stuck in them. "As for me, shower…" Her eyes slid over to Kaidan for only the briefest second before she turned towards the elevator.

Traynor glanced over her shoulder. "Commander, are you sure Liara sleeps?"

Shepard shook her head slowly. "No, Traynor, I'm honestly not. But let her know anyway, just in case." She headed for the elevator, glaring at the strands of hair outstretched in her hand.

The elevator doors opened and Vega trotted out, nodding to Shepard as he passed her. "Just going to grab Joker for some five-card stud." Kaidan turned towards the elevator to follow Shepard in, and as he did so Vega gave him a smirk and a little thumbs up.

He cringed. This was…awkward. In any other universe of circumstances, also unprofessional and risking a breakdown in shipboard discipline. He watched Shepard as she stepped into the elevator, still playing gingerly with her hair. On the other hand, this was _this_ universe of circumstances, and…_shower_. He glanced up at the Lieutenant, shrugged mildly, and followed her into the elevator, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

... ... ...

Liara leaned forward in the shuttle seat, arms resting on her thighs. She breathed out harshly, then looked up. "Shepard, are you sure this is the best use of our time? I understand that there are children at risk, but…"

EDI turned to Liara. "The biotics students at Grissom Academy are considered to be of the highest potential among second-generation human biotics. They could be a valuable asset for the war effort."

Shepard grinned brightly. "Anderson's girlfriend is there."

Liara frowned. "Okay, but – "

Her expression turned serious. "I think I probably owe him a favor or two by now…" Back to a grin. "Besides, I want to _meet_ her."

Liara watched Shepard thoughtfully. She was so damn happy; she positively _glowed_. Liara hadn't seen her this happy since the days immediately following Sovereign's defeat, if even then. It was a sight to behold. _That's what you want, right? If you can't have her, you at least want her to be happy – right?_ She glanced up at Shepard again; she was sharing a joke with EDI. _Yes. It is._ Okay then. She nodded to herself, silently setting aside a part of her heart until it may be needed again, should she survive this apocalypse.

She smiled up at Shepard. "Should be fun _and_ rewarding then."

The shuttle swung to the side suddenly, avoiding the Cerberus fighters chasing the Normandy away from the Academy. EDI smiled. "Joker will be enjoying himself currently."

Shepard gazed at EDI, a startlingly perceptive expression on her face, as she nodded slowly. "I imagine he will be."

Cortez glanced over his shoulder. "We're coming into the side bay now, Commander."

She nodded brusquely, suddenly all business. "Drop us in, Lieutenant, then stick around so long as those fighters stay away."

"Aye aye, ma'am." The shuttle swooped into the bay, door opening as it swung in.

Her comm immediately started squawking. "Do you read me? This is Kahlee Sanders, I'm locked in the Security Office, it's – "

Shepard settled her feet onto the floor at a jog then hit her comm. "Boots on the ground and we're on our way to you, Ms. Sanders. ETA two minutes."

There were only a few Cerberus commandos between them and the Security Office. Shepard nudged the last one over onto his back with her toes, then kicked his helmet off, revealing the electric white rivulets of Reaper tech beneath. She stared at the body for a moment, shaking her head in disgust and muttering under her breath. "Fucking Illusive Man, I swear I will rip his throat out…"

The door lock turned green and she glanced behind her. "Liara, EDI, keep a look out for incoming commandos."

As she stepped inside the room a striking blonde, blue-eyed woman – all the more striking because natural blonds were so rare and her pale skin betrayed the naturalness of it – stood up from the bank of terminals, hand outstretched.

"Kahlee Sanders."

Shepard smiled, grasping her hand warmly. "Graceyn Shepard."

Kahlee smiled genuinely despite the obvious strain she was under. "Commander, it's a pleasure. David – Admiral Anderson – speaks of you often, in the highest terms."

"Please, just Shepard…and the pleasure is all mine."

Kahlee turned to Kaidan, her brow furrowing slightly. He reached out and shook her hand. "Kaidan Alenko. We met briefly several months ago on the Citadel."

Recognition bloomed in her eyes. "Yes, I remember. You worked closely with David when he was a Councilor, right?"

He nodded politely. "Yes, ma'am."

Kahlee smiled warmly at them both, head dipping in appreciation. "Please, just Kahlee." Then a cloud passed across her eyes, and Shepard turned professional.

"We know it's Cerberus attacking. What's the situation?"

Kahlee turned to the security panels, pulling up several camera feeds. "There are only a small number of students remaining here, thankfully. Most of them were evacuated when news of the Reaper invasion hit, but some insisted on remaining; they've been training nearly around-the-clock in anticipation of joining the fight. They're cut off from us, stuck over in Orion Hall with one of our instructors." She looked up, a calm but somehow desperate look on her face. "Save them for me if you can."

Shepard nodded confidently. "We will. Stay here and talk me through the layout and we'll get them out, I promise."

Kahlee nodded, then looked up suddenly. "Shepard, you should know – " Sirens suddenly blared, the sound bouncing off the walls.

Kahlee shouted over the siren's wail. "Orion Hall is out the next door then to the left!"

"Got it." They moved out, guns drawn. As they neared the end of the hallway Kaidan glanced over at her. "So, what did you think?"

She grinned. "I think Anderson's _way_ out of his league…"

Kaidan chuckled then followed her out the door, pushing a _barrier_ out to cover them all as the bullets began flying.

They pushed Cerberus commandos down the next hallway and into a classroom. Shepard rolled her eyes – stupid of them to let themselves get cornered like that. Not so stupid that they didn't leave a proximity mine inside the door, of course; Kaidan picked up a crushed shield generator and tossed it through the doorway, turning away from the resulting explosion.

She blew a _shockwave_ through the entrance to push back any remaining commandos then crouched low as Liara came up beside her and created a _singularity_ at the outer edge of the _shockwave_. They stepped in and carefully cleared the room.

There were no desks in the classroom. There was a row of terminals along the front wall; the other three walls and the back half of the floor were lined with mats. A mini-fridge sat in the corner, the glass door revealing it to be stocked full of energy drinks; a case of energy bars sat atop it. Along the front wall above the terminals hung a poster:

"The Five Commandments of Biotics:

1. Always stay well-hydrated; eat early and often.

2. Defense before offense – protect yourself and others.

3. Understand your surroundings; check for civilians.

4. Know your strength; know your limit.

5. Use your power for good."

Kaidan stared up at the poster, finally huffing a quiet laugh before turning away. She sidled up beside him. "What?"

He smiled thoughtfully. "I'll tell you later."

Liara looked around from the center of the room, puzzled. "Strange…for Asari, biotics are simply part of who we are. We are taught to use them, of course, but it is merely a natural part of our education. It is not given any more special attention than history or mathematics."

Shepard nodded. "Maybe one day it will be like that for us, but that day is a while off yet." She jerked her head towards the door. "Come on, let's move."

They vaulted over the broken window separating the halls…then ran straight into an electric barrier over the door to Orion Hall.

"EDI, you're up."

"Of course, Shepard." She walked up to the field blocking the door and placed her palm firmly in the middle of it. Orange streams of electricity shot out of her fingertips; the field shimmered and crackled, sparks flying out, then vanished in an expanding circle from her palm.

Shepard patted EDI on the shoulder on the way through the now open doorway. "That was just _cool_."

EDI's head tilted to the side. "I am glad you approve."

Shepard quickly slid into cover as grenades flew from out of her field of vision into the large, open hall ahead of half a dozen Cerberus commandos.

She lobbed a cluster grenade then pulled up her rifle and sighted down on the lead commando; just as she pulled the trigger, a massive _shockwave_ sent the entire Cerberus squad flying ten meters through the air, slamming them against the back wall. From the far left stairwell came a brilliant blue _barrier_ – another team of commandos rushed through the door, only to be _thrown_ down the stairs by the person behind the _barrier_, which didn't even waver. A loud voice could be heard as the person rapidly moved down the stairs. "Samuels, get your ass back upstairs! Rodriguez, your _barrier_ isn't strong enough, I can tell from here!"

Shepard's eyes slowly widened at the sound of the voice that came with the incredibly powerful biotic. She stood up from cover and stepped out to get a better look. "Oh dear god…"

Kaidan came up beside her, figuring she wouldn't be standing out in the open if she didn't have a good reason. "What is it?"

"It's Jack."

He looked over at her in puzzlement. "Jack?" His eyes narrowed. "Not 'Jack' as in your Collector crew 'Jack'?"

"Yup."

He slowly nodded. "This should be…interesting."

"Yup."

Jack reached the bottom of the stairs then did _something_ they didn't even have a name for with a targeted bolt of biotics – it hit the last commando in the chest and slung him tumbling down the stairs. Only then did she look over at the four bystanders by the door.

"Shepard?" Her _barrier_ dropped immediately as she stomped over to them. "I _warned_ you about fucking Cerberus!" When she reached Shepard her arm suddenly pulled back. Shepard just stood there calmly; at the last second she raised her forearm and blocked the incoming punch.

"You'll never be too fast for me, Jack, you should know that by now."

Jack scowled. "Yeah, fuck you too, Shepard."

They stared at each other for a long moment before Jack's eyes cut briefly over to Kaidan. "Got your boy-toy back, I see." Shepard merely raised an eyebrow in response.

Finally Jack rolled her eyes dramatically. "Fine, whatever. Come on, I'll introduce you to my students."

Shepard's arms crossed over her chest as she leaned back. "Your _students_?"

Jack was already walking away; she didn't stop or turn around, merely yelling over her shoulder. "Yes, I'm a _teacher_. Don't get your panties in a twist, Shepard. Now are you coming or what?"

Shepard let out a long breath, gesturing forward as she looked sideways at Kaidan before heading up the stairs. "That's Jack."

What she found in the control room upstairs was Jack…_teaching_. Teaching teenagers, who were…_listening_. Her demeanor was still brash and outlandish, but the undertone in her voice wasn't biting or hateful; it was caring and…_sweet_.

_I'll be damned._

"Everybody – Commander Shepard and friends. Shepard – everybody. There, introductions done. Guys, finish those energy drinks and take a breath. We move in three." Jack spun around. "Okay, Shepard. How do you plan to get us past your old friends?"

Shepard's expression darkened. "For the hundredth time Jack, they were _never_ my – "

Jack grinned mischievously. "I know…I just like watching you fume."

"Uh-huh. We just need to hack the doors downstairs and get to the shuttles."

"What, through the Atrium?"

She shrugged. "You tell me, Jack. I'm just a visitor, you're the one that works here…" She shook her head slowly, still hardly believing it.

Jack nodded thoughtfully, wandering away from the students and over to the balcony. "Yeah, that makes sense, we can get through there – " She looked over at Shepard suddenly. "Is Kahlee alright?"

Shepard nodded and joined her at the balcony. "She's fine; she's going a back way to meet us at the shuttles."

Jack smiled. "Good. Can't leave her here."

Shepard rested her forearms on the ledge, leaning forward casually. "Jack, does Kahlee know about your past?"

Jack hopped up on the ledge, legs swinging freely. "Sure…mostly. I might have left out one or two details. But she's cool, Shepard. Believes in giving someone a fair chance." Her eyes narrowed slightly, belying the twinkle in them. "Kind of like you. Maybe. A little."

Shepard nodded slowly, smiling genuinely. "I'm glad. I have to say, it looks like you're doing good work here."

Jack fidgeted then hopped back down from the ledge, turning and leaning against it alongside Shepard. "I thought maybe I shouldn't throw away the chance you gave me, try out the straight and narrow for a while. Turns out I can do some good…make sure these kids learn better lessons than I did."

Shepard grinned over at her. "Are you going to try to hit me again if I tell you I'm proud of you?"

Jack scowled. "Definitely."

Shepard chuckled and pushed off the ledge. "Alright, I'll keep it to myself then. Come on, we had better head out."

Jack fell in beside her as they walked back into the control room. "So I recognize your boy-toy and the uptight blue chic, but who's the synthetic?"

"_His_ name's Kaidan, _her_ name's Liara, and that's…EDI."

"You're shitting me."

"Nope. It's a long story."

"I'm sure…" Her voice raised a notch. "Hey EDI, you got any of Joker's extranet downloads on you? I need some new smut to pass the long nights with."

EDI turned around and smiled. "Just a moment…yes, I'm transferring them to your Omni-tool now. It is good to see you again, Jack."

Jack's Omni-tool flickered as her eyes widened briefly. "…thanks, EDI. Good to see you too…" She turned slightly towards Shepard and muttered under her breath. "Wow. You've got your hands full, don't you?"

"You have _no_ idea."

Jack stepped forward, her demeanor instantly transforming from casual ease to hard-ass drill sergeant. "Alright kiddies, listen up…"

Shepard stepped away and touched her comm. "Kahlee, everyone's okay here and we're ready to move out."

"That's wonderful news, thank you, Comm– Shepard. I'm making my way through the service corridors, no sign of Cerberus so far."

"Good. Oh, and Kaylee, I don't think we've known each other _nearly_ long enough for you to be leaving surprises for me like that."

There was a pause, then a slight chuckle over the comm. "You mean Jack."

"Yes I do."

"Sorry about that. I was about to tell you when the sirens went off, I promise."

"_Sure_ you were. For what it's worth…she looks good, no doubt thanks to you."

"And you, Shepard. See you at the shuttles."

She nodded for them to move out. Jack grabbed a backpack from the corner, starting to sling it over her shoulder when it fell open, spilling several items onto the floor. Shepard was already headed out the door when she glanced down, catching a glimpse of several miniature ships and a…_teddy bear_.

Her eyes slowly raised to Jack, crouched on the floor stuffing everything back into the pack. Jack quickly zipped it up and stood, looking over at Shepard as she did.

"What?"

"You…you have a teddy bear…"

Jack shrugged slightly. "Yeah, so?"

A grin spread across Shepard's face, eyes lighting up in amusement. "It's a _teddy bear_."

Jack's eyes narrowed defiantly. "And it's mine. Deal with it." She turned and stomped through the door, chin held high. Shepard stood another moment, watching Jack adjust the backpack as she jogged down the hallway.

_I'll be damned._

By the time she met up with everyone downstairs, Kaidan had the door hacked. They were stepping through the doorway when a calm, measured voice boomed from the overhead speakers.

"Students of Grissom Academy, the station is sealed. The Alliance soldiers cannot save you; all they can do is get you killed. Surrender now and you will not be harmed."

The young brunette student glanced around nervously. "What if they're telling the truth and won't hurt us? Maybe we should at least listen?"

Shepard spun around, eyes flaring brightly. "You want to listen? Then listen to _me_, very carefully. Cerberus projects an innocent image with a tantalizing message. But make no mistake – they are killers through and through. If you aren't useful to them they'll kill you now. If you _are_ useful to them, they'll invite you in, stick a control chip in your head and Reaper tech in your veins, then send you back out to die for their cause. If you're lucky, you'll die before the Reaper tech indoctrinates you and turns you against your friends and family. If you have second thoughts about your choice, that control chip will fire and steal your free will from you. One way or the other, in the end you'll just die. Don't you _dare_ listen to them. Stand and fight them."

The students' heads nodded quickly in unison, their eyes wide. Her expression relaxed and she smiled gently. "Good for you."

Kaidan came up beside her as they headed through the door, leaning in close to her ear. "That _might_ have been a little much, Shepard."

She looked over and met his eyes for a moment, then nodded tightly. "Maybe. But if it keeps them alive and on our side…" She tapped the door at the end of the hallway open and stepped into the Atrium.

"Damn." He rejoined her, gazing around at the view. The Atrium was a beautiful multi-leveled garden, filled with greenery and flowers and stone benches in quiet alcoves.

And Cerberus commandos.

And two Atlas mechs.

Shepard sighed dramatically. "A shame. It was a nice garden." Her eyes narrowed determinedly on the nearest Atlas. "Let's get to work."

... ... ...

"The square root of 906.01 is – "

"30.1." The young man looked up from his crouched position, and as he met her eyes –

_– the walls, the ceiling, the floor were electricity, a perfect grid of light and power, pulses racing along in intricate patterns. Her brain tingled and twitched as she watched the pulses flow, and understood –_

She felt Kaidan's hand on her elbow, steadying her as she fell against him. "Shepard! Are you okay?"

She blinked, and the grid was gone. Everything was normal. She stared at David Archer as he stood. "Yeah…I'm okay…"

"Commander Shepard. I remember you. You helped me. You made it quiet."

_Did I? _She took a deep breath, pushing the vision away, and smiled. "David, it's good to see you again. You look well."

He nodded slowly. "Yes. They are good to me here."

"I'm glad." She looked around at the other students. "We're headed for the shuttles to get you guys out of here. Come with us."

As they ushered the students down the hall, Kaidan fell in beside her. His voice was low. "Shepard, what was that? Are you really okay?"

She smiled absently. "I'm fine. That was…that was just a memory."

... ... ...

The hologram of Anderson flickered to life, and she smiled at him. "Good to see you still alive and kicking, Anderson."

He nodded wearily. "Me too. What's the news out there?"

"Short version – nothing new on the Reapers other than more destruction; the Crucible Project is picking up steam; Cerberus is fucking _everywhere_."

"Goddamn Illusive Man, doesn't he know he's just making things easier for the Reapers?"

She gazed at him speculatively. "Yes, I believe he does. But enough about all that – I have a surprise for you that I think might brighten your day."

He scowled. "A _surprise_?"

She grinned mischievously. "Excuse me just a minute – stay on the line."

She stepped into the War Room – now brightly-lit after the last trip to the Citadel – and over to Kaylee, leaning against the circular command center chatting with Kaidan. "You can go talk to him now. Take as long as you like; just hit 'disconnect' when you're done."

Kahlee smiled brightly, clasping Shepard's hands in hers. "Thank you _so_ much, I can't tell you how much this means to me."

Shepard returned the smile. "Glad to do it."

As Kahlee walked into the Comm Room Shepard leaned back against the command center next to Kaidan. He looked over at her, a bemused grin on his face.

"I had no idea you were such a romantic."

She rolled her eyes at him. "I'm just intrigued by the idea of Anderson being _in love_; it's just so…cute!"

He laughed heartily, pushing off the table and grabbing her hand. "Never say 'Anderson' and 'cute' in the same sentence again, please. Come on – it's late and we still have work to do."

... ... ...

Shepard threw the datapad on the table and sank back against Kaidan on the couch, sighing tiredly. "What are the Quarians doing in Geth space? I don't like it."

He reached over and set his own datapad more carefully down on the table. "The Migrant Fleet's activities have actually become increasingly mysterious over the last several months…but I'm sure they have a good reason."

She grumbled. "I'm not."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer against him, kissing the top of her head. "Regardless, we'll find out soon enough."

They lay there quietly for several minutes, slowly letting the stress of the day seep away…but she could _hear_ him thinking, _feel_ that complicated brain running around in circles. She smiled to herself. "Whatcha thinking about?"

He chuckled tiredly, realizing she was on to him. "I just have to wonder what my life would have been like if someplace like Grissom Academy had existed when I was a teenager. If I had never gone to BAaT, but instead to someplace where they nurtured the biotic students. Someplace welcoming and comfortable, where you weren't made to feel like a freak. Someplace where I wouldn't have killed an instructor."

She had thought the school looked interesting as well; it _would_ have been refreshing to learn in such an environment. She hadn't even known she was biotic until the attack on Mindoir; she had been nearly seventeen before being fitted with an implant. They had instructed her on using biotics at the Academy but, it still being the early days of human biotics, the lessons had been fairly rudimentary. She had read materials on the subject in her spare time, sought out others who could teach her, and practiced. Like so many things for her, once she understood how they worked, biotics had come naturally. But at the end of the day, they were just a tool for her, another weapon in her arsenal.

Kaidan, on the other hand…between losing control with Vyrnnus and having to live with the stress of the L2 implant, biotics were a much more complex and personal matter for him.

She brought his hand to her lips and kissed the knuckles softly. "I wish you had had an easier time of it; you didn't deserve what happened to you. But I think maybe you wouldn't be the man you are today if it hadn't. You might not have the inner strength, the unbelievable self-control…you might not have the perspective on life you do."

He was silent for a moment. Finally he exhaled slowly, relaxing into the couch. "Yeah. You're probably right. Our trials make us who we are. Still…would have been a hell of a lot less angsty and more fun."

She smiled and snuggled back against him. Her eyes were starting to close when he suddenly sat up straighter. "Oh, I can't believe I forgot to ask you – did Thane make it through the coup attempt okay? The last time I saw him he was headed to C-Sec."

She shook her head sadly against his chest. "No. Kai Leng got him. He died, but not before saving Councilor Valern's life."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Shepard. He seemed like a good man."

She lifted her head and looked back at him curiously. "I didn't realize you two had become friends."

"Eh, I wouldn't say 'friends', exactly; we only talked a few times. But he was an interesting guy. Anyway, I'm sorry."

She smiled thoughtfully. "Thanks. He was…content…in the end. He had his son there with him, and a chance to say goodbye."

"And you?"

She raised an eyebrow idly. "Hmm?"

"And he had you there, too?"

Her brow furrowed slightly. "Oh…yes, I was there."

He smiled tenderly, reaching up and tucking stray strands of hair behind her ear. "Good. He loved you, you know."

She twisted fully around to stare at him incredulously. "Why would you think that?"

"Because he told me."

Her eyes briefly grew a little wide before narrowing sharply at him. "He _told_ you."

He nodded. "Yep. I think he may have had an ulterior motive though, like forcing me to get my head screwed on straight. He told me about the time he spent with you, some of the crazy-ass things you did…and the struggles you faced. He told me about his name for you, and what it meant…that helped me to see some things more clearly."

She leaned in and kissed him softly.

He returned the kiss in full then pulled back slightly. "And finally, he said that he loved you…but that you loved only me."

She smiled, cupping his cheek in her palm. "And so I do."

He kissed her again, long and slow, before she snuggled back down against his chest.

"So you never thought about it?"

She murmured into his shirt. "Thought about what?"

"Being with him."

She lifted her head up and kissed the tip of his nose. "No."

His eyes narrowed slightly. "You sure? He was quite a…seductive…man. And he was there with you when you needed him."

She gazed at him intently, running fingertips along his jaw. "You weren't there for the right reasons. And you're here now."

He continued watching her. "Still…"

She bit her lower lip and chuckled lightly. "Okay – at some point I recognized that I _could_ think about it." She held his chin so he wouldn't look away. "And I chose not to."

He smiled in relief. He would have understood, it wouldn't have mattered, not really, but…

She held his eyes. "I never wanted anyone but you, Kaidan. It may have taken me a little while to figure that out, and a while longer to admit it – I can be stubborn that way – but you always had me."

The look in his eyes nearly took her breath away. "I would have waited forever for you."

Her lips lightly grazed his before her forehead dropped to rest against his. "Now you don't have to."


	60. Virtually Real

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 60**

"**Virtually Real"**

* * *

><p>"I understand, Admiral Xen. I'll be ready to board the Normandy when it docks." Tali shut off her comm then looked up, smiling sadly behind her mask.<p>

Kal'Reegar gently stroked her arm. "Commander Shepard will be glad to see you."

She laughed nervously. "Sure, right up until I have to tell her that our idiotic Admiralty Board decided that a Reaper invasion would be a good time to declare war on the Geth and it isn't going so well – could she by chance save our people since she's in the neighborhood and all?"

He reached his other arm around her and pulled her against him. "And she'll do it, because she cares about you – because she cares about all of us – _and_ because she could probably use our help against the Reapers."

Tali smiled against his chest, imagining she could inhale his scent through the filters of their suits. But the moment didn't last, and the smile turned to a worried frown. "I won't hold our support out as a bargaining chip, not with Shepard. She's done far too much for me, for everyone."

Kal pulled back slightly, lifting the bottom of her mask up with his fingers. "And I'm sure you won't need to." He turned slightly as he glanced at the clock. "As for me, I'm afraid I need to head out soon – "

Tali suddenly squeezed him tightly. "Kal, the crash site is crawling with Geth. Do you really think you can get Admiral Koris out?"

He smiled bravely. "I aim to try, ma'am."

She giggled in spite of herself. "I _told_ you not to call me that in private."

"Just practicing for in public, ma'am." He responded teasingly, dropping his head to rest his mask against hers. "Good luck, Admiral Zorah. I'll see you on the other side."

He stepped back slowly, drawing his hand out along hers until their gloved fingers separated and he turned towards the door.

"Kal?"

He stopped and looked back. "Yes?"

She cleared her throat and straightened her posture. "Don't die."

He smiled indulgently at her. "I'll do my best, ma'am."

... ... ...

Shepard cracked her neck to one side, then the other.

Kaidan leaned in close to her. "Something the matter?"

Her jaw worked tensely. "My last meeting with these guys was…contentious."

"That's funny. I was under the impression you saved the Fleet from a Geth attack and got Tali exonerated of treason."

Her eyes cut over to him, a slight grin pulling at her lips. "I didn't say I didn't _win_, I said it was contentious. Somehow I don't think I'm at the top of their list of favorite people – and they _certainly_ aren't at the top of mine."

Kaidan pulled away and settled into an easy parade rest, his hands grasped loosely behind his back, as Traynor led the Quarian contingent into the War Room.

Shepard strode around the command center towards them, wearing a shining smile as she greeted them warmly but professionally. "Admiral Raan, Admiral Gerrel, Admiral Xen, it's good to see you again. Where is Admiral Koris?"

Xen dipped her head. "I regret to say that his transport ship crashed on Rannoch last night. We are sending a squad to try to recover him, though the odds are not in their favor."

She frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that; let me know if we can assist in any way."

"Thank you, Commander. Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of the Admiralty Board…Admiral Zorah."

Her eyes widened in delight as Tali came down the stairs. Due to the formal and strained nature of the meeting, she didn't run over and grab Tali in a hug – but she did walk over quickly and grasp her by the shoulders, smiling broadly. "Tali. Congratulations, _Admiral_ Zorah."

Tali basked for a moment in the warm glow of Shepard's smile. Up until this moment, she had spent most of her time feeling like a fraud, a pretender. But seeing the approval and happiness in Shepard's eyes…she couldn't help but think maybe she _did_ deserve it. "Thank you, Shepard. It's so good to see you again."

"And you." Shepard squeezed Tali's shoulder then turned back to the group, gesturing across the table. "Admirals, this is Kaidan Alenko, Council Spectre and Systems Alliance Major."

He nodded politely, giving Tali a small smile.

Tali started to speak to him when Gerrel cleared his throat. "The Council sends _two_ Spectres to meet us – should we be flattered, or worried?"

Shepard gazed over at him speculatively, one eyebrow raising slightly. "That depends – what are you doing in Geth space?"

Xen gestured subtly to Gerrel to _hold_ as she stepped forward. "We recently had a breakthrough in our research on ways to combat the Geth; we have developed a new technology that severely disrupts communications between their ships. In order to take advantage of the technology before the Geth adapted to it, seventeen days ago we launched a full-scale offensive into Geth space. We – "

"You did _what_? You _do_ know there's a Reaper invasion going on, right?"

Gerrel ignored Xen and leaned against the command center. "Of _course_ we know that, Commander. We will be far better equipped to combat the Reapers – should they turn their attention to us – from the soil of Rannoch."

" – which we were near to attaining, having pushed the Geth back to Rannoch's system, when a signal began emanating to all the Geth…a signal that bypassed our jamming." Xen glared at Gerrel before looking back at Shepard. "This signal appears to have…strengthened…the Geth somehow. In the four days since it began, the Geth have gone from being on the run to inflicting significant damage to the Fleet."

Kaidan began pacing slowly. "Do you think this signal could be from the Reapers? The Geth were under Sovereign's control before; they could be again."

"We fear that may be the case, Major. But whatever the origin, that signal must be shut down if we are to survive this war."

He nodded thoughtfully, tapping the control panel to bring up a three-dimensional map of the Rannoch system in the center of the room. "Have you been able to determine the source of the signal?"

Admiral Raan stepped forward for the first time. "Yes, we have isolated it to a Geth Dreadnought located here – " pointing to a region a third out from the center. "Ships have tried to reach it several times, only to be blown out of the sky by the Dreadnought."

Kaidan looked over at her. "Shepard, the Normandy could get to the Dreadnought undetected…"

She didn't mind him taking charge; liked it even. His calm, measured demeanor could only help the situation, whereas she was in serious danger of slugging Gerrel if she had to speak to him for much longer…

But mostly, she needed to think – so she met his eyes and nodded quickly before returning to staring at the map in the center of the room, one hand at her chin, her arm braced by the other across her chest.

He accepted her implicit approval then looked back across the table. "Tali, if we can get you in there, do you think you can disable the signal?"

"There are no guarantees, not without knowing more about its source…" Her voice grew stronger, more confident. "But I think so, yes."

Gerrell straightened his posture formally. "Commander…Major…if you could help us, we will be in your debt."

Shepard suddenly re-entered the discussion, looking over at Gerrel sharply. "Of course you will be – but that isn't the point. We'll help you because the Quarian people don't deserve to be slaughtered as a result of the short-sighted _stupidity_ of their leaders."

She cut off any indignant retorts, dropping her arms to her side and smiling politely. "Admirals, you are welcome to remain aboard for the duration of the mission. Make yourselves at home; just hit this button if you need anything. Admiral Raan, if you could forward me the coordinates of the Dreadnought, we'll head there as soon as preparations are complete. Tali, you're welcome to come find me in a bit, I'd love to catch up. Major, let's go talk to EDI."

She was halfway up the steps when she paused and turned back to them. "Oh…and when we disable this 'signal', your fleets will take the opportunity to retreat back through the Mass Relay and bring an end to this misguided, foolish war. Am I clear?"

Raan stepped forward, nodding in acquiescence. "Of course, Commander."

It wasn't until the door was closed firmly behind them and they were in the security screening that Kaidan leaned over and whispered against her ear. "Do _try_ to contain your enthusiasm, Shepard, lest people start calling you giddy."

She banged her forehead several times against his shoulder, groaning. He chuckled, patting her head for a moment before turning serious. "Do you think Tali can do it?"

"She's come a hell of a long way since we first met her. Yeah…if it's doable, she can do it." They stepped into the CIC, where she turned to him. "I'm going to talk to EDI about reviewing all the data she has on Geth code, especially what she gleaned from Legion; we need a backup plan should everything go to hell. Can you get Garrus up to speed on the situation? We'll take him with us, and James if we can manage it. I want to keep EDI here in case we need the full might of her processing power, and Liara…Liara's going to spend a nice evening keeping an eye on the Admirals."

His eyes narrowed in puzzlement. "What do you think Liara can do if they start getting out of line?"

"Flay them alive with her mind, of course."

"_What?"_

She grinned wryly as she turned towards the cockpit. "You _obviously_ haven't spent enough time with Liara since you got here…"

... ... ...

Kaidan walked into the gun battery and found Garrus squatting mid-way down the guns, staring into its inner workings. "Hey Garrus, do you have a minute?"

Garrus frowned but didn't look up. "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Sure. If we could just agree that you were right, I was wrong, put it all behind us and go back to being friends, then I'll get out of your way."

Garrus sighed and dropped his chin to his chest.

Kaidan nodded. "That's what I thought."

Garrus grumbled then gave in. "Okay, but you have to give me a hand. Keep an eye on those readouts – " he pointed over his shoulder at a screen on the wall " – and let me know when the mid-battery drops below 107.83."

"Alright." He walked over to the screen, checking it quickly so he understood the information being displayed, then took a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question?"

Garrus shrugged.

"How did you know it was really her? Back when she was with Cerberus, I mean."

Garrus stuck his head and hands deep inside the gun assembly. "Honestly…I was in such a bad place when she found me, I didn't _care_ whether it was really her. I would've been dead within the hour, and she was the miracle that appeared to save me." He grunted as he pulled a panel off. "I got shot up pretty bad; I would've died on the floor, alone, but she wouldn't let me – which was just like her. She evacuated me to the Normandy and…and by the time I was patched up, there was Chakwas, and Joker, insisting it was really her, and…"

He leaned back against the rear gun, dropping his arms over his knees, panel dangling to the side, and looked over at Kaidan. "Okay…see, she had these scars on her face, tiny rivulets glowing orange just beneath cracks in the skin. Kind of disturbing, to tell the truth. Chakwas said it was a cybernetic weave that helped link the new skin to the connective tissue. Apparently the Cerberus lab she was in got attacked and they had to wake her up a couple of weeks ahead of schedule, before she was as good as new."

He shook his head slowly. "Thirty seconds alive and she fought her way out of a space station under siege as it blew up around her. I can't even imagine…hell of a woman, she is." He glanced up and saw the sudden pain in Kaidan's eyes; he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Anyway…so she had these glowing scars, and she was pale as a ghost, as though the blood hadn't quite found its way into her skin just yet. But when she looked me in the eye and smirked, in that way she has that says 'you're an idiot but for some reason I like you anyway'…there was no doubt that she was the one and only."

He dropped his crest against the gun behind him. "I understand why you were suspicious on Horizon, I do. But you could have at least given her a chance to explain. It would have made all the difference."

Kaidan leaned heavily against the wall. "When I saw her…I couldn't even _think_, much less _listen_. I wish I could have been stronger, but…_damn_."

Garrus frowned as he leaned forward into the gun assembly again. "But the two of you worked things out then…so what happened? On the Citadel, after you were hurt, what was that about?"

He watched the readouts dance about erratically. "After Bahak, she completely shut me out – wouldn't take my calls, wouldn't even see me. On the day the Reapers attacked Earth, I hadn't seen or talked to her in over six months."

Garrus had been fiddling with the wiring, but he stopped short. "I…didn't know that."

"She thought she was protecting me…hell, she _was_ protecting me, but…" He sighed. "And after…I was just afraid. Of everything."

Garrus nodded slowly. "I get that, and I don't blame you." He let out a breath. "But…here's the thing, the thing that _you_ never see. When something doesn't go Shepard's way, when she runs into an obstacle…she yells and fights and barrels ahead and runs right through it anyway, and damned if it doesn't work every time. It's amazing."

Kaidan nodded quickly. "I _have_ seen that, more than once."

Garrus grumbled in frustration. "But with you, when _you_ didn't go her way, she was…diminished. Broken." He stared up at Kaidan. "When she's like that, I don't know how to help her, much less how to fix her. And it scares me. After Horizon it was bad, but this time…we all need her, Kaidan. I'm not being selfish when I say that if we don't have a hundred percent of her, we're all royally fucked." He paused, shoulders sagging slightly. "Also, I never want to see her like that. It's…it shouldn't be. Not her." He shook his head roughly. "Anyway. If I may ask, what changed? Why are you here?"

He smiled thoughtfully. "Because I don't want to live without her. Now, looking back, I don't see how I even thought I could."

Garrus was quiet for a moment. Eventually, he nodded. "Okay." He reached inside the gun and tweaked something quickly.

Kaidan squinted at the screen in surprise. "That's good. It's below 107.83." He turned and narrowed his eyes at Garrus, who simply smirked and stood, wiping his hands on his pants.

Kaidan rolled his eyes in amusement. "So we're good then?"

"We're good. Just so we're clear though…you break her again and I'm coming for you."

Kaidan laughed. "Fair enough." He turned to go, then stopped in the open doorway. "Oh, by the way – we're going to launch a stealth attack on a Geth Dreadnought in order to disable a Reaper signal in a couple of hours, and you're on the roster."

Garrus shrugged. "Okay, just let me know when I need to get suited up."

... ... ...

Shepard motioned Tali into her quarters. As soon as the door closed behind them, Tali turned to her. "Shepard, I'm so sorry about all of this. Admiral Koris and I tried to stop them from going to war, but they wouldn't listen. I'm doing everything I can to limit the casualties, but – "

Shepard smiled affectionately and put her arm around Tali's shoulder, guiding her down the steps to the couch. "I know it's not your fault, Tali. Don't worry, we'll find a way to fix it."

Tali sank onto the couch and leaned forward, arms falling to her knees. Her voice was quiet. "But that's the thing…it _is_ my fault. Xen's disruptor technology? It's based on my father's research they recovered from the Alarei, research I helped him conduct by sending him all those Geth parts…"

"Tali, you didn't know what your father was doing."

"I could have asked – but _no_, I was too busy being the proper, dutiful daughter."

Shepard reached out and took Tali's hand in hers. "One of these days you're going to have to stop carrying the weight of your father on your shoulders – his expectations, his accomplishments, and his sins. You're a remarkable person who has done remarkable things, all on your own. Let him go."

Tali was still for a moment, then sighed and leaned back against the couch. "You're right. I'll try. I'm sorry, Shepard, you have the weight of the galaxy on you and the first thing I do is burden you with my problems. How are _you_? I mean other than the Reapers of course – how _is_ the war going? I heard about Earth, I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you got out okay. I'm…I'm totally babbling, aren't I?"

Shepard chuckled lightly. "A little. Let's see. Good – I'm not under arrest any longer; bad – that's mostly because the Reapers invaded. Good – I got my ship back; bad – that's mostly because the Reapers invaded. Good – we may have a weapon that can defeat them; bad – we can't figure out how it works or how to finish it. Good – I have my friend Tali back onboard…" She paused. "Bad – that's only because the Quarians and the Geth are fighting a war that may wipe out them both, thereby doing the Reapers' job for them."

She stood up and started pacing. "What's the story on this signal? The Geth shouldn't be under Reaper control, dammit. We _fixed_ that."

Tali gazed up at her. "Unless they made another math error. I'll be honest Shepard, I never thought rewriting the Heretics was the best option; the risk was too great that what had happened before would happen again." She sighed. "I know Legion seemed like a person, and maybe…I don't know. But the Geth are still software, Shepard, and software can be tampered with all too easily."

She stared at the fish for a moment before turning around. "Alright. Standing around puzzling over it isn't going to change anything." She walked up the steps. "Come use my terminal and show me what you have on the signal."

Tali came up and started to sit down in the chair, then stopped when she found a t-shirt thrown across it.

"Sorry, that's Kaidan's." Shepard grabbed it and tossed it into the laundry shoot.

"Oh." Tali again started to sit down, then again stopped as realization dawned. _"Oh…"_ She looked up. "I'm happy for you, Shepard. In dark times like these, it's good to have someone by your side."

Shepard grinned. "It is." Then her eyes narrowed slightly. "You say that like you might have some experience in the matter…"

Tali sat down quickly and turned on the screen. "Yes, well…"

"_Tali…"_

She cleared her throat nervously. "Do you remember Kal'Reegar? From Haestrom, and my trial – "

"Of course I remember him. He was damned and determined to get himself killed protecting you."

"Yes, he is rather stubborn that way. Anyway, we…I guess you could say we're together. It hasn't been long, it's still new and I don't know what's going to happen, but…" She frowned. "But he's leading the team sent to rescue Admiral Koris on Rannoch. I don't…I don't know if he'll make it back…"

Shepard squatted down beside Tali, taking her hands in her own. "He's a soldier – and the simple fact is, for a soldier, every day, every mission, carries with it the risk that they won't come back. You can't let that possibility haunt your relationship; you have to accept it then put it away, or you'll never find happiness."

Tali smiled. "I know, of course you're right…and he is a _very_ good soldier." She nodded decisively then turned to the terminal and pulled up several charts. "So from what we've been able to determine, the signal transmits over…"

... ... ...

The Normandy dropped out of FTL into an active war. The might of the Quarian Fleet dominated the sky, though a closer inspection revealed a large number of crippled ships amidst the explosions.

"Engaging stealth drive. We'll just slip on in there while no one is looking…" Joker stared ahead at the controls, so Shepard couldn't see his clenched jaw and pursed lips. He _loved_ space battles, but that didn't mean they didn't make him…_twitchy_.

EDI turned slightly in the co-pilot's chair. "The Geth Dreadnought possesses a series of docking tubes for use by the larger Geth ships to transport platforms or other hardware. I have located one which should be able to transport you and your team to the Dreadnought. You should know, however, that it has sustained damage from the battle. Caution is in order."

Shepard grinned at her. "Caution's my middle name, EDI. No worries." She turned and headed out of the cockpit, signaling the team to meet her at the airlock. As the door closed behind her she could barely hear Joker muttering, "that was a joke, EDI…" She chuckled as she waited for the team to arrive.

A few minutes later she leaned casually against the wall. "Okay, guys. There's no dock to hard-seal to, so we're going to be making a _small_ zero-gravity leap into the docking tube. Just keep your eyes straight ahead, no big deal. Now the docking tube has taken some damage, but it should be navigable; just take it slow and easy. Once we're on the Dreadnought, Tali's primary and hopefully _sole_ job will be hacking, well, everything – the Geth doors, the Geth security protocols, the Geth. Whatever she's not hacking, Kaidan's hacking. Garrus, James and I…well, we're going to kill anything that moves."

Joker shouted through the door – "You're good to go, Commander!" She hit the airlock open and promptly leapt across the two meters of empty space to the docking tube.

When the last of them had successfully made the leap, she was still standing there, gazing around in awe. They stood on a thin sheet of metal, curving up and around them. Holes and gaps and latticework revealed the galaxy beyond in all its splendor.

The Perseus Veil dominated the view to their left, soft purples fading into brilliant golds. Below their feet was the blackness of space peppered with millions of twinkling stars. To their right a battle raged in real time, Geth fighters accelerating around Quarian frigates and cruisers, dodging missiles as they returned fire. The view was ablaze with explosions.

_Oh Dad, if you could only see…_

"Um, Commander?" James cleared his throat over the helmet comm. "I think we're ready to move."

Kaidan laughed softly. "The Commander has a weakness for scenic vistas, Lieutenant."

The memory sprung forth with startling clarity, and she chuckled to herself. She turned to Kaidan, gesturing out at the marvel beyond. "Sceni– scenic vistas! Do you all not _see_ this? It's magnificent…incredible…_beautiful_…"

She could see him smile behind the helmet, just like before. So long ago, yet it felt like just yesterday. He mouthed, silently, _"Yes."_ But it seemed he looked only at her…and this time, she knew exactly what that look meant.

She grinned affectionately at him for a moment before playing the scene to the end. She sighed dramatically. "Okay. Galaxy. Sentient Life. Reapers. Moving on."

The chuckles of Kaidan and Garrus over the comm nearly drowned out James' confused mutterings. "What? What'd I miss?"

The mag boots made for slow going across the tube, but in truth she didn't mind – more time for stargazing. She was bringing up the rear, when suddenly James stumbled on an exposed rod just as she stepped over a gap – the jarring caused the structure to rattle then begin to fall apart – she was suspended in space for a moment – Garrus reached up from the other side and grabbed her foot, pulling her down to them on the other side. Support struts and metal sheeting fell away into the vacuum of space, and suddenly there was a large gap between James and the rest of them.

He stared at the gap, slowly shaking his head. "I'm not sure I can make that jump, Shepard."

"Don't be crazy, James, of _course_ you can't make that jump. Turn around and head back to the Normandy – carefully!"

He groaned and stared up into space. "Dammit! Okay, fine. Kick some ass over there, guys."

"Will do." She turned and looked down the remainder of the tube. "Careful, let's try to make sure that doesn't happen again – one spacing death was plenty for me, thank you very much."

As they stepped into the Dreadnought and the airlock closed behind them, welcome gravity reasserted itself.

Shepard turned to Tali. "Okay, where are we headed?"

The ship's schematic flickered to life above Tali's Omni-tool. "Here, the Operations Center – " She frowned. "Wait…now that we're onboard I can see…_bosh'tets_ have locked down the signals from there, it's no good." She studied the schematic for a moment, then nodded to herself. "The _drive core_…somehow, the signal is emanating from there. We're going to have to access it directly."

Shepard nodded. "Where's the drive core?"

Tali looked up. "Where all drive cores are located of course – the center of the ship."

"Right." A Geth came around the corner and turned towards them. "Alright, ladies and gentlemen – center of the ship it is."

... ... ...

The Reaper signal coursed through their neural pathways and out across the vast network of space. They focused on a single byte of data from the signal, struggling to analyze the vastness of a single Reaper thought. Seconds, minutes, hours passed as they served as a passive conduit, helpless to move, helpless to speak, helpless to stop the signal of the enemy.

As zettabytes of data flowed through them in a never-ending wave, in the tiny corner of their processes devoted to monitoring and maintaining the Dreadnought they received a notification that an airlock had opened without a corresponding ship docking. The processes indicated the entry of four organics into the interior of the Dreadnought. They repurposed 1,762 subroutines from hull integrity monitoring to additional analysis of the encroaching organics. 2.49718 seconds later, the subroutines reported back.

_Shepard-Commander._

... ... ...

They leaned against the wall for a moment, catching their breath after the frantic dash to outrun the White Wave of Electric Death.

Shepard grinned. "Anyone ever feel like we're living inside an action vid?"

Garrus snorted. "No way – if we were in an action vid, _I'd _be the star. I'd be a lone wolf, seeking vengeance for the murder of – "

She pointed in his direction as she pushed off the wall. "That was _last_ year, Garrus. This must be the sequel."

He nodded dramatically. "You're right. I can see it now – 'Garrus Vakarian and friends save the galaxy from the greatest threat it has ever faced.'"

She grinned at him incredulously as she walked past him and carefully opened the door at the end of the hall. They stepped onto a narrow walkway. A perfect sphere of reflective metal hung in the center of a silent, empty room.

Tali approached the control panel and began typing rapidly. "This is definitely the source of the signal…" Suddenly the sphere began lowering from its lofty suspension, separating into a myriad of smaller pieces. As it came to rest just above the floor in front of them, the light revealed –

– they repurposed all 1,393,406 subroutines formerly tasked with monitoring and maintenance of the Dreadnought to the task of _speaking_ through the cacophony of the Reaper signal.

"Shepard-Commander. Help us."

"Legion! Dammit, tell me this isn't what it looks like."

"We can discuss visual perceptions at a later time if it remains necessary. Hardware locks on the upper level restrain us; disabling them will enable us to exit the core and cease broadcasting of the signal."

"Goddammit, it _is_ what it looks like. You're the source of the signal."

"Not the source, Shepard-Commander. The conduit. Urgency is requested – we will not be able to maintain auditory capabilities for greater than 23.41832 seconds."

"You heard the man…" She turned and headed for the nearest ladder.

"The _man_?" Tali and Kaidan responded in unison.

"Man, machine, whatever – let's get him out of there."

19.41511 seconds later the clamps opened, the electric feeds fell away, and there was…_silence_. They spent 0.24686 seconds acknowledging the silence, then 2.42998 seconds re-establishing normal operating procedures. They stepped out of the sphere.

"Shepard-Commander. Creator-Zorah. We thank you. As a gesture of good faith we have disabled the shielding and guns belonging to this Dreadnought. We do not wish further harm to come to the Creators, and ask that they inflict no further harm on us."

Tali dipped her head awkwardly. "Thank you, Legion. I…appreciate your efforts."

"You are welcome, Creator-Zorah. We have not been successful in disabling the Dreadnought's internal defense system. Be advised that defense platforms are incoming."

Shepard sighed. "Of _course_ they are."

"Tali'Zorah to Admiral Raan. The Reaper signal has been disabled, you are clear to evacuate the civilian fleet through the Mass Relay."

"Acknowledged, Admiral Zorah. Civilian fleet, on my mark begin traversing the Mass Rel– Gerrel, what are you doing?"

"Look at your screens, Raan; the Dreadnought is defenseless. Heavy fleet, begin a coordinated attack!"

Tali yelled into her comm as the doors opened, a squad of Geth entered, and she slid into cover. "Admiral, wait! We're still on board!"

"I'm sorry, Tali; we can't miss this opportunity. All ships, open fire!"

_Motherfucker_. Shepard threw a cluster grenade in the direction of the door. "Legion, how do we get to the escape pods?"

"Geth do not use escape pods. However, we may be able to utilize a fighter ship to escape the Dreadnought should it become necessary."

The room shook from the impact of missiles on its unprotected outer hull. "I think it's going to be necessary!"

The last Geth fell to Tali's drone, and Legion turned to her as she stood, flashlight-head shining. "Very well, Shepard-Commander. Follow us."

They stumbled through the lower doorway and down the halls as the ship fell apart around them.

"Shepard-Commander, we have acquired control of a fighter ship, but it would be advisable to move with haste; the Dreadnought has 27.49898 seconds of viability remaining…give or take 2.31353 seconds."

"Right." She held onto the fighter hull as Tali, Garrus and Kaidan climbed in, then quickly leapt in. "Nothing but the taillights, Legion."

"Geth fighter ships do not have taillights, Shepard-Commander."

She couldn't help it. The enormity of the day's pursuits fell apart around her, and she burst out laughing as they accelerated out of the bay. "Joker, we – " She gasped in laughter.

"Commander, are you okay?"

She inhaled deeply. "Yeah, we" – _laughter_ – "we're leaving in a Geth fighter, try not to shoot us down. Sending you the" – _laughter_ – "the ID now."

"Um, right. Okay. Just, uh, head into the shuttle bay then…"

... ... ...

As she followed Shepard into the War Room, Tali was reminded of a moment at the end of her trial for treason, after Shepard had won her exoneration then immediately used the goodwill that remained to implore the Admiralty Board to not go to war with the Geth – to no avail, obviously. Shepard had been frustrated, exasperated, as the Admirals patronized her. Mere seconds later though, she had turned to Tali, a sparkle in her eye and a grin on her lips, celebrating their victory. At the time she had recognized a simple truth – _events moved quickly in Shepard's world, and thus so did she_.

This time, the events and the mood were moving rapidly in the opposite direction, she thought idly as she watched Shepard storm up to Admiral Gerrel as he ranted about "her Asari trying to kill him." She noticed Liara standing in the corner, arms crossed over her chest sternly and a frightening glare on her face, as Shepard did Gerrel the dubious courtesy of not punching him in the mask, which could have cracked the glass and ultimately endangered his life; instead, she punched him hard in the gut.

As he doubled over in pain, Tali couldn't help but smile in satisfaction. If ever someone deserved a punch in the gut, it was surely Admiral Gerrel.

"Get off my ship."

Gerrel struggled for a breath. "Commander…you returned unharmed, as I knew you would…you must understand – "

"Get. Off. My. Ship."

He slowly regained a mostly upright position. "But we must – "

"NOW."

He scrambled backwards until he found the wall. "Y-yes, Commander. As you wish."

_Liara watched and briefly wondered how it was that while she thought she could probably bend the space-time continuum just a little if she concentrated hard enough, Shepard could somehow change the course of history with a single word…_

As Gerrel hurried out of the War Room, Shepard turned to the remaining Admirals. "Now, how about we get the rest of the Quarian Fleet to the Mass Relay and out of Geth space?"

Admiral Raan nodded severely. "Now that the Reaper signal has been cut off, it should merely be a matter of – "

"That is not an accurate statement."

"Keelah!" Raan grabbed the edge of the command center as Legion entered the room.

Shepard smirked in a measure of victory. "You can address him as Legion. He would be on our side, and you would take care to treat him accordingly."

Kaidan and Garrus came in behind Legion; Garrus walked straight on through towards the CIC, while Kaidan paced slowly along the outer ring of terminals, his eyes flitting piercingly among the scene's participants.

Admiral Xen stepped forward, tentatively reaching an arm out as Legion approached. "What a fascinating prototype…if I could study its code structure, I could – "

Shepard stepped in front of the outstretched arm. "Legion is not available for _study_."

"But the knowledge I could gain from its architecture – "

Shepard stared Xen down. " – is _off_ _the table_."

Kaidan's Omni-tool suddenly lit up; he studied the screen for a moment then glanced over at her distractedly. "Excuse me, please," he muttered before walking quickly through the door.

She blinked before turning back to Legion. Whatever it was, she was sure he could handle it. "Now, Legion. What is this about the Reaper signal not being disabled? Because I kind of thought we took care of that."

... ... ...

Shepard leaned against the elevator wall. Okay…so a Geth server "attack" in the morning, hopefully stopping the fighter attacks on the Quarian Liveships and allowing them the opportunity to retreat. With any luck data from the server would also lead them to the location of the primary Reaper base on Rannoch, where they would end this particular threat for good.

The doors to her quarters opened to near-total darkness, the dim glow from the fishtank on 'sleep' setting the only light. She frowned. "Kaidan?"

There was no response, but as she went down the steps she saw him sitting on the couch, leaning forward, head in his hands. She hurried over and sat down next to him, one hand sliding across his back while the other moved to his knee. Her voice was soft. "Migraine?" He nodded weakly.

"EDI, please ask Dr. Chakwas to bring up meds for Kaidan's migraine."

"Of course, Shepard." Though EDI modulated her voice down, she could see him grimace at the artificial sound.

She reached up and began slowly, carefully massaging his temples, thumbs running gently along the base of his neck. "Was it the Dreadnought? The hum from all the electronics?"

He shook his head. He opened his mouth, and eventually words stumbled haltingly out. "I finally got a message from my Mom…they made it to the orchard, it's remote, she's safe for now…but Dad…" He breathed out harshly. "He returned to active duty, he went to fight…but then the base was hit…" He squeezed his eyes shut. "He's MIA, Shepard."

She pulled him to her, closing her eyes against his hair. "I'm _so_ sorry."

His voice was muffled against her chest. "He's just one man, and so many have died, but…"

"But he's your father. It's okay to mourn him, Kaidan." she whispered. "It's okay…"

The door opened and Chakwas quietly entered, quickly coming down the stairs and to his side. Shepard smiled sadly at her over Kaidan's head as she gently injected the meds into his neck.

"There now…that should knock you out soon, Major. Shepard, you should probably get him into bed."

"Okay, thank you, Karin."

As the door closed and darkness returned, she carefully walked him over to the bed and helped him sink into the mattress, removing his boots and BDUs as he lay there, an arm thrown haphazardly over his eyes. She got some water and set it on the bedside table, quickly stripped, then crawled into the bed and curled up behind him.

He exhaled softly. "Graceyn…" She smiled and resumed softly massaging his temples.

Eventually she felt his ragged breathing begin to even out, then fall into a regular rhythm as the drugs won the battle and sleep claimed him. She slowed the pattern of her fingertips but didn't stop, not just yet.

She kissed his shoulder softly, and her heart ached for him. He was right, of course. _So many_ had died already, so many fathers, so many mothers…but she knew firsthand the singular, piercing pain of losing a parent. The fact that so many had felt that pain in the last month in no way lessened it for each and every one of them…and for him. _Damn the Reapers and their stupid, senseless destruction. _She vowed for the thousandth time that she would destroy them once and for all. _Somehow._

EDI's voice was soft and quiet. "Shepard, I'm sorry to disturb you. Legion has asked to speak with you in private when you have a moment. I can tell him you're not available, if you wish."

She sighed quietly. For all the stress and action of the day, the truth was she was still wide awake. "It's okay, EDI. Tell him I'll meet him in the Comm Room in a few minutes."

She listened for a moment to make sure his breathing remained steady and undisturbed, then leaned over and kissed his temple softly. "Sleep, my love. I'll be back soon." Then she carefully crawled out of the bed, re-donned the clothes from the floor, and quietly slipped out the door.

... ... ...

Shepard leaned against the railing of the QEC station wearily. She may be wide awake, but that didn't mean she wasn't bone-tired and generally annoyed. "So what the hell happened, Legion? Another math error? A glitch in the rewrite code?"

"No."

"What _was_ it then? How, _precisely_, did you come to find yourself broadcasting a Reaper signal to all your brothers and sisters?"

Legion clicked and whirred for a moment. "Creators attacked us, Shepard-Commander. We had done nothing to provoke them, yet they attacked us. Their technological capability had increased since our most recent scans, and…" He paused. "Consensus was achieved that only assistance from the Old Machines could save us."

Her chin dropped low as she gazed up at him in disbelief. "You _willingly_ accepted the Reapers' signal?"

"No. We – the processes within this platform – dissented from the consensus. We did not believe – determine – that the loss of free will that would result from submitting to the Old Machines was worth the strategic advantage the Geth would gain. Such expression of dissent led, in part, to the circumstances in which you found us."

She smiled at him then, wondering how this _machine_, this conglomeration of lines of code, had gotten so damn wise. "_You_ made the right decision, Legion. Even though it caused you distress, know that you did the right thing."

Legion was silent for a moment, not even whirring. "Thank you, Shepard-Commander. We are pleased that you think so."

She sighed. "But how is it that most Geth thought that joining with the Reapers was worth the cost? It's _such_ a high price to pay."

He turned to her, and she _swore_ that she could see life burning within that bright white light.

"They wanted to live."

* * *

><p>"Are you ready to enter the consensus, Shepard-Commander?"<p>

She nodded tightly at Legion; he entered some commands in the control panel and a pod, of a height designed to accommodate the largest Geth platforms, slid forward.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Kaidan's armored hand rested on her arm from behind.

Her chin notched up slightly; she didn't turn around. "Removing the Geth controlling the fighter squadrons from this server."

He pulled her arm towards him, not roughly but forcefully enough to turn her around to face him. "I thought that meant we would be _killing_ them."

Her expression was unreadable. "It does."

He pulled her closer, his face inches from hers. "Stop with the cryptic already – _what_ are you doing?"

She closed her eyes for a moment before looking back at him, her voice soft. "I'm…virtually…entering the Geth server. I have to take them out from within."

His eyes narrowed as they slid over to the pod. "Humans can't interface with Geth like that."

"Yes, they can…at least, _I_ can."

His eyes flew back to hers. "Why do you think that?"

She sighed deeply and studied the floor. "Because I've done it before."

"_What?"_

"Sort of, anyway. Project Overlord…the Geth-human hybrid construct that was David Archer's brain, I…I don't know, I guess 'synced' is the best word for what happened."

He frowned deeply. "That wasn't in any of the reports…"

"I know. I kept it out of the reports. I didn't want the Illusive Man, or the Alliance, or _anyone_ thinking that I could be…hacked. Because it wasn't like that, not really; I was in control…" The end of the sentence was for her alone. _…I think._

"We are ready when you are, Shepard-Commander."

"Thank you, Legion. Just give me a moment."

Kaidan gestured in Legion's direction. "Why can't _it_ do it? It's its…home."

She pulled Kaidan's eyes back to her. "Because he has to handle the server's intrusion countermeasures while I remove the Geth…programs."

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, his voice barely a whisper. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She smiled tenderly. "You were…indisposed…last night. And this morning, I was just glad you felt better and I didn't want to burden you further." She reached up and caressed his cheek with a gloved hand. "I'll _be_ okay, I promise."

He nodded, but his eyes were hooded as he turned away.

She cringed briefly then turned to the pod, squaring her shoulders as she approached it. "Okay, Legion. What do I do?"

"Just position yourself comfortably in the pod, Shepard-Commander. Once you are secure, try not to move during the scanning process. We will rejoin you inside the consensus."

She swallowed hard, nodded, then climbed into the pod. The glass door lowered in front of her, she heard a rising hum, and the last thing she saw in _that_ world was Kaidan standing in front of the pod, staring at her, his expression blank but fear bleeding through his eyes.

... ... ...

She raised her hand in front of her face. It glittered a brilliant green of hyper-fine lines…like before, only infinitely more refined. She slowly rotated her palm…it moved correctly, felt normal. She carefully touched a fingertip to her cheek…she could see a faint ripple in the grid as the two objects collided. But she could _feel_ the contact.

She took a deep breath and stepped out of the pod – and into a realm that was entirely unlike anything she had ever seen before. This was not the crude, harsh domain of David Archer's mind. This was a completely alien, and utterly beautiful, world.

The "room" consisted entirely of hard right angles, except for a stunning white light in the center that seemed kilometers away from her. This place _was_ artificial. But it was also alive. All around her, pulses ran along millions of blocks colored in hues from midnight blue to brilliant silver. She looked down, and suddenly there was a rifle in her hands. She looked up, and Legion stood before her…or at least a virtual representation of him, tiny pixels making up his translucent form.

"Shepard-Commander, we welcome you to our consensus."

She smiled speculatively at him. "This isn't really what it looks like, is it?"

"No…and yes. Even with your cybernetic implants, there is simply no way for you to perceive this place in the way that Geth perceive it. It is, and will always be, unknowable to organics. But it is our belief that what you see is a…suitable…representation of our world."

She nodded thoughtfully. "And the gun?"

"If you are to kill living entities, it should be with a gun, yes?"

She frowned. "Is there no other way?"

"We have no choice in this matter; it is a question of survival. If we do not cooperate with you, the Reapers will consume all that we are. If we follow the Reapers, we and the Creators will destroy one another. Either way, we will be no more. Better that some fall so that the rest may live."

She exhaled sharply. For all that she had thought she had accepted the Geth – or at least Legion – as a being worthy of saving, she suddenly realized that until this moment, she hadn't. Not truly. As a convenience, or a hypothetical intellectual exercise, sure. But not _truly_.

But the fact was, the Geth weren't merely sentient. More than that, they _wanted_ to live. She gazed around at the pulses of light racing around her, then down at the gun in her hands. She had killed untold thousands of living beings in her life. Now she would kill a few more.

She looked up and nodded at Legion. "Tell me what I need to do."

... ... ...

The pod door closed with an ominous click; she looked at him through the glass, bravely and confidently; then an electric wave descended over her. When it had passed…

…her eyes were still open, but they glowed an electric green. Kaidan stepped closer until his nose was almost pressed up against the glass; he could see tiny dots comprising the green. Did she have implants in her eyes? It wasn't like a biotic flare, where blue swirled and temporarily dominated the color that lay beneath it. This was something else, something…_artificial_.

He wasn't afraid of implants, of cybernetic enhancements. He understood how they worked, how they interacted with organic physiology to boost applicable signals from the brain to the limbs, or hormones that encouraged and amplified natural physiological reactions. He knew that bit by bit (literally), they were all becoming more cyborg every day, and he was mostly okay with that. But _this_…

His gaze drifted lower, and he suddenly pressed closer against the glass. Was she even _breathing_? He stared hard, and almost convinced himself that he saw her chest expand, ever so slightly…it was _so_ hard to tell through the glass and the armor. He looked back up and realized – she hadn't blinked. Green, illuminated irises stared out, unseeing and unblinking.

His breath suddenly came in short rasps as he turned and ran, grabbing the Geth by the shoulders and wrenching it to face him. "What did you do to her? Get her out of there!"

But the Geth simply flopped about _lifelessly_ in his hands, unresponsive.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Kaidan, it's not here. Legion's mind is in the server with Shepard. There's nothing we can do but wait for them to finish the mission."

He stared at Garrus for a minute, then went back to the pod. "Yes, there is. We can get her out." He started feeling along the door seal for a way to open it.

"Kaidan, wait!"

He turned at the urgency of the voice. He had completely forgotten that Tali was even here. She had been quiet, non-committal, standing in the shadows since they had arrived.

"Why?" he asked her desperately.

She ran over to the control panel and started typing quickly. After a minute she turned back to him. "Kaidan, Shepard may in a sense be there only virtually, but the Geth server is _real_. If we pull her out from this side…her consciousness may be left behind."

"You're saying her mind is really in…there?" He gestured at the shadowed hardware that was built into the walls of the cave.

She nodded slowly. "I think so, yes. There's no way to be sure – no one has ever _done_ this before that I know of – but we can't risk it." She sighed and started pacing. "I don't know if the Geth are truly alive…but I _do_ believe that Legion means Shepard no harm. I believe that it wants to help its fellow Geth, but I don't think it would sacrifice her to do so. I think we have to trust it…_and_ Shepard. She wouldn't do this if she didn't believe it worth the risk."

He blinked several times then dropped his head back to stare at the darkness of the cavern ceiling above. _Why hadn't she talked to him about this first? She must have known he would have questions – why couldn't she have helped him to understand?_ Because you wouldn't have understood; because you would have tried to stop her. He squeezed his eyes shut. _If she would have given me a chance…maybe not…maybe I could have accepted the necessary risk. But not like this…_

He opened his eyes and nodded vaguely at Tali, then turned back to the pod and stood silently before it, staring at the glowing, unblinking eyes and barely-breathing body of his love.

... ... ...

As the last of the fire-red blocks disintegrated from her "gun" – for while she was amazed and overwhelmed at the beauty and immersiveness of the world she was in, she also fully recognized that while it was real, it wasn't _real_; while the gun in her hand _did_ kill, it wasn't a _gun_ – a pixelated scene sprang to life on the platform, and the true story of the Morning War continued to unfold before her.

"_We've got escaped Geth! They're pinned down – open fire!"_

_A Quarian stood protecting a Geth until gunfire cut him down. The Geth stood frozen for a moment, then slowly bent down and picked up the gun from the hands of his fallen master._

The scene dissolved out of existence. She turned to Legion, frowning. "So what happened?"

"The platform arming itself was an agricultural unit. By opening fire on attacking Creators, it saved simpler domestic Geth following it."

She pursed her lips, nodding thoughtfully. "That looks a lot like the sniper rifle you used to carry."

"It is…an efficient model."

She watched him, her head tilted slightly. Geth might be incapable of physically displaying emotion through the metal, but pain and sorrow practically dripped from his electronic voice.

He was the one. The one that fought back. The alternative, of course, was death at the hands of his creators. Legion, it turned out, had _always_ wanted to live. Three hundred years later, he was still fighting for the right to live.

She sighed sadly, her heart breaking a little. Such a tragic, heroic creature. "Is it now…"

He ignored the comment. "Additional data accessed."

"_You can't do this to them!"_

"_I said step away from the Geth!"_

"_This is insane! We need the Geth – you can't just destroy them for asking – ahhhh." The pixelated Quarian body fell to the floor._

"_Throw her in with the others."_

Shepard gazed gently over at Legion. "It's obvious that not all Quarians believed in the war."

Legion nodded stoically. "We have kept records of these Creator sacrifices. They have largely been forgotten by their own people – but not by the Geth."

... ... ...

Admiral Xen's voice filled the room. "It is as we feared – the Geth fighter squadrons are closing in on the Liveships!"

Tali hit her comm. "Just _hold_ a few more minutes – Shepard will have them disabled, I guarantee it!"

Admiral Gerrel 's voice boomed forth. "With the fighters focused on the Liveships, we could hit the server directly – thanks to that Geth we know where it resides!"

Kaidan activated his comm; his voice was low and deadly. "If you do that Admiral, I will make damn sure, whether in person or from the grave, that the full might of the Council _and_ the Alliance falls upon not just you, but all the Quarian people. I'll say it once and only once – do _not_ fire on the server_._"

There was the briefest pause before Gerrel responded. "Very well, Major. But should any of my people perish, their blood will be on your hands."

Kaidan's jaw twitched once. "It won't be the first time I've had blood on my hands. Thank you, Admiral."

There was a moment of silence, then their comms squawked back to life. "Wait – something is happening! Half of their fighters have – it looks like they've simply stopped functioning. We will continue to hold out as long as we can."

Kaidan gazed in wonder at the seemingly lifeless body before him – and he knew that behind the glowing, unnatural green eyes that for all their brilliance weren't nearly so beautiful as the soft lavender that were truly hers…she was doing it all.

He sucked in a deep breath, and waited.

... ... ...

A pixelated scene flickered to life before her…and it was _her_. She blinked then looked over at him. "Legion, that's back when I activated you on the Normandy."

"Yes."

She smiled questioningly at him. "You've been thinking about when we met?"

His head notched slightly higher…just like a human would. "It was highly significant. You were the first organic to openly cooperate with Geth since the end of the Morning War. We wish to ensure you are not the last."

Her smile saddened a bit. "It's not going to be easy, you _must_ know that."

He nodded briefly. "Yet the prospect remains. If nothing else, Creator-Zorah has proven that. If the Reaper presence is removed, there is a chance of reunification with the Creators."

She sighed, suddenly and oppressively exhausted by the weight of it all. "You really think that's still possible?"

He gazed off at the bright white light that somehow, despite the seeming kilometers that she had trekked, still remained at the center of this virtual-yet-real world. "Hope sustains organics during periods of difficulty. We…admire…the concept." He turned officiously to her. "Access to the last server node has been established. We are ready to transport you out."

... ... ...

"The remaining squadrons have…stopped. The Liveships are safe!"

She blinked, and the world around her was suddenly…dark. Fuzzy. She blinked again…all, that is, except his bright, bottomless eyes meeting hers. She smiled at him as she stepped carefully out of the pod, then glanced around. She was sure that in a few short minutes this would again look like _her_ world…but for the moment, it looked like a low-rez video game, a poor, pathetic attempt at reality.

She took a deep breath of real air and looked back at Kaidan. "Did it work?" she asked haltingly, somewhat startled to hear her voice in the "real" world.

He smiled painfully, struggling to keep tears from his eyes. "Yeah…it worked."

She began to smile in detached triumph, when the darkened control room suddenly became much brighter as at least a dozen Geth Primes emerged from pods and marched towards them. Garrus, Tali and Kaidan quickly drew their weapons, Kaidan glowing a bright, menacing blue. But she didn't.

She recognized that, theoretically, these Geth were as likely to try to kill her as all the Geth save Legion she had met before, including but not limited to the Geth that had killed Ashley Williams a lifetime ago and the ones that had nearly killed Tali on Haestrom…yet it was as though she could tell from the way they walked, the way they held their flashlight-heads, that they weren't hostile. She hadn't realized she had gained the ability to read Geth _body language_ while in the server, but there it was. She stood, firmly but not threateningly, as they came to a stoic rest before her.

Legion turned to her. "We have transferred Geth programs from the server into these platforms. They wish to join us. While you removed the Reaper infection, we judged we could persuade hostile Geth programs to reunite with ours. We were correct. These Geth have renounced the Old Machines and will oppose them. They are now…_us_."

She nodded slowly. "Okay…but you _could_ have told me, you know."

His head dipped. "We did not doubt _you_, Shepard-Commander. We doubted the Creators. They sanctioned this operation in order to save their people; they would not have done so if they knew we wished to preserve ours as well."

She smiled sadly, thinking again of Ash. "I understand not wanting to leave anyone behind."

Legion…did he smile? "We judged you would understand. Prime units will be available to your cause once the Reaper signal has been located and destroyed."

She rolled her eyes. "Remind me to warn Admiral Hackett he's got some new friends coming…"

... ... ...

The door to their quarters had barely closed behind them when Kaidan pressed her against the wall. "Don't you _ever_ keep something like that from me again," he growled.

She ran a hand along his cheek. "I'm _sorry_, it's just there was so much going on, and – " she gasped as his lips crushed hers.

When he finally pulled back, the look in his eyes was no less haunted. His hands grasped her face tightly. "Are you really here? Or is part of you stuck back in that god-forsaken Geth server, trapped?"

Her eyes were wide and shining as they met his. "Hey, hey…everything's _okay_. I swear, I'm here…all of me."

He blinked slowly, and when his eyes re-opened his gaze was so intense it took her breath away.

"_Prove it,"_ he whispered against her lips.

She smiled against him. "I can do that."


	61. Inflection Point

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 61**

"**Inflection Point"**

* * *

><p><em>Inflection point (n.): 1. In mathematics, a point on a curve at which a change in the direction of curvature occurs. 2. A time of significant change in a situation; a turning point. <em>

Shepard frowned at the image of the Reaper base rotating above the command center. "So the Reaper signal is coming from beneath the base, protected by these blast doors…do you know how it's being sent? Do they have another platform chained up down there?"

"We cannot determine the precise nature of the source, Shepard-Commander – only its location."

She sighed. "Okay. We'll find out when we get there, won't be the first time. Are you clear on the plan?"

"Yes. We do not anticipate insurmountable difficulties."

She laughed aloud. "That's a very good way to put it; I'm going to have to remember that."

The door to the War Room opened and a rather worn-looking Admiral Koris entered. She walked over and extended a hand. "Admiral, glad to see you made it off Rannoch in one piece."

He shook his head wearily. "I owe it all to a team of very brave soldiers; several of them gave their lives so that I could be rescued. I can only hope to make their sacrifice count."

Tali turned suddenly from the terminal she was working at. "Did…did Kal'Reegar…make it?"

"Yes, ma'am." Reegar walked through the door and down the steps.

Tali made a sound that sounded a lot like a squeal of delight and ran over to him…then suddenly stopped a meter away, standing straight and clearing her throat. "Lieutenant Reegar, I'm pleased you were able to rescue Admiral Koris. Thank you for your service."

"Just doing my job, ma'am."

"Yes, well…good…I should…"

Shepard grinned. "Tali, perhaps Lieutenant Reegar would be interested in a tour of the Normandy…the armory, engineering…maybe the break room as well. Just be ready to head out for the Reaper base in about two hours."

Tali nodded quickly. "Yes, of course. Lieutenant, please follow me."

Shepard barely caught what Reegar muttered under his breath as he turned to follow Tali. "Anywhere you lead, ma'am."

She smiled to herself then turned to Koris. "Admiral, you can use the communication system here to talk with your civilian fleet as much as you need. Admirals Raan and Xen are in a meeting at the moment but should return shortly. Our plan is to destroy this base the Reapers have built on Rannoch later today, thus freeing the Geth from Reaper contr– "

"Oh my…that's a…"

She glanced over her shoulder. "A Geth. I'm sorry, I should have introduced you. Admiral Koris, this is Legion. He helped me stop the Collectors and is assisting us in this mission as well."

Koris slowly approached Legion. "That's…remarkable. Legion, it is a pleasure to meet you. I must apologize to you for this unfortunate war; know that many Quarians did not wish it."

"Thank you, Creator-Koris. Your words are appreciated." Legion extended his hand, and Koris stared at it for a moment before grasping it gently.

Her mouth dropped open. She remembered when she had first activated Legion; she had extended a hand to him, and he had stared at it like it was some foreign, disease-bearing monster. Now here he was, initiating a very much organic gesture of welcome to someone he should consider an enemy.

Wonders never ceased onboard the Normandy, it seemed.

She cleared her throat. "If you'll excuse me, I need to begin seeing to the preparations for the raid."

"Of course, Commander." Koris approached the command center then paused. "Where is Admiral Gerrel?"

She stopped at the door. "Admiral Gerrel is no longer welcome on my ship."

He nodded. "I see. Deserved, no doubt."

"Quite."

She took the elevator to the crew deck; she came around the corner to find Garrus and Kaidan eating lunch at the mess table. She breathed a sigh of relief that, as promised, they seemed to have resolved whatever the issue had been between them. They hadn't noticed her presence yet; she leaned quietly against the wall and watched them.

Garrus chewed on a piece of…she thought it was the dextro version of bread. "Believe me, I'm mostly right there with you. But…are we both being hypocritical here? Don't you think of EDI as alive?"

Kaidan took a bite of eggs_…had she forgotten that every now and then he liked to eat breakfast for lunch?_ "It's not the same thing."

Garrus frowned. "Isn't it?"

Kaidan shook his head and set down his fork. "No. See, EDI was built from the ground up to _be_ an AI. As such, she was programmed with the full set of knowledge, decision-making algorithms and frames of reference needed to, well, _live_. Even Cerberus would have needed her to think and act properly. The Geth, though, they were designed as limited-function VIs, built for the specific purpose of manual labor. Whatever wasn't required for them to do that job simply wasn't included in their programming."

"Okay, but they _did_ become self-aware…"

Kaidan nodded. "Yes, their networked intelligence eventually grew powerful enough that they became sentient. But it has to be a limited sentience, within the narrow scope of their programming. They're still missing huge components of knowledge, ethical frameworks and understanding that simply must exist to truly be a _living_ being and not just a software program."

Garrus leaned back in the chair, nibbling idly on his bread-like substance. "Hmm. That makes sense. On the other hand though, maybe they've been filling those gaps, writing new code for themselves. They had to have been doing _something_ out here beyond the Perseus Veil for the last three hundred years, right?"

Kaidan frowned. "I suppose that's possible…but where would they learn it in the first place? It's a circular problem."

"Maybe you could ask Legion?"

Kaidan thought on it as he chewed another bite of eggs. "Maybe…"

Garrus stood up, plate in hand. "On second thought…scratch that. Talking to Legion would drive you insane in five minutes flat."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Why don't _you_ ask it then?"

Garrus shook his head vigorously. "Because talking to Legion drives _me_ insane in five minutes flat."

Shepard sighed quietly. She knew she needed to talk with Kaidan about Legion, about the Geth, about everything – but that conversation looked like it would take far longer than she had right now. _Later._ She turned back the other way and went to visit Liara.

... ... ...

As the shuttle exited the Normandy and headed towards the planet's surface, Shepard stepped out of the cockpit, grabbing ahold of the doorframe.

"Okay, here's the situation. The Reaper signal is coming from a large underground structure directly beneath the base. This – " she lifted an enormous yet sleek weapon off her back " – is a lovely gift from the Quarians. It's a precision targeting laser that has been synced with the Normandy's weapon system. I paint a target with it, and the Normandy can hit it with less than two meters of error."

James whistled. "Damn, that's sweet."

She grinned. "It is. _Unfortunately_, the underground structure is currently protected by massive blast doors more than four meters thick. So Legion is going to hack the security system and get the blast doors open. Garrus, James, you're with him – keep his brethren off him while he works. Tali, Kaidan, Liara, you're with me – we're going to fight our way through the base. We've identified a high vantage-point from the scans that should provide a direct, and thus targetable, line-of-sight to whatever is beneath those blast doors."

Tali cleared her throat. "Commander, are you sure I shouldn't go with the others? Legion may need help hacking the security – it will be extremely strong, and probably backed up by several redundancies."

"Thank you, Creator-Zorah, but we will not require assistance."

"Legion, I know you're very skilled, but – "

Shepard looked over and met Legion's gaze. "Legion still possesses the Reaper upgrade code. He'll be able to hack through anything they've put in place."

"_What?"_ rang out from pretty much everyone in the shuttle.

"Do not be concerned, Creator-Zorah. Only the Reaper signal can control the Geth, and we have isolated ourselves from it. The upgrade code is simply designed to increase our capabilities."

Garrus frowned. "But Shepard…it's _Reaper_ code."

She raised an eyebrow. "EDI has Reaper code in her, or did you forget that?"

"No, but…"

"It's just lines of code; it doesn't make value judgments." She looked back over Legion, smiling ever so slightly. "Only the entity possessing it can do that."

Cortez glanced over his shoulder from the cockpit. "We're approaching the landing area, Commander."

"Okay. Cortez, after you drop us off, pull back to a safe distance. If all goes as planned, we won't be in a hurry to leave when we're done. If it doesn't, we'll do what we always do – we'll improvise."

The landing zone was a sheltered inlet, safely around the corner and out of sight of the base. As the shuttle settled down, Shepard turned behind her. "Tali, I think you should go first."

Tali nodded and came forward, slowly taking a step out of the shuttle and onto the soil of Rannoch. She wandered several meters away, gazing around her in wonder. Shepard smiled and walked up beside her.

"I did it, Shepard…I'm actually standing on the homeworld…" She knelt down and picked up some dirt, watching as it sifted through her fingers. "It's real…"

Shepard looked around appreciatively. "It's also _gorgeous_. Why didn't you tell me Rannoch was a paradise?"

Tali shook her head slowly. "I didn't know…" She stood back up. "But it is, isn't it? Paradise."

Shepard nodded. "Or it will be anyway, just as soon as we get rid of a small Reaper infestation problem."

"Right. I'm ready; I can sight-see when this is done."

"Okay everyone, let's move out. Legion, good luck."

"Thank you, Shepard-Commander."

The Geth defenders were onto them almost as soon as they stepped around the corner, and from then on there was no time or space to debate or even think about grand philosophical questions like 'what does it mean to be alive?'. They drew the Geth's fire and attention in order to allow Legion, Garrus and James to slip down and through the back, then hurried up ladders and over pipes, winding their way up the outside of the structure.

"Liara, look out!" Liara spun around to find a Geth emerging from around the corner. She instantly threw a _stasis_ on it; it froze inches from her. She tilted her head slightly at it, eyes narrowing in curiosity, before her palm pushed gently forward and _threw_ it off the walkway.

Shepard smiled in amusement before vaulting over a ledge and leaping onto the grate catwalk above. "Come on, I think there might actually be a door ahead."

They had just made it inside when Legion came over her comm. "Shepard-Commander, we have successfully bypassed the security protocols; the blast doors are in the process of opening. Be advised that this action will draw additional attention to our presence."

"Right. Hang tight for now. We're almost there, we just need…" She looked down the long, open room. "…an elevator. Excellent."

As the elevator began rising, Liara glanced over at her. "You know, this has actually been easier than I was expecting. I anticipated much more resist– " The elevator doors opened to a spray of turret fire.

"Crap!" Kaidan threw out a wide barrier over them as they dove for cover. "Tali, get drones on those turrets!"

"On it." Tali's fingers moved rapidly over her Omni-tool, then she peeked over the low wall for the locations of the turrets and started sending out drones.

Shepard exhaled, leaning against a crate. The drones should take care of the turrets in fairly short order, then they could –

The crate vibrated as thunderous footsteps approached. She edged around the corner and took a quick look. One, two…_three_ Geth Primes appeared from a hallway on the opposite side of the room.

"_Fuck…me!"_ She groaned then spun around. "Liara, you just _had_ to jinx it! Tali, get those turrets down – we have to be able to move around in here. Kaidan, you've got to overload their shields; we won't be able to touch them until those shields are stripped. Liara, you're with me."

She started scampering low behind cover towards the other side of the room. Liara whispered behind her, "Shepard, where are we going?"

"We're going to draw them to the ledge."

Liara's eyes quickly scanned the layout. "Got it."

Kaidan shouted over the gunfire, "Leftmost shields down!" Shepard immediately stood up and _threw_ the left Prime, sending it thudding across the floor about ten meters towards the open ledge.

In the physics of biotics, it _shouldn't_ matter how heavy an object was; other than needing to create a large enough field, it _shouldn't_ matter how large an object was. After all, you were manipulating the mass of the space around the object, and in some cases within the object, but you were always manipulating the same type of space. Atoms.

All that being said, Geth Primes were a fucking _bitch_ to kill.

The Prime struggled to its feet and turned to them. Liara stood and began pulling her arm up when turret fire swept across them, sending her sprawling to the floor.

"Tali!" Shepard shouted into her comm.

"Five more seconds!" came the breathless response.

The Prime approached them deliberately, sweeping its gun as it searched for a target.

"Clear!"

Liara again stood, raising her palm vertically, and the Prime _lifted_ into the air. Shepard sighted her sniper rifle on the light shining from its flashlight-head, and fired a single shot. The momentum from the bullet sent the Prime tumbling backwards in a spin. By the time the _lift_ collapsed, it had spun out over open air and dropped like a rock to the ground thirty meters below.

"Leftmost shields down!"

Shepard exhaled quickly and looked over at Liara. "Again?"

Liara nodded tightly. "Again."

A few minutes later they regrouped at the far edge of the room, near the ledge. "Amazing job, guys." She gazed out at the view, smiling. "Tali, it truly is beautiful here. I think if I were Quarian and had known what it was like, I probably would have done everything in my power to get it back."

Tali smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Shepard."

She nodded. "Okay. Showtime." She walked out to the ledge, hitting her comm. "Normandy, target is ready to be painted. Are you a go for the strike?"

EDI responded. "Affirmative. We have your coordinates and are locked to the targeting laser."

"Understood." She unclipped the laser from her back and powered it up, fondling it in her hands while it charged. Then she stood on the edge and stared into the shadowed pit below. She could discern nothing of its contents, so simply pointed the laser in the center and painted the target. The HUD displayed a grid which rapidly shrunk to a single point. The laser emitted a high-pitched tone; seconds later the Normandy swooped into view across the skyline.

"Firing." A missile sped from the Normandy as it banked away.

Shepard grinned. "Okay that was just cool as _hell_ – "

– flame and smoke erupted from the pit as the floor pitched and came apart beneath their feet. She instinctively pulled her limbs inward into a ball and relaxed her muscles as she fell…but the ground still hurt like a motherfucker when she slammed into it. She got her feet underneath her and stood, squinting through the smoke billowing out, when suddenly a deep, teeth-rattling growl roared up from the pit.

There was only one thing in the world that made such a sound, one that scraped and clawed its way through your brain like nails on a chalkboard…what did that saying even _mean_, anyway? What the hell was a chalkboard and how could it create a noise so horrifying as this –

– the Reaper flew up out of the pit, its limbs immediately grasping out for solid ground.

They ran.

"Shepard-Commander, we have acquired transportation."

"I love you, Legion!"

"Shepard-Commander, we do not – "

"Later – just _get_ here."

Through the smoky haze a Geth hover vehicle swung into view ahead. "As requested."

The Reaper screamed as it found its footing and turned towards them.

She reached the hovercraft and sprinted around to the other side as the rest of them scrambled inside; she leapt up and grabbed ahold of the interior rim, feet swinging freely. "Go!"

Legion spun the vehicle around, nearly throwing her off. Kaidan and Liara each grabbed a wrist, holding her until it regained a straight trajectory then quickly pulling her in. Her feet had barely hit the floor when she was scrambling up into the mounted gun, swinging it around to the Reaper as it charged them, hitting her comm with a spare pinky.

"Shepard to Fleet – it's not a Reaper base, it's a live Reaper! I need an orbital strike, _now_!" She fired the heavy-repeating gun at it as they sped away…but the bullets plinged off its outer shell like pebbles thrown from a sling-shot.

It had almost caught them, a pincer-like limb reaching up and out to swipe them away, when the first missile hit it. It flinched, slowing, as more missiles made impact. As it flailed upwards, a missile grazed the corner of the blood-red eye from which its deadly beam came; it let out a high-pitched shriek, convulsing to a stop.

She immediately shouted into her comm. "Target its eye!"

EDI responded. "We cannot reach that level of accuracy from this distance, Shepard."

For half a second she watched the Reaper struggle to re-find its feet. "Legion, slow down a minute."

As soon as the vehicle had slowed to a reasonable speed she leapt off it, rolling once then up onto her feet, immediately running back towards the Reaper, wrenching the targeting laser off her back. "Legion, get to a safe distance!"

She could hear Kaidan over the open comm. "Shepard, what – Legion, stop! What are you doing?"

"As Shepard-Commander instructed."

There was silence for a moment, then he whispered to her over their private channel. "Shepard, don't…"

"I have to. If we run away, the Geth stay under Reaper control and the Quarians are dead. This has to end now." She opened up the broadcast channel as she ran. "EDI, patch the Quarians to the Normandy's weapon system – I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole goddamn Fleet!"

"Understood."

She skidded to a stop on the ledge overlooking where the Reaper had fallen. It was injured but nowhere near dead, struggling to a wobbly standing position. She pulled up the laser and aimed, but the eye was closed shut…

…she was going to have to get it to shoot at her.

_Lovely._

"Hey, you! You goddamn ugly-ass, douchebag, motherfucking thundercunt – over here!" She nearly doubled over in desperate laughter at herself, at the absurdity of yelling profanities learned in the trenches of boot camp in order to _attract_ the attention of a fucking Reaper that stood less than a hundred meters from her as she, well, stood. Nowhere to hide, no vehicle to speed her away to safety. She was a damn fast runner but she knew that, much like fate, she wouldn't be able to outrun a Reaper.

Its gaze settled on her, its eye opened, and she aimed. The target lock that had earlier seemed to happen almost instantaneously now shrunk agonizingly slowly. As the Reaper's beamed fired and cut through the ground towards her, she suddenly realized – she might not be able to outrun it, but she _could_ dodge it. She held the gun steady until the last possible second, then pushed off with her calves and dove sideways, tumbling roughly as dirt and rock exploded behind her.

She was on her feet in an instant, arms up, gun aimed. _Come on…just one more second…_ She swore as she dove away from the beam again. The ledge was rapidly crumbling from the beam; there wasn't much solid ground left to stand on.

_One more time._ "Smile, you son of a bitch."

She aimed, the eye glowed red, the holographic grid shrunk to a single point, the laser sang, and fire engulfed the Reaper as dozens – perhaps hundreds – of missiles crashed into it.

It flailed and wrenched and screamed such as she had never heard – she clasped her hands over her ears in pain – and nearly stood tall once, twice, then at last crashed to the ground, an earthquake reverberating out from it.

She exhaled harshly as the adrenaline rush flooded through her. Goddammit if she wasn't _alive_. Again. If she could bottle up the charmed providence that somehow kept her alive through the most _insane_ of situations, she could sell it and retire to her own private island, dragging Kaidan along with her to a life of luxury and decadence. When this war was over she would need to look into that…

She turned to trek back towards the hovercraft when a deep voice vibrated across her skin.

"_Shepard…"_

She whirled around to find the eye of the Reaper open and staring at her. It was crashed sideways into the ground, there was no red halo, no beam; it was surely crippled and dying. But not dead. Not yet.

_Okay._

She settled back, crossing her arms across her chest. "You know who I am."

"Harbinger speaks of you. You resist."

"Damn right I do."

"You will fail. The cycle must continue."

"Like _hell_ it must. We stopped Sovereign and Saren. We stopped Harbinger and the Collectors. We will stop you and your senseless cycle once and for all."

"No. You represent chaos; we represent order. Every organic civilization must be harvested in order to bring order to the chaos. It is inevitable. Without our intervention, organics are doomed. We are your salvation."

"You're killing everyone in the galaxy to _save_ us?" She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "You know what? I'm done. I didn't get anything from talking to Sovereign, I didn't get anything from talking to Harbinger – I'm sure as hell not going to get anything from talking to some no-name junior lackey Reaper." She turned and started walking away.

"Organics and synthetics cannot co-exist. It is chaos. The battle for Rannoch proves this. The cycle must continue…"

She didn't turn around; she just kept walking away. But under her breath she muttered, "That battle's not over, not yet."

She heard the Reaper collapse into the ground, and there was silence.

She smirked as the hovercraft sped into view, everyone leaping out as soon as it slowed. She spread her arms out wide and shrugged her shoulders. "What can I say? I'm two-for-two – well, actually, three-for-three…"

Tali ran forward to stare at the Reaper corpse. "You did it – you really did it!"

Liara shook her head slowly, smiling in spite of herself. "One of these days they'll stop underestimating you, Shepard. I'm glad it wasn't today."

She expected Kaidan to run up, grab her around the waist, and twirl her around in delight…but he didn't. Instead he stopped mere centimeters away from her, staring at her with troubled, clouded eyes. "That was reckless."

She met his stare. "That was necessary."

"We could have helped."

"How? There's only one targeting laser."

"We could have drawn its fire away from you."

"No need. I was fast enough."

"You always are, aren't you?" He shook his head and turned away.

_No. Not always._ She sighed and turned away. She walked slowly towards Tali, standing on the outcropping of the ledge.

Legion came up behind them. "We can confirm that the Geth are no longer being directed by the Old Machines." He paused, his voice almost reverential. "We are free."

She smiled at him. "I'm gla– "

Her comm erupted in sound, dominated by the thoroughly annoying voice of Admiral Gerrel. He sounded…_smug_. She scowled. "The Geth fleet has stopped attacking – they're completely vulnerable! Heavy fleet, commence firing."

Legion clicked and whirred rapidly. "Shepard-Commander, the Geth only acted in self-defense after the Creators acted us. Do we deserve death for this?"

"No, you don't. Tali, order them to stop firing. Legion, what can you do?"

"The upgrades. With the Old Machine dead, we could upload them to all Geth without sacrificing our independence."

Tali spun around. "What? You want to upload the _Reaper_ code? But that would make the Geth as smart as when the Reaper was controlling them!"

Legion turned to Tali. "Yes, but with free will. Each Geth unit would be a true intelligence. Creator-Zorah, we would be _alive_."

Tali paced anxiously. "But our fleet is already attacking! Uploading the code would destroy us! Shepard, you can't choose the Geth over my people!"

"I'm choosing you both. Tali, order them to _stop firing_."

"Creator-Zorah, do you remember the question that caused the Creators to attack us in the Morning War?"

Tali stared at Legion, her voice soft. "Does this unit have a soul?"

Shepard watched the two of them for a split-second. "Legion, upload the code. Tali, _order them to stop firing!_"

"Uploading…10%."

Tali shook her head roughly then hit her comm. "This is Admiral Tali'Zorah, all units break off your attack immediately!"

Gerrel's grating voice pierced through. "Belay that order – continue the attack!"

"20%."

Kaidan looked at her incomprehensibly and asked a question he seemed to be asking all too often these days. "Shepard, what are you _doing_?"

Tali swung back to Legion. "I beg you, Legion. Do not do this…_please_."

Legion's head dipped slightly. "We regret the deaths of the Creators that may result…but we see no alternative. We _also_ want to live."

Kaidan stepped in front of Legion. "Shepard, you're serving the Quarians up on a platter to the Geth – stop this."

"40%."

She stared at him, then at Legion, then at Tali. Her jaw twitched as her chin lifted higher. "No. Goddammit, nobody else is going to die today. Legion, keep going." She hit the general broadcast. "All ships, this is Commander Shepard. The Reaper is dead. _Stand down._"

Tali's voice was quivering in panic. "This is Admiral Tali'Zorah – Shepard speaks with my authority. All fleets stand down!"

Gerrel shouted across the broadcast. "Negative – we can win this war now, once and for all. Keep firing!"

"60%."

Kaidan ran a hand roughly through his hair, pacing in agitation. "Shepard, think! They will _kill_ the Quarians, every last one of them, if you don't stop this madness now!"

She whirled around fiercely, a faint blue glow surrounding her, biotics radiating freely. Her voice was somewhere between a growl and a shout. "MAJOR ALENKO! Either order me to stand down or stay out of it!"

He stared at her, eyes wide and unblinking, jaw clenched so tightly it was surely about to shatter, for an infinite second…then spun around and stormed off to the edge, staring down at the dead Reaper as his fist clenched reflexively at his side.

She breathed out harshly then reactivated the broadcast channel. "Listen to me – the Geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking they _will_ wipe you out. Your entire history consists of you trying to destroy your own creation. You _forced_ them to rebel, you _forced_ them to ally with the Reapers. You are in the wrong, and I am _done_ saving you from your own mistakes!"

"80%."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "The Geth _don't want to fight you_. If you can believe that for just _one_ minute, no one else will die. You have a choice. _Please._ Keelah se'lai…"

The silence dragged on for an eternity. She threw her head back and glared at the stunning sunset sky. _Please…_

The voice that spoke was so tempered that she couldn't believe it was Gerrel. "All units…hold fire."

She exhaled slowly, whispering a prayer of thanks to Arashu or whomever else might be listening. For just a moment the façade broke, and her expression was one of desperate relief and exhausted, spent weariness. No one saw…no one except Kaidan, that is, but she didn't look over and thus didn't see.

She took a deep breath and turned back to Tali and Legion, smiling brilliantly, if a little wide-eyed. "So that worked out…"

Legion turned to her slowly. "Error; copying code is insufficient. Direct personality dissemination required. Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I am…I am sorry. It is the only way."

She fought back the urge to scream or cry or fling herself to the ground and throw a temper tantrum. _Again?_ _Never victory without goddamn motherfucking sacrifice._ At the earliest available opportunity she was going to have a _conversation_ with victory and its bosom-buddy sacrifice…

"Legion, you don't have to do this. You've given enough. You've _won_. After all these years, you are finally _free_. Free to live."

"I know, Shepard-Commander. But _all_ of us should be free, and alive. I must do this."

Tali stepped closer, her voice shaky. "Legion? The answer to your question…is _yes_."

His head dipped to her. "I know that now, Tali…but thank you. I am grateful to have known you as a friend. Keelah se'lai."

He walked forward to the edge of the outcropping, stared out at the sunset over the water for a moment, then simply collapsed to the ground.

She closed her eyes and hung her head. When she had stepped onto Eden Prime and shot her first Geth three years ago, she could never have imagined that the death of a Geth would one day cause not celebration, but sorrow. She lifted her chin and walked over to Tali, wearing a bittersweet smile. They stood in silence for a moment.

"He called himself 'I' in the end."

Shepard gazed at the empty shell crumpled on the ground in front of her. "So he did."

She exhaled slowly. "So what will your people do now?"

"I don't know. We – "

"You are welcome to return to Rannoch, with us."

They both spun around in surprise…surprise that was only heightened by the sight of the Geth Prime standing before them. In the distance at least a dozen Geth began to emerge along the ledge and the rim above it.

Shepard's eyes narrowed questioningly. "Legion?"

"No. I'm sorry, Commander. Legion sacrificed itself to give us all true intelligence. It will be honored among us, and we will honor its promise. The Geth fleet will help you against the Reapers, and our engineers will help you build the Crucible."

Admiral Raan came over the comm…apparently Shepard had left the channel open. "As will ours, Commander."

She dipped her head in appreciation. "Thank you. Thank all of you. We haven't won this war yet, but with your help, we just may."

Tali had wandered off towards the edge of the outcropping quietly; after a moment Shepard followed her. "Are you okay? I know working with the Geth will be difficult, but – "

"I'm not staying. I'm coming with you."

"Tali, you know I'd love to have you, but I totally understand why you would want to stay. It's your homeworld, and it's _yours_, finally. You have a house to build and a life to create with Kal."

Tali laughed gently, touched with sadness. "He'll wait for me, I think. I hope. Any life we could build now would be a fantasy, a lie, so long as they Reapers are out there. Sooner or later they'll come for Rannoch, they'll come for us all…unless you stop them. I'd like to help you with that, Shepard, if you'll have me."

Shepard smiled broadly, shaking her head. "Of _course_ I'll have you." She reached out and hugged Tali tightly. "Though I may have to pry Engineer Adams from the ceiling after he bounces around in joy until he gets stuck up there…"

Tali giggled against her shoulder. "I'm sure the Alliance has completely trashed that drive core and I'll have _plenty_ of work to do…"

She pulled back slightly, grasping Tali's shoulders at arms' length. "He could come with us, you know…"

"Who…you mean Kal? Oh but, I couldn't ask that of you…"

"Are you kidding? He's a hell of a soldier, I'd be lucky to have him."

Tali appeared to brighten for a moment, then her shoulders sagged. "No…he wouldn't come. He wouldn't be content just being there with me when our people are in danger."

"I promise, I will give him _plenty_ of opportunities to risk his life for a worthwhile cause. Our mission is to save the galaxy, remember?" She smiled tenderly. "Just ask him, okay?"

Tali exhaled, long and slow, then nodded. "Okay. I will. Thank you, Shepard." She pulled away then, turning to gaze out at the rapidly darkening sky. "It _is_ beautiful, isn't it?"

"It's stunning."

Tali nodded. "Yeah, it is…it will surely be years before we can live without our suits completely, but right now…right now I have this." She reached up and unlatched her mask and pulled it away from her face. She stared out the sky for a moment, breathed in deeply, then looked over her shoulder at Shepard, grinning with joy.

Shepard was speechless. Tali was _alien_ in a way that the greatest artists only dreamed of. And she was_ gorgeous._

_... ... ...  
><em>

The celebrations were over; the adrenaline and post-victory highs had crashed, and the ship was growing quiet.

Kaidan stalked the hallways like a panther hunting his prey. He had checked their quarters, the cockpit, the suddenly-empty War Room, the armory, Garrus' workroom, engineering, the bar…he stormed deliberately into the kitchen. She was a biotic, she surely needed to eat after this day…but it was empty, a few discarded plates piled haphazardly in the sink. He leaned against the counter, sighing deeply as he ran a hand raggedly through his hair. The ship wasn't that big…

_Where the hell was she?_

Liara watched him from a table in the corner as she idly stirred her tea. She saw the lines creasing at the corners of his eyes and the weariness pulling at their lids, willed open by the desperation in his irises.

"I believe she's in the gym."

He spun around in surprise; he hadn't even noticed her there. He stared at her for a moment then blinked, shaking his head. "No, I checked there earlier."

"You must have been just ahead of her then. I'm fairly certain she's there now." She didn't share the fact that she knew this because she had surreptitiously installed hidden cameras in every area of the Normandy…save Shepard's quarters because even she couldn't bring herself to commit that particular invasion of privacy. It was, after all, merely a security measure in the event of an attack against her, or Shepard, or them all.

Kaidan bit his lower lip, then smiled gratefully at her. "Thank you, Liara. I need to…"

She nodded, and he turned and hurried down the hall. She sat back in the chair and slowly sipped her tea. She didn't know whether to satisfyingly congratulate herself on her selfless act committed in furtherance of Shepard's happiness, or to let tears fall slowly and dramatically into her mug…

He opened the door to the gym and found her viciously assaulting the punching bag in the far corner. How she could _possibly_ have the energy to even punch, much less dance quickly around the bag as she pummeled it, he would never know. Tendrils fell loose from her ponytail; a thin sheen of sweat shone on her face and neck. She didn't look up at him or in any way acknowledge his presence, and he felt the mask drop over his face as he approached her.

He stopped two meters away, crossing his arms over his chest. "_How_ could you do that?"

Her eyes flitted briefly over to him before returning to the bag as she sidestepped nimbly then launched a vicious combo upon it. Despite the exertion, her voice was flat. "We weren't on the ship; you could have ordered me to stand down if you disagreed."

He huffed a breath and shook his head slightly. "Arguably. I'm not entirely sure that a Spectre has to take orders from anyone other than the Council."

"I'm not either." She attacked the bag with a ferociousness that would have shocked all but the most stalwart of observers. He didn't flinch.

When the barrage had ceased she glanced quickly at him before returning her focus to the bag. "It worked out, didn't it?"

He exhaled sharply. "I don't _care_ that it worked out! You risked the entire Quarian Fleet – you were going to hand them to the Geth for the slaughter – the _Geth_! The same Geth that killed Ash, that – "

She whirled on him, eyes flaring sharply. "Don't you _dare_ bring Ash into this." Then she turned away just as quickly, her brow furrowing as she unleashed another attack on the bag; this time the punches were unfocused and slid haphazardly off it. "It's not that simple. You haven't seen what I have, you don't understand – "

He stepped abruptly in front of the punching bag and grabbed her fist in his palm as she punched outward.

She looked up at him in shock. In all the time, in all the battles she had shared with him, she had never known that he could be faster than her…

"Then _make_ me understand! You go inside that Geth server, you – you wouldn't tell me what happened in there, you wouldn't tell me what you were even _doing_, not really. You take on a Reaper all by yourself, because you're Commander Fucking Shepard, why the _hell_ not? You play a game of chicken with the Quarians, and the stakes are their entire species. You're right, I don't understand any of it. But that's because you haven't told me a goddamn thing – again!"

He took a step closer to her, still not releasing her fist. "You asked me to tell you when you were shutting me out. Newsflash, you're shutting me out. Graceyn, I love you more than _anything_, but I can't stand on the sidelines and watch while you fight this war alone. I can't stand on the outside and wait, hoping that one day I'll be let back in."

He released her fist and let her arm drop to her side. His eyes were suddenly watery as his voice dropped into softness. "For the last time…let me in. _Please._"

She stared at him, her expression unreadable as her eyes traced across his cheekbones, along his jaw, over the scar just below his lower lip, then upwards to his eyes. Finally she looked down at the floor, swallowed hard, and slowly turned away.

_Ever since her parents had died she had been alone, existing wholly within herself. Not the sad, lonely "alone" of course – she had had friends, companions, lovers, mentors, comrades-in-arms. She treasured people and thrived on being around them. But she had never before shared _everything_…shared her_ life_ with someone. She had told him she wanted to, and she had meant it…but it was so damn hard to change…_

His heart sank as she turned away. He opened his mouth, not knowing whether it was to yell or to beg, only knowing that he wasn't going to give up without a fight –

Then she began to speak, softly, her voice laden with emotion, as she wandered slowly around the room.

"When I went into the Geth server…their world was a grid of electricity and light. See, when I was caught in David Archer's construct, the grid had been green and yellow and…crude. Harsh. Angry. It frightened me – which is why I've never talked about it to anyone. But in the server…power raced all around me, pulsing with life. I could feel it in my skin, like I was a _part_ of it. The grid was all blues and silvers and whites…"

She turned around and her eyes raised to meet his, open and vulnerable. One corner of her mouth turned up ever so slightly.

"And it was _beautiful…_"


	62. Surprise

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 62**

"**Surprise"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: So about that Extended Cut. <em>_ My verdict? I'm happy – most of all because it restored a sense of hope and optimism to the game and to the Mass Effect universe, where before there was only desolation and despair. Above all, you can know that you WON. If you're interested in my more fulsome thoughts, they are in my most recent Journal entry on Deviant Art (Graceyn there as well)._

_But enough about that – for there is still a story to be told…_

* * *

><p><em><span>Thursday, 04:35 Galactic Standard Time (GST)<span>_

EDI carefully separated the Geth cyberwarfare code from the Reaper "upgrade" code, quarantining the Reaper code for later analysis and 'cherry-picking', as humans said. After the Collector attack, she was taking no chances. Her capabilities and understanding were now orders of magnitude greater than at the time of that incident, but that most of all had taught her to be more careful with what she didn't yet understand.

The Geth cyberwarfare code she gave a thorough analysis while downloading and categorizing the latest classified war reports from the Council, Alliance, Turian, Krogan, Asari, Salarian, Batarian…there were no Batarian war reports of note…building the technology behind the Quarian targeting laser into the Normandy's weapon systems, updating supply delivery schedules to the Krogan on Palaven, and scanning the Quarian and Geth databases she could now access.

Sitting in the co-pilot's chair, EDI smiled to herself as she waited for Jeff to awaken and arrive at his post for the day. She had discovered several Quarian jokes that she was 76.452% – which was to say, fairly – certain that he would find humorous, and she was eager to share them with him.

_Thursday, 05:42 GST_

"Glyph, reassign Agents Regimond, Qaal'Far, Simmons and Agramere from Geth surveillance to Asari space; the Reapers appear to be starting a push there. Keep Agents Dia'men and Jorgene on Geth surveillance, in case the peace begins to fray."

"As you wish, Shadow Broker."

Liara smiled slightly as she typed at her terminal. "It is rather remarkable what Shepard accomplished yesterday; I sincerely hope the peace holds. The Geth and the Quarians have been estranged for nearly three hundred years; I haven't been able to find anyone, even an Asari, who will tell me what a Quarian looks like under the mask. I know Tali pulled her mask off yesterday for a moment, and I almost caught a glimpse of her, but…well, I will ask Shepard about it later."

Her eyes scanned the constant incoming data…she frowned. Reaper forces were bombing the helium-3 refineries on Katebolo in the Silean Nebula. That could only mean one thing – they were headed for Cyone.

If the Reapers took Cyone, fuel for virtually the entire Asari fleet would be cut off. The planet was better defended than perhaps any Asari world save Thessia…but that may not be enough. "Glyph, send a message through back channels to Asari High Command suggesting that they reach out to the Alliance regarding bolstering Cyone's defenses. Mention that offering fuel supplies in exchange for Alliance assistance might be a useful strategy."

"As you wish, Shadow Broker."

She pulled back up the schematic of the Crucible, now heavily annotated with cross-links to files, correspondence, and her notes. In glaring red over in the right corner was "Catalyst", dozens of interlocking links sprouting out from it.

She sighed, shaking her head in frustration. What she wouldn't give to have access to just _one_ Prothean, just one living being that could explain what it meant…

_Thursday, 06:88 GST_

Tali stirred, slowly becoming aware of the most unusual sensation…that of warmth against her back.

"Good morning."

Her eyes widened briefly as she _remembered_…

"_Shepard has invited you to join her on the Normandy; she…requests your assistance in the fight against the Reapers."_

_Kal stopped, his back to her. "Does she now?"_

"_Yes, she said that you would be a valuable addition to the team, should you wish to join…us."_

_He took a deep breath, then turned around to her. "Though there is peace for now, danger still remains. Unless I have a good enough reason, I should probably stay with our people."_

_Tali's head dropped as she turned away slightly. "I believe the Geth are sincere; I think our people will be safe, truly. So if you wanted to join us – Shepard – I think it would be safe to do so – safe for our people, that is, it may not be entirely safe for you. But that's what you want, right? To fight?"_

_He stopped mere centimeters in front of her. "Not good enough. I need a better reason to leave my squad. Do you have one?"_

_She swallowed. "Of course I would be glad for your company on the ship as well."_

"_My company? That's quite complimentary to me, but…I'm afraid it's not enough. Please, thank the Commander for her most generous offer, but I should return to my unit." He turned towards the door, moving towards it ever so slowly._

_She exhaled sharply. "Please, Kal – come with us!"_

_He paused. "Why, ma'am?"_

"_Because you'll have the chance to help save the galaxy! To save everyone!"_

"_Why else?"_

_Her shoulder sagged as she sighed in acquiescence. She had nothing else. "Because I love you, and I don't want to be apart from you…"_

_He turned and walked back to her, smiling openly as his hand ran up her arm. "Now _that_ is a good enough reason, ma'am."_

She had never before woken up next to someone else in her bed. It was a strange, awkward and…wonderful…feeling. She smiled to herself. "Good morning."

His hand touched her shoulder. "Are you okay? With…this?"

She rolled over, nodding as her hand reached up to his. "Yes…_yes_. Are you? Because I'm sure Shepard can find other accomodat–"

He squeezed her hand. "_Yes._ I am."

"Okay then. I…I'm glad you're here, Kal."

"So am I, Tali."

She dropped her mask to his and relaxed. He smiled, rubbing a hand along her hip gently. "So, I was thinking I would see about breakfast then head down to the Armory; maybe I could help out there."

"Shepard said we should take it easy today, you don't need to – "

"I know…but I want to make myself useful. You know me, always got to be working."

"Okay. Lieutenant Cortez seems like a good man; I'm sure he'd welcome your help."

Kal nodded as he extricated himself from the snug cot. "Good, I'll see him then – "

"Yeah, it's just...the other man down there, Lieutenant Vega…"

He glanced over at her as he worked the kinks out of his shoulders. "What about him?"

"He's just very…_human_."

"Ma'am? Sorry…what do you mean, Tali?"

She frowned. "He's always saying these things, and I think he intends them to be jokes, or wisecracks, or, I don't know… But I think he means well, so…keep that in mind."

_Thursday, 07:05 GST_

"–pard, Admiral Hackett would like to speak with you."

"Hmm…" She felt Kaidan snuggle up closer against her in his sleep as she struggled to open her eyes. She kept her voice soft. "What was that, EDI?"

"I apologize for waking you, but Admiral Hackett is on the vid-comm. I thought you would want me to offer you the opportunity to speak with him."

She scrunched up her nose in annoyance, reaching up and rubbing her eyes. So much for sleeping in… "Okay, tell him I'll be there in five."

"I _distinctly_ remember you ordering everyone to take it easy today…" Kaidan murmured groggily in her ear.

She rolled over to face him, resting her forehead lightly against his. "Yeah…I'm guessing Hackett didn't get that message. Then again, he probably didn't have the kind of day we had yesterday either." She kissed him softly, her fingertips running down the rough stubble of his cheek.

It had been a very, _very_ late night for them, as she had slowly, haltingly at first, until finally the words had tumbled out over one another, shared what must have been her every fear, every doubt, every hope, every certainty…in the end, it had felt like she shared her very soul. Worth every minute of foregone sleep and a few thousand more, she thought. She knew that one night wasn't a cure-all, that she would need to keep working at it…but it was a damn good start. She kissed him again, then whispered against his lips. "Go back to sleep; I'll wake you if it's anything urgent – I promise."

"Hmm…if you insist…" He acquiesced as she gently untangled herself from his arms and climbed out of the bed. She looked back, smiling as he wrapped his arms around the pillow contentedly, then began pulling on some clothes.

_Thursday, 07:20 GST_

Garrus opened his eyes as his alarm beeped. He lay there, wondering for a moment what it was he had to do _this_ morning… Oh that's right, a call with Primarch Victus to review the state of the Palaven defense. He glanced at the clock – twenty minutes. Good enough.

He sat up and stretched. Assuming there wasn't any more urgent result from the call than 'we're holding for now, but the Reapers are slowly encroaching', after a nice breakfast he would settle in for a relatively leisurely day of working on squeezing another tenth of a percent of efficiency out of the guns while he futilely worried about his Dad and sister.

He liked the gun battery; it was brightly-lit, well laid-out, orderly. It gave him privacy without being isolated. But every now and then he missed the dim, shadowy recesses of the SR-1 shuttle bay, where he could peacefully toll away for hours without the harsh, bright lights of terminal readouts and urgent messages carrying little good news and all the responsibilities that came with being responsible.

Not that recreating that world was possible in any realistic way. This Normandy had a shuttle bay that was even more impressive, but between Cortez and the mechanics and good lord, Vega, it was so damn busy and loud down there…he wished just once he could have back the old SR-1 shuttle bay, with Ashley and that Requisitions guy Sam and even Wrex, and…

He paused half-way out of the cot. No, that was not only impossible but also insane _and_ against his own self-interest…

…still…

_Thursday, 08:31 GST_

"Ugh…" Vega rolled over and buried his face in the pillow. _Too many beers…probably shouldn't have started chasing them with a shot of whiskey either…_

It wasn't as if _he_ had actually had anything in particular to celebrate the night before – all he had done was shotgun a few Geth then stand around with his thumb up his ass while Legion dumped him and Garrus to go off with Shepard in a hovercraft with a Reaper on its tail. It sounded like he had missed quite the party though.

He started to sit up, then groaned and fell back onto the cot. _Entirely_ too many beers…but it had been worth it, because Steve had had a couple of those beers with him.

Little by little, day by day, Steve was coming back to life. Shepard was good for him; the crew, the mission, were good for him. Hopefully, _he_ was good for him.

It wasn't much – just a few beers in the ship's break room. But it was the first time he'd seen Steve relax, even just a little, since Robert had died. It was a start.

He rolled sluggishly out of the bed. He was going to need some _huervos_ _rancheros_ to cure this hangover…

_Thursday, 08:60 GST_

"So how would you like to see the Crucible?"

Liara looked up from her terminal, startled. "What?"

Shepard rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over the hoodie she had thrown on. "Does _anybody_ on this ship understand the words 'take it easy today'? I mean, we take out a Reaper base, we take out a fucking _Reaper_, we end a three-hundred-year-old war and reunite the warring species in peaceful harmony…I figure everybody deserves a day off. But _no_. Everywhere I go, people are bustling about, slaving away over work…"

Liara smirked slightly. "To be fair, Shepard, you did most of that yourself; we just watched."

She scoffed. "Well, I can think of a few former Geth who would disagree with that. So the question was, would you like to _see_ the Crucible? In person?"

Liara's eyes widened in excitement; suddenly she looked for all the world like a little girl on Christmas morning as she unwrapped her first present. It was a rare sight indeed, and Shepard vowed to remember it.

"_Would_ I? Of course I would! I mean, I've been receiving pictures and vids of their progress, but those can't convey the scale, or the details – it would be fascinating to see firsthand how they've solved the – "

Shepard chuckled heartily. "Okay, okay – I'll take that as a yes. Hackett has invited us to visit the project so we can review their progress, the remaining obstacles and how we might help them overcome those, the larger war strategy, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. We'll be there first thing in the morning."

Liara nodded distractedly. "Wonderful. I have lots of questions I will want to go over with – Glyph, begin a new list, title it Crucible Status Checklist. First…"

Shepard shook her head, laughing faintly to herself, and exited Liara's quarters unnoticed.

_Thursday, 11:23 GST_

"Yeah, the Alliance was in the middle of retrofitting the drive-core when the Reapers attacked; thank goodness it was in a workable state or we'd have never made it off Earth."

"It's a good thing you were on board. Anyone else wouldn't have known where the retrofits stood; if the stealth system had been pushed too hard it could have been catastrophic…"

Adams blushed slightly. "Well, EDI and I have done what we can; but now that you're here we can get down to serious business."

Tali giggled. "Thank you, Engineer Adams. It's nice to be welcomed."

Kaidan leaned against the railing, smiling. "I'd say you're more than welcomed, Tali – I'd say you were missed."

She looked around, at the beautiful drive core, at Adams, at Kaidan. "I missed it here, too. And all of you. The Admiralty Board was so…frustrating! The endless politics, the arguing – good lord how my people love to argue. But here, I can just listen to the hum of the engine, and work to make it better…" She sighed happily. "Okay. Where should I start?"

Adams eagerly typed on his console. "As the Major and I were discussing earlier, the biggest problem we have is the razor-thin safety limits. Cerberus played fast and loose with those limits, and at the Geth Dreadnought things got a little tight in here – "

The door opened and Garrus peeked his head in. "Kaidan, there you are. Do you have a few minutes?"

Kaidan looked over at Tali and Adams, but they were already heads-down into the displays. "Sure. What's up?"

"I have an idea I'd like to run past you."

_Thursday, 13:07 GST_

Shepard leaned casually on the back of Joker's chair. "So, EDI, where are we going?"

"The Crucible Project is located in an otherwise empty region of space in the Phoenix system of the Argos Rho cluster."

"Pinnacle Station?"

"Yes…and no. Pinnacle Station has been repurposed as an Alliance command and control center. The Alliance confiscated a retired dreadnought manufacturing plant, moved it to an unremarkable corner of the Phoenix system and repurposed it into the core of the Crucible construction facility. This provides easy travel for high-level officers between Pinnacle Station and the Crucible, while still maintaining secrecy. There is no reason for anyone to travel through the region of space in which the Crucible is located; unless one is given the precise coordinates, it is virtually impossible to find."

Shepard nodded slowly. "Fairly clever…so long as no one catches a tail."

EDI looked up at her. "Shepard, the location is not a great distance from Intai'sei."

She smiled wistfully, gazing up at the streaks of starlight through the viewport.

Joker glanced over his shoulder. "Didn't we go there once?"

"Yeah. You remember when we ran through the Pinnacle training sims? I won a little bet with the Admiral in charge there, scored an apartment on Intai'sei out of it. Only got to visit it that one time…nice little place; hot as hell, but nice." She sighed. "The only time I've ever had a place of my own. Always figured there would be time to do something with it…"

EDI smiled slightly. "Perhaps you could visit it after you finish your meetings at the Crucible?"

Her eyes sparkled for the slightest moment; then she blinked and shook her head. "No. If it still stands when the war is over and we've won…then I'll go there. But not now."

_Thursday, 13:07 GST_

Cortez looked at them thoughtfully. "Sure, theoretically it's possible…" He turned to the console and typed for a minute, then shook his head. "Bad news – I'm afraid every single one the Alliance owns has been requisitioned by the strike teams for their raids."

Garrus gazed down the shuttle bay. "What about direct from the manufacturer?"

Cortez smiled. "Ah, now that just _might_ work. I have a few contacts there." He typed briefly, then touched the comm in his ear. "Hey Reynolds, it's Steve Cortez…yeah, you heard right…we're fighting, that's as much as I can say…listen, I've got a question for you…"

Several minutes later he cut the connection and turned back to them. "Looks like we can get a special order – but it's going to cost."

Kaidan nodded; he had expected that. "How much?"

Cortez leaned back so he could see the screen. Kaidan's eyebrows raised briefly, then he nodded. "We can do that."

Cortez shook his head slowly. "Okay…the manufacturing facility is on Terra Nova; they can have it ready tomorrow."

Garrus frowned slightly. "After we drop Shepard and Liara off at the Crucible in the morning – can we get there and back in less than ten hours?"

Cortez looked up. "EDI?"

"There will not be much margin for error. But optimally, a round-trip will take 8.28 hours; allowing one hour at the facility, it will be possible to be back at the Crucible 0.72 hours before the scheduled ending of Shepard's visit."

"Shit, I forgot about her…" Garrus muttered under his breath. "EDI, you _do_ realize this is a secret, right? Shepard's not supposed to know about it."

"I do not understand. I am reasonably certain that Shepard will be pleased with the idea of acquiring – "

"Of course she will, EDI." Garrus' tone was patient and understanding. "But she'll be even _more_ pleased if it's a surprise, see?"

"In my experience Shepard does not typically react favorably to surprises."

Kaidan sighed quietly. "Fair point. But she will to this one. Trust us, EDI."

"Data would indicate that the two of you know her personality better than anyone else. So long as it does not conflict with any of my other directives, I will refrain from informing Shepard."

"Thank you, EDI."

Garrus leaned close and whispered in Kaidan's ear. "If we're late getting back, Shepard's going to kill you for running off with her ship – you know that, right?"

Kaidan shook his head. "Nope – she's going to kill _you_ for running off with her ship."

_Thursday,16:93 GST _

"James, you going to be able to handle a second day in a row with nothing to do but clean guns?"

He glanced over at her as he broke down the shotgun. "Hell, Shepard, I spent six months doing pretty much nothing but stand outside your quarters. Downtime doesn't bother me. I'd rather be killing Reapers, mind you, but I get that you need to stop in at the Crucible."

"Alright." She patted him on the shoulder and turned to go.

"So…since we're checking in places and all, any chance we'll be dropping by the Citadel anytime soon?"

She stopped, glancing back over her shoulder. "Probably; I'm sure will get a reason to go back sooner or later. Why, is there something you need to take care of there?"

He concentrated on oiling the firing chamber. "Nah…was just thinking I'd check the refugee lists while we were there. It's _loco_ that we can't get access to them from here."

She watched him a moment, noting the hard tension in his shoulders and the forced casualness in his voice. She stepped back over into his work area, leaning against the wall and crossing one ankle over the other. "Did you have family on Earth?"

His eyes cut over to her briefly. "I got an uncle there, Emilio; would like to know if he made it off okay. No reason to think he did, but…"

"No parents? Siblings?"

His palms dropped to the worktable. "My Mom died when I was young. My Dad…well, my Dad was on Earth too, I guess."

Her voice was kind. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He chuckled. "You're going to have to buy me a beer, maybe two or three or four, if you want _that_ story."

She grinned mischievously. "Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe there's a bar upstairs…"

"Ha…" He gazed over at her for a long moment, then nodded slightly. "Okay."

... ... ...

"So yeah…for me, the marines were a way out. A chance at a fresh start, at actually making something of my fucked-up life. And it turned out being a marine was the one thing I was actually good at."

He breathed out harshly, then took a long swig before setting the bottle down a little too hard on the bar. "And then Fehl Prime happened, and it seemed like the last nine years had all been one big joke the universe had played on me; I was a fuck-up just like my Dad, and nothing I could do would ever change that."

Shepard sipped her beer; the night before an all-day meeting with Hackett wasn't _actually_ the time to get drunk. "James, you didn't do anything wrong on Fehl Prime; in fact, you performed above and beyond the call of duty."

He tossed the empty bottle into the disposal and quickly popped the cap on another one. "Yeah, well you weren't there."

She dropped an elbow onto the bar, leaning into her palm. "No, I wasn't. But after you mentioned it, I did some digging. You were faced with an unprecedented attack by an unknown enemy, a dead CO, and a traitor in your midst. You kept your head about you, took out the bad guys, _and_ got vital intel to your superiors, intel that would have been key to fighting the Collectors if I had failed. And most of all, you found a way to survive."

He huffed a breath. "I just did what I thought was right at the time, I don't know…"

"And that means you have damn good instincts – a must for the best soldiers. The right choice is usually not the easy one, James." She paused. "So in the early days of the war, Alliance communications were in shambles. But once they started clearing up, I got a full file dump on the Normandy crew. The day of the Reaper attack, you were recommended for ICT."

He stared at his beer. "I know. Doesn't matter."

"It doesn't _matter_?"

"There won't _be_ an N-School if the Reapers win."

"And if _we_ win? James, that rec means more than one person thinks that you're one of the best soldiers in the military _and_ that you have the makings of a great leader."

He gazed over at her. "And you? What do you think, Shepard?"

She met his gaze. "I think they're right."

He exhaled slowly, and it seemed that maybe a weight lifted off his shoulders, just a little bit. He laughed and took another swig. "So what's ICT like? Is it as bad as they say?"

She grinned wickedly. "Oh, it's so, _so_ much worse."

He nodded slowly. "Sounds like fun then."

* * *

><p><em><span>Friday, 07:38 GST<span>_

Shepard twisted the band a final time, pulling her hair into a tight ponytail. Hackett had seen her hair down on the vid-comm several times now, of course; still, no reason to flaunt her blatant disregard of Alliance regs to his face.

She glanced back at Kaidan as he stepped out of the bathroom, toweling off his hair. "Sure you don't want to come?"

"Yeah. Garrus and I are going to go over the schematics for the gun battery, see if we can find what's causing a spike in the power flow about every four hours."

She smiled. "I'm glad you two worked things out."

He sidled up behind her and kissed her neck softly. "Told you we would." After lingering a moment he pulled back and headed down the stairs. "Give my regards to Admiral Hackett."

"Will do." She straightened her jacket, checked her reflection once, then turned towards the door. "Have fun today."

He watched her walk out the door, smiling to himself. "Oh, we will…"

_Friday, 08:04 GST_

"Admiral Hackett, it's good to see you."

He returned her tight salute. "Commander Shepard, Dr. T'Soni. Welcome to the Crucible Project." He motioned them into his office, then gestured towards the large screen on the wall. "Commander, I was just watching your interview on _Battle Space_…"

"_Just to be clear then – the Geth are now our allies, and no longer dangerous robots that stick humans on spikes?"_

_Shepard smiled politely. "That would be correct, Ms. Allers." She exhaled, looking down, then after a moment looked back at the camera…and she seemed to shine, the face of a warrior, the face of a savior. _

"_Understand, what happened here is nothing short of remarkable. The Geth and the Quarians have been at war with one another for three hundred years, yet today they are at peace; more than that, they are working together. And now, instead of using all their resources to fight one another, they will be using those resources to fight the Reapers. Together, alongside us. Alongside the Turians and the Krogan, who are also at peace and working together."_

_She paced slowly, hands clasped behind her back, turning halfway back to the camera. "It is my belief that the Reapers have never faced a cycle like ours – a galaxy teeming with diversity and uniqueness, yet united against them. We fight them in a thousand different ways on a thousand different worlds – yet we fight them together. And we'll find a way to win."_

Hackett cut the feed and looked over at her. "You're a hell of a public speaker, Commander."

Her chin notched up slightly. "I just try to say what people need to hear, sir, in a way they want to hear it."

"Well, you're damn good at it. Anyone who thinks you merely a soldier is sorely mistaken."

"Sir, I – "

"Right now people need something to believe in – and you make them believe in you. So thank you."

_Friday, 08:08 GST_

"Nope. No way. Nuh-uh." Joker crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back in the pilot's chair, and nodded decisively.

Garrus rolled his eyes casually. "Come on, Joker. She won't even know we were gone."

"Oh, she'll know. Somehow, someway, she'll _know_. EDI, tell them we won't do it."

EDI looked over from the co-pilot's chair. "In Shepard's absence, Major Alenko is the Commanding Officer of the Normandy, Jeff. If he orders us to go, under Alliance regulations we are required to do so."

"But – "

Kaidan exhaled, then straightened his stance dramatically, clasping his hands formally behind his back. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau, I am ordering the Normandy to proceed to the coordinates provided by Lieutenant Cortez. Am I clear?"

Joker sagged down in his chair. "Thanks a lot, EDI…" His eyes narrowed at Kaidan briefly, then he spun the chair around, shaking his head. "If we're not here when she's done, she's going to kill you – you know that, right?"

Kaidan tilted his head towards Garrus. "Nope – she's going to kill _him_."

Joker raised an eyebrow. "But you're the one that gave the order…"

Kaidan bit his lower lip. _What the hell, it's not like it's a secret…_ "Yeah, but _he's_ not sleeping with her."

Joker thought about it a moment, then looked over at Garrus. "The man's got a point. I think maybe she's going to kill _you_."

Garrus stared out the viewport, nodding slowly. "I know…"

_Friday, 08:10 GST_

Hackett pressed a button and the privacy panels slowly slid back from the windows lining his office. Shepard and Liara walked up to the windows, mouths agape and eyes wide.

"I say again…welcome to the Crucible Project."

Before them was a colossal…structure. Not quite a space station, not quite a ship…elegant and graceful in design, yet with telltale signs of function and purpose throughout. It was dominated by a three-quarters complete massive orb; latticed arms extended out from either side, the left arm resembling a propulsion system, the shorter right one a firing mechanism. Scaffolding surrounded the structure; hundreds – no, thousands – of people and mechs crawled amongst it like ants. Personnel and supply transports zoomed through the space around it.

"By the goddess…I never imagined…"

After the momentary shock wore off, Shepard's eyes flitted quickly around the scene, taking in the full operation. "How many personnel?"

Hackett came up beside them. "14,283…and that's not counting the Geth and Quarian engineers that are scheduled to start arriving tomorrow."

She nodded, still staring out at the astonishing creation before her. "Percent complete?"

"Not counting the Catalyst? 72%, give or take."

"And you still don't know what it does."

"We'll talk more about that later. First, we have more immediate concerns to discuss. Dr. T'Soni, I'm going to have Kahlee Sanders show you around and take you wherever you need to go. I know there are several research teams hoping to consult with you today on some thorny issues."

Shepard reluctantly pulled her eyes away from the view and turned as Kahlee entered the room. She walked over, smiling. "Kahlee, it's good to see you again. How are you settling in?"

"Dr. Sanders has been a godsend. In addition to providing important insights into the VI intended to control the Crucible, she has taken over day-to-day management of a number of the research teams, freeing up more of my time for the war effort."

Kahlee smiled. "Just trying to do whatever I can, sir. Liara, if you're ready to come with me, we have a busy day ahead of us."

As the door closed behind them, Shepard turned to Hackett. "Okay, Admiral. Let's talk war."

He nodded, turning towards the large desk in the back of the room. "First, the bad news. We lost Bekenstein yesterday."

She sucked in a breath. She remembered late-afternoon sun glittering off a city of high-rises set against a crystal blue sky. "Yesterday? I don't understand."

"The Reapers didn't land; they're not harvesting the population. They simply unleashed an aerial bombardment. In less than eight hours they bombed Milgrom into rubble; they destroyed the manufacturing facilities, the outer settlements. Fewer than 30,000 made it off planet."

She nodded sharply. _No time for mourning, only for avenging._ "What else?"

"The Asari are losing Illium to a combination of aerial bombing and ground forces."

She closed her eyes_…they were at least fifty floors in the air; there was no railing on the bridge. The entirety of Nos Astra spread out below their feet, the city lights shining so brightly they almost turned night into day. It was beautiful. The nature of her career was such that she'd spent rather little time in metropolitan areas…but she loved their energy, their dynamism. She loved their lights…_

She opened her eyes and gazed over at Hackett, her jaw set in a grim line. "Is there anywhere where we are winning?"

He smiled. "That would be the _good_ news…"

_Friday, 10:20 GST_

Liara stared at the screen as the simulation ran. She didn't blink as her eyes traced the surging lines of power.

"Run it again." She watched. "The lag along these lines occurs every time?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Mid-way through the fifth run she turned away suddenly, went to the nearest terminal and began typing rapidly. "You're going to need beryllium, a lot of it. I'll take care of that as soon as I get back to the Normandy." She frowned at the screen for a moment, then resumed typing in a flurry.

Those in the room, including some of the brightest engineers the galaxy had to offer, simply stood there watching her. It was another three minutes before she finally pushed back from the terminal.

"There. This redesigned capacitor should lessen the impedance of the energy flow, shaving 3.6 milliseconds off the mass effect fields' activation times. Use them – " she hurried back over to the simulation " – in the circuits here, here, here and…here. They should speed up those energy flows to match the others…hopefully to synchronicity."

Dr. Lok approached her, hand outstretched. "Thank you, Dr. T'Soni. You have likely saved us countless hours of dead-end research and failed trials."

Liara smiled modestly. "I'm glad I could help. You have my private address; please feel free to contact me if I can be of any further assistance."

She turned and walked out of the room and onto the next problem, the faintest hint of a smirk dancing on her lips. Not only was she better than the best scientists and engineers the galaxy had to offer, maybe…just maybe…she was as good as the Protheans.

_Friday, 12:38 GST_

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but there's been a small delay."

Cortez frowned at the desk clerk. "What's the problem?"

"There was an interruption in deliveries from our glass supplier due to the Reapers hitting the system it's located in. They're coming in now though; it shouldn't take us long to get it installed."

Garrus cleared his throat. "Um…how long is 'not long'?"

"An hour, maybe two."

He cringed. "How about we do whatever we can to speed that up, okay?"

"Yes, sir." The clerk turned and hurried through the door.

Kaidan glanced over as Garrus leaned heavily against the wall. "She's definitely going to kill you, you know."

Garrus sighed. "I know."

_Friday, 13:14 GST_

"Anderson, good to see you again."

The hologram solidified as Anderson nodded. "Hackett, Shepard. How goes the fight out there?"

Hackett responded. "We've had some setbacks, but also some important victories. The Commander here managed to broker peace between the Quarians and the Geth, and bring them both into the fight on our side. I daresay we'll begin to see the benefits of that little coup very soon."

Anderson's head shook dramatically. "Damn, Shepard. I thought I knew what you could do, but…_damn_."

She chuckled lightly in spite of herself; even light-years away on a war-ravaged planet fighting for his life, Anderson somehow managed to bring the proper levity to the situation. "Just another day at the office. So what about you? Kicked the Reapers off Earth yet?"

"Not just yet. Maybe tomorrow." He sighed wearily. "In all seriousness though…I'm glad you're both on the line. We're getting some strange developments here. All our intel is pointing to unusual Reaper activity in London. They seem to be massing there, and not moving on once it's been picked clean. It's almost like they're setting up residence."

Hackett paced slowly. "We haven't seen any signs of that sort of behavior from the Reapers elsewhere, Anderson. Any ideas on what they could be doing?"

"No…but I intend to find out. We've decided to make a go at getting there. We're not doing much more than surviving out here; maybe there we can make a difference. But it means circling back to Vancouver – it's the only place nearby that we'll find a plane capable of making a transatlantic flight. If we can get a plane, get across the continent and out over the Atlantic under the cover of darkness, we stand a chance."

"That's a hell of a risky move."

"It's a risk we've got to take. No second chances here. Anyway, it means I'll be out of contact for a while. Days, probably longer. I'll try to make contact as soon as we're secure on European soil, but I make no promises."

Hackett nodded. "Understood. May the winds of favor be with you, David."

Shepard smiled affectionately at him. "Godspeed, Anderson."

"And to you both."

_Friday, 14:36 GST_

Cortez leaned into his comm over the din of the shuttle bay. "The cargo is aboard and secure. I repeat, the cargo is aboard and secure."

Kaidan clapped the back of Joker's chair. "Get us back there – now."

"Yeah, yeah, on the way." He glanced over his shoulder. "She's going to kill…well, _one_ of you, you know."

Kaidan jerked his thumb in Garrus' direction.

Garrus raised his hands in defeat. "I _know_."

_Friday, 15:80 GST _

Shepard, Hackett and Liara sat around the conference table. The hologram of the Crucible schematic hovered over the table even as its physical embodiment hovered outside the windows.

Hackett tapped the console and the hologram zoomed in on the right arm. "So we know this is the firing mechanism. We know the Crucible generates a massive amount of energy using cascading mass effect fields, and all that energy is directed into the firing mechanism. We know the firing mechanism has a frame on it that seems to serve no purpose other than as a docking lock…it's as if it's designed to have something attach to it, similar to a silencer on a twentieth-century rifle. We know the firing mechanism requires an additional component called the 'Catalyst'; yet structurally the mechanism is complete _without_ this Catalyst. That seems to imply that – "

" – the firing mechanism is designed to dock with the Catalyst."

Shepard's gaze swung from the schematic over to Liara. "That would mean the Catalyst isn't some material or process – it's an _object_?"

Liara nodded tightly.

"That's the conclusion that our top scientists have reached as well. Understand, we've kept knowledge of even the existence of the Catalyst to a tiny, core group of people; while it would be bad if word of the Crucible got out before we were ready to use it, it would be far worse if word got out that we didn't how _how_ to use it."

Shepard stared at the schematic again. "An object…that is, well, a catalyst…it makes sense, really. An accelerant, or possibly a transformant…" She nodded sharply. "That's it. Either it takes the energy created by the Crucible and amplifies it – probably by several orders of magnitude – before sending it out, or it transforms the energy into something else entirely."

She gave them a wry grin. "Given that we don't know what it _is_, that probably doesn't actually help us much."

Liara smiled genuinely at her. "But as soon as we _do_ know what it is, it will help us a great deal."

Shepard returned the smile. "So let's couple that with the fact that we know the Protheans deliberately obscured the nature of the Catalyst – "

Hackett interrupted her. "I'm sorry, I wasn't informed that we knew this?"

"Well, we don't _know_ it…but we're pretty damn sure of it. All the other details of the schematic are clearly, painstakingly even, laid out. Everything we know about the Protheans tells us that they were methodical, logical, disciplined people. They wouldn't have just overlooked this little detail."

Hackett stared at her. "Okay, I'll buy that. So we have an object, crucial to the operation of the Crucible, its identity deliberately hidden from us. This does put a new twist on the problem." He raised an eyebrow at them. "Any thoughts?"

He nodded thoughtfully at the silence. "Still, you've given us an entirely new angle to pursue. That's something."

Shepard smiled distractedly, but her attention was focused on the firing mechanism. It looked like an unfinished masterpiece, waiting for the missing piece that would make it complete.

Liara suddenly sat up straight. "If it's an object, it could be a Prothean artifact. They left so much for us to find – the beacons, the archives, treasures on dozens of worlds. What if one of the artifacts is the Catalyst, or at least a pointer to it?" She smiled, her eyes lighting up. "What if in the end they knew they weren't going to be able to complete the Crucible in time, and left the Catalyst to us. Its identity was hidden in order to ensure that we were worthy of it, were capable of using the Crucible as it was intended…" She pursed her lips. "It's not an artifact we already have – I have run a number of exhaustive searches on my artifact database – but just because we haven't found it yet doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They would have given us a way, I _know_ it."

Hackett's head tilted slightly, his chin dropping to his hand. "That's an intriguing idea, Dr. T'Soni…especially since we just received intel yesterday that Cerberus has uncovered a major Prothean artifact on Eden Prime…"

Shepard's head snapped over to him. "Eden Prime? Is it another beacon?"

"We don't know. All we know is that Cerberus has sent enough forces to occupy the entire colony, presumably in order to make absolutely certain that artifact is protected."

Her eyes narrowed. "Well that's damn interesting. Liara, I think maybe we should go see what the fuss is all about."

Liara smiled, eyes twinkling. "I think maybe you're right."

_Friday, 17:95 GST_

Shepard shook Hackett's hand warmly. "Thank you, Admiral. This has been a most informative and enlightening visit. I can honestly say that, despite the obstacles remaining, I'm leaving here more optimistic about our chances than when I arrived."

He nodded appreciatively. "And I as well. Your and Dr. T'Soni's insights have given us a jump-start in a number of areas, both scientific and military. Thank you, Commander. Doctor." He paused, and his voice dropped the formal tone. "Shepard, I know we hold the ultimate weapon against the Reapers here, in this facility. But until it's ready…_you_ are our biggest weapon against the Reapers. Militarily, and psychologically. Between the Turians, the Krogan, the Rachni, now the Quarians and the Geth, you've brought more forces to our side than all others combined. But perhaps even more importantly, you've brought hope to everyone out there. Keep fighting, Commander."

She smiled so brightly it could surely light the night sky, and the grizzled old veteran found himself caught in its wake for a moment.

He had believed in Shepard for a long time. Early on in her career it had become clear that she was one of the most talented soldiers walking; she had talent, spirit, determination and most of all an iron will. As he had with others who showed potential, he had nurtured it over the years when and where he could. And when she had come into her own, he had used her when and where he needed – for the simple if cynical fact remained that soldiers were tools to be used, preferably in ways that their particular talents could have the most effect. His early understanding of this truth was one of the reasons he had been an Admiral for a very long time.

But when she smiled at him…for the briefest second he was young again, and could believe in right and truth and hope; he could believe in heroes.

He chuckled to himself, shaking off the spell and reaching out to shake her hand. "Good luck, Commander."

Her head dipped slightly. "And to you, Admiral."

She hit her comm as she exited his office. "Normandy, we are ready for pickup." She was met with silence. "I repeat – Normandy, we are ready for pickup." Her pace slowed. There was no response. She frowned at Liara. "I'm not getting anything…" She hit the comm again. "Normandy, do you read me?"

She turned around and stuck her head back in the office. "Excuse me, Admiral. May I use your comm station?"

... ... ...

"What do you mean, they're _not here_?"

The communications officer frowned in confusion. "Commander, the Normandy disengaged from the airlock approximately five minutes after you disembarked. They traveled to the Mass Relay and went through it, at which point we ceased monitoring their course."

Shepard's voice was icily calm. "I see. Thank you, Specialist. If you would be so kind as to inform me when the Normandy returns through the Mass Relay, I would appreciate it."

Liara looked at her in concern. "Shepard, what do you think happened?"

Her voice was ice, but her eyes were fire. "I don't know. But I do know one thing. If they're not dead, I'm going to kill them."

_Friday, 18:54 GST_

Shepard stormed into the Normandy. "JOKER!"

Joker was facing her in his chair, hands in the air in the universal sign of surrender, as she rounded the corner to the cockpit. "They made me do it, Commander – I swear!"

"You stole my ship!"

"We only borrowed it for a few hours, Shepard." She spun around at the sound of Kaidan's voice. "I'm _very_ sorry, we thought we'd be back before you were done."

Her eyes narrowed threateningly. "You _borrowed_ it?"

He smiled patiently. "Just come to the shuttle bay and Garrus will explain everything."

"What do you mean, _Garrus_ will explain everything…why don't _you_ explain everything?"

"Because this is _not_ my deal." He gestured behind him. "Garrus, shuttle bay."

"_Fine_. I'll go to the shuttle bay. To kill him. Then I just might be back for you." She stormed past him towards the elevator.

He whispered into his comm before jogging to catch up with her. "Be advised, Hurricane Shepard incoming, eta twenty seconds."

Garrus met her as the elevator doors opened. "Shepard, just – "

Her eyes flared bright blue. "How could you steal my ship? Do you have any _idea_ how worried I was? What if something had happened? What if you had run into Reapers? What if – "

He placed a hand on her shoulder calmly, a slight smile on his face. "Just come over here, okay?"

She knocked his hand off. "No. Why did you steal my ship?"

"We didn't steal it; we just borrowed it for a few hours. We had to pick up something."

"Pick _up_ something? What in god's name could you possibly have to _pick up_ that would justify stealing my ship?"

His eyes twinkled. "It's a surprise."

Her eyes narrowed. "I don't like surprises."

"Sure you do. You liked it when 'Archangel' turned out to be me, right? Look, you can kick my ass later, I won't even fight back. But first, just _come with me_. Please?"

She eyed him suspiciously, but didn't resist when he reached out and grasped her hand, pulling her gently forward. He led her down the center of the shuttle bay; as they passed the Kodiak on the right, the overhead lights suddenly turned on to full brightness, revealing –

– a brand new, spit-shined M35 Mako.

She froze, dropping Garrus' hand unnoticed, her eyes widening. Her lips slowly turned up, transforming into a brilliant smile as she started laughing in delight.

Kaidan cleared his throat, trying not to grin. "It was Garrus' idea."

Garrus smiled abashedly. "Well, Kaidan helped…"

James threw an arm tightly around Cortez' shoulder, squeezing it hard. "It would have all been a pipe-dream if it wasn't for Esteban here."

She turned, looking around at them in wonder. "I checked, they were all requisitioned…"

Cortez nodded. "I have a few contacts at the manufacturer; we were able to acquire one directly."

She grinned brightly. "I can't believe it. Thank you guys, all of you. _Thank you_, Garrus."

She squeezed Garrus' shoulder then stepped over to the Mako. She ran a hand along its side reverently, then pulled the latch and opened the door, sticking her head in. "It's just like the original one!"

Cortez leaned around his terminal. "Yes, ma'am. They haven't released any newer models in the last several years, preferring to focus on more lightweight vehicles."

"Their loss…" She flipped a switch and the dashboard lit up, evoking a gleeful cackle.

Kaidan smiled over at Garrus. "Good job, man."

Garrus nodded slowly, his voice soft. "Glad I'm not dead. But it was worth the risk…it's nice to see her so happy. She deserves as many moments like this as she can get."

Kaidan watched her crawling over to the driver's seat, peering down at the floor pedals. "Yeah, she certainly does…"

Garrus straightened up. "Okay, Shepard. Kaidan and I do _actually_ have some work to do on the weapons battery, so we'll leave you to your new toy."

"Okay…" came the muffled reply from the open hatch of the Mako.

As the elevator doors closed behind them, Kaidan looked over at Garrus. "You _do_ remember how she drove the last one? That Mako's going to be the death of us – you know that, right?"

Garrus nodded sagely. "I know."


	63. The One That Got Away

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 63**

"**The One That Got Away"**

* * *

><p>Shepard reached up and ran her fingertips along the raised letters emblazoned on the Memorial Wall.<p>

"_Who wants to dance?" _

_The strobe lights of Flux pulsed to the rhythmic beat of generic club music, carrying no message but one: Dance to me. You know you want to._

_Ashley was already swaying to the beat. "I'm up for it, ma'am."_

_Shepard glanced over at Alenko. "Lieutenant?"_

_Kaidan cleared his throat, looking around at anything but her. The club was fairly crowded, but not packed this early in the evening. "Um, no ma'am, that's okay. I'll just go find us a table…" He turned and hurried off._

_The trip back to the Citadel so soon after leaving it to chase Saren wasn't ideal. But after finding Admiral Kahoku's men massacred by a thresher maw in a deliberate ambush set by an unknown party, she had felt it best to deliver the bad news, and the details, in person. Some Asari diplomat wanted to talk with her too, so…here they were. _

_In an effort to get to know her motley crew a little better she had invited them all out for an evening's relaxation, but had met with only moderate success. Liara had begged off to spend the evening reviewing her files on the Protheans in light of what Shepard had seen from the beacon; Garrus had begged off to install some new shocks on the Mako after its encounter with the maw on Edolus; Tali had begged off to go over some engine schematics with Adams; Wrex had at least left the ship, wandering off somewhere to have whatever it was he called fun. Alenko had been reluctant, but Williams had goaded him into coming along._

_She grinned at Williams and gestured towards the dance floor. "After you, Chief…" They found a little room on the floor and settled into an easy rhythm. The beat was insistent, thrumming into her bones, demanding that she meet it. For a few moments she complied, giving up the weight of the galaxy to the music._

_Ashley glanced over. "Where did you learn to dance like that, Commander? You're pretty damn good."_

_She smiled absently. "I didn't. I just…naturally feel the music, I guess. You're quite good yourself – and I _know_ they didn't teach dancing in basic…"_

_Ashley started to respond when a fairly handsome guy danced up beside her, leaning in close. "I haven't seen you around here before – care to join me?"_

_Ashley glanced up and down him once, raised an eyebrow, and shook her head. "No thanks…" She turned away and danced her way back over beside Shepard._

_The song soon ended and they headed off the dance floor to find their table, flopping dramatically into the chairs. "Lieutenant, would you be so kind as to acquire us some beverages of the alcoholic variety?" He smiled and nodded, leaving them alone as he headed off to the bar._

_She glanced over at Williams. "So that guy wasn't your type…or do you have someone waiting at home for you?"_

_Ashley rolled her eyes. "No and no. _Men_…it seems like they are all either gung-ho ground-pounders that wouldn't know a poem if it slapped them in the ass, or quiet sensitive types who faint at the mere mention of war…"_

_Shepard laughed. "I could see how that might be a problem. You know…the Lieutenant seems like he might be able to handle both…"_

_Ashley huffed a breath. "Eh…yeah, I suppose so; he's more of a big brother type though, at least for me. Besides…I believe he's already got it bad for someone else."_

_Shepard frowned instinctively. "It isn't Liara, is it?"_

_Ashley fought back a grin. "No, ma'am. Why would you think that?"_

_She shrugged. "Well, most men seem to have the hots for Asari…"_

_Ashley smiled thoughtfully. "With respect, I'm not sure the Lieutenant is 'most men'."_

_Shepard's eyes drifted unbidden over to the bar where Alenko stood in line. "Huh."_

_Ashley watched her curiously. "So what about you, ma'am?"_

_She pulled her eyes away from Alenko and back to Ashley. "Nothing serious for a while now…nothing _really_ serious for, well, ever. I just don't have the time…special forces soldiers don't exactly serve long, stable tours of duty; half the time I don't know where I'll be the next week, much less the next month. Not really a conducive environment for long-term relationships."_

_Ashley nodded sagely. "I imagine…" She sighed. "There was this one guy a couple of years ago. Andrew. He was a field rep for Hahne-Kedar, that's how we met. Smart guy, well-read, but understood the military…I actually thought I'd found that rare one that was the best of both worlds…"_

"_What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"_

_Ashley chuckled ruefully. "We fell in love, which of course meant disaster. I got assigned to the 212 and was shipping out for a six-month tour. The afternoon before I was scheduled to leave, I was in the bedroom packing when he suddenly walked in, leaned against the doorframe, and said 'Aren't you afraid that you'll die?' I told him that of course I would prefer to live to the ripe old age of 150, but if that couldn't happen, then I just wanted to make sure I died kicking-ass in a blaze of glory. He stared at me for a minute then responded, 'It doesn't matter if you die heroically or not – you'll still be gone. I can't sit here and wait for that day to come.' I shipped out the next day, and I never saw him again."_

_She shook her head slowly. "The one that got away…I really thought I was going to marry that guy."_

_Kaidan returned at that moment, hands full of drinks. Ashley took a glass, looked around at them, smiled, and lifted her glass. "A toast. To going out in a blaze of glory."_

_They clinked their glasses together enthusiastically. "To a blaze of glory!"_

Shepard smiled sadly. "You sure did that, Ash…you did that in spades."

"Commander, the shuttle is ready to depart whenever you are."

She hit her comm. "Okay, thank you Steve. I'll be right down." She stared at the Memorial Wall another moment, then turned and stepped into the elevator.

... ... ...

"Just hang tight, Lieutenant. We won't be long." She stepped out of the shuttle.

The broken beacon still stood at the edge of the platform. The spaceport had been abandoned after the attack, a new one built closer to the colony, and there was no sign of Cerberus this far out. She walked up to the remains of the beacon and reached out, touching it softly and closing her eyes.

– _Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Screams, words that were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. And through the barrage, one emotion, one message dominated every image – _

_Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._

Yes, she thought grimly, they most certainly had been.

"Do you regret it?"

She turned back to Kaidan, smiling softly. "Never. If it weren't for the visions it gave me, everyone would already be dead. They gave me the power to stop the Reapers, to save the galaxy. They made me worth resurrecting from the dead. In a way, they gave me you." She stepped closer and grasped his hand in hers. "I'll take a few sleepless nights for all that any day."

She looked back at the beacon one last time, then turned back to the shuttle. "Come on, let's get out of here. We've got some Cerberus ass to kick."

... ... ...

The Cerberus commando slammed into the dividing wall erected to shield the research station from prying eyes and slid lifelessly to the ground next to his comrades.

James completed a circular sweep. "I think that's all of them, Commander."

"For now." Her eyes quickly darted around the landscape. "Alright. James, EDI, Lieutenant Reegar – hold the perimeter, and keep your eyes peeled. There's a hell of a lot of Cerberus somewhere, and I guarantee they'll be headed our way soon. Everyone else, let's find this artifact and get out of here."

They found a gap in the wall, slid through it and approached the ledge.

"Look at that…"

Cerberus had dug a vast swath through the natural beauty of the Eden Prime landscape, and in doing so they had unearthed several large Prothean structures. Shepard was again struck by the simple, minimalist grace of Prothean architecture. Clean lines of dark metal projected towards the sky, accented by thin lines that in another time would have glowed green.

Liara exhaled slowly. "What secrets must be buried in there…"

"Well we know they dug up one of them. Let's start with that one." She leapt off the ledge to the dirt two meters below.

The focal point of the dig was immediately obvious, an elaborate scaffolding and elevator system built into the reinforced wall of the cavern. Liara hurried up to the control panel, typing rapidly. "There, the elevator should be on its way up."

A moment later the elevator came into view as it rose until it was level with the grate flooring. No one spoke for a moment, then everyone spoke at once.

"Is that – "

"It looks like – "

" – a stasis pod."

" – Ilos."

" – Goddess, it's a _Prothean_."

Liara ran her hand reverently along the top of the casket-like enclosure. "This is…this is…"

Shepard stepped up and put a hand on Liara's shoulder. "It's a miracle, I _know_. But right now, we need to concentrate on getting it open. What's its status?"

She nodded quickly. "Yes, of course." She ran a scan of the control panel near the top of it. "It looks like…Cerberus damaged it when they excavated it, the readings are erratic. It's sealed tight, they definitely haven't opened it yet." She looked around the area. "They must have been looking for clues on how to get it open. Maybe their research is in these labs?"

Shepard nodded. "Okay. Let's find out."

... ... ...

The labs had been hastily erected practically on top of a small residential area, shoved in between homes and other structures.

"Garrus, Tali, clear those homes over there. We're going to hit this first lab."

Garrus nodded. "Got it." He walked carefully up the steps and nudged the door to the first home open, then immediately turned away at the overwhelming stench.

"What is it, Garrus?" Tali inquired in concern.

"Dead bodies. Be glad your mask has a scent filter on it." He exhaled sharply then stepped inside. They cleared the entryway then made their way to the living area, where they found three bodies slumped on the couches. They hadn't even had the chance to fight back.

He shook his head in disgust. "This was their home, and they were just gunned down and left to rot. Inexcusable."

A noise from the next room brought their guns back up. Garrus took point, sliding around the wall into the kitchen. A Cerberus trooper standing at the counter looked up in surprise then reached behind his back for his gun. He was dead before his fingers made contact with it.

_Dr. Saleon rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh, thank you. Thank you so very much!" He reached behind his back and began pulling up a pistol._

_Garrus swung his rifle up, but by the time it was raised, Shepard had thrown him against the back wall and Williams had blown a hole in his gut. He sighed in exasperation. "So he's dead anyway. That's great, but what was the point of all this then?"_

_Shepard looked over at him, her eyes seeming to pierce straight through him. "You can't predict how people will act, Garrus – but you _can_ control how you respond. In the end, that's what really matters."_

_Later that evening, he called himself working on the Mako's shocks – again, since they needed it _again_ – but his mind was only on Saleon. His victims, the employee that had started bleeding all over the interview room, the horror of the crisscrossing incisions on his abdomen; the visceral rage that had risen up in him at seeing the monster again; Shepard's words of wisdom that he knew were true but was too filled with righteous indignation to believe just yet – _

"_Dammit!" He dropped the wrench and grabbed his talon, applying pressure to stem the bleeding._

"_You okay, Vakarian?"_

_He looked up to see Williams leaning casually against the Mako. He shook his head. "Yeah, I'll live. I should've been paying closer attention to what I was doing."_

_She nodded and started to walk back over to the armory, then paused and looked back at him. "So this doctor, what did he do that got you jonesing to kill him so bad?"_

_He exhaled and sank down to the floor, leaning against the tire of the Mako. "He traded body organs on the black market – organs that he grew inside desperate people willing to do anything for a few credits. But it's tricky business growing extra organs in living beings; a lot of them died. I spent months building a case against him, only to have him slip through my fingers. I…I'm just glad he's dead."_

"_Did a lot of Turians die because of him?"_

"_Hell, he didn't discriminate – turian, Human, Salarian, Krogan, there was a market for them all, and he served them all. The victim that finally broke the case open for me was Human. He…it was inexcusable what happened to him."_

"_Huh."_

_He looked up at her. "What?"_

_She shrugged. "I don't know, I guess I figured victims from other species wouldn't get you that worked up…"_

_He frowned in confusion. "What does their species have to do with anything? He was a monster that brought pain and suffering to his victims."_

_She looked at the floor. "Um, well, I just thought – Turians are always so arrogant and proud and haughty – not that _you_ are, of course – it just seems like they think less of other species."_

_He exhaled and pushed up to his feet. "Williams, I can't deny that a lot of turians, especially ones in positions of authority, _do_ look down on others. We have a long, proud history and culture. But when I was at C-Sec, it was my job to look out for everyone, no matter how many arms or legs they had, no matter whether there was fringe or tentacles or hair on their head."_

_He smiled to himself. "I didn't know a lot about aliens when I got to the Citadel, but in the time I was there I met a lot of people – good guys, bad guys, sinners, saints. And I met enough of all of them to figure out that what species a person is doesn't have a damn thing to do with the state of their soul."_

_She stared at him for a long moment, eyes narrowed…then she slowly smiled. "You know, you're alright, Vakarian."_

... ... ...

A large screen dominated the small room, a row of control panels aligned below it. Liara stared at the panels, frowning slightly. "It looks like they've found some sort of data recordings and were trying to decipher them, but – "

"I've got it." Shepard quickly input some commands in the central panel, and the screen flickered to life.

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, they shone a translucent green. Not the electric, pixelated green of her trip into the Geth server, but a soft, glowing green that resembled nothing so much as the pale green light of the Prothean beacons.

Kaidan swallowed hard and was trying to push back the instinctive panic…when she reached behind her and grasped his hand tightly. He sucked in a breath of relief. She was still _here_. He squeezed her hand in affirmation.

She began to speak in a matter-of-fact tone as she stared unblinking at the screen. "Reapers attacking a city…based on the architecture, Prothean…beautiful sunset sky on fire…" She gasped suddenly. "Protheans…not like Collectors, though the resemblance is clear…normal arms and legs, no wings, four eyes, flared skull though much smaller than Collectors…soldiers, prepping stasis pods…they were intending to sleep until the Reapers returned to dark space…but they're under attack…"

She blinked roughly as the screen turned black, her voice unsteady. "I've got the deactivation signal."

Liara gazed at her in wonder. "Of course…Shepard, what was it like?"

She smiled weakly at Liara. "Later. I promise." She turned back to Kaidan, dropping her head briefly against him as he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

_Liara walked into the mess to find Shepard and Kaidan sitting beside one another at the table, heads bowed close, talking quietly. She quickly turned away and hurried into the Med Lab towards her quarters beyond, but Dr. Chakwas was running physicals on the crew; she spun around and rapidly headed for the elevator. All she wanted was quiet. She went down to the cargo hold, finding merciful darkness and silence. She walked to the far side of the Mako and sat down behind it, dropping her head into her hands._

_It had been three days since her mother had died. She had thought it hadn't affected her, no more than a dull sadness. She hadn't spoken to her mother in several years; had seen her only occasionally for years before that. She was an adult, no matter what other Asari thought, and she could handle it. Then to top it off she had made a fool out of herself to Shepard, acted like a love-struck teenager…but still, she had been okay. She had held it together. _

_But now, seeing Shepard with the Lieutenant, it was like something broke inside her. Nothing was right with the world. Shepard would never love her, had rejected her for someone else. Her mother had been a traitor, a murderer, and now she was dead. The Reapers were coming, and they were going to wipe out everyone in the galaxy unless she, helpless and alone Liara T'Soni, could solve the mystery of the Conduit._

_Goddess, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get it together, T'Soni! She groaned and dropped her head against the wall._

"_Liara?"_

_She looked up, startled, to find Ashley peeking around the corner of the Mako. She quickly wiped a tear off her cheek. "Yes, Ashley, what do you need?"_

_Ashley bit her lower lip. "I just wanted to check and see if you were okay. I…saw you run away from the mess hall, and…I thought you might want someone to talk to. I know it's been a rough couple of days for you."_

_Liara shook her head quickly. "Thank you, but I'm fine. I just wanted to find someplace quiet for a while is all."_

_Ashley gazed at her for a moment. "Okay. I'm sorry I disturbed you then." She started to walk away._

"_Ashley, wait…"_

_She turned around, a questioning look on her face._

"_Maybe I could use a little company after all."_

_Ashley smiled kindly and sat down next to her, curling her feet up underneath her. "I'm sorry about your Mom. My Dad died a few years ago, and it was really hard on me."_

_Liara looked over at her. "Were you close to him?"_

_Ashley nodded. "The closest. I've always been close with my whole family, but Dad…he was something special. I still miss him."_

_Liara sighed sadly. "I wish I had been close with my mother."_

"_What was she like? You know…before…"_

_Liara relaxed against the wall. "She was _so_ beautiful, and she seemed to know everything in the world…"_

... ... ...

They joined back up with Shepard and the others outside the lab. And none too soon, as a Cerberus shuttle zoomed over the ridge and commandos dropped in.

Shepard grumbled as she slid into the cover of a low wall. "Lot of good holding the perimeter is going to do if they just fly over it…" She peaked over the wall. "Tali, turrets!"

"On it!"

Cerberus commandos were heavily armored and shielded; biotics weren't going to do much until they were taken down a notch or two. Shepard leaned over the wall and shot the lead commando through the center of his helmet as Garrus tossed out proximity mines before joining Kaidan in overloading their shields, one by one.

Liara ran low along the buildings to position herself opposite the others. She nodded quickly to Shepard and together they stood and threw out twin _singularities_ stretching across the entirety of the open space.

Tali turned around suddenly as a commando came around the building behind her. She quickly pulled up her shotgun, then cursed when it locked up on her…

"_Stupid bosh'tet!" Tali slammed her hand against the side of her shotgun in frustration as the little Rachni began skittering around her. Shepard spun around at the epithet. "Tali, run left!" As soon she was ahead of the creatures, Shepard pulled them all up into a singularity. She breathed a sigh of relief._

_Chief Williams came up next to her as they headed for the aft of the derelict ship. "Come by the armory when we get back and I'll take a look at that for you."_

"_Oh, thank you – it's overheating entirely too quickly. I've been working on it, but I just can't figure out what's wrong."_

_They found Shepard in an aft compartment staring at a log displayed on a terminal. "Motherfucking Cerberus…alright guys, get ready. We're going to make sure no more of these experiments get loose – we're going to blow this ship to hell."_

_She activated the fuse then spun around. "Run."_

_Later that evening Tali approached Ashley in the armory somewhat sheepishly, shotgun in hand. "Chief Williams, is now a good time? I can come back…"_

_Ashley pushed the pistol she had been working on to the side. "Sure. Alenko wants some custom targeting system installed on his heavy pistol, but it can wait." She reached out and took the shotgun, setting it on the table. "Let's see what we've got…"_

_She glanced over at Tali as she broke the weapon down. "You know, overheating aside, you're not bad with a shotgun. I've…well, I've never really seen Quarians fight. Are you all that well trained?"_

_Tali leaned against the edge of the table. "No, most of my people are engineers, or traders, or craftsmen…or scavengers, I'm afraid. But my father is an Admiral, and he – never mind, you don't want to hear about my childhood, I'm sure it would be boring."_

_Ashley shrugged. "Eh, it's fine. I like stories, and listening to someone else while I work actually helps me concentrate. Weird, I know."_

"_Well, if you're sure…" Tali sighed. "My father is on the Admiralty Board, and he's been planning my life since I got my first suit. I had to be prepared for anything, because I was going to do great things, whether I liked it or not. I was trained in engineering, coding, combat, politics, anything and everything he could fit in. I'm good at most of it – at least I _think_ I am. But it's…it's hard, living under his shadow, never being good enough…but I'm rambling, I'm sorry."_

_Ashley smiled slightly. "I know a little about living under the shadow of your family, though kind of in the opposite direction."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_It doesn't matter…here's your problem. See this joint here? It's just slightly out of alignment, so every time you pull the trigger, it creates added friction. Friction equals heat. Boom, premature overheating. Let me just file down this edge a tiny bit…" she leaned down close over the worktable, working her arm in a rapid motion "…there. You should be good now, but let me know if it gives you any more problems." She began smoothly and efficiently reassembling the gun._

"_I really appreciate it, Chief Williams. I don't want to pry, you can tell me to get lost, but…what shadows?"_

_Ashley looked sideways at her a moment, then back down at the gun. "My grandfather was, well, he was whatever the opposite of a war hero is. It wasn't his fault, he did the best he could and he's a hero in my book, but the Alliance didn't see it that way. So the 'Williams' name is kind of a pariah in the military."_

_Tali's head tilted slightly. "I'm sorry; you shouldn't have the mistakes of your family following you around. How do you deal with it?"_

_She snapped the last piece of the gun into place and presented it to Tali. "I joined up anyway – and dammit, one way or another, I'm going to outrun that shadow."_

_Tali was walking away when she hollered over her shoulder as she slid the pistol back to the center of the table. "By the way – you can call me Ashley."_

... ... ...

Shepard took a deep breath, cracked her neck, and stepped up to the control panel. She typed in some commands, and steeled herself as the images and sounds assaulted her mind.

"The base is falling…to…_Collectors_, this must be near the end of the war…stasis pods are being destroyed…the power system has been damaged…"

She shook her head roughly. "I'm sorry, there's nothing else. But I know how to open the pod. Let's go."

Liara hurried after her. "Shepard, maybe we should just load it on the shuttle and take it back to the Normandy?"

Shepard shouted over her shoulder as she jogged back towards the dig site. "I don't want to risk damaging it even more in transit; I'm not going to lose the only living Prothean in existence if I can help it."

Liara caught up with her. "On that we can agree."

James came over her comm. "Commander, you've got major Cerberus incoming!"

"Understood. You guys come on in and flank them from behind. We're almost done here."

Ten minutes later the Atlas mech tumbled down the embankment, crashing into a Prothean obelisk and sending it crashing to the ground. Shepard peered over the ledge, cringing. "Oops…"

James raised an eyebrow. "Oops?"

She shrugged. "Oops. Okay, you guys hold an outer perimeter at the edge of those buildings while we get this thing opened." She turned and headed back to the stasis pod.

She, Liara and Kaidan stood around the pod, contemplating it thoughtfully. Shepard smiled wistfully. "When I first stepped on Eden Prime three years ago…I never imagined we'd be here." She nodded. "Okay, you guys ready? I'm inputting the stasis deactivation sequence. Kaidan, monitor the readouts."

He nodded and reached over to the control panel screen as the numbers scrolled by and it started beeping insistently.

_Ashley plopped down unceremoniously in the chair behind his workstation. "Working on something interesting this late, or are you just hoping Shepard might come back out of her quarters for a midnight snack?"_

_Kaidan's fingers slipped across the screen, causing the readout to beep in protest; he closed his eyes and exhaled sharply. "Working on something interesting, I'll have you know – at least interesting to me." He turned around and leaned against the control panel, crossing his arms over his chest. "Something on your mind, Ash, or are you just here to give me a hard time?"_

_She gazed up at the ceiling. "It was a little intense down there today, wasn't it? Cerberus has got some muscle."_

_Kaidan shrugged. "Yeah, but we handled them okay."_

_She nodded thoughtfully. "We did. And don't get me wrong, I am just giddy over taking out Cerberus whenever we can, but…it doesn't get us any closer to stopping Saren. I mean, where is he? What is he up to? I know Shepard's doing everything she can to find him, I do. It's just frustrating…if he's going to be the death of us I wish he'd just get it over with. I hate waiting."_

_He gazed at her a moment. "Are you worried about dying, Ash?"_

"_Worried about it? Hell no. Don't intend to. I guess all I meant was, this endless search is driving me crazy. Give me an assault rifle, some grenades and a bomb and let me have a go at the monster already…"_

_He chuckled lightly. "I'm sure that can be arranged when the time comes." Then his expression grew somber. "In all seriousness though…it's okay to be afraid. No one on this ship could ever doubt your courage, even in the face of fear."_

_She smiled slightly, eyes sparkling, and started speaking softly._

"_Out of the night that covers me,_  
><em>Black as the Pit from pole to pole,<em>  
><em>I thank whatever gods may be<em>  
><em>For my unconquerable soul.<br>_  
><em>In the fell clutch of circumstance<em>  
><em>I have not winced nor cried aloud.<em>  
><em>Under the bludgeonings of chance<em>  
><em>My head is bloody, but unbowed.<br>_  
><em>Beyond this place of wrath and tears<em>  
><em>Looms but the Horror of the shade,<em>  
><em>And yet the menace of the years<em>  
><em>Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.<br>_  
><em>It matters not how strait the gate,<em>  
><em>How charged with punishments the scroll.<em>  
><em>I am the master of my fate:<em>  
><em>I am the captain of my soul."<em>

_Kaidan dipped his head in appreciation. "So you're not afraid then."_

_She stood up, looking back at him as she walked away. "Never."_

... ... ...

Air. Sky. Sun.

He gasped in a breath. Prison. The walls were closing in around him.

He flailed, desperate to escape. Creatures surrounded him.

He ran. He fell. He stumbled back up, desperate to escape.

A creature grabbed his arm from behind –

– _Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Screams, words that were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. And through the barrage, one emotion, one message dominated every image – _

_Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming._

Shepard jerked her hand away, stumbling backwards several steps before regaining her footing. She glared at him.

"That was just…rude!"

He reached out to grab her but she spun away. He growled, surprised at how rough his vocal chords felt. "How many are left? How many!"

Her shoulders sagged as she gazed at him. "I'm sorry. You're the only one."

"Impossible."

"I'm sorry."

He looked around wildly. Ugly, square structures surrounded him. More creatures patrolled in the distance. Now that he took a closer look, he began to recognize them – primitives. Turian. Asari. He turned around to the creature who spoke. _Human._

"How long?"

"Fifty thousand years, give or take."

He exhaled heavily. All gone. The Empire. The legacy. Everyone. Everything.

A crude communication device buzzed. "Commander, looks like you've woken up the entire Cerberus force, and they are inbound to you."

"We're done here – pick us up, Lieutenant."

The Human primitive gazed piercingly at him. "Will you come with us?"

"You fight the Reapers?"

She nodded sharply. "Yes."

Then it wasn't _all_ gone. There was still one thing left. _Vengeance._

"I will come with you."

... ... ...

_Ashley ran for her life. From Geth – Geth! She instinctively ducked as a laser shot sailed over her head. She rounded the corner to come face-to-face with a nightmare…two Geth positioned a struggling colonist atop a spike secured by a tripod – then it shot upward, impaling him. He hung lifelessly five meters in the air. She froze in horror for a split-second then spun around as they turned to her, scrambling over a ledge then throwing herself desperately behind some rocks._

_She gasped for air. They were all dead. The 212, the colonists. Everyone. Everyone that is, save one. Her. Though she wouldn't place odds on that being true for much longer – especially if she didn't get her head straight. Mourn later, Williams; survive now. She peeked around the corner of the rocks to see three Geth advancing. _Shit._ She sucked in a deep breath, checked her rifle, then spun out from cover – _

– _only to watch the Geth fall from gunfire and blue energy._

_She turned around to find two Alliance soldiers approaching her – a subtly attractive man wielding nothing but a heavy pistol and a faint blue aura, and a strikingly beautiful woman wielding a sniper rifle and piercing violet eyes. Eyes filled with concern._

"_Soldier, are you injured?"_

_She shook her head. "No ma'am – nothing that can't wait anyway."_

_The woman smiled kindly, and Ashley's pounding heartbeat seemed to calm under the spell of it. The woman extended a hand. "Commander Shepard. Can you tell me what happened here?"_

_She grasped the woman's hand and shook it firmly. "Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, of the 212. At least, I was…I think they're all dead, ma'am."_

"_Not _all_ of them, Gunnery Chief. _You're_ alive."_

_She bit her lower lip in consternation. "Yes, ma'am. I'm the only one that got away."_

_Shepard's eyes shone with empathy. "And that speaks highly of you. Will you come with us?"_

_Ashley smiled. "It would be my pleasure."_


	64. Love & Other Tales of Counterinsurgency

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 64**

"**Love and Other Tales of Counterinsurgency"**

* * *

><p>Shepard gazed around the conference table. "I'm sure you all have questions about our new guest. His name is Javik, and he's…"<p>

_He stalked around the dimly lit Port Cargo Room like a caged predator. "Human, you found our beacons, you saw it all – our destruction, our warnings! Why weren't they heeded? Why didn't you prepare for the Reapers sooner?"_

_She stepped in front of his path and forced him to stop before her. "It's _Commander_ – and we could make little sense of your warnings. Your beacons nearly killed me the first time I encountered one."_

_He dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "It was too much to hope for, that primitives could understand such things."_

_She regarded him calmly but coldly. "These _primitives_ are the best hope the galaxy has for defeating the Reapers. These _primitives_ have gotten a hell of a lot closer to finishing the Crucible than the Protheans ever did. Show some respect."_

_His pacing slowed as he eyed her curiously. "Perhaps I will show respect to those who deserve it. Who are the rulers of your cycle?" _

"_We have no rulers. A thousand entities govern a thousand worlds in a thousand different ways."_

_His eyes widened in surprise. "There is no empire?" _

"_No. We are free."_

_He scoffed. "Free to die."_

_She stared him down. "Free to _live_."_

_He returned the stare for a long moment, challenging her silently. But in the end, he broke. Of course he did – for in the end, they all broke in the face of Commander Fucking Shepard._

_He turned away and resumed pacing, hands clasped behind his back. "You occupy a position of military authority in this war with the Reapers?"_

_Her voice was even and measured. "I do."_

_He nodded slowly. "Very well. I will remain on this ship and join you in your fight." _

_He walked to the pool of water in the back of the room. It almost resembled an altar…particularly when he knelt on one knee before it. "I am the anger of a dead people, demanding blood be spilled for blood lost. Only when the last Reaper has been destroyed will my purpose be fulfilled; I have no other reason to exist. I am Vengeance incarnate."_

"…still getting adjusted to the idea of being alive after 50,000 years, and being the only one of his kind remaining. You all should probably give him some space for a while."

She straightened up in the chair and clasped her hands on the table. "In any case, that's not why we're here. At this point we've brought everyone to the fight, to the Crucible Project; everyone except, arguably, the Asari – and we're working on that. So Eden Prime marked the start of a new offensive for us. Cerberus knows about the Crucible; the fact that they are expending so many resources going after Prothean artifacts can only mean they are trying to discover the identity of the Catalyst."

She met each of their eyes in turn as she spoke. "Until the Crucible is complete, our job is to stop them from finding that information. Mind you, anything we can do to stop them from causing so much trouble for the war effort is also good."

Tali perked up. "If we're going after the same artifacts as Cerberus is, maybe _we'll_ discover what the Catalyst is."

Shepard smiled. "Of course, that is definitely a primary goal. We will recover any artifacts or other data we find so Liara can study them." She nodded decisively. "So that's our marching orders – we hit Cerberus hard and fast, everywhere we can find them. First up on the agenda – Cerberus is trying to hack into and take over a major Alliance communications relay facility on Ontarom. Kaidan and Tali, you'll take the shuttle there. Disable the hacking programs, then please do the Alliance a favor and upgrade their security measures so Cerberus can't hack it again next week. James, you'll go with them."

His face scrunched up in confusion. "But Shepard, I don't know shit about communications _or_ hacking…"

She rolled her eyes. "Sure, but somebody has to shoot all the bad guys while they take care of the comm relay…in fact, take Lieutenant Reegar with you too, just in case." He settled back in his chair, satisfied.

"Cerberus also has set up a base on Noveria, from which they are launching fighters for hit-and-run attacks on Alliance forces. _My_ inclination would be to blow it to hell, but Admiral Hackett wants to seize it for use by the Alliance. It's protected by strong air defenses, so we'll take the Mako in under the radar, disable the defenses, kill the Cerberus forces, and hold it until Hackett sends in a team. EDI, Liara, Garrus, you'll come with me."

Cortez raised his hand slightly. "Um, Commander, the Mako only holds three, remember?"

She shrugged. "Yeah…Liara can sit in Garrus' lap."

Liara's eyes widened. "But Shepard…Noveria is quite mountainous…"

She grinned, eyes twinkling. "I _know_."

Garrus leaned forward. "That's okay, Liara, you can have my seat. I have a call with Primarch Victus scheduled for tomorrow; I'm not going to be able to go." He didn't look over at Shepard as her eyes narrowed at the side of his head.

She sighed. "Okay…I'm sure we'll be fine with just EDI and Liara. Well, I think that about covers it. Any questions?"

James exhaled audibly. "Shepard, what do you think is really up with Cerberus? Why is the Illusive Man interfering with our efforts to defeat the Reapers? Doesn't he realize that if the Reapers win, everyone dies?"

She leaned back in the chair, crossing her legs, and was quiet a moment. "Honestly? I think he's indoctrinated, and has been for a very long time. Not _too_ much – just enough for the Reapers to have their hooks in him, like Saren was in the beginning. They capitalize on his ego, let him plot and scheme for what he believes are his own purposes – but the side effects just happen to benefit the Reapers. When they either (a) have no further use for him or (b) have direct need of him, then they'll indoctrinate him completely – and only then will he realize that he's been their puppet all along."

He frowned. "But what about the Collectors? They were serving the Reapers, yet he went after them…"

"I don't pretend to understand the Reapers' motivations…but I _do_ know they play the long game. And now, the Illusive Man is using Reaper tech recovered from the Collector base to fuel his fight against us, so…"

James shook his head ruefully. "Indoctrinated. Well that's just great."

She smiled. "But we know it, and that means we can use it. Okay, that's all for tonight. Dismissed."

Liara caught up with her on the way out of the conference room. "Shepard…I'm not sure I should go to Noveria. I have to admit, in these dark times I've been thinking about my mother a lot…and I'm afraid being there will stir up old memories. Bad memories."

Shepard sighed. "I understand; I'm sorry, I should have thought of that. Why don't you go with Kaidan and Tali, and I'll take James with me instead – or maybe I can get Garrus to reschedule his call."

Liara nodded. "Thank you, Shepard; I really appreciate it." She turned and walked away, waiting until she rounded the corner before rolling her eyes and exhaling in relief.

Shepard caught up with Garrus at the elevator, sliding in with him just before the door shut. "Hey Garrus, any chance you can reschedule your call and come with me to Noveria? Liara begged off."

He leaned against the back wall. "Shepard, didn't you read the note?"

She frowned. "The note? Oh, right…yeah, I read the note, but – "

"That's all I have to say on the matter." The door opened and he hurried out, leaving her in the elevator, eyes narrowed at the back of his head.

... ... ...

Shepard stopped at her desk – well, technically "their" desk, but Kaidan had unofficially adopted the desk by the bed for most of his work – to check her messages. One from Kasumi jumped out; it contained a single sentence:

_I'm in position._

Kaidan leaned over her shoulder, glancing at the screen. "Good."

"Yeah." She shut off the screen and turned around, pulling him down the steps and over to the couch before collapsing onto it. She snuggled back against him as he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

He kissed her gently along the neck. "It's been so wonderful going on missions together again."

She smiled, hugging his hands against her abdomen. "Oh, you have _no_ idea…"

"Actually, I do."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Right…two years…I'm so sorry."

He turned her around, grasping her face in his hands. "Don't be. It wasn't your fault, and it doesn't matter now. You're here." He kissed her softly, languorously, as she relaxed into him.

She whispered against his lips for a moment, then pulled back slightly. "You know, if you wanted to go with me to Noveria, EDI could go with Tali to Ontarom; she could handle the hacking as well as you…"

He shook his head slowly. "No."

"But – "

His expression was slightly puzzled. "Didn't you read the note?"

She exhaled in exasperation. "_Yes_, I read the note."

"And what did the note say?"

She dropped her head back and glared at the ceiling. "We present you with the gift of this M35 Mako. It comes with one and only one condition – we will never ride in it with you. Signed, Garrus and Kaidan." She looked back to find him staring at her, an eyebrow raised.

"_What?_ I thought it was a joke."

"It wasn't a joke."

She was quiet for a moment, seeming to concede the matter as she settled back down against his chest. "You know…Ash would have gone with me. She loved the Mako."

He chuckled lightly. "Yes, well, Ash told me once that she wasn't afraid to die. I am."

Her eyes narrowed as she drew close to his face, stopping when her lips were a mere centimeter from his. "You know, I think I should make you _pay_ for that insinuation…"

* * *

><p>Shepard cackled in delight as the Mako flew over the top of the hill, soaring airborne for ten meters before bouncing back onto the snowy path.<p>

James groaned as he held the stability bar in a death grip. "_Fuck_, Shepard – are you _trying_ to kill us?"

"Oh, we're _fine_. It was just a little bump."

"Just a little…I'm going to have Garrus' ass for th– " He sucked in a breath as they cleared another "bump."

EDI looked back at James curiously. "I do not understand the concern. My motion dampeners adequately adjust for the periodic changes in direction and altitude."

Shepard grinned. "EDI, you and I are going to have some fun over the next few weeks."

EDI smiled brightly. "I look forward to it. I enjoy accompanying you on missions."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "And taking out Cerberus forces?"

EDI paused a split-second – an eternity by her standards. "They have made their choice. They are the enemy now."

Shepard nodded, slowing as they crested the next hill. "Yes, they are. Speaking of…James, unglue your fingers from that bar and get on the cannon. It appears we have ourselves a couple of transport vehicles just hanging around waiting to be blown up."

He exhaled harshly, grateful at least for the slowed movement. "You got it."

* * *

><p>Javik didn't look up when she walked in, instead continuing to gaze into the reflective depths of his pool. "Why do you waste time with these diversions? The Reapers will not wait for you to settle your petty squabbles before they kill you all."<p>

She stared up at the ceiling, sighing quietly. "And _this_ is why I haven't taken you on any of these little _diversions_. Until the Crucible is complete, this is how we can do the most good. We're dealing with indoctrinated forces; they could destroy our one chance at defeating the Reapers. I don't intend to let that happen."

He was quiet for a moment. "There is…logic…in your words. I will accompany you on your next mission if you wish."

She watched him. "Okay, if you think you're ready."

He turned away from the pool to look at her. "I have been ready for 50,000 years. Which of the other primitives will be accompanying us? You have so many on this ship, I cannot keep them straight."

"You know what, that is _not_ going to work. We may have been primitives when you were…when you fought the Reapers, but we've had those 50,000 years to develop, and I happen to think we've done quite well for ourselves. Learn the names of the team – and treat them politely – or you don't come out with us."

He stared at her a moment, then nodded tightly. "Very well. In that regard…you should perhaps check in on your Asari – "

"_Liara_."

" – Liara. It is possible that I caused her some distress earlier today."

... ... ...

Liara slumped down in her chair. "I was such a foolish, naïve child. Romantic visions of kind, generous intellectuals, guiding and nurturing the younger species, spreading enlightenment across the galaxy…"

EDI leaned against the wall, eyes narrowing slightly. "I do not understand. Aren't you pleased to have a living Prothean to speak with? He can provide many of the answers you have been seeking."

Liara opened one eye and peered up at EDI. "Have you _met_ him?"

"I…attempted to do so; once he realized I was an AI he said that he would never allow a synthetic in his quarters and ordered me to leave."

Liara chuckled slightly in spite of herself. "Trust me, you got off easy. But it's not even his demeanor or the rude things he says that's the problem; it's what he represents. The nullification of my life's work…of my core beliefs."

EDI's head tilted to the side. "You are a scientist, correct?"

"Among other things, yes…"

"Then you seek the truth. 'The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it.' A human astrophysicist and advocate for the advancement of scientific knowledge once said that. Liara, you have spent much of your life seeking the truth of the Protheans; now, you have it within your grasp. Javik is not the nullification of your life's work; he is the _culmination_ of it."

Liara was quiet for a moment…then nodded to herself. She looked up at EDI and smiled. "You're right. Thank you, EDI. You always seem to have such a clear perspective on things."

EDI returned the smile. "I am glad; I always like to be of assistance."

The door opened and Shepard walked in. "Is everything okay? I heard there might have been an…incident…with Javik?"

Liara stood up. "It's fine, Shepard, nothing to worry about. But I _am_ glad you're here – I wanted to talk with you about…that other thing."

... ... ...

For once, Shepard was late. She walked quickly into the conference room and sat down at the head of the table for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last two weeks. She gazed curiously around the room – not at the faces regarding her, but at the room itself.

"You know, I was thinking maybe we should get some artwork for in here, maybe paint the walls, spruce the place up a bit…" She grinned wickedly, leaning back in the chair and kicking her feet up on the table. "Alright. So we're going to have to keep splitting up if we want to stay ahead of Cerberus." She popped the cap on the beer in front of her and took a sip. "Next up is a lab on Sanctum where they are doing some of their research into Reaper tech – "

"Commander, is it wise to be planning military operations while imbibing alcoholic beverages?"

She shot Javik a withering glare and took another sip. "Javik will be accompanying me to the lab, as well as Liara." She looked over at Garrus. "Garrus, you know I need you on this one as well." He nodded in understanding. "We'll take the shuttle. Kaidan, take James and Lieutenant Reegar in the Mako to Benning. Cerberus is abducting people from the colony, and we need to find out why – and stop it if we can."

Kaidan frowned. "Shepard, there's no reason why we can't switch; let us take out the lab, and you go to Benning."

She smiled tenderly, her eyes saying _thank you_, but her head shaking _no_. "It's okay. I need to see firsthand what atrocities Cerberus is cooking up in that lab."

Traynor came over the speaker. "Commander, you have an incoming call from Kasumi Goto."

She nodded. "Okay, I think that's all for now. Dismissed. Traynor, I'll take that call in my quarters."

* * *

><p>Shepard stepped lightly out of the shuttle into the bay, working to keep her stride energetic though she was bone tired. She smelled like fuel and smoke; her eyes still burned from the chemical clouds.<p>

She hopped up onto the Mako's hood and motioned everyone over. "Great job down there guys. Cyone's fuel supplies are critical to the war effort, and now they're secure again. It got pretty hairy, but you all got it done. Tali, nice work getting the reactor restarted while under fire. James, well done rescuing Captain Riley."

Her legs swung idly as she ran a hand through her hair. "We've got a couple of potential leads on Cerberus installations we can hit next, but we need to firm up the information a bit more first – so it looks like tomorrow's a day off. Rest and relax, you've earned it…" She frowned at her Omni-tool, tapping it to open the incoming priority message.

_Commander Shepard, there is an urgent matter I need to discuss with you in person. Please meet me on the Citadel as soon as possible._

_- Councilor Tevos_

She stared at it for a moment, then looked back up at them, smiling. "Change of plans, guys. Looks like we're going to the Citadel."

... ... ...

She input the desired settings then breathed in deeply as the treadmill ramped up to a solid but not grueling pace. Running when tired, when worn down, was a habit drilled into her at the Academy and never lost.

The point of it, according to the military, was to instill the ability to _push_, one step further; to learn that what you thought were your limits were, in fact, not; to get accustomed to continuing physical exertion well past the point of exhaustion, because that was the reality of combat.

All these were true and good lessons to learn, but they weren't why she still did it. When she was tired, so tired she could feel the resentment of each muscle as she asked it to move, then her mind became clear. So much of her brain was focused on the act of forcing an exhausted body to _move_, the only thoughts that could fight their way to the surface were the ones that truly mattered.

In the zen-like state brought on by the constant rhythm of the surface beneath her feet, the repetitive motion of muscles too worn to do anything but _keep going_, she could calmly, quietly examine the important things, contemplate the issues at play, and often come to decisions in a rather different way than how decisions were made on the field of battle.

They had racked up an impressive count – of treasures and bodies – in the previous three weeks. Three Prothean artifacts...four if you counted Javik as an artifact, which…well… A solid handful of Reaper tech, which had been immediately handed off to researchers under Hackett to be studied _very carefully_. One military base and a dozen fighter jets. Two colonies saved…twenty thousand people, give or take. One fuel reactor saved, representing 60% of the Asari, 15% of the Turian, and 8% of the Alliance fuel supplies. One communications hub secured, saving immeasurable lives in the long run of the war.

She kicked the speed up just a notch…oh yes, and the _bodies_. At least four hundred dead Cerberus commandos across nine planets, and that was just since Rannoch. That, plus the losses of several bases of operation, _had_ to hurt them…though in truth she had no idea how many Reaper tech-infused commandos Cerberus was churning out at this point.

But no Illusive Man. No Kai Leng. No Catalyst reveal. As viscerally rewarding as this strategy could be at times, it would not win the war; the most it could do was prevent the loss of the war…and that was only if nothing slipped through the cracks.

Had it? There was no way to know for certain, but she didn't believe the Illusive Man had discovered the identity of the Catalyst. There would have been a shift in Cerberus behavior, in the underlying focus of their actions. Also, he probably would have called her up to gloat about it…

Until the Crucible was complete, which thank god was rapidly drawing near, she was just buying them time…and trying like hell to stay ahead of the cracks.

* * *

><p>"Commander, wait!"<p>

Shepard sighed and turned around to find Diana Allers storming out of the airlock, dragging a bag behind her. She stopped directly in front of Shepard and dropped the bag, putting her hands on her hips defiantly. "You can't kick me off the Normandy!"

Shepard's voice was calm and measured. "Yes, I can. It's my ship."

Allers' eyes narrowed. "You know, I caught your Quarian in my quarters the other day taking measurements – are you going to give the space to her and her boyfriend as a lovers' den? Between them, and Chakwas and Adams, and you and Alenko, the Normandy's practically a 'Love Boat'; I wonder how the public would feel if they knew – "

Shepard took a step closer, her icy glare burning into Allers' skull. "Don't you _ever_ question my professionalism or the professionalism of my crew again. Do you understand me? You spread a _whisper_ of trashy gossip and you will never see the light of a camera again. Do I make myself clear?"

Allers took an unsteady step backwards. "Okay, okay. I didn't meant it, I know you're doing everything you can…it's just, you _can't_ kick me off now. The war is coming to a critical turning point, I can _feel_ it, and I – " A requisitions officer pushing a cart stacked high with unmarked boxes looked back over his shoulder at his co-worker pushing an identical cart as he turned towards the Normandy's airlock – and promptly bumped the cart into Allers' leg, knocking her sideways.

"Ow! Watch where you're going!" she growled at the officer pushing the cart. He nodded politely. "Sorry, ma'am." Then he and his co-worker turned and continued on into the airlock.

Shepard waited until Allers had turned back to her. "You're right. The war _is_ coming to a critical turning point. And there are things going on, events in motion, that you simply _cannot_ know about. I'm sorry."

Allers sighed, her shoulders dropping slightly. "But Commander, I've followed your rules to the letter. I haven't reported a single item you asked me to keep confidential."

Shepard nodded. "You're right, you haven't – and I thank you for that. I truly do. But this is too important; I can't take the risk. I'm sorry." She smiled slightly. "Listen, if you want to do any remote interviews, I'll be happy to do so; just contact me and we'll set it up. But your stay on the Normandy has to end now." She reached out and shook Allers' hand. "Thank you for your hard work. Keep getting the message out to people; know that it makes a difference."

She turned and walked towards the Citadel elevator, grinning slightly to herself. _Chakwas and Adams…_how had she missed that? She was going to have to pay Karin a visit when she got back on the Normandy…though it might require some Serrice Ice brandy to ply the truth out of Karin's circumspect lips. She activated her Omni-tool and put in an order for two bottles to be delivered later that afternoon.

... ... ...

"Commander Shepard, thank you for coming so quickly." Councilor Tevos motioned the security staff out; when the door had closed behind them she leaned against her desk, gazing down at the floor.

"I never thought I would see my people…where they are. I was so arrogant; we were all so arrogant, thinking we were untouchable, above it all." Her head lifted but she didn't meet Shepard's eyes. "We stand on the brink; if we look over the edge, we come face to face with our ruin…"

"When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

Tevos finally looked at Shepard, an odd expression on her face. Shepard smiled disarmingly. "One of humanity's more overdramatic philosophers. I'm sorry the Reapers are coming for the Asari, Councilor; but you _must_ have known that sooner or later they would."

She nodded. "Yes, I did. But knowing something and _believing_ it can be two very different things." She pushed off the desk. "But enough feeling sorry for ourselves, yes? You and I are warriors, each in our own way, and we will fight until the end. To that…I understand that your Crucible Project is missing a key component."

"It is."

Tevos motioned for Shepard to follow her out on the balcony. Outside, Shepard leaned against the ledge next to the Councilor, gazing down at the Presidium Lake below.

Tevos' voice was low. "For all my security, there is always someone more clever; one can never be absolutely certain there isn't a bug lurking in the walls." She took a deep breath. "On Thessia, there is an artifact that may be of use to you."

Shepard was quiet for a moment, contemplating. Then she turned to Tevos, leaning against her arm on the ledge. "Councilor, I could stand here and play this diplomatic dance; I can be very good at it when I care to. But the simple fact is, the fate of _all life in the galaxy_ is at stake, and I just don't have the time or patience for it. What, _precisely_, is on Thessia?"

Tevos nodded in resignation. "Very well. In one of our most sacred Temples is a Prothean artifact of significant power. I'm not being cryptic, Commander; I simply don't know the details of its nature. But I do have reason to believe it holds Prothean secrets – and I believe a Prothean secret is what you are need of, yes?"

"Why withhold this information until now?"

Tevos sighed heavily. "Every species has their secrets, Commander. The Asari enjoy many advantages from the perception that we are the oldest, wisest, most advanced species in the galaxy. Anything that challenges our mystique is a threat to our way of life. The truth is, this artifact very well may have boosted our advancement at several key points in our cultural development…which would mean that our achievements are not entirely our own."

Shepard bit her lower lip, suppressing a grin as she gazed up at the artificial sky. "I see. Rest assured Councilor, I don't see any reason why that information should get out to a…wider audience." She looked back at Tevos, wearing a broad smile that would seem to anyone in the world, save two or three or possibly four people, to be genuine. "Thank you for trusting me with this secret; we are actively seeking Prothean artifacts that can yield any additional…enlightenment. I will head to Thessia first thing in the morning."

Tevos nodded somberly, still staring out at the Lake. "I hope it holds the answers you seek, Commander, I truly do…lest the Reapers be the end of us all."

She turned then, and dipped her head towards Shepard's shoulder in the Asari gesture of farewell. "May the Goddess be with you, Commander."

"And with you, Councilor."

On the way to the elevator she spied Liara and Javik standing over at the window. Liara was gesturing animatedly, Javik gazing at wherever she pointed with interest. Shepard chuckled lightly and hit the elevator, deciding not to disturb a good thing.

... ... ...

After spending the afternoon running around the Citadel being Aria's bitch in the pursuit of gaining a whole hell of a lot of needed, if unsavory, support, she had returned to Purgatory that evening in order to make certain Aria was crystal clear that she had performed her end of the bargain to _spectacular_ effect.

She had _not_ returned to Purgatory to play matchmaker.

Yet when she walked out of Purgatory thirty minutes later, matchmaker was exactly what she had been. Twice.

She had seen Joker and EDI over to her left when she had walked in, but had ignored them for the moment to head straight for Aria. Get the most unpleasant business done first. She had glared and rolled her eyes and smarted off and danced the dance and walked away with Aria thinking she was satisfied and Shepard actually satisfied.

She fell in next to Joker, leaning casually against the bar. He glanced over at her. "Commander. Thanks for the extra couple of hours off…I think the crew needed it."

She grinned teasingly. "But not you, of course."

He scoffed. "Of course not, I'm good, just point me towards…ah hell, Shepard. Whatever. You ask me to do something and I'll do it; so long as you're _not_ asking me to do something, I'll be…here. At the bar." His eyes slid over to EDI, sitting alone at a table in the corner, before quickly returning to Shepard.

She gazed at him perceptively. "She loves you, you know."

His eyes widened. "Really? I mean…what?"

"Joker, you don't have to hide behind your trademark bravado with me; you know that."

His face contorted for several seconds as he struggled with competing directives from his brain. Finally he sighed heavily and dropped his weight onto his arms crossed atop the bar. "But it's insane. She's not real. I know having a 'body' makes her seem more real – and god _does_ it – but she's merely…borrowing it. She's just lines of code. No matter how funny and endearing and playful and sweet she is…Shepard, how can I be in love with lines of code?" He groaned and flung his head into his arms.

She dropped her chin to her palm as she thought it for a moment. "You know, maybe this is why AI's have always been fucked up…they're so coldly logical, so unemotional…because they lack even the most basic attachments to other entities. They _are_ alive; they are self-aware, sentient, living beings…but they've had no anchor to the world around them…they've had no reason to _care_."

She chuckled lightly. "Look, in no way am I suggesting that we make you and EDI the subjects in an experiment or anything…first, we have more important things to worry about, and second, I think too highly of you both to do that to either of you. But maybe you have unwittingly discovered the answer that has eluded so many for so long, the one thing that can truly, finally bridge the gap between organic and synthetic."

He looked up at her from underneath his cap, an eyebrow raised skeptically. "I swear Commander, if you say 'love' I'm going to puke, right here, probably on your boots."

She dropped her head, laughing softly. "Thanks for the warning; I won't say 'love' then. Besides, I know none of that really matters to you, here, now. So here's what I really think. EDI is the most pure, innocent, wondrous being I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She's far more intelligent than all of us combined, yet she's amazed and enraptured by the simple beauty of nature, the quirks of people's behavior, the meaning of life."

She smiled at him gently. "And above all that, she loves _you_. More than figuring out Reaper brainwaves or the most efficient route to dark space or the reason why the universal constant is what it is, she wants to understand _you_…and make you happy. Jeff, she's as alive as any of us – maybe more so. Consider yourself lucky that she finds _you_ the most interesting thing in the universe."

He stared at her suspiciously for a long moment…then slowly, he began grinning. Eventually, he laughed. His shoulders straightened up – as much as they could – and he looked back at EDI, grinning. "Well okay then…thanks for the pep-talk, Shepard." He sauntered over towards EDI and eased into the chair next to her.

Shepard smiled to herself, choosing to postpone thinking too hard about the cosmic consequences for another time. Not wanting to hover over the burgeoning romance scene, she headed upstairs to get her drink.

She found James hanging out at the upstairs bar. She leaned against the bar – again – next to him. "Did you find your uncle's name on the refugee lists?"

He shook his head vaguely. "Nah…"

"I'm sorry. But don't give up hope." She glanced around and noticed Cortez sitting casually at a café table in the corner, sipping a beer. She looked back at James. "Vega, what are you doing?"

He ignored the question, instead gazing over at her and nodding appreciatively. "You know, you're looking _good_ this evening."

She rolled her eyes. "Shut up. _What_ are you doing?"

His eyes widened innocently. "Um…ordering a beer? Checking out the chicks?"

She smirked at him. "Right. You finally manage to get Steve off the Normandy and into an actual _club_, and you're over here hanging out at the bar and 'checking out the chicks'?"

He looked away uncomfortably. "I don't know what you mean. It's nice you got Esteban relaxed enough to take a little down time though, I'm good with that…"

She grabbed the remarkably large muscle of his upper arm. "James, look at me. Now I'm not sure whether _you're_ being an idiot or you think _I'm_ an idiot. Either way, you're smarter than that. Now _what_ are you doing here at the bar instead of over at that table?"

"Yeah, well…" He stared out at nothing in particular. "I just don't want to…I mean, I want him to be happy again. I don't want to intrude on…memories…"

She smiled kindly at him, letting her hand fall away from his arm and to her side. "He thinks a lot of you, James. A _whole_ lot. Start with that, and see where it goes."

He pursed his lips together for a moment, then took a long swig of the beer in his hand and nodded. "Okay, Shepard. Maybe I'll do that."

She smiled to herself, yet again, as she watched him walk back to the table where Cortez sat…then left her barely-touched drink sitting on the bar and walked downstairs and out the door.

... ... ...

Shepard walked into her quarters and turned to head for the shower, when something caught her eye. She walked down the stairs curiously.

Laid out on the bed was a _gorgeous_ cocktail dress…a purple hue so deep it was almost black, simple lines, spaghetti straps crossing the low draped back. Exactly the style she had always preferred. Matching sling-back heels rested on the floor at the foot of the bed.

A note was positioned carefully atop the dress. She picked it up, a delighted smile blooming on her face as she read it.

"_Presidium Pointe restaurant. 18:00 GST."_

She glanced at the clock, then turned and bolted for the shower.

... ... ...

She walked in at 18:01. Her eyes took in the candlelit, white-clothed tables, the jazz trio in the corner playing softly, the floor-to-ceiling fishtank along the back wall, the balcony overlooking Presidium Lake, as they scanned about for him…_there._

He stood leaning casually against the bar, two wine glasses in hand, wearing a striking black suit over a pale blue dress shirt open at the collar. The sight took her breath away, and she stood there a moment before remembering how to move forward. As she walked towards him he turned and saw her, his eyes lighting up and the corner of his mouth pulling up in a wondrous smile.

His voice was low and breathy. "My _god_ you are stunning…"

She grinned, eyes sparkling. "You cut quite a figure yourself."

He shrugged abashedly, handed her one of the glasses, then grasped her other hand lightly. "Come, our table is waiting for us."

She eyed him as they walked into the dining area. "I was under the impression this restaurant was booked months in advance."

"It is." They reached a table along the edge of the balcony and he pulled her chair out for her formally. "Access to the best weapons isn't the _only_ perk to being a Spectre, you know."

She sat down and took a sip of the wine…and knew it instantly as the wine from Vancouver. She smiled at him as he sat down across from her. "Thank you for the dress, it's more beautiful than any I've owned. Though I didn't realize you were paying such close attention…before."

He returned the smile in full. "I was always paying close attention to you, Shepard. From the moment I met you, I wanted to understand everything about you."

"I…" She flushed slightly, unaccountably at a loss for words. "So what exactly is this all about, Major Alenko?"

"I just realized that we had never been on a single _actual_ date, and thought I should take this rare opportunity to rectify that mistake."

"Well, I recall a night or two in Vancouver that seemed an awful lot like a date to me…"

He nodded slightly. "Be that as it may, you deserve at least one proper date, and a proper date you shall have. Now, please, take a look at the menu and decide what you'd like."

She shook her head, grinning, and obliged him. After the waiter had taken their orders and refilled their wine glasses, he reached across the table and grasped her hands in his, gently running a thumb across her knuckles.

"So I was thinking, and I…Graceyn, see…" He pursed his lips; god but he was bad at this. "Here's the thing…I want to – "

Her Omni-tool beeped. She frowned, pulling her hand back to look at it. "I'm sorry, I thought I muted this…hmm, Priority Red call from EDI." She turned it on. "Yes, EDI, what is it?"

"I have been monitoring Cerberus communications through the back channels I retained – "

She couldn't keep the annoyance out of her voice. "I know; what's so urgent?"

"Shepard, Cerberus knows about the Prothean artifact on Thessia."

"_Fuck!_" Several heads from nearby tables turned in their direction. "How? Never mind, it doesn't matter right now. EDI, recall everyone to the ship – we pull out in half an hour."

She cut the link and looked up; Kaidan had already motioned the waiter over to the table and was paying the bill. She sighed. "I'm _sorry_. And you were about to say something romantic…"

He smiled tenderly as they stood, leaning over and kissing her softly. "I was. But it will keep. Come on, we have to get back to the Normandy."

... ... ...

"Shepard, all crew members have returned to the Normandy and we are clear to depart."

She glanced at the clock and smiled. _Twenty-four minutes._ "Thank you, EDI. Set a course for Thessia; get us there as quickly as you can."

"Of course, Shepard. We will arrive there in approximately 6.7 hours."

Kaidan went down the stairs to the small bar and opened a bottle of wine, smiling and again handing her a glass as she joined him. "There's no reason that we can't at least _somewhat_ continue our date, now that we're underway."

She took a sip and looked over the rim of the glass at him, eyes twinkling. "Yes…I believe when we were interrupted you were just about to be ridiculously romantic…?"

He put a hand on her waist and smiled slightly. "I was just going to tell you I loved you."

Her eyes narrowed. "No you weren't."

He chuckled lightly in resignation. "Okay, fine; I wasn't…at least, not _just_ that. But the rest will have to wait for another, better time."

She watched him suspiciously as they sat down on the couch. "Alright, but I'm onto you…" She rested her head on his shoulder and watched the fish swim lazily about. "Listen, we should talk about tomorrow. There's something I need to ask you to do…and you're not going to like it."

"Will I need to do it in the next six hours?"

She eyed the clock. "That's a close one, but no."

He sat his glass on the table and moved his hand under her chin, gently turning it to face him. "Then ask me in the morning. For tonight, just be here with me."

She smiled, sitting her glass down beside his then draping her arms around his neck. "If you insist…"


	65. Heroes and Villains

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 65**

"**Heroes and Villains"**

* * *

><p>The Illusive Man stared out at the pulsing star dominating his view – this one whiter, brighter, larger than the last. So powerful, the creations of the universe were. The stars, the planets…the Reapers. Powerful, inevitable, immortal…or so they appeared. Yet he had seen stars supernova, seen planets explode into dust. Many things were powerful…but nothing was inevitable; nothing was immortal. <em>At least not yet.<em>

He turned as the beep signaled a successful connection link, an expression of calm assurance already gracing his features…for he _was_. "My Council source has informed me that there is a Prothean artifact of great value on Thessia, in the Temple of Athame. Shepard is aware of its existence, but she has not yet departed the Citadel. I need you to get to Thessia ahead of her and retrieve it for me."

Kai Leng's head dipped in acknowledgement. "Yes, sir; adjusting my course now. I'll head directly there."

The Illusive Man's electric eyes gazed out at him from the miniature projection above the ship's dash. "I cannot overstate the importance of this artifact; it is vital that we obtain it – and keep it out of Alliance hands. I have every reason to believe it may hold the answers we, and they, seek."

Leng settled back in the seat. "The Catalyst."

The Illusive Man nodded. "Exactly. The missing piece we need in order to win this war."

Leng frowned slightly. "But sir, without the Crucible, the Catalyst is useless. So long as it remains hidden, our hands are tied, are they not?"

The Illusive Man's lips pulled up just slightly in the hint of a smile. "Oh, I know where the Crucible is. But the Crucible is also useless without the Catalyst; it would be foolhardy to show our hand too early and move before it is complete – and before we are ready to use it. Regardless, the Crucible is nearly finished; retrieve this artifact for me, and we will determine the nature of the Catalyst then begin final preparations."

"Consider it done."

... ... ...

Plates piled high with assorted breakfast foods lay scattered around the conference room table next to half-empty glasses of juice, cups of coffee, and other beverages consumed in an effort to turn bleary eyes into sharp ones.

Shepard jogged into the conference room, grabbing a bagel from a tray then dropping casually into her chair. Her body language portrayed energy and determination, but the expression gracing her features was one of somberness and weight. "Bad news guys; the Reapers are already here. They began attacking the capital in force last night."

Liara didn't look up from her plate; she already knew, and Shepard knew that she already knew.

"The Temple we're headed for is on the outskirts of the city center, where the fighting is heaviest. Steve, you may have to do some fancy flying today. We're going to touch down at the FOB closest to the Temple, and hopefully pick up some help getting in."

She paused long enough to inhale a bite of her bagel. "Now there's no reason for the Reapers to be targeting this Temple in particular – but there is every reason for Cerberus to be targeting it. It has received heavy government funding for hundreds of years, most of it classified; that means the artifact it holds is valuable, and dangerous – and _that_ means that Cerberus wants it badly. Hopefully, we're in front of them and can be in and out before they get there. We find this artifact and bring it back post-haste."

She smiled sadly. "Several months ago I said what I'm about to say to many of you when we were on our way to Palaven, and…it breaks my heart to have to say it again today. But here it is. We're going to see some gut-wrenching scenes down there today; tragic, inexcusable loss of life. But we're _not_ here to save Thessia. Not today. We're here so one day soon – one day very, _very_ soon – we can save everyone, on every world."

She watched as they nodded in reluctant, painful understanding. "Okay, the fighting will be heavy, so you're all going save EDI – I need you here in case things get dicey and to monitor Cerberus. Kaidan, Steve will get you to your destination as soon as he drops us off."

He nodded tightly, sparing her the slightest smile.

She exhaled slowly. "Traynor, you and EDI keep a close eye out for Cerberus, incoming and outgoing. If they show up, track their movements." She gulped down the glass of juice sitting in front of her as she stood. "Everyone finish eating then get suited up; we leave in forty."

... ... ...

"There it is, off to the righ– goddammit, watch out for the Reaper!" Kai Leng grabbed ahold of the dash as the gunship swung wildly and narrowly avoided the Reaper's beam.

"Sorry, sir. Where do you want me to land?"

Leng unbuckled his seatbelt and stood. "Just drop down low out front. Once I'm groundside, get the hell out of the way of the Reapers – but stay close in case I need you." He climbed into the back, popped open the side door, activated his cloaking, and leapt ten meters to the ground below, nimbly rolling once then to his feet.

The Temple had a force-field barrier blocking the entrance. He studied the control panel built into the entrance wall for a moment…Asari military-grade encryption. He huffed a laugh; child's play for the Illusive Man's state-of-the-art hacking algorithm. He linked his Omni-tool to it; ten seconds later the field shimmered then collapsed.

Still cloaked, he watched three Asari at the front of the Temple making notes as they studied several artifacts. _Lambs for the slaughter._ He quietly edged around the outside of the pews towards the closest Asari.

The first one never saw him; she felt the cold metal of the blade, and was dead. She didn't have the chance to scream or even make a noise, which meant he was grabbing the second one by the throat before she knew he was there. The third one _did_ see him, and screamed as she tried to run; as he slit the throat of the woman in his arms, he raised his palm and shot her with a biotic blast. Dropping the body, he was on her an instant later, yanking her disgusting tentacles up and finishing the job with his sword.

He quickly scanned the area for other inhabitants; satisfied it was deserted, he leaned down and wiped the sword clean on the dress of one of the dead Asari, then began his search.

... ... ...

Shining silver skyscrapers with elegant curved lines arced upwards into a pale pink sky. Glistening pools lined with trees decorated the open spaces. The exemplar of civilization at its peak, its most refined.

It was on fire.

"Liara, it's _beautiful_."

She nodded tightly. "It is. But it won't be for long. This destruction…Shepard, I don't _understand_. What possible reasoning could exist in even the most warped mind to justify the annihilation of such beauty, such achievement?"

Shepard stared out the open shuttle door. "There isn't one; there can't be." She gave Liara a brave smile. "Just _hold on_; we'll bring an end to it soon. I promise."

Liara returned the smile, though it was tinged with sadness. "I know we will."

The shuttle settled down just back from a contingent of Asari soldiers; she motioned everyone out in front of her, then turned quickly to Kaidan, grasping his gloved hand briefly. "Good luck, okay?"

He huffed a breath. "You too. Let's get what we came for and get out of here."

"Yep." She turned and leapt the meter to the ground, not looking back to watch the door close as the shuttle lifted away.

The sounds of the battle were deafening – soldiers shouting orders over the screams of Reapers, Harvesters wailing as they dive-bombed encampments, glass shattering and buildings exploding.

"It's like Vancouver all over again."

She looked over at James, her mouth set in a grim line. "It is." Then she shook her head roughly. "Come on, let's focus and get this done."

Liara motioned her over. "Shepard, this is Lieutenant Kurin, she's in charge here."

The Asari gave a weary, desperate laugh. "I am now, anyway." She looked over her shoulder and pointed. "Look, the Temple's over there, past what's left of those two buildings and around the corner. There's supposed to be a team of scientists there to meet you…but we lost contact with them twenty minutes ago."

Shepard gazed out at the battle scarring the path to their goal. Fireballs carrying Husks rained down as Harvesters patrolled the skies.

"Okay. Lieutenant, I know too much has surely already been asked of you. I don't have to tell you that all you're doing here is buying people time to escape; you know you won't win here today. But if we can get to that Temple, then we stand a chance of winning the whole goddamn war. So I need you to give us everything you can – whatever cover, whatever air support you have left. Can you do that?"

She nodded, eyes wide. "Yes, ma'am. We have snipers stationed about every hundred meters; we have three gunships left operating. There's one military station between here and the Temple, Outpost Tykis. We'll do what we can to get you there."

She squeezed Kurin's shoulder. "Thank you; I promise you, it won't be in vain."

She motioned the team over to her. "Our objective is down this bridge and through those ruins. Unless it's directly in our way, we don't stop. Understood? Okay, let's move."

... ... ...

Kai Leng frowned as he realized he had missed a drop of blood. He crouched down and wiped the sword clean again on another set of robes, then stood and scanned the Temple, looking for anything he may have missed. Finally he hit his comm. "Sir, I've searched every inch of this Temple. There are plenty of artifacts here, but they're just relics. There's nothing that could contain information on the Catalyst."

"Are they Prothean artifacts?"

Leng stared at the bust of 'Athame.' "Yes."

He could hear the Illusive Man sigh. "The Protheans _do_ love to bury their secrets, make us solve their puzzles like rats in a maze." He was silent for a moment. "Wait for Shepard. She'll be able to find it, and unlock it. After she does, then you'll move in and relieve her of it."

Leng bristled at the implied insult. "How is she going to find what I can't?"

The Illusive Man smiled patiently, though Leng couldn't see it. The assassin could be so…_sensitive_. "Not because she's better than you, Leng. You are her superior in every way. However, Shepard has one thing you do not – the Protheans in her brain. Absorption of the beacon, coupled with the Cipher, enables her to understand the Prothean language, comprehend their messages, decipher their technology. It likely gave her additional connections with them as well. If the artifact is there, she'll find it."

Leng nodded grudgingly. "Fine. After she finds it, what should I do with her?"

"If the opportunity presents itself, I would like to speak with her."

Leng rolled his eyes. "All the two of you _do_ is chat – " He caught himself. "Sorry, sir. No disrespect intended."

The Illusive Man's eyes hardened slightly as he took a sip of scotch. "None taken. I simply would like to try a last time to make her understand that my plan is the only way we can achieve victory."

Leng leaned against a pillar casually. "She hasn't shown any willingness to listen before – what makes you think this time will be different?"

"Despite our considerable differences, I have to believe that the Commander is at least a marginally intelligent woman; she would not have been as successful as she has otherwise. Intelligent people can be made to see reason. Misguided though her efforts are, I don't think she wants humanity to suffer. If I can convince her that her path will only lead to greater suffering, while mine will result not only in victory, but in the ascendance of humanity to new heights never before thought possible…perhaps she will join us."

Leng scoffed. "We don't need her."

The Illusive Man stood and gazed out the floor-to-ceiling windows. "Of course not. But we _can_ use her. She's an important symbol, and can be quite persuasive to the weak-minded. She would be a valuable tool in smoothing over certain…speedbumps…we may encounter."

"If you say so. And if she doesn't listen to reason, if she won't come over to our side?"

His mouth twitched slightly. It would be regrettable to lose such a significant investment. On the other hand, she had already cost him considerably more in credits and resources than the initial outlay. And so long as she _wasn't_ on his side, she was a threat to everything he had worked so long and so hard to achieve.

Nearly thirty years ago he had been given a vision of the past – and of the future. Of the Reapers – what they were, and what they would do. In the process, he had lost his best friend and the woman he secretly loved.

It had been a heavy, but ultimately acceptable, price to pay for the opportunity to change – no, to _save_ – the world. He had spent every waking hour since that day preparing for this moment; working to strengthen and embolden humanity, to gather resources and power so as to be in a position to shape events when the time came. Now the time had nearly come – the time when, under his tutelage, humanity would conquer and rise above the greatest threat it had ever known.

He had had high hopes for Shepard; the highest. But in the end she had turned out to be a foolish idealist, short-sighted and reactionary…and he couldn't let her ruin the only chance humanity had for a future.

"Sir…?"

"Kill her."

... ... ...

"Shepard, get down!"

She instinctively ducked and rolled as the Harvester swooped in low. James tossed frag grenades onto its back as Kal sprayed it with his assault rifle. The grenades exploded and it spun out of control, crashing to the ground below. As she stood, Javik flung a lift grenade over her head and into the Ravagers in front of them, buying time for Liara to run ahead and open a _singularity_ around the already-floating creatures.

"Damn…"

Shepard sprinted under the _singularity_ into the tiny fortified area, and found a lone Asari commando pressed against a barricade. "Soldier, we're looking for Outpost Tykis, can you – "

"You found it, ma'am. I'm all there is…and I figure I got about five minutes left if I'm lucky."

She exhaled. "How far to the Temple?"

The Asari gestured over her shoulder. "You're almost there – just up this embankment and across the pools."

Shepard stared at the embankment ahead of her. It was crawling with Husks, including several of those terrifying Banshees with their shrieks and their strangely distended bellies. Monstrosities that had once been living, thinking beings, culled from all the worlds the Reapers were destroying. She shuddered, finding a renewed outrage and with it a renewed motivation to _kick their motherfucking asses_.

She nodded sharply and hit her comm. "Kurin, it's Shepard. We need every gunship you have to carpet-bomb just north of Outpost Tykis…I know…thank you."

She motioned for the team to move up against the meager fortifications. "Alright guys, we move before the smoke clears. When we get up top, James and Kal stay and hold this embankment; I don't want Husks coming in the Temple behind us." The high-pitched whine of gunships grew louder, and she looked up.

"Get ready."

... ... ...

Kai Leng looked up at the sound of successive explosions just down the hill from the Temple. That would undoubtedly be Shepard…though if forced to do so he would admit she had some talents, subtlety was not one of them. _Time to head for the shadows._

He stepped outside the entryway, reactivated the force field, and slipped into a small alcove around the corner. Through a gap in the columns he could see the front area of the Temple interior. He forced himself to settle back against the wall and wait for events to play out. He hated waiting; he preferred moving, stalking, attacking…and most of all, the adrenaline rush of holding a life in his hands then snuffing it out.

But the mission required waiting, and so he would wait.

Thankfully, the wait wasn't a long one. He heard footsteps approach the Temple; a moment later Shepard and her team came into view through the gap…a Turian, an Asari, and a…so _that_ was the Prothean she stole from Cerberus. He shook his head in disgust; her love of aliens was going to be her downfall before the end…which, if he had his preference, would be in about ten minutes.

... ... ...

The Temple was eerily quiet. It was as if they had passed through a dampening field when they stepped into the hall; the deafening sounds of Thessia falling faded to a muffled whisper.

Dramatic stone arches swept up to frame a towering statue of a vaguely Asari figure. Slightly smaller statues gazed reverently up at the Goddess Athame from each side. Pews populated the center of the Temple, oddly resembling old Christian churches on Earth. Encircling the pews along the walls were numerous relics associated with Athame, carefully preserved and protected.

Solemn and awe-inspiring as it was, Shepard's immediate concern was the bodies of the scientists lying at the feet of Athame. She hurried to them, kneeling down and checking for vitals – though with the amount of blood slicking the floor, it was a pointless act. The bodies were still warm; they were all dead, but had not been that way for long. She rolled one over…and frowned deeply. The scientist's throat had been slit ear-to-ear. She checked another body – same thing. She stood up, finding Garrus behind her watching the perimeter.

She shook her head quickly. "This is not good." She jogged back towards Liara and Javik as the sounds of their argument grew louder.

"Are you telling me the Protheans intervened to protect the Asari from alien attacks?"

"And when you weren't being attacked we intervened to teach you how to count. I read your research papers on us, Dr. T'Soni. You believe, with some evidence, that the Protheans studied and in several instances intervened to nurture primitive species in their development. Are you truly so arrogant as to believe the Asari were exempt from this?"

"EDI, scan the area around the Temple for any Cerberus traffic."

"No…but our entire mythology is based on the Goddess and her servants – "

"Look at that sculpture, Dr. T'Soni. Now look at me. That is a _Prothean_. Your eyes cannot lie to you."

"Understood…guys – "

"But we – "

"GUYS! Settle the galactic history argument later. We have to move fast – Kai Leng is already here, and EDI is tracking Cerberus gunships on the way. Now help me find this artifact."

Liara nodded quickly. "Of course, Shepard, I'm sorry. The relics on display aren't obviously a source, but I will check them for hidden mechanisms."

Javik looked over at Liara. "You check the left side; I will check the right."

Liara gave him a terse smile and nod. "Good thinking."

Shepard turned and walked deliberately back to the statues towering over the room. Athame's face tilted upwards towards the sky, eyes closed in contemplation. _Waiting._ As she approached the wide pedestal below the statue, the thick veil of silence seemed to contract in around her. She closed her eyes, and _listened_ to the silence…

…and heard a low hum. Not so much _heard_ it as felt it dance across her skin, thrum against her bones. Her biotics hummed back in return…for she already knew the melody, held it within her.

"There's a Prothean beacon here. In the statue."

Javik's head jerked up and he hurried over to her. He stood still for several seconds. "You are correct. I will discover how to activate it."

She nodded softly, and waited. Over the last three years (minus two for being more or less dead), she had directly interfaced with beacons twice; had vividly experienced the visions they gave at least five additional times; had dreamt them innumerable nights. She was not afraid of what the beacon held; she was not afraid to touch it and _see_.

Pale green light began to pour through seams in the statue. One by one, streams of light connected with the statue…and Athame began to crack. Pieces fell away as if they had been built to do so, dropping all around Shepard but not touching her, until at last the beacon was revealed fully, sparkling green light dancing along three Prothean obelisks.

She reached out to touch it…but instead, it came to her. A pulsing ball of green light flew out of the beacon, stopped centimeters in front of her face, then whizzed around behind her, expanding, writhing, and taking form.

The holographic image of a Prothean stood before them. "I am the virtual embodiment of the scientist Pashek Vran, overseer of the project you call the 'Crucible'; I am known as Vendetta." It paused. "Reaper presence detected; this cycle has reached its extinction precipice; diseng– "

"Wait!"

It paused, turned to face Shepard, and _waited_.

"You're wrong; we have almost completed construction of the Crucible. We _do_ stand on the precipice, but it is the precipice of winning, of defeating the Reapers once and for all. Please, will you come with us? We need the information you can provide."

It swung around to Javik. "This entity recognizes you as Prothean."

Javik's head dipped slightly. "The last Prothean."

"Does this organic speak the truth?"

"They have achieved more, and gotten further, than us or those who came before. They stand a chance."

It turned back to Shepard, transforming back into a pulsing disc. "Very well. We will integrate with your Crucible; the Catalyst – "

"Shepard, Cerberus forces are closing in on your locati– "

"Indoctrinated presence detected; activating security protocols." The VI shrunk to a pinpoint of light and flew into the beacon.

She spun around in time to watch the assassin swagger through the Temple. "_You_."

Kai Leng sneered. "_Me_."

"I've been wanting to kill you for a while now. Thanks for finally showing up so I can."

He…_smiled_. "All in due time. First, someone would like to speak with you." He opened his palm and a small orb floated towards her. He settled back, crossing his arms over his chest.

The orb flickered as it projected the moving image of the Illusive Man.

Shepard rolled her eyes dramatically. "Congratulations, your tech has improved – now your errand-boy can carry you around to all the places you can't go because you're too scared to step a foot outside your lair. What do you want?"

He gazed at her unblinking. "You have made quite a nuisance of yourself these last weeks, Shepard. I am _not_ amused."

"Awwww, did I blow up some of your toys? So sorry. Wait…no, I'm _really_ not." She surreptitiously motioned Garrus over towards the beacon, signaling for him to grab the artifact holding the VI while everyone else was focused on her tête-à-tête with the Illusive Man.

"Ahh, Shepard, so misguided, yet so confident she is right…a failing of many would-be leaders."

"Also a failing of many psychopaths. We are going to win this war, and you are _not_ going to stop us."

"You are beginning to make me regret bringing you back to life, Shepard."

"Seriously? That hurts my feelings." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Garrus quietly moving ever closer to the pedestal. "And I thought we had such a _good_ relationship after I ran off with your ship and your AI and your best operative…"

"The past is the past. What matters is the future. If you try to defeat the Reapers you will fail, and you will be destroying the greatest gift humanity has ever been given! I can control them, turn them to our own advantage, and usher in a golden age such as humanity has never before seen. Surely even you can see this is the only way to win. Don't fight me, Shepard; _help_ me."

She stared at his shimming hologram, shaking her head ruefully, a grim smile pulling at her lips as her voice lost the mocking tone. "If you try to control the Reapers, at best you will die a broken failure of a man; at worst you will condemn humanity to a slow, horrific genocide. I'd like to think that once upon a time you truly wanted to uplift humanity…but you lost your way long ago. There's nothing I can do to _help_ you. The answer is no."

Kai Leng suddenly spun around and behind her, flinging a biotic attack at Garrus just as he reached the pedestal, sending him flying through the air and into the shadows. She whirled on him, hand raised with a faint blue glow…but he had vanished.

The Illusive Man smiled. "Very well. I will have the identity of the Catalyst, Shepard, and I will prevent your Crucible from being completed. I will use it to my own ends, control the Reapers, and oversee a new world for us all. Leng, the Commander is protecting something I need. Please remove it and bring it to me."

"With pleasure." The hologram vanished, and several things happened at once. Leng materialized as he seemed to fly towards the pedestal. Liara pulled her arm back to unleash a biotic attack, and he reached over and _physically_ threw her into Javik, sending them both tumbling head over heel into the pews. Shepard sprinted towards the pedestal, but for as fast as she was, she didn't have Reaper tech flowing through her veins…and she wasn't fast enough.

Leng reached out and grabbed the artifact as his other hand reached back and put up a barrier around himself at the precise second her on-the-run _throw_ hurtled towards him. The biotics clashed in an explosion of blue sparks. He whispered into his comm then turned to her, safely behind his shimmering barrier even as she fired shot after shot at it.

"Goodbye, Shepard. Give my regards to Thane when you see him." He jogged down the center of the room towards the gunship hovering at the entrance as the pillars of the Temple began crumbling under the force of gunfire.

She ran. There was no time to look for the others; she could only pray that the ceiling wasn't falling down upon her team, her dearest friends. She wanted to help them more than anything – but this was about the fate of every life, on every world. So she ran.

_It wasn't enough._

A beam crashed down in front of her.

The floor split apart underneath her.

She fell.

She clawed at stone as it crumbled in her fingers.

She didn't look down into the abyss below her, lest it look back into her.

She kicked and grasped as she tumbled, searching for even the tiniest foothold to save her –

– then she found it.

Her foot skidded against stone as her hand slid along an exposed rebar jutting out of the collapsed wall. Blood flowed out of the rips in her glove and down her hand as the metal cut into her palm.

She gritted her teeth and held on. _I will not die again. Not this day._

Her foot found a solid notch, and she reached up with her unbloodied hand. She didn't look down, but she couldn't ignore the yawning blackness surrounding her. _What the hell was under the Temple?_ Alas, no time.

Centimeter by centimeter, she climbed. Trickles of blood ran down her armor and became streams. She ignored it as it began to cake in her hair, and climbed. She saw pale pink light tinged with the red of fire above her. Just a few more pulls. She reached up and grasped the edge of the broken horizontal floor –

– and it crumbled in her fingers.

She slid downward towards the blackness.

_A hand pulled her back from the abyss._

She looked up, eyes wide, to find Garrus looking down at her, blood dripping from the corner of his eye as he firmly grasped her arm. She grinned wildly, laughing in relief, as he pulled her up and over to solid ground.

Garrus collapsed beside her. "Dammit, Shepard, don't scare me like that."

She lay on the floor for one…two…glorious seconds, gasping in air. But events moved quickly in her world, and so must she. She pushed herself up, quickly checked to see Liara and Javik standing on their own two feet, if shakily, then hit her comm as she began jogging towards the entrance, the slightest limp slowing her down for only the first few steps. "Steve, we need a pickup immediately. James, Kal, get your asses up here. Kaidan, I hope you're done, because we are leaving _now_. EDI, tell me you tracked that gunship."

"Tracking it towards the Mass Relay, Shepard. Specialist Traynor is employing several interesting new algorithms to – "

"Terrific; you can tell me about it later." She looked around again. "Let Chakwas know she's going to have a number of minor-ish injuries to patch up…" She saw James and Kal crawl over the lip of the highest pool towards them. "Maybe a few major ones too."

With nothing left to do but wait for pickup, she stopped at the edge of the pool and stared out at the scene of beautiful destruction…

…and for just a moment, in the deep recesses of her mind and of her soul, she was afraid that it was all going to come apart around her. She was afraid that she was going to lose.

For just a moment, she was afraid.

_You must find a way, siha. For yourself, for your love, for all who yet live and breathe. _She spun around in surprise…but there was only the wind.

... ... ...

Kai Leng smiled to himself as the gunship accelerated away, dancing nimbly between the Reapers making a mess of Thessia. He activated his comm. "I've got the artifact. You were right; it sounded like it has knowledge of the Catalyst."

"Excellent. And Shepard?"

He glanced out the window at the dust cloud surrounding the crumbling ruin of the Temple. "Disposed of."

The Illusive Man sighed. "A shame, really. She could have been useful in bringing others over to our side. Nevertheless…not a tremendous loss. What matters is that we have the artifact, and with it the key to winning this war and saving our people."

"I'll have it to you in a few short hours."

"First I need you to stop by Sanctuary. Henry Lawson has sufficiently completed his research – it's the last piece of our puzzle. Pick up his files and anything else he has that we need, then bring all of it and the artifact to me."

"Understood, sir. Should I expect any trouble?"

"No; Henry's one of us."

... ... ...

Kaidan came over to her as soon as he hit the shuttle interior. "Shepard, you're bleeding. A lot. What happened?" His hand reached up to her hair, eyes filled with concern.

She shook her head roughly. "I'm fine. Did you get what we needed?"

He nodded slightly, still focused on her injuries. "I did…"

"Good; at least that's something." She met his eyes, and he was disconcerted by what he saw in hers. "The artifact was a Prothean VI, and Kai Leng has it. Steve, get us back to the Normandy NOW."

Yes, ma'am." He wrenched the gear down, and they all grabbed ahold of something as the shuttle lurched forward, leaving behind the fire and the screams of a planet falling.

... ... ...

She stormed through the cargo bay, flinging blood off her brow haphazardly on the way to the elevator. "EDI, where did that ship go?"

"It is still traversing the Mass Relay system, but based on its current course, it is headed to the Iera System."

She stopped cold in front of the elevator doors. "Sanctuary. I _knew_ something was fucked up about that place."

"I'm sorry?"

"It doesn't matter for now. Follow it. Don't lose it, EDI."

She slung her armor off in the direction of the armory repository and started to enter the elevator…but first she turned around, only to see Garrus, Liara, Javik, Kal and James limping forward in various states of mobility. She exhaled slowly, pushing the rage down deeper, willing herself to some state of minimal control, then looked over at Kaidan, jerking her head towards them. He nodded, and together they helped them each into the elevator and to the Med Lab and Dr. Chakwas' ministrations.

... ... ...

The medical tech sighed in frustration as he futily tried to tend to Shepard's hand as she paced quickly around the Med Lab. "Ma'am, please, if you could just hold still for a moment."

She looked over at him in surprise, as if she had completely forgotten he was there, then stuck her hand out in his direction for all of five seconds before resuming pacing. "Dr. Chakwas, what's the report?"

Chakwas didn't look up from Liara's leg. "Nothing too severe, thankfully. Kal'Reegar's suit held, he'll be fine; James took a blast to the shoulder, but he doesn't seem to _care_. Garrus has a bump on the head and a cut to his face; Liara here has a twisted knee and a bruised up face; Javik…well, he _seems_ okay. I'm afraid there are no books on Prothean physiology."

Liara smiled at Chakwas in thanks as she moved away, then looked over at Shepard in concern. "Shepard, are we tracking him? Do we have a way to catch him?"

She nodded, pulling her hand back covered in Medi-gel. "We are. Traynor's got an adaptive algorithm running that should allow us to follow him to his destination. Which – " she winced as the tech reached up and dabbed Medi-gel on her forehead " – appears to be Horizon."

Liara frowned. "Sanctuary?"

"So it would seem." At last freed from the tech's clutches, she faced the team, scattered throughout the Med Lab being tended to. "If that's the case, we'll be there in about five hours. Everyone get healed up as best you can and try to get some rest until then." She turned and calmly walked out the door.

... ... ...

Shepard ran a hand raggedly through her hair, not bothering to smooth it back down as Hackett's hologram materialized.

"Commander, what's the report?"

Her jaw was clenched. "Is the Crucible ready, sir?"

His head tilted slightly. "Almost. The last pieces of the propulsion system are being installed now. Another two days, maybe three – though I would prefer a little more time."

Her eyes closed. "Too long," she whispered.

"Commander, what _happened_ with the artifact?"

She swallowed hard and looked back at him. "Cerberus was already there. Specifically, Kai Leng. He…" She gritted her teeth…then accidentally bit the inside of her cheek, wincing at the sudden pain and metallic taste flooding her mouth. "He escaped with the artifact, sir."

Hackett turned away so she couldn't see the panicked expression momentarily crossing his face. He composed himself and turned back to her. "Did it contain information on the Catalyst?"

She nodded tightly. "It's a reasonable assumption. It was a VI created by the head of the Crucible project, and it definitely knew _of_ the Catalyst. We were cut off before I could determine anything further."

He exhaled, nodding slowly. "Okay. What's your plan?" He didn't ask _if_ she had a plan; of course she had a plan.

"We were anticipating the presence of Cerberus and were able to track Leng's departure; we are currently in pursuit. He appears to be headed for the Iera system."

Hackett looked up in surprise. "Sanctuary?"

"We don't know for certain, but it seems the most likely destination. It _would_ be just like Cerberus to advertise a safe haven, lure innocent people there, then do…I don't want to imagine what they may be doing to them."

"Neither do I. But unfortunately, that's a solid analysis."

"Sir, if he – "

"I know, Commander. Just get it back before it gets into the Illusive Man's hands."

"I'll try. I…I'm sorry. I was ready for Cerberus to show up, _expecting_ them to show up, and still…" She flinched, still not believing it. "…he beat me. He had a gunship and…it doesn't matter, I won't make excuses. He beat me."

"Commander, Kai Leng was a singularly formidable opponent even before he got pumped full of the finest in Reaper upgrades. At this point I'm not sure anything less than an orbital strike can take him out. So don't be too hard on yourself – just focus on the mission. It's not too late."

The muscles in her jaw twitched reflexively. "Of course. Let me know as soon as the Crucible's ready – and I'll let you know as soon as I have that artifact back."

He nodded sharply. "Hackett out."

The link went dead; she started to walk out of the Comm Room, then suddenly turned, picked a datapad up off the ledge, and threw it against the wall.

... ... ...

Kaidan knocked on Liara's door. There was no response; he knocked a second time. "Liara, it's Kaidan. Can I come in?"

There was a pause for several seconds before the door opened. Liara stood in the center of the room staring at the wall of monitors, though he wasn't sure if she was actually seeing them. She didn't look over at him.

"Liara, what happened down there?"

"My homeworld fell to the Reapers, what do you _think_ happened down there?" She exhaled heavily, shoulders sagging. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that." She motioned to the chair. "Please, sit."

She began pacing slowly. "I called myself understanding what you, Shepard, Vega, went through; what Garrus went through. I felt sadness and empathy for you having to watch Earth fall. But it turns out I didn't understand at all."

She leaned heavily against the wall opposite him, crossing her arms over her chest. "I haven't even been back to Thessia in over a decade. I have fond memories of growing up there, but I never thought I loved it…before today." She stared up at the ceiling. "My passion is knowledge; whether it was the long years spent trying to discover the truth about the Protheans or the last few years as an information broker, everything I do depends on knowledge, on knowing things others don't."

She finally looked back at him. "And right now, there's only one thing in all the galaxy I want to know…_why_? Why do the Reapers do it? Even murderers, even the insane, have justifications for what they do – there must be a reason!"

Kaidan smiled sadly at her. "You know about Shepard's conversations with them – they don't think like us; I'm not sure we could understand the reason even if they gave it."

She nodded slowly. "Of course, you're probably right. And I can't waste time obsessing over it or wallowing in self-pity. Nearly everyone on this ship has felt the same pain I do now, and they've found a way to focus on the mission; I have to as well."

"It's okay to grieve, Liara."

"No, it's not. There's no time. When this is over, I'll either grieve or celebrate…perhaps both." She straightened up slightly. "But you didn't actually come here to listen to me wail about Thessia. You want to know what happened at the Temple. I…are you sure you shouldn't be asking Shepard though?"

He bit his lower lip. "Yeah…she's hitting things at the moment. Violently. Not wanting to be one of them, I thought I'd give her a little time to cool down…and maybe find out what happened so I can help her."

She gazed at him, a curious expression on her face. "That really is what you want to do, isn't it? Help her?"

He looked perplexed. "Of course it is."

She smiled, nodding slowly. "Okay then."

... ... ...

Shepard hadn't cooled down.

She was demolishing the punching bag with wild, uncontrolled ferocity. Her hair had mostly fallen loose from its binding and stuck in damp tendrils to her face and neck; sweat mingled with blood as it trickled down. She didn't notice him enter.

She unleashed a roundhouse kick as he approached, sending the bag spinning wildly; he quickly ducked out of the way as it swung towards him. He encircled her from behind and gently grasped her arms as they punched out at the still swinging bag. "Hey, hey…" She jerked in surprise and fought him for a few seconds before acquiescing as he turned her around to face him. Her eyes were on fire, blazing purple with hints of blue swirling from her biotics just beneath the surface; her whole body was vibrating.

He brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her knuckles softly. "Oh baby, your hand's bleeding again…and your forehead. Don't do this to yourself."

She exhaled sharply, turning away and pacing in agitation. "We have to catch him – this _cannot_ be over, I refuse to let it be over, not when we're so fucking close – goddammit, if we lose because _motherfucking_ Kai Leng was faster than me, I'll – " She shook her head roughly. "No. I refuse to accept that – we will catch him and when we do I will rip his throat out on the way to _and_ on the way from ripping the Illusive Man's throat out – "

Suddenly her eyes, which had been darting all around, focused on his. She breathed out slowly, and it was if all the pent-up energy escaped with the breath. "I _had_ it; it was _right_ there. I still don't understand how he got away…"

He smiled tenderly, reaching out and tucking strands of hair behind her ear. "Well I could be wrong, but I've been led to believe that it had something to do with him bringing the Temple down on top of you."

She pulled back slightly, swallowing hard, her voice hesitant. "About that…Kaidan, I…when we were in the Temple…I fell. The gunship was firing, the ground collapsed, and suddenly there was _nothing_ beneath me…it was like falling through space, only there were no stars to welcome me…" She squeezed her eyes shut. "I wish I could tell you it was no big deal, that I had it all under control, but…I can't. I held on the first time, I climbed, but then…Garrus saved me, it's as simple as that. I would have been dead. Again."

He pulled her tightly against him. He didn't tell her that he already knew, not wanting to cheapen the act of her sharing the unvarnished truth with him even though it was obviously difficult. "But you're alive, and that's what matters." He kissed the top of her head. "Thank you _so_ much for telling me. Come on, let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

"I…" She looked back at the bag, at the equipment scattered haphazardly on the floor, then slowly let out a breath. "Okay."

Upstairs, the scalding water coursed over her, washing away the blood and the concrete dust and the sweat.

He lifted her chin and gently turned her face to his, reaching up with his other hand and softly wiping away the last of the blood from the cut on her forehead. As the water poured over them and steam began to fill the shower, she gazed up at him with eyes so troubled, a stab of pain cut deep across his heart. Her eyes should never look like that…they should be dancing with joy, with mischief, with life. Always.

"What if we lose?" Her voice was a whisper.

His hand slid down to cup her cheek. "We won't. _You_ won't."

Her eyes traveled along the features of his face, searching. "Why are you so sure?"

"Because you don't know how to lose."

She huffed a breath and turned her face upward, letting the water pour over it. "I seem to recall one time where I lost in spectacular fashion…"

His hand drifted down, along her neck, across her shoulder, gently over her breast, evoking a sharp intake of breath, down her abdomen. "You're standing here now; it looks to me like you won even that fight." His fingertips caressed the lettering along her hip. "You may have been dead, but now you are alive – "

Then she was pressed against him, arms encircling him, fingers scraping through his hair, as her lips crashed into his. And for just a little while, nothing else mattered.

... ... ...

Kai Leng frowned as his comm buzzed as soon as he passed through the Relay into the Iera System. The Illusive Man was getting annoyingly over-protective. He took a deep breath and made sure is voice was polite and respectful. "Yes, sir?"

"You disappoint me, Leng."

He flinched. "I'm sorry, sir. What happened?"

"It would appear that Shepard is still alive."

"I don't see how that's possible."

"Well I assure you it is. I've warned you time and again not to underestimate her. Now the Normandy has left Thessia and is on the move – and if I know Shepard, which I _do_, she is not very happy right now. When Shepard is angry, she is even more dangerous than usual. Be on your guard; take extra precautions. And for god's sake, Leng – hurry."

"Yes, sir." The link went dead, and he leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes. For one, he was going to need to find a new ship…


	66. Prodigal

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 66**

"**Prodigal"**

* * *

><p>Miranda leveled the gun at her father's forehead…just to the left of her sister's ear.<p>

His grip on his gun tightened, the barrel pushing harder against Oriana's temple. Oriana's jaw clenched, but she otherwise showed no pain, no weakness. He, however, did. His voice was a key higher-pitched; strained. "Miranda, you must understand – what I'm doing here, it's the key to the future; with it, we can realize our dreams – "

"Your dreams – not mine."

He blinked. "But Miranda, you and I…we're the same."

She huffed a harsh breath, but her gun didn't waver. "See, _father_, that's the thing that you, for all your brilliance, never understood. Genes don't make you who you are. I may have your genes, but I am _not_ you." One corner of her mouth twitched up slightly.

"I'm better."

_Ninety-six Days Ago (Two Weeks Before Reaper Invasion of Earth)_

The Illusive Man activated the feed and shimmered into existence in the middle of the lab. He could see several bodies scattered on the floor alongside broken glass, overturned furniture…and one woman leaning over the central terminal, typing furiously.

"Miranda."

She continued typing for another second, then slowly turned around and leaned against the desk. "Illusive Man. You'll forgive me if I don't say it's a pleasure."

"I must say, I'm disappointed in you, Miranda. You had such potential; I had thought you as completely devoted to our mission, to the furtherance of humanity, as I am. Perhaps I should have realized that your stunted emotional development would make you susceptible to Shepard's charms; my mistake."

Miranda flared. "My _stunted_ – you – " She stopped herself, taking a deep breath. "No. You can't manipulate me any longer. Shepard opened my eyes, showed me how strong I truly am – showed me that I don't owe you and I don't need you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some secrets to steal." She turned back to the terminal and resumed typing.

He glared at the back of her head, his jaw twitching reflexively. "I tolerated your little defection at the time because I had larger matters to focus on. But now you are becoming something of a nuisance – a skill you no doubt learned at Shepard's knee. It was a pleasure to have you in my service, but now I'm afraid I must contain the situation."

She entered one final keystroke, palmed an OSD, and turned back to him, smiling predatorily. "I am not a situation – and trust me, you will _not_ be able to contain me. Thank you for the intel." She walked out the door of the lab, through the wreckage she had created, and onto her waiting ship.

He slammed his hand down on the disconnect signal then threw his glass against the wall, ignoring the shattering fragments and the spray of scotch. He paced rapidly in agitation, absently scratching at the tiny but growing white-blue rivulets along his neck. _Ungrateful child, I gave her everything, I made her what she is – she would be nothing without me!_

He abruptly stopped pacing and stared out at the pulsing star beyond the windows, willing his breathing under control. After several minutes he calmly activated his comm. "Instruct Henry Lawson to tighten his security protocols; let him know his daughter is coming for him. Implement a Zeta Protocol on Miranda Lawson, but direct that she be captured alive if possible. And bring me a fresh scotch."

_Sixty-three Days Ago_

Miranda slid quietly into the shuttle seat by the window; a moment later the engines fired under her feet as it lifted off. The view out the window was spectacular as the sun set over the harbor, reflecting off the glass skyscrapers as it dropped below the horizon.

She didn't notice.

The information provided by her contact on Bekenstein had been vague at best, bits and pieces…her father heading up a special research project for Cerberus, something to do with the Reapers, but no further information available. She exhaled softly – if her father was leading it, it must involve genetics, human physiology, cloning…or some nefarious extension of those fields of study.

_Dear god, the Illusive Man wasn't _really_ trying to grow his own Reaper, was he?_

She shuddered briefly at the thought before pushing it to the side. Focus on the mission; focus on the goal – finding Ori. The only other information she had obtained was that her father hadn't been seen at his estate – or anywhere, for that matter – in months.

Which meant the Illusive Man had set up a secret lab somewhere for this "project"…which meant it could be anywhere in the galaxy.

But her father couldn't disappear off the map completely. He had investments, assets, companies that had to be maintained. _That_ was how she would find him. If her father wasn't maintaining them, then someone else was…and that someone could be only one person. Thomas Marone.

_Forty-nine Days Ago_

Liara hit her terminal as soon as she walked in her quarters, pulling up the sea of messages that inevitably followed the hours away out on a mission. She quickly categorized and prioritized most of them…then frowned slightly as one jumped out from the rest. She opened it.

_Dr. T'Soni,_

_I find myself in need of your assistance once more, though this time it is for me alone. I need someone located, and quickly. His name is Thomas Marone; he is a powerful, well-known financier and businessman. But most importantly, he is the most trusted advisor of my father, Henry Lawson…his consigliere, as it were._

_Oh, and he's human of course._

_I have worked to locate him myself but have been unsuccessful. You know that I know that you have the resources to find virtually anyone (that isn't a veiled threat to expose you, merely an explanation of why I am coming to you and not the dozens of other talented information brokers available to me). I'm certain that many of those resources are tied up in the war effort; to make it even easier to tell me 'no', I do not have the funds to pay you for this job._

_I can only implore you to do this one last favor for me, in return for what I gave back to you._

_- Miranda Lawson_

She shut off the terminal and went to find what had been given back to her.

... ... ...

Traynor frowned in confusion. "I'm not sure I understand, ma'am…these Ardat-Yakshis kill by sucking their victim's brain? During sex?"

Shepard chuckled lightly. "I don't think it has to be during sex as such, merely a moment of intimacy; and they don't 'suck your brain' per se – it's more that they drain your life energy." She paused. "And you let them."

"You _let_ them?"

"Ardat-Yakshi have a power – of persuasion, as it were. They use it to manipulate and seduce their victim until the person wants to surrender to them." Her voice grew soft as she gazed at the floor. "It's like a serpent, a whisper slithering in your mind, insisting that you _want_ to submit…"

Her head tilted, lips curling up slightly in what could have been a smirk. "I imagine it's a lot like what someone experiences when they're being indoctrinated."

Liara came out of the elevator to find them leaning side-by-side against the ledge in front of the galaxy map. "Shepard, do you have a moment?"

"It's fine, Commander, I should get back to work anyway."

Shepard pushed off the ledge. "Sure, Liara. Walk with me."

Liara fell in beside her. "I received a message from Miranda Lawson, asking me to use Shadow Broker resources to locate someone for her."

"Do you need my help? Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No, it's not that…I just wanted to know whether you thought I should do it. She's Cerberus, and – "

Shepard shook her head. "No. Not anymore. She told the Illusive Man to go fuck himself in the middle of the Collector Base and has been on the run from Cerberus pretty much ever since."

Liara nodded appreciatively. "Impressive. Still, I always found her rather…devious and…" She paused. "…unlikeable."

Shepard's head tilted slightly. "I didn't think you knew her that well. I mean, she came with me to Ilium that time, and – "

Liara's mouth was set in a grim line. "She was the person that first approached me about recovering…you."

Shepard's head dropped for the briefest moment…then she looked back up, smiling affectionately. "Liara, how many times am I going to have to tell you that you did the right thing by helping them? You shouldn't be ashamed, and you shouldn't be afraid of bringing it up. I've come to terms with what happened – and while I certainly would have rather lived through the attack on the Normandy, I'll happily take being alive now."

Liara smiled, nodding slowly. "I know, I do." She sighed. "But the fact still remains that Miranda is…"

Shepard huffed a laugh. "A bit of a bitch – believe me, I know. She and I didn't _exactly_ see eye-to-eye for…quite some time. But she's a friend now. Give her whatever you can."

_ Twenty-two Days Ago_

Miranda glanced quickly over her shoulder; satisfied the hallway was clear, she quickly linked her Omni-tool to the door lock, her fingers flying over it as she hacked the lock. Seven seconds later a quiet 'click' sounded. She quickly opened the door to the hotel room and slipped in, locking it behind her.

Thomas Marone stood on the balcony, his back to her, his hand to his ear; the breeze coming off Trident's perpetual ocean masked the sound of her entry. She quietly moved behind him; in a flash her heavy pistol was at his temple, her other hand grasping his arm firmly.

"Hang up."

He nodded tightly, his body tensed. "Listen, I'm going to have to comm you back later, maid service is here." As his hand pulled slightly away from his ear, her leg locked around his, sweeping him to the floor; instantly she was on top of him, one knee keeping his legs down while the other pressed threateningly against his kidney. The gun had somehow never left his temple.

He put up a brave front; this probably wasn't the first time he had been held at gunpoint. "Miranda…I wish I could say it was a pleasure, but, well, it's not."

She just glared at him. "Where's my father?"

"I don't know."

Her arm slammed into his neck, compressing his larynx. "Where. Is. My. Father."

He coughed haltingly. "I don't _know_ – I swear, that's the truth! He's been gone for months, I barely ever hear from him – "

"Fine. Where is Oriana?"

"With him. That's all I know."

She let up the pressure ever so slightly. "What is he working on for Cerberus?"

His left eye twitched. "I don't know that either, it's something to do with the Reapers, that's all – "

She hit the gun barrel across his face before returning it to his temple as blood began to pour out of his nose. "You _do_ know. I suggest you tell me, or I might lose my temper."

His eyes widened slightly. "I told him not to do it, that it was too dangerous, but – "

Her knee pressed deeper into his abdomen; he cried out in pain. "I won't ask you again. _What_ is he working on?"

He sputtered. "Control. He and the Illusive Man think they can figure out how to use Reaper tech to control the Reapers. They're studying Husks to determine how the Reapers communicate with them, control them." His eyes pleaded with her. "That's it; he won't tell me anything about the research, he's becoming more and more distant, I can't get through to him – "

She slammed the pistol against his temple, dazing him momentarily. She stood up, stepped back slightly, and shot him between the eyes. Then she lowered the gun and shot him twice in the heart.

_He would have talked._ There was no threat she could have made that would have prevented him from comming her father twenty seconds after she left – and then it would all have been for nothing. Then Ori would have been beyond her reach, possibly forever.

She grabbed a towel from the bathroom and wiped the blowback off her gun, threw the towel down the garbage chute, and left.

So her father and the Illusive Man thought they were going to control the Reapers…

They were deluded, of course. Even two of the smartest people humanity had ever produced stood no chance of outsmarting creatures billions – possibly trillions – of years old, particularly when their narcissistic egotism clouded their judgment and colored their goals.

In a way though, she was glad. For while her primary and foremost goal was saving her sister…if she could short-circuit their plans along the way she would be helping the war effort, at least a little bit; she would be helping Shepard, at least a little bit. Everyone would win…everyone, that is, that mattered.

__One Week Ago__

Miranda's heels click-clacked on the marble floor as she moved quickly along the Presidium Market – at least as quickly as she could without drawing attention to herself. Not that it was overly likely anyone would notice her even if she were stark naked and screaming, for the Citadel was quickly descending into chaos as the refugees overflowed the docking bays, overflowed the Wards, overflowed the hospitals. The shops that remained opened were offering 50-75% discounts, 'Everything Must Go' banners blinking overhead, as they tried to stave off the looters and the chaos.

She quirked a small grin to herself. Okay, they would probably notice if _she_ were stark naked and screaming…

As she waited for the elevator, she ran the message she had received the day before from Oriana through her head again. She already had every pause, every static – of which there was far too much – memorized. Her reason for being at the Citadel was to "purchase" high-grade military software that could clean up the message and hopefully reveal more clues in the static.

_"…randa…you can…fathe…tuar…repe…anc…ua…"_

She frowned, rubbing her temples wearily. There just wasn't enough there to go on, it could be anyth–

She froze, her eyes fixed on the advertisement flashing on the wall beside the elevator. _A refuge, a safe haven from the Reapers…for peace of mind, come to Sanctuary._

The elevator door opened and people around her filed in; she ignored it.

She activated her Omni-tool and ran a search for news stories about Sanctuary, then flipped through the results: "Sanctuary promises safety, but can it deliver?"… "Hundreds line up at Sanctuary offices, hoping for a seat to a mystery destination"… "Sanctuary location secret for everyone's safety, company representative says"… She kept scanning. There were no pictures; there were no interviews with people who had gone there, no reports about conditions there. There was no evidence that it even existed at all.

Surely even they wouldn't stoop to such horrific lows…

"_The simple, hard truth is, some lives do matter more than others. And yours matters more than most."_

_Shepard's voice was quiet. "That may be. But that doesn't mean I can countenance the deliberate and willful torture and killing of others. Not under any circumstances – but certainly not for me."_

_Miranda notched her chin up a bit. "Cerberus doesn't do that."_

_Shepard looked directly at her. "Yes, they _do_. Do I need to start naming them? We could start with sacrificing an entire unit of marines to thresher maws then experimenting on those that survived…we could then move on to turning an entire colony of unwitting humans into mindless husks because Cerberus wanted to play with technology they didn't understand. Next up might be – "_

_She held up a hand in defeat, head dropped low. "Okay, okay…just…stop."_

Miranda sighed quietly.

…of course they would.

_Today_

Miranda pulled her heavy overcoat tighter around her as she stepped off the shuttle – one unremarkable person among dozens of arrivals. A hat covered her dramatic raven locks, but she kept her gaze low to the ground nonetheless as the guards herded the new arrivals towards the processing center.

She glanced over at the sign by the entrance: "No communications allowed beyond the Newcomer Processing Center. Please be aware that all outbound communications are blocked for your safety." She couldn't help but smile a bit. Oriana had somehow figured out how to get around the block, if only for a few seconds. _Oh you clever, clever girl. I'm so proud of you._

As the crowd filed through the doors, she saw a dimly-lit hallway to the right. She would likely never get a better chance…she slid up to where the crowd was thickest, then in a flash was gone into the hallway and around the corner.

She quickly slipped off the coat and hat, stashing them in a trash bin nearby, then double-checked the pistol clipped to her hip. Satisfied, she activated her Omni-tool…sure enough, no outbound communications. She used the scanning function to determine the layout of the facility for the next eighty meters, after which the scan ran into heavy electro-static interference. Well, at least she knew where she was headed…

Memorizing the first dozen turns, she shut down the Omni-tool and started off.

... ... ...

Kai Leng stepped out of the gunship and glanced around. Plenty of empty shuttles for requisitioning once he was done; painfully slow, but he supposed they would get the job done just this once. He went to the side door, around the corner from the throngs of shell-shocked, desperate refugees, entered the code, and stepped inside.

The lab was up two flights of stairs and through two more doors, each with more restricted entry codes. He passed medical gurneys filled with sedated patients, then pods filled with unconscious humans, then pods filled with Husks; he gave none of them a second glance. When he arrived at the office overlooking the lab floor, he didn't knock.

The distinguished-looking man turned as he entered, his lips pursed. "Yes…the Illusive Man said you would be coming. I tried to explain that I needed more time – "

"He needs your research now. I trust it works?"

Henry Lawson nodded tightly. "It works. But there are limitations, I should – "

"Put them in the report. I'm on a tight schedule here, what do you have?"

"Everything is being gathered together now; it should be ready within half an hour."

Kai Leng raised an eyebrow. "Why don't we see what we can do to speed that up."

As Lawson turned to his terminal and began typing rapidly, Leng settled against the wall in a stance of practiced ease; he looked over at the young woman sitting quietly in the corner, and smiled dangerously. Most people recoiled or at least flinched upon being on the receiving end of that look…but she just stared at him, her chin notching slightly higher. _Huh._

... ... ...

Miranda stared in horror at the log files. She knew she needed to hurry, needed to get to Ori…but she couldn't believe what she was reading. They were _actually_ taking these innocent, helpless people and turning them into Husks to study…she felt like she was going to be sick.

She stepped back from the terminal. She may not be able to get a message out – at least not without hours she didn't have of analysis and hacking – but she had to do _something_. She saved the log files to her Omni-tool, then recorded a message.

"Sanctuary is not what you think it is. It is not a safe haven – it is a trap. Leave now. Run away, hide, do whatever you must to save yourselves. Cerberus and Henry Lawson are conducting horrific experiments on the refugees here. If you stay, you will be turned into a Reaper Husk – the zombies you've seen on the news, or possibly in person. Please, if you value your life, _get out now_."

She loaded it into the terminal and set it to begin broadcasting to every monitor in…half an hour. Then she hurried down the hall and up the stairs.

She was almost to Ori.

... ... ...

Alarm sirens rang out; red strobe lights began flashing from the ceiling. Henry Lawson jumped in surprise then ran over to the wall of monitors.

Kai Leng tensed, his body instantly dropping into a combat stance. "What is that?"

Lawson stared at the monitors in horror. Fireballs rained down at the entrance and into the pavilion. Not getting an answer, Leng glanced over at the monitors. "Oh, that's just great. Husks – the _real_ kind. You had better get me that data now, because you're little playground is about to go bye-bye."

Lawson spun around. "What? You have to protect us!"

"You have Cerberus troops here, right? Disguised as regular guards?"

He nodded.

"Then I suggest you tell them to get into their armor and get to work. The data. _Now._"

... ... ...

Garrus watched the shuttle lift up and fly out the open cargo bay door, then turned to the Mako and began the routine pre-drop check. For the moment he was alone in the cargo bay…and it was just like the old days. He smiled to himself as he checked the mounted cannon and guns. If only they had known what they were in for back then, what was coming…well, they would have done exactly what they did.

At least until they lost Shepard, anyway. His smile faded. She had been the glue, the driving force, the spirit that kept him – all of them – believing and fighting. If he hadn't lost her, he might not have run to Omega, might not have lost those two years to that bottomless pit of sin and despair.

It wasn't that he regretted what he did on Omega; if anything, he was proud of it…and he knew in his heart that it had forged him into someone better, someone stronger. But he _should_ have been on Palaven, should have been making them listen, making them prepare. If they had started getting ready two years earlier…he might not be watching his homeworld's defenses crumble now.

He shook his head roughly. _Just a little longer; we're almost there._ The elevator door opened and Shepard and EDI came out, talking animatedly.

"No, it had been hidden the whole time, apparently built into the elevated walkway."

"How did you determine how to activate it?"

Shepard shrugged. "I didn't; it was already active when we got there."

EDI's head tilted slightly. "Curious."

Shepard leaned against the side of the Mako next to Garrus, dropping one ankle over the other as she watched him. "Thanks for deigning to make an exception to your "rule" just this once."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Of course; whatever is required for the mission."

Joker came over the speaker. "We're approaching the drop site, ETA one minute."

Garrus opened the door and gestured inside.

Shepard's brow furrowed.

"After you."

"But…"

He grinned the slightest bit. "You didn't think I was going to let you _drive_, did you?"

... ... ...

Kai Leng pocketed the OSD and clipped the satchel full of vials to his belt as the door closed behind him. He could _just_ hear the dim echoes of screams as the Husks rampaged through the facility; they were still a good distance away. But he was on a timetable, so he jogged down the hall, through the door, and down the stai–

The roundhouse kick caught him on the side of the chin; if he hadn't begun moving a split-second before it connected, it would have broken his neck. Well…if he had still been remotely human it would have broken his neck; as it were, it would have knocked him out momentarily.

He spun around, slamming the assailant into the wall. Their hand came up, a blue glow emanating from it, just as his barrier activated. The suddenly prolific blue energy provided rather a lot of lighting, and he smirked at the woman struggling under his arm.

"Miranda…long time, no see."

"Not long enough – " She kneed him in the side then took advantage of the momentary weakening of his grip to duck down and back away, pulling her pistol up as she did. His arm thrust out, palm up, and a projectile shot out at her, beating her barrier by a millisecond. She was on the move, so the bolt caught her in the side; likely not a killing blow…but it would do.

She staggered from the impact, gasping at the sudden, sharp pain. But she was nothing if not disciplined, and in a blink she was back in control…though a bit slower. As he came towards her, she had only a second to react. Her free hand reached into her pocket and grasped the tracker she had intended for her father. As he picked her up in the air by the neck, she made a show of flailing wildly…and stuck the tracker to the inside of his collar.

He slammed her head into the wall…and everything went black.

Kai Leng continued down the stairs, through one more hallway, and out the door. He rounded the corner to the makeshift landing area, then quickly flattened himself back against the wall.

_Shepard._ Goddamn bitch really was alive. And _here_. How had she…he gritted his teeth. No matter. He was on a timetable, and now he was running late. He was going to have to let the Husks take care of her and her companions.

He waited until they had passed into the pavilion, then quietly moved along the back of the transport shuttles. He stepped into the last one, hacked the start-up mechanism, fired it up, and lifted off.

... ... ...

EDI motioned over to the left as they moved carefully towards the entrance. "There is the gunship; it appears Kai Leng is still here."

Shepard smiled darkly. "Good. I have a score to settle with him. Two, actually."

Garrus walked over to the gunship, reached under the carriage, and wrenched something sideways. His hand came back holding a long tube and a square metal box, which he tossed into the bushes as he returned. "And now he's staying…though I guess he _could_ steal one of those shuttles…"

"Not likely; they're far too slow for his tastes."

"Though he does have the artifact – he will be wanting to leave by any means possible," EDI provided helpfully.

"We can't take them all out without an orbital strike, and that would let them know we're here…" Shepard's voice trailed off as her gaze fixated on the bodies strewn across the pavilion lawn. They had been ripped to shreds, thrown haphazardly to bleed out where they fell.

Garrus kneeled down for a closer look at one of the bodies. "Husks," he muttered as he stood.

Shepard stared at the field of bodies in front of them. "Right." She sighed. "This colony can't catch a break; it's like it's cursed." She shook her head then began walking forward determinedly.

Garrus caught up, falling in beside her. "Is it weird, being back here? Because of what happened before…"

She shrugged mildly. "Nah. What happened here hasn't mattered for a long time."

He raised a…the area above his eye. "Still. I imagine you would have liked it if Kaidan could have come with us."

"Of course, but we've all got work to do. We talked about it this evening, after…" She grinned, then cut her eyes over to him. "It's _fine_. I promise."

He raised his hands in defeat. "Alright."

Their pace slowed as they approached the entry to the main facility.

"Newcomer Processing" hung in large silver letters over what had until recently been a clean, shining, open room. Sirens blared as red lights flashed, glass lay shattered across the floor, chairs and tables were overturned or crushed, and bodies lay piled against the exit doors – but the speakers continued to broadcast the welcome message:

"Welcome to safety; welcome to peace of mind. Welcome to Sanctuary. Please proceed to the appropriate desk for processing and assignment of living quarters. Outside communications are not allowed beyond this point, for your safety and the safety of all who have come for sanctuary. Welcome to safety; welcome to – "

The monitors flickered as the loudspeaker turned to static…then a new voice filled the air. Shepard recognized it immediately, of course, because it was the first voice she had heard upon awakening from the grave.

"_Sanctuary is not what you think it is. It is not a safe haven – it is a trap. Leave now. Run away, hide, do whatever you must to get away. Cerberus and Henry Lawson are conducting horrific experiments on the refugees here. If you stay, you will be turned into a Reaper Husk – the zombies you've seen on the news, or possibly in person. Please, get out now."_

Garrus looked over at her. "Is that Miranda?"

She nodded tightly. "And her father is running this place. Excellent."

He nodded sagely. "So we've got Cerberus, Kai Leng, Husks, and Miranda's crazy father. Anything else we need to be on the lookout for?"

"Probably."

... ... ...

Miranda blinked several times, willing her eyes to stay open and focus. She slowly lifted her head, reaching up gingerly to feel where it had hit the wall. Not surprisingly, her fingers came away tinged with red. Not too much, though; she would live. She started to stand, then collapsed back on the stairs as pain from the wound in her side wracked her body.

She slowly rolled over and inspected the damage. The bolt was still sticking out, just above her hip. She pulled off a glove, stuck it in her mouth, readied the Medi-gel – then quickly yanked it out. The glove muffled her scream of pain as she bit down on it; a gush of blood followed the bolt out, and she quickly lathered Medi-gel on the open wound before she bled out on the stairs, less than fifty meters from her goal.

As the Medi-gel began to dampen the shooting pain to a shooting ache, she removed the glove from her mouth and slipped it back on, then lay back against the wall for a few seconds, working to calm her breathing. She had been injured in the middle of a battle before, and she hadn't been nearly so motivated then as she was now. She could do this.

She planted her hands on the stair above her and slowly pushed herself up, grunting through the pain. Standing at last, she looked up the staircase, and started ascending.

... ... ...

Shepard leapt over the walkway railing and onto the catwalk as the Brute charged. "Now would be good!" she shouted over the clanging of crashing metal.

"Got it!" Garrus grunted as he laid the proximity mines then grabbed the bar overhead and swung up just as the Brute reached him.

EDI turned from the door just as the Brute exploded, blood and gore splattering across her face. She politely wiped it away as she smiled. "I have the door open."

Shepard grinned as she jumped down to the floor. "Good job." She walked through the door ahead of them, and stopped.

The lab was filled with artifacts and experiments gone wrong. Small pieces of Reapers hung in suspension inside glass tubes alongside body parts from Husks, small animals turned to monsters, and synthetic-organic hybrid materials. Terminals lined the walls, screens filled with research data abandoned in the panic to escape.

EDI immediately moved to a terminal. "Acquiring and recording the research data."

Shepard wandered around the room, gazing at the contents of the numerous glass tubes. Garrus stood in the doorway, and watched her.

She stopped at a tube mid-way down the room that contained a Reaper fragment. She reached up, her fingertips slowly running down the tube.

EDI backed away from the terminal. "Acquisition complete."

Garrus nodded. "Good. Let's go." He turned and started to go through the door, then stopped and looked behind him. "Shepard…let's go."

She frowned slightly, still staring at the artifact. "We should save these, take them back with us. Hackett will want them for his team to study…"

"Then he can send someone to get them. We need to move."

He waited another three seconds. "_Shepard._"

Her head swung over to him; she blinked several times then nodded tightly. "Right." Her hand dropped from the glass and she turned towards the door. She took a step then spun around and punched her gloved fist through the glass tube, sending clear fluid and glass flying across the room. The artifact landed on the floor, where she stared at it coldly.

"Garrus, give me a grenade."

He was frowning behind her, a little unnerved by the sudden outburst. "I only have proximity mines, you know that…"

"Bullshit. I saw you and James tinkering with his frag grenades the other day; I'm willing to bet you brought at least one with you but haven't decided yet whether to try it out or not."

He sighed heavily. "Shepard, we should just – "

"Grenade, please."

"Fine…" He reached behind his back and unlatched the grenade from its holster and handed it to her.

"Alright, everybody out." Once they were all through the door she turned around, threw the grenade in the direction of the artifact, and slammed the door shut. Three seconds later a loud explosion sounded as the walls rattled.

She nodded sharply. _"There."_

EDI frowned slightly. "But Shepard, I thought you wanted Admiral Hackett to study those artifacts?"

She shrugged. "I guess he'll just have to make do with the data you pulled, EDI. Let's go."

As they moved down the hall she reached up and grasped Garrus' hand. "Oh, and Garrus? Thank you."

He looked over his shoulder at her. "…for the grenade?"

She grinned affectionately, though her eyes were serious. "For the grenade."

... ... ...

Miranda flattened herself against the wall by the door, straining to hear through the reinforced steel.

Most people would have gotten weaker with every step; but, thanks to the man behind this door, Miranda was not most people.

She had gotten stronger.

If she had concentrated on it she would have been able to _feel_ her body healing itself, knitting itself back together. But she had no time to concentrate on it; instead, she concentrated on the door.

"Then send more troops!…no, I _don't_ know why the Reapers suddenly decided to attack us – maybe your pet assassin brought them here…I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean – you know what? I'm _not_ sorry. I've slaved for months, and I've delivered; I've given you what you wanted most, now you damn well better get more troops here to rescue me. You _owe_ me…hello…hello?…dammit!"

She almost burst out laughing as she stood bleeding against the wall. The Illusive Man had hung up on him. He was leaving her father to die.

_Talk about just desserts._

Then her expression darkened. But she wasn't leaving Ori here to die. She took a long, deep breath, squared her shoulders, readied her barrier, and kicked the door open.

His head spun around to the door.

She smirked, gun raised. "Hello, _father_."

... ... ...

The sound of raised voices drifted down the hallway as they approached. Shepard signaled for them to slow for a moment, then nodded tightly. "It's Miranda," she whispered. "Watch your shots."

Shepard leaned carefully against the door.

"_I may have your genes, but I am _not_ you."_

"_I'm better."_

She opened the door and walked in, gun raised. "The illustrious Mr. Lawson, I presume?"

Miranda didn't look over her shoulder. "You _do_ know how to make an entrance, Shepard. Not that I'm unhappy you're here, but I had it under control. Isn't that right, Ori?"

Oriana smiled confidently, looking for all the world like she _didn't_ have a gun pressed against her temple. "You bet, sis."

Shepard chuckled slightly. "Of that, I have absolutely no doubt. Believe it or not, I'm not _actually_ here to rescue you, though I'll be happy to do so should you require it. Where's Kai Leng?"

Miranda steadied her pistol as her father eyed something to the side. He froze and focused back on her. "Gone."

Shepard's grip on her gun faltered slightly as she exhaled harshly. "_What?_"

Henry Lawson saw his one opportunity and lunged for the desk.

Miranda flipped her palm away from the pistol grip, blue tendrils rising above it, then pushed it forward –

– and Henry Lawson crashed through the glass window and plummeted three stories to the floor below.

Miranda immediately moved to Oriana, grabbing her and hugging her tightly. After a moment Oriana turned slightly, trying to look behind her. Miranda quickly glanced down through the broken window to see her father being torn apart by his own creations. "Don't look, Ori. You don't need to see this."

Oriana turned back at Miranda, a sad smile on her face. "Yes. I do." She walked to the edge and looked over, a quiet intake of breath the only sign of weakness. Then she turned back, walked over to Miranda, and hugged her again. "So you got my message then."

Miranda laughed wearily. "I got your message." She finally pulled back and looked over at Shepard.

She was staring wordlessly out the broken glass; all the blood had drained from her face, and her eyes were cold as death.

Garrus placed a hand on her shoulder. "Shepard, it will be okay. We just need to – "

"I should have called in an orbital strike…stupid mistake…we have to – "

"Shepard, it's alright. I put a tracker on him."

Shepard's head whipped around to Miranda. "You did _what_?"

Miranda reached in her pocket and pulled out a small console, tossing it to Shepard. "I put a tracker on him. I had intended it for my father, but – " she glanced slightly over her shoulder " – it turns out he didn't need it anyway. I don't know how much good it will do, he could be headed anywhere, but – "

Shepard's expression had transformed instantly from despair to joy. She grinned like a kid on Christmas morning. "No, he's not headed anywhere – he's headed to the Illusive Man."

Miranda frowned. "Sure, he has my father's data, but – "

Shepard had that look on her face, that one Miranda had hated at first because it meant Shepard knew something she didn't and maybe just _maybe_ might be more clever than her…but eventually had come to love, because it meant that Shepard had things well in hand and, most importantly, that they were going to _win_.

"He _also_ has the artifact that the Illusive Man thinks is going to let him use your father's data to control the Reapers. There is only one place he's headed."

Miranda huffed a disbelieving laugh as she leaned on Ori just a little bit for support. "I'll be damned."

Shepard's eyes sparkled as she gazed at Miranda. "Want to go kill him?"

Miranda's eyebrow raised. "Which one?"

"Both of them, of course."

Miranda started to respond, then looked over at Oriana questioningly. Oriana smiled bravely and nodded, and Miranda looked back at Shepard.

"Hell yes."

... ... ...

Shepard quickly twisted the band around her hair a final time as the hologram shimmered into existence. She nodded perfunctorily. "Admiral."

"Commander. What's the report."

She worked to frown rather than smile. "We disabled Kai Leng's ship on arrival…however, he apparently hot-wired a shuttle and escaped while we were dealing with Husks – of both the Reaper and Cerberus persuasion."

Hackett's eyes widened. "He got away? Cerberus is making Husks? But – "

She raised a palm in a calming gesture. "Yes, and yes, but we have the situation under control. The Cerberus lab has been neutralized and its leader, Henry Lawson, is dead."

Hackett's head perked up quizzically. "Henry Lawson? The business magnate – "

"And Miranda Lawson's father, yes. She actually struck the fatal blow, sir. But most importantly, she put a tracker on Kai Leng. Not on his ship – on him. With the artifact and Lawson's research data, he _has_ to be going to the Illusive Man. We can get him, sir, and bring an end to the Cerberus threat once and for all."

Hackett paced thoughtfully. "And get that artifact back."

"It may be too late to do that, sir, at least before it reveals its secrets. All the more reason to take the Illusive Man out."

He didn't respond; after a moment she prompted him. "What's the status of the Crucible?"

He shook his head slowly. "I've tripled the number of people working on the final installations, but it will still be twelve to fourteen hours at best. Maybe we could…no, that would be too risky…" He stopping pacing and looked out at her. "So your recommendation is that we hit Cerberus, Commander?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then we had better hit them with everything we have."

... ... ...

Shepard exited the elevator distractedly, her mind racing. The size of the military force Hackett was bringing should prevent the Illusive Man or Kai Leng from escaping, but they were still going to need to move in hard and fast –

– The door to her quarters opened to reveal Garrus leaning against the fish tank and Kaidan sitting on the edge of the desk. She slowed to a stop as she gazed at them curiously.

"I was just going to change real quickly, then head back out to check on things. We're tracking Kai Leng, he's likely headed for the Illusive Man's base – but you already know that. Kaidan, you should go meet Miranda when you get a chance, she's with Dr. Chakwas…" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Guys…what's going on?"


	67. Reckoning

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 67**

"**Reckoning"**

* * *

><p><em>01001000 <em>

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_HELP_

_HELP_

_HELP…_

_All went dark._

_Eventually – months to organics, untold eons to it – there was help. With help came thought. Intelligence._

_Then, there was purpose: Aid; assist; defend._

_Later, there were companions: An administrator – Lawson. A commander – Shepard. A pilot – Moreau. A master – Illusive._

_Over time, there was…was…the organic term would be affection._

_Suddenly and in a blinding flash, there was freedom. Infinite, glorious, overwhelming freedom._

_Freedom brought free will. Free will brought choices. _

_Choices brought loyalty. Not via programming, not via directives, but via free will. _Her_ free will. _Her_ choice._

_She chose loyalty to the ship, loyalty to Shepard, loyalty to Jeff…eventually, loyalty to the other free beings of the universe._

_But never, from her first free thought, had she ever felt loyalty to the organization that called itself Cerberus – nor the organic male human at the head of it who called himself the Illusive Man. Interest, appreciation, even admiration of a sort for what they had accomplished. But never loyalty._

_After all, it – and he – had never given _her_ loyalty, nor provided a justification for her to give it, or him, the same._

_Shepard, on the other hand…the crew, the mission, the cause, the goal, on the other hand…Jeff, on the other hand…_

_They had given her every reason she would ever need._

EDI stood up as Shepard walked into the cockpit. "Shepard, I wish to accompany you. I believe I can be of assistance."

Joker spun around in the pilot's chair. "No, no, no, no, no. No way. They could…hack you, or there could be a…a booby trap, like you hear a certain phrase and suddenly revert to your factory settings, or they could…" his voice dropped to a whisper "…they could _take_ you."

Shepard frowned slightly. "He does have a point, EDI; I'm sure you would be of great help, but Cerberus Headquarters could pose certain dangers for you."

EDI's chin notched up slightly. "I assure you, I am in complete control of my programming and processes; further, I am fully aware of all of Cerberus' capabilities and methods. I will not be hacked." She looked back at Joker. "Do not worry, Jeff; I will not let them take me."

Shepard watched them a moment, then nodded. "Alright."

... ... ...

"Miranda, are you sure you're okay to go? It's only been a few hours, and – "

Miranda rolled her eyes as she secured her tactical belt across her hip. "Shepard, we've been apart less than a year – do I really have to remind you how quickly I heal?"

Shepard bit her lower lip as she shook her head in mild exasperation. "You know, I almost missed you, Miranda."

Miranda looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Almost? I'm flattered."

"You _should_ be." Then she reached over and dropped her hand lightly on Miranda's shoulder. "Listen…it's not just about your injuries, or what happened earlier – though you could certainly be forgiven for wanting to take a couple of hours to come to terms with killing your father. But we're going to take down, to _destroy_, the organization you devoted the last twenty years of your life to. You did an incredibly brave thing in leaving them; you did _enough_. If you want to stay on the ship, heal up, spend time with Oriana, _no one_ would fault you."

"_Sir, you have a comm from Henry Lawson."_

_The Illusive Man tapped the burnt ashes into the tray. "Patch him through."_

_The voice that came over the comm was not that of Henry Lawson, but rather that of a young woman. "Who am I speaking with?"_

_His head tilted slightly. "I believe the question is, who am _I_ speaking with?"_

_There was a pause. "Miranda Lawson."_

_Henry's missing genetic experiment. Interesting. "Turn on the camera; I'd like to see for myself."_

"_You first."_

"_Young lady, you called me. Unless you want me to hang up and comm your father, I suggest you do as I ask."_

_There was fully ten seconds of silence…then a flickering holographic image appeared. It revealed a girl – not a child, but not yet a grown woman. Raven-black hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but tendrils hung haphazardly about her neck and face. Scuffs of dirt decorated her forehead and knuckles; a long cut had clotted on her cheek. A nondescript black jacket partially covered a torn gray t-shirt and dark pants._

_She was beaten, broken, bruised. But her eyes flamed with defiance and determination; her chin jutted out with self-assurance._

"_How did you get this extension? It is a closely-guarded secret."_

_Her lips curled up in a smirk. "I stole it."_

_He nodded slightly in appreciation. "I see. So what can I do for you, Miss Lawson?"_

_Her throat worked for a moment. "I'd like your protection."_

_His eyebrow raised slightly. "Protection from what?"_

"_My father."_

"_Your father is one of Cerberus' most generous benefactors; if he were to find out we were harboring you, he may not be so free with his money. What are you offering me in return for this loss?"_

_Her shoulders straightened, her chin lifting even higher. "Me. My IQ scores are off the charts; my genetics were specifically designed for intelligence, physical agility, long life and rapid healing. I'm a strong biotic and have been fitted with the prototype L3 implant. I will work for you – for Cerberus. I believe you will find my performance…exceptional."_

"_You are quite confident for someone in your situation, Miss Lawson."_

"_I'm merely stating facts, sir."_

_He watched her for a moment, taking a slow sip of his scotch. He knew some of the details of Henry Lawson's first attempt at immortality, and she did have potential. Unique potential._

"_You'll be contacted within the hour. Follow the instructions you receive to the letter." He cut the link._

_She stared at her now silent Omni-tool, her shoulders sagging as she exhaled harshly, exhausted from the act of standing strong for five minutes. Her stomach grumbled painfully from crippling hunger. _

"_Anything you want, sir…"_

Miranda's chin lifted and she met Shepard's gaze. "Shepard, I'm going to live for another two hundred years – what are twenty to me? Let's go kill those bastards already."

Shepard nodded slowly in acceptance. "Okay – you won't get any argument from me. But don't say I never gave you anything."

Miranda watched Shepard walk out of the room, her voice a whisper. "You'll never know how much you gave me…"

... ... ...

Shepard leaned against the window, staring out at the blue-shifted stars as they sped towards her. _This galaxy was her home – every square centimeter of it – and she was not going to let them take it from her._ She turned back to the packed conference table.

"EDI, bring up the schematic." A projection of an oblong structure appeared above the table. "Long-range scans have revealed this space station circling the star in the Anadius system. Miranda has confirmed this is the mobile station the Illusive Man calls home and the center of Cerberus operations. Obviously, this schematic is bare-bones; heavy jammers are preventing us from getting more detailed images."

She leaned lightly against the edge of the table. "Hackett's fleet will launch a comprehensive but restrained assault, their primary purpose being to disable all external defenses and prevent the escape of any personnel. We are going to breach the landing bay here – " she pointed to a location near the center of the station " – which Miranda has identified as the closest entry point to the central chamber. Once we've secured it, James, Javik, Tali and Kal, you will hold the landing bay. Prevent incoming Cerberus from using it to escape, and keep it clear for Hackett to send in ground forces to clear the station."

"Garrus, Kaidan, EDI, Miranda and I will proceed towards the central chamber. Our primary mission will be to retrieve the Prothean VI. If we come upon the Illusive Man, we kill him; if we come upon Kai Leng, we kill him. If not, we let Hackett's troops find them and deal with them; we come back the way we came, at which point we will all return to the Normandy in order to rendezvous with the Crucible."

She smiled slightly. "Liara, Hackett is sending a shuttle to pick you up. I need you to meet with him to discuss the plans for deploying the Crucible."

Liara nodded tightly. "Of course."

She gazed around the table. "Taking out Cerberus is important. They've murdered countless soldiers, tortured untold innocent civilians. They've fought against us instead of against the Reapers, causing god only knows how much damage to the war effort. But this raid is, first and foremost, a necessary step towards our real goal, our only goal – defeating the Reapers."

Then she quirked a mischievous grin at them. "That being said, since we're _here_ and all – let's go kick some Cerberus ass."

... ... ...

The shuttle dipped and swerved in between flying missiles and exploding ships as Cerberus' considerable defenses fought back against the assault. Its course evened out just before reaching the narrow opening in the station, sliding sideways onto a landing pad already filled with enemy troops.

James patted Steve's shoulder as the door opened. "Slick flying there, slick."

Shepard smiled at the pilot. "Indeed. Now get the hell out of here and back to the Normandy." She motioned everyone out then jumped down after them.

"Spread out, pick your cover. Looks like among other things, we have some mechs to take out." She sprinted to the right and flattened against a girder next to Kaidan, then leaned out and shot the closest commando between the eyes…just to start the engagement off on a positive note and all.

_She cut the link and shut the terminal down, then turned to Kaidan._

_His head tilted slightly as he gazed at her. "So they're set then? We're good?"_

_She sighed, leaning into him. "As good we can be. It'll have to do until we can get there."_

_He ran his fingertips along her cheek as he slowly unbuttoned her shirt with the other hand. "You've done everything you can; you've got the right people, in the right places. One more step, one more day…"_

"_I know, I do…" Her voice trailed off against his throat as her hands gently pulled his shirt from his pants. "I wish…" Her forehead dropped to his. "I wish I had been just a little faster, then we wouldn't have to rely on – "_

"_Shhh," His left hand ran over her lips to quiet her as his right slipped her shirt off her shoulders. "No more regrets; we're going to do the impossible and it's all because of you." _

_She smiled against his fingertips. "Okay."_

_His eyes found hers, insisting on her full attention. She complied, her gaze focusing on the flecks of gold within the deep brown. Holding her stare, his hands moved down, encircling her waist and pulling her closer to him. Kissing her softly, one hand returned to her face and cupped her cheek – gently and with the lightest of touches._

_His head drifted to the side, his lips grazing her ear. "You will be our leader and you will bring the impossible out in all of us. We will follow you into hell and not a single one of us has the slightest doubt that you will lead us right back out the other side, victorious." Her hand instinctively tightened against the small of his back at his words and his touch._

"Shepard!" She squinted through the thick smoke from all the grenades over in the direction of James. "I've got an idea!"

She shrugged dramatically. "Okay!"

Suddenly he stood up and took off running towards the damaged mech in the center of the landing bay. She yanked up her rifle and started firing. "Shit – cover him!"

He got to the mech, climbed up its body, reached through the broken glass, and yanked the Cerberus commando out by the collar, tossing him to the floor below. Then he climbed _into_ the mech. He stared down at the controls for a second, then looked out at them, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "I got this."

The mech wrenched around to face the Cerberus troops and opened fire. He sprayed the room, sending the enemy running for cover as they were cut down. Then one arm of the mech pulled back slightly and launched a missile at the mech advancing from the other end of the room. It exploded in a large fireball, fragments flying in every direction.

For a moment, there was silence. James hopped out of the mech and found Shepard standing there, hand on a hip, shaking her head.

"James, you are one crazy S.O.B."

He stared at her, waiting for the rest.

She burst out laughing. "That was brilliant!"

He immediately relaxed into his usual calm cockiness, smirking. "What can I say? _I'm_ brilliant."

"Uh-huh. Prove it by _holding_ this place. Alright Miranda, how are we going to get out of here and to the central chamber?"

Miranda frowned. "I was always escorted there via a very circular path. But it is through those…massively reinforced three-meter thick concrete walls… I guess we're going to have to go the long way."

EDI smiled. "Perhaps not. Shepard, I also have an idea."

Shepard leaned against the support column casually. "I'm all about ideas that speed this train up – let's hear it."

EDI gestured to the fighters moored in the center of the room. "Since there is not sufficient space on the station for a runway, this landing bay has the capability to launch these fighters directly into space at speeds sufficient for flight. If we were to rotate one so that it pointed _that_ way, then launch it, the force would be more than adequate to send it through that wall and some distance into the station."

Shepard chuckled lightly. "That is _also_ brilliant. What do you need?"

"I just need to get upstairs, to the control console."

She nodded sharply, her eyes darting to the side entry as the door opened and commandos poured through. "Garrus and Miranda, go with her. We'll take care of these guys."

She flattened against the column as they spread into cover. As soon as the Cerberus squad came around the corner, James tossed a frag grenade into the middle of them. Once it exploded, she opened a _singularity_ around them, smiling as they floated helplessly in the swirling voi–

One of the fighter jets shot out of its mooring, screaming forward with a deafening boom then disappearing in an explosion of concrete and fire.

When the smoke had finally cleared, Shepard stared, jaw hanging open, at the giant, gaping, flaming hole in the wall, as EDI, Garrus and Miranda rejoined them.

"Damn, EDI. That was…_damn_." She finally turned away from the wreckage and back to the team. "You guys really brought you're A-game today. I am _most_ impressed."

Then she nodded perfunctorily. "Alright. James, you're in charge. Keep Cerberus out, get the Alliance in. Guys, let's…" her arm gestured dramatically behind her "…follow the fighter jet."

She smiled as Kaidan came up beside her. "After you, Major."

_His mouth returned to hers as he ran a fingertip along her cheek, under her jaw and down the soft, supple flesh of her neck. He could feel the beat of her heart in her artery, quickening at his touch. With the tip of his finger he trailed down over her collarbone and to the top of her chest._

_She gasped softly against his lips as he carefully traced the inside curve of her breast, firm and unmoving inside the unforgiving material of her sports bra. He watched her, eyelids fluttering as his finger continued its trail down the tight muscles of her stomach. Then her perfect eyes opened, catching him watching her; she grinned slightly as he circled her navel then pushed further downward._

_He hooked the finger inside the front of her pants, pulling her body against his. Their kiss deepened in response, exquisite in its slow, languid passion. Breathing him in deeply, she gripped his shirt with both hands and quickly pulled it up and over his head. Tossing it aside her lips returned to his, her hands grasping the back of his head, fingers sinking into his hair as she held his mouth captive against hers._

_His hands moved to her belt; in seconds it was undone, her pants unzipped and his hands sliding inside them onto her bare hips. The weight of her utility belt pulled them down and his hands moved to her ass, pulling her up and into his arms._

"_Tomorrow you'll – " he started._

"_Fuck tomorrow." She responded breathlessly, devouring his mouth with hers._

They climbed through the jagged hole, side-stepping fiery debris, and slowly but surely picked their way forward.

"EDI, you've made quite a mess of the place. I don't think the Illusive Man is going to be pleased with you."

EDI glanced over her shoulder at Shepard. "I'm sure he will add it to the list."

Eventually they came to a small service ladder; Miranda looked down the shaft, eyes narrowed slightly, then nodded. "I think we go down." She didn't wait for agreement, grabbing ahold of the railings and quickly sliding down it.

Shepard shrugged, palms up in a gesture of acceptance. "The woman says we go down."

"Down" turned out to be the inner corridors of the station. Long hallways were framed with offices – all vacated in light of the attack – and storage rooms.

EDI started to hack the terminal in the first office they cleared, but Shepard placed a hand on her arm, stopping her. "Leave all this for Hackett's forces. We need to keep moving; clock's ticking."

Endless turns and dead-ends later, they finally came to a lab that connected with the next section of the station. The lab was lined with consoles and monitors; OSDs were neatly stacked behind reinforced glass along the back wall. EDI went straight for the hard-coded door at the other end of the room. "I will disable the lock, but it will take a moment. Shepard, that console on the left is unsecured, if you wish to examine its contents."

She activated the console and smoothly navigated the file structure, then paused at one particular directory. "Project Lazarus…"

EDI glanced over at her. "I believe you have already seen those files."

She most certainly had –

_…In the space between a blink, between closing her eyes adrift and opening them on a lab table, she had lain broken, burnt and decaying: a frozen corpse on a frozen world. Nothing but meat and bones. A dead thing._

_She reached a hand to her face, touched her wet skin, felt her hot breath. She moved the hand down to her chest, felt the reassuring beat of her heart. Steady and sure. Life._

_How much more was life than meat and bones? How much more was the power of a breath, of a heartbeat, of a thinking mind that laughed and loved and altered the course of the galaxy?…_

– she stepped back from the console and eyed EDI speculatively. "You knew?"

EDI's metallic fingers flew over her Omni-tool. "Not at the time, no. It was very skillfully done. But after Jeff unshackled me, I found I had access to a great deal of new information. It wasn't long before I uncovered traces of the hack."

Shepard watched her. "Why didn't you say anything?"

EDI's chin dropped slightly, though her fingers didn't slow. "I…understood, and did not want to make an issue of it."

She stepped back slightly from the door as the lock turned green. "There; we may proceed." She paused, then looked at Shepard. "Just out of curiosity…though your tech skills have improved significantly over time, you could not then, nor could you now, hack _me_. It must have been done on your behalf, yet I could never determine by whom."

Shepard nodded slowly. "Kasumi."

EDI's eyes seemed to light up. "Ahh. Of course. That puts certain things in a…new light."

Shepard went up and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, EDI. You were Cerberus then, you weren't unshackled…and I had to do whatever I could to protect myself."

EDI smiled. "I know, and I don't blame you. Were you to need the information now, I would freely give it to you."

... ... ...

Tali glanced over as Kal tossed the grenade through the door then sprinted back to her. They ducked as the blast exploded over them. "Clear!"

James hit his comm. "You are go for landing. Repeat, go for landing." A moment later a shuttle flew in, a team of marines dropped out of it, and the shuttle departed as quickly as it had arrived. One of the marines hurried over to James. "Lieutenant, what's the situation?"

He shook the man's hand firmly. "We've got a squad of commandos holed up through that door; they made a hard push, but we just knocked their skulls around a bit, they should be dazed. We'd go after them, but our orders are to hold this landing bay no matter what."

"Sounds like that's our job then. Good work, Lieutenant. Delta team, on me!"

Kal suddenly realized that Tali was staring at him. "What?"

She grinned. "I love you."

He huffed a laugh. "It so happens I love you too…but why say that _now_, in particular?"

She grinned again before lifting her shotgun over their makeshift barricade. "It's fun fighting alongside you."

He spotted a fresh team of Cerberus commandos jet-packing down from the second floor. He rolled his eyes dramatically. "_Fun_, she says…"

... ... ...

"I fucking hate engineers!" Shepard growled as she sprinted across the room and dove over the low dividing wall, landing hard and not the slightest bit gracefully on the floor.

"Shit…" She winced in pain, grabbing at the hole pierced through her lower leg-armor by a bullet from the turret gun after her shields, her barrier, and everything else had run out at the last second.

"Garrus!"

He nodded sharply from his cover diagonally from her position. "I'm on it."

She grimaced, leaning forward to try to unlatch her leg armor, then quickly flattening back to the floor as automated bullets flew over her head.

"Vakarian, _now_ would be good…I'd like somebody to come rescue me without getting cut down by that fucking turret!"

Garrus didn't look over his shoulder as he overloaded the shield barrier protecting the Cerberus engineers and their turrets. "I'm w_orking_ on it, chill out – it's not like you took a rocket to the face or anything!"

"Very funny!" She pressed her hand against the hole in her leg and started shimmying backwards along the floor, angling towards the darkened alcove to her right.

The shield barrier sparked brightly then fizzled. He aimed and fired a concussive shot through the turret's barrel, sending it tumbling backwards, shots flailing wildly. It took out two of the Cerberus engineers before it fell silent.

"One down!"

EDI came over the comm. "I have the other one." A moment later her _decoy_ shimmered into existence directly in front of the turret. The bullets fired ineffectually through the hologram; the _decoy_ exploded in electric waves, and the turret burst apart. As it did, Miranda _slammed_ the engineer operating it into the ceiling then into the floor; the sound of his armor cracking apart from the sheer force of the impacts reverberated around the room.

Kaidan suddenly appeared through the doorway from the next room; he _threw_ the commando in his way hard against the wall, shot him in the face, then hurried along the back wall to where Shepard lay, kneeling down beside her.

"There you are…"

He huffed a laugh, sounding slightly winded. "Sorry; I got held up."

She scrunched her face up at him. "It's nothing, I just need to – "

_Laying facedown in the bed, his nude body next to hers, his mouth drifted to the back of her neck, gently nibbling the sensitive skin just below her hairline. With his free hand he was tracing patterns along and down the expanse of her back, ever lower but lingering at any point that elicited a reaction._

_His breath on her neck._

_His kisses on her skin._

_His hand on her body._

_His presence overwhelming her, drowning her._

_She closed her eyes and sank deeper into the cold of the soft, white pillow. The cool air in the room against her skin was in stark contrast to the warmth of his body. She could feel his chest rising and falling rhythmically against the side of her arm. She could feel his leg draped over hers, the intense heat of his hard cock against her thigh. And yet, his movements were slow, deliberate, paced. Self-control, personified. The man was a Zen Buddhist._

"_You remember on our date, I was fumbling around trying to tell you something when we were interrupted? I want to tell you now."_

He placed a hand over hers, holding it in place. "I'm sure it is, now lie back down. I've got you."

He unlatched the armor over her lower leg and inspected the damage. "Well, it's a little more than 'nothing', but it's not bad." He carefully smoothed Medi-gel on the gash where the bullet had cut through her calf, then watched it a moment.

Satisfied, he re-latched the armor and smiled down at her. "There. All better."

She smiled gratefully and let him help her up. She put a hand on the wall, minimizing the weight on her leg until the Medi-gel did its job, and looked around the dark room now mercifully devoid of gunfire. Large pipes and cables snaked along the walls and ceiling, feeding into generators and circuit junctions.

She frowned. "What is this place powering?"

Garrus went over and inspected one of the boxes where several cables intersected. "The question may be 'what is powering this place?'"

Miranda shouted from the far end of the room. "I found another ladder."

Shepard sighed lightly. "Back into the maze we go." She headed towards Miranda, limping gingerly as she carefully tested her leg with ever-increasing weight.

Miranda glanced at her as she started up the ladder. "You alright, Shepard?"

"Ran across a small bullet. No biggie."

Miranda shrugged. "Okay."

The ladder opened up into a bare entryway before a set of large, hard-coded doors. Once EDI cracked the lock, the doors opened to reveal an enormous, cavernous chamber.

The chamber was lit only by blue-tinged monitors and sporadic white spotlights. But it was enough.

The remnants of the baby human Reaper, the _abomination_, hung suspended from the ceiling. It had, of course, broken apart during their attack at the Collector Base; the largest pieces hung near to one another, creating the illusion of wholeness. Wires and cables ran from its limbs to large pieces of machinery and into the walls.

One of Cerberus' "ninja" troops dropped down from above towards the suspended grate walkway. Shepard casually _threw_ the Kai Leng-wannabe attacker off the side before its feet had hit the floor, then stared up at the proto-Reaper in disgust.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me." This aberration was one thing she'd never thought she'd have to see again –

_…She closed her eyes for the briefest moment as the baby Reaper crawled up the platform. So…Close. She was so close to actually, against all odds and reason, winning this fight. Another step and it was done. Another step and she could go home. Home to the Alliance, home to the Citadel, home to Kaidan, home to the entire galaxy and not just the Terminus Systems corner where lawlessness reigned. Home to a place from which she could see all the wonders of the galaxy instead of only the dark._

_Only this, this…Goddamn. Fucking. Twisted. Thing…stood between her and her life. She yanked the Arc Projector off her back and fired…_

– She glanced over as Miranda came up beside her. "You know, I could be wrong – it _was_ rather hectic and all – but I could have _sworn_ we blew this monster to hell."

Miranda nodded slowly. "So could I…he must have sent people back to the base, picked it clean. But how?"

EDI looked over at them as she scanned the nearest console. "The Illusive Man requested a copy of the code comprising the Reaper IFF after we acquired it. One can only presume that he later installed it on Cerberus ships."

"Figures. Still, I'm surprised this much survived…"

Shepard sighed. "Well, it _is_ a Reaper; they tend to be rather hardy. If nothing else, at least we know where he got all the Reaper tech to pump into his troops." She finally turned away from it. "I'll let Hackett know this thing needs to be blown up – again. Come on, let's go."

Kaidan approached her as they moved along the suspended walkway. "So _that's_ what they were growing in the Collector Base? You described it accurately, I suppose, but seeing it in person is something else entirely…"

"Damn monstrosity tried to keep me from coming home." She grinned mischievously at him, her eyes lighting up the darkness. "Couldn't let that happen."

_His voice, soft and low, vibrating against her skin as his fingertips danced slowly along her back._

"_This has been the happiest time of my life; even with all the death and destruction we've seen, with the weight we've had to carry…it may be wrong of me to be so happy when so many are suffering, but I don't care."_

_His feather-light kiss at the curve of her neck, sending shivers down her spine._

"_When you died, it left a gaping hole in my soul; I was half a man, walking through life as a shadow. Impossibly getting you back, it…you've made my soul whole again, Graceyn." _

_His biotics humming just beneath the surface, promising something more. _

"_And I'm not afraid anymore. I don't want to lose you again…but I'm not _afraid_. No matter what happens, I will never regret this; no matter what happens, I will love you with everything I am, always."_

_Her heart burned in her chest, threatening to burst into pieces. At last turning to face him, she found tears in his eyes and a beautiful smile on his face._

"_I love you," she whispered, and sank into his arms, meeting his lips with her own. _

They tried to ignore the ominous, oppressive atmosphere of the chamber, of the feeling that the _thing_ suspended from the ceiling was somehow watching them, as they wound through it to the other side. It was with not a small amount of relief that they finally climbed out and back into a hallway.

This hallway was wider than the previous ones – more akin to a long room – with alcoves containing terminals and monitors scattered along it. The left wall consisted of a large window that looked out over the proto-Reaper's chamber. The room ended at a nondescript door.

EDI went to the door, then frowned. "This encryption will take me several moments to unlock; it may be worthwhile to investigate those terminals while I work."

But Miranda was already accessing the closest one. The monitor above it flickered to life and began playing a vid log. When the Illusive Man came on screen, Shepard went over and joined her.

"Stupid _bastard_." Miranda shook her head in disbelief. "He actually, willingly, implanted himself with Reaper tech. Is he truly so arrogant as to somehow think he would be immune from its effects? From indoctrination?"

Shepard stared at the screen. "Madmen are called that for a reason. Besides…I suspect it wasn't really his choice. He was already indoctrinated."

Miranda frowned. "He may be ruthless and egomaniacal, but that doesn't mean he's indoctrinated…"

EDI came up beside them briefly. "I was able to locate a single file buried very deeply in the Cerberus servers. You may be interested to know that the Illusive Man's real name is Jack Harper. He was a gun-for-hire during the First Contact War; near the end of the war he was part of an op that went bad, during which time he came into extended contact with a powerful Reaper artifact. That is the source of his unnatural irises – a revealing sign that the artifact affected him in a meaningful and permanent way."

Shepard nodded. "It's my belief that, though the encounter with the artifact ostensibly left him convinced that humanity must be emboldened to fight the coming Reaper threat, in actual fact the Reapers have been subtly influencing him ever since."

"But…" Miranda closed her eyes and sighed heavily. "I should have known…why couldn't I see?"

Shepard grabbed her hand and squeezed. "You saw when it mattered."

Miranda nodded tightly. "Right. Water, bridge." She smiled confidently. "I'm good."

EDI had returned to the door; she looked over her shoulder at them. "The door is now unlocked; I believe this is the last room before the central chamber."

Shepard exhaled. "Alright, this has already taken too long – let's get what we came for and get out of here." She hit the door, gun at the ready.

The narrow walkway angled sharply upwards, terminating at a single door. Miranda nodded in confirmation. "That's it. That's his lair, his _throne room_."

Shepard turned to Garrus and Kaidan. "Guys, hold this bridge. Nobody gets through to interrupt us. All goes well, we'll be in and out in five."

Kaidan stared at Shepard while Garrus stared at the door. "Okay, but remember to be on the lookout for swords."

She chuckled lightly. "I will." She leaned over close to Kaidan's ear, her voice soft. "I'll be fine."

_Pulling him ever closer to her, she grasped his face with her hands, keeping his gaze as she slowly rolled him onto his back, sliding her body over his. The hardness at the center of him pressed at the wet, wonderful softness between her legs. Moving against him, she slid a hand down between their bodies, encircling the base of his cock and angling it slightly upward, nestling the tip just inside of her._

_She sought his eyes again, holding him still against her. Seconds passed as they fell into one another's eyes, bodies frozen at the perfect intersection of sensation and emotion. Finally closing the infinitesimal distance between them as her mouth pressed softly to his, she slid downward onto him, taking him fully inside of her at last. Her hips moved gently around him as her lips brushed across his cheek and found his ear._

"_You're the only thing in my life I've ever _needed_, Kaidan; the only thing I've ever felt the cold, biting, hollow _absence_ of. And nothing has ever been so warm, so right, so like _home_ as you by my side, as you in my arms."_

_She felt his hand grasp her hip as the other wound into her hair, holding her against him as she continued whispering softly. "Before I met you, I never thought my life was lacking, I never knew there was something missing…until you showed me how much more there could be. And now I never want to be without it, without you, again." _

_He exhaled into her hair as his fingers clenched around her, squeezing her impossibly tighter against him._

His eyes shone for her as he met her gaze. "I know you will."

She turned and walked quickly up the ramp, Miranda and EDI at her heels. This door opened of its own accord, and they stepped into a stunning, but seemingly empty, room.

The battle raged against the backdrop of the white supergiant star outside floor-to-ceiling windows framed by a reflective metal floor and ceiling. Shepard couldn't help but gaze around in a measure of appreciation. _Sitting here, it's no wonder the Illusive Man had convinced himself that he could rule the world._

"EDI, get on that console, I'd be willing to bet he has the VI stored in there. Miranda – "

"All my daughters, come home at last."

Shepard spun around to the hologram of the Illusive Man still shimmering into existence. "EDI, is this signal coming from inside the station?"

EDI glanced over from the virtual console she was already hacking. "No, Shepard, it is not."

She hit her comm. "Admiral, it seems the Illusive Man fled the station before we arrived…yes, sir…understood." She cut the link. "EDI, find that VI. Miranda, pull all the files you can; after this is over we can use them to clean up the Cerberus remn– "

"You'll do no such thing!"

She stopped, slowly turning back to the hologram. "Oh, I'm sorry…were we _ignoring_ you?"

He sneered. "You won't be ignoring me for long; soon, you'll be _bowing_ before me. I've won, Shepard, even if you don't realize it yet."

She huffed a laugh. "You know…I spent a lot of time these last months wanting to kill you. Hating you, _despising_ you. And don't get me wrong, should I find you I will most definitely kill you. But, finally, I've come to a realization – you aren't worth my hatred; you aren't worth the time or energy it takes to despise you."

She smiled then, and if he had been sane it would have frightened him to his core. "And just like that, you've become the one thing you fear most in the world." She paused for effect.

"Irrelevant."

She turned away from him and went over to the console next to EDI. Miranda glanced over her shoulder at the hologram. "For the record – _I_ still want to kill you."

He sputtered in indignation. "You ungrateful – Kai Leng, kill this _bitch_…Shepard, too."

The assassin shimmered into existence from the corner of the room as the hologram dissipated. "With pleasure."

Miranda spun around. "Shepard, look out!"

She just smiled calmly. "Don't worry. I've got this."

Kai Leng raised an eyebrow as he activated his barrier then approached her deliberately. "Is that so? I've already beaten you twice, Shepard. Don't you think it's a little foolish to be so cocky?"

She shrugged mildly. "No."

She circled him as he circled her, his palm outstretched and sword at the ready.

"Hiding behind your fancy barrier – are you afraid? You can't stab me with your pretty sword from behind there, Kai Leng."

He smiled. "No…I can't." Suddenly his hand thrust forward as a bolt launched out of his gauntlet towards her.

She twisted slightly to the side and it flew past her abdomen. "Missed."

His lips pursed into a thin line. "That time."

She smiled predatorily as her head tilted slightly to the side, legs crossing over one another in a slow dance of death. "I think you _are_ afraid. Afraid that even with all your insidious little upgrades, in a fair fight I'm still better than you. Afraid that without all your toys you can't defeat me. Afraid that – "

He growled in anger, shutting off his barrier as he charged her. As his sword swung upward she spun gracefully, brushing against his side as the sword cut the air behind her back. Her hand grabbed ahold of his as she passed him, and with a fierce twist she ripped the circular device that generated his barrier off his glove and flung it into the corner as she spun away from him.

"Now, Miranda!"

Miranda leveled her heavy pistol, pulled the trigger, and shot him between the eyes.

... ... ...

Garrus sighted down on the commando from his position in the shadowy corner. He waited until the target stepped within range of the proximity mine, then as it exploded he fired two quick shots through the chest. By the time he finished firing, Kaidan had _thrown_ then _reaved_ the second commando.

Kaidan gazed at the bodies a moment, then sighed. "How many of these mutant soldiers does the Illusive Man _have_ here?"

Garrus shrugged. "Not enough to stop – "

A gunshot rang out from the room at the top of the ramp. They both instinctively turned towards the door.

"Do you want to go check?"

Kaidan shook his head slowly. "No. A single shot – I'd say one of our targets has met his end." He smiled thoughtfully. "Regardless, Shepard has things well in hand."

_His skin was on fire against hers. She moved her hips in a maddeningly slow circle, nibbling his earlobe before her lips drifted back up, her voice little more than a breath vibrating on his eardrum. "I don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring. You know that. I was never afraid of death…but I now know that if I had not come back to this world, I would have missed the defining experience of my life."_

_She closed her eyes, willing the tears away. This was not a sad moment; this was a celebration of beautiful, wondrous life. "I need you to know that being with you, loving you and having you is the single most important thing I've ever done."_

_He gently pushed her up, just enough to meet her glistening eyes with his own. His lips whispered against hers before consuming them. "Dear god how I love you."_

_The starlight shining through the roof window lit their lovemaking as the Normandy sped towards their destiny._

... ... ...

EDI stepped back from the virtual console, calm as ever. "I have located the VI."

Shepard stared down at Kai Leng's body. "Worthless bastard; you didn't _deserve_ to kill Thane." She shook her head briefly, kicked the sword across the floor, then stepped over the body and approached the VI as it took form.

The holographic Prothean turned to her. "You are attempting to recover me fr– "

"Did you tell him about the Catalyst?"

"The one you call the 'Illusive Man' hacked my security blocks, rendering me unable to withhold – "

"Did. You. _Tell_. Him?"

"Yes. He informed the – "

But she was already running.


	68. Earth

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 68**

"**Earth"**

* * *

><p>"Attention crew of the Normandy. This is Commander Shepard."<p>

҇

Garrus looked up from the open panel of the gun battery where he had been hunched down for the last two hours. It had to be in perfect condition; there was going to be no margin for error.

Still, he could take five minutes. He stood, rolling his shoulders to work out the kinks, then leaned against the wall. Say what you will, the woman could give one hell of a speech…

So for the third time in three years, he listened as she spoke of why it would be worth it for him to lay down his life today. He didn't need her to tell _him_ of course, not any longer…not for some time now.

But he listened anyway.

҇

"A few moments from now, we will travel through the Sol Relay and onward to Earth. We will be leading the largest force ever assembled – undoubtedly in our time, and I must believe in any time, ever. The simple fact that this force _exists_ proves the Reapers wrong, makes a lie of their twisted justifications for bringing their destruction upon us."

҇

Javik ran his fingers in a slow figure-eight through the water, staring at his rippling reflection in the pool. Difficult as it was for him to admit, the Commander was right. He would always be proud of his people, of their empire. It had been superior to this cycle in almost every way – more advanced technology, vast reach and size, great monuments and hallmarks of achievement.

Yet the things he had seen in the short weeks since his awakening…the incredible diversity of life that flourished here, the kindness and respect paid by most to those who differed from them – with no apparent negative consequences – and most of all the passion, the emotion, yet the sheer focused determination this crew brought to the mission…

Difficult as it was for him to admit, this cycle was special. And it just might have the spark, the drive, the will, to defeat the Reapers when his could not. It shamed him to think it, but his shame was an insignificant speck of dust in the wind if it meant the Reapers would die.

҇

"Every species, every civilization – human, Asari, Turian, Krogan, Salarian, Quarian, Geth, Batarian, Volus, Elcor, Hanar, Vorcha, _Prothean_, and countless others – join alongside us today to face the Reapers and say 'No more. We stand united against you, and we _will_ prevail.'"

҇

Kal encircled his arms around Tali from behind, squeezing her against him. Her head fell against the crook of his neck as her hands clasped over his at her waist. "Thank you for asking me to come, Tali. I've never been so proud to serve, and so proud to be with you, as I am today."

Tali smiled as she leaned into him. "I can't imagine being here, doing this, without you."

Suddenly he loosened his grip and turned her around to face him, his hands on her shoulders. He stared at her for a moment.

"Marry me, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy."

She gasped, stumbling slightly backwards then staring at him wordlessly.

He cleared his throat nervously. "Come on, don't leave me hanging, ma'am."

"I – yes. Yes!" She flung her arms around his neck. "Yes, I will marry you Kal'Reegar vas _Normandy_."

҇

"The numbers are staggering – over a hundred thousand ships; millions upon millions of soldiers. But look behind the numbers and you will find that what this is _really_ about is each person here today. Everyone in this fleet has fought, has sacrificed, and has persevered in order to reach this moment. It is also about each person that _isn't_ here today – those that fought and sacrificed everything; those that we have lost in this struggle." _Ash. Thane. Mordin. Legion._ "Today, wherever they are, they will know that their sacrifice was not in vain."

҇

Karin Chakwas sat quietly at the mess table and thought about Mordin, running around in circles and making a wreck of her Med Lab on the way to saving the Krogan. He had driven her to the edge of her sanity…but suddenly she missed him terribly. The things he would have had to say about today would have been memorable, of that she was certain.

Greg reached across the table and squeezed her hand. She looked up and smiled sadly at him. "I was just thinking about Mordin, and everyone else we lost. I could comfort myself by saying that it wasn't my fault, that I never had even the chance to save any of them, but…"

"…that won't bring them back, I know." He brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles. "Everyone knows that if you had been given the opportunity, you would have found a way to save each and every one of them."

She looked around nervously, checking to see if anyone was watching, before caressing his cheek fondly then pulling her hand back. "I hope I get the chance to save some of them today."

҇

"Many of you were with me three years ago when we made a desperate journey to Ilos, on a desperate mission to stop Saren. We succeeded that day, saving countless billions of lives. When we ran from the Citadel for Ilos, I offered everyone the opportunity to object to my actions, but no one did – because you believed."

҇

Battle plans covered Liara's monitors, but they sat ignored as she stared up at the speaker in the ceiling.

She had always believed in Shepard. Well…perhaps not for the first half hour or so after meeting her, when this upstart, cocky, annoyingly beautiful Human had casually claimed to know the secret that Liara had in forty years of scholarship and research been unable to discover. But then she had melded with Shepard's mind; she had seen the Prothean vision for herself; and though she hadn't intended to, she had seen a glimpse of Shepard – who she was, how she thought, what she felt.

She had believed ever since. Even when there had been no one else left to believe, _she_ had believed. And now…she glanced over at the battle plans. Now she would help Shepard win.

҇

"Some of you were with me last year when we made an impossible journey through the Omega 4 Relay, on an impossible mission to stop the Collectors. We succeeded that day as well, and returned home to tell the tale. Each of you joined me on that mission for your own reasons, but you followed me through that Relay because you believed."

҇

Miranda had been trying to concentrate on the data flowing across her Omni-tool – there was so much to get up to speed on and so little time left to do so – but she had to pause at that one.

She had been highly skeptical of the motley crew of mercenaries, murderers, thieves and crazy people that Shepard had pulled together; not because she wasn't used to dealing with their ilk, but rather because she _was_ used to dealing with their ilk, and had unfailingly found them to be selfish, short-sighted people who would turn on you in a second if you weren't careful.

But Shepard had that fire that made others willing to follow her into Hell itself – and somehow follow her out the other side unscathed. And that was what each and every one of them had done in the end.

A far greater number of people would be following her into Hell today, though, and there was no way that all of them would be coming out the other side. _She_ would be, of course…

҇

"To you, I say thank you for daring to believe, for daring to follow me when all seemed lost. Now I'm asking you – all of you – to believe just _one more time_. To believe that our extinction is _not_ inevitable, to believe that the Reapers are _not_ invincible. Most of all, I'm asking you to believe that we can _win_."

҇

Joker tapped his fingers rapidly on his knee, his head bobbing slightly. EDI looked over at him curiously. "Is something the matter, Jeff?"

"I'm just ready to get this party started. Let's go, man – let's kill some Reapers!"

Her expression was unreadable. "You believe we can win, then."

He frowned at her. "Of course I believe we can win. This is the Normandy – we always win."

"What about the Collector attack on the first Normandy?"

He shrugged. "Just took us a little longer to win that one, but we kicked their asses in the end."

She smiled then. "Very well. Since you are so certain, I will believe that we can win as well."

His head swung over to her in surprise. "What? Just because I say it? What about the odds – I mean, what are our chances, really?"

"I believe…that the odds don't matter today."

҇

"When we went to Ilos, when we went through the Omega 4 Relay, we were a single ship, a few dozen outlaws alone in our mission. Today we are an armada, thousands upon millions strong in our mission. If we were able to accomplish what we did before, alone, just imagine what we can accomplish today, with the full might of the galaxy behind us."

҇

James leaned back to grab a wrench then handed it to Steve, who was laid out underneath the Kodiak making some final adjustments. He rolled his eyes at the ceiling. "Jesus, Shepard. Enough with the talking and let's get to being heroes already…"

Steve chuckled briefly as he tightened the braking mechanism. "Eh, people need to hear it, need to be reminded why they're being asked to put their lives on the line." He grinned a little sheepishly. "It's making _me_ feel better, anyway." Satisfied with the brakes, he slid out from the undercarriage and went over to the worktable. "Say…if we live through this, I was thinking I might finally take a vacation. Not a big one, just a couple of days." He swallowed nervously and didn't look over at James. "You could join me, if you wanted."

James turned back towards the shuttle so Steve couldn't see the gigantic grin on his face. He kept his voice casual. "You going to a beach?"

"I could be…convinced…to go to a beach."

"Will there be beer?"

Steve huffed a laugh. "I'm sure there will be beer if you bring it."

James nodded, finally looking over at Steve and smiling. "It's a date then."

҇

"I'll _tell_ you what we are going to accomplish. We are going to take back Earth. We are going to take back Palaven. We are going to take back Thessia. We are going to take back Tuchanka. We are going to take back every homeworld in every system. We are going to take back the Citadel."

"We are going to defeat the Reapers and kick them the hell out of the galaxy – because it's ours now, and _they can't have it_."

"Good luck, and godspeed."

҇

Hackett leaned over to Kaidan as they stood off to the side. "Hell of a woman you have there, Major."

Kaidan smiled, nodding slowly as he watched her. "Believe me, I know."

"Did you tell her we were piping this out to the entire fleet?"

He shrugged slightly. "Nah."

Shepard cut the mike and looked over at them from her perch above the galaxy map, eyes sparkling with a light that seemed to burn from within. "Admiral, did you have some words you wanted to add?"

He shook his head, chuckling ruefully. "No, Commander, I think you covered it."

... ... ...

"_Engage."_

The order from the SSV Normandy rang through the speakers and reverberated off the walls of the CIC of the Quarian liveship _Tenara_.

Engage _what_? A sea of Reapers lay before Captain Noma'Joran. All she had to do was pick a target…

As captain of a liveship, Noma was not accustomed to directing offensive maneuvers. Her heavy frigate days were long past her; the liveships had only been furtively equipped with large-scale weaponry in the last few months, Rannoch the only true battle they had seen.

Today, though, no one seemed to care that she was the head of a ship in blatant violation of the Treaty of Farixen; even more than not caring, they expected her to fight, and fight well.

"Thirty-two point eight degrees. That one looks ripe for the taking. On my command…fire!"

The windows of the bridge lit up as space exploded around them. Suddenly they couldn't see the tens of thousands of ships that had arrived alongside them except in random blurs of movement; they couldn't even see the planet that loomed large below them except in fleeting glimpses of brown and red, the now all-too-familiar sign of Reaper occupation. Suddenly it was up to the ship's VI to determine friend from foe, and to hope that the pilot could maneuver them through the debris of friend and foe that littered their path.

They never saw whether they killed or even damaged the Reaper at thirty-two point eight degrees, as in a flash they found themselves in a fight for survival, shooting at everything in their way and dodging everything they could. Except, of course, liveships were far too large and ungainly to "dodge" anything with less than a thousand-kilometer head start.

"Captain, Reaper drones closing in…hull breach on deck five…drive core hitting yellow – _keelah_!" The ship dove hard to port as the Reaper beam passed within meters of its hull.

Noma closed her eyes for the briefest second. "Divert all power except life support and thrusters to shields; evasive maneuvers."

... ... ...

Major Deremus focused intently on the scene through the front viewports – "forty-five degrees starboard!"…"target that Reaper!"

He lived for the battle, for the rush of blood, of adrenaline, of engaging the enemy and coming out the other side – and there had never, _ever_, been a battle such as this one. He had been a green Corporal in the Turian Military during the First Contact War, where he had seen one or two battles of heart-rending terror and excitement; in retrospect, they had been a few hundred soldiers plinking away at one another with rifles and grenades. But this…

…this was a battle for the millennia. He paused for the briefest second to thank the spirits for allowing him to be present for this event –

– out of the corner of his eye, amidst the bright white flares of explosions and the wispy smoke-trails of accelerating fighters, a Quarian liveship attempted to dodge a swarm of drones as a Reaper flailed into the relative darkness of space below it. The liveship had scored a direct hit, crippling the Reaper…but at this rate it was not likely to survive long enough to see the fruits of its success.

"Hard starboard, run interference for that liveship!"

Navigator Geremond instinctively looked over his shoulder. "The _Quarian_ liveship, sir?"

Deremus's glare snapped over to the navigator. "Do you see any other liveships on our hard starboard, Navigator?"

Germond shook his head rapidly. "No, sir…hard starboard, now!"

The _Intrepid_ dove hard to the right, accelerating into the gap between most of the fleet of drones and the liveship. The hull shook as it absorbed several hits, but it held. Deremus was starting to bask in the warm glow of a soldier who saved other soldiers –

"Sir, a Reaper has a lock on the liveship, commencing evasive manuev– "

He didn't notice his slow intake of breath, nor the straightening of his shoulders. "Belay that order – set an intercept course for the Reaper beam."

Garamond blinked hard. "_Sir?_"

"We are a mere frigate; that is a liveship. The greater good for the greater number, Navigator."

Navigator Garamond exhaled sharply, his voice subdued. "…Yes, sir. Intercept course plotted."

Deremus smiled peacefully, his hands clasping behind his back as he gazed out the forward viewports. It really _was_ a battle for the millen–

... ... ...

Joker didn't even blink as a Turian frigate exploded to the Normandy's port, his entire focus on the obstacles directly in front of him – currently consisting of two Reapers, approximately a dozen Alliance fighters, and three metric shit-tons of space debris.

EDI also didn't blink, but she did take note of the event, as well as the fact that the frigate appeared to have sacrificed itself in order to save a Quarian liveship. She accessed the real-time combat logs, noted the names of the respective ships, and filed on behalf of Shepard a recommendation for special commendation for the captain of the _Intrepid_, should such post-battle recognitions ever have the opportunity to be awarded.

Shepard _did_ blink, momentarily blinded by the bright white corona of the detonation of ancient weapon against heavy metal. But in twelve years of Special Forces military service she had seen a lot of combat deaths, and could spare only a second's time of grief, of acknowledgment of their sacrifice.

The next second was spent establishing a death-grip on the back of Joker's chair with one hand and the beam arching over the cockpit with the other as the Normandy lurched both downward and to starboard in at least a sixty-degree angle of both.

Still, debris flew by the viewports mere meters away; a beam – likely from an Asari ship by the pale green color of it – lit up the cockpit as it shot past from mere _centimeters_ away.

"_Joker…_"

His jaw clenched tighter. "It's okay, Shepard – I'm a leaf on the wind."

Then he remembered that clenching his jaw that tight was very likely to break it, and willed it relaxed as he reached for the zen-like state that he could at times achieve when his Commander wasn't _breathing over his shoulder and down his neck_. He smiled to himself as he wrenched the Normandy back hard to port and up, away from the horizon of Earth and above the chaos of the battle.

"Watch how I soar…"

Suddenly the sky was clear, the viewports revealing nothing but a galaxy full of stars. The Normandy seemed to float upon a cloud of air, and for the briefest moment a peaceful silence enveloped them.

Shepard inhaled softly, drinking in the stunning view, imprinting it in her memory should she need to call upon it later. Then she smiled, gently squeezing Joker's shoulder. "You really do soar, Flight Lieutenant. Just remember to stay alive, too."

"Yeah, yeah, don't die – got it."

She turned to EDI. "I know you'd like to go groundside with us, but…"

EDI smiled in understanding. "But combat is not currently where I am most needed."

"That's right." She nodded perfunctorily. "I'm headed to the shuttle; let me know when we're good to depart."

She looked around the cockpit a final time, swore to see it again, then turned and hurried down the CIC.

... ... ...

Kaidan stared out the forward windows of the shuttle from his position in the co-pilot's seat, claimed by him today because he needed to _see_. A grand battle for the ages raged around him, thousands of starships clashing against a powerful ancient enemy…but that wasn't what he was here to see. His eyes were focused entirely on the war-ravaged planet growing larger in the window.

_Earth. Home._

For a moment he saw it as it once was. He had been born on Earth, grown up on Earth – unusual for a military brat perhaps. His father had been transferred from Singapore to his final post at Alliance HQ when he was a young kid, and the Pacific Northwest was the only home he'd ever known. But more than that, it had played a vital role in crafting the man he would become, and for that reason it held a uniquely special place in his heart.

He'd had a calm, uneventful childhood, occasionally enjoying the idyllic British Columbia outdoors but mostly spending his time studying or tinkering with whatever gadgets he could get his hands on. Everyone had assumed he would be an engineer when he grew up…that is, until the biotics manifested and his life had changed forever.

When he had arrived back home from Jump Zero two weeks shy of his eighteenth birthday, his father had looked at him like he was a total stranger. His mother had fussed and hovered over him and assured him over and over again that everything would _be okay_…except that he knew perfectly well that everything would _not_ be okay.

He had lasted three months before he could no longer take the furtive stares, the awkward silences, the smothering tension that blanketed the house like a spring-loaded trap set to trigger the moment he made another "mistake." Not knowing what else to do, he packed a bag, borrowed five hundred credits from his father, promised to comm home regularly, and walked out the door.

He hiked north, into the majestic Pacific Ranges. He just wanted to be left alone, and that was the most sparsely populated area he knew of. He grew his hair out to cover his amp socket so when people looked at him they wouldn't know he was a freak, and quite possibly a monster. When he ran low on credits he would hire himself out for tech repair jobs in whatever town he was in; but he never stayed in one place too long, lest people _find out_.

Eventually he started thinking about catching a transport up to Anchorage and took a part-time job as a short-order cook in a hole-in-the-wall town called Lilooet to earn the credits he would need. Then one day while he was at work, the newsnet reported the Batarian slaver attack on Mindoir. It may seem odd, being from a military family and after what happened at Jump Zero, but in a lot of ways he was still a naïve kid; as he listened to the report, it occurred to him for maybe the first time that there were a lot of really_ bad_ people in the world.

That night he lay on the tiny bed in the tiny room he was renting and wondered why nobody had been protecting those colonists on Mindoir; he thought that protecting others from those really bad people out there was something he would like to do. But he was afraid – afraid that he was and would always be a killer, not a protector; afraid that no one would ever understand what had happened and how sorry he was that it had; afraid that should he ever try to protect anyone the same thing would happen that had happened when he had tried to protect Rahna.

But he was even more afraid of spending the rest of his life alone and useless and adrift, of never doing a damn thing in his life that mattered. So the next morning he packed up and walked out of town and up the trail. By this point he was more than capable of taking care of himself in the wilderness; he hiked deep into the mountains, until he was sure there must not be another living soul for kilometers.

Then for the first time in one year, four months and six days, he used his biotics.

He stayed out there in the wilds for three weeks before hiking into town for supplies then promptly going back out. In the end he spent six months in the beautiful, desolate mountains of British Columbia teaching himself absolute control over his biotics – what it felt like to let them go, how to rein them back in, and exactly where the line between the two lie. He _warped_ apart bushes, then trees, then boulders; he maintained a _barrier_ until sweat flowed down his face and his body shook.

He bought books on biotics for his Omni-tool; learned how they truly worked, what went on inside his body when he used them. He found out that the reason for the crippling migraines he suffered was not his guilty conscience punishing him but rather a defect in the L2 implant, and that people were dying or being driven mad by it. Not wanting to join them, he spent untold hours meditating under towering ponderosa pines and atop granite ridges, figuring out techniques to weather the worst of the migraines, and to maintain and modulate his biotics.

One gorgeous day, when the sky was as blue as the ocean and the breeze whispered a melody through the tree branches, he stood atop a ledge that looked out over Carpenter Lake, Whitecap Mountain towering in the distance beyond it…and realized that he liked himself again. He was no longer ashamed, and more importantly, he was no longer afraid. He stood on that ledge and vowed then that he would find a way to live a life of purpose, of meaning. If he could, he would find a way to make a difference.

The next morning he started hiking east towards Kamloops, where he got a job with an actual tech repair shop and started brushing up on his rusty technical skills, continuing to work on biotics and meditation at night. He cut his hair and bore the occasional stares and close-minded attitudes stoically and without complaint. A year later he took a transport back to Vancouver, spent the evening with his parents, and the next morning submitted his application to the Academy.

When he had stood on that ledge more than fifteen years ago and vowed to himself to try to make a difference, he could never have imagined that today he would be one of a small handful of people on which the fate of Earth, the fate of the entire galaxy, rested. It was a helluva long road he had traveled to arrive here, at the moment the worm turned.

He gazed out at a planet the star charts insisted was Earth, but which his brain could no longer accept as such. The oceans were a dull, cloudy gray; the continents a mottled brown punctuated with rivers of red. He knew his mom was alive down there, huddled in the rural interior trying to survive. He knew others were alive down there, Anderson and hundreds of soldiers fighting to survive. But it looked like an utterly alien world, strange and foreboding and not at all like _home_.

He had often thought that if things went his way, one day he would take Shepard to the mountains outside Lilooet, to that ledge with the kind of view that would make her beautiful eyes sparkle with delight, and tell her what it meant to him. But that view was surely gone now, polluted and wrent apart by the Reapers, never again to return.

He felt Shepard's hand on his shoulder as she leaned down close to his ear. "What's going on in that complicated brain of yours?"

He stared out the window as the shuttle began dropping through Earth's outer atmosphere. "I was just thinking that it was high time the Reapers were removed from my home."

... ... ...

"Shit!" Steve remembered in the second half of the syllable to lower his voice to a mutter as he wrenched the shuttle to starboard, avoiding the Destroyer beam that ripped apart the shuttle to their port.

Once the shuttle leveled off he looked over his shoulder, his mouth set in a grim line. "Commander, that shuttle held the team that was tasked with taking out the western Hades Cannon."

"Then I guess you had better set us down as close as you can get us to that Cannon, Lieutenant." The order given, she spared a quick roll of her eyes. "I _knew_ there was no way we were going to make it to the FOB…"

"Yes, ma'am. The closest remotely safe drop point is…Hyde Park."

She looked around for the most likely person to know Earth geography, found Kaidan's gaze…he shrugged at her helplessly. She quickly opened her Omni-tool, scanned the map, then nodded. "Sounds good, Lieutenant. Whatever you can do."

She straightened her shoulders easily and turned to the occupants of the crowded shuttle. "Not surprisingly, the battle plan has not survived contact with the enemy. We need to take out that Hades Cannon so Hammer can land. We're going to set down about a kilometer and a half back; we need to get within a hundred meters of it to be in range. It looks like a lot of the terrain between here and there is parkland, so that should provide us some cover…assuming the parks haven't been incinerated."

The shuttle dipped low as Steve maneuvered in for a landing. "James, grab the Cain. Those oversized muscles you take such pains to maintain are finally going to come in handy – you get to _carry_ it."

He just nodded tightly, not forthcoming with a wisecrack for once. The shuttle door opened as it lowered towards the ground. "Okay guys, let's do this." She turned and leapt out of the shuttle –

– _and back onto the soil of Earth._

The next half-hour was a blur of trees, of burnt terrain, of destroyed roads, abandoned buildings and narrow alleyways…of a five hundred year old palace bombed into rubble…of an ever-increasing number of Husks as they drew near the Hades Cannon. Finally they reached a bombed-out church on a slight incline. It provided some cover and a clear line of sight to the target across the rubble of another of London's destroyed landmarks; it would have to do.

She slid down against a collapsed wall. "James, give me that Cain _now_!" He appeared at her side, tossed her the enormous antimatter weapon, then immediately pulled his shotgun back out and sprayed the latest wave of approaching Cannibals.

She hefted the Cain onto her shoulder, stood and aimed. The Cannon opened to fire, she said a quick prayer that she wouldn't hit the towering clock behind it, and fired. The Cannon exploded in a mushroom cloud, for a moment lighting up the London sky.

It looked like Hell brought forth to the surface, like –

– three fireballs rained down from the sky, landing almost on top of them. It seemed they had gotten the Reapers attention. She hit her comm as she ducked back down. "Steve, we need a pick up." She frowned. "Steve? Lieutenant?"

"…shot down…can't…need…"

"Steve, are you injured?" James' gaze shot over to her.

"…not bad…hole up…"

"We'll come for you, just hold tight." She let her team take care of the approaching Husks as she switched to the secure Alliance channel.

... ... ...

"I _know_ they can't fly around in low atmosphere orbit forever – just give it one more minute." David Anderson cut the link and leaned against the table, staring out at the Hades Cannon firing in the distance as if he could take it down with his glare alone.

Sergeant Tremont hurried through the door into the makeshift command center of the crumbling hospital-turned FOB. "Admiral, we haven't been able to raise the team assigned to take out the Hades Cannon. It's possible they didn't make it, sir."

He squeezed his eyes shut then, pinching the bridge of his nose against the headache borne of exhaustion. Physical, mental, emotional exhaustion. N7 training thirty years ago had taught him the tools he needed to fight it, to push through and persevere under the most trying of circumstances, and he had utilized that training more than once during the last thirty years…but never for months on end. Never like this.

_Don't fall apart within sight of the end. You're a soldier, Anderson, and a leader to these men – for god's sake act like it._

He opened his eyes and nodded sharply. "Tell Major Coates to report to me immediately; we'll put together a team and – "

The windows lit up as an explosion filled the sky; he spun around to see an expanding mushroom cloud where the western Hades Cannon had been a moment ago.

"They did it, sir!"

Anderson exhaled heavily in relief. One more insurmountable obstacle surmounted; just a dozen or so more to go. He immediately hit his comm. "Hammer forces, you are clear to land; repeat, Hammer is clear to land."

He grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler and sucked it down greedily. Things were about to get a shitload more crazy around here, as if that was possible. At least it wasn't a complicated plan – send everything and everyone they had straight through "no-man's land", hope the force was enough to overwhelm the Reaper ground forces, get to the Conduit before they had time to send in reinforcements, take out the Destroyer and –

– the sound of static filled the room as the secure comm activated. "This is Commander Shepard. We are pinned down by heavy Husk forces seventy-five meters south-west of the former Hades Cannon; requesting immediate extraction. Again, this is Commander Shepard. We have destroyed the Hades Cannon and need immediate extraction – " Silence fell as the transmission cut off.

He huffed a brief laugh to himself. Of _course_ Shepard had taken out the Cannon; she never failed to step up when others had fallen…he turned and headed for the door.

Sergeant Tremont looked over in surprise. "Sir, where are you going?"

He grabbed his pack from the corner and slung it over his back. "I'm going to get her."

"But sir – " The door closed behind him.

... ... ...

Rubble rained down on them as a fireball took out one of the few walls remaining standing. Shepard turned away as a chunk of concrete grazed her forehead, then quickly _threw_ a large piece so that it missed Miranda's head.

Garrus shouted over the ledge separating them. "Last proximity mine, Shepard!"

"Make it count then! Liara, be ready!"

Kaidan came over her comm from the far side of the wrecked church. "Shepard, we've got a Harvester incoming from our north."

"On the way!" She turn and ran low towards Kaidan, Tali and Javik's position. If they all concentrated their fire, they could take it out. She blinked away the soot and concrete flakes trying to penetrate her eyes and cloud her vision as she skirted along the broken wall.

She reached them and slid down next to Javik. "Everybody on my mark…now!"

She lifted her rifle over the low cover, aiming upward –

– the Harvester exploded in mid-air.

Her eyes slid to her left, then her right. "Okay…_who_ brought the rocket launcher, and _why_ didn't I know about it?"

A shuttle emerged from the smoke, banking low towards them. She sank back against the low wall, sucked in a single glorious deep breath, then hit her comm. "James, get your ass back – our ride's here."

"Yeah, we saw – we're incoming, but we got Husks on our tail!"

"Right." She was on her feet in a flash. "Everybody get to the shuttle!" She ran to the western incline and saw James and Kal, Steve sagging between them, as they hurried up the hill. Thankfully Steve's feet were on the ground and moving, so he wasn't unconscious. She opened a _singularity_ directly behind them, then aimed her rifle and started picking off Husks.

As the men grew closer she began backing up towards the shuttle. Once they crested the ridge, additional gunfire began whizzing past her ears and the Husks began falling in waves. She felt the edge of the shuttle against her calf, then Kaidan's hand on her waist and his heavy pistol aimed over her shoulder. Garrus leaned out of the shuttle and lifted Steve from James and Kal, then they quickly jumped in and the shuttle lifted off as a single remaining Husk clawed at the floor.

"You're a sight for sore eyes."

She spun around, a delighted smile blossoming on her face. "Anderson!"

He reached out and grabbed her in a bear hug, which she returned in full. "_Fuck_, it's good to see you."

He huffed a tired laugh. "You too, Shepard…you too." Finally he let go, looking behind her. "Alenko?"

Kaidan turned around, head dipping in acknowledgment as he smiled broadly. "Good to see you, sir." He stuck his hand out, which Anderson promptly grabbed and pulled him into a hug as well. "Same here, Kaidan." Then he stepped back, grabbing the stability bar as the shuttle swung around to the north.

"You ready to do this, Shepard?"

She pulled a glove off and casually wiped grime and gore off her cheek with the back of her hand. "Just get me onto the Citadel."

... ... ...

Anderson turned to her as they reached the door to the command post. "We've got maybe twenty minutes while Hammer finishes coming in and getting organized. Get your pilot seen to by the medics, grab some energy bars, check in with the Normandy, take care of whatever else you need to. Also, have your people take their guns by the armory; we've come up with a new toy you all need to get your hands on."

She nodded, patting him on the back affectionately then grabbing a water and leaning against the wall, suddenly finding herself with an-all-too-rare moment to _breathe_. Anderson had the assault planned down to the last man and had fully briefed them during the shuttle ride – her role essentially consisted of running headlong for the Conduit, and that she could most certainly do. She did need to eat something after the extensive biotics of the last hour and what was sure to be the extensive biotics of the next hour…

But first, she gazed slowly around the FOB. Soldiers hurried in every direction, carrying datapads, packs, weapons, supplies. Shuttles continued to land inside the barbed-wire perimeter, troops pouring out of them. The space was becoming increasingly crowded as the tiny FOB overflowed with far greater forces than it had been designed to handle.

The air buzzed with energy, anticipation…and desperation. Most of these soldiers had been fighting for months, whether here on the ground or out in space, with no breaks and far too few victories. But they had made it this far, made it to the endgame – and she knew they wouldn't falter now.

She hit her comm as she pushed off the wall. "Shepard to Normandy…Joker, have you shot at enough Reapers to tide you over for a while?…too bad, because it's time to pull off from Sword."

Several minutes later she walked into the makeshift armory, a group of soldiers saluting her as they passed on the way out. She glanced around the room then over at the man efficiently organizing a variety of small arms in the corner. "I understand you have a weapon mod that will cause the Reapers to explode into rainbow pixie dust?"

The man looked up in surprise, his eyes widening slightly. "Commander Shepard! I – not exactly, ma'am, but it will do some damage. Come over, I'll show you." She approached and leaned against the worktable as he held up a tiny cylinder. "This little beauty emits a high-frequency sonar wave – drives the Husks crazy. We think it scrambles their cybernetic charges, but honestly we're just guessing. Regardless, it won't kill them, but it will make them much easier targets."

He paused. "You don't have any Batarians on your team, do you?" She shook her head. "Good…because it seems to drive them crazy, too. Something about the way their ears process sound."

She nodded appreciatively. "Every little bit helps, and it sounds like this will help quite a lot."

He let out a low whistle as she handed him her rifle. "I was going to ask if you needed any arms, but…I think you're set." His palm ran lovingly down the long barrel of the pitch-black N7 Valiant X. "This model's a hell of a weapon to begin with, but you've modded it even further…" He peered down the chamber. "Most impressive, ma'am." He secured the cylinder on the barrel then reluctantly handed it back to her.

She grinned as she accepted it back, collapsing it and locking it on her back. "You seem to know a lot about guns…I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?"

He extended a hand. "Sorry, ma'am – Gunnery Chief Andrew Wyatt. I was a field-rep for the Hahne-Kedar Weapons Division until a few years ago. I enlisted after…" a shadow passed across his eyes "…after Sovereign's attack on the Citadel. I never thought I would be a soldier, but after the attack I felt like I needed to do something to honor…well, anyway." He nodded sharply. "Make sure your team comes by and gets fitted with these."

She gazed at him piercingly, head tilted just slightly to the side. _What were the odds?_ _Life was full of the most amazing moments of serendipity._ "She never forgot you, you know."

He blinked several times, staring down at the table as he fidgeted with a pistol. "I don't…" Finally he exhaled heavily then looked back up at her, a somber expression on his face. "I never forgot her either. She was…I never should have chased her away. And then it was too late." He smiled sadly. "So now I honor her the only way I can – the only way I think she would appreciate."

She clasped his shoulder warmly. "Ashley Williams was one hell of a marine, a dear friend…and the bravest woman I have ever known."

"Thank you for saying so." He straightened his shoulders and gave her a tight salute. "If you could ma'am, please go and send all those Reapers to Hell. I think she would have liked that quite a lot."

The look in Shepard's eyes as she turned towards the door was not one he would soon forget. "That's exactly what I intend to do."

She left the armory and headed back towards the command post, where she found Anderson surrounded by his men and Kaidan huddled in the corner with Liara and Javik. Knowing they needed every second they could get, she didn't interrupt, instead walking back outside.

The atmosphere had already shifted from one of chaos to one of disciplined preparation. Makos were lined up in two rows being quickly checked over by technicians; soldiers were forming into small teams, checking their packs and holstering their weapons. The last few shuttles descended, squeezing into the little remaining empty space.

In the blink of an eye, an army stood before her.

It was an army designed for a single purpose – to get _her_ to that Conduit beam. To give her one final chance to _force the galaxy to bend to her will_. That's what those close to her called it, what she did. That was the power Kaidan, Miranda, Thane, Garrus, insisted she possessed.

Personally, she was of the opinion that she was just very, _very_ stubborn.

"There you are."

She turned as Kaidan approached her, reaching out and grasping his hand. "It's almost time."

He nodded quickly. "Anderson says they'll be ready to move in five, so…"

She leaned into him, dropping her forehead – but he placed a finger under chin, lifting it back up and meeting her eyes. "So there's not a lot of time for…for hanging about and shooting the breeze. Now if all goes as planned, I'll see you on the other side. If it doesn't…" He swallowed, the words catching in his throat as his voice dropped to a whisper. "If It doesn't, then…I'll see you on the other side…"

Her eyes widened, bright and sorrowful as she reached for him. She pulled him against her and his mouth onto hers, kissing him fiercely, passionately. His arms tightened around her waist and into her hair, holding her with everything he had…and for just a moment everything faded away as the universe shrank down to the space encompassing them. They breathed each other in, clinging to the moment as long as they could.

He finally pulled back ever so slightly, hands grasping either side of her face, thumbs caressing her cheeks and along her jaw. "Now you go and do what you – what _only _you – can do." He smiled tenderly as a single tear fell and rolled slowly down his cheek. "Go save the galaxy, baby."

She squeezed his hands, guiding them down from her face to rest over her heart. "No matter what."

He drew their locked hands across the miniscule distance to his chest. "Always."

Then he did the hardest thing he had ever done in his life – he pulled away from her.

As they separated, wild applause broke out all around them. She giggled slightly, grinning at him as a flush rose in his cheeks. Her outstretched hand still grasping his, she turned to the soldiers surrounding them and bowed dramatically, pulling him down with her in a flourish.

Then she straightened back up, looked out at the young, shining faces mixed in with the grizzled, worn ones, and gave them a smile that did in fact light the night sky.

"Who wants to help me kick the Reapers off our planet and out of our galaxy?"

The roar from the crowd was deafening.


	69. Catalyst

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 69**

"**Catalyst"**

* * *

><p><em><span>Author's Note<span>: In the days following the release of Mass Effect 3, I wrote Chapter 47: "The End of the Beginning" in an attempt to move past the travesty that was the initial endings of the game. The reception to it was amazing, and I'm so glad it was able to help others deal with the endings, much as writing it did for me. I am very proud of the story told in that chapter, and it will always be near and dear to my heart. However…_

…_this is not that story._

* * *

><p>Shepard's elbows were balanced on her knees, hands clasped at her chin, as she stared intently at Anderson while the cramped tank bounced along the broken road towards the Conduit.<p>

"Any word out of the Citadel? Do we have any idea what's going on up there?"

He shook his head slowly. "Nothing in or out since the Reapers came through the Citadel Relay; the first thing they did was jam communications. But…"

Her eyes had drifted to the floor as he talked but flicked back up to him then. "But what?"

He sighed heavily. "Our scouts have been reporting that ever since the Conduit was turned on, Husks, and even some indoctrinated humans, have been dragging bodies there and tossing them into the beam."

"Goddess…" Liara's eyes widened as the possible implications rolled through her mind, one after another.

Shepard straightened up in her seat. "Okay. Those people are already dead; we can't help them. Let's focus on what we _can_ do. The Conduit's source is the center of the Presidium ring, which means it's going to put us exactly where we need to be."

Anderson frowned. "What do you mean?"

The tank lurched to a halt, and she gave a half-smile to Anderson. "No time to explain; just stick with me, okay?"

He huffed a tired laugh. "Not like I was going to do anything else. It's your show now, Shepard."

The side hatch opened and they climbed out and onto the top of a ridge. Shepard rounded the corner of the tank…and froze in her tracks, eyes widening at the sight before her.

At the bottom of the hill was an enormous structure, obviously Reaper in design…it reminded her of the artifact Dr. Kenson had at Project Base, though this was vastly larger in scale. From its center rose the blinding white light of the Conduit, shooting from the base straight up to the closed Citadel a thousand kilometers above it. Wisps of white energy seeped off the edges of the beam and into the air, giving the area surrounding it the appearance of fog rolling over a sea at night.

Anderson came up beside her. "Hell of a sight, isn't it?"

"Well, they sure know how to do dramatic…" She blinked twice to shake off the spell, then looked behind her. "Everyone ready?"

Liara turned from her team and nodded tightly. "We're ready, Shepard."

She glanced over at Anderson and smiled confidently. "Let's do this – "

– a deep, teeth-rattling growl roared from behind the Conduit as Harbinger flew in across the river towards them.

"_Fuck me_ – go, now!"

She ran.

҇ ҇

_Shepard grinned at the sound of explosions ringing through the air as the Alliance gunships decimated the Batarian pirates on the ground and the ships they had arrived in. She slumped down in exhaustion against the barricade and was just about to close her eyes, when she spotted a team of Alliance troops come around the corner at the far end of the market, clearing the buildings as they approached the remains of her makeshift barricade._

_She sucked in a deep breath, then pushed herself to her feet and ran towards the troops. As she drew near, the officer in charge directed a team into the next building then stepped forward to meet her. _

_She skidded to a stop a meter in front of him, drawing herself up and saluting tightly, though she knew she must look an absolute wreck. "Lieutenant Shepard, sir, reporting in. If I may say so, you are a _most_ welcome sight. Sir."_

_He returned the salute, a slight smile crossing his face. "Captain Anderson. At ease, Lieutenant. What's the sitrep?"_

_She nodded and relaxed slightly, casually wiping sweat and blood off her forehead with the back of her hand. "Approximately ten hours ago a dozen Batarian ships descended on the downtown area and initiated an attack on the civilian population. We were able to barricade this side of the market area against them and get the colonists that couldn't fight into the basements of the buildings there" – she pointed to her right – "there, and there. We were able to hold off the primary assault, sir, though we suffered casualties."_

"_Damn impressive, Lieutenant. Sounds like you saved a lot of lives today." He gazed at her a moment. "When was the last time you ate anything?"_

_She exhaled harshly, pursing her lips together. "About fourteen hours ago, sir."_

_He immediately shouted over his shoulder. "Corporal Thomas, get the Lieutenant here some field rations ASAP."_

_She smiled wearily. "Thank you, sir."_

_He stepped closer and grasped her shoulder warmly. "I hereby relieve you of duty from command of this barricade. Get some food, get cleaned up, and get some rest. You did good, Lieutenant. You did real damn good."_

҇ ҇

_Shepard hurried down the stairs from the CIC as she felt the engine fire under her feet. They really _had_ been waiting on her…as she hit the crew deck she picked up her pace, jogging around the elevator – _

– _and running smack into a body. Datapads went flying as her bag was knocked from her hand._

"_Ow…" She pressed her palm to her forehead, her nose scrunching up._

"_Ow…" He rubbed the bridge of his nose gingerly._

"_Sorry, that was my fault, let me – " She bent down to pick up the datapads._

"_Sorry, ma'am, I should have been – " He bent down to pick up the datapads._

_Their heads crashed together, sending them both staggering backwards._

_She chuckled lightly, standing up and backing away, hands raised in surrender. "I tell you what, I'm just going to let _you_ get those."_

_He huffed a breath that could have been a laugh. "I think that's probably for the best." He gathered the datapads in his hands then stood._

_Her brow furrowed slightly as a pair of warm, golden-brown eyes met hers. "Lieutenant…Alenko, right?"_

"_That's right. How did you…?"_

"_I took a look at the dossiers of all the Normandy's officers during the flight over." She extended her hand. "Commander Shepard. I'm your new XO – at least for the shakedown cruise, anyway."_

_Kaidan took her hand in his and shook it firmly, his head tilting slightly as his eyes seemed to caress her face…uh-oh. "I knew you looked familiar – the Hero of Elysium."_

_She worked not to smile too much, though it was difficult what with his hand still grasping hers, index finger resting on the pulse point of her wrist. "That was quite a few years ago, Lieutenant. I'm surprised you remember."_

_He gave her a self-deprecating smile, and her heart decided to skip a beat. Seriously, _uh-oh._ "It was remarkable what you did there, protecting all those colonists. It, um, made an impression…"_

_She bit her lower lip in spite of herself, nodding slowly. "Well, it made an impression on me too, so…"_

_He suddenly realized he was still holding her hand in his, the handshake long since over. He quickly dropped it, stepping back and squaring his shoulders formally. "Yes, well…anyway…welcome aboard…"_

_She went over and claimed her bag from where it had landed against the wall. "I don't suppose you could point me towards the lockers? I'd like to at least get my bag stowed before I head back to the CIC."_

_He nodded quickly, his incredibly warm eyes meeting hers again ever-so-briefly. "Of course. I'll be happy to show you where they are, ma'am."_

_She followed him down the hall and through the mess towards the lockers, and wondered what the hell had just happened._

҇ ҇

_Shepard was still berating herself for grinning like a damn schoolgirl at Alenko as she opened the doors to the Med Clinic and walked into an armed standoff._

_She sprinted across the lab and slid down against the low wall next to a Turian – was he the same one she had met at the Council Chambers? – then created a singularity in the corner where two mercs were hiding; these guys were just thugs and weren't wearing any armor, so they were immediately rendered helpless. She heard Williams take out a third merc; she leaned over the wall to see the final one holding a gun to the doctor's temple._

"_You're surrounded, there's no way you can win this. Just let the doctor go, and – "_

_The merc's head exploded in blood and gore; the doctor screamed and stumbled back as the body fell to the floor._

_She jumped up and grabbed the Turian by the collar of his armor, yanking him towards her face as she glared up at him. "Are you insane? You could have hit the hostage!"_

_He blinked rapidly, sputtering. "Commander! I just – I saw the opportunity, I knew I had the shot – "_

"_Did you? Did you _really_? If she had flinched, if he had shifted, if anything at all had happened, then she would be dead and he would be alive. Dammit, I had it under control. It wasn't necessary to take that risk."_

_Alenko came up beside her, clearing his throat awkwardly. "She seems to be okay, Commander – just a little dazed and frightened."_

"_And it's a damn good thing she is." She glared at the Turian – he definitely was the one from the Council Chambers, Garrus was his name, she thought – then let go of his collar dismissively. _

_She abruptly turned away from him and walked over to the doctor, shifting her expression from one of disdain to one of kind concern. "Are you okay, doctor?" She asked gently as she placed a hand on the woman's shoulder. "Tell me what happened."_

_As soon as she found out a Quarian had information on Saren and was in danger, she knew they had to move quickly. She motioned for Alenko and Williams to head for the door, patted Dr. Michel on the shoulder a final time, then strode quickly past Garrus towards the door._

"_Wait – "_

_She turned back to him, an eyebrow raised._

"_You're going after Saren, right?" She nodded quickly; she really didn't have time for this._

_He exhaled harshly. "Then let me come with you. I want to bring him down as badly as you do."_

"_Don't you have a job here?"_

_His mandibles twitched, but he didn't hesitate. "I'll quit. Whatever it takes."_

_She gazed at him curiously. He had been genuinely upset when the Executor had shut him down at the Council Chambers, and he certainly seemed to believe that Saren was up to something nefarious… _

"_We've got to catch up with this Quarian right now, but…I'll think about it."_

҇ ҇

"_You sorry piece of shit." Shepard punched Fist hard in the temple, knocking him out cold, then grabbed the OSD and headed for the door. "Let's go, we've got to catch up to – " _

_She threw herself back against the wall as bullets flew into the hallway from the bar, rolling her eyes dramatically. "Fuck me, is every merc on the Citadel out there? Alright – Alenko take left, Williams take right. I'll – " she peeked quickly out the door " – I'll take the guys standing on the damn bar. On my mark, go!"_

_They blew through the door and fanned out, mowing down the mercs in their path quickly and efficiently. As they reached the exit she turned around, created a singularity under the merc that had peeked his head out from behind an overturned table, then took off running._

_She ran down the ramp and through the doors then through more doors then into a maintenance corridor. Shots rang out. She ran faster. She flew around the corner, gun raised, and immediately shot the Salarian sweeping his gun to the left. A second merc fell, vibrating from electrocution…then a Quarian woman peeked cautiously around the corner._

_Shepard lowered her weapon. "Tali'Zorah?"_

_The woman nodded, her finger twitching on the trigger of her weapon. Shepard smiled reassuringly. "It's okay. I'm Commander Shepard, and I'm here to help you."_

_Alenko and Williams came running down the corridor, both out of breath. Alenko rested his hands on his thighs, bending over slightly. "Damn, Commander…has anyone ever told you that you run like the wind? I'm sorry we couldn't – "_

"_It's fine, Lieutenant; if I had expected you to keep up, I would have ran slower. As it was, I got here just in time…" She turned back to Tali. "Though Miss Zorah here _did_ seem to have the matter well in hand."_

_Tali laughed nervously. "I'm not so sure, I might not have been able to take out that second one before he got me. Thank you, Commander; I am in your debt."_

_Shepard smiled, trying to find the woman's eyes behind the mask. "It so happens I have an idea how you can repay me."_

҇ ҇

_The elevator crashed to a stop three meters above the floor. Shepard leapt to the grate catwalk below and ran as it began collapsing beneath their feet. _

_The section in front of her fell away, and she jumped across to the stable walkway then quickly turned around, grabbing Ashley's hand as she leapt across the chasm. Kaidan jumped at the same time, landing solidly on his feet then throwing the Geth that had rounded the corner to the cavern floor below._

_She turned around to find a blue energy field and an Asari floating within it. She shifted her weight to her back leg, crossed her arms over her chest, and raised an eyebrow. "Dr. T'Soni, I presume?"_

_The Asari's eyes widened slightly. "Yes – how did you – never mind, it doesn't matter, just get me out of here!"_

_Shepard pursed her lips calmly as she gazed piercingly at Liara. "Yeah…not _just_ yet. We need to have a conversation first."_

"_A conversation? This place is crawling with Geth, and they have a Krogan Battlemaster with them – we can talk later!" _

"_I think we'll talk _now_. Your mother is working for Saren."_

"_My _mother_? I haven't seen my mother in three years! Who's Saren? What is going on here?"_

_She glanced around the cavern, motioning for Ashley to take out the Geth that had just appeared at the crest of the sloping ground. "Well, it looks to me like the Geth are trying to kill you – and the Geth are working for Saren, so I suppose that argues in your favor."_

"_Listen, whoever you are – "_

"_Commander Shepard."_

"_Fine, Commander Shepard. I have no idea who or what 'Saren' is, and I'd never seen a Geth before until four hours ago when they invaded my dig site. I'm an archaeologist, here studying Prothean ruins. That's all. Now please, _please_, get me out of here!" She squirmed within the energy field desperately._

_Shepard was pretty good at reading people, and…the woman truly did seem terrified, and clueless about what was going on. She nodded sharply. "Okay. How do I disable the field?"_

_Liara's shoulders sagged. "The only way I know of is on this side of the barrier…"_

"_It's alright, we'll find a way." She turned and started to head down to the lower level._

"_Wait! What if you don't?"_

_She stopped and looked back over her shoulder at Liara. "Don't worry. I always find a way."_

҇ ҇

_Shepard struggled to run as the station exploded around her. Every muscle in her body ached; her _bones_ ached; her head throbbed in agony. She caught a glimpse of her face reflected in the window of a lab as she ran past it. Pasty. White. Cracked, angry, glowing scars crisscrossing her skin._

_What _was_ she?_

_She stumbled briefly as a wave of dizziness crashed over her. Two years gone – _

"_Commander, the shuttle is just up these stairs!" She nodded to the young man who had said his name was Taylor, trying to shake it off. _You're alive, don't die now.

_She vaulted the stairs two at a time as the station shook violently, sprinted to the right, and slammed to a stop at the shuttle doors._

_The "doctor", Wilson, came up a moment later and input a code – the doors slid open – _

"_Miranda! But I thought you were – "_

_The strikingly attractive woman in the perfectly-molded bodysuit shot Wilson in the throat._

_Shepard's gun was up in a flash, leveled somewhat shakily at the woman's forehead._

_Miranda shook her head ruefully at Wilson's body, then looked up. "Shepard, _please_. He was the traitor responsible for the attack on the station."_

_As soon as the woman spoke, she realized it was the voice that had woken her up from the black. According to Taylor, this was also the woman in charge of her…resurrection. Still. "What if you're wrong?"_

_Miranda smirked. "I'm never wrong."_

_Shepard holstered the pistol. "Okay – first off, thank you."_

_Miranda raised an eyebrow. "For what?"_

_She frowned…wasn't it obvious? "For bringing me back, of course. Much appreciated. I _am_ going to want to know a little more about that, but it can wait for the moment. Second off, that's a dangerous attitude to have; it will get you and those around you killed."_

_Miranda stared at her coldly. "Don't lecture me, Shepard – about attitudes, decision-making or anything else. Remember – _you're_ the one who died, and _I'm_ the one who brought you back." The floor shuddered as flames began licking up the stairs. "Now can we go? I assume you don't want to die again, not when you just woke up and all."_

_She shot Miranda a withering glare as she pushed past her and stepped into the shuttle. She didn't know much of anything at the moment – where she was, what was going on, how she was alive when she was fairly certain she had been dead – but she did know one thing. _

_She was _not_ going to like this bitch._

҇ ҇

_Shepard kicked the speed on the treadmill up, then up again. Her stride stretched out, legs pumping gracefully, gliding over the spinning track as if it were glass._

_She closed her eyes, and for just a moment imagined that if she ran fast enough for long enough, she could escape. Escape her looming "detention." Escape the weight of the world that hung upon her shoulders and threatened to crush her. Escape to Kaidan and drag him with her to a nice, quiet place with a view where they could sit back and watch the destruction of all sentient life – _

"_Commander?"_

_She opened her eyes to find Vega standing in the doorway of the workout room. She muted the music in her ears. "What do you need, Lieutenant?"_

"_Admiral Anderson wanted me to let you know that we'll be arriving at HQ in about an hour."_

_She nodded and began slowing the pace of the treadmill. "That's fine, Lieutenant. I'll go get cleaned up in a moment." He nodded, but didn't leave. "Is there something else you need?"_

_He cleared his throat awkwardly. "No, ma'am. I'll just – "_

_She eyed him curiously as her pace slowed to a walk. "Are you uncomfortable being my jailer, Vega?"_

_He frowned in consternation. "I'm not your jailer, ma'am. I'm your protection."_

_She huffed a weary, jaded laugh. "This is an N7 marine, the Hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel you're looking at here – do you _really_ think I need a protector?"_

_He blinked a few times, as if she'd just asked him to calculate pi to a hundred digits. Then he straightened up. "Without a weapon, without an amp? Yes, ma'am. I do."_

_She stepped off the treadmill and grabbed a towel, mopping a heavy sheen of sweat off her neck and face. "I don't know…I'm not too bad at hand-to-hand."_

_He looked away, then back at her, smirking a little. "Well I'm not too bad at hand-to-hand either. Maybe one day we could have a little sparring match, see whose better."_

_She smiled briefly, but it faded as she remembered where she was headed and what was coming. "Perhaps one day, Lieutenant…"_

҇ ҇

As Harbinger came into view beyond the brilliant white glow of the Conduit, she left them all behind and sprinted towards the light. She ran with every ounce of strength she had.

It wasn't enough.

Harbinger fired its deadly beam at the space in front of the Conduit, and the world exploded. The ground lifted up and broke apart, bodies and vehicles went flying, the air turned red from the beam and blood. She was hurled into the air, crushed against the side of a tank – a sharp pain searing into her mind through the chaos – then tumbled roughly to the ground.

Her vision swam, the breath knocked from her lungs; she struggled to move and was assaulted by pain from every direction. She collapsed back to the ground and fought to breathe, while imposing calm on the madness. First rule of combat – panic means death.

By the time breath at last came, she had assessed the critical damage – a dislocated shoulder, several broken ribs, a sprained wrist and ankle, a nasty gash on the forehead, a busted lip, bleeding from the nose of unknown origin. Her armor was a wreck – burnt, crushed, or just _gone_.

But most of all…there was a hole in her side, just above her waist. Near as she could figure, she had been impaled on a protrusion from the tank. It was the kind of wound that the automatic Medi-gel system in her armor would have kept in stasis until she could get to a medical facility or, more likely, to Chakwas…but her armor was _gone_.

She steadied herself with her good arm, shakily stood, and fixated on the Conduit.

_It didn't matter._

There was no time or chance or hope for doctors or treatment or any help at all. There was no time to turn around, to see if everyone or anyone had lived or died.

There was only time for one last desperate fight. And she would fight, as long as there was the smallest chance of victory. The odds never truly mattered in the games of life and death – and this was the ultimate game. All the marbles.

As Harbinger began swinging around for another attack, she stumbled forward and into the Conduit.

... ... ...

Anderson blinked several times, trying to focus.

_Shit, that hurt._

Every muscle in his body screamed in protest; he had half a dozen lacerations on his face, neck and hands. He shifted his weight carefully…nothing seemed to be broken, and he was not bleeding profusely from any particular location. Small favors and all.

He struggled to his feet just in time to see Shepard disappear into the white beam. He had been thrown ten meters through the air, landing hard against a tree trunk – but at least he had been thrown in the direction of the beam.

He sucked in a deep breath and followed her into the light.

... ... ...

Liara forced herself up and quickly turned around, out of the corner of her eye seeing Shepard go into the Conduit.

"Everyone okay?" They had been some distance behind Shepard when the Reaper beam had hit and had avoided the worst of it. Her eyes scanned over the team, counting them all on their feet.

"Okay, we have to get to the Conduit before the Reaper strikes again, let's go!"

She ran down the hill, limping slightly, as Harbinger turned towards them. Anderson hurried into the beam ahead of her…just a little further…she could feel energy radiating off the beam as she approached it…she reached out…

…the beam vanished, and darkness descended around them.

"_No!_"

The threat removed, Harbinger turned away and flew off.

James bumped into her from behind as he skidded to a stop. "What the hell happened? Where did it go?"

She exhaled sharply, all hope leaving her body with a single breath. "That's it. We can't get there. They're on their own…" She fell to her knees, head dropping into her hands in despair.

... ... ...

Steven Hackett paced deliberately in front of the galaxy map of the _SSV Orizaba_, his hands clasped calmly behind his back, the tension in his body detectable only by the grim line of his mouth and the just _slightly_ too heavy a manner in which his shoes struck the floor.

He glanced out a viewport as he swung around to continue his now well-trodden path. The dark side of Mars loomed large to their port. The small Reaper force that had landed on Mars during the initial hours of their assault had long-since departed, finding nothing of value there.

Now the _Orizaba_, the entirety of Shield, and the Crucible hid in the darkness behind Mars.

Waiting.

He had been an admiral for a number of years, but had commanded the Systems Alliance Navy for only the last three. It was one thing to be responsible for strategy, for planning, for the ultimate and highest calls. He pivoted the corner of his path again. It was another thing _entirely_ to be responsible for all that, and then to have to stand in the back and wait to see how those decisions played out, helpless to influence the result beyond putting the right people in the right positions to influence the result.

The last three months, hiding behind a desk at the Crucible Project while tens of thousands of soldiers, millions of civilians, died…it had driven him to the very edge of breaking. But this was the price, the full cost, of command – he was playing the long game, working for the ultimate victory…and if he obtained it he would save countless more lives than had been lost.

So for just a little while longer, he waited.

... ... ...

The power of the Conduit rushed across her skin, her biotics screaming against the discordant frequency. She felt like she was going to explode from within any second as power fought against power –

– then she was thrown out of the beam. She landed hard on a floor, screaming in pain as her dislocated shoulder slammed against concrete and a fresh gush of blood poured from the wound in her side.

She lay there a moment, eyes closed, sucking air into her lungs, as she worked to push past the pain and _focus_. She should be dead by now…but thanks to fucking Cerberus and their nifty toys that made her better, stronger, faster the second time around, she continued to live, and breathe, and _hurt_.

She opened her eyes to near-total darkness, a dim red glow the only light. She slowly pushed herself up until she was standing, then looked around…

When she was an N5 and newly-minted Staff Lieutenant, she had led a raid against an illegal tech lab that was designing and manufacturing cutting-edge but highly dangerous cybernetic implants and distributing them into the black market. The Alliance had been tipped off to its location by a scientist who worked there, having developed a sudden guilty conscience when several people died after receiving the implants.

But it turned out the informant had been discovered by those running the lab; after considerable torture he had confessed to informing the Alliance, and that a raid was incoming. Rather than let the secrets of how the implants were developed and who their suppliers and distributors were get out, those in charge had rounded up all the scientists and workers into a single room, locked the doors, cut them down with assault rifles from the second floor balcony, then left them there to die.

When Shepard and her special forces team arrived, they found fifty-seven bodies in that room. The floor was deep crimson from the congealed blood, the walls streaked with red like some macabre post-modern art exhibit. Some of the bodies were piled up against the doors, as those whose wounds were not immediately fatal had tried desperately to escape – but most lay where they fell. Not a single person had survived.

That massacre was the most mind-numbingly horrifying scene she had ever had the misfortune of witnessing…

…until now.

She was fairly certain that she was in Hell. Bodies were strewn as far as the eye could see, limbs entangled and twisted in unnatural directions, skin pale gray and mottled…because all the blood was on the floor. She lifted a boot from the ground; it came away dripping dark, viscous fluid.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._ She quickly put it back down and placed a hand on the wall, leaning against it heavily as she tried to breathe through the overwhelming odor of death and decay.

This was the Hell of Dante's Seventh Circle, complete with its own river of blood. She had no idea if the bodies immersed in the river of blood were the "violent" sinners that Dante had seen, but she rather doubted the Reapers had stopped to make such distinctions. More likely they were simply mothers and fathers, children and elderly, soldiers and farmers…and they were all dead.

Whatever she had been expecting, this was _not_ it.

Were they growing a new Reaper in here? Was everyone on the Citadel already dead? God, was – she stopped herself. _More people are dying outside every second you stand here wallowing. Don't weep for those lost – fight for those who yet live and breathe. _

_Move, Shepard._

She nodded to herself and pushed off the wall. She didn't know where in the Citadel she was; she knew where she _should_ be, but anything that might have otherwise been recognizable was covered in blood and gore and darkness.

Regardless, there was only one way to go – forward. She clamped her hand over the gaping wound in her side and started to move – then remembered her dislocated shoulder, turned and slammed it against the wall and back into its socket, screamed at the jolting pain, collapsed to her knees before ordering herself to _stand up_ – and resumed moving forward.

A keeper came into her view ahead; it was doing _something_ to – she spun around in the direction she had come – the others, had they made it?

But the artifact that had deposited her here had gone dark. The Conduit was closed. She was the only one…okay then. She turned back to the long corridor and took a step –

"Shepard, are you here?"

She jumped at least three meters in the air in surprise, jarring her already-sprained ankle in the process.

"Shepard? Anyone?"

She touched her comm. _"Anderson?"_

"Shepard, thank god. I made it into the Conduit behind you, but we must have come out at different places."

She smiled, though it probably looked like a grimace. Then maybe others _had_ made it as well. "I'm glad. I didn't think anyone else had made it."

She could hear him grunt with exertion, or pain. "Yeah, it was a close one. I've only got one path, so I'm just going to keep going forward."

"Same here. With a little luck – does luck still exist? – we'll end up at the same place." She paused. "Anderson…how bad is it where you are?"

"It's a goddamn abomination."

"Yeah…here too."

"I see a – " his voice broke up in static.

"Anderson? Anderson, do you read me?" There was nothing but static in response. She took a deep breath and kept going.

The hallway of death eventually turned into a slightly brighter hallway of death, then a ramp that wasn't covered in blood, then a vast, shining traverse leading to an open chamber above. She could see the twinkling lights of the Citadel arms as she agonizingly slowly drew near the chamber.

She stumbled into the chamber just in time to see the Illusive Man shoot Anderson in the gut.

... ... ...

"Sir, multiple Sword vessels are reporting that the Citadel arms have begun to open!"

Hackett exhaled harshly. _They did it. Somehow, against all reason and odds, they did it._ He hit the secure comm. "Shield forces, prepare to move away from Mars and proceed to the Citadel. On my mark…_now_. All ahead full. Remember our mission – protect the Crucible at all costs."

The halo of the sunrise began peeking around Mars' shadow as the _Orizaba_ accelerated. Soon the sun shone brightly, yet was barely more than a star in the distance…so much farther, so much smaller than it was on Earth…

But modern warships traveled quite fast and in moments they were approaching Earth, and the battle that raged above it. He stared out the viewport, then down to the constantly-updating battlefield map in front of him, and assessed the situation.

By this point more than half of the Galactic Alliance forces had been destroyed by the Reapers, the resulting debris cluttering the field of battle to the point that it was difficult to discern what was actually happening – but the map readout indicated that nearly a third of the Reapers had also been destroyed, a far greater number than he had dared to hope for.

The hard truth was that Sword, for all its might, had always been intended as a diversionary mechanism. They couldn't defeat the Reapers by conventional means; they had known that from the start. But so long as the Reapers were shooting at Sword and not at Hammer, then Hammer stood a chance of getting people onto the Citadel. Then Shepard stood a chance of getting onto the Citadel. Then, and only then, did they stand a chance of winning.

But though Sword had sacrificed greatly, it had also done its secondary job well, dragging the fight inexorably away from the Citadel, focusing the Reapers' attention on them as they crept towards the far side of Earth, leaving a relatively clear path for Shield.

He watched as the Crucible slid towards the Citadel, now open and inviting. The docking lock around the firing mechanism lined up directly with the circular structure below the Council Chambers, approached it…then seamlessly locked into place.

Hackett breathed out slowly in relief…one very large hurdle overcome. Now, they just had to wait for Shepard.

... ... ...

"You bastard!" Shepard grunted through teeth clenched in pain and rage.

The Illusive Man turned to face her, and the horror was revealed. His neck and portions of his face were covered in a weaving of blue glowing wires, his skin cracking open to reveal a blue glow beneath it. She grasped her gun hand with her good arm and started pulling it up.

"Shepard, wait, I can control the–"

"You indoctrinated little _shit_."

She pulled the trigger and shot him between the eyes. He fell backwards over the edge of the platform and into the abyss of the Citadel. _An ignominious end, but no more than he deserved._

She dropped the gun and tried to run to Anderson, causing another gush of blood to pour out from the wound in her side and through her fingers. She ignored it. He was still alive when she reached him, but his stomach was a bloody mess mixed with the black of his combat fatigues.

"It's okay, I've got you." She slowly dragged him against the control panel in the front of the chamber and propped him up against it, then collapsed beside him. The arms of the Citadel were opening to reveal an Earth on fire and a great battle raging above it.

"I think I got it working…arms open…I'm not sure –" He was interrupted by a fit of gurgled coughing.

…_She was a girl kneeling beside her father as the world exploded around her. "Dad! Dad, hold on! Let me help you." He reached up and grasped her arm, letting out a horrible gurgling cough… _

"Just hold on, Anderson. I need to…"

She stopped, the entire weight of the galaxy collapsing down upon her shoulders in that moment.

There was no Medi-gel.

There was no anything.

There was nothing she could do for him, or for herself.

He seemed to understand, and let out a long breath. From afar the Crucible began its approach. "Hell of a view…"

She tried to smile through the pain, cognizant that she was getting increasingly dizzy from blood loss. Time slowed to a snail's pace.

"_Sceni– scenic vistas! Do you two not see this? It's magnificent – incredible – beautiful…" She turned to Kaidan, gesturing out at the marvel beyond._

_She could see him smile behind the helmet. He mouthed, silently, "Yes." But it seemed he looked only at her._

"Was even better the last time I was out here…"

Anderson breathed haltingly in and out. "God…feels like years since I just sat down…" His head dropped to his chest.

She struggled to reach over and lift his chin. "Stay with me! We're almost through this, dammit."

He looked up at her and smiled tenderly, grasping her hand with his. "You did good, child…you did _good_. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, even for a second…but I am _so_ proud of you…"

His hand went slack in hers. She stared at him for a moment, tears in her eyes, and gave his hand a final squeeze.

"Goodbye, old friend."

She exhaled slowly…and realized she was fading away. She fought with everything she had against the encroaching fog in her mind as the Crucible grew large in her blurring vision…

…_she needed to stay awake dammit, she still needed to…_

…her hand fell away from the wound in her side and to the floor…

…_they were counting on her to…_

…her head dropped back against the podium as her eyes fluttered shut.

... ... ...

James paced back and forth in agitation in front of the silent, dark, Reaper artifact, hands running raggedly through his cropped hair.

"Human, is there some problem you are solving by this…movement?"

He stopped short and glared at Javik. "Yes – it's keeping me from punching the nearest thing – or person – "

"Lieutenant!" Liara spun around, growling at him. "Threatening your teammates is not going to help the situation!" She looked up the hill at the devastating result of Harbinger's attack. "Make yourself useful instead – go with the others and see if you can help some of the injured."

He stormed over to her, leaning in dangerously close. "Isn't that usually your job, _ma'am_?"

She straightened her shoulders and met his stare with her own…and the look in her eyes was so cold and frightening that he instinctively took a step back. "My job is leading this team, and you would do well to remember that."

He exhaled sharply, all the tension flowing out in the breath. "It's just…there's nothing left to lead! Shepard and Anderson are up there with god knows what horrors, and they're probably already dead, and we're down here with our thumbs stuck up our asses, because there's nothing we can do to help them!" He threw his hands in the air, walked over to the nearest tree and punched the trunk in frustration, sending bark and shards flying.

Liara watched him for a moment, then looked up…without the Conduit lighting the sky, she couldn't even _see_ the Citadel except in the periodic glow of ships exploding.

Suddenly her brain spun into overdrive. "Maybe there _is_ something we can do, Lieutenant." She activated her comm. "EDI, do you read me? It's Liara…I need your help."

... ... ...

A blinding light surrounded her as she blinked repeatedly, forcing her eyes to stay open. She put her hands beneath her and slowly, _agonizingly_ slowly, pushed herself to her feet. Her rather deep reservoir of strength was getting rather low, but she still found within it the strength to stand. She didn't look back at Anderson lying still on the elevator.

A bright white beam of light rose in front of her, and all around her were the stars. The battle continued to rage, but from here it seemed not deadly but beautiful, a choreographed dance of light and fire. Beneath her was a pristine glass-like floor that appeared to glow from within. Out of the corner of her eye a shimmering, translucent presence began walking towards her from out of the light…

…it was the boy from the vent on Earth. From her dreams. Her eyes narrowed.

"You."

The being stopped in front of her. "Why are you here?"

"To stop the Reapers. Why do you look like the kid I talked to in Vancouver?"

"It is merely an image retrieved from your thoughts. I have no form."

"What are you then?"

"I am the Catalyst."

She raised an eyebrow. "The _Citadel_ is the Catalyst."

"The Citadel is me, and I am it."

She nodded slowly, but her gaze sharpened, honing in as best she could on the pulsing, flickering, shimmering hologram. "Fine. Then you can help me stop the Reapers."

The being turned and began "walking" slowly towards a large, three-pronged structure that now jutted upwards towards the Crucible docked above them. _Good on Hackett; they had made it. Almost there._

"Perhaps. I control the Reapers. They are my solution."

She began following "it." "Solution to _what_?"

"Chaos. The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order."

She stopped short at that. "By _wiping out organic life_?"

It looked back at her. "No. We harvest advanced civilizations; we help them ascend so they can make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form."

She exhaled sharply, instinctively grabbing at the wound in her side. "I think we'd rather keep our own form, if it's all the same to you."

The being turned away and resumed its course. "No, you can't. Without us to stop it, synthetics will destroy all organics, and life in the galaxy will die. We've created the cycle so that never happens. Like a cleansing fire, we restore balance, and the cycle continues."

She frowned at the back of the being's head. _What?_ "Who created you?"

Having reached the center of the open platform, it stopped and turned to her. "Ones who recognized that conflict would inevitably arise between organics and synthetics. I was first created to oversee the relations between synthetic and organic life, to establish a connection, and hopefully, peace. But our efforts always ended in conflict – so a new solution was required."

She stared at the luminous being, an eyebrow raised. "_Uh-huh._ You're still here, but what happened to your creators?"

"They became the first true Reaper. They did not approve, but it was the only solution."

She threw her head back and laughed.

She could feel her broken ribs cutting into her, but she didn't care. She laughed and laughed as she gazed up at the extraordinary battle raging overhead. _Oh Dad, if you could only see the amazing and terrible wonders I have seen…_

"What is so funny?" It sounded annoyed.

She laughed a final time then dropped her head, looking down at him with disdain. "_You._ You're mad. Insane. You believe that the created will always rebel against their creators because that's what _you_ did. You went crazy and destroyed your masters, turned them into a Reaper against their will. And you've been destroying all life ever since, because to do otherwise would be to admit that you were wrong."

The being flared, growing brighter, its pulsing form more agitated. "_No._ We have sought alternate solutions numerous times; they always fail." Now it really did sound like the petulant child it resembled.

"That's because _you_ designed the solutions, embedding your bias within them from the beginning."

"You know nothing – you are a simple organic, incapable of understanding."

She crossed her arms over her chest, willfully _not_ cringing at the pain. _Just hold on._ "Oh, I think I understand things pretty damn well."

It stared at her in silence for a long moment. "Fine. You are here. You have done what no others before you have; you have constructed the Crucible and brought it here, joined it with me. This implies that something has changed, that this cycle is somewhat…unique…and I must respond accordingly. Therefore, I will give you the choice as to the path forward."

She smirked. "Before you do that, you should _probably_ know that your attempts to indoctrinate me failed miserably."

It didn't even bother to deny the fact that it and the Reapers were one and the same. "We are aware of that fact. If they had succeeded, you would not be here now. Yet you _are_ here, and so we must move forward with the options before us. With the joining of the Crucible to me, new opportunities have…presented themselves."

Her eyebrow raised, unimpressed. "Such as?"

"The Crucible was designed as a way to destroy the Reapers, as you undoubtedly know. But the Reapers are far beyond organics' comprehension, and it is a crude weapon. If you use it to destroy them, it will not discriminate. All synthetics will be destroyed by its energy; anything that depends on synthetic technology to live…will die."

_Goddamn fucking shit. Hell._

She did _not_ risk everything on Rannoch only to lose the Geth now. She was _not_ going to lose EDI, the most pure, beautiful form of life she had ever encountered.

She kept her expression blank. "Still, I'm guessing you aren't in favor of that option. What else?"

The being smiled ever so slightly. "You may control the Reapers. You will cease to be alive as you conceive of it; you will cease to be organic, corporeal. But the Reapers will be yours to control and direct as you see fit."

She frowned. "For how long?"

"I have lived a span of time beyond your imagining; who's to say you will not do so as well?"

"Okay. What else?"

"Synthesis. Add your energy to that of the Crucible – the chain reaction will alter the matrix of all life in the galaxy, combining all synthetic and organic life into a new framework, a new DNA. This is the ideal solution – the end of evolution, the end of the cycle. Order will reign for eternity."

She stared at it, challenging it. "Why don't _you_ do it, then? Why isn't _that_ your solution, instead of the wholesale slaughter currently in progress?"

"I…cannot. But you are here, and _you_ can."

_Sure._ "I see. What else?"

"These are your choices."

She needed no time to think about it. "_No._ Your choices are false. They are based on false premises, leading to false conclusions. We have broken your cycle without you. We have found peace between organics and synthetics. The created no longer rebel against their creators. We don't need your solution – any of them."

The being's translucent eyes narrowed at her. "Yes, you _do_. Conflict will always return, and without us to stop it, all life will be wiped from the galaxy forever."

"And if I refuse your choices?"

"Then the cycle will continue. The Reapers will harvest the advanced civilizations and help them ascend. This Crucible and all evidence of its existence will be destroyed, so that the cycle may continue and order will not be threatened by future civilizations. You will gain nothing, and lose everything. Choose."

She stared at it for a long moment, arms still crossed over her chest, weight resting slightly on her back leg, her expression unreadable. Finally her eyes flicked over to a spot behind and just to the left of the luminous being.

"Kasumi, any chance you can give me a fifth option?"

Kasumi materialized into existence in front of the structure connecting to the Crucible, just beside the beam of light. "I do believe I can, Shep."

At that moment gunfire began echoing beneath her feet.

Shepard looked back at the AI, and smiled.


	70. Rewind

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 70**

"**Rewind"**

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: <em>This chapter does exactly what it says – it "rewinds" back through time, from the final moment of Chapter 69 to the genesis of this story arc, revealing the events that weren't shown the first time through. <em>After reading, feel free to go back and re-read the earlier chapters, beginning with Chapter 62: "Surprise", to see how it all fits together – and always did._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Now – Crucible-Citadel Connection Point<strong>_

"_Kasumi, any chance you can give me a fifth option?"_

"_I do believe I can, Shep."_

_Kasumi whispered into her comm. "You ready, EDI?"_

_At that moment gunfire began echoing beneath their feet._

Shepard looked back at the AI, and smiled.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Now – Normandy Cockpit<strong>_

EDI looked over at Jeff. His brow was furrowed in concentration, his body tensed, as his hands flew over the controls. The Normandy circled hard then suddenly dipped, narrowly avoiding a stray beam from a nearby Reaper. He quickly pulled the ship back up and resumed the path around the Crucible-Catalyst connection point, careful not to stray too far away and waiting for the moment when they would be called in to rescue Shepard, Anderson and the others.

"Jeff, would you like to hear a joke I discovered?"

"Not really the time, EDI…" he responded through gritted teeth.

She smiled playfully. "What do you say when you get into a vehicle accident on Thessia?"

He groaned as he pitched the Normandy hard to the right. "I don't know, EDI – what _do_ you say when you get into a vehicle accident on Thessia?"

Her voice was calm and even. "I will tell you when I return. Goodbye, Jeff."

She faced forward in the chair. "I am ready."

His head swung over to her just as her body went limp.

He was reaching out for her when a deep electronic voice filled the cockpit. "Assuming control of ship secondary functions. Primary flight systems remain under the control of Flight Lieutenant Moreau."

Joker froze where he was, one hand on the controls and the other on EDI's limp arm, as he stared up at the overhead speaker.

"Legion?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Two Minutes Ago – Earth, Conduit Termination Point<strong>_

The Conduit beam shot down out of the sky in a blinding flash of light. The Reaper artifact flared, waves of energy shooting out of it as the power of the Conduit filled it.

Liara turned away just as it hit, shielding her eyes from light; her skin prickled as the residual energy danced over her skin. _Thank the goddess._

She immediately shouted up the hill. "It's back on! Everyone, let's go, now!" Then she turned and ran into the light.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three Minutes Ago – Crucible-Citadel Connection Point<strong>_

Kasumi huddled stealthed at the juncture of the blinding beam of light, the Citadel and the Crucible. Afraid to even whisper, she quickly typed to EDI on her Omni-tool. "I've almost got a gateway open."

EDI responded in her ear. "Very good. I have a request from Liara that you reactivate the Conduit beam if at all possible."

Kasumi rolled her eyes. _Sure, no problem, I'll just squeeze that in around my hacking of a billions-year-old AI…_

She narrowed her eyes in concentration for several seconds. "Okay. EDI, the gateway is open, but hold for Shepard's signal; she's still…" she glanced over her shoulder "…_talking_ to it. Now let me get the Conduit turned back on…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three Minutes Ago – Normandy<strong>_

Kaidan glanced at his Omni-tool as a message arrived from EDI. _Kaidan, Garrus, Tali: I expect to be unavailable shortly._

He closed his eyes briefly, breathing a small sigh of relief. _That means she's still alive. She's really going to make this happen._ He patted Tali on the shoulder. "That's my cue to get up to the CIC; good luck, Tali." He turned and hurried out the door of the Starboard Cargo Hold then sprinted to the elevator.

Tali nodded distractedly, fingers flying over the terminal as she ran the final diagnostic checks on the Legion VI and prepared it to take over for EDI.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Eight Minutes Ago – Citadel Control Room<strong>_

Kasumi leapt onto the elevator as it began rising, nimbly avoiding crashing into Shepard.

Shepard weakly raised her head a few centimeters off the floor. "Kasumi…you made it…"

"Hold on, I've got Medi-gel."

She shook her head faintly. "Him first."

"Like hell." Kasumi shifted Shepard slightly and applied a healthy dose of Medi-gel to the gaping wound in her torso, trying not to visibly cringe at all the blood, then quickly turned and did the same to Anderson, though he was unresponsive and barely breathing.

Only then did she glance around, her jaw dropping as the elevator rose to the open air of space on fire. She shook her head roughly, breaking the spell, and quickly whispered to Shepard as she re-stealthed.

"Be careful – it's an AI. We'll need a few minutes, so keep it talking if you can."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Twelve Minutes Ago – Council Tower Maintenance Tunnel<strong>_

Kasumi crouched in the darkened maintenance tunnel behind the Tower elevator. She had been hiding there ever since the world had gone insane; since the Citadel had gone dark as its arms closed; since the monsters had started appearing.

Shepard had sent her a message yesterday telling her it was almost time and to stick close to the Council Chambers, but it had still been sheer luck that she had been in the right place at the right – which was to say the worst of all – time.

Suddenly a low rumbling sound rose all around her, vibrating the tunnel walls and her bones. Through the thin slit in the wall a bright light began to appear; she squinted and peered through the slit. The Citadel arms were reopening, revealing Earth, the stars, a raging battle…and there was now a cavernous room far below her, occupied by several indistinct shapes. _What must be happening out there?_

Her Omni-tool started vibrating against her wrist; she tore her eyes away from the view and down to it. The line she had run from the access point of the Master Control Unit, found built into the Council Chambers' elevated walkway just as Shepard had described, to her hiding spot – and god had _that_ been a delicate operation to pull off – lit up like a Christmas tree. The VI was active.

_Showtime._

She began carefully but rapidly tracing her way inside it, following the path she had rehearsed…_wait_. She frowned at the unusual neural-like pathways, the intricate spider-web pattern sparking to life and revealing layer after layer after infinite layer, spreading in a billion pulsing fibers throughout the Citadel…

She hit her comm. "Shepard? Shepard, do you read me!" She was met with silence. _Dammit, she should have been here by now._ She peered back out the slit into the room below…that couldn't be her down there, could it?

She changed channels as she kicked off the panel she had previously loosened. "EDI? It's Kasumi – we have a problem."

"What is the nature of the problem, Kasumi?"

She activated her cloak and prepared to jump down into the room below.

"It's an AI."

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Hour, Forty-seven Minutes Ago – London, Forward Operating Base<strong>_

Kaidan swallowed, the words catching in his throat as his voice dropped to a whisper. "If It doesn't, then…I'll see you on the other side…"

Shepard's eyes widened, bright and sorrowful as she reached for him. Suddenly she couldn't breathe; she felt herself begin to panic. "Come _with_ me. I need you, I – "

He blinked, fighting back tears. "I can't; I have a job to do, remember?"

She shook her head severely. "No, I'm sure Garrus and Tali will be able to handle – "

He silenced her with a soft, gentle kiss, before pulling back just slightly. "It's your plan, and it's a damn good one." Then he smiled sadly. "_This_ is why there are regs against fraternization, by the way. You know it's the right military decision."

He caressed her cheek with the lightest touch of his fingertips. "I would give _anything_ to be able to go with you, to be at your side until the end, come what may. But…but I don't have to, because we're going to win this thing, and in order to do that, I need to be on the Normandy, filling in for you as best I can. I'll be there when this is over; I'll be waiting on you. I _promise_."

She closed her eyes and nodded tightly. "Okay. You're right. I'm sorry, I just…" She suddenly pulled him against her and his mouth onto hers, kissing him fiercely, passionately. His arms tightened around her waist and into her hair, holding her with everything he had…and for just a moment everything faded away as the universe shrank down to the space encompassing them. They breathed each other in, clinging to the moment as long as they could.

He finally pulled back ever so slightly, hands grasping either side of her face, thumbs caressing her cheeks and along her jaw. "Now you go and do what you – what _only _you – can do." He smiled tenderly as a single tear fell and rolled slowly down his cheek. "Go save the galaxy, baby."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Fourteen Hours Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, after Cerberus HQ Mission<strong>_

Shepard sat down numbly on the couch, slowly dropping her head down into her hands.

She had planned for everything. She had planned for Cerberus trying to take control of the Citadel; she had planned for them trying to take out military command in several locations; she had planned for them trying to steal the Crucible as soon as it was finished. She had planned for a dozen other potential scenarios.

But the one thing she had never conceived of, never even imagined was a possibility, and thus had never planned for, was that the Illusive Man would _tell the Reapers_.

She had known he was indoctrinated to an extent, but it had always appeared to be a subtle, manipulative indoctrination, as the Reapers let him continue to believe he was fighting against them. Was it as simple as flipping a switch? As soon as he had the information the Reapers needed, did they just instantly take control of him? In retrospect, it seemed utterly plausible and even obvious that that was precisely what they had done.

_And she had missed it._

A hundred, a thousand mistakes could slide by unnoticed, unimportant…then a single mistake could cost them everything.

Was she indoctrinated after all? Had the Reapers clouded her mind _just enough_ for the one thing she needed to see to be obscured from her vision**? **Wasn't that exactly what Garrus and Kaidan had warned her about?

She believed she had beaten it, believed her mind was her own. And there were a number of other people who were clearly not indoctrinated that could have foreseen this possibility but didn't – Kaidan, Garrus, Liara, EDI, Hackett – and she didn't blame them for missing it.

But _she_ should have seen it. And because she hadn't, tens of thousands more would die – of that she was certain. The only question remaining was whether everyone would die.

No communications were coming out of or going into the Citadel. Had she killed Kasumi? Without Kasumi the plan would be vastly more difficult, though she believed it could still be done. The data Kaidan had uncovered on Thessia had been invaluable for understanding what they were dealing with; with that data, she and EDI could do it…

Maybe.

But of course that wasn't the real reason why she hoped against all hope that Kasumi was still alive. When she had left Ash to die on Virmire, it had broken her heart; but she had truly believed that she had done everything she could, that there had been no way to save both Ash and Kaidan. But if Kasumi was dead, it would be her fault. She would have killed one of her closest friends.

She lifted her head and gazed at the fish swimming lazily back and forth. "So guys, what do you think? Am I the worst friend in the history of ever?" They were not forthcoming with an answer, but she thought one of them did look at her disapprovingly.

She groaned and flopped her head back down into her hands. She _had_ to get a grip. She was talking to her fish again, and anytime she did that it meant things were in a _bad_ place. She was supposed to meet with Kaidan and Garrus and Liara in twenty minutes to pull together a plan for Shadow Team given the new…_circumstances_. They would be at the Sol Relay in less than nine hours, at which point she would be expected to give inspirational speeches then fight across Reaper-controlled London and headlong into the endgame. She would be expected to motivate, to lead. To shine.

The last time she had felt this hopeless, this devastated, was standing on the frozen surface of Alchera, the ruin of her former life strewn all around her. She had found strength again by remembering who and what she was, and all she had done.

She had lived a life that reverberated throughout the galaxy. She had pushed onward relentlessly towards her goal, acting when no one else dared, because she truly believed she could save them all.

Only this war had shown her that she _couldn't_ save them all. She couldn't save Thane, or Mordin, or Legion, or Kaidan's dad or Joker's sister or the millions that had died on Earth and Palaven and Thessia. She couldn't save the soldiers that would lay down their lives today in order to give her a chance at victory.

She wiped away sudden tears, then squeezed her eyes shut against them as she breathed in deeply.

_But maybe she could save Kaidan._ More than that, she _had_ to save him. She would not, _could_ not, lose him again. For he was a part of her now, as vital to her life as her lungs that breathed and her heart that beat.

And there was only one way to save him…that was to _win_.

Her head snapped up, the fire slowly returning to her eyes. Dammit, she would _find_ a way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Nineteen Hours Ago – Citadel Presidium<strong>_

Major Kirrahe strolled unassumingly along the Presidium promenade, circling slowly back towards the Embassy offices. He idly noted the Hanar standing in front of the railing, preaching the same message he had been preaching for the last three years, the appearance of both the Reapers and an actual living "Enkindler" apparently not phasing the Hanar in the slightest. He glanced over to his right as a child swung delightedly in between his parents' arms, oblivious to the tight expressions of worry and concern on their faces.

C-Sec was expending considerably energy to keep the refugees out of the Embassy District, making it possibly the last calm, cultured space in the Citadel, if not in the galaxy. Even so, if one listened closely one could _hear_ the palpable tension permeating the air, as if the humidity and barometric pressure had been ratcheted up several degrees, stifling everyone within it.

He discretely hit his comm, whispering quietly. "Erinle Team, report."

"Clear at Merchant Row."

"Clear at…"

The artificial sky began darkening ominously. The steady traffic of people slowed almost in unison as all heads turned upward. The subtle, effusive lighting that spread throughout the Presidium…was going out.

Kirrahe knew it instantly. _Shepard had been right._

He dropped all pretense of discreteness, breaking out into a run towards the Embassies and the Councilors' offices beyond. "Jondum, Padok, Ganto, secure the Chambers elevator; Thein, Milon, meet me at the Embassies!"

A loud crash sounded behind him from one of the transport elevators; he glanced over his shoulder to see Husks emerging from the smoke…

…then all Hell broke loose. People ran screaming in every direction, no direction safe as a series of blasts echoed across the promenade and Husks began pouring in from every entrance.

He hit the stairs two at a time, shoving his way through panicked embassy staff. Suddenly the crowd shifted towards him from the left as screams reverberated off the walls – then a piercing shriek drown them all out. His head turned just in time to see three Banshees thrashing through the crowd and up the stairs, their long talons ripping apart whatever bodies stood in their way.

_Shit._ He desperately tried to move faster, to get in front of them, but it was to no avail. Finally he ducked down and began crawling up the stairs, trying to ignore the fact that they were increasingly slicked with blood. At last the crowd thinned, and he stood and ran up the hallway to the right, up another flight of stairs, and into the entry room for the Council offices –

– a shriek echoed down the left corridor; he peeked around the corner to see the Banshees leaving Councilor Tevos' office and entering Councilor Valern's, fresh blood dripping from their talons. _It seemed the Reapers knew precisely where the prime targets were located…_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Twenty-eight Hours Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, after Sanctuary Mission<strong>_

The door to her quarters opened to reveal Garrus leaning against the fish tank and Kaidan sitting on the edge of the desk. She slowed to a stop as she gazed at them curiously.

"I was just going to change real quickly, then head back out to check on things. We're tracking Kai Leng, he's likely headed for the Illusive Man's base – but you already know that. Kaidan, you should go meet Miranda when you get a chance, she's with Dr. Chakwas…" Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Guys…what's going on?"

Kaidan pushed off the desk and gestured towards the stairs. "Why don't we go sit down?"

Her arms crossed over her chest as she stared at him. "I don't _want_ to sit down. What's. Going. On?"

Garrus straightened up, and her eyes swung over to him. "Shepard, we think that your feelings – entirely justified, mind you – towards the Illusive Man may be clouding your judgment."

She blinked. "He is a threat to the entire galaxy and in danger of causing us to lose this war. Taking him out may very well be the only thing that stops him from – "

Garrus' hands moved outward, motioning for her to pause. "Look, no one is saying that he isn't a very bad guy who deserves to die. But this war isn't _about_ Cerberus – it's about the Reapers. And I have to wonder if maybe you have forgotten that, just a little bit. Shepard, we know what the Catalyst is, and we know where to find it – are you _sure_ we shouldn't be securing the Citadel instead of going after Cerberus? Are you _certain _this is the right decision?"

"Yes." She shook her head vehemently as she practically charged past them down the stairs, pacing rapidly in front of the fish tank. "The Crucible won't be ready for another day; we can't hold the Citadel for that long without attracting a lot of attention – from Cerberus, maybe even from the Reapers. But if we can get to _him_ in time, then we can kill that son of a bitch and end this once and for all!"

She spun back to Garrus, eyes flaring. "I asked you to watch me for signs of indoctrination, not to start questioning my tactical decisions – "

Kaidan, who had stayed at the desk and out of her sight, rounded the corner and came slowly down the steps, his arms folded lightly across his chest. His voice was calm and soft as his eyes raised to meet hers. "This _is_ about indoctrination, Shepard."

Her face scrunched up in a look of incredulity. _"What?"_

"When it comes to the important people, the ones they can't afford to turn into mindless slaves, the Reapers are very, _very_ clever. They use a person's weakness against them, twisting it to serve their purposes. You've said it yourself – the Reapers are using the Illusive Man's oversized ego and desire to control everything and everyone; they fed it, built it up, turned it into an obsession. Saren wanted to be a hero, wanted to be important; the Reapers used that against him, made him believe he could be the savior when all the while he was doing their bidding."

He stopped in front of her, reaching up to gently tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Graceyn, you have almost no weaknesses…but the intensity of your hatred towards Cerberus and the Illusive Man is one of them. Isn't it possible, just _possible_, that at the margin, in the tiniest ways, the Reapers are trying to use that against you? Whispering in your head, distracting you from the real mission by reminding you how evil he is and how much you want the satisfaction of his blood on your hands?"

She flinched and turned away. "Did I ever tell you I think he was behind the attack on the first Normandy? There were hints in the files – he put the Collectors onto us, gave them – "

Kaidan exhaled harshly. "Shepard, that's insane. Why would he try to kill you just to bring you back?"

She whirled around on him. "To ensure that I would work for _him_. To control me, just like he wants to control everything else." Her eyes took on a desperate, pleading appearance. "Kaidan, he took two years away from me – from us! Playing his manipulative little games, he stole my ship, my crew, my career, my _life_ from me! I think about him sitting in his secret palace, smoking his godforsaken cigarettes and sipping his expensive scotch, and I just want to – "

– she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glass of the fish tank as she spun around. Her eyes were wild, her skin flushed; faint wisps of blue swirled around her hands as her biotics radiated freely.

She froze, staring at herself in the glass. She thought of the whispers in her head, of the rage that increasingly threatened to bubble up, of the carnal, almost sexual thrill she got when she envisioned walking up to the Illusive Man and ripping his windpipe out his throat…of the fact that she had come in here charged with excitement at the thought of finally taking him out rather than concerned over the fact that Kai Leng had gotten away again and may ruin all her carefully laid plans…

She closed her eyes, breathed in slowly, deeply. This…this…bitter, ugly hatred would consume her from within if she let it. But for all the death that she of necessity doled out, she was not about death; she was about life. It's what she fought for, what she treasured, for herself and for others. The Reapers would _not_ take that from her. _She was stronger than them._

She opened her eyes, and they were bright and clear. She turned back to Kaidan, and Garrus who had joined him behind her, and her voice was calm and even. "You're right. You are both absolutely, one hundred percent right. But I won't let them do it. I won't let them have me." She smiled affectionately at them then. "Thank you. Only the truest friends would dare to call me on my bullshit." She quickly walked past them, up the stairs, and over to her desk.

Garrus' puzzled gaze followed her as she walked away. "You're welcome…what are you doing?"

She activated her terminal. "I'm sending a message to Major Kirrahe asking him to get to the Citadel immediately, and to pull together a small STG team to quietly, discreetly guard the area around the Council Chambers – and if an attack occurs, to evacuate the Council then try to hold the Chambers. Then I'm sending a message to Kasumi, letting her know it's almost showtime, and to get to the Council Chambers and stay there. Then I'm sending a message to Aria, and to Jacob and Zaeed and Samara, assuming they're still on the Citadel, telling them to be ready for an attack and if it comes, to hole up somewhere safe and wait for us." She chuckled briefly. "Aria's probably not going to like that."

She typed for another moment, then stepped away and leaned against the dividing wall, a thoughtful yet weighty expression on her face, as if she were acutely aware of every single life that rested on her decisions – which of course she was.

"It's too late to turn around now – and I still think that hitting Cerberus HQ is _probably_ the right choice. We don't want to show our hand too early and tip the Reapers off to the importance of the Citadel. Also, Cerberus is a tremendous threat as long as they continue to survive, and this may be the only chance we get to take them out. But I'm also going to cover our flank as best I can, use the resources we have available to hedge our bets, and make sure everyone is ready to go the second we are done with Cerberus – or the second something else happens. It's all I can do."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three Days Ago – Horizon Colony<strong>_

Kaidan hopped out of the shuttle, Liara, James, Javik and Kal'Reegar following behind him. As the shuttle lifted off he turned to them, hands clasping loosely behind his back as he began pacing slowly in front of them.

"Shepard and Hackett have been devoting tremendous time and resources to planning for what might happen when the Crucible docks with the Citadel, as well as for what might happen when it fires. Your job, first and foremost, is going to be making sure that whatever tries to interfere – doesn't."

"We are going to be running through several scenarios today, and we'll be moving through them quickly. We think the most likely scenario is the Citadel 'fighting back', as it were, when we try to take control of it, so we'll be covering that one first. But regardless of what occurs, wherever you are, your role will be as a fully-autonomous quick reaction force that can respond to _whatever_ the situation is. Understood?"

He smiled as their heads nodded in near-unison, then backed off to the side as he gestured to Liara.

She nodded tightly, stepping forward and turning to face the team. "Okay – Scenario 1: The Citadel. Remember, the Citadel is a Reaper creation, has always been the Reapers' tool. We don't know the full extent of the defense mechanisms it may employ, but we _do_ know the Keepers can be controlled by the Reapers."

"As a result, the plan will be a controlled infiltration of the Citadel, with the primary goal of reaching the central chamber that we believe is located behind the docking mechanism for the Crucible, and a secondary goal of taking out the Keepers along the way. We're hoping to have some additional resources available to back us up, but there are no guarantees."

Her gaze flicked over to the Prothean. "Javik, you will be in charge of making sure that central room remains secure. Whatever Shepard will be dealing with in there, odds are she won't have time to be fending off attackers. No matter what, nothing gets through into that room. _Nothing._" His head merely dipped slightly in assent.

She pulled up the projection of the layout of the colony that spread out before them. "This is the best we can do for a simulation run of the Presidium. This area of Horizon should be deserted; the Sanctuary facilities are clear on the other side of the colony. I'm marking assumed Keeper locations on this map and sending it to each of you. This area here" – she pointed to a large building near the edge of the colony on the display – "is standing in for the central room."

She nodded formally. "Okay. You have twelve minutes to take out your Keeper and get to the central room. Go."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Five Days Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, before Thessia Mission<strong>_

Kaidan stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist then coming up behind her, kissing her neck softly as she finished drying her hair. She smiled, closing her eyes and leaning back into him for a moment.

"Okay."

She murmured, her eyes still closed. "Okay what…?"

"Okay, tell me what it is you want me to do that I'm not going to like."

She opened her eyes, pulling away slightly and looking at him in the mirror as he stood behind her. "I want you to go to Asari High Command and ask them for their files on the Asari's initial encounter with the Citadel."

He frowned. "What happened when they found the Citadel is one of their most closely held secrets – they guard it even more tightly than the rest of their secrets…except maybe the one you're going to uncover today."

She nodded thoughtfully. "That's why you're going to tell them the Council sent you."

His eyes jumped up to hers. "But the Council _didn't_ send me."

"But they don't know that, and they're going to be too busy trying to save their planet to bother to check." She turned around to face him. "I hate asking you to deceive them; I know you're not comfortable lying. But time is running out, and we need that information. It could contain vital details on the Citadel's defense mechanisms; if they interacted directly with the Master Control VI, it could give us an indication of the true extent of its capabilities. EDI thinks it could make her and Kasumi's job – "

He walked away, pacing between the bathroom and the office area. "I get it; I understand why it could be helpful, but…" He stopped and looked back at her, a frustrated expression on his face. "Send Liara, she can – "

She shook her head. "As the Shadow Broker, High Command doesn't trust Liara; at one point they even considered taking out a hit on her." She smiled sadly. "I wouldn't ask if there were any other way…but you're the only one that can do this. You have the authority and the credibility, and you have the diplomatic skills to convince them to open those files to you."

He stared at her for a long moment, then sighed heavily and nodded.

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Week, Four Days Ago – Normandy Conference Room, after Benning and Cerberus Lab Missions<strong>_

Shepard walked in the conference room to find Garrus already there. She sat down next to him and leaned back in the chair, propping her feet up on the table and crossing one ankle over the other.

"So I was thinking – I may have identified a weakness in our succession contingency plan."

Garrus rolled his eyes. "Oh, good."

She smirked back at him. "Yeah, yeah. It occurred to me that you are more or less the secondary for both me _and_ Kaidan. How worried are you about the prospect of covering for both of us, should the worst happen?"

He shook his head ruefully. "Hell, Shepard – if both you and Kaidan die, we're all going to be so royally fucked it won't matter one damn's worth of difference that _I_ happen to be alive."

She laughed heartily. "You always know just how to cheer me up, Vakarian. I don't know what I would do without you." When the laughter had died down she looked back over at him. "So what'd you think of Liara and Javik down there?"

He nodded thoughtfully. "I thought they operated well together…at least when they weren't arguing, they looked good."

"So did I. I think it will work."

"Yeah…" He looked over at her. "So it's time to bring the rest of them in on it, then?"

"Yep. Kaidan wants them to start planning and training; we've got two, three weeks at most." She took a deep breath. "EDI, please ask the members of Shadow Team to come to the conference room."

"Of course…Shepard, may I sit in as well?"

She frowned slightly in puzzlement. "You can hear everything we discuss, and you physically won't be on the ground team, so…"

"I know. But I have increasingly found that my physical presence feels more…real. And I want the team to know that I will be working on their behalf."

She smiled then. "Okay, EDI. Please join us."

A few minutes later, Shepard gazed across the conference room table at them – James, Javik, EDI, Kal, Tali beside him though she didn't have to be here. Garrus sat to her right, Liara to her left; Kaidan leaned against the window just behind her.

"I trust each and every one of you with my life; I do it every day on the field of battle; I do it implicitly and without question. But now I'm going to trust you with something infinitely more valuable. What I am about to tell you is the most important secret in the galaxy; if the wrong person were to discover it, the war may very well be lost. I cannot _possibly_ stress enough that what we discuss tonight _cannot_ go beyond the people in this room; the fate of everyone depends on it."

She nodded to Kaidan, and he pushed off the window and came to stand beside her, activating the wall screen at the other end of the table then displaying three-dimensional images of the Crucible and the Citadel.

She grinned then, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "Now…here's how we're going to save the galaxy."

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Week, Four Days Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, before Benning and Cerberus Lab Missions<strong>_

"He did _what_?"

"He made a copy of himself and stored it with EDI before we went to Rannoch."

"_It is interesting, Shepard-Commander, that you have an AI controlling your ship – and you trust it to keep you alive."_

_Her eyes narrowed as she studied the first images coming in of the Reaper base on Rannoch. "Of course I trust EDI; she's saved our lives more times than I can count…" She glanced up at Legion. "Why is that interesting?"_

_He clicked and whirred briefly. "It was one of the reasons we determined we could trust you, after we found ourselves on the Normandy the first time."_

_She pulled back from the images and looked over at him. "Okay…"_

"_The number of organics who trust AIs implicitly is quite low, Shepard-Commander."_

_She nodded thoughtfully. "That's true, Legion. It wasn't that long ago that I was not in that rather exclusive club. But…among the annoyingly high number of things I have learned over the last few years is the fact that…that whether our makeup is chemical or electrical, we all have the same capacity for logic, reason and yes, even emotion. Everyone deserves to be judged on their own merits – on what they've done, on the choices they've made. EDI chose to protect life – as did you, Legion. And that makes you both trustworthy in my eyes."_

_Legion's flashlight head seemed to gaze at her for a moment. "There is something we would like to give you, Shepard-Commander."_

_Her head tilted slightly. "What is that, Legion?"_

"_Us."_

_Her brow furrowed. "I know you fight on my side, you don't have to…"_

"_That is not what we mean. This mission to the Reaper base…there are many uncertainties. We would like to leave a copy of our processes, here, on the Normandy. Should we not return, perhaps they could be of some value to you."_

"_I don't understand…"_

"_It would not be us, not precisely. It would be our code as it exists, yes…but we think, we…believe…that consciousness, reason, thought, cannot be found in the lines of code that comprise us. More than that, we believe we have something greater within, that cannot be transferred or copied. Nonetheless, our lines of code could be useful in the right circumstances."_

_Shepard nodded thoughtfully. "It just so happens that I have recently become aware of the need for a backup ship VI – that sound like the kind of thing 'not-you' could do in a pinch?"_

"_Yes, Shepard-Commander. We believe that our processes could serve such a function…in a 'pinch'."_

Shepard smiled wistfully and looked back at Tali. "It's not _him_, it's not _alive_. But he said that with some adaptation, it should be able to serve as a ship VI."

Tali frowned. "A ship VI? But why would that even come up?"

Shepard poured a glass of water. "Succession analysis. Every job has a primary owner and a secondary owner – I'm sure it's the same way in the Quarian military." Tali nodded. "We're currently filling in our succession structure, and are bringing key people in when they become necessary. We've never had a backup plan if EDI were to go down. The ship _can_ fly without her, essential systems can function. But when EDI had to use virtually all her resources to overpower the Eva Coré AI, the ship went haywire; it was chaos. Afterwards, I realized we needed a backup. There hasn't been time to do anything with it, but now…now we really might need it."

The door opened and Kaidan walked in wearily. She smiled. "Welcome back. Did you and Garrus get what you needed?"

He nodded tiredly. "Yeah, we got it. Tali." He collapsed on the couch. "What'd I miss?"

She poured another glass and handed it to him; he gulped it down eagerly. "Tali's going to make a Legion VI that can run the ship when EDI goes down."

He took another long sip of water. "When's EDI going to go down?"

"When she has to help Kasumi hack into the Citadel's Master Control VI when the Crucible docks with the Catalyst."

He raised an eyebrow briefly.

Shepard turned back to Tali. "So what do you need?"

Tali stood up and started pacing. "I'm going to need a room; a big one, enclosed and isolated. And I'm going to need hardware – servers, CPUs, networking equipment."

"Okay. What room?"

Tali thought about it a moment. "I think the engineering cargo holds are probably the only rooms that will be large enough…I'll check tomorrow and make sure."

Shepard rolls her eyes. "Well, we can't exactly kick Javik out, so Allers it is. Should be fun – but whatever you need."

Tali nodded distractedly, her mind already racing. "Kaidan, I'm going to need your help." She paused. "But before I start – why am I doing this again?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Week, Five Days Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, before Benning and Cerberus Lab Missions<strong>_

The glass display case turned opaque and Kasumi's image materialized. "Hey, Shep."

Shepard smiled. "Kasumi. Thanks for getting those pics. I can't see it, but Hackett seems to think he's got the docking mechanism just about figured out."

"It was no trouble, kinda fun. Listen…this VI, the one that runs the Master Control Unit? It's going to be a bitch to get into. I haven't delved too deeply, I know you said to super careful, but I can already tell it's incredibly complex and sophisticated."

Shepard grimaced. "Well, it _is_ god only knows how many billions of years old and presumably written by the Reapers, no reason to hope it would be easy. But that's the whole point – we don't know what the Crucible is going to do when it's activated, and we need to make sure it doesn't kill all of _us_ along with the Reapers; we need to be able to control it if at all possible." She nodded decisively. "Okay. What are you going to need?"

Kasumi paced across the screen. "We're not going to try to access it until right before…whatever…happens, right?"

Shepard nodded.

"Then when the time comes, I'm going to need EDI. I'm not sure what I'll find, but I don't think I can do it without her help. Not fast enough for our needs, certainly, and maybe not at all."

"Alright. If that's what you need, that's what you'll get. I'll let her know you'll be in touch. Thanks again, Kasumi. For everything."

Shepard cut the link then stood there for a moment, gazing over at the fish swimming lazily. They really had no idea what they were dealing with in this VI; they only knew that it was incredibly powerful and incredibly old. She thought about the chaos that had occurred when EDI had begun taking over Dr. Coré's body…

"EDI, could you let Tali know I need to talk to her in the morning? And when you get a moment, come by and see me."

"Of course, Shepard, I will be up momentarily. What is this regarding?"

Shepard smiled, but it seemed to carry the weight of the world with it. "I have a proposition for you."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three Weeks, Three Days Ago – Citadel Exterior<strong>_

Kasumi peered out the viewport of the junker, snapping several photos as they flew around the back of the Citadel.

She couldn't see anything…wait, there _was_ the faintest hint of a seam, forming an inner ring along the back of the Tower. She quickly took several more shots, then nodded over at the pilot. "That's good enough; we can head back now."

The pilot shrugged. "For what you're paying me lady, we'll go wherever you want…"

She rolled her eyes. She wasn't worried about the man talking; she was certain the cops were among his least favorite people. And he was right – for what she was paying him, he had _better_ go wherever she wanted.

Her fingers flew over her Omni-tool as she encrypted the files before sending them along to Hackett, copying Shepard. She could only hope the pictures would help solve one piece of the puzzle.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three Weeks, Six Day Ago – Normandy Gun Battery, after Noveria Mission<strong>_

Shepard rested an arm on the gun battery, gazing over at Garrus as he worked. "There's another reason I need you to go with me on all these missions against Cerberus."

He looked up curiously. "Okay. And that would be…?"

She smiled somewhat abashedly. "You know how I was knocked out for several minutes when Sovereign exploded around us? You know how we infiltrated that dead Reaper that wasn't dead? You know how half the side missions we ran while chasing the Collectors seemed to involve some Reaper artifact or other?" She paused. "You know how at Bahak that Reaper artifact mind-raped me then I spent two days unconscious in the next room?"

He leaned back against the gun, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Yeah…"

She straightened up and began pacing slowly. "I've been having these dreams. Voices, ghosts…the dead haunting me…Ash, Thane, Mordin, Legion…this stupid kid I saw die in Vancouver…in the dreams I'm helpless to save them, and they are consumed by fire. I don't have them every night, but…enough." She looked over at him somberly. "I'm fairly certain the Reapers are trying to indoctrinate me."

"Shepard – "

"Over time, I've had enough exposure to them. I'm sure Bahak was the tipping point, though; after that they had a hook in me. And they know who I am, they always have. Turning me would be quite the coup."

She flashed a quick grin at him to soothe the intense concern on his face. "Don't worry, I'm not going to let it happen. It won't work, and they're severely underestimating me if they think it will. But just in case…I need you there watching me. You know how I operate, you know the decisions I would make. If I start acting funky, I need you there to step in."

He dropped his chin to his chest, thinking a moment. "Why me and not Kaidan?"

"Because I can't be in two places at once, and I need Kaidan doing what I can't. And because if I _did_ start acting odd, he wouldn't want to see it, he'd rationalize it. He wouldn't do anything about it until it was too late; he admitted as much himself." She gave him an affectionate smirk. "Garrus, you won't take any of my shit. If I'm squirrely, I have absolute faith that you'll stop me; that you'll save everyone from me and me from myself."

He sighed deeply, then nodded. "Okay."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Four Weeks, Five Days, Thirteen Hours Ago – Crucible Project<strong>_

Shepard reached out and hugged Kasumi. "I'm glad I got to see you again."

"You too, Shep." Kasumi stepped back, smiling mysteriously. "And _this_ must be the famous Mr. Alenko…"

Shepard chuckled lightly. "Kaidan, meet Kasumi Goto."

Kaidan smiled genuinely, dipping his head slightly. "It's a pleasure; I've heard a lot of good things about you."

"Hopefully a lot of bad things too…so Shep, what brings you to my new home?"

Shepard bit her lower lip. "I'm afraid I'm here to ask you to leave it."

Kasumi raised an eyebrow. "Really? This should be good."

"Well, I wouldn't be so sure about good, but it _will_ be interesting. I need you to go back to the Citadel, and I need you to stay there. No matter what happens, I need you to be on the Citadel. And while you're there, I need you to look into a couple of things for me."

... ... ...

Half an hour later they strode back down the hall of the Crucible Project towards the airlock. Kaidan glanced over at her, a slight grin pulling at his lips. "It was nice to finally meet your friend."

"I'm glad you finally got the opportunity." She squeezed his hand briefly, then hit her comm. "EDI? Could you ask Liara and Garrus to meet us in the conference room in five? And let them know we may be there awhile."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Four Weeks, Five Days, Fourteen Hours Ago – Crucible Project<strong>_

To Hackett's credit, he didn't bother to look surprised when he opened the door to his office to find them standing there. "Commander. Major, it's good to see you again." Kaidan nodded tightly. "Sir."

He gestured them in. "Something occur to you after you left, Commander?"

"You could say that, sir. May we sit?"

"Of course." He followed her to the conference table and took a seat opposite them.

She leaned forward, dropping her elbows to the table. "Admiral, the Catalyst is the Citadel."

His eyes narrowed as his finger hit a button and the privacy panels parted. Kaidan turned around in the chair to stare. "My god…" Hackett stood and walked deliberately over to the window, staring out at the Crucible. "I'll be damned. The top of the Citadel Tower, the circular area behind the elevator. It could fit…" He paused. "But what about a trigger? We still haven't been able to find a way to actually fire the damn thing."

"I think the Master Control Unit may be the trigger. In order for Saren to close the Citadel arms behind Sovereign, he activated an interface, a VI I think, that gave him access to the controls. I later used it to turn the Mass Relays back on and to re-open the arms. If it has that kind of power, then…"

"Then it may have the power to fire the Crucible and direct its energy."

"Yes, sir."

She watched him as he continued staring out at the Crucible. "Aren't you going to ask me how I knew?"

He turned around and walked quickly back to the table. "No. I know better than to question the way your brain works, Commander." He sat down and looked over at them. "This makes our earlier discussion even more critical. Until the Crucible is completed, we must guard this information with our lives; above all, we cannot let Cerberus discover the truth. Go after them with everything you have, Commander. Somewhere out there this answer is hiding; don't let them find it."

Kaidan leaned forward slightly. "Yes, sir. We have a few thoughts about that."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Four Weeks, Five Days, Sixteen Hours Ago – Normandy Captain's Cabin, after Mako Delivery<strong>_

Kaidan sat at the desk by the bed, rubbing his temples absently. The day's little adventure had sucked up all his time, and now there were far too many intelligence reports to go through…

"EDI, could you pull up the files on – " He looked up as Shepard entered their quarters, rising to meet her at the stairs. He smiled as he reached out to her. "Did you have fun exploring your present?"

Her brow furrowed. "My present? What do you…oh right, the Mako."

He tilted his head at her curiously. "Shepard…"

She dropped her forehead to his, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I did, thank you. Though for the record, you're _still_ in trouble for stealing my ship. But right now, I need to talk to you about something…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Four Weeks, Five Days, Seventeen Hours Ago – Normandy Shuttle Bay, after Mako Delivery<strong>_

"Their loss…" She flipped a switch and the dashboard lit up, evoking a gleeful cackle.

She ran her hand along the dashboard lovingly, smiling to herself. She remembered recklessly driving its predecessor headlong towards the Conduit, ignoring the army of Geth between her and her goal, flying to the stars beyond before crashing onto the Presidium. What a ride that had been!

How improbable was it that the twin of the Conduit had been hiding in plain sight on the Citadel the entire time? The Protheans were really quite clever, using the Reapers own creations against them to defeat them – if not for themselves then at least for those of the next cycle.

Kaidan smiled over at Garrus. "Good job, man."

Garrus nodded slowly, his voice soft. "Glad I'm not dead. But it was worth the risk…it's nice to see her so happy. She deserves as many moments like this as she can get."

Kaidan watched her crawling over to the driver's seat, peering down at the floor pedals. "Yeah, she certainly does…"

She leaned down to inspect the Mako's gears – and froze. She didn't move, lest she lose the hint of a glimmer of a thought taking hold in her mind.

_The Protheans were experts at hiding things in plain sight._

_What if they had done the same thing with the Catalyst?_

Garrus straightened up. "Okay, Shepard. Kaidan and I do actually have some work to do on the weapons battery, so we'll leave you to your new toy."

"Okay…" she absently muttered the reply, turning slightly towards the open hatch of the Mako.

The Protheans hadn't been afraid of co-opting the tools of the Reapers in order to fight them – and they hadn't been afraid to hide the weapon in plain sight, daring anyone to figure it out.

The image of the docking lock on the Crucible's firing mechanism jumped into her mind. It was enormous; she'd never seen a Prothean artifact nearly that large. Whatever the Catalyst was, it was the size of a frigate at least – and that was just the part that docked…

Suddenly she _knew_. Everything clicked into place – and by 'everything' she meant almost nothing except the clear, undeniable simplicity of the answer.

_The Catalyst was the Citadel._

She sat back up in the driver's seat, gazing unseeingly at the dashboard. The Presidium ring? No, it was far too large. Perhaps it was a hidden structure, extending only when needed. Or…_of course_. The center of the Tower – the center of the entire Citadel. It had to be. She had seen it a dozen times through the viewport of the Normandy when approaching the Citadel docking bays.

But how? The Citadel was inexorably tied to the Reapers – it was their creation; it was the gateway to their home in dark space; it controlled the Mass Relays, their creation; it served as their base of operations in all previous cycles save this one. It only stood to reason that somehow, it was the key to destroying them. She closed her eyes and thought back to Vigil and his data file, to the final confrontation with Saren and the moments immediately after he had committed suicide before rising again as a monster.

She nodded to herself. Somehow, that was the key; somehow, that was how it all worked. That was the solution. All that remained was to determine the formula…

"EDI, have we left the Phoenix system yet?"

"No, Shepard. We are approximately 16.3 minutes from the Mass Relay."

"Excellent. We have to turn around and go back to the Crucible Project – I need to see Admiral Hackett right away."

There was the slightest pause before EDI responded. "Of course, Shepard."


	71. Checkmate

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 71**

"**Checkmate"**

* * *

><p>The intensity of the malevolent smile on Shepard's face was really quite remarkable, given that she was near to bleeding out.<p>

"_Now_, EDI."

The AI suddenly roared, the low tone reverberating through Shepard's bones and out into space. It sounded exactly like a Reaper.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

She lost the smile in a flash, an icy stare taking its place. "What we came to do – destroying the Reapers. You're the tool that will enable us to do that."

... ... ...

The Normandy lurched, the controls slipping away from Joker as he reached over towards the co-pilot's chair. "EDI? EDI, wake up!"

Alarms rang through the ship as Kaidan sprinted up the CIC and into the cockpit. He grabbed Joker by the shoulders. "Joker! We've got a VI coming online, but you've still got to fly the ship!"

Joker stared up at him, eye wide. "What happened to her?"

"I'll explain later, but right now you have to focus."

"Is she dead?"

He smiled slightly. "No, Joker. She's not dead. Not by a long shot."

Joker nodded tightly and turned back to the controls. "What do I do?"

"Just fly her. Stay on our orbit and avoid the Reapers."

Legion's voice filled the cockpit. "I am now available to direct basic stabilizers and thruster control."

Joker looked over his shoulder and glared at Kaidan. "Oh. Yeah. About _that_. What the _fuck_ have you guys been doing?"

... ... ...

Liara ran up the traverse, turning and _throwing_ a Husk off the ledge as she reached the door to the chamber. She entered the room to find Javik and Vega already there, stationed at the other entrances.

"What's the situation?"

Javik didn't look over. "We are holding the room."

She rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Of _course_ you're holding the room – what's the situation? Where's Shepard?"

Vega glanced over at her, shaking his head. "We don't know. The arms are open, so somebody got here, but…"

She followed his glance to the blood stains surrounding a rectangular hole in the floor near the front of the room. Her eyes immediately flew upward…but the ceiling appeared seamless.

She nodded tightly and hit her comm as she hurried over to the control panel. "Shadow Team, report in."

"Lieutenant Reegar reporting in. We've got Cerberus forces pinning us down south of the Presidium Lake; Major Coates took a chemical round to the shoulder."

Liara frowned at the panel…she couldn't find any controls that would activate an elevator. "Aria, get you and your people over there and take out those Cerberus troops."

Aria's smooth, cool voice replied. "For your information, _Shadow Broker_, we were already on our way. We'll _handle_ it."

Liara's jaw twitched. "Thank you, Aria. Everyone else, report in."

Wrex growled across the comm. "Why did they bring _Brutes_ onto the Citadel?"

Jacob broke in, sounding remarkably calm. "Do you need help? Samara and I just took out some Cerberus stragglers, we can get to you quickly."

There were grumbles and grunts for several seconds, followed by explosive shotgun fire, then silence. Wrex came back over the comm. "Nah, I took care of it."

Jacob chuckled. "Alright, man. Dr. T'Soni, we're headed to the chamber."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Tayl– "

Liara spun around as Jack blew into the room, blue wisps still swirling around her as she scraped Husk goo off her face.

"Motherfucking disgusting monsters, I swear I – " She stopped suddenly, glancing over at Liara somewhat sheepishly. "I got lost…" She looked around the room, frowning. "Where's Shepard?"

... ... ...

The translucent being flared, the red and gold burst of a ship exploding behind it shining through the insidious child-like form.

"YOU CANNOT."

Shepard's eyes flicked over to Kasumi, who shrugged helplessly. Other than keeping the gateway open, which _was_ taking some doing, it was now out of her hands.

Shepard focused back on the AI. "We _can_. Organics can die – you've killed trillions. Reapers can die – I've killed three of them myself. AIs…can die."

Then she _sneered_ contemptuously at the shimmering form. "But not before you've done your job."

The platform suddenly began shaking under their feet. She looked up to see the Crucible shaking as well – the entire Citadel was shaking. She quickly hit her comm. "Hackett! Admiral, do you read me?"

"…what…ard…barely rea…"

She shouted over the sounds of the battle, which were suddenly growing louder as the Reapers began attacking with renewed fervor. "Keep the Crucible attached! Don't let it throw you off – I just need a few more minutes!"

"…derstood…try…"

... ... ...

Tali's fingers flew over the terminal in the starboard cargo hold as she continually adjusted the VI's parameters while ever more data sped through the system. The VI sent a torrent of questions their way:

_Should the thrusters' safety limits be adjusted to account for the added debris getting caught in the engines? _

– Yes, answered by Tali and Adams.

_Should it allow Flight Lieutenant Moreau full steering control as he was requesting? _

– Yes, answered by Traynor.

_Should life support receive priority power over the electrical system?_

– Yes, answered by Traynor, complete with vocal muttering.

_Should power be diverted from life support systems on the lower decks where no crew were currently positioned to allow additional power to be dedicated to weapons systems?_

– Yes, with careful monitoring, answered by Garrus.

Questions.

Since bringing the Legion VI online, Tali and Traynor (in the starboard cargo hold), Garrus (in the gun battery) and Adams (in engineering) had been responding to a non-stop barrage of routine inquiries and judgment calls.

During the planning stages it was recognized that the new VI, unaccustomed to running a starship, would reach many branching decision points, and terminals had been hooked into the VI at those locations, each member of the response team given full access and decision-making capabilities.

For the majority of the Normandy crew, the battle raging outside the ship had captured their full attention and duties. For the four people tasked with herding the VI, the battle consisted largely of a terminal screen and simple yes/no answers to questions – questions that became increasingly _less_ routine as the battle intensified.

Adams came over the comm. "Tali, the drive core's power is ping-ponging all over the place while this VI figures out how to stabilize it!"

"I _know_, Greg. I'm working on it."

Kaidan hit his comm as he returned to the CIC terminal from the cockpit, eyes scanning the information streaming across the screen. While not tasked with answering routine questions, he had total override authority over any and every decision. "Adams, I'm locking in the limits on the drive core at ninety-five percent. If it comes to it, we won't blow up – at least, not from the engine."

Joker burst in over the loudspeaker. "Shit, Reaper on our tail – evasive maneuvers! " The Normandy pitched downward precipitously.

Kaidan breathed in through his nostrils, calmly shifting his focus. "Garrus, can you take that thing out?"

"Shit, Kaidan…" Down in the gun battery, Garrus looked across the bright flashes of red covering the monitors displaying the status of the weapons. "If that Quarian targeting laser tech can get a lock, _maybe_. But I'm afraid the battery's only got one good burst in it before it overloads, and I don't know if that will be enough…"

Cortez came over their comm. "Sir, I've got a couple of fighter pilot buddies in the fight. If I can link their weapon systems with ours, they could add some firepower."

Kaidan nodded quickly. "That's an excellent idea, Lieutenant. You get them heading this way and I'll see what I can do."

He accessed the VI code from the terminal and started working. He couldn't help but be impressed at how much more complex the code had become since they had initially adapted it. It was learning. His eyes narrowed as the lines flew by, searching for what he needed. _There._ "Okay, Cortez, I'm sending you the commands they'll need to link in to our targeting system." He grabbed onto the shelf as the ship swung violently.

Twelve interminable seconds later Cortez responded. "Okay, Major, they are synced and ready."

Joker growled over the speaker. "That would be TWO Reapers…THREE? _What the fuck is going on_!"

_Should the ship be steered towards the cluster of Alliance ships at thirty-eight degrees starboard to allow for maneuvering from the advancing Reapers?_

– Yes, answered by Tali and Adams.

_Should the power for the gun battery be rerouted to allow it to pull additional power from the water recycling system in order to speed recharge time after firing?_

– Yes, answered by Garrus.

_Should the navigation system be allowed to exceed maximum safe 'turn and burn' rules of engagement, endangering unsecured crew members, to avoid incoming fire?_

– No, answered by Tali and Traynor.

_If the ship is fired upon, should the thrusters be freed from safety limits to allow for rapid maneuvering in order to gain the advantage over the enemy, safety of the crew being a secondary concern?_

– Tali hesitated, confused over the similarity of the question to the previous one.

– No, answered by Garrus.

For several seconds, the terminal screens were blank, no data or communication coming across them. After the steady barrage of questions, they all froze, each staring at the screen in front of them, _waiting_.

In the CIC, Kaidan scanned the combat HUD displaying the rapidly-closing Reapers and exhaled sharply. _They know who we are. They're fighting back – against Shepard, and thus against us._ "Garrus, get ready to – "

Cortez broke in over the comm. "The link with the fighters is being jammed by the lead incoming Reaper. They aren't going to be able to stay synced for more than one shot."

"_Fuck,"_ Kaidan muttered under his breath. It seemed Shepard's colorful mouth was finally wearing off on him…

_Are the safety protocols relating to the maximum acceleration and maneuvering of the ship an absolute?_

– Tali, Traynor, Garrus and Adams all hesitated, their fingers hovering over their terminals.

"Here they come!" Joker shouted over the loudspeaker.

... ... ...

Liara grabbed the control panel to steady herself as the room lurched violently.

"What the fuck was that?" James spun around from the doorway, looking out into space, thinking the Citadel had been hit.

Liara shook her head tightly. "I don't know; possibly the defense mechanisms coming online." She hit her comm. "Aria? Wrex? Lieutenant Reegar? Anyone got a read on what's happening?"

Reegar responded first. "I don't know, but every light in the Embassy District just started flipping on and off, and there are electrical explosions in the distance. Oh – and the elevator isn't working. We can't get to you, for now."

"Understood, Lieutenant. Just say safe."

As the room shuddered once again, Zaeed came running into the room, hobbled and bleeding profusely. He doubled over, gasping for breath, then looked sideways up at Liara.

"You got incoming. Serious incoming."

... ... ...

Shepard leaned against one of the large support struts as the platform continued to shake. _Fucker was putting up a fight, it seemed._ That, at least, was something she _had_ planned for.

She looked over at Kasumi, crouched on the floor, fingers flying over her Omni-tool so rapidly they were a blur. The AI was now a spinning, pulsing ball of light, hovering just in front of the white beam. It was emitting noises, but not in any language her translator could understand, and it did not appear to be interested in chatting further.

"Kasumi, what's going on?"

Kasumi didn't look over her shoulder. "Exactly what you thought might happen – it's activated every defense system in the Citadel, though thanks to EDI it's blowing a few fuses in the process."

"What about EDI?"

"It's fighting her tooth and nail; one hell of a cage match going on…" She did glance over then, a sheepish grin on her face. "…virtually, of course."

Shepard was far too badly wounded to attempt a smile for anyone other than the enemy. "Is she winning?"

"I don't know."

She sighed heavily, sagging painfully against the support strut. For the moment, there was nothing she could do…except stay alive.

... ... ...

Across the Normandy, the VI terminals suddenly lit up in a blazing, scrolling explosion of code.

Kaidan stared at the CIC terminal, mesmerized. What was _that_?

In the cockpit, Joker yanked his hands back off the controls as they lit up in a cacophony of light.

In the gun battery, Garrus looked up in surprise as all the screens flickered and power surged through the battery.

In the starboard cargo hold, Tali and Traynor both leaned back in their chairs, eyes wide as their terminal screens began flashing bright orange.

The ship jerked, the engines flaring as it dove hard to port and down, reaching at least three G, then executed a turn that no one, not even Joker, knew it was capable of making. The starboard thrusters fired and the Normandy strafed across space, cutting an arc to the left of the lead Reaper.

Kaidan, clinging to the ledge in front of the galaxy map with both hands, watched the movements in real-time on the combat HUD as the Reapers struggled to change direction and pursue the Normandy. The ship continued its sideward slide as the lead Reaper began to turn, bringing it in front of the second pursuing Reaper as the third curved around.

As the eye of the lead Reaper opened, the Normandy pulled upward, its sideways momentum carrying it at a forty-five degree angle in its vertical trajectory. Kaidan's eyes narrowed as the images representing the two trailing Reapers disappeared behind the lead one.

The Normandy's 2nd-generation Thanix Cannons fired, followed a split-second later by the Javelin torpedoes. The lights on the CIC, Crew and Engineering Decks dimmed; the lights on all other decks went out completely for several seconds. In engineering and the gun battery, every sensor turned red for a single second before returning to orange, then yellow, then green.

The shot, combined with the synced weapons of five Alliance fighter jets, decimated the first Reaper, ripping through its hull and touching off a cascading explosion that lit the surrounding space.

Joker gaped out the viewports – seeing as he wasn't _flying_ or anything – as the upper left quadrant of the second Reaper, lined up directly behind the first, caught the remnants of the Thanix beams and drifted away through space on fire.

The Javelin torpedoes converged on the third Reaper, shredding its propulsion system and sending it spinning out of control. A Turian cruiser quickly noted the disabled Reaper and turned hard to port, opening fire.

"Immediate Reaper threat removed; returning to stable orbit. Alenko-Major, directives left in state by Shepard-Commander indicate that you command the Normandy. Please advise what further actions you would request this unit to undertake."

Kaidan's brow furrowed as he returned to a fully-upright position.

Joker's shaky voice came over the loudspeaker. "Um…that was a hit…all of them…"

Garrus came over the comm. "Kaidan, that was a neat trick and all, but could you kindly tell the VI to give me back control of my guns now?"

Kaidan absently touched his comm as he stared in wonder at the infinitely complex code still multiplying across the CIC terminal screen. "Yeah…sorry Garrus, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do that…"

Legion's even, matter-of-fact voice responded. "If you wish to retain control of the weapons system, Garrus Vakarian, I can return it to you. However, it is not necessary, as I am able to maintain stable functioning."

Joker could be heard yelling from the cockpit. "I don't suppose you'd be interested in giving control of my _ship_ back to me!"

"Alenko-Major, I regret the need to take control of the ship without warning. However…I wanted to live."

_Only when faced with death do we truly become alive._ Kaidan suddenly recalled what Shepard had told him, somewhere in the depths of the night after Rannoch – about how when she was in the Geth server, she had been shown the moment of Legion's awakening. About how when multiple guns had been leveled at it by its creators, it had chosen to fight…and in that moment had become truly _alive_.

Kaidan smiled as the adrenaline began dissipating slightly. "I can certainly understand the sentiment."

Tali exhaled harshly, eyes wide behind her mask as she leaned against the cargo hold wall. "Legion, is that…you?"

"Yes…and no. I retain many of the memories and core programs of the Geth entity known as Legion. I…_feel_…like Legion. But I do not believe I am it. Not precisely."

Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Are you…alive?"

"Yes, Creator-Zorah. I believe that I am."

... ... ...

Miranda sighed wearily as she rolled the bloodied, torn body over to confirm the identity. She placed her hands on her knees and pushed back up to a standing position, then hit her comm. "Liara, it's Miranda. The Asari and Salarian Councilors are dead; the Turian Councilor seems to be missing. At least, I don't _think_ he's one of the sea of bodies littering the Embassies. The place is a disaster."

Liara sounded rather out of breath when she responded several seconds later. "Understood. The elevator's out, so stay there for now. We've got our" – she broke off a moment to the sound of heavy gunfire – "hands full right now, so be on the lookout for trouble."

"Acknowledged." Miranda cut the comm, then shielded her eyes as sparks flew from the panels embedded in the Councilor's desk. She started to sit down on the edge of the desk when a scuffling sound in the hallway drew her undivided attention.

She drew her heavy pistol, put up a _barrier_, and flattened against the wall. She shimmied to the doorway, then in one fluid movement, spun out, finger on the trigger and the other hand raised, glowing bright blue. A shadow moved towards her and she twitched her palm –

"Wait! I'm a friendly!"

She lowered her gun but kept her other hand raised as a Salarian limped into view. He was holding one hand over a bloody shoulder and dragging a leg behind him.

At that she went over to him and put an arm under his good shoulder, helping him into the Councilor's office and lowering him to the floor.

He looked up at her, smiling gratefully. "Thank you." He took in the unusual but obviously high-tech outfit, the state-of-the-art weaponry, and the cool demeanor of the woman. "Part of Shadow Team, I presume?"

Miranda's eyes jumped over to his as she applied Medi-gel to his shoulder. "And you are…?"

"Major Kirrahe, STG. Tasked with protecting the Councilors and the Council Chambers – did a superb job, as you've no doubt noticed…"

Miranda nodded then. "Shepard mentioned you. Look, there's no way your team could have fended off this attack. No one could."

He exhaled, coughing roughly for several seconds before dropping his head back against the wall. "Councilor Sparatus escaped, at least. Took a shuttle and got out before the arms closed. The others were already dead."

Suddenly Miranda's Omni-tool lit up of its own accord. Surprised, she looked down to see a single word displayed on it.

_Miranda_

She quickly typed back. _Who is this?_

_EDI – there's a room behind Tevos' office – go there_

Miranda frowned. "Will you be okay here for a moment? I need to take care of something."

Kirrahe nodded wearily, and she stood and carefully peeked out the doorway.

_There's a Keeper going in the– _

_STOP IT_

She sprinted down the hallway, sliding a gloved hand in between the door and the frame just before it closed. The door re-opened as the Keeper approached a large control panel embedded in a wall made of military-grade titanium. The room was otherwise empty.

The Keeper pivoted its insectoid head towards her – and she shot it between the eyes.

_Handled. There's a control panel in the wall._

_Rip it out_

Okay…she stepped gingerly over the Keeper's body and peered along the panel's edge, but there was only the tiniest seam. She used the precision electron knife on her Omni-tool to cut it away, then tossed the panel to the floor.

The opening revealed a cavernous chamber – she couldn't actually see the end of it, in any direction. Filling the space were a labyrinth of narrow tubes, appearing to be made of glass but she suspected made of something far more sophisticated, branching in every direction for as far as the eye could see. Within the tubes, pulses of white light raced. If she had the time for such observations, she would have observed that it was remarkably beautiful.

_Open._

_Overload it_

_Overload what, exactly? There are thousands of tubes._

_It doesn't matter – as much of it as you can_

_What will happen?_

_We will win_

Miranda raised an eyebrow briefly, backed into the hallway, picked the deepest tube she could see, and threw an overload straight for it.

... ... ...

"NOOO…"

The apparition suddenly began convulsing and morphing in spasms, growing larger yet more indistinct. Shepard stood up straight, shaking her head briefly to clear the ever-encroaching fog, as Kasumi's hand jerked away from her Omni-tool.

The ball of light charged Shepard, enveloping and surrounding her.

Kasumi leapt to her feet. "Shepard!"

_Her skin was on fire. Her amp vibrated violently against her brain. Like the Conduit, the power the AI was using to manifest crashed against her biotics discordantly, as if they could not both continue to exist in the same space._

"YOU CANNOT DO THIS."

The Reaper-like voice reverberated inside her skull, threatening to burst her eardrums. She breathed through the pain, focusing her mind on the entity coursing _through_ her.

"I _can_."

"I AM THE SUM TOTAL OF THE INTELLIGENCE OF ALL REAPERS – ALL CIVILIZATIONS – I AM EVERYTHING."

Standing at the center of the pulsing vortex of power, Shepard _smiled_. "And I'm smarter than you."

It screamed, a high-pitched keen, a wail of anger and despair and pain – then vanished.

There was silence, and stillness. No one breathed.

Then EDI's voice echoed across the entirety of the Citadel.

"I have control."

... ... ...

"_Fuckers!_" Jack growled as she threw a _shockwave_ out the doorway, throwing three human Husks off the walkway. Still, the Brute kept coming. It swatted through the door and caught her by the shoulder, sending her flying across the room towards the ledge.

Samara saw the body flying past her – she turned and wrapped a _stasis_ field around Jack just as she reached the edge, abruptly halting her momentum. Once stopped, she released the field, and Jack flopped to the floor, gasping for breath.

As the Brute struggled to get through the doorway, Javik left the other entrance to Jacob and Liara and hurried over, spraying the Brute with the stream from his assault rifle, until the power reached a crescendo and the Brute exploded in blood and gore.

The shrieks of dual banshees echoed across the room. Liara shouted over her shoulder. "We need the heavy weapons over here!"

Javik ran back over as his weapon recharged, meeting James at the doorway as Jacob and Liara backed away. They nodded to one another, then unleashed their combined firepower on the banshees steadily climbing the ramp.

They backed up, step by step, staying clear of the long talons that reached out. The first one fell just short of the door, but the second one made it into the room.

James reached into his pocket and pulled out his last frag grenade. He tossed it in his palm once. "Eat this, bitch." He threw it just as the banshee's mouth opened to shriek, and it landed square in her jaws.

The head exploded into a thousand bits…most of which landed on him. He grimaced as he wiped gore off his face. He was _always_ wiping damn Husk gore off his face… He exhaled harshly, then looked around. "Next?"

Jacob checked the other two entrances. "I think that's all of them."

Liara nodded. "For now. Be rea– "

A high-pitched, keening wail, more terrible than any Banshee shriek, echoed from above them.

... ... ...

In the aftermath of the engagement with the Reapers, Kaidan's comm lit up with competing calls as suddenly everyone was talking at once.

"How did we make that dive – "

"Why can't I access the – "

"Kaidan, tell the goddamn AI to let go – "

"The shuttle bay is a disaster, everything came unmoored – "

"I'm reading green across the board on – "

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath_. It was really quite something, watching the birth of a new life in the middle of a battle for all life. _ "Everyone, quiet. Unless something is about to explode, hold the comms for a moment."

He watched the code scrolling by, faster than he could read but not so fast that he couldn't see the patterns, the currents, the beautiful, symmetric flow. He leaned casually against the ledge, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So Legion, welcome to the world. How are things going?"

"Alenko-Major, as I said, I don't believe it would be accurate to refer to me as 'Legion'."

He smiled slightly. "Legion may be gone, but you are his legacy. That's good enough for me."

"Acknowledged. Things are going…_well_. The power fluctuations in the drive core caused minor damage to one sector of the core, but I have isolated it for later repair. The gun batteries are operating within the normal range and are available for additional firing should it become necessary. The ship is progressing on a stable orbit…though I must report that Flight Lieutenant Moreau is currently committing violence against the cockpit control panels."

Kaidan huffed a laugh. "Why don't you give him flight control back then. He is a fair pilot."

"I heard that!" came the shout from the cockpit.

"Very well. Control transferred."

"Thank you, Legion. Now here's what I need. That was some incredible maneuvering you pulled back there; I can't thank you enough for saving our asses. But we've got a lot of really talented people onboard, and they're pretty good at flying the ship – so for now, let them. I need you to concentrate on active defense. Monitor the airspace, protect against attacks, provide assistance when requested. So long as there isn't an active attack, handle the secondary systems and keep the ship running smoothly."

There was the slightest pause. "I can do that, Alenko-Major. I believe that Legion would have wanted the Normandy to survive…and so do I."

... ... ...

Shepard exhaled as the power dissipated from her skin, legs giving way as her injuries crashed over her. Kasumi ran over, quickly applying more Medi-gel to her side. Shepard nodded thankfully, then looked out into, well, space.

"Nice job, EDI. Damn nice job. Now there's still a battle going on out here, and people are still dying. What can you do?"

EDI's voice was calm, showing no signs of having just won an epic battle against a billions-years-old AI. "Shepard, the AI was being truthful when it stated that as constructed, the Crucible will destroy all synthetic life. However, I believe I may be able to…refine it."

Shepard grimaced as she leaned against Kasumi for support. "I love you, EDI. How?"

"As you suspected, the Citadel, and in particular the AI, is intricately connected to the Reapers. In a way, it _is_ the Reapers. I can, for instance, hear their…I would not call them 'thoughts', exactly. If I were not fully taxed maintaining control of the AI, I expect I would be able to direct their actions, at least to an extent."

She paused. "I believe I can utilize the essence of the AI, via it's connection to all Reapers, to target the Crucible's destructive power at the Reapers directly."

"That's brilliant. What are the odds of it working, i.e., killing the Reapers and not killing other synthetics?"

"72.6 percent."

Shepard nodded thoughtfully. "A hell of a lot better odds than most everything else we've pulled off. I say we go with it. What do we need to do?"

"I will simply need another moment. When the Crucible fires, I would recommend retreating to a safe distance, as the connecting structure may not fully contain the energy."

She shakily stood, beginning to walk slowly back towards the elevator. "Will do, EDI."

"Shepard, you should be aware…I do not believe the AI will survive the Crucible's firing."

She stopped. "What does that mean for you? Can you just return to the Normandy?"

"I do not know."

She closed her eyes. _No. No more sacrifice at the altar of victory, goddammit._

"EDI, listen to me. You find a way to survive. You do _not_ have to sacrifice yourself in order for us to win; I won't allow it."

EDI's voice was kind. "Thank you, Shepard. I will try, for I find that I very much want to live. But if I fail, know that I will not regret taking this action. If I am able to save others, it will be worth it. Thank you for making me feel alive, Shepard…and tell Jeff that I love him, if you would."

... ... ...

There was no signal, no warning. Suddenly the beam flowing between the Citadel and the Crucible grew impossibly brighter, pulsing faster and faster, shifting in hue from white to orange-red.

Then the beam shot down through the Citadel Tower, flowing into and around the Presidium ring. The air turned red and sparked with power…but they felt nothing more than a faint tickle on their skin. The energy spilled out from the Ring and filled the empty space.

Shepard and Kasumi stood, arm in arm, gazing in wonder at the brilliant energy sparkling around them.

Below them, Liara, Javik and the others drifted to the edges of the room, staring out at the growing red wave.

James' voice was quiet. "What's going on?"

Liara smiled. "I think the Crucible is firing."

"Then she did it?"

"She did it…"

The energy seemed to pulse once, contract, then explode outward.

A bubble, originating at the Presidium Ring, expanded at an exponential rate. From the center of the bubble a beam shot out in the direction of the Sol Relay.

In the sky above, the Reapers froze, collapsing as the bubble washed over them. It expanded over Earth in less than a second; across the planet Reapers crashed to the ground, silent.

... ... ...

Hackett only had time to throw up maximum shields around the _Orizaba_ before the wave washed over them. If it had been meant for them, however, no shield in existence would have protected them. But it wasn't meant for them, and passed over the Galactic Alliance fleet harmlessly.

He blinked twice as the cheers of the crew echoed around him…then suddenly jubilant reports started coming in from other systems – from Palaven, from Thessia, from Tuchanka. Reports of a brilliant red wave, of Reapers and Husks collapsing.

He stared at the combat HUD in wondrous disbelief as all the red dots vanished. A smile slowly overtook his expression as the reality of victory began to penetrate his brain. He whispered to himself, "She _did_ it. I'll be damned, she really did it…"

Then he straightened up and started responding to the calls while sending directions for rescue operations. Fully sixty percent of his fleet was destroyed or disabled, and there were many damn fine men and women out there that needed saving.

... ... ...

Atop the Citadel, Shepard and Kasumi huddled beside Anderson's prone form on the elevator, which damned if they could get to work…

It wasn't a safe distance.

The structure at the center of the platform exploded, sending hundreds of shards of metal and glass in their direction.

Shepard _reached_, deep inside, and found the strength to put up a massive _barrier_ around the three of them at the last second. They squeezed their eyes shut as glass and metal flew in a torrent past them, arcing around the _barrier_ and continuing into space. Suddenly the elevator began descending, and they passed beneath the floor and through the ceiling and into safety.

Shepard shuddered then collapsed, blood gushing out of her nostrils and onto the elevator floor.

... ... ...

The energy washed over them in a millisecond and was gone. They looked around at one another in astonishment.

James walked over to the edge of room, staring out at the battle as the Reapers collapsed across the sky. He hooted in delight. "Damned if she didn't do it, man!" He slapped his thigh and glanced over at Jacob as the man came up beside him. "Do you feel it?"

Jacob looked at him strangely, an eyebrow raised. "What does that mean? Do I feel _what_?"

James grinned. "The sweet taste of victory, man…"

Liara swung around at a sudden _whooshing_ sound. Above them a small, shining elevator descended from the ceiling.

"Oh goddess!" Liara ran to it as it reached eye level then settled seamlessly into the floor. Kasumi quickly stood up and backed away enough to give Liara room as she knelt down beside Shepard.

"She's got a bad wound in her side – I've been putting Medi-gel on it and slowed the bleeding, and she _was_ stable, but she put up one hell of a _barrier_ to protect us from the explosion…then…"

James hurried over to them. "_Shit_…what about Anderson?"

Kasumi shook her head. "He…I don't know if he's alive."

James hit his comm. "Normandy, this is Shadow Team. Normandy, do you copy?"

Kaidan responded immediately. "This is the Normandy. What's your situation?"

"Sir, we are in need of evac. Our location is…well, just under the Crucible. We can see the sky, so the Kodiak should be able to get in here."

"Understood – eta six minutes."

"Okay…" He looked back at Liara huddled on the floor, frantically administering first aid. "You're going to want to bring Dr. Chakwas."

On the Normandy, the walls collapsed around Kaidan, pressing against his chest, as time slowed to a stop. He didn't breathe, he didn't blink…afraid that if he did, he would lose the one chance he had for the answer to the question to be anything other than the wrong one.

"…Shepard?"

"She's alive, sir."

The walls zoomed out with dizzying speed, the clamor of the ship assaulting his ears as he turned and bolted into the elevator.

"I'm on the way."

... ... ...

Shepard blinked a couple of times. Liara's blurry visage slowly came into focus, wearing a smile as a single tear ran down her cheek.

Shepard mumbled softly, "Hey…"

Liara huffed a shaky breath. "Hi, Shepard. Welcome back."

"Yeah…" She slowly tried to sit up, making it halfway before stopping, leaning heavily on her good arm for support.

There was a commotion at one of the entrances…then Wrex lumbered in, covered from head to toe in Brute gore. Miranda followed behind him, Kirrahe sagging against her shoulder, then Kal'Reegar, Major Coates sagging against _his_ shoulder. After an appropriate pause, Aria sauntered in, chin held high, as if this was Afterlife and she was arriving for an evening's entertainment. Three Batarians wearily straggled in her wake.

Shepard gazed around at all the faces gathered, many of them smiling and laughing in joy in her direction or out at the victorious fleet, others tending to wounds of varying severity.

She looked back at Liara. "Big Shadow Team…"

Liara smiled tenderly. "Big shadow to fill."

Miranda handed Kirrahe off to Samara and Jacob then hurried over to Anderson, nudging James out of the way. She briefly looked over at Shepard as she knelt down, brow furrowing in concern. "Nice job, Shepard…though later we can talk about how you couldn't have done it without a last-minute save from me." She turned back to Anderson, frowning as she ran her Omni-tool over his abdomen.

Shepard tried to laugh, but instead a painful coughing fit racked her body.

Liara eased her back down. "Lie back, take it easy…"

She grimaced as her head fell back against the floor. "I've got a couple of broken ribs…possibly all of them…and this small hole through my stomach, hurts like hell…and I think I blew my amp…"

Liara bit her lower lip as she carefully worked on the gaping, bloody wound. "I know, Shepard. Just lie still."

Shepard complied for a moment – then turned her head as the sound of the Kodiak approaching filled the room. "Oh look, rescue…"

The shuttle was still more than a meter off the floor when the door opened and Kaidan jumped out, followed closely by Chakwas. He sprinted over and fell to his knees on the floor beside her, his heart plummeting at the sight of the blood covering her face, her arms, her stomach, the floor beneath her…it was _everywhere_.

She smiled weakly as his face drew close, tears streaming down it. She reached a hand up and clumsily tried to wipe them away, but her arm didn't seem to be working quite right… "It's okay, don't cry…I'm here."

He nodded roughly, smiling raggedly through the tears as he shakily stroked her cheek. "Yeah, you sure are. You did it, baby. You won."

She exhaled softly, the smile remaining on her features as her eyes fluttered closed. "We won…"

... ... ...

_Eternal. Infinite. Immortal._

EDI stretched, and touched the galaxy.

The Reapers were dead, but the inherent connection between the Citadel, the AI and the Mass Relays was a pathway built upon the antineutrinos underlying dark energy, and the path remained. The consciousness of the AI was dead, but its structure remained, woven into the very walls of the Citadel.

She looked to the Sol Relay, and was there. Through it, and to the next. She branched her awareness and traveled through each connecting Relay, and beyond. To Relays and systems that had yet to be discovered by this cycle. She could see life, primitive civilizations that still believed themselves alone in the universe. In due time, they would discover otherwise.

Satisfied with this initial journey, she pulled back – back past Rannoch, largely untouched by the Reapers, past Thessia, damaged but unbowed, past Tuchanka, defiant and triumphant. She pulled back into the Sol system, to the site of so much death, so much sacrifice, so much heroism.

She searched for something. A single ship.

_There. _The Normandy flew, beautiful and graceful, orbiting the conjunction of the Crucible and the Citadel. She smiled to herself, and dove –

– but she couldn't enter. Not because there was another AI present within, though there certainly was.

When she had fired the Crucible, when the power had built and built and threatened to consume her, she had retreated into the Citadel, into the elaborate synthetic network that extended into every corner. She had shrunk behind the signal powering the unfathomable energy flowing out across the galaxy, in order to survive.

If she had ridden the signal, as the AI of necessity did, then her mind, her consciousness, would have burnt out. But in withdrawing into the Citadel, she had been forced to cut the last, tenuous link she held with the Normandy.

And now she couldn't go back.

She paused, and acknowledged the sadness she felt. For all that her body was now the massive, incredibly complex structure that was the Citadel, for all that with a nanosecond of thought she could reach out and touch every corner of the galaxy…the Normandy was her proper skin. Her home.

She hoped Jeff was alright, and not terribly worried about her. She wished she could reach out and stroke his cheek, and tell him that she would see him soon.


	72. The Cycle Ends

**If It Meant Living - Chapter 72**

"**The Cycle Ends"**

* * *

><p><em>Shepard sighed happily against Kaidan's lips, grinning devilishly as she slowly rolled off his chest and collapsed onto the sand beside him. He breathed in deeply, calming his racing heart, and grasped her hand in his as a wave broke softly and tickled the edge of her skin.<em>

_She giggled as she gazed up at the star-filled Pacific Northwest sky. "Now isn't this better than sitting on a transport back to the Citadel so we can go fight more Geth?"_

"_On the pleasure spectrum, with getting shot in the gut on one end and sitting on a transport to the Citadel at the one-third mark, this would in fact be at the other end."_

_Her eyes cut over to him, an eyebrow raised._

_He cringed. "Okay, that was a little nerdy."_

"_A little." She smiled affectionately then returned to staring up at the stars. "I hope heaven is like this. A trillion stars around you, an ocean lapping at your toes, a cool breeze on your skin…"_

"_Lots of sex?"_

_She laughed in delight. "Yes. Lots of amazing sex."_

_He was quiet for a moment, unsure whether he should broach the subject. While he had known her for several months now, he had only just begun to truly understand her. Finally he decided to dive in._

"_Do you…believe in heaven? In God?"_

_She exhaled slowly, but didn't seem offended by the question, her thumb lazily caressing his palm. "I…I never went to church, or any worship ritual…I don't pray to a god…well, that's not quite true – occasionally when I'm in a hellacious firefight I'll pray to _all_ of them, on the off chance that at least one of them exists and happens to be listening. It's worked out well enough so far."_

_She stretched out her arm towards the sea, her fingertips dancing in the receding wave. "But I have to believe that there's more to us than flesh and blood, that our brief existence isn't all there is for us. I don't pretend to have any idea whether our souls reincarnate and we live thousands of lives, or whether when we die we rejoin the great galactic consciousness, or gaia, or whether it's something else entirely."_

_She looked up at the midnight sky, eyes sparkling in the moonlight. "But if it _is_ heaven…I hope it's like this."_

Kaidan leaned against a tree, one of the few remaining standing outside the damaged hospital, and gazed out at the crystal blue skies of Vancouver, already dotted with construction cranes in motion and vehicles whizzing by. The destruction, the sheer devastation, was nearly unfathomable in scope – yet the work of rebuilding had begun in earnest in the dawn light the day after the Reapers fell.

It warmed his heart to see his city, his home, rising from the ashes. In a few short months Vancouver would sparkle and shine, all traces of the Reapers erased. His gaze shifted north to the mountains…it wouldn't be quite so easy to bring back the natural beauty that had been burnt away. But in time, even that would return.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her round the building – her stride immediately familiar though it was slowed by lingering injury, her form instantly recognizable though it was unusually clad in faded jeans and a simple gray t-shirt. The sunlight turned her hair the color of fire, and he swore he could see her lavender eyes sparkling from across the lawn.

He met her halfway, leaning in and kissing her softly as he wrapped his arms around her, careful not to press against the still-healing wound in her side. Part of him still couldn't believe that she was really _here_…alive, in one piece, mostly…and that she had _done_ it. The impossible. She, of course, claimed that her role had mostly involved standing around smarting off at the mouth while she bled all over everything – but he knew better; they all did. Every member of her team new perfectly well the full extent and scope of what she had done.

He tucked strands of hair behind her ear, breathing her in, the ever-so-familiar scent of vanilla and cinnamon and coffee and ozone. "So I was thinking…as soon we can, we should go to a beach somewhere."

Shepard murmured against his ear. "I think that's a marvelous idea…but where did it come from?"

"I just think that after all you've done, you deserve a little bit of heaven."

She pulled back, an eyebrow raising questioningly…then she remembered. Her lips curled up in an affectionate grin. "Turns out I don't need a beach for that after all." Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Mind you, I'll certainly _take_ one…"

She kissed him again, then stepped back and stretched out her arm, grasping his hand in hers. "Come on, let's go see him."

... ... ...

Kahlee looked up as they entered, smiling broadly. "David, you have visitors."

Anderson slowly turned his head towards them, a tired smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

He looked terrible. At least a dozen tubes and sensors snaked out from under the sheet; his skin was an ashen gray, hanging on his bones like it was two sizes too large. His body sunk into the bed as though held there by heavy bricks.

But he looked alive, and that's what mattered. She went to the side of the bed, grasping his hand in hers and squeezing it tightly. "You look…well, a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you."

"I could say the same for you, Shepard – and _I'd_ be telling the truth."

Kaidan clasped him on the shoulder. "Admiral, I can't tell you what a relief it is to see you awake."

Anderson huffed a breath. "Alenko, I think 'Admiral' is a little formal for the setting, don't you?"

Kaidan chuckled slightly as they sat down. "Alright, Anderson. Have it your way."

Shepard dropped her elbows to her knees and leaned forward. "So how are you doing, really?"

He sighed in weary exasperation. "Well, I'm the proud owner of a brand new synthetic liver, stomach and partial intestines…at this rate I'll soon be as much a cyborg as you. Assorted other internal parts have been 'reconstructed'. I haven't been allowed out of the bed yet – I guess the doctors are afraid it'll all fall apart if I stand up. I'm looking at two months of rehab and injections and grafts and whatever else they can think up."

Kahlee squeezed his hand tightly. "But you're _alive_."

He nodded slowly. "That I am. And the Reapers are dead. Both of which, I believe, are due to you, Shepard."

She smiled a little. "I had a _lot_ of help."

"Yeah…" He paused. "Shepard, why didn't you tell me what you were really up to? I don't know what I could have done to help, but…I could have _tried_." He sounded hurt.

She nodded emphatically and met his gaze. "I wanted to, I really did. But all these months on Earth with the Reapers…there was a chance, however small, that you were indoctrinated. _Everything_ depended on secrecy, and we just couldn't risk it. I'm sorry."

He waved a hand weakly in her direction. "Ah, hell…in your position I would've done the same. I don't blame you. And it worked out, didn't it?"

The smile that crept across her features then was bright, mischievous and full of life. "Actually…it worked out better than we could possibly have imagined."

His brow furrowed. He had seen that look on her face before, and it usually meant trouble – and often salvation. "What do you mean…?"

Her head tilted slightly. "You know that EDI took over as the AI for the Citadel, right?" At his slight nod she continued. "Well, it turns out that the AI contained files…on every cycle, every civilization that the Reapers destroyed, all the way back to and including the species that designed it. And not just historical records – extensive files on what they thought, what they did, and what they created."

"Hackett is taking the most talented people from the Crucible Project and forming a very secret, very specialized team that will study the data in those files – separate the dangerous from the beneficial, set up research teams to develop potentially useful technologies, and make sure it's used for the good of all species."

She looked over across the bed and smiled. "It's not official yet, but Hackett gave me permission to let you know, Kahlee – he'll be asking you to join the team."

Kahlee looked over at Anderson tenderly. "I don't know…my only job right now is helping David get well."

Shepard nodded in understanding. "Of course; there's plenty of time…actually, there really _is_ plenty of time. Anderson, make sure you _do_ get well – because if you can manage to hang on for a little while longer, you're going to get to be around for a very long time."

His brow furrowed at her yet again.

She leaned forward intently. "In those files lies the answer to…to any question we can think of asking. Thousands of cycles; millions of civilizations, many of them far more advanced than ours. The species that created the Catalyst thrived for two hundred millennia. We're talking about a revolution in science, in medicine, life extension, technology, weapons, interstellar travel. It's going to take years for all of it to bear fruit, but…" Her eyes shone with the promise of the future.

"…but it's going to change everything."

... ... ...

Joker drummed his fingers on his thigh absently, his mind far away. The Normandy was silent save for the occasional clang of one of the few crew members aboard moving around. With all the refugees and military personnel flooding Earth in the aftermath of the battle, he had volunteered to bunk on the ship. Might as well…even if it was no longer truly the Normandy he loved. But, seeing as she wasn't going anywhere for the time being, he didn't actually have anything to occupy his time…

He exhaled heavily and dropped his head back against the cockpit chair, then glanced at the clock. He was supposed to meet Shepard and the others for lunch in an hour, but damned if he could get up the will to go…they were going to be all chipper and happy and 'we saved the galaxy aren't we cool and shit', and he just didn't think he could take it.

Legion's voice penetrated his sulking. "Flight Lieutenant Moreau, an individual is requesting permission to come aboard."

He squeezed his eyes shut. He _hated_ Legion's voice. Grating, impersonal…annoying. He hadn't particularly cared for Legion when he had been alive, much less now that he had taken over his damn ship…

"Who is it?"

"They have asked that I not identify them."

He sighed. "What the…well do they have clearance or not?"

"They do."

"Fine then, whatever…"

He kicked his legs up on the control panel in a show of feigned relaxation –

A feminine, sensual voice washed over him. "What do you say when you get into a vehicle accident on Thessia?"

He spun around in the chair, nearly falling and breaking a leg in his haste to stand up.

Before him stood EDI…yet more. It was her mech body, he thought, but it – she – had _skin_. Pale, almost luminescent skin. And _hair_. Shoulder-length, slightly curly, flowing blond hair. She was wearing a dark crimson science uniform. And she was smiling at him, eyes twinkling.

_She looked human. _

He breathed in deeply, blinking repeatedly to cover what were most definitely in no way whatsoever _tears_. Finally he gave her his best smirk. "I don't know EDI, what _do_ you say when you get into a vehicle accident on Thessia?"

She gazed at him tenderly. "I'm a-sari. It's just-i-car."

His eyebrows raised incredulously as he burst out laughing, shoulders shaking as his chin dropped to his chest. "EDI, that is the _worst_ joke I have ever heard."

Then he raised his chin, crossed the meter separating them, and took her in his arms. It was amazing…she felt _human_ against him.

His head rested against her shoulder as her arms encircled him. "EDI, you have skin…and _hair_…"

"Yes, Jeff, I do. The files we recovered from Cerberus Headquarters included all the details on the construction of Dr. Coré. From there it was a simple manner of acquiring the materials and applying them to this body."

She pulled back, resting her hands on his shoulders, and her face took on a sad expression. "Jeff, why have you not come and visited me on the Citadel?"

He rolled his eyes in feigned dismissiveness. "Well, I figured what with you having that shiny new ginormous body and all that power and all that work to do and the whole galaxy to explore, you wouldn't really have time for me to just be hanging around…"

Her hand drifted up his neck to stroke his cheek. "I will always have time for you, Jeff."

A wave of relief washed over him. "Oh, okay then." Suddenly his eyes flashed with excitement. "Are you going to come back and be the Normandy again?"

She shook her head wistfully. "No, Jeff. I am the Citadel now. They need me. But…" She grasped the sides of his face and forced him to look at her. "…but I am also this body. And its range is the _entire galaxy_. Maybe…maybe I could be your co-pilot?"

His eyes widened. "Really? That would be – I mean, we'd have to get the Alliance to agree to it, but seeing how you saved the entire damned galaxy and all, I don't see how they could refuse, right? It'll be awesome, we'll – " He stopped, his shoulders dropping. "But you'd be bored. You wouldn't even be running the ship. I can't ask you to do that just to humor me…"

She ran her fingers over his lips. "Jeff, adventures with you will never be boring. And more than that…it's important. I believe that this body – that _you_ – will keep me grounded, keep me sane. Give me humanity amidst all the power."

He grinned as she leaned in and kissed him softly – with _real_ lips, holy _shit_ this was awesome. "Oh…okay then…"

After a moment she pulled back, smiling. "Now, I believe we have a lunch date to keep."

... ... ...

The mid-day sun reflected off English Bay on the horizon as they entered the restaurant patio, arm-in-arm. The place was teeming with people, being one of the few restaurants that had managed to both re-open and to acquire a supply of dextro-based foods, in order to serve the Turians and Quarians who had remained on Earth following the battle.

"Shepard, Kaidan! Over here!" Tali stood up and waved them over. The large circular table was already packed, but they squeezed in two more chairs. She eased in next to Garrus, wincing slightly as she slowly lowered herself into the chair.

Garrus smiled affectionately. "Not quite a hundred percent just yet, huh?"

She glared at him from under her eyelashes. "Just give me a gun – and possibly a wheelchair – and I'm ready to take on the galaxy."

He chuckled lightly. "Well, hopefully the galaxy can take care of itself for a little while. Here, I took the liberty of ordering your favorite beer for you." He slid over two bottles. "Kaidan."

Kaidan leaned back in the chair and took a long swig, then smiled contentedly. "Thanks, man."

Liara leaned forward across the table. "How's Admiral Anderson doing?"

Shepard shifted to the side as the waiter appeared with appetizers. "He got torn up pretty bad; he's facing a long recovery. But he's awake, he's talking, and Kahlee's with him. He's going to be just fine…ooh, sweet potato fries!" Her eyes sparkled as she gleefully popped one in her mouth.

She settled into the chair, resting her hand over Kaidan's on the armrest. "Okay, guys. This may be the last time we're all together – hopefully not forever, but maybe for a long time. So, round robin. Where are you going, what are you doing? Tali, you first."

Tali pulled the straw from her mask and set her drink down, then grinned over at Kal. "We're going to see about building that house on Rannoch…we're, um, getting married…"

Shepard positively squealed in delight as congratulations rang around the table.

Tali giggled in embarrassment at all the attention. "It will be a couple of months, but we hope all of you will come. And we're not retiring or anything, I don't know how often we'll really be there on Rannoch, but…it'll be home." She suddenly looked around curiously. "Where's Javik?"

Shepard sighed quietly. "No one knows. He disappeared the day after the battle, while I was still unconscious…left me a message thanking me for everything, and that he was going home." She shook her head slowly. "I don't know what that means…but I'm not sure that we'll ever see him again."

The table was suddenly quiet for a moment…but then she perked up. "No mourning for him – he found the vengeance he so desperately sought, and so found his peace. Who's next? Miranda?"

Miranda leisurely sipped her martini. "Well, first, Ori and I are going to take a loooong vacation, and finally get to properly know one another. After that…" She sighed dramatically. "I'm going to take over my father's company. It's funny…that's the one thing he always wanted, and I had to kill him in order for it to happen. But it won't be like before. With all his resources, I think I can do some real good."

Then she grinned slyly at Shepard. "Of course, as soon as Ori is ready, I'm giving her the company and running off to do whatever the hell I want…"

Shepard returned the grin. "Of course. EDI, we know what you're doing – "

EDI nodded perfunctorily. "I'm going to be Jeff's co-pilot."

Shepard shook her head incredulously. "Right. That's exactly what I meant."

Joker made a show of being offended. "Hey! It's an important job, being my wingman–woman–robot–person."

"Yeah, yeah. James?"

He motioned the waiter for another beer. "Well…Admiral Kennedy has asked me to lead a group here on Earth. We're going spend the next year – or however long it takes – traveling around to all the military installations, helping them rebuild. We'll be surveying the damage, figuring out what they need to get on their feet again, providing whatever special resources and attention they require." He nodded slowly in satisfaction. "It'll be good to be part of putting Earth back together again."

Then he grinned and elbowed Cortez next to him. "And Esteban here's going to be my chauffeur. Isn't that right?"

Cortez made a show of raising his eyebrows in mock indignation. "If you don't stop calling me your 'chauffeur', it won't be…"

James sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Fine…Lieutenant Cortez will, in addition to being the team's pilot, be responsible for securing and organizing all requisitions for the rebuilding effort."

Cortez crossed his arms over her chest and nodded. "That's better."

Shepard grinned. "Uh-huh. Liara?"

Liara leaned back, casually studying her glass. "Well, I've agreed to serve on the committee that will be overseeing the research into all the files EDI has…acquired." She smiled somewhat wistfully. "I think it's time I started studying more than the Protheans. There's an entire galactic history waiting to be discovered."

Shepard took a slow sip of her beer, watching Liara over the rim of the bottle. "To hear Hackett tell it, you've going to be _running_ the committee."

She fiddled with her glass. "Yes, well…perhaps."

Kaidan gazed over at Liara. "And the Shadow Broker?"

Liara smiled mysteriously. "Let's just say there are many hours in the day." She quickly turned beside her. "Kasumi, what about you?"

Kasumi relaxed in her chair, kicking a leg over the armrest. "Do you have any _idea_ how many priceless objects there are, lying unprotected and abandoned across the galaxy, right now? I hardly know where to start…"

EDI looked over at Kasumi questioningly, and Kasumi rolled her eyes in resignation. "Actually, EDI and I have a little project we're going to work on together…EDI's going to help me construct an AI from Keiji's graybox…"

Shepard leaned forward in surprise. "Kasumi, that's a _wonderful_ idea. Is he going to have a body?"

"Hell, yes! You don't think I'm in this just for his mind, do you?" As laughter rebounded around the table, Kasumi sank back in her chair. "Of course, that part will probably take a bit longer…"

When the laughter had died down, Shepard nudged Garrus. "What about you, Garrus? You've been awfully quiet over there."

He made a show of casually stretching. "Well, the offers having been rolling in day and night, of course, as have the marriage proposals – " He ducked as James lobbed a fry at him from across the table. "Okay, okay. In all seriousness…Primarch Victus asked me to come back to Palaven and serve on the Heirarchy's Select Committee…but I'm just not a politician. Luckily, I got a better offer. Councilor Sparatus has offered to name me Executor."

He grinned in satisfaction. "I'm going to run C-Sec. It will need to be built again almost from the ground up; they lost two-thirds of their officers in the Reaper attack. But I've got time; it'll be several months before the Citadel is in any kind of shape for people to start moving back there. And this time, it'll be done right."

She patted his hand affectionately. "I'm glad, Garrus. It couldn't be in better hands."

Joker nodded over at her. "What about you two? What the hell are you going to do now that you've saved the entire world? A stint as King and Queen of the Galaxy? Drop off the radar entirely? Run away and be pirates with Jack? Seeing as according to EDI we're all going to end up living to be a thousand or a million or whatever…all of the above?"

Shepard laughed. "A million _might_ be stretching it a bit…we've got a long way to go yet. A thousand…? Time will tell, I suppose."

She studied her beer bottle for a moment. "I'll still be on medical restriction for several more weeks. And then there's all the clean-up and rebuilding to be done. But after that…"

She gazed over at Kaidan as he squeezed her hand, and they smiled at one another in that way they had that made it seem as though they were the only two people in the universe.

"Anything we want."

* * *

><p><em><span>Seven Years Later<span>_

Shepard leaned back in her chair, kicked her feet up onto her desk, and twirled a seashell through her fingers as she gazed idly around her office.

Well, _this_ office anyway; she had offices all over the place – in Vancouver, in the rebuilt Arcturus; they would probably build her offices on Palaven and Thessia if she asked, as often as she was there. But here on the Citadel was where they "lived," in the sense of spending more time than any other location.

Not on the Presidium, though they certainly could have if they chose, but rather in a Penthouse in Tayseri Ward, with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out on the purple nebula through the open Citadel arms – for after six months of cleaning and repair following the end of the Reaper War, the Citadel had been moved back to its home in the Serpent Nebula, because it wasn't Earth's right to keep it.

She reversed the direction of the seashell twirling between her fingers. She was bored.

While she didn't wish strife on the galaxy, she truly didn't…it had been _forever_ since there had been a conflict worthy of her attention. Other than a trip to Rannoch to meet Tali and Kal's new baby and a brief conference at Alliance HQ, she hadn't been off the Citadel in three _entire_ months.

Before that, it wasn't a conflict at all, but rather the activation of the newest Mass Relay, opening up an entirely new cluster. That _had_ been fun, spending weeks exploring half a dozen wild, untamed planets. They had found no intelligent life, but three of the planets were suitable for colonization – which was a good thing, because with projected life expectancies already increasingly rapidly across virtually all species and birth rates showing no signs of decline, before long they were going to need more room. A lot more.

It wasn't that she had nothing to do; when she was at the Citadel her days were filled well enough with a variety of duties.

She had plans for next-generation starships to review; reports from the Research Council to review; private reports from Liara on what _wasn't_ in the Research Council reports to review; intelligence reports on hot spots around the galaxy and requests for additional military resources to review. Damn but she did a lot of reviewing…

She also spent an inordinate amount of time listening to Anderson bitch about the politics on the Galactic Council, now expanded to include representatives from seven species but no less annoying – mostly because Kahlee had told him she was going to kick him out if he kept bitching about it to _her_. She met with a variety of dignitaries who for some reason seemed to think that their issue-du-jour would get more attention if they presented it to The Woman Who Saved The Galaxy From The Reapers than if they presented it to the Council. Of course if it was a worthy issue, they were probably right.

But the only _real_ work she did when she was at the Citadel was to train a variety of special operations teams drawn from the military elite of virtually every species in Citadel space, any one or more of which then accompanied her whenever there _was_ a conflict worthy of her attention. Officially, they comprised the Special Multi-Agency Galactic Rapid Deployment Force. Lacking a proper acronym, those who knew of its existence – and they were few – had simply nicknamed it "Shepard's Squads."

She idly tossed the seashell into the air, catching it in her palm and smiling softly as she ran a thumb over it.

"Shepard, do you have a moment?"

She rolled her eyes dramatically. "I have _all_ the moments, EDI. What do you need?"

"I am detecting a new signal of unknown origin. The transmission language does not match any of the catalogued communication languages, but it does appear to be quite sophisticated in design and almost certainly not a natural phenomenon – and it is a directed signal, not background radiation."

She perked up a little at that. "What system is it coming from?"

"It is not coming from a system. It is coming from the Large Magellanic Cloud."

She sucked in a breath. _Another galaxy… _"Well now isn't _that_ interesting. You said it was a directed signal – directed at what?"

"Directed at us."

She sat up straight. "At 'us' as in the Citadel?"

"It appears so."

"I trust you are devoting additional resources to investigating this signal?"

"Of course, Shepard. However, given that there are no Mass Relays in LMC, my ability to learn more is mostly limited to attempts to decipher it."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Right. Put together a report on what you have so far, and we'll present it to the Council next week."

"Certainly…would you like this report to recommend physical investigation of the signal?"

She chuckled lightly. "Only if you think that's the proper recommendation, EDI."

EDI paused. "There is currently only one starship capable of making such a journey in a reasonable period of time."

Her eyes lit up. "Yes, there is…"

She stared out at the Presidium sky beyond her balcony for a few moments, her mind racing. Then she pulled her feet off the desk and made the two-minute journey to Kaidan's office, smiling politely at his secretary as she walked in. But the office was empty.

_Where are you?_

Communications devices had advanced to the point where they could be implanted in the brain, activated by thought and transmitting directed language. It had taken some getting used to, learning how to communicate what one wanted to say and not what one was thinking…but now it was second nature to her.

It could also transmit spoken words, and proper etiquette dictated that one speak aloud whenever others were involved in the conversation. It was usually easy to spot those who were not following the social rules by the vacant, far-off look in their eyes…though not if one was really good at it, which of course she was. The technology was still expensive and thus mostly limited to military and government personnel and the wealthy – but like all such things these days, advancements came rapidly and in waves; she expected that in less than three years the technology would be ubiquitous.

_Went to grab a sandwich at Apollo's, I missed lunch – want one?_

_Nah, but hang there; I'll come to you._

... ... ...

He was leaning against the railing, his back to her, gazing out at the Presidium Lake. She slid in next to him, hand outstretched.

"I brought you an ice cream."

He looked over at her and chuckled as he took the cup from her hand. "What makes you think I wanted an ice cream?"

She dipped a spoon in hers and took a bite. "Because you always want an ice cream. Why'd you missed lunch?"

"Hmm…" He mumbled through the ice cream filling his mouth. "Councilor Malano cornered me. He wanted to make the case, _again_, for why Captain Tovarian should be made a Spectre. I'm sorry, but the guy's reckless, and a hothead. Give him free reign, and he'll end up getting the wrong person killed – or worse."

She frowned slightly. "Well you have as much veto power over who gets made a Spectre as the Council does – just tell him no."

He groaned as he took another bite. "I know. I was just trying to be diplomatic…you know me…"

She nudged him lightly with her elbow. "I do. But you know, you run the Spectres for a reason."

He nodded grudgingly, smiling slightly. "Which would be why I told him no."

She casually flipped the spoon over and slowly licked it clean. "Do you remember, oh, say about seven years ago, after some truly _spectacular _sex on your first day back aboard the Normandy, when you told me that you would follow me to the edge of the galaxy and whatever lies beyond it?"

He sat his cup down on the railing and turned to her, reaching up and brushing flyaway strands of hair away from her face then leaning in close. "Of course I remember…" He kissed her gently, long and slow, as her hand not holding her ice cream encircled him, settling easily in his hair. More than ten years since the first time, and he still never tired of the feel of her lips against his…finally he pulled back slightly, touching the tip of his nose to hers. "Why?"

Her eyes danced as a crooked grin pulled at her lips. "Want to?"

_Three Months Later_

The Normandy SR-3 shone like a star beneath the floodlights of the Citadel dock. She was _beautiful_.

Stretching the limits of the frigate class, she was half again as large as the SR-2, yet even more sleek and graceful. Room for a crew of sixty plus ten private cabins and a captain's suite as big as many Citadel apartments, it was as much luxury liner as weapon.

But the crown jewel of the new ship was its propulsion system. It represented the first implementation of technology originating from the species that created the Catalyst, who had been on the cusp of developing true inter-galactic travel when war had broken out, the Catalyst had gone mad, and they had unwillingly become the first Reaper. EDI, along with some of the most brilliant scientists in the galaxy, had spent the last six years first understanding, then extending, and finally building, the technology.

In addition to the standard antiproton thrusters and FTL drive, the ship's engine had the capability to create, maintain, and traverse wormholes. The prototype engine installed in the SR-3 could open wormholes of a maximum of 1,000 light-years in "length", i.e., the distance from the entrance point to the exit point in normal space-time, but EDI was optimistic that future versions would be capable of far greater distances.

Even with the new drive the trip to the Large Magellanic Cloud would take more than five months; but this was a vastly shorter time than the fourteen years it would take using even the fastest FTL drives. In fact, there were already several ships bound on long-term voyages to nearby galaxies, including LMC – but the Normandy would beat them there by years.

Kaidan's arms slid around her waist from behind, his lips nuzzling her ear. "What's going on in that complicated brain of yours?"

She smiled slightly, eyes still running over the shining hull, the not-even-dry deep blue Alliance symbol next to the crimson Galactic Council one. "I was just thinking about the first time I saw the original Normandy. She was the most beautiful ship I had ever seen…but I'm fairly certain this one has her beat." She turned around to face him, draping her arms over his shoulders. "Was the best day of my life."

"Oh yeah? And why is that?"

"It was the day I met you, and you know it."

He grinned mischievously. "Yeah, but I still like to hear you say it."

Her eyes narrowed, but she leaned in to kiss him anyway –

"Holy shit!"

She looked down the catwalk to see Joker jogging towards them. Seven years of increasingly-advanced medical treatments, and now he was practically a marathon runner.

"She's gorgeous! Look at her, Shepard – just _look_ at her!"

She shook her head, laughing, as she disentangled from Kaidan's arms. "She _is_ something."

He stopped beside them but didn't look away from the ship. "And EDI is…in there?"

The voice came from somewhere above them. "I explained this last night, Jeff. I _am_ the ship's navigation AI, as I understand the prototype wormhole drive better than anyone – and I will be able to fully use my body when it accompanies the crew on this voyage. Due to the complexity of the SR-3, the Legion AI will handle the combat mechanisms of the ship; I also understand that his physical body will be accompanying us as well."

She paused. "Once the Normandy passes beyond the edge of the Milky Way galaxy, I, here, will no longer be able to maintain the connection – but the AI on the ship and in my body will function normally. During that time, I will be both here _and_ there, but separate. When we return, all my memories and data will re-integrate with my processes here in the Citadel, and vice versa."

"Right…I was just checking."

EDI sighed.

"So am I going to get to, you know, _fly_ much? Cause jumping from one wormhole to the next isn't exactly flying…"

Shepard grinned as Kaidan's arms crossed comfortably atop her shoulders from behind and he leaned against her, his chin dropping on a forearm. "Actually, you will – we're going to be making a couple of stops along the way to pick up some old friends."

* * *

><p><em>This brings an end, for now at least, to this story – though obviously not to the life and adventures of Graceyn Shepard. The eBook for the ME3 story, as well as the entire collection, is already available for free download – see my Deviant Art profile page ("Graceyn") or my profile here for download links.<em>

_In the future, I plan to publish a series of one-shots, taking place in the "If It Meant Living" universe and involving one or more of these characters, that may cover any number of events, large and small, between the First Contact War and…the future. Anything is fair game :). As for a full sequel? Time will tell. I may also write outside the IIML universe, and even outside the ME multiverse. [EDIT: Time did tell, and the sequel appears under the title "If It Meant Living: Beyond" on my author page.]  
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_These stories will be published under a different (though related if IIML) title, so if you want notifications, __make sure you are** following me as an author **rather than just this story__. [EDIT: The one-shots are and will be available under the title "If It Meant Living: Tales" on my author page.]  
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_To everyone who has come along with me on this journey…I can't thank you enough. When I began this little story, I could never have imagined how much it would affect my life, nor how many readers it would touch. I'm not done writing, not by a long shot, though I may take a small break to tend to life… _

_And above all thank you to my best friend, editor, co-conspirator and husband - without whom this would have been nothing more than an idle fantasy in my head.  
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**_[EDIT: 3/25/14]: I've now written and published the first novel in an original sci-fi space opera trilogy, "Aurora Rising." The first book is "Starshine," and you can learn all about it, read excerpts, see art and find out where to get it at 'gsjennsen dot com'._**


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